Love Expert Reveals The BIGGEST Reasons Relationships FAIL
2024 ж. 11 Мам.
178 870 Рет қаралды
Alain De Botton, a renowned love expert, reveals the biggest reasons relationships do not work out
📚 You can purchase Alain’s most recent book, ‘A Therapeutic Journey: Lessons from the School of Life’, here: amzn.to/4aFi9fd
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• The Love Expert: The R...
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Check out the full episode here ➡kzhead.info/sun/oq1wctx6haJnqH0/bejne.html
“We’re not free to love just anyone, we love in tracks laid down for us by our childhoods” Couldn’t be put any more nicely 👌🏻
Meaning?.... Im guessing - We are shaped by our childhood and the choices we make to choosing a partner is based on our childhood experiences?
@@lavatr8322 correct, with all the fairy tales and love stories we’ve been spoon-fed in our first 10-15 years of life, we expect certain behaviors and reactions from those close to us that match the tracks mentioned. Dealing with the resulting disappointments is how we learn how to love in a healthier way.
@@OtubeShalhoub Can movies or internet content nowadays have that effect... I've been watching some videos, because apparantly I have a crush on a girl OR I THINK I have.... And I'm looking for her signs n Shite! Idk if woman giving "signs" is a thing🤔
@@lavatr8322 of course they could It all depends on how “romantic” the viewer is Signs… i’m not the love expert lol
@@OtubeShalhoub exactly those _look for women giving signs got me to this Video 😂
I've said this countless times in relationships.. I'M NOT A MIND READER!!! I am BIG on communication and having the hard conversations to resolve problems.. and with maturity Ive also learned its not what you say, but how you say it.. I "LOVE" the idea of learning Love as a skill instead of a fleeting emotion 🫶🏿 the world needs more true love!
But it's interesting when people listen to music or use the "nonlocal focus" of meditation, in this case, they somehow pick up the "vibe" of the room, and they just ride the "vibe", because the brain stops analyzing everything, so the heart chakra has the opportunity to tune in, or they are in the flow state. our body does it automatically when hearing calming music with a certain frequency they somehow pick up the energy with their heart, because the heart isn't logical.... yet the heart isn't even argumentative but very loving and patient. :) we just need to pick up the frequency of people tune into it, and enjoy the flow. :)
If young kids will be bombarded for whole week by TV commercials, then it's normal they to learn a reactive behavior, because their brain learned reactive behavior from the culture and television commercials and shots. not thinking consciously, but just reacting and expecting everybody to read their mind. How do these tv commercials look like? They are very short 25 seconds , they have 358 pictures in one minute so you don't know where to put your attention while watching the commercial, and the music is so loud and fast that it makes you react fast. it doesn't teach you to think consciously and calmly and mindfully with empathy and gratitude.. When you go to nature for a walk, you feel relaxed , more in touch with yourself, your true emotions, you feel happier and healthier.
Agree fully.
@@alaalfa8839They need to be a vibrational match though.
Wait Love is a Skill? How many skills do I have to learn ... I think communication is a skill
This guy is a true wordsmith and can explain things better than most. From my experience, if you let go of the idea of romanticism and start to approach your relationship with the belief that love is a skill to be learned, your relationship improves by every conceivable measure, or you truly realise that you are not compatible.
I don’t know why we don’t see Alain more often in popular podcasts. He is so knowledgeable.
Yes the sulking piece and mind reading piece is a big one. It’s one of the most annoying expectations we have as humans to assume everyone around us should know what’s wrong without actually being told. I grew up always immediately blocking or turning away because of ptsd.. fight or flight and avoid conflict. But I’ve always been big on saying how I feel most times before I do so. These days most people grow up in abusive or disjointed households. If every high schooler or junior higher got counselling and life skill help and training on communication. World would be a different place.
My favourite thing at the moment is the concept of, is it love or attachment? Love ❤️ is for the happiness of others, attachment is for the self and ego. We are attached to the people we love but to check the motivation
Brilliant explanation of love as a skill that needs to be studied and honed!
Wow, this man is a wonderful teacher! Listening to his explanation of romantics you can only think: how disconnected from reality were these dreamers? Their expectations are simply impossible and can only set you up for disappointment.
Watch the Davina McCall interview 👍
He’s got a good channel. School of life I think? Covers a lot of interesting topics that, some you might disagree with, are mostly worth a watch/listen
@@ARZiehm absolutely 👍
wonderful interview! Thanks for sharing. When my husband (36 years and counting...) received marriage guidance from our local priest, the very first thing he told us was to keep communicating, because we cannot read each others' minds.
I love Alain de Bottom! His work in School of Life is amazing.
I'm under the feeling the expectation of mind reading might come from childhood/motherhood. It's an expected skill to be a mindreader since your babies, toddlers and children cannot efficiently put feelings into words. But your partner is not your mum nor dad. My experience is that it is often women who expect men to do the mind reading and it is often women who have the better mind-reading skills, hence why I'm gendering it to motherhood.
How well addressed and spoken about this complex nature of us with such clarity and compassion. Love this episode!
Last portion had me in tears😭 Like the catharsis that arrives from a revelatory dream 😢 Deep and powerful stuff👏👏👏 life-changing ❤
Always enjoy listening to Alain de Botton. Thanks
This was such a refreshing reminder of what my great professor discussed in development psych I always enjoy these convos ❤
Beautiful. We still have to live it to learn it. You can learn all you want about psychology, childhood in different family set ups, destructive behavioural patterns, etc, etc. All theory. That alone won't prevent you from facing real issues because life is complicated and we are not programmable robots. Brace yourselves for real life with all it offers ❤
True laughter is authentic.
Magnetic dialogue. Fantastic.
Really brilliant and perfectly said 💞
Very interesting, such a thoughtful perspective.💗
He's got the most distinct voice!
now i’m in tears, thanks guys 👍🏾
One of the best channels on here,thank you Stephen Bartlett ,Your the Next Michael Parkinson in my eyes…Wish you greatness 🙏
I've met so many women who do this. You have a conflict and they either explode or shut down. Whenever there's a conflict you wonder if this is the end of the relationship. Looking at it now it's really childish behavior.
The last piece about past "craziness" is brilliant.
Absolutely brilliant! I knew there was a reason why I never believed in love at first sight!
Righttt!😊
There is always dichotomy and sometimes we get the perfect love where you get your soul partner. My wife and I can communicate without words because we pay attention to each other. We are not perfect but secretly she is perfect for me. Don't tell her, she is to humble to accept she is the best part. ❤
That’s really sweet. I love hearing the success stories
Alaines books and school of life Channel is great!!🎉
This is so important
Really good thank you.
Excellent points to ponder upon
It's like I'm listening to his channel School of Life.. I'm happy he's guest here.
Great guest! 👏👏👏
Omg within one minute I love this man!! 😂🎉
I enjoy this man. His calm energy and intonation,approachable and sensible. 🤍
I believe he is behind The School of Life youtube channel
@@dabadah86 :-) Thank you
Honestly, he is
Very well said 😊
Sounds so much like the voice and words of “The School of life” channel 😊 which is magnificent!
Same guy!
It's the same guy! Thomas Riddle!
I enjoyed this podcast it made sense..
WOW I RECOGNIZE HIS VOICE FROM HIS VIDEO S I didn't even know it was the same guy wow, lovely voice
Lots to think about there 😊
This was mind blowing
Alain de Botton is wonderful. Can you please put up the whole interview with him 🙏
The whole interview is on his other channel
👌👌👌such wise words
This is mind blowing information & now I can forgive myself 😭 for finding it hard to connect. But, I find it easy to connect with my children??????🇿🇦
you pay attentionto your chilfren , not your partner.
If you assume always the best of your partner, that does not make you romantic, that makes you intelligent. Communication and conversation becomes secondary.
Brilliant.
Oh my gosh, I knew I recognized his voice!!! ❤
I just subscribed 😊
It's not something to cry over right It's just Alain's another video not drama but when heard the closing para I'm started crying
Whilst I agree but sometimes you tell them and their view is totally different so i stop because they will not back down so its easier , as i also feel I am correct , to just say nothing?
Humans barely know ourselves. We absolutely do not have the capacity to read other humans. Just loud and wrong all the time lol
I like DOAC but honestly, Alain de Botton isn’t just a „love expert“. He wrote many bestsellers and made The School of Life - one of the best yt channels out there about culture, relationships, mental health or philosophy…and probably even more stuff I am just not aware of.
"thank you younger self. i got it now"
My husband left me for a 23 yo barmaid. I thought everything was fine, no arguments no fighting. He obviously was unhappy but never once told me. Therefore I had no chance to change or do anything to help the situation
That’s traumatising.
@@Lumpyspaceranger more than you can imagine
No arguments and no fighting doesn't tell me that the relationship was good, it just tells me that your relationship didn't have any space where either of you could safely bring up the issues that could potentially harm your relationship. Relationships need to have that space. Of course, this doesn't mean you did anything wrong, he made the choice he made, it's just unfortunate that things went this way, but you live and learn.
@@Bambim8 yes I understand your point . What I did wrong was not seeing things as they really were and putting my husband on a pedestal. Obviously it was me that got crushed when he fell off but one lives and learns and that will never happen to me again . Thanks for taking the time to respond To my comment. It’s interesting to see the perspective of others
@Bambim8 your just parroting what the speaker in the video is saying but in truth there are many possibilities as to why he may have left for a 23yr old bar maid.
Finally I can put a face to that voice ,legend voice from his KZhead videos
this voice ... the school of life
💜Alain is spot on 💜
What about when you try talking to a person and they attack you for trying to talk and saying they are not your source of security and that your crazy and you need help? Me trying to talk and understand what someone wants from life and me does not mean they are my source of security and that I’m nuts. It’s really sick to react like that. I’m not asking my partner to manage my emotions although I do believe it’s natural and healthy to comfort someone crying. It’s nasty to just sit there and ignore and turn you back that’s ugly
I adore this man The school of life I just love listening to his voice very soothing. I love that channel!
School of Thought. ❤
very thoughtful and intelligent conversation!!
I raed many books of Alan de boton… the last pne couples workbook made me fight with my boyfriend many times, he kind of puts always in a dark negative perspective… im sorry the book wasn’t help at all, we had to stop to read together because made only less valuable and ugly … now… expert .. I wouldn’t call him like that…
Excellent points and suggestions, but should we assume that De Botton is not including here truly disastrous, abusive, or just fundamentally incompatible relationships?
Probably. A lot of us are avoidant in attachment style so they could do everything right and still we push them away
100% yes! Thank you for saying this. While in my abusive marriage, I read book after book about being a better wife and fixing our marriage but of course it was IMPOSSIBLE.
Remember this is a clip out of an hour interview. School of Life covers these nuances. Steven made a clip of an hour interview.
No. I would offer that this is precisely what he has discussed here - being that for the most part, in modern western culture, one 'chooses' a partner through a lens that is informed by one's own model of what they believe an intimate relationship or partner 'looks' like; And that model is (generally) informed by the family system (and what a child is taught about themselves, their worth, their capacity to receive and/or give love, and what 'conditions' were associated with that 'transaction'), and if not augmented or re-modelled in adulthood with new information (prior to entering a relationship), then elements of adult relationships (all or some) will be a reflection of one's early developmental models of such. All versions of 'attachment', as Bowlby et al proposed, are 'learned' and imbibed during infancy (potentially even via genetics), and then (whether consciously or not) are 'acted out' in one's adult life. Again, self analysis, family analysis, and self-awareness raising, prior to entering an intimate relationship if at all possible - (all themes that Alain touches on here) - are all options available to avoid fundamental incompatibility and immense pain... (despite being the least trodden path in modern culture... which returns full circle to the reason for the discussion in the first instance - i.e., that western society/culture adopts a near-ubiquitous belief in 'love' as some ethereal, mystical thing, which it is not. It is simply a mutual agreement between the participants (of a relationship) to invest in creating and'receiving' a particular flavour of neurochemistry that impacts the mental & physical 'state' of said participants in unique ways. The brain is simply doing one its most basic tasks in seeking out situations and environments that replicate, as a downstream effect, a neurochemical 'state' of somewhat 'comfort', even if by some social measure that 'comfort' is painful, unhealthy or otherwise very unlike what love 'should' look like).
@@leigh7507 When people do meditations such as Dr. Joe Dispenza's meditations, they probably tune into the potential of future and future self, where you create a new self, or new views about yourself your potential, and your creativity. Dr. Joe Dispenza explains we are not linear beings living linear life. We are dimensional beings living dimensional life. But people as the thinkers say "we rarely change our personality and habits, because the family members and friends are used to our personality, or they are mirroring the same personality, therefore some of them experience great shock and disgust if you change your personality completely....... because if they are not open-minded and free thinkers they will feel very confused or upset that you changed for the better, that you are calmer, less triggered, less opinionated, but more mindful and respectful because they don't know how to speak to you, they may even think you are sick, or that you joined some cult, etc. but the thing is you just upgraded yourself and your personality for a healthier you, and for a healthier future. But some people will enjoy your new personality, which is full of calmness and joy, and humor, because it is easier to spend time in your presence and positive energy. Meditation has all the power to upgrade the neuron network of your brain, and to learn new hobbies that you didn't even know its possible because you were thinking you are not capable of learning some stuff. Meditation creates new beliefs about yourself, because meditation reprograms your old program of mind and beliefs that someone put into your mind, that worked for you before but no longer work for you because you dream about up-grading yourself and your life. On Dr. Joe Dispenza was some of his students a man whos jaw and teeth regenerated started growing because he changed his personality from angry to calm and happy and by practicing the meditations. And because he didnt put his mental power away to please the world, and politics, but to make himself happy, and healthy which actually inspires other people to do the same.
The James Hoffmann of love.
I always thought hogwarts painted Voldemort in a negative light but here we can see he's just as human as the rest of us, Such brilliance.
😂
💀
bro went for it
😂😂😂😂😂😂
If I ever meet Alain in person, I have to tell him that romantic love is indeed possible...
I met him twice. The first time was one of his talkes 'on love' where he ended up proposing to me after I asked him the last question during the Q&A. It was beautiful 😊😂
What about when you do try to speak but they only hear their terms. And repeat them whenever you try to discuss mutual goals. Bad choices are made. BUt in the long run i believe God puts us in relationships we can learn from. Even a stubborn sole may be a good christian raised by a preacher and can teach you much. And you teach him much about health because you are a nurse. Life finds some balance even though it may not be a lifetime and only a close friendship. God us always teaching us if you realize the positive part of our experiences!
You can't make someone care about you. It's the choice they have to make themselves. And if they don't listen - they don't care.
His voice. Boom. School of life......
When my patents dated they didn't speak much and stayed together for the rest of their life. Yapping aimlessly tells me people are shallow and empty or arrogant. So verbal diarrhoea is a red flag for me definitely. I don't think there is one reason for breakups. Lack of sincerity is just one of them. Or I misunderstood the gentleman.
😊 So is this a movie or a documentary?
This should be mandatory teaching in a school. It could save future generations from potential disaster: social networks, tinder, rising mental health issues.
Fantastic suggestion! I'm always amazed people claim this is solely the parents responsibility. Yet most parents have also never learned this so how are they going to teach it?
Omg thats so weird that guy actually described very accurately my childhood
Aha 🎯 ❤
'Repeat better... ' I like this pragmatism.
I love ADB
This guy was in the movie men in black right ?
W0W!💕✨
I agree with the communication aspect , instead of expectations and _"understand me"_ _"He should approach me"_ "give me attention" In the gym I see this girl everyday and we never talk, its been 2months .... she just stares at me from a distance. And when i catch her gaze , she gets startled. This crushing on someone is the most exhausting shiet ever. At this point im starting to think im ugly and she's looking at 'how is that creature even possible'. Also idk even if i should say hello or something
Oh mang (hear it in Scarface’s/Tony Montana’s voice). Life is painfully too short. If...*you* care enough about how she looks or about how she may be crushing on your appearance or general way, and you don’t mind her not making an actual initiative by this point (nothing inherently wrong with that if you did mind it), because it’s on your mind clearly - it’s time for you to go with your feelings on what to approach her with in saying. Period. The end. Or to be continued. Or else this dynamic you described will continue into sameness. Low key agonizing and annoying.
@@saintjabroni the issue is gym is a vulnerable space. And also idk what to ask. For dudes, we high five and we're like instant friends... But guess I'll stop overthinking and just say "hi"
he kinda looks like matt rife 🧍🏻♀️
I recognize this voice 😊
I hope I never psychologically heal to such a degree that my partner would have to seek misery elsewhere!
Alain promotes promiscuity and open relationships as "the authentic form of love" in his writings from his school of "life". So take everything he says with a HUGE grain of salt 😊
Ya I knew something was off about him tbh in this video all he did was a bunch of blabbing and I will be not watching him anymore..
@@kenyarodriguez3853 used to be a regular visitor of his schools until he started spouting this bs in his writings and lectures.. Quite sad. Especially if you look at his personal relationships lol
Wow really.
You just saw right through him didn’t you🧂Nice idiom.
While he might claim that, he didn't mention it in this clip. Does it discredit his claim that the art of loving is a skill worth practicing and studying (Covey said the exact same thing in the 7 habits btw)? Does it discredit his claim that our childhood behavior might impact our choice of our partners and that this is also something to investigate?
Love is a verb
WOW
He sounds like the voiceover of School of Life, am I the only one notices?
❤
Nowadays everybody is traumatized then falling in love is finding your therapist! In case there's no trauma, what is love really?
Wow you guys sound almost exactly the same
Simpler explanation why most relationships fail : the innate nature of women and men. It's Hypergamy vs Polygamy respectively. Theory, will only work long term is a non hypergamous woman meeting a non polygamistic man. or hypergamy and polygamy conditions are satisfied.
I would never get married in Vegas. And I believe in report. You can't have that without time.
3:18 Dr K of Healthy Gamers game had a whole thing about Confessions, and how confessions are something tied to sin and guilt in western cultures and should NEVER be the mindset you approach other people with.
❤ .
Yes Daddy...
Adultery is a tragedy
What if you have actually told them in words but still they forget and then you sulk because they couldn't care to remember
“They couldn't care”. Find someone who does.
3:30
Wait whaaat this is way too many realisations at once that i stopped the video 😂 ugh i hate some movies they just with time we think thats what it really is when we know it isnt but like repetitive watching rom-com or drama or any kind of movie will change your thinking 😅
milady defaults to attacking every single tiny thing she can find - 'why is that tiny piece of paper on the floor!?' - she wants to trigger an argument that she will always win cos she changes the rules as we go along - so I've learned to just ignore it and stay silent. If she really insults me I tell her to STFU - she goes silent for a while - then forgets and we're good again.
Wouldn't you rather skip all that?
This...phew😮
Love is a waste of time. Today's relationships are materialistic. Stay single stay happy.
My relationship with myself is materialistic lol
@@Bambim8 Its your opinion and we respect it. 😊🙏