On Disliking Oneself
Many of us are walking around with an enormous secret burden: we deeply hate ourselves. That makes us very suspicious of anyone who likes us - and prone to staying in unfortunate romantic and professional situations that offer us far less than we deserve. We need to learn the art of becoming a better friend to ourselves.
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FURTHER READING
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“There is one particularly salient question we should ask in order to measure our levels of emotional well-being: do you broadly feel that you have the right to exist and are, on balance, a good enough human being? Or, whatever your outward circumstances and achievements, do you generally feel you are a piece of excrement, who has only got through life by deluding others (who would quickly abandon you if they knew even a fraction of the truth about you) and, because you are a liar, are only ever one or two steps away from deserved humiliation and catastrophe?...”
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Can you answer this: Do we have the right to affect others life without their permission?
@@Joso997 If you have expected everything in advance, nothing will truly hurt you. Cheers!
I am now taking weekly reflexology treatments. How far can my reflexologist go in helping me expel the garbage from my life? I am calmer, but I think as we go along, I am rather unable to be as honest with him as he may like. I know (I think) if I could be less anxious and more calm, always, I could move forward better. But I don't know how much I can say to him. I am not sure of any of the above.
@@abhilashajha8822 so your life philosophy is that ignorance is bliss
@@Joso997 It is expecting that everything can go wrong, and feeling good when it doesn't. And if you don't agree with that it's okay too. You can feel sad about whatever has hurt you. We have all felt disappointed in people we have put trust in, and felt like a fool, too. Even though I am writing as though I was a master-pessimist, little things do hurt me every now and then, but I am on my way.
“Your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have.”
No wonder I'm alone and have no partner or friends!
@@bflobribean8811 The fact that you are here watching this video to improve yourself is already a BIG step to changing that :)
@@bflobribean8811 Brofist, Bro!!! :'D
What an insightful quote and very truth.
Underrated thought.
"Children begin by loving their parents. As they get older they judge them....sometimes they forgive them." Oscar Wilde
Nancy Alexander-Carreira beautiful quote!
The best thing you can do for yourself is to actually go and forgive your parents. Telling them we were wrong for judging and resenting them will do us good in our lives.
The difficulty lies in accepting the fact that our parents were people just like ourselves, with faults and virtues equivalent to our own.
I can see that my parents are still struggling to forgive their own parents yet.
@Don Crosswell @Udit Gupta Right? The generational trauma has to stop with someone. As an anxious, self-hating, over thinking generation we really need perfect PEACE from within hey. Telling our parents that we forgive them, we are sorry for judging, that we understand now that THEY DID NOT KNOW any other way to do things will serve us well. Like you said Don (and they may tell you), it may be trauma from their parents as well, and so on. Forgiving them may bring them relief too because they may hate themselves for what they did to you (unless they're really prideful, then they just can't help themselves but you love them by forgiving them anyway).
Offering my love to everyone in the comment section.
thank you.
❤️
I'll take it
Appreciate it
"You deserve a prize for not having done away with yourself already," That is the kindest, nicest thing anyone has ever said to me albeit through a computer screen.
@Jakslton It means that you should get a prize for not killing yourself despite all the hate you have for yourself!
@Jakslton I think it means that you didn’t give up, comitted suicide. I am not sure tho
❤️✌️
@laith WHY DID U SAY " YET " !!?? no need 2 reply just pointing it out 2 u !! } [
@Jakslton Sadly, it means suicide. People with this inclination all too frequently kill themselves.
i swear to god sometimes school of life slaps on these topics on a javelin that goes straight through my heart beacuse i constantly feel attacked. but at the end strangely consoled
:(
The javelin is made of love 💗 You cannot run from it. It will stab you however many times it damn well pleases. 'Good vibes only' ~ UwU
Sort of no, (:
I do relate with you.
Right!!!
Me: “Why do I -“ School of Life: “Because your parents were sh!t”
hahahahahaha loooooooooooooool did you notice that no matter how often we are told ( repeatedly) this psychological fact, we still can't or don't want to believe it! it feels sacrilegious !
do you know alan's family background? like did he go through any troubles?
Yeah
Nah, my parents are pretty good, it was my granny that did it. She lived with us for a while, and decided I treat my lilest sis bad, which I didn't. Lil sis annoyed me, I was much younger, the eldest sibling of four (plus one now), and I didn't know how to deal with her, so I'd yell, maybe push her away or even fight if she rlly made me snap. There was never justice for me, it was always "poor *insert lil sis name here*". Sometimes, if she got hurt and no one was around and I went to see what happened, Mama (what we call granny) would instantly pin it on me. This happened until she moved, but the damage was already done. Since then, I always pushed others away, snapped at lil sis even when all she'd done was poke her head round the door, and keep to myself. I haven't ever rlly had a friend I could trust (I'm anxious, depressed, self-conscious, lonely and insecure) bc my family and I have moved a lot throughout my life, and I've been homeschooled all my life. (something I'm glad about, bc it meant that I had the chance to discover my love for baking!) Then there's the fact that I'm bilingual, and speak better english than hungarian. We now live in Hungary. I'll be starting school in September. I'm a complete nervous wreck around anyone outside of close family. I've NEVER been to school before full stop. I'll be doing 4 years érettségi, then 1+1 sweet/savoury baking. HELP.
@@steltha hey, it'll all be alright, don't worry. And about all the things in the past, well they're in the past! Make yourself some good friends and enjoy your time at school
I know my parents loved me, but they never ever understood me, and they never tried to. They just tried to fix me
Amen! Sorry to hear that .. Love to you and all of us that had to experience this
Wow yes! I know my mom loved me with all her heart, but she never got to know me nor did she try. I felt very alone.
Same I know my parents loved me but
SAME! It doesn't feel like love, honestly
“No one is born liking themselves” Damn.
That struck me as well!
Right?! A simple idea that I'd literally never considered.
Marty D. The other side of that coin, is that no one 8s born DISLIKING themselves either. " It is all learned, therefore, it can be UNLEARNED.
Actually we ARE born liking ourselves... but at a certain moments we lost it, if during infancy, childhood and teenager time(vounerable period) we did not get enough attention and love...
"No one asked to be born in the first place" even dayumier
I don't hate myself but still somehow I can't come to terms with loving myself
I can't help but feel the exact same way.
Think on what you and others like about yourself, what makes you special, and you'll start loving yourself more! I'm on this journey right now and it's helped me heaps.
tbh i dont im not even actually sure about my own esteem usually i hate myself but whenever someone praises me bc of smtg id immediately become narcissistic for some reason then lose my confidence all in all again afterwards
That's because you're fat or ugly
@@elpeluca7780 You made the world a little bit uglier by this comment. Hope you have a good day, Sir. Don't forget to wash that stinky soul of yours and give it a good rub when you do.
"and therefore being able to hold onto the idea that we hate ourselves only or primarily because we were once not loved." i'm not crying.
eve m 🦋✨
It really is a hard truth to accept.
I haven't even broken down
i wouldn't feel bad if you do cry, i never cry myself, and it isn't a strength. not that crying all the time over everything is good, but crying over actual tragedy and pain is healthy :)
yes we are
The 'you're not exceptionally awful, you've just had an exceptionally unfortunate introduction to life' really hit home. Putting it in my phone as a reminder. Thanks SOL
"You're the only person you have to live with for the rest of your life. Why ain't you in love yet?"
Because I'm as much my own enemy as my critics might be
I was a cheery, happy and clever child. . . And then I was sent to school. That was the start of my downward spiral. For context, my only friend in my young teenage years was my cat.
Same here. I was a hopeful kid who saw the wonder of the world as magic. Then moving away from the love and safety of my family I went to school. I then quickly realized that life is harsh, people are cruel and there is no magic in the world. The world is a sad place. I long for a better world and I hope to find myself in one someday. It's interesting to me that so many people seem to share this sentiment of self-hatred, depression and unworthiness yet the majority of people I come across are either cruel to others or are extremely self-assured and downright arrogant. It baffles me that more people who are hurting inside don't use that hurt as a reason to try and be kind to their fellow humans. Maybe it is a lack of empathy. For myself since I find life/reality so disagreeable and experience the pain of life so profoundly that I try extremely hard to make others feel better and try to lessen their pain going out of my way to be kind and respectful. But even that is not reciprocal by many people and so I continue to feel like an alien in this world. A stranger in this town indefinitely. :(
@@trentrossdale638 Thank you. Same here
@@trentrossdale638 Why does this speak to me on so many levels?
I’ve never had a cat.
Hate to tell you but your cat never liked you... it was just using you for food. In all likelihood your cat probably hated your guts.
Thousands of views within 15 minutes of posting means that this resonates with an outrageous number of us. Yikes.
In a bus the one thing most people have in common is that they each think they are so different, making them all so similar.
John Merigo awfully sad but very true
which still doesn't mean it's okay to continue hating oneself
Maybe the fact that this channel has 5 million subscribers has something to do with it, too...
Modern society is full of broken people trying their best to be good and to not be a bad person in their own opinions. The conflict comes when one person judges another for failing to meet their current standards.
Honestly didn’t realize so many people felt like this
so..I'm not alone on this.
MyKingdomForanRV It’s hard to remember
I’ve recently noticed that I’ll catch my reflection in the screen of my phone, sneer and angle it away... I get angry when I’m complemented and will immediately redirect praise to someone who deserves it ... I feel like an imposter and I absolutely loathe myself.
Same here.
Haha, I also redirect praise and get angry. How odd.
Omg. You're me!!
Cory Johnson same here I feel a similar way it’s why I loathe looking at pictures of myself
"Treat yourself like someone you loved." - Adam Roa If you can be nice/ forgiving of others, then you should do it to yourself as well. If you believe others deserved to be loved despite their flaws, then you're no different. You also deserved to be loved :) Even if you find it hard to love yourself, at the very least, you should let others to love you :) Someone once confessed their feelings to me and I told him: "I pity you (for you don't know the real me).", and to the next one, I strongly rejected him and doubted his intentions. It took me a while to realize that it's because I don't have enough self-love to believe that others could actually love me. I'm grateful that the latter guy stuck out long enough for me to understand myself first before I could accept him. I can't say that I'm completely "healed" but receiving and ACCEPTING the love from my family and friends is comforting :)
I've suffered from a sickening spiral of self-loathing and anxiety for the last two decades. I often feel unworthy of even incidental kindness. Partners who loved me felt as though I was afraid of intimacy, and partners with whom I stayed were manipulative and inconsiderate. I've mutilated myself repeatedly, hating myself for never piercing the thin veil between self-injury and suicide. Essays like these are insightful observations of someone they've never met (me) but obviously know well enough. On one hand, their wisdom is relief and reassurance that it's okay to accept me, to love me. But on the other, it's worrisome that this problem is so common that they can publish a video in another country that details my very intimate problem, its sources, and give needed counsel without ever having met me. Keep writing, SoL. And thank you.
@@rajpatil4629 I may have been unclear. I'm not as good of a writer as I once was. I'm terribly out of practice. If you describe where I've been unclear, I'll clarify.
Just goes to show that people are far more alike than different.
Raj Patil made perfect sense to me
@@rajpatil4629 That this essay is at once a relief for my intimate problem (pun intended) and a dread to know that even though it's personal to me, it is common for many. It's so common that a group of people from some country across the ocean can publish a video that was in no way inspired by me, but still speaks directly of my most private problem.
Rashid M. Bey beautiful writing:)
Today I had this realization that I wasn't loved by my parents, I cried my eyes out in the shower all the past experience hit me at once. Seeing this video on my feed is sign to move on, but I still feel pathetic..
I believe in you...you are the Strong Boi
Hugs from across the world. It does make you wonder if your parents were not able to give you the love you needed, what was their childhood like to make them like that? You might need to be the one to break the cycle...
@@Sara-ni3yr Thank you, you right they have a tough childhood, hardly lived as kids.
@@squidnipendleton3765 Thank you
You can do my guy you deserve to be loved
“One doesn’t identify as a self-disliker, one just thinks ones a piece of shit” I burst out laughing 💀 But it’s true. Atleast for me
Same lol
I’ve been saying this more and more lately. To the point I’m giving myself anxiety.
As I get older, I see the pattern in my family. Generations of men, growing up not knowing what it means to be loved, particularly by their fathers. Nothing was ever good enough. They were often blamed for circumstances that no child has any control over. Generations of it being BEATEN into boys that their only worth is providing for their families, by the work of their back and the sweat of the brow, because using your mind is weakness. Yet they were all poor and had lots of self-loathing and alcoholism. Break the cycle.
bro.. hug?
I get up in the morning and see myself in the mirror. Hate what I see..hate what I've to deal with on a daily basis.
what do you have to deal with? Just beat the shit outta the next person that pisses you off.
I hate my voice
@@gondwanaman9362 I hate my face and entire body
@@someoneyoullmeeteventually6834 hey dude, I realize that this is late by 2 days but... It's not okay to hate yourself like that. I know I said I hated my voice too. But it's not worth it. You only will ever really know yourself in life. Try, try to muster that courage to love yourself faithfully and truly despite your mistakes, your hatred and envy. I've not always hated myself. I used to be a cocky little boy who always ran around the streets and played all day. At some point, like a switch had gone off, I found myself sliding down the waters of a whirlpool of my own darkest consciousness. And iy wasn't an accident. I got the because I was triggered and let mysrl go down there because I wasn't mature enough to handle the circumstances at the time. So I blamed it all on myself. And so I would blame everything else on myself henceforth. I must have been lucky but there is none of that when you believe in a living God. But a week ago a distant brothe of mine, estranged, opened up about his anxiety and advised me to never, ever ever take medication for depression and anxiety. I didn't listen. I took the Celexa. For a moment the world stopped hating me. For a moment I could breathe. And for the first in my 4 years in my Uni, I could relax and lay down in the lawn while watching the trees sway gently as the breezes caressed my skin. All alone, despite there being all those people around me. I gre resentful. I didn't feel the fear I usually did. I didn't feel that rush that makes conquering things so sweet. And I felt defaulted to a position where I just didn't hate myself for once and I almost cried, because I needed pills in order to love myself the way I know I can love other people. And so I quit them after 2 days. Because the real me is worth it. I'm worth the trouble I give myself. And I CAN fix myself. I got mysrl an imaginary friend. Can you believe it? I'm 21, got an imaginary friend I never had in childhood. A version of myself who comes when I'm most in need of help, when anxious, when I begin to hate myself and self deprecate, when I begin to beat myself up. The guy comes, often as a voice near me who's body I can't see and says "you only made a mistake, anybody could have done that" or when I'm sad and all alone and feel that I'm not going anywhere and that nobody wants what I've got(or lack thereof), he tells me it's okay, sometimes you have to be like that to appreciate the things you've always wanted out of life. But I appreciate him most because when I do something good, he comes to me and says a kind word. In away that I feel that my parents didn't always do for me when I was young. I acknowledge my childishness. I acknowledged where it all began. That is wasn't my fault. And it might not be yours either.
Life.....what a bitch
For the most part, this didn't describe me. But the sentence at 4:30 'Anger requires a sense of self-worth' helped me understand why I'm never angry at others. Thanks.
That's me.
I liked that too, because I have noticed being angry is better than being sad but never got it why
I was once told that feeling angry gives us a feeling of being in control.
I have often thought about it this way, the effort for anger takes a lot of energy, Is it like yin and yan?
If u get angry for whatever reason people would learn that is your "reaction" hence you give control of yourself to them, what really put you ahead of the rest is your ability to control your reaction again this allegedly threats
"When someone offers to love you, you wonder why they're so weak". This was a reality check for me. I have a job that requires me to interact with strangers a lot, and I've had a handful of people become overly attached to me and romantically interested for seemingly no reason. Every time it would honestly make me look down on them and wonder why they're so desperate, they don't know me at all. And to be fair, I do think I attract needy people. But I think that underlying self hatred that I've learned to live with so well is the deeper reason behind my disdain for them.
Atleast that has nothing to do with me I love my self😅
This is so beautifully put and relatable
"How can this moron like/love me? The only explanation is that they must be an even bigger moron than me for not seeing how screwed up I am."
I dislike some of my parts but I don’t really feel any disdain toward people who love me. It is simply because of the fact that I have showed them my beautiful parts while hiding my bad parts at the same time. It is not their fault, if at all, that they love me but mine, and it’s still my responsibility to show them who I actually am. So why should I despise them for loving me?
i seriously hate myself and as a result i've made my own life hell. i hate myself to a level that i hate looking at a mirror. i've never told anyone these things and sadly i don't think a 6 min video is going to solve what feels like something deeply engorged in my mind.
Please find someone you can trust to talk with you about your problems. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to console someone about your feelings because doing so will give you the opportunity to receive help from those who are willing offer it. I know it may feel intimidating at first, but I want you to know that there are people who can help you find happiness in your life if you just reach out to them.
@@sashasilva3049 Yes. Paying before...
aye. some darkness can't be solved no matter how much light we try introducing to it. sure some evil people still love themselves, like someone who's name rhymes with Ronald Dump, but maybe we don't want to be like them, we know we have darkness, and don't think its good to accept it. the only good thing about that is we can't be evil, if we can't forgive evil, therefore we may not be holy, but we're at least ok, and that's something i suppose
No, but I think it is important to notice the patterns so you can challenge those thoughts in yoruself. Which you might have to do all the time and sometimes, you can't, because shit is just difficult. But you have to notice the problem first, that's step number one A.
I can't take it anymore. The waiting. The wanting. Something inside me snaps. I hate myself. I hate that I have to deal with this. I hate my life. And I hate how I can't count on anyone to be completely there when I need them, exactly the way I need them to be
Something we may need to learn is how to be there for ourselves. I went through something similar where I felt helpless and alone. I came to realize our lives are in our hands. Even when you feel unsupported by those around, I hope you are able to trust and believe in yourself.
Guess that's why Jesus is the answer because He is the only one who can fit that bill. Humans are too flawed.
@@maryamk606 thank you so much
Alan Parker go to a therapist man. come on.
One piece of advice I can give you is to find someone trustworthy to console to about how you feel. Please don't be afraid to ask others for help. There are people who are willing to give you the emotional support you need as long as you reach out to them.
whoever did the graphics for this video deserves a medal. they're raw, haunting and incredible.
“You don’t know what hate is untill you hate yourself, truly hate yoursef.” ~ Mr Robot
I suffered with generalized anxiety in my high school years. I felt terrified and worried everyday when going to school about what other people thought of me and being careful with what I say. I felt so dumb. I was able to get a dental assisting job which required me to take two tests for licenses, I passed both on the first try. Lots of people look at me and are impressed, "Wow you're only 18 and you have this job, that's great!" What they don't know is how hard I worked and how I still don't feel deserving of the title. I doubt myself a lot and I've never forgotten a negative thing someone has said about me. I'm trying my best to be positive and realize that I did do this and I'm very deserving of what I have.
People project their pain and insecurities on to others. If something about you bothers others it says about who they are rather than who you are. They simply don't deserve you. I hope you will go on to bigger places in your life and carrier. I wish you the best!!!! And kudos on all of your achievements!!!
I know it's a year on, but the hard work necessary to pass those tests is infinitely more impressive and worthy than innate ability ever will be. You worked. You put in the effort. You got an excellent result. YOU DESERVE THAT. Be kinder to yourself, ok? For me?
Same here
I wish you deal with these things greatly
I HATE MYSELF! whispers sweetly to oneself
Oh, my parents and family despised me for as long as I can remember. My first memory is of being stripped and beaten with a belt until I couldn't breathe. I don't think a day went by in my childhood when I wasn't disparaged. And yeah, it's a challenge every day. I'm in my fifties, and it still hurts and hampers me. The hard part is forgiving myself for the things I did to try to cope with it. I'm still embarrassed by them, and I can't seem to entirely let go of some of those maladaptive strategies. It's damnable tough. You can't trust your instincts about people or risks or how the world works - they're all bent out of shape. You don't know what a good lover or a good parent looks like. You have no experience in being rewarded for doing well, or trusted. I've coped mostly by being very careful, and thinking long and hard about the person I want to be. I didn't have a model, so as Nietzsche recommended, I made one. It has not been smooth sailing by any means, but I've had a successful career, and a happy marriage for 20+ years. But I have to watch myself constantly, to be on guard against making a mistake, or letting my scars show. When you see a family picnic, if you had a good home, you have happy memories of it. I don't. I had a particularly awful thing done to me at a family picnic. So when I see one, and you say, "Isn't that nice," my guts are in my throat, but I smile and say, "Yes," because if I rain on your picnic, you'll resent me. To be one of the wounded is either to always be guarded and concealed, or to be marked out as flawed - as a victim - a damaged person.
This life is a hospital in which each patient is possessed by the desire to change beds. One wants to suffer in front of the stove and another believes that he will get well near the window. It always seems to me that I will be better off there where I am not, and this question of moving about is one that I discuss endlessly with my soul
Usually, when I make a mistake, I used to blame myself, telling myself that I'm no good. Recently, I'm learning to live myself more, so when I catch myself doing that, I tell myself, it's ok, you tried your best, and give myself imaginary comfort and hugs
"No one is born liking themselves". But sometimes our parents / relatives /friends end up making yourself insecure and you ending up hating yourself. That's the sad reality we live in, to be validated by other but not by yourself.
Fixing self-hatred could take take the whole life .. It's a journey !
You're right, it's a life long journey. I found out several of the things mentioned in the video on my own , before I've read any book on psychology. I found out while I'm meditating. The earliest memories just came to the surface along with the knowledge of their significance. But fixing the self hatred is like taking baby steps everyday in my effort to finish the marathon distance. Over a few decades, I've made progress but I don't know whether I'll reach the finishing line. One disadvantage I'm having is that I live in a remote corner of a developing country where there are no psychotherapist I can consult to aid me. Anyway, all the best to you wherever you are.
It's fascinating, how cleverly spot on the whole description is. But the conclusion here is a singular cause of "unloved as a child". What about self hatred of loved children?
Pouk 3D exactly what I feel. I don’t think one cause is enough to pinpoint the reason behind self hate. I have parents who still love me and so I couldn’t really relate to this video except that we need to realise we are often too harsh on ourselves.
true, in this video they only explained one theory and one cause, but if you dig in you can easily find many others. Expectations being placed on you and then one day finding yourself not able to meet them, such shattering your worldview of who you are and what you can do. Similarly a harsh reaction of someone you admired that you felt was undeserved but with time internalized it must have been somehow at least partly your own fault/deserved. A traumatic experience where the world stopped being so safe in your eyes and you felt incapable and weak from then on, etc. The important message from this video i believe is that these feelings regardless where they came from, have an explanation and your brain CAN be rewired to have a healthier view of yourself and the world. And you do that with external help, "therapy", which can take many forms. The important thing is to know this, that you are not doomed to feeling this way, that you are not broken or faking it or weak or anything of the like. Our brains react to external stimuli, they learn and adapt, and our bodies react to our brains and vice versa too. And our brains have plasticity, they can always be moulded and changed in the way they think and do things. If you became this way is because something happened, and you can change into something different, better even, once you find the right help. Sorry for the wall of text haha
I agree as well, I could relate to everything he said in the video but I come from a really loving family, who were never mean to me. So, I am really confused as to where my self-hatred came from.
My parents loved me pretty well but I still have a lot of self hatred. I think its more due to the "friends" i had in school, I got bullied and made fun of a lot
@@tawny28 I cheated... therefore I hate me.
The only reason why I don't like myself is because my whole life my "friends" left me or ignored me. To this day I struggle with making and keeping friends. It seems they just tolerate me because I'm there.
Hi.
@Reggie Cyde this guy is so negative. I'm having anxieties just by reading your comments.
@Reggie Cyde you are a prick. You can' tsay that to a girl who already has self esteem issues. Get educated!
@@chesmariefrance I agree. He is a an asshole
I suggest you read Haruki Murakami - "Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage". :)
it’s insane how school of life seems to read our minds and come to the rescue lol
this is why I decided not to have kids
Same here.
me too, and i’m glad people are starting to accept not having kids nowadays. i dont want to bring another life into this world only to suffer, when there is plenty of existing suffering to work on fixing. ✌️
I feel like I'm with people that would understand me in this tread.
💕
There is no perfect solution, and everything has it's price.
I had a wonderful childhood but I still absolutely hate myself
Perhaps it only takes one time for our parents to get mad at us in order to feel unloved subconsciously?
Also, I have heard that self-love is also based on 'perceived' abandonment, not necessarily objective abandonment. For example, if you had a younger sibling and perceived that your parents no longer loved you because they were paying attention to this new child, that can be considered abandonment in your brain and trigger self-love issues in the future... unfortunately we are very sensitive as children and make a lot of broad assumptions based on things we don't understand :/
I'm currently reading a book where the therapist said most of her clients THOUGHT they had a happy childhood...but really they didn't and were living in a state of denial.
@@abbykoop5363 were most of her clients whiny bishes too?
@@abbykoop5363 what's the book called?
I’m gonna use that next time. “A piece of excrement.”
Sekou like this😀
use it like you have been used.
I have been for years.
I've dealt with self hatred and self deprication since I was a teenager. It's like a stain that never washes away. I can never take compliments, or feel acheivments I've made. I ruin friendships and relationships by not being myself. I'm always negative.
How does one accept that "It is not my fault" without avoiding responsibility for an actual failure?
Alan D This is a good question!
By making the distinction between "I made a mistake" and "I made a mistake so I'm a bad person and I hate myself."
kkcat Spot on. Letting it get worse compounds that feeling. You could be depressed/in a ‘bad place’ therefore sorting ‘shit out’ takes longer, whereas the gravity of the ‘mistake’ is comparable only to where you perceive you ‘should be in life’.
Something that has helped me, is realizing that what has happened, may not be your fault, but it is your responsibility to fix it/heal from it.
@@cjxgraphics irrelevant.
My parents love me, so my struggles with self hatred over the years came more from being bullied in public school and struggling to make real friends, instead meeting people online who did nothing but use me. I've gotten a lot better, able to say I like myself most days, but I still fall back into the pit of either hurting myself or dwelling on how awful of a person I am. But I've come this far... there's no where to go but up!
Im glad theres someone out there tackling these problems solely with advice, education, and logic
Ah, yes, this is why I needed to leave my family. For decades, the same lesson, over and over, "you're not loved, you're not wanted, you're not valuable" I've healed so much since then. But still, anytime something goes wrong, I'm back pointing out all my faults & feeling like anyone would be crazy to want to be near me. I'm self-aware enough to know that is just a feeling, and that in these moments I need to be vulnerable and let someone else in... I want to be re-written, this time with love.
'I want to be re-written, this time with love.' God I'm taking that to my grave.
You expressed how I feel
"The hardest thing to do is not to find a solution but to aknowledge and be able to see that there is a problem." -Me
@@msmit3669the second hardest thing is implementing what you know you should implement.I have a hard time too doing what i should be doing.Although for the most part i almost always managed the first really good i did not understand that when trying to do the second i was going to be met with a ton of resistance.But i found that the more you do things despite that resistance the more free you are.And also i found that self love is one of the most important lessons one should learn.Without it i cant imagine managing my giant anxieties.
The lonely wolf
@@snorkfroken7056 The profile pic gave it away
Just remembered I exist outside my own perception and people can see me and form an opinion about me *curls away in cringe
"Learning to love yourself, is the greatest love of all." - Whitney Houston ❤
@@vanessalouise1987 I'm sure he did 😂
i can’t help but to wail since everything is related to me to the core
Anytime I feel like my mental health needs a boost, especially after stressful days, I always watch some School of Life videos and they bring me back to a balanced state 😌
“One just thinks one is a piece of shit!”. Emotional cold reading, huh?! God bless you Alain...even though you don’t believe in Him.
I just had the biggest realisation. I hate myself because I was not loved. I never realised this until now.
People will never like themselves for who they are and that's okay, sometimes we need to work and change ourselves to be someone we always wanted to be ✨
I hope i can find the " another brain to re-caliprate everything I touched .. I hope I can find someone who I trust .. I hope I can find this heart which listens without prejudices.. I hope one day ...
They are called therapists. I've hired many.
@@MKCarol-ms7lg did they help?
@@nittygritty4049 lol. do we even need to ask
mika They did. Not every one and not each as much as another. The worst was the one who tried shaming me for having had so many therapists. (He it would appear was a narcissist).They are all people too. Books were also very helpful to me. The best one was "I'm Okay, You're Not So Hot". Humor is quite useful.
@@pranavrahul8206 lol, that was a totally genuine question :)
I never realized until watching this video why I almost never get angry when I am mistreated. What an insightful film.
I've spent a lifetime undoing the dislike of self. But it's life itself that tears at us like a ravenous wolf. I looked into how my parents were raised and how their parents were raised, concluded I had no chance at self-love from the beginning. It's learned. I'm in my 70's now and live alone. I love the quietude of silence sitting in my home, no electronic distractions, no input from others, no eminent needs to deal with every second of existence, just silence. I am enough now, and I rather enjoy it that way.
I hope we can realise how much safety, security and time we have on our hands, making a slight boredom lead to self destructive behaviour. *Life is a miracle, but we are too trapped in the mind to see it.*
Yes the key is to free Your mind(mindfulness)
I always see you early on these kinds of videos :)
@@lovepeaceisneverguaranteed7385 Hey, how have you been doing? @Some Specie Howdy!
@@osse1n I'm doing fine thanks for asking man i apreciate it :)
Okay but what if my parents are genuinely nice and decent? Is every issue just a consequence of our childhood?
It can be caused by someone's parents, but it doesn't have to be caused by them, maybe by other children, who might have bullied someone, there are many things which could've caused someone's self hatred.
sometimes its bullying, or not parents but other family memories, or just being born poor, or with physical or mental problems that affect you for the rest of your life
I was raised to always treat people with kindness. And ive thankfully learned to treat myself with the same respect i treat others.
This is hitting close to home...I recently realized how I have never believed myself to have value. My first memory of worthlessness is from when I was 5. I have stayed with people who were bad for me, I have given to people who didn't deserve it , and I've had people walk all over me, simply because I believed I deserved it. When people treated me wrong I directed my anger at myself because I must have been awful enough to deserve it, always looking for the fault in myself. I am slowly learning to accept that I have value, to accept that not everything is my mistake, and that I can be someone without constantly giving. I don't know who or where I'd be without it. School of Life just made me feel all the feels
This video literally appeared when I needed it. Like, in the precise second.
The School of Life is always on time addressing my issues
damn it I allow myself to think I'm clicking out of intellectual curiosity and then am nearly brought to tears by the piercing truths drawing out those core memories. Still though a cry is not bad and learning to tolerate is over half the job.
My mom has been cold to me since i was born. My dad who raised me is a very angry, powerful and strong person. Both my parents were neglecting me. I am very grateful to have people and information in my life that helped me to get this far. But every now and then something I can't comprehend triggers a strong wave of self-hatred and debilitating anxiety. Thank you TSOL for helping us, the people who had an uneasy childhood
this literally had me in tears. thank you Alain, you can't even imagine the positive impact your work has on the world.
Was just about to have another helping of self hatred but this made me put the spoon down.
stfu you pos.
Dropped a bomb when he said “We can end up lacking any capacity for anger because that would require a basic sense of self-worth” sheeeesh Even tho i understood that there are many that use drugs or other addictions to cope, the concept that we operate on levels made it crystal clear - so if our anger levels are 0, our addiction levels will be higher bc we have to let the steam off somewhere. Its sad that we cause this damage onto ourselves when we did nothing wrong to ourselves and it was bc of assholes in the world. Maybe the addictions are a way of torturing ourselves by asking “how could u hate yourself so much that you allow others to constantly disrespect you?” Why are we afraid to making that confrontation? Are we scared they’ll just pull a gun out of their pocket and end us for standing up to ourselves? It’s like ripping a band-aid off bc we’re scared of the initial reaction. What’s worse tho, the initial reaction or a lifetime of disrespect and abuse? I say go for it, and if they do end up leaving you, you can at least feel peace knowing that secretly they just gained a tiny bit of respect for you, they’re just upset they can’t use you as an emotional punching bag anymore for their own problems
You know you´ve progressed on your mental health when you realize that this feelings aren´t a result of weakness but rather part of what makes us all humans
I never knew my childhood affected me emotionally so much until I found this channel
I often wish I was never born...so that the people around me would’ve had someone else that was better. I’m everything that they just described. The worst part is that I’m aware of it. I know I have a problem but I don’t know what to do.
This life is a big piece of shit and nothing will ever change that
My self worth is so low that each time the video talks about how you forgave many people more than what they deserve, I wonder how many people I have hurt, how many second chances others gave me, and how many people would instantly hate me after watching this video.
Thank you for this. "I trust myself" is now a mantra of mine.
And then there’s those who grew up in an unbelievably loving environment with no missing family members who still hate themselves. As great as this video is, it… doesn’t really help the people in this camp all too much.
I don't blame others for hating myself I blame myself and my actions
@dangboof saying everyone makes mistakes doesn't atone for my foults
Zay Xen so relatable 😔
I needed this. At least 10x a day I think of something I’m ashamed of doing in the past and tell myself I hate myself 7-8x.
I've let myself go and it's taken its toll on me physically and mentally. I've so far to go, so many places to go, great lengths I have to reach and greatness to achieve but I just don't care and every night I wish to change but here I am again, late at night, in bed contemplating about what could become and maybe I'm a little convinced that this is it for me.
all this was true of myself until years ago. Of course, I can't speak for all, and there are some complex situations as to why one might dislike themselves, but I now follow a single main precept, which happens to also be a simple one, and it is this: if you have caused no harm to anyone, then you are ALREADY a decent person, and therefore your dislike toward yourself is not rational, since it is irrational to dislike a decent person. Of course, there's better than 'decent', but 'decent' isn't bad, either.
this is probably the best life advice content on the entire internet. thank you so much!
Thanks the School of Life for sharing this, it’s so insightful for me and now I am assured I can stop hating myself.
This video came at the perfect time for me. I have a horrible day every day but today was even more horrible than usual. I felt like a situation that occurred was all my fault, kept repeating that in my head and ended up feeling like a waste of space on this planet and wanting to end it all because I truly felt it would make the world a better place so this is really helpful
And why do we believe the lies we're told? (My mother always told me I was evil and going to hell...among other things...) So hard to let that sh!t go!
I had amazing parents and a happy childhood, yet I still hate myself. I tend to be quite suspicious of the psychoanalytic idea that early childhood experience is the cause of all mental health problems.
I was an accident and a mix is a miracle I was even born and I knew it, there are pages my grandfather dedicated to why he was so ashamed and angry that I was going to exist so I worked hard, didn't cry, never got mad, learned to speak only when I had to, give mom a reason to be proud of me give dad no reason to get angry, do your best and if not well then there's a cliff five miles out with lots of wild animals to take care of the body and further funeral expenses if find can be paid for by what's in my bank account... It took a while to realize that's not a normal thought pattern so I'm trying to get better, I don't know if I will but I'm good at lots of stuff so I'll practice till I'm good at me too. Thanks for this video
you will get better if you don't give up.
I am so grateful that The School of Life exists. It completely changed my life( and still changing). When I saw this video three months ago, all the content in it felt weird, strange and fresh. However, after three months of self-discovery and many times of talking with my psychotherapist. When I saw this video once more, it just felt so touching and so true.
I have been average all my life. I don't have any inborn talent except Emotional Intelligence. I have so many weaknesses. But my ambitions are high. At times even after working hard, if I am not able get what I want, then I start hating myself. I feel like good for nothing. I wish God had given me a little more Intelligence. But its okay. I have accepted all my weaknesses. I try to overcome my weaknesses with lots of practice. The God has given me a well functioning brain and everyday I try to use it optimally to make better life for me and my loved ones.
you will be okay. Understand don’t waste your own time, the only way to become better at anything will require study, practice then applicable change from everything you’ve worked on. it’s like hitting the gym the smallest upgrade will broaden your context on everything and enrich your experience if done correctly
Your problem is you think god did this to you. He isnt real. We happened to be born because our parents fucked. Our world woukd be a much better place if god were real unfortunately, it isnt. The truth is there is nk point to our meaningless existence
For those with loving childhoods, you likely still have had an adverse childhood experience (ACE) that may or may not be somebody's fault, or, simply being a baby without control over your bodily experiences can be unsettling if your parents are not mind-readers (i'm not ok, but as a necessary caregiver you're still ok). For those who have been through serious trauma, realising that the source of pain is outside yourself can happen very young, it's a sort of silver lining. (i'm not ok, you're not ok either) With trauma this kind of deflection/denial is unlikely, the pain/disconnect is overwhelming, so instead it gets burned into your nervous system as a situation to always be avoided (e.g. must not make others angry). People who have experienced trauma still get the numbness (dissociation) but survival often seems to require some of that fighting-anger life-force (world-hate?), till you can independently find somewhere safe to sort yourself out. World-hate might be a little closer to seeing that a death-wish is a wish for change, a new-life wish... These responses are all pretty normal though. Not seeing the cause of pain helps children cope with things they can't change. As adults we can consciously change how we see things... and live a better life for it. Take care all L [ACE scores - a useful thing to know about, about 2/3rd of us potentially feel the need for extra 'comforting' as a result of some adverse childhood experience. More ACEs = more need for comfort to stay calm and happy. It's part of life...resolved through human connection or your addiction of choice] ["I'm ok - you're ok" is a classic 70's book by T.H. Harris about the experience of being a 'helpless' child relative to our carers and how we relate to each other as adults in parent/child mode or as equals. seriously out of date on trauma tho]
Lily L Can we talk? You just literally described my life I need more answers
@@S1NOFPRID3 Hi, hope you are ok. I might be able to give some pointers, but not sure how to communicate safely via youtube. is there are message feature? It's best to talk to someone in person who understands trauma and ACEs if you can. If there are particular things you want to learn more about yourself I can probably post links here...
As a place to start - Russel Brand is doing surprisingly good videos on addiction and getting back to the core of things. I do know that while talk therapy is important, trauma or bad experiences that are locked in your body also require physical healing. Stress gets trapped in your body till you find a way to release it, like an animal that gets a fright and freezes, we need to 'run it off' afterwards as well, (even if it's now years later, the escape energy gets stuck, keeps you in survival mode): Things like doing star-jumps or jump-rope when feeling a bit anxious, or regular drumming or dance rhythms, muscle trembles or 'tremoring' (TRE - basically loose relaxed muscle shaking). Some people find 'tapping' helps (try EFT with Brad Yates). EMDR (eye movement therapy) can combine what you learn from the talking and movement to do amazing things for healing trauma completely, but I don't recommend jumping into that without knowing all your personal triggers or having a really good therapist help you through it (I might be wrong, some people say it requires little pre-work - see Jameela Jamil talk to Russel Brown about it). There is a lot of stuff on these on youtube on all of these. Also Polyvagal Theory (vagus nerve responses) is helpful if you want to know what your body is doing when it reacts to random things, or when you feel safe. This is a lot here I know, I don't your situation so sharing all the things that seem to help with feeling stuck in survival mode when therapy isn't enough. Therapy is great though. (or any trusted connection with someone who knows how to listen)
We just had an exceptionally unfortunate introduction to existence. It's hold true as I Suicidal and I don't want anyone to feel what I feel which is too painful to bear .
it surprises me to know that there are so many other people who have problems with low self esteem, this is something that I have struggled all my life.
Left alone with the enemy, not too afraid....because it's me.
Wow, I feel even more like shit now lol. I'm pretty sure my parents loved me just fine. Maybe even more than fine. But I still put myself more on the second category rather than the first one. So when this video says that the root cause of that is not being loved by your parents as a kid it just makes me feel worse cause if I actually was, why the fuck would I still feel bad about myself
my feelings exactly
Same. I think the Freudian idea that childhood experience is the root of all mental health problems, that still seems to hold sway in many quarters, is limited, and unhelpful if presented like fact as it is in this video. I suspect that genetics also play a big role in these things.
There are no words to describe how greatly this video resonates with how I see myself.
Everything said in this video resonates with me but what struck me the most was the feeling of being validated and that I am not alone with my self loathing. Thank you.
What would be the source of my self hatred if I was loved in my childhood?
what type of person are you? do you smell? Do you have a loose snatch? do you have a shanky ass? are you overweight?
We are weighed down, every moment, by the conception and the sensation of Time. And there are but two means of escaping and forgetting this nightmare: pleasure and work. Pleasure consumes us. Work strengthens us. Let us choose.
Alan Parker we need a balance of both
Every School of Life video I have seen so far has been very insightful--and fun to watch, besides. I can't help but think that in this time of involuntary confinement and increased stress, personal issues are accentuated for many people.
I've grown up into an abusive home and this video resonates with me. However I've come to recover repressed memories and I still kind of hate myself. I've moved most of that hatred towards my parents, but how can I really let go of the rage and move on?
It takes time for some people to learn to love themselves...some never do 😏
I dont think ive experienced love since i was about 13. Im in my early 20's now and its not like im aro or ace. I just dont know what to do when youre in a relationship. Hug? Kiss? Talk about problems? Emotional support? None very appealing. I want to love and be loved. But i cant see a reason why.
I'm sad to hear so many other people hate themselves, but it does help in a way to know I'm not alone