The BIGGEST Reasons 80% Of Relationships FAIL... | Esther Perel
2021 ж. 9 Там.
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I was married for 62 years, I was in love with my wife Sonia for every day of our life together. I loved her, respected her,admired her abilities in everything she did. It was based on a deep, true love that many people never experience.
Love is a verb, not a feeling. I think you both discovered it.
Damn, that's good John. Much respect to you both.
I’m so happy for you John & your wife Sonia, you found what so many miss out on. Good luck & all the best.
how do she achieve this john?
Blessed
“Most people talk nicer to other people than they do to their partner “ that thought crosses my mind all day long the way she speaks to me.
Remember: You chose her!
Sae thought
What happens when you tell her that?
@@RatetheDebate nothing… they’ll deny and get mad you’re confronting them about it.
@@giselle4749 Probably accurate in most cases.
1. Indifference - coldness and estrangement 2. Neglect - no effort, complacency 3. Disrespect - taking frustration out on partner 4. Contempt - degradation and disdain
If a man does this a woman will be obsessed with trying to make you like her...
The problem in Western culture, particularly America, is women have been taken out of their place in an attempt to put them on equal footing as a man. Do not get me wrong, I cannot bare a child, nor do I have the empathy of a righteous woman. But women are not supposed to be in the leadership position. They get run over rough shod, any woman who disagrees with that is just simply in denial. The majority of divorce today is initiated by women, only because they can, and that's it. Another major problem is the extreme over empashis on sex. You have 70 year old women acting like teenagers. Unbelievable how far and fast America had fallen. I am not blaming women for the fall of our culture. That will fall squarely on the shoulders of men... the way it should be Not women
Contempt means run and fast.
I can not understand what hold one in relationship if he feels the coldness and indifference from his partner.
@@snezana1232a mortgage, a retirement account.
After 26 years , i filed for a divorce 5 weeks ago. My husband began not making us or me a priority, stopped inviting or including me, ignored me , put everyone & everything above me and i gave him ample opportunity to turn things around. And i went from hurt , to angry, to resentment, then more pain and i don’t know where I’m going or what I’m going to do , but if I’m going to be lonely and sad i can do that alone . That’s what it feels like , so I’ll cut out all the negativity and anger and focus on myself. I’m just figuring it out day by day and keep pushing & staying positive!!!
You will be ok. Get to know God. Feed your spirit
lucky guy .... btw 26 years in drain because you didnt feel like a princess all the time thats rough 🤣 how much did you stole from him in divorce settlement ?btw 26 years you are probably around 50 maybe 50 + exhusband maybe even more what did you expect ?🤣 btw nice one sided thesis what about his side of story ? we dont need it right 🤣 ? you was always best wife ever ...role model of wives .... right 🤣 never annoying ,always supportive .... probably daily in gym right ? 😂
Don’t worry, be happy😊 you will be happy on the other side…
"My husband began not making us or me a priority" And the person in your position rarely sees how you may have contributed to him suddenly changing after 26 years. What were you doing in that 26 years?
@@GaryHighFruit But she did not say it was a sudden change after 26 years. My guess is that it was very gradual.
True Love that lasts a lifetime is NOT a Game... skills of Love. My wife told me that foreplay is how I treat her throughout every day. So we learned to flirt, share romantic songs and love via text throughout the week and every day, etc. We love to laugh every day and have fun together... yes, we’ve had a life of playfulness together. 💞
I am so going to tell that to my partner of 10 years what your wife said that's so great
Thats wonderful, I read your comment twice, and I'm taking it to à new relationship that has just started à few weeks ago. I met a great woman and I I have much optimism that things will go very well for us. Thank you truly for your comment.
That’s great. Beautiful, man. I love that realization. Most of what I learned of love, identity, and sex, I was taught from the world (environment) (the experts were teaching me…that they were just as screwed up as I was…learning from the world) Now, I am listening to God and those whom love comes through. I have good identity & sex…all the time…because I am a sex…now, accepting, loving & living in it. So, good for you!!!
@M PW 9 years
Thats so great! Way to keep the fire burning!
Love is a verb. I’ve been with my wife for 25yrs and the key has been to realize that marriage is about serving each other; taking action, sacrificing for each other. Acts of love will lead to feelings of love.
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Actually...its a NOUN...it can be a verb, when the noun is used, in actions!!
Beautifully said :)
@@pamelafrey7919 Did u ever read EPHESIANS ch.5: all
It has to work both ways or else it becomes frustrating.
It´s very difficult when the other person doesn't make an effort, reciprocate, or meet you half way.
Thee you go. Spot on.
Half way? Spouses are supposed to meet each other all the way, so that when needed either of you can carry the both you.
Exactly. I didn’t blame him because I was ashamed of my behaviour, but because my needs weren’t met. I didn’t give up and I didn’t come as passive- aggressive like him
Esther is so wonderful - she is so smart and honest but never sounds clinical - she always breaks things up with warmth and charm.
Agreed! 🧡
Love what this lady has to say. Things that are obvious. But things we don't always think about ! Spot on. 👍👋
1. Indifferent : losing interest, not priority 2. Neglect : everything get priority except your partner 3. violence : disrespect toward partner 4. Contemp : degradation
I love how she explains violence as micro-aggressions. Working against someone, not caring how thy feel or what they think it’s a basic lack of coordination, respect and decency. And often this is attributed to the others persons ego.
Contempt is it.
NOT ONE of these are root causes to problems. All are 100% symptoms to root causes, not the root cause themselves. IDK how she get's away with it.
@@crforfreedom7407 🙌🏽💯 I Agree
@@crforfreedom7407 what then are the root causes?
I have been married for 35 years and all of these things will happen at some point in your marriage. The key is finding a way back to each other and finding a way not to do it again.
🙌
Yes, but what is the path to that key? Once you’ve reached that point in a relationship, it becomes virtually impossible to just stop being there. Everything that has been a trigger still exists, in every moment.
@@Gk2003m Forgiveness is the key and stop putting expectations on the relationship.
@@annewilson834 That works, if both parties agree to it and practice it (which gets to the gist of my previous question, more on that momentarily). But if only one person does it and the other does not, the person doing it quickly becomes a doormat. To me, the key is PRACTICE. And both parties have to to it. New behaviors do not simply exist. They need to be built. Just as we practice a violin til we get good at it, just as we practice playing a sport til we become proficient… being good at relationships requires lots of work.
The trust is gone for life in a matter of 3 minutes.
Crucial question: if a friend treated you the way your spouse treats you, would you still hang out with that friend? Would you continue to think of them as a friend?
Great way of putting it
if a spouse only treats you like a friend and doesn't have sex then it's just as bad.
Hell no
@@hackmedia7755 agreed! this is what happens so frequently in LT relationships.....
Spot on
Fantastic video, love it! My wife and were married for 14 years, 13 out of it were very bad, I tried it all, went beyond and over, trying to make life easier for my wife… always being taken for granted, no intimacy whatsoever, she verbally abused me many times and physically assaulted me three times… and now I am working on divorce, because I strongly believe that I deserve better 😢😢
There is a wonderful book called “no more mr nice guy” by Robert glover that you might find helpful.
yes, you surely deserve better, it's a pity that this idea took so long to become strong enough to act. I wish you will be happy and tender to yourself and never let anyone treat you badly. Self love and self esteem is smth that personal borders and happy life and relationship are built on. As someone who overcame domestic violence, I can say that it's extremely important to quit this victim pattern ("she made smth to me and I couldn't protect myself") and to take your part of responsibility not for what other person did to you (it's not your fault), but for LETTING her behave that way for so many years. You had some reasons to stay there for so long, but the core reason is the lack of self love and self respect and self esteem. If I love and take care of myself, if I am precious to myself and I choose myself and my well-being every moment over everything, than no one can forcely make me treat myself badly, nobody can hurt me, cause I will fight for myself with all my strength. No relationship is more precious than the one with myself, and letting other people hurt me means betraying myself. That's what I faced and what my grief was all about. Good luck. Btw C-PTSD therapy might be useful. The hardest thing is that we still regret the failure of marriage and loss of partner even in case it was as bad as hell. Take care, you will be fine, I know. For anyone out there living in abuse of any kind: quit right now, nobody will come and save you, don't wait for a miracle or a change, just run right now as far as you can. I am giving this unwanted advice because I wish someone told this to me many years ago, but nobody did. Recovery takes years and will never be full. Don't expose yourself to violence, never, it's not worth it. Hugs.
You do deserve better and will find it. Don't be hard on yourself, we let go when we are ready. I wish you all the best & stay strong
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@@awaalex6918 I hope you were not offended in anyway
I have been noticing that a respectful friendship must be the foundation of any relationship.
Alex - no, that (friendship or phileo in Greek) is the foundation for any relationship. That entails you knowing and accepting a persons faults bc they are compatible with some of yours. At least unitl some of their other faults piss off some of your other ones too. But one friend in life is your share. But when it comes to a man and a woman in marriage the foundation must be sexual intercourse. This is where men are failing women in relationship since time began. Ppl just odnt knwo and it is primarily ghidden fromthe woman The problem is still one thing. When the dude finish the average female is just beginning to get started to cum. And while it is suppose to be alleviating the stress as a female in this world, she is getting more frustrated. So addition to her PMS< GAD< ADA she has free-floating-anxiety. (FFA) Every female past 20 will need sex according to her age. Our libidos are progressive in tolerance. It really builds up in anticipation of menopause where you can have sex every day instead of 3 weeks out the month. I wrote a book called "Sexual perfection" that breaks down the woman orgasm system.
I agree. My wife has been my best friend for 63 years.
Best Friends... absolutely. People get hung up not knowing how to be best friends and projecting past pain-hurt is unfair to a completely different partner.
Adrian Rose YO ADRIAN
It helps, but not guaranteed…my best friend is still my ex husband.
I love the first comments she said regarding how most people approach relationships; based on what they saw (know) as children between their parents or with their parents. I almost did not get married to my husband because I was afraid I would end up divorced just like my parents (just 2 years prior). I remember crying on the phone and blurting this out to my father. He told me "forget about me and your mother. If you love this man, go and build a life of your own." That is what my husband and I did. We had several happy decades together, after 2 children, until he passed away a few years ago.
👍
Good Dad
Oh wow. Sorry for your loss
Sending you virtual condolences for your recent loose and I'm feeling that your partner will be there for you .Accept the kindness ✨️
Ditto, but in REVERSE. My parents SHOWED me the OPPOSITE of the four problems listed, and I got to watch them. Opposite of indifference : CHERISHING. Neglect versus SUPPORT. Violence versus LOVE/CARE. Contempt versus RESPECT. My parents gave each other Loyalty, Support, and Affection. They cherished each other AND the relationship.
#1- Communication / listenning to each other. - #2- Common interst & understanding. - #3- Foregiveness! - Hey, it alway - always worked & works for me.
I’m proud to tell you I had a marriage that lasted 60yrs till his passing we were the lucky ones. ❤❤❤❤❤❤I’d do it all over again.
Lucky
Blessed ❤
Until you meet again. ❤️ Thanks for sharing.
34 years till she passed.
Selfishness is a huge part of the demise of most relationships. We often end up expecting others to make us happy and never realize that the only way to be happy is to understand it comes from within us. Taking others for granted is a short road to the end of a relationship.
I agree , most people are always wanting more after a while .Complacency is a killer in marriage when it shouldn’t be. If you are an attractive individual then you feel invincible to the point where you won’t think twice about leaving your partner.
Happiness comes from within, no one else can bestow it upon you. As Abraham Lincoln said " most people are as happy as they make up their minds to be."
Can you please call my ex and tell her that
Blue Screen nails it. If you are just after your own personal satisfaction, then you have no place in a relationship. To be in a relationship is being one body with others, whether it is marriage or simply friendship. Everyone must work and make effort for the satisfaction of each member as a whole.
A good marriage is based on respect and love. If you disrespect your partner constantly and verbally attack them then it’s a quick road to the end.
7 things... Dishonesty = hiding things Self-centeredness = it's all about me Passivity = not investing in one another Independence = two cannot be one if one stays in independence instead of interdependence Anger = attacking, accusing, blaming Pride = not owning your part of the problem Not growing = not adapting, not becoming more, reverting to old behaviors, lack of self awareness or awareness in general
you da king! thx 🙏🏽
Totally
This is a good list but isn't what she lists.
Ray, I really think that "Not growing" is the number one issue these days. The world has way too much crap being tossed around on t.v., radio, and the internet and many people are addicted to changing at a moment's notice for whatever is deemed "sexy" and they leave, turning their backs on their spouses. I see this all the time.
🎯 bravo.. list is sooo familiar and real.
Number 1 reason Competing interests.
I was shaking with grief while watching this video. You just described word for word the downfall of my relationship that meant the world to me and that was ended over the past few weeks. So many misunderstandings, so much misplaced emotion and expectation, and it could have been avoided by seeing this short video 😢
So sorry to hear this!
The beauty about heartache is that there is such an enriching opportunity to learn, to grow and to apply all that rich learning to all areas of our life. Wishing you much strength and resolve for this new chapter.
Mine Prioritised her self - her friends and her family - even though I am still seeing her after our divorce which is crazy even though I should not be doing so - we still have intimacy ?
@@marksallai2289 Why do you allow and perpetuate this terrible dynamic? Sometimes we don't realize the very damage we participate in. But you are conscious of the dysfunction and hand over the keys willingly. It's an imperative moment to question why you permit this for yourself and then make decisions that center your well being.
@@MyrnaDeJesus I am mixed up and want to let her go but I cannot yet - I don't have any answers but I feel one day another woman may change this - I am going away soon on my own to a few countries to clear my head and focus on new things
"Expectation is a resentment in the making". Great phrase! Totally agree!
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I learned that a few years ago and it's also in a book written in part by Bill Wilson where it's pointed out that : Serenity is inversely proportional to expectation . As I've been aware of this for awhile now I have also noticed that not all expectations are wrong to have. I no longer get emotionally attached to someone unless and until these truths are known.. I no longer use only my eyes to see. As with most of the critical lessons of life this one came at a very high price..
So true! Resentment is a killer.
I am barred from using saying "No" to my girlfriend. It is grounds for accusations of attack or abuse. She on the other hand does not acknowledge the doubt standard. Apparently I am the cause of all her tears, yet after so many times I have said ok, go find someone else, she's still loitering in my head space.
So this means we shouldn’t expect the attention. So a total oxymoron.
Before you get married, know your partner's needs. From day one, I put effort into making nice meals for my husband. He put effort into doing the laundry. I cleaned the bathroom. He vacuumed the floors and mowed the lawn. We split up the jobs fairly evenly. We both worked and grew a life together. Thirty eight years later, we're still together and we still like each other's company. We both feel blessed.
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Your older women mature not entitled 20 women today are not worth 1 women of your generation
Some men were created to be celibate. Celibacy is their test in the world. Because they're sensitive and emotional and because they are dependent on people and human emotions of feelings of love and loyalty, celibacy is their test and celibacy is their answer. Celibacy is their blessing and celibacy they think is their curse. And whenever an intelligent and wise man goes into a relationship and seeks love and happiness in this world from a woman, he ends up suffering so much through other reasons that he ends up emotionally and mentally breaking down and becoming depressed and dependent upon a man emotionally physically and eventually sexually. And many of them end up falling in love with younger boys after sexually being involved with an intelligent and emotional man who feels dishonoured and humiliated by the sexually serving their boyfriends and husbands. The answer is very simple. Celibacy... Purity. Piety. Chastity. Although for a person who is mentally and emotionally depressed and spends all his life crying weeping and wailing and being sad, the greatest nightmare of that person is to be single and chaste. But if they could suffer that pain of celibacy for 3 to 5 years, then they would find such happiness and such fulfilment in their lives and they would never ever have to go through the long part of seeking sexual pleasure from a woman and then falling in love with a man and then becoming a criminal to keep that man and then becoming a murderer and a monster and a weak person who is dependent on another person's love and has to destroy the universe and every religion and every law just to justify themselves and they're sick sexual sexuality. Although celibacy and Chastity is a word of fear and terror to men. These two words hold every honour, every friendship, every happiness, every power, every fulfilment, health happiness honour respect true friendships ultimate happiness and ultimate success in this world and the next for every single emotional and intelligent man. No man in the world suffered because of celibacy. No man in the world ever suffered because of chastity. No man was ever famed because he was celibate. No man was ever tortured because he was chaste. No man was ever tortured and humiliated and assaulted because he was pious. No man was ever killed murdered or framed for being celibate and chaste and pure
From a young person coming up on 10 years of marriage…Watching this video and reading these comments feels like I just found a goldmine. Thank you Ester and all others for the wisdom presented here.
Thank you for showing love and your continued support 🧡
Neglect - my girlfriend told me “the only thing you care about is your dog and your car”. I admired her insight! 🤣😆😆
Is she still your girlfriend?
Overblown expectations; lack of honesty in communication; not really knowing what love actually is; shrinking in the face of hard times and challenges.
Sounds like the modern white women raised in America since the 1970’s
Narcissism kills anything.
You got that right. It's still unknown to most people. I suspect nearly every commenter here that had a bad relationship was with a covert narcissist and didn't even know it. Narcs are everywhere today, and the relationship cycle is inevitable.
Narcs have nothing to give, just take.
It's interesting that the bible illustrates Satan as a narcissist. It highlights the main difference between Satan and God as narcissism and a life of self-sacrifice for goals higher than self.
Yes....anyone fortunate enough to have never lived with it, has no idea of the mind games they play and how much work it takes to shake them from taking up real estate in you mind
True!
Been scrolling through a lot of stuff, being a 53 single guy, trying to figure out this whole relationship thing. This is the first calm, to the point, mature conversation I have found so far.
Thank you for tuning in 🧡
Same brother, but I’m at 51 and single. Makes me wish I’d seen this at twenty.
Completely agree. This is brilliant
We are simply children in adults body.
As a child - I was unable to satisfy expectations, and as a result there was no affection to be had..it caused a lot of damage as well as loneliness - it took me a lifetime to sort out..and at 67yrs of age , I'm enjoying intimacy for the first time - its unbelievable !
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Thank you for sharing. Many of us need to hear that there is hope :)
I had to do the same at 46. It’s amazing to realize this and how much it affects in my life. Glad to hear you’ve made the effort
That gave me hope, I'm 60, the last boyfriends ex wife seemed to demand his attention, so much so, I had to go and asked him to clean up his energetic field, I hope he does as I fell in love but he can't reciprocate except when we're together, very stressful when apart
From what I learned about relationships, missing communication is the biggest killer. Because communication is the breath of every relationship. Once that's gone, the relationship suffocates.
Most people understand that non-talking is not communicating. Fewer understand that non-LISTENING is also not communicating.
Absolutely spot on!
@@jamesredman1263in
Yes but dig deeper. Sound communication is predicated on compatibility of yolk. If the two do not communicate at the same level of depth and meaning, can't "get" each other, and even if they do, can't meet each other's needs due to wiring, they can talk until the cows come home. The marriage still can't be fixed. Marriage between internally incompatible people can never be "fixed," even if kept intact.
Nonviolent Communication saved my marriage. Taking responsibility for getting my own needs met was a game changer. ❤️⭐️💜
What causes a relationship to Fail -the start the Relationship demise happens when we see: 1. Indifference - Losing interest, the feeling that you no longer matter to this person. 2. Contempt - Despising one another; you are nothing to me; this will kill your marriage or relationship. Never hold your loved ones in contempt. 3. Neglect - Taking each other for granted. Everything get priority other than your spouse or partner. 4. Violence - Talking ugly to your partner; talking this way to anyone else, you will not get away with it. Aggressive talk and conversation with one another. 5. Micro Aggressions - Passive aggression 6. Blame - blaming out partner for our unhappiness.
Loyalty is just as important as love. My wife and I are brutally loyal to each other. Nothing gets in the way of loyalty. Kids, family, self interests, money etc. comes before loyalty. No matter what is going on with the world or our lives, I know that my wife will always put me first and I will always put her first. There will always be problems and disagreements in every relationship. Loyalty will always overcome these problems.
Yes but loyalty is only possible with love. if you don't first love your wife and rely on loyalty only, wait until someone you actually love shows up, then get back to me on loyalty. Love is a precursor to loyalty.
I gave up on love 14 yrs ago after 3 Engagements, one 41 yr old son. Retired back to the Vancouver Island to another town where I grew up. My 1st boyfriend at 16 in 1970, found me on Facebook 52 yrs later. He's still handsome, kind, everything I ever wanted and more, he's knows all the people I use to filled in the blanks, so natural it was worth the wait. 💘
🧡🧡🧡
Go with what you know , I'm glad somebody followed their Heart , and not their Head....👽
I found love with my first love. 25 years apart. I found a house on the internet and brought it, happened to be next door to him.
@@jenniferstephens1359 crikey the odds of that happening and did you catch up with each other?
@@jenniferstephens1359 you two were supposed to meet again x
A long time ago I watched as my aunt and her husband stood close to one another, smiling at each other and quietly talking between themselves in their backyard during a small family gathering one fine summer day. I drew my older cousin's attention to the scene saying; "look at Nikki and Charles". He said what about them? I said look at how they are with each other. He turned to me and said; you know what that is? They like each other. It must be about 40 years gone by now but I never forgot that. (My aunt and her husband were happily married 40 + years when she passed away from breast cancer.) It made perfect sense to me at the time. You have to LIKE the person you have a relationship with, loving someone is one thing. Liking them is another. Ideally you're IN LOVE with each other and LIKE being around each other. Respect, honesty, COMMUNICATION ... all play an important part of a healthy, ADULT relationship. And if you have hurt the other's feelings during the day, you MUST apologize before you go to sleep that night. Otherwise you're saying uou don't care, that your partner's feelitngs don't matter. That you don't love him or her. And that's just plain disrespectful. And it's the beginning of the end of the relationship. 💀
Beautiful story.
@@scarlettg6136 Would you believe that all these years later I can still see them as they were that day. They were an attractive couple. Poignant, precious memories 💕
7777&787777777777777777777777
7777777777777777777&777777
Correct...30 years..I like my partner, I want to be part of his life, that is the main course...everything else is a side dish..
Lack of pureness is the biggest reason behind failing every relations both physical & spiritual ! Thanks❤️🙏
So basically when admiration, appreciation and respect is over.
Unnecessary pride kills all relationships!
Exactly! We have to be smart and strong enough to choose between good pride (letting others recognize your worth) and toxic pride (competing with others just to step on higher)! God bless❤️
True!
Holy cow. This woman is spot on. I've learned some bad habits from my parents and I have no excuse for continuing the pattern
NODBODY is explaining relationships so succinctly - so clearly, as Esther is doing! Every sentence she speaks, I find myself nodding my head in agreement. Lots of "AHA!" moments.
I remember coming home after work, I was in my car, my wife at the time was in her vegetable garden. She looked my way, tossed her head, ignored me and continued working in her vegetable garden. She did not even wave or say hello. That was THE moment that I KNEW that the marriage was over. I had suffered too much neglect for too long, and now I was being treated with utter contempt. There was no reason for me to suffer any more abuse.
Gosh, sounds like my BF Wonder why he hangs on to the relationship.
@@a.d.b535 Wonder why you would hang onto him?
Do you spend time with your wife, acknowledge and treat her for birthday, valentines and just because
@Jeffrey Sheldrake My advice...you tell her something like this...."I am feeling unloved and ignored. We need to address this, I cant go on like this. In 12 months time things will be very different between us, or I will be gone. Are you willing to go to see a counsellor with me?" This will bring it to a head; either she loves you and values you enough to try to fix things...or she shows her contempt and refuses to go to see a Counsellor...and you walk away.
My wife gets up in the morning, straight out into the garden for an hour or two. I cannot remember when she last made a cup of tea.
The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. I wholeheartedly agree. I no longer care about love or relationships and have been single for over 8 years now. Life is simple, peaceful, less stressful and more financially sound.
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… love | hate are symptoms of attachment. To overcome those in detaching entails indifference.
@@VaronPlateando Except for unconditional love, which has no attachments.
I'm with you on this. It is much easier to be alone.
I agree
My wife and I have been married 38 years, and we're ALWAYS like two kids playing in a sandbox. We're best friends and we understand each other. We help each other 100%. We DO NOT WITHHOLD from each other, as that is the only real reason that people grow apart. And understanding is composed of affinity, reality and communication. And that's the key to life including marriage.
Thats lovely. Your blessed man.
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How many children do you have?
How did you two meet?!
how wonderful. I agree..witholding is the worst..once trust is gone everything is forever ruined
The three pillars of any relationship is trust respect and communication.
My personal core values since I was in the military. Best response EVER!!!!!
I could literally listen to this intelligent woman talk for hours.
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Same! I wish she would cover the topic of enmeshment within divorced parents and children and how it affects a new spouse within the damage it can cause. Enmeshment may probably and most likely will destroy a second marriage relationship. It gives little hope in the long term.
Relationships are sadly a slippery slope. If you do a lot for your partner, they'll eventually expect it and take it for granted. The bar will remain raised even if they don't do as much for you. When they take it for granted, they're more likely to grow bored with it. If you stop doing it because you feel unappreciated, they won't notice the things you still do, but they'll definitely notice the things you no longer do. With that said, I think the #1 issue that kills relationships in my personal experience is unrealistic expectations. You have to step back sometimes and appreciate your partner for what they do to make the relationship succeed, not what you would like your ideal story book partner to do.
Very well said… I think about this a lot,
Slippery slope sounds more like an unattainable pipe dream.... don't work at it and it fails from neglect, work at it and it fails from unattainable expectations.
My goodness is this true for my marriage, which is ending
There is only ONE reason why relationships fail: Someone got selfish. Selfishness comes in many forms, but this is the ultimate root.
You sir, are 100% correct.
Sometimes one or both people have emotional baggage. It's like trying to run a marathon while carrying a trunk.
100% right my friend
Or too focused on kids, patients/clients, work, too enmeshed with their family growing up, poor financial management, etc…
Self is our new religion.
Sometimes relationships are more work than what they're worth. Relationships take effort, energy, and love is expensive. You got to get things up and keep them going. There has to be a little star out on the horizon to take a bearing on and give both parties in the relationship a direction and something to look forward to.
My parents had an extremely toxic relationship, and my wife's parents were equally pieces of work if only in a different way, but we have been mostly happily married for 40 years, and sure there were potholes and landslides but we are now stronger than ever. Part of that has been because while we might have a bad day here and there, we know that ultimately we love each other and that despite what we might sometimes say, we have each other's best at heart.
Cornerstones of relationship demise: Indifference, Contempt, Neglect and Violence I watched this KZhead video twice - which enlightening me very much. A very deep discussion in understanding ourself and our partners - in helping align the third “us” entity in a relationship 🤩 A must watch!!!
I love the way she explains those 4 points. Even if that is not the case in every failed relationship, it definitely helps to have a better quality love life.
Going thru a divorce at the moment. I want to thank Esther for her sharing what she knows… it blesses me and brings me healing
You went through the divorce along time ago, you’re just physically breaking everything apart now . Best wishes on your journey .
Learning about relationships in this video than ever. I need to watch multiple times. This is priceless
"This is not a given. You are not owed anything. You are not that important. You are actually quite replaceable." Esther Perel out here dropping BOMBS!
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WOW- that woke me up!
Yet, so many can't be bothered to try until the other has given up and walked away......
The biggest reason that many relationships fail is simple. They didn't start with love, only an idea of love mixed with desire and loneliness. Don't get stuck where you don't belong and walk alone before you find the real deal.
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" They didn't start with love, only an idea of love mixed with desire and loneliness." Wow. That that really hit me. It's so true, at least for me.
Wow very deep comment, thank you very helpful
Pooh, I agree with that all the way!
This is an awesome interview. Thank you so much for sharing this helpful relationship guidance. The content to me is sound and very well based, and hit many cords!
Indifference is spot on...I don't recall my ex-wife ever showing any concnern for me or any real interest in me as a person. I was too naive to pick up on it or simply in denial. In 20+ years, I don't recall she EVER asking me how I was, how was my day, how was my trip, etc. Any time I spoke about something personal - about me...she went silent and switched the conversation back to herself. I could go on, but you get the picture. I already beat myself up enough for allowing this, and fortunately have moved on.
Tough reality
"The quality of our lives reflects the quality of our relationships." Spot on.
Agreed!
Agree
Right, and in this culture (capitalism) real quality of life escapes most of us.
RESPECT IS KEY , IF YOU DONT RESPECT YOUR SPOUSE AND THEY DONT RESPECT YOU ITS OVER !!!!!
Absolutely loved this video. Very insightful, especially since I recently broke up from a 14 year marriage. I can see a lot of things we both did wrong. Wow. Wish I would have known this information since day one.
Tiffany, its great to read that you are admitting " both " did wrong. We are human. Everyone does mistake and nobody is perfect. I hope you will find your love again
Totally agree. Respect and balance. Love and understanding. Never loose sight of these qualities! 😊
*Never had a GirL Friend in My Life!!!*
@@Justin.MartyrAt what age? Are you? If you're 16: stop worrying, if you're 26: do not despair yet, if you're 36: you've got a problem.
This is the very best and most comprehensive overview of the work and psychology needed to sustain a loving marriage or intimate relationship!!! Thanks for the reminder- and I agree with every word shared !! I wish everyone could watch this presentation, over and over and over again - until we are on autopilot implementing all of her recommendations and suggestions!!
You're welcome, thank you for tuning in 🧡
Great suggestion! Her words are worth more than gold and diamonds.
At 19:55: "Expectation is resentment in the making." So true!
Yeah but she wants us to expect respect, attention, etc so it’s contradictory
I love everything she’s said. It makes me think about how to make my relationship better. As much as saying thank you, I think I’m sorry is important to say to your partner too. Empathy & appreciation.
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I have been in this relationship for 8 years , and only the first 6 months to a year relationship has kept me stay. As I grew up n become matured, I lessen my complain and I know I’m very suspicious even though part of them are true but I always go back to remember how I live him. We synchronize well with our dysfunctions. I’m happy that we are still here together even if we went to fiancée to ex fiancée after 2 years then split up and after 6 months came back n I try to just be happy for what I have … I can’t ask for more! I know I had the chance to date while we splitted up and I dated a new man that was my ideal guy but It was not as fun as with my ex. So we are in relationship that is kinda weird but I’m trying to accept what he is capable to give me . I know that it’s not easy for me to move in as I haven’t met the guy that will give me the butterflies and I know it’s not easy for to fall in love I don’t know why I’m so fixated to this love and being a martyr. We are now just friends n i sold the house where we were together im fir 8 years from dating to gf to engaged then split up then he move moved back after 6 months then all over again I’m quietly hoping to building up our relationship to become bf-gf- fiancée and ultimately get married I’m almost 60 next year and he his 60 as well. I guess I’m si in love with him as I feel there is no one out there that I will feel same just as I feel love for him This must be a crazy love and I asked that one day I get that commitment I been craving for. But he can’t give that ti me si I’m just as happy n try ti be content ti what I have . St times I really think I should really just pick anyone among the guys who likes ti date me but I keep them just friends as I know it’s not easy ti be intimate sexually if you are not attracted inside and out So I don’t know if it’s lame ti choose being independent n just keep waiting for him to one day grow up and settle down. The sad thing about this too is that we are completely not going out nor reintroduce ti his firebrand and sane thing to my side. We are single and free But feel like we keep our relationship to ourselves! I don’t know why I do this ti myself n d as saying to this cruelty but I know it where too as I’m scared to dare n get hurt again. And whenever I asked my ex, about us he will echo back what I feel too . Very complicated but I just have to accept I’m single until now with children one is 25 years old n youngest is 17 n both live away from m. My life is sad n I’m just trying to live with my goals to have my Dani ressurectec n maybe one day my daughter will understand my struggle n don’t think that I exchange her for nonstop looking for love n that’s why as early as 9 years old she was adopted by my family back ti the Philippines . My family wants ti give me a chance to date. And then when I met my present live 8 years ago, I was happy to bring back my daughter to ny life ti have a family unit with a father to be with us. Since I m a single mom with 2 children n their dads chose not to be with us. So when I got engaged, my daughter was 10 years old then and was even asking my ex fiancée if she can call him daddy. L she was very happy shopping for our gown in my wedding. But things went south n now my daughter resented me and my ex that she chose to go back n live with my family one more time and this time she doesn’t communicate ti me at all With all these going on I feel again that my life is so sad n not worth living but I struggle ti get back n be strong and work on my dreams but focusing now to my children and just try to be happy even even if I wish it can be more special!! I’m from the Philippines n I’m a grew up catholic chrustian and so. Much imposed values that I believe n I’m pretty conservative in my dating style. I haven’t met anyone to give my total self ever since my ex n I move to different houses. It’s been a year n yet we see each other not so Often but if we still have that attraction but maybe because he is a man n a player in my thoughts n in my insecurities that’s why I’m just now one of his girls he keeps around just how I have always distrust him in those thoughts n he has the sane distrust with. E but my question is then why we are still together even if we have those insecurities but not to the extent of being married or have that special time together like bf and gf do go out with friends n happy ti be introduce in his circle But he said that will never happen again as I bad talked him to his friends . But I said I grew up n I am going to be just be happy n content after these 8 years iff n in of learning experiences being with him That’s the story of what I call crazy love
As long as it goes both ways. A one sided relationship will never succeed.
Wow, she talks a lot. It's all selfish vanity - meditate and be content within yourself, and all these egotistic mental needs will vanish, she'll be happy making a sandwich in the kitchen and being a woman.
@@cecillepaed5278 sorry to hear it's been rough. Relationships are the hardest things. N I think once we realized what it actually takes to make one work we realize that its nothing near rainbows and butterflies. I think you should organize ur thoughts more, and get a clear picture of what u want. Relationships are complicated but just like video she expresses these problems very clearly and direct. So it seems like the solutions are much more simple its just our emotions that get in the way and we are the ones that complicate it.
She is none biased & it feels good to listen to her, you can sense she is true & honest & wants to fix things.
Marriage is dedication. It helps if you like each other. There are no perfect relationships. It is nice to have someone who knows you, shares your life, is comfortable to be with, loves you. It is work & so worth it.
I am SOOOO glad to hear someone (especially a woman) advocate to develope and improve oneself rather than relying on someone else to fulfill every "need, want."
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“Especially a woman”…?
@@stevelaw9554 what you are saying is fine, although I would disagree, anecdotally. I just wonder how many female relationship experts out there ARE advocating that individuals should rely on their partner to fulfill their needs and wants? I’ve never heard it. A friend over drinks? Sure. A professional? Never.
@@karynecross3695 Its not necessarily that they are actively advocating it. Its simply that so many women are resistant to the idea that they are a cause or the cause to their problems in life ESPECIALLY where romance is concerned that they will tend to disengage such a conversation, ostensibly in order to move forward in other areas, or simply to keep a 'customer'. Men are accustomed to self-improvement is a basis for self-worth, ie how much they develop themselves. Women struggle mightily with this! They may understand it in terms of schooling & career, but largely ignore in personality and character issue.
Agree!
Very thought provoking conversation. I really appreciate the focus on the issues here. I had spent more than half of my career doing some couples therapy, but have opted out of that work in the past 5 years do to the levels of self righteous contempt people started to bring, and did not want to let go of. Work only with adults willing to face the reality of their own shadow at this time, so I never have to accompany a person dismissing another with contempt without that being able to be addressed.
Glad you enjoyed it!
Modern age challenges....years back things were different...especially when man woman both are professionals...once basics are met....we all look for that connect...that vibe...that person...discussion can go on and on. Yes...some are very valid points made. Thanks too🌻🌻
Two that I put my money on....selfishness and disrespect. These two issues spawn so many of the other problems. If you see this in yourself, you need to course correct and quickly. If you see this in your partner, it must be dealt with.
When I realized I didnt matter anymore it was time to end my 15 year marriage.
Sorry
Hope you're doing ok
"Not mattering" is a symptom of a root cause, not the cause itself. Did you ever discover the root cause of why you didn't matter? Or was it in fact mutual?
@@crforfreedom7407 i had served out my usefulness in helping raise 2 step boys for 15 years.
@@id10t98 I really feel for you hope you meet that special person who puts you first in their life you deserve it 🙏
Lack of appreciation is huge...please and thank you, so basic, but it gets forgotten in relationships.
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It's forgotten in life in general. We take everything for granted. But we can change.
Hang on. I never saw the "bitter and the sweet" in my parents marriage. They kept their personal issues private. The were together for 40 years. When my mom died, my dad wanted to die too, for a while and he seriously thought about it. The relationship I'm in now does not, in ANY way, resemble my parents marriage. And it IS true, that I'm not accustomed to being yellt at, being humiliated, being taking for granted, being cursed at. So I can say with confidance that I DO only have these issues with my bf. Not with my best friend who has known me voor 40 years now (I'm 60.), nore with my other friends or family.
Many great valid points in this video. It's also not hard to get along and feel good about each other when things in life are going well, but when they're not and a couple has disagreements, minor or major, and then arguments..then what!? A famous movie celebrity from the past said something about this that I think is also a key to longevity in relationships. He said "you have to be combat compatible". That is, have a compatible style to resolve issues when you both are mad or just one or both are not getting your way. That celebrity was Danny Thomas. I was a little kid when he said that. For some reason it stuck with me.
One of the greatest assets in a relationship is that you can freely give to your partner without keeping score. It takes time to understand that the rewards of giving of yourself freely pays off much more than always expecting some payment in return of your good deeds.
100%
I agree in theory, however if you're with a selfish person who is just on the take all the time, it won't be a healthy relationship. There are a lot of codependents out there who give and give until they''re an empty husk. Having expectations of your partner will protect you from this - sometimes recognising a lack of reciprocation in a relationship is a good indicator that you need a better one.
Yes, and notice that having sex is not a good deed, it is an encounter for the pleasure of both, and a nice thing to do for both, or it shouldn't be at all. Never include sex in your transactions. Preparing a meal while the other tidies the garden are both good deeds, as is fixing the laundry and taking kids to their programs, or having relatives over for dinner in turn, his and hers, both prepaing for it. A woman should make sure that the time and money budgets are rewarding *for both* or her resentment starts building up while the husband starts taking her for granted, which kills love, and kills all the fun and reciprocity. Love is wonderful when it is free and mutual - who has experienced both mutual fairness and generosity, as well as the opposite, knows the difference. Do not settle for less than reciprocal love and caring.
@@DNA350ppm While i generally agree, men & women dont have the same needs at the same level with each other. men NEED sex more often than women NEED sex! This is why sex is almost always a sticking point when 'negotiating' a relationship! Men were biologically made to NEED sex more! Women were biologically made to NEED security and provision MORE! So it is necessary to sometimes give more than we require in an area to benefit the other person!
Those are covert contracts.
Oftentimes, Esther included here, words such as trust, respect, honesty get tossed out, but you never hear the foundational role of consistency, in words and actions...consistency is the lynchpin of all relationships.
And also the most difficult!
Can you please explain to me what you mean by consistency? Thanks! I really appreciate it.
I'm going to respectfully disagree. For many relationship, sure. But others, not so much. My mother was the model of conservatism and consistency, but my father, the love of her life, was a dreamer who dared to try new things and take risks. For example; mom, intelligent and competitive, would play bridge conservatively, by the book, and hated it when her partners made mistakes. There were precious few that she didn't complain to me about at some point. My dad would go for slams and get set from time to time. But she told me several times that he was her favorite bridge partner. She loved him so much that she either got over it quickly or found it endearing. Probably the former.
Thank you for sharing these things. It’s been said that ‘apathy is the meanest form of anger’.
We've been happily married for 24 years. Our secret? We spend at least 1 hour every day on our back deck having just a FEW drinks and a gr8 time discussing anything and everything...
I would kill to have this
@@chiragmehta8212It's imperative that you are happy with and by yourself first. And It's impossible to love someone else fully until you love yourself first.
I agree: Love is a verb. Acts of love will lead to feelings of love ❤️❤️ Selfishness is a huge part of the demise of most relationships.
Relationships fail because people do not know or understand love, and get mixed up with the wrong person. Love is giving. Love is the direct opposite of ego. Instead of trying to get what you want from another person, you give what they want from you. Love means you care. You have mutual care for each other, where you're always ready to help one another, in every problem and situation. Everybody in today's world, wants what they can get from their mate, and this is what causes all the problems. You have to find a mate who's a giver, and knows about love, and will not take advantage of you, and I'll admit, this is not an easy thing to do, but keep on looking until you find one. We're out there.
Yes, Love is the direct opposite of Ego. Well said.
That is well put indeed.
Yes, but insufficient. This is chicken and egg stuff. No one is a random giver. I can't wake up one day, step outside and just decide to give to whomever wants to receive my endless generosity. I can give freely but only to one who inspires me to become a giver - someone i admire for a variety of reasons, usually complex. In that sense, they are already giving me something by default: the inspiration to give. If they feel the same about me: I inspire them to give to me - you have the BIG BANG of love. Otherwise, it ain't gonna happen because no one is an indiscriminate giver.
elevating and very nicely said, Jimmy.
It’s a rare trait to have both partners who look at themselves before making judgement on their partners . Trust , respect , sharing duties , appreciation to each other’s contribution in a relationship is a good start . These are not the only ones but many of the others will fall into place ! Sex is a discussion both of you need to address long before you consummate your marriage !
I believe the gold standard in a relationship is mutual respect. If there is ever a personal attack during a row or even a casual conversation it is really difficult to recover. Sorry does not work. So accept that you may not always agree but agree to disagree. And if something annoys you talk about it and reach for a solution - together. When respect dies so does the relatioship.
*To all the dreamers out there, don't ever let the world's negativity disenchant you or your spirit. If you surround yourself with love and right people, ANYTHING is possible.* 🙏🖤
Thanks Ahmet, I totally agree.
💯%correct. I prefer to call them, High Value People!
keep on dreaming
Puke... omg so much BETA....... Puke
@Ahmet Kaan - How do you surround yourself with the right people when you suffer from Major Depression? People do not want to be around people who are depressed ......
God, I LOVE Esther Perel! I HIGHLY recommend her books for those that enjoy her knowledge and perspective! :)
Thank you. I was with one woman for 61 years. After she went away, I encountered twice widowed women who casually spoke about 'trying' out multiple men as new partners and expecting to be treated as something special with limited attention to my needs or areas of interest. I simply decided to be alone rather than play those games. I'm just too old and set in my ways to adopt new attitudes about that type of life.
We don't know each other, but I will flat out tell you that is the attitude of women from 16-80 now. I honestly, and in earnest say I have no idea where this notion of "I am going to have my needs met on my terms, and you should be thankful I allow you to do so." came from. I am almost 50, and that attitude is rampant. No sir, let me say it's not about adopting a new attitude about life and relationships, women somewhere along the way picked up this sick since of entitlement, where no matter how little they offer to you in terms of value in a relationship, they deserve the best and should be first priority. They flat out seem offended that the man would have any expectations or desires of his own, that they are expected to take into consideration. Again, I have noticed the same thing, and I have not a clue where all that nonsense has come from.
The false norms about women’s status in society are being promulgated by emotionally immature and profoundly unwise men and women . Causing changes in the nature of human relationships that have existed since before humans evolved.
western women these days are too diificult too demanding, those before emancipation were not, were better, so better of alone, freedome is more important
@@jellylight3358 Add to that: Good men spend their lives teetering on the edge of making one (or more) financial decision that takes down their families. That's pretty late in life to potentially rescue a woman from a life of bad choices, with no consequences. If anything ever happened to my wife, I would never remarry.
@@blueskies7035 I would affirm your choice, unless you could find someone with solid values, and who lived by solid principles.
This is spot on how I felt in my last romantic relationship. It's so releaving to get clarity like this, so thank you!
It's all about respect and devotion. Love Is Never Enough. Every divorce starts with love.
Boy, I sure wish relationships started with love! LOL Generally people get into relationships to have their needs met, first and foremost!
Mental illness, mostly Depression is also a major factor why relationships won't last
Unless both partners have a mental illness and understand each others needs, ups/downs, meds, etc.
I think mental illness is possibly to handle in a relationship, if you are open and still communicate and find help. I have seen even crippling mental illness be tempered by good support of a partner
@@Foundlilly11 @Mirthe Bloom - For sure what you're saying is true, It's just not likely. With 55% of healthy people in relationships going their separate ways the cards are DRASTICALLY stacked against you. The odds go over 70% for failure if you're on your second attempt at a relationship
@Much Dutch The problem is that this would work in a friendship not in a relashionship, ifg both are depressed, they may relate with each and help each other, be the ATRACTION btw each other will start depleting, and if it takes too long for then to heal, they will defo break up.
@@endryl08 Interesting view. My bf and I both have a mental illness so your words are something I will definitely thi k about.
to truely listen to each other without judgment without arguments without verbal abuse or name calling or blaming but to try to understand each others point of view and feelings = mutual empathy is the way to openness and honesty which you can find in open relationships because openness and honesty is seen as more important than infidelity so monogamy has its down side
When divorce occurs, it is the woman who initiates it 80% of the time. I think I found the answer.
Showing Respect, trust and honor to each other, making each other a priority, that's attractive. I feel as long as you keep that with each other you always be passionate for each other
Boiled down, a loss of respect--whatever the cause--nearly always sinks a relationship sooner or later. Very strong ties and help can overcome even that by rebuilding respect over time, especially in families and communities where this is expected and supported, but it is a master stroke for most.
Communication is at the heart of everything Grown adults SHOULD be able to talk openly and honestly, if they really cannot do that then maybe the time has come to split.
Esther is an Icon when it comes to analysing relationments
Oh Esther….you have excelled at explaining how I feel so clearly. No blame, no shame…I am a normal woman with normal wants, needs and desires. Thank you:)
A slow drain, erosion of the original attraction and promise of a growing relationship… It’s not a wonder that men, in general, consider sex as need fulfillment, short term, lumped in with all other ‘must haves’ to live. For all of history, until reliable contraception, women were possessions, work horses, and caregivers. Evolution of consciousness toward valuing the ‘other’, a chosen partner for however long, and not ever even thinking ‘it’s a lot of work’: that’s regressive thinking.
@@dianeorehek4633 Women were 'possession' as a way for men to guarantee they were the father of the children women bore. it was mate-guarding on the extreme. NO man wants to take care of another man's offspring! Life at its primacy is about continuing the DNA line! Women can guarantee their maternity (LOL) but they cant guarantee their provision or safety! men are expected to guarantee the safety & provision! But men want certainty in paternity! its sexual game, a dance, and both sides are trying to gain the upper hand. You also leave out the very real tendency of men to compartmentalize! Women may be thinking about relational things frequently while they deal with other things, but men tend to not do this in practice. Men compartmentalize so they can give the most energy to whatever the task at hand. Women struggle to grasp that at an emotional level.
If it sounds like a lot of work it means you need to do a self check on your feelings. If you have already lost the interest and the love for your partner, it will sound like a lot of work and it actually will be. Do it before you are there, before it is too late.
Yes, at some stage there is a point of no return.
I have seen these signs in my relationship, but the connection I had with this man is incredible. Even though I am in pain, I broke it off last night. I am going to have to write love is a verb on my wall so it will remind me, that actions are much louder than words.
Whenever I've had friends who are going to get married and ask advice, I always told them to remember to always treat their partner as if they're still dating.
Keep in mind that relationships evolve. There are things swimming around in your blood in an early relationship that are not there, down the line. Conversely, you build a powerful history together over time that cannot be imitated in an early relationship.
@@blueskies7035 Yes, I have been married for 40 yrs. What I meant by my comment is to treat one another with the same respect by listening to and honoring eachother as individuals. That's something people sometimes forget after being a couple for awhile.
Esther is a relationship genius ☀️
What is her last name?
@@someawsomeguy100 she is Esther Perel
@@jeanne-miriamkirsten1677 Thanks very much!
While she is formidable, she also stands on the backs of giants! Read some John Gottman (if you havent before) he brings the science to back up Esther Perel's philosophy.
Beautifully said…this was one of best 23 mins of my life. I appreciate you very much for this. 🥰
Guys , best to stay single and have to deal with relationship bs
@@cinnaco No shit! I enjoy philandering around fuck relationships!
How are you doin;)
@@cinnaco then stay single lol
@@cinnaco Men that are married live for longer.
Resentment is the killer. Everyone thinks the other is supposed to know exactly how they feel and should know exactly what to do or say . They don’t ever question what the other person may be going through and only think of their own needs. Relationship are work and no one want to work for it anymore when all you got to do is get divorced, take half and move in with the boyfriend you’ve already been seeing behind they’re back anyway. Take care of number one and learn to love and respect yourself . 👍
Your so correct thank you for knowledge, and passion to help others ♥️🌹