Growing Up in Survival Mode Makes It Hard to See Choices
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People who grew up poor want the same good things in life as anyone else, but if you grew up with parents who were dysfunctional or neglectful, you may not have been shown how a person can use their talents to earn a decent living. Left to figure out everything by yourself, you may have ended up with poverty thinking, hoping a lottery ticket or lawsuit would finally take away the financial strain in your life, instead of learning skills and meeting people who might help you find fulfilling work that supports you. In this video I respond to a letter from a woman who has reached for a better life for years, but now feels stuck with children and a job that keeps her from the work she loves.
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Omg yesss!!! This is one of my biggest complaints. My parents separated when I was young and we grew up pretty poor with a single mother. It seemed like everyone told me what I HAD to do with my life but never taught me HOW to do anything to achieve those goals. I failed at almost everything I tried, and as soon as I blindly tried and wasn’t perfect my parents would scold me and put me down. Eventually making me feel like what’s the point in trying if I don’t learn more first. I kept waiting for some magical age when I would have this wisdom on how to do everything needed to be a successful adult. How to take out a loan and buy a house, how to buy a car, how to manage debt , how to buy insurance, how to get a job, understanding benefits from your job, understanding your retirement plan or 401k etc. etc. 😰😰
My story too
@@dnk1870 I entered my 20s as a functional stoner. It became a way for me to comfortably dissociate. Now 15 years later it’s a necessity to dissociate and feel “normal”. And while I have learned a lot in the last 15-17 years, I still only feel as prepared as I should have been at 17.
I dropped out of college too, basically for the same reasons… I never thought I would be able to afford college so I never really tried very hard in High School unless I enjoyed the subject. Then suddenly my senior year my mom forced me to apply to a large university that I was completely unprepared for. I was able to narrowly get in, with some letters of recommendation and good test scores. But then I was pressured to take as many credits as possible in order to maximize the financial aid I would receive. Ended up being totally overwhelmed and failing half my classes from having an overloaded schedule. Dropped out halfway through the first year. However, in retrospect I’m glad I didn’t finish college. I didn’t need it and I’m really glad I didn’t sink myself into massive debt to find that out.
😢. I didn't realize.
OMG all of this. I especially loved being repeatedly blamed for my failures by the people who did jack squat to guide me. hahahah
Too busy surviving, to think of the future :(
I hope this rough time gets easier for you. Hang in there!
Just hang in there and keep on keeping on 💓
It is way more common than what people think
I can relate ..
Sometimes we have to do what we have to for the time being. And later do other things. Too bad some people do not understand that.
This quote nailed it for me: “I wasn’t raised to know that.” That said so much to me, it put words to a void.
The notion of future was something unatainable or uncontrolable for me. Being always in survival mode because of money and abuse got me used to letting go, not thinking about what I wanted or liked doing and not keeping a grip on those things. Letting go of art, letting go of poetry, letting do of sewing etc. Many gifts and dreams were neglected.... Thank you Fairy for helping!
May 2024 be the year you sew again and make art again. See if you can find the sewlo woman who makes historic costumes, she does cool work.
Please allow your creativity and art into your life. I did the same and had to actively give myself to be creative. It helps a lot although it doesn't resolve any of my challenges and restrictions. But I get to allow beauty into my life, and from there friendships, well-feeling, presents, a sense of accomplishment, something to look forward to when dealing with other issues. May 2024 be your year of growing into yourself, the person you are meant to be!
This 100% Thank you for putting that into words!! 🙌🏼
I can relate to this.
@@jasonfitzpatrick414 thank you for the good wishes! I really enjoy searching for sewing content. I wish you keep in touch with yourself as well👍
I didn't learn this lesson until my 30's. I was always learning, reading, absorbing. But the tools to succeed? The encouragement? Nah, very little. But I sincerely appreciate and remember every. single. person. that DID encourage me. ❤️🌹
Yes. I remember them too.
Same ❤ so many people along the way in small and sometimes bigger ways. It wasn't the people who "should of" but it's good to notice the people who try and do encourage and support
That's what I do. I learn and learn as much about everything I can, hoping that I'll finally know enough to be enough for my parents to be proud of me. They've each been dead for years and I still do it. I'm in a loop.
The only guidance we had was “You can be whatever you want”. and then it was like Now go away. If you mentioned wanting to try anything you got……….no, that’s not for you.
Omg we had the same parents.
It's not even a lack of financial stability, it's a lack of emotional stability. I think they are interchangeable because the outcome is the same - reaching adulthood and living in constant survival mode with no real sense of security. Both are worse. My parents were so caught up in their rocky, utterly dysfunctional relationship or lack of it and regrets over it that our well-being was kind of forgotten and I never even got a sit down talk on choosing a viable career. Still in survival mode to this day.
Yes, you're right.
I can't stop being angry that both my traumatized addict parents thought that it would be a good idea to bring innocent children into the world into their chaos. If anyone has any tips on forgiveness please share. I made the decision not to have children and so did my brother.
@@weatherthestorm111 I am very sorry you lived a chaotic childhood. I can relate and I have a few comments to share. It sounds to me like you were expecting rational decision-making (about having children) from irrational people. You have the right, of course, to feel angry about the injustice of being put in that situation, but knowing irrational people don't make good decisions may be the starting point for forgiveness. It sounds like your parents weren't capable of making healthy decisions. How were they "traumatized?" Knowing their life experiences, and how these shaped them, may help you to develop empathy for the struggles they faced and the people they became. Hopefully, you have adapted better to life's challenges than your parents did. Consider being grateful for that. The fact that you can see things more clearly than your parents did is the place you can draw strength from to offer forgiveness. I understand your decision not to have children. I can relate. It occurred to me that I had "protected my children into nonexistence." It is sad. Not much I can do about that now. If I had the clarity I have now, but 20 years ago, I might have been able to change course on that, but I didn't. I try to make the best of where I am at presently. Faith makes a huge difference too. Please keep working toward forgiveness. It will, ultimately, help to heal your brokenness...and, potentially, theirs. Best of luck. ❤🍀🤗
@@weatherthestorm111My tip on forgiveness is to make the decision to forgive and ask God to help you. God is real and He wants to have a relationship with you. Your life will never be the same but ultimately better. In Jesus name.
Doesn't lack of money cause emotional turmoil, always in Survival Mode is highly depressing/ stressful I find.
Hang on, it gets better. This is from a 33 year USPS employee. The stability is a benefit of its own.
Is it still stable? Where I live we have a high USPS turn over. My guess is that they don’t pay enough (here) for survival and working 60-80 hours and not surviving would be a total turn off. However, I do remember as a kid people always said the post office was a great long-term career.
@@HildeAzul , I don't like the two year contract deal. I always thought that new hires should be career from the get-go. It depends where you live, but IMHO, a LOT of new hires don't understand that, A: we work outside in all kinds of weather, and B: the USPS runs 7 days a week. From what I understand from the shoppie, new hires are only going to be contract for two years, max, before they become a regular, earning a pension, and sick & vacation days. Also, you get a bump in pay, and the ability to refuse overtime, so you don't have to work overtime. In my city(Phila) the overtime has dropped drastically. I think the days of 60+ workweeks are over. In my experience, 80 hour workweeks were a function of Covid. Mileage may vary, but most of our overtime is due to call-outs and not volume now. The only exception I personally know about, are the parts of the country where Amazon does not have their own delivery system set up yet. Parcels are a little berserk in some parts of Florida, if what I am told is correct. I grew up in poverty, and have the scars to show for it. Farming is an unforgiving way to make a living. I would like to see the person mentioned in the video hang on to the USPS job, so her family can have health insurance, and mom can get sick and vacation days, and she can build toward retirement. Farm on the side, because the income is pretty awful. Joke goes: The farmer won a million dollars in the lottery. The news reporter asked him, "What are you going to do now?" The farmer answered, "I guess I'll keep farming until the money runs out." I spent much of my childhood in farming communities, and I have the greatest respect for people who can do that, but with kids in the picture, I vote for stability. Whatever the letter writer chooses to do, I wish them the best of outcomes.
I grew up dirt poor.Despite being naturally intelligent enough to be anything I wanted to be I never went to college.I couldnt sit still,I work in circles not a straight line.I couldn't sit in any kind of office environment.I ended up doing mostly minimum wage jobs.My one goal was to own land and not be beholden to a landlord.Despite all the odds against it I pulled it off and just paid off my mortgage a year ago on an old trailer and a beautiful mountain acre in a place people all over the world want to move to.What has served me is being open to opportunities and open to adjusting my expectations of what is necessary for me having a successful happy life vs what the rest of the world considers success.
She could have a teaching farm! Where groups come to the farm for field trips (schools, clubs like Boy Scouts or Girl scouts etc). She could teach them how to care for the animals and educational stuff about farming. Families even love doing trips to farms. And the people that come for her classes she can also sell her farm goods to them!
Sounds awesome
Growing up with a mom on welfare and loads of trauma in the house I get it. In my career 25 plus years with ups and downs. At 55 I started over completely, financially. Bachelors, Masters and loads of student loan debt. I live alone with a dog and super independent so I always have the drive to overcome adversity. I will be 57 next year and making great strides. Wishing Samantha the best!!!!
Forties is the BEST for us damaged folks. We must remember to not compare each other to our compatriots because they have not lived our life. I know, it's HARD to do.
Being in your 40s, you mean? Sorry but that's pretty shitty for most people.
This sounds a lot like the experience of a lot of people just coming from immigrant parents or poor parents. I went to school in an expensive town, went to a good university. I never knew people got tutors in the summer in high school, never knew being an A student in university isn't enough, didn't know about informational interviews until I was 35. This is really common.
This is why so many people graduated from college and felt scammed too. It's partly the colleges that sold the dream and the parents who bought into it and pushed it onto their kids.
I’m googling informational interviews at the moment. Didn’t know it was a thing
this hit home so hard. the experience my brother and I had was completely different. we had the same parents but our father shaped and moulded him , and gave him the guidance and tools to have a successful adult life, financially etc. Unfortunately I wasn't treated in the same manor, I wasn't taught any of those crucial skills and I instead severely abused especially during the most important developmental years of early childhood. I was robbed honestly, I struggle so hard for everything in my life and often think about this very thing on a daily basis. I am in my 40's and I feel like I have been "left behind" compared to my age group. my brother is two years older than me but he struggles to understand why I've had such a difficult experience within my life. I feel like I have so much to give the world but in many ways I've fallen short due to the trauma and survival mode.
I completely understand this, and I deeply empathize. I had the same kind of background and struggle every day to feel functional with the rest of the world. Wishing you peace and joy, and the love to know you are enough. ❤
I absolutely understand that feeling of being left behind. For me, it's not just a feeling. It is the reality of a life standing still, stagnant. I live it in my waking hours, and I have nightmares of it, returning to my old college apartment again or working for my first awful boss in my dreams.
I am a "farm wife". I garden to provide food, preserve food, cook all of our meals, take care of our chickens and my rescue horses and handle the bills, cleaning, snow removal etc. It's wonderful but very different from farming for a living. My husband lived his dream farming for a living for 10 years, but due to increased costs had to start working outside of the farm and is happy doing so. My point is there's a difference between owning a farm and enjoying a certain level of personal farming, and farming to make a living. Completely different but possible! I'm proof at 56 years old. I used to work 16 hours days when I was forty. Patience has paid off 💖
This is wonderful. I hope our friend hears it!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairyI am rooting for them 💖😍🤩!
Thank you!
This is so amazing!!!! congratulations! my grandpa was working on a farm even in his 60s until the pandemic! I hope the person writing in feels some hope :)
Yes, just realizing that for most part, I lived life just a day at a time. Now, Im a poor widow, my grown children are estranged from me. Not sure why. Im independent & healthy, I do not bother my children or expect them to care for me. I too had no life goals beyond being married to an Army officer who I helped educate and raising my 3 children. All 3 are very successful and productive members of society. 1st husband had many affairs, was also a manchild who played games and did reenactments. I eventually divorced him. My second husband died because of Vietnam/ AgentOrange. I had cared for him and also for my mother. So, here I am, elderly and alone. My youngest daughter is a Narcissist who turned older children against me, telling them lies. I will be 70 in coming year. I am alone now and am re- inventing myself, again, It is scary...
I completely relate. I prefer to be independent even in just surviving rather than striving.
My heart goes out to you❤ Wishing you strength and hope
Wanting a farm is like wanting a pleasure boat. You can live on it but it’s going to cost you loads to hold onto.
A stable postal job (great benefits) is nothing to be ashamed of or regretful about. The feelings of continual insecurity, when you are raised in poverty and insecurity, are challenging but do not have to define you as an adult. You sound as if you are living a healthy, productive, intentional life, Anna! Your children are blessed to see an example of such a dedicated and hardworking mother! 👏
I can relate to Samantha! I had similar family and similar experiences. Go to college, go to college...yet I had NO guidance on how to do that. Many years passed, along with a variety of jobs. Decided at the age of 40 to go back to school to be a nurse, which is a far cry from the commercial art I wanted to go to college for in my high school years. Ended up have to leave nursing school due to a major life changing event. Long story short, I'm 50 now. I bought a farm almost 900 miles from where I grew up/lived all my life. I work the farm, and I have a small online business that is non-farm related. I LOVE my farm, and I wouldn't trade it for the world. With that said, it is A LOT of work. A LOT of trial and error. And its not very profitable...which is why I work an online business. Life is good now, but it was a very long, rocky, and difficult road to get here. Appreciate your journey because it will make arriving at your destination much more sweeter.
My childhood was so weird. My family owned several fully paid for apartment buildings. Despite this, we had no food, dental or medical care. All I ever heard was how poor we were. It wasn't until I eas older that I realized we wearnt poor at all. I didn't get to eat at home or even at school because I did not qualify for free lunch. Finally I ran away and would get food that people left on outdoor restaurant tables. I still struggle. Just lost my job last month. Back to zero again. Back to being hungry. Its just so rediculous.
Just get a fun job around people. Restaurant job. That's what I do. Not much money I may have to move on or take another position but fun place and I leave work at work. Some good people and a few slackers but the social network is fun. It might help you for a while, then make a plan and take small steps to go after dreams. Good luck to you.
🤍
@@jasonfitzpatrick414 thanks. I was working as a CNA in a house with psychiatric patients and girls who had committed violence crimes that could not be in the general public. A restaurant would be a nice break!
Hugs. So sorry to hear of this neglect and deceit. Sounds as though you have been resourceful in surviving. Good for you. 😊Many towns have food pantries and shelters, so I hope that you can avail yourself of these resources. That CNA job sounds like it was a tough gig. Perhaps you can use your certification to get a job at a facility that is less stressful? Yes, a restaurant gig might be a nice change. Anyway, just reaching out to say hi and hang in there. You have the inner strength needed to keep pushing forward and building a good life for yourself. May God bless you and give you His peace. ❤😻
I was nuts, I see it now and I'm working on healing from that way of life.
I wish I didn’t choose to watch this. I’m more depressed. I’m 60 and have had many do overs in life. Even the two things that I stuck with didn’t work out. Looking back it only ate up time. I hurt my back at work and it’s severely limiting my choices even if I decided to start over again. I don’t wish work comp on anyone, it’s horrible. They like to not pay people. I guess it’s plan b for me as far as doing what I would love to do. I really thought that I had what it took to do what I wanted. Everything you said about planting the seed and nurturing it etc doesn’t always grow what you want it to. What I focus on now is brushing up on admin skills to MAYBE land a sit down job because that’s what my back can tolerate-if it tolerates it-and live the rest of my life that is dictated by what my body can or cannot do. What I can say I’ve learned the last year is, is that I don’t fear death. I have no clue what life is for and hopefully I will find out from the viewpoint of the other side. Not everyone ‘wins’ here.
You only win with Jesus even if you are rich.
@@debbiewilder4738unhelpful, just leave.
good luck farming, it's very rewarding emotionally not so much financially. I grew up a substance farmer, we lived on the crops and animals we had. we were so poor we did gleaning, we picked dumpsters behind grocery stores and ate that or gave the horrible stuff to our animals. no phone, often no electricity, only a woodstove for heat, our house was a remodeled clam shucking shack. lots of abuse, alcoholism , poverty. The newer models for farms like farm share, and local food co-ops, Saturday markets, reko rings keep money close to home, building direct connections to the people who eat your food builds loyalty. Definitely connect with other farmers, you must have mutual support. Farming is under attack by the government and big business. I now have a 80 plus acres of wildlife sanctuary in my native land and help manage a wildlife sanctuary in Texas. I went from poverty and homelessness to living my dream life, I teach bird language and tracking, nature connection and herbal medicine as well as do healing. live honestly hold to your morals, live a honorable life, that's worth more than money.
I think a lot of people get trapped in that "go to college and your future will be set" dream. A lot of our parents, who didn't go to college, didn't understand that there was more to it than that. They just saw others doing it and assumed that's all there was. That's the problem with non-successful people having kids and not raising them properly.
One of my hobbies is working on a sustainable farm. The fella set it up by asking to rehabilate a derelict farm in the community. The farm owner advertised his derelict farm on facebook. He wanted someone to regenerate the farm. The man who runs the farm doesn't pay any rent for the farm. The farm is run solely through volunteers. No one knows how to farm. We all work it out together. The farm has grown and grown and has pigs and goats, and chickens and bees. We hand farm everything, no machines, and the fella who runs it gets sponsorship now from companies like Virgin. He markets it as a community farm, which helps people with their mental health. It's called Full Circle Farms and is in East Grinstead in Surrey in England. I'm not a farmer at all. I just do it because I think it's amazing. The fella gives all of the food that grows to food banks and I love that model of volunteers growing food (seeds donated by companies for free) for free to foodbanks for people to eat for free. It makes me so happy. I don't know if any of that helps. Keep trying. xx
Oh, how lovely! I wish we had these everywhere!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Maybe your lady could make one. I couldn't run it by the way. If I'm saying something that causes anyone anxiety, but I was thinking that it's amazing that he's managed to do this. He is also connected to the doctors, so the local medical services prescribe volunteering on the farm as something that could alleviate depression. I was just wondering for your lady if she thought about it a little differently it might become possible. I hope she gets there. I'm rooting for her. x
I’m a nurse which should be a secure job but can be a toxic environment with the internal politics so I keep having to look for a better job in nursing. Never felt secure. I’ve been single all my life always supported myself financially.
Yes, I've learned that nursing has a very high proportion of people with CPTSD. Unhealed trauma make teams stressful!
I can totally relate to the aspect of never really feeling secure even though I am not in the medical field.
Try private transportation nurse.
@@Rue2love I couldn’t get a job in nursing transport.
I hear travel nursing is where it is at (if you can do that). Also, I got into nursing school actually two and moved from our small town back to the city because every school I was applying for was over here. I moved back in with my parents short term but those two months were traumatic. Nothing in particular but my parents give me severe anxiety .. SEVERE … and this is due to the way I was raised and the physical and sexual abuse of my step dad and the emotional neglect of my mom and other stuff anyways I lost myself in those two months and gave up on life for a long while. Now, with what I am seeing with ratios, pay and for profit hospital culture, and let’s not forget the pandemic, I feel like I dodged a bullet somewhat. I love caring for people thus I have regrets. Props to you for all you do!!!
Wow. I had no idea what informational interviews are. Poverty is really a whole mindset.
I too had the Crappy Childhood and grew up in poverty neglect and lack and here I am in my 60's and I still feel I always just get by but never flourish financially. I keep feeling that it has a lot to do with my CPTSD but cant figure it out. Maybe you could do a video about our limited thinking and voices in our heads that KEEP us in that small world we grew up in.
Your channel brings me SO MUCH comfort. I LOVE Crappy Childhood Fairy!
I grew up reading the Laura Ingalls Wilder books (Little House on the Prairie) and I feel that they really helped me build resilience as a child to get through the tough times. 100% recommend for all ages.
Growing up in a household where my parents had the survivor mindset, made me one. I'm easily one of the biggest wastes of immense human potential in history. And, I don't say that because I am lacking in confidence. I have an abundance of that. I'm just being realistic.
I am also so talented and could’ve done so many different things with my life, could’ve would’ve should’ve
All I mean is that I have and will mourn that loss- it’s nagging and becomes duller the more I acknowledge it. I guess it’s Shadow work (Jungian) I’m learning.. I have had so much depression in my life due to my lost potential- I’d be getting ready for retirement if it weren’t for……. I’m so sad about it, I made it my life’s goal to heal from it. So I do everything My way ( always harder and not in sequential order -even the words that pop out of my mouth can set me back. If we don’t have someone to tell us “Hey you’ll never get anywhere if you say things like that” then we’ll wonder why why why am I not getting anywhere? I’ve questioned my sanity several times, usually having no one to give me real feedback. I called a hotline once feeling near s**c1de and the nice person on the line stayed talking with me as long as I needed❤. Off topic?
@@soniafaye9919 I can definitely relate. I was blessed with all of the essential elements that can put a person in the position to have incredible success. Tall. Good-looking. Highly intelligent. Having the survivor mindset wasted all of that. Am I successful by the generally accepted standards of success? Yes. But, I should have achieved so much more.
I put myself through college. Graduated at 30. I’m 57 & recently discovered you. I’m hoping to be something sooner rather than later. 🕊
So true. I grew up hyper vigilant about home life, school was a haven for structure and safe predictability. My brothers are great at planning their lives, sadly I am not.
I want to like this 100x over. I’m a first gen child of immigrants. Currently unemployed & I’m a person with multi skills & interests & all eclectic. I realise my path is to create my own, one that hasn’t been done before. . . But also I’m trying to get a job for the stability so I can finally move out of my parents home for the first time. It’s scary, you just want someone to hold your hand & support you. An online community like this helps a little. I have my own unique story but I don’t want my life to be about the story, but a place I can have a career I enjoy, able to have my own home, a healthy marriage and family life, a social life with supportive positive friends, and to be able to give back to the world. That for me is my ultimate dream.
I was able to get out of the material and emotional poverty of my childhood, but it took a lot of time. I didn’t know how to apply for colleges and didn’t have any goals except survival so I got a late start. Things are good now, but my parents are aging and expecting my help. Although we have a distant relationship, I do want to provide some type of help in their declining years (for me, not them) but I find myself terrified that they will somehow drag me back to our former family chaos and destitution. I don’t even think that’s rational, but I can’t shake this feeling of impending doom.
Pay attention to that feeling of impending doom, it is a messenger. You did the very hard work to get out of that family system of emotional and material poverty. If your parents refuse to help themselves or just expect you to help them, how is that helpful for you? You can't help people by jumping into the quicksand with them. If you try to help them because of "shouldisms", at your own expense, this could go very bad for everyone. You're not being mean by keeping yourself and everything you worked so hard for, safe. If you are going to try to help, be very, very clear about what you can actually offer, know your limitations and stick to them, hard.
I concur with Anne. Do not Do anything that you are not ready to do. Your parents' fate is of their own doing. You are not responsible for them. If you really feel you need to help them, then maybe you can find something that does not drag you in emotionally. I am thinking of something like paying their weekly shopping for them without going to buy it yourself and bring it to them, or finding and paying for a person to look after them once a week, that helps them with home cleaning, minor repairs, dealing with their mail, an occasional lift to their doctors. Anything that does not Dragees you into their Personal and emotional Drama, from which you have Liften yourself through determination and hard work.
@@annklonl5207 Well said, those are all very good ideas, practical and not too self extending. I remember when I first tried having boundaries with toxic family members, it a was big fail.
I'm an elderly mom dealing with grown narcissistic kids. I say keep it a clean cut away from them! I don't expect them to help me with my problems, they just keep taking from me! Soon I won't have anything left to care for myself! 😕Check out Dr Sherrie Campbell's book, But It's Your Family...cutting ties with toxic family members and loving yourself.
Definitely do some volunteering at somebody else's farm and get a real feel for the life you think you want. There are NO days off on a farm, especially if you have animals. A lot of people romanticize farm life and it can be super rewarding but it is really hard, constant work. Find farmers in your area that you can learn from so that when it's more available for you to get started you will already have a support community and people to ask questions of and for help. There's a really great homesteading channel here on YT called Roots and Refuge. Jess that runs that channel has a great saying of 'turning your waiting room into your classroom'. Check her out -- she is a lovely person and has some great content. You can probably find some more channels that are in whatever your growing zone might be to give you an idea of what your year round workload might look like.
Small scale farmer here. We always need help. We may not have money to pay a farm hand, but many of us can barter. My husband and I enjoy sharing the bounty with others who share their time or talent with our farm. If a person can shift away from a money only = success mindset, the possibilities open up. A full freezer/pantry is better than money in the bank. Samantha could begin reaching out to farmers and being open to what they can teach her. It takes years- no quick money makers in this lifeatyle...but if a person enjoys the work, they it is a wonderful life to share with others.
I resonate so much with her situation. I am a 50 disabled veteran and this is a daily struggle coupled with immense shame that leads to an anxiety/shame never ending cycle.
Having more kids does not help to get out of the poverty...
"Really what you want is you want to do the kind of work you love" ... so probably not being a full-time mail carrier. When she was young, she really wanted to be a veterinarian, but her parents told her she could "never" do it. Later she loved having chickens and a garden .. so probably something to do with animals and nature.
Anna & Samantha - wow. This one hit me in thr feels. I related so much to this one, especially being the little kid who was told that her dream job (artist) was only suitable for a hobby. It's a core memory for me because I remember the feeling of my dreams utterly deflating in an instant. My mother came from poverty and was an overspender / shopper with a "come what may" attitude & I developed similar tendencies. I am 54 now (44 years later) and am in the middle of overcoming an addiction (like Samantha's dear aunt) and am also facing huge financial messes of my own making, due to under-earning & lack of planning. The good news now is that I'm sober & have the dedication to see this through. I know that I can't thrive in the corporate administrative jobs that have been my bread-and-butter since I left home at 18. I am beyond grateful to find some free therapy in Anna's work. Samantha, I am visualizing you on your land, working the soil, talking to the flowers, chatting with the chickens, and basking in the peace you deserve. ❤️ Let's do this!!
Thank you for your comment. Congratulations on your soberity! And thank you so much for the encouragement to the letter-writer. Nika@TeamFairy
I had a burnout this year and went to a clinic for 8 weeks. There I have learned a lot about my past traumas. One of them definately was growing up poor, and to fend for myself in school into higher education. My parents where seperated and my dad didnt pay my mom enough child support. He tried to get custoty of me, but not my sister, which of course made for huge family drama. On the other hand my mom was to proud to demand the money he owed, and asked my grandparents instead. She also didnt take much help from the system because she was afraid of it. My mom really had a "I can do it on my own" mentality so we kids kinda had to be independent too, while my dad was to petty/ignorant to step up. Today Id say my parents where both pretty childish in their behaviours and still are. So I had to take care of my younger sister, I cooked and cleaned and was responsible for my own education because I couldnt ask my mom for help. I developed severe impostor syndrome and due to my mental health issues (Depression and OCD) I terminated my first aprentiseship after one year. When I went out to study this was a whole new planet, I had no Idea how to get into university. Somehow I made it though. But the very first year I started my studies my grandma got cancer and my mom broke her foot. So I ended up living with both of them, taking care of everything during the day, and writing my papers in the evening hours. Also because I didnt get any financial support for my studies, I needed to take a job. For a few years that went well. When I met my husband and moved in with him we got a problem a year later when a mega-construction-side started next to our building. The noise went on every day for 12 hours, 6 days a week. So we searched for an apartment for over a year, while being absolutely mentally drained. By the time we found something I decided to terminate my studies too, because my chances of a future in the field where slim anyway (Archaeology), and we needed the money for a new apartment. So I got the chance to work at the side gig I worked during my studies. I never finised any degree and worked with a salary contract for another 4 years. I did quite a lot of different task at my job, that where not part of my contract. It was way to much while dealing with my depression and spending 2-3 hours a day with my compulsions (Washing OCD). With all of that I had 10-12 hour days. This year I just broke down, and I had serious self harm thought because i was on sick leave. My trauma is that not working your but of makes you a bad person, and worthless. So I had physical pain in the first few days because I was so stressed. After several months and the clinic I finally started to come down, but I still feel worthless. I know I am not ready to go back to work, and I filed for a rehabilitation program while also searching for a new therapist. But nothing until now. The thing is I still feel that I dont deserve to be at home now, that I dont deserve to get this rehabilitation and maybe have a chance on a new career and help from others. The impostor syndrome is just so strong. Now I am also facing my inlaws being terminally ill, and I need to take care of them too. Finally when I thought I could maybe just concentrate on my own future for once. I just dont know what to do at the moment.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I encourage you to try Daily Practice. It can help sort through things that feel confusing. You can try it free here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy
You write and express yourself so well! Obviously you are quite intelligent. You discuss being in clinic. I am a professor who teaches writing and critical thinking, had a tough childhood. Many people like you suffer because you ARE smart. I encourage you to keep writing and express your thoughts. This seems to be your gift and ability!
Ever the care giver, but never being shown how to care for yourself. I hear that loud and clear.
@@tkohearn5645 Thank you so much for your kind words. Its funny that you mention writing, because I actually picked up creative writing when I was 13 to kinda cope with my inner thoughts. It was and still is a form of therapy for me. Most of it is self-taugt though I never had any proper writing classes. But in school I loved to analyze poems and books. In times where my Depression gets overwhelming I tend to write more, and as I get older, I turn to write more about how society shapes us as individuals. As I said I studied Archaeology, but another one of my subjects was Anthropology. There I learned a lot about what my own thoughts and desires where, compared to the voice of society in Our minds. During my studies I also learned to be more open about my mental health Issues, because by doing so I saw how many other students had similar problems. I even had talks with total strangers about their psyche, just because I was open about it myself. I just think its very important to keep the dialogue going in Our society about mental health.
@@susanpendell4215 Yeah. There are so many of us. Sadly
I have a question… What exactly is “out there”? Everyone I know is either so overwhelmed in their personal life to have time to catch up; or they are completely mired in children/family at home with no time for their single friends. I’m 44, live rurally and have limited options for social interactions that are desirable to me. I want to “get out there”, but for me that looks like hanging out with a bunch of people that I have no interest in/time for, or ghosts from my past (small town) or pubs (don’t really drink and not attractive to me). It’s frustrating.
Samantha could pick one or two plants to farm. Go slowly, as in grow herbs and sell them at local markets, or seasonal veggies and sell at farmer's markets. Also work for a farmer's market and make connections. My 40's was one of my most creative prosperous decades, 40's are a power time in our lives.
I think Samantha's work here as a USPS employee is worth keeping, given that it pays well and has a pension. I also think that if she wants to get into farming, that's a great idea. Why not use the postal work to save up some money to purchase some land, and set up a hobby farm? She'll need something to do post-retirement, and a hobby farm sounds like a great idea. At least, that's what one of my former professors has found.
My grandfather carried mail for MANY years-the majority of his career. He ALSO was the most amazing gardener I’ve ever known. In his retirement he could focus all his energy on cultivating soil, planting, picking, canning, even selling his produce AND enjoy his federal employment benefits! You can do both of these occupations if you decide to. I also know a very successful doctor who is, at the same time, a cattle farmer. It’s possible to have multiple, successful pursuits.
One of the biggest realizations ive had is that i didnt have any help as a child.
I grew up roller coaster financial. The hardest truama I used to deal with was my NPD parents keep emphasize me I will never be able to support myself. It took me years to heal this hypothesis my parents engraved in my subconscious.
I don't know what State she lives in, but if her area has a 4 H club or any CSA farms she could probably volunteer or work part time at already up and running farms. And if ahe has farmers markets near her she can ask the vendors if they have jobs open maybe. It's popular in PA.
I've watched a few of your videos responding to messages and they have been riveting. I see parallels in my own journey, although the specific details might be worlds apart. There is so much pragmatism, wisdom, and guidance without judgment, in your responses to these messages. I can't help but wonder if my path would have been different if I received this sort of advice when I was starting out on my own. There must be people in their 40's, 50's, maybe even in their 60's, watching your videos and understanding their lives in a completely different way, paving the way for forgiveness and for more fulfilling lives. I can only hope you find an audience of men and women in their 20's, before all of the trial and error, setbacks, and restarts.
I have 2 daughters, 26 21, I pray for there health and and happiness.
I'm 35 but I think that I'm coping with my life like 20 yo. I have so much to learn... thanks for this video, it really resonates with me
8:38 THIS!!! This was my ex. It was so frustrating to be a stay at home mother of 6 with a husband who thought like this. I started studying from home, got connected in with the right people who could mentor me.. now, 9 years later I’m in business for myself making really good money And he’s still treading water 🙁
My mother said I was supposed to get married and have kids. Nope, I was the oldest of 8, so never wanted them. I didn't want to be like my mother. She told my brothers about college. I figured it out after 2 years. Went to college. Graduated. Didn't get a job, as a pastor, because I was a woman. Went back and got my LVN. Did that, with some breaks, for 17 years. Was injured. Decided to go back to school and got my Master's in Social Work. I worked for Children's Services. I loved it. Now am 68, and take care of my dad who is 92. I still help many people on-line. And now have been inspired by Robert F Kennedy Jr! I am hoping to work on that campaign. Doing the DP has helped me explore new options. I am so thankful for it.
I looked for a secure career rather than trying to find something I loved doing... because all aspects of my childhood were without security.
"Don't give up... 40 is a good age.. now you have your wisdom... I want you to do this ."😊❤ love the fairy..
Fuck wisdom, I'd rather have youth. Same as ~100% of the rest of the human species.
Wow, you have no idea how much your channel has opened my eyes as to why my life has unfolded the way it has. I was abused as a child into my adult life - so double PTSD! And to add insult to injury, the people who were suppose to love, nurture and guide me gave up on me. This video hits home! Several years ago, I got into drugs thinking that would improve things but as we all know, it was only the beginning of more problems. Happy to say, I have been sober for almost 19 years. I will be 62 in a few months. And my life has been on survival mode. No savings - nothing. I continue to work to support myself which means just picking up any work that holds no meaning to me - to support myself. I will be retiring in a few months but plan to continue working part-time to help make ends meet. There's so much to work on about me: emotionally and mentally. I look forward to healing and start living a life that I deserve. I shall be tuning in to all the life lessons that you offer on your channel. Thank you for what you do.
You've been through a real battle. Congratulations on your sobriety, this is a huge achievement. Keep up the great work, we're rooting for you! Nika@TeamFairy
Does anyone just feel numb like connecting or being around ppl is pointless and being humiliated
Thank you, can’t seem to get a job in what I studied either. Not a quick fix necessarily but long term catastrophic consequences that stir my self sabotage to create some sense of stability. Ugh Lots of therapy, acceptance and love.
My dad was a narcissist, and both my parents were raised in extreme poverty during the Depression. My mom remembers living in anandoned chicken houses. I'm in my 50's and Ive never been able to get out of poverty. I went to college, but nobody would help me or guide me about getting a career going. I realize now how I learned a lot beliefs about money that have worked against me. The belief that i dont deserve money or to go "beyond" my parents, lack of encouragement and support, and the lack of role models have really held me back. I have a lot of fear about eventually ending up homeless if i dont find a way to get out of poverty.
Same boat for me. My college degree is not used. I'm seeing many older people just working and not getting anywhere, it is not like TV at all. I'm pretty worried about the future too. I see that I need 115000 a year now to buy a home, that ain't happening. I may have to abandon the United States to enjoy my life.
@@jasonfitzpatrick414 yes unfortunately that’s part of it. Many people have to leave the USA or deal with the consequences of being impoverished in old age. Leaving the US is scary however the consequences of staying in a system that has high cost of living and a threadbare social system is even more frightening!
Reminds me of Jude the Obscure by Thomas Hardy - "I am an outsider to the end of my days!"
I love Thomas Hardy but have never heard of Jude the Obscure. Now I have to find it! So thanks for sharing!
@@Shines-On It's pretty miserable, like a lot of Hardy, but, well, it's Hardy!
Very true! I have to consciously remind myself that I have options, even if it doesn't seem like it.
I've always felt at war with time and have no faith in time passing. there's nothing but this moment. It makes building things very difficult.
Wisdom seems to come too late.
It takes a lot of experience, that's for sure!
As a mom, that wisdom can't be passed down. Wisdom comes only from _experience_ - and it's painful watching people learn the same lessons over and over
Wow. I remember all the advice i received when my daughter was younger. The advice sounded good, but i just couldn't understand how to do it.
Yeah. I get it.
Her father sounds like he has ADHD....no common sense, inventions, no concept how to sustain money, video games hyper-focusing(dopamine!!), war re-enactions(dopamine!).......a night owl..OMG the man should go get ADHD assessment! Medication and awareness changed my life. He IS immobilised. His brain is. This leads to lower back illness for years. Inward stress. He can be helped. He is depressed because he doesn't know why his brain won't listen to him and stop procrastinating. BUT we're NOT a Mental Health-those are just add-ons. Medication + CBT + Nutrition + Vitamins/Supplements. We have a Dopamine deficiency. We are interest based and react with Rewards. The Dad(or anyone in this situation)should look for NIGHT work (we won't deal well with work interactions, it will make as feel less and we have that enough)-there will be interesting characters, no accountability to anyone around so you can thrive and do it YOUR way. Don't look at driving because focus/distraction is an issue but in a Supermarket/Warehouse etc. This will be a way he can still bring money in and not have to deal with the world 'judging him' for being a failure.
People like you Anna, are such a great source of inspiration and a bless for the community. Thank you for your passionate work!
Thank you for your kind words! -Calista@TeamFairy
I've been thinking about this today. Why am I so afraid of conversations about goals and the future? I feel like I'm too busy surviving. But I like my life in some ways and talking about the future makes me afraid.
What resonates so much for me is you've got the drive to start things and try things but what's missing is how to sustain things. That's the neglect part. It's like you know to build the bridge towards success but you don't know how to build the structure that will keep it up. When Anna says do the research, she's pointing you towards building the structure, the path to success. You can do it. Keep going even when you feel frustrated and you'll get there.
Thank you Anna. This video is so helpful. I retired a couple years ago and have felt lost in a lot of ways. Growing up poor took a toll. Thanks for what you shared about the informational interview. That feels like a great puzzle piece for me on this journey of exploration for "right work." Actually the whole video feels like gold to me. Thank you ❤
You are so welcome!
This story is so relatable! Something I realized is that how those of use that grew up being emotionally neglected over romanticized love and relationships as if just meeting that one person would heal and save us. We that also grew up poor over romanticized jobs with a status title as if that would make up for our childhood of shame. I've also learned the hard way that jobs that sound nice don't always pay well and even the jobs that do pay well the money will disappear quick without my noticing if I don't have a solid plan or goal for every penny. Ultimately I think the best advice for use that grew up poor is the same advice Anna has for us that grew up emotionally neglected and are often easily limerant. That is to focus on building a happy life outside of just romantic relationships or in this case money. I've listened to so many of Anna's videos and even though she says this often it can become easily lost in all the emotionally painful things coming from the writers story so many of us miss it. Nevertheless, I agree with Anna that being overall happy gives us a level of mental and emotional balance that allows us not to become swept up in things we can't control or should avoid. When I was bouncing from job to job it was realistically because I was unhappy with my life both inside and outside of work not because of the pay.
I think every worker is entitled to a manageable work week and salary so that they can care for their family. When I was single I didn’t mind long hours, but as a working mom, I needed more time with my child. When he was older, I was again ready to throw myself into work. I was lucky to have some control over my work time. Everyone should have that. It didn’t hurt my employer. They had a very loyal employee in me. I guess that was another world, but we should fight to get it back.
You are so good at what you do. I am learning so much from you. You are appreciated. 💙💙💙🦋
I'm so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you for your realistic encouragement based on your own real experience where you give the writer authentic hope, not inflated false hope. Your support to the CPTSD community is a treasure. Hopefully people can begin their healing journey, even five minutes at a time. Be REALISTIC, People!😊
I love your what you are sharing! "Teach what you know...be curious and brave, keep learning...learning is your joy"! I learned to heal, and prioritize for myself...I am so inspired by your story and the practical advice. The get rich quick scheme was taught and I grew up poor the similar way, study hard, sacrifice my time, and (at 45 yrs old) I am trying to juggle both as a divorced mom. Job and job, I am on the verge of working for myself...I'm still contemplating with the ideal. Thank you!
The trades are highly underrated btw. 👍
I couldn’t agree more!!!
Agreed!
They're also highly overrated. I'm a machinist. The main benefit of doing technical trades is that the work itself is almost 100% politics-free. Your "worthiness" for employment as a tradesman is almost entirely your skill and getting the work done properly--and little else. This makes trade work excellent for highly intelligent people who don't want to waste time on office politics, pecking-order related crap, or other bullshit. Problem is that the work is very repetitive, which drives bright people insane, and the pay is very low.
Didn't realize any of this until the last few months. I constantly tried to figure out my future always had difficulty deciding on anything for fear of failure, uncertainty, not knowing how to get there (in multiple ways), etc.
Thank you for watching. Daily Practice is a great way to process fears and resentment. You can try it free here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy
My mother has been incredibly selfish my whole life. She’s kicking my father out with almost no finances. He will not get anything from the sale of the house because it’s in her name. I am now having to decide between taking a financial disposition and support my father, whom I love or have him move states away to live with his brother. I want to grow my life and my finances/future. I just don’t know what to do. We’ll have to come to a moment where we decide.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Sure hits home.. ! Wish I knew all this earlier in life. Glad to be here with others in those situations ❤
We're so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
You can become addicted to almost anything it's up to your self discipline to deal with that
This video hit home for me. I am in the process if divorcing my husband for spending marital funds on gambling, instead of securing a stable environment for us. He watched me sacrifice for the well being of the family, while he indulged in his gambling. Now, he blames me for separating the family. Go figure!
my feeling from the letter is kinda like samantha tends to jump from one idea to another without enough reflection and planning, thus putting her self in random luck. the practice that comes to mind is the basics of mindfulness: stopping, appreciating what is already available and possible as is, and bringing decision making down to this calm and down to earth base
Farmers/growers can be found at farmers markets. Letter writer might already know this but I wanted to mention it because I love my local farmers. Theres a site called eatwild that has lists of farmers in all the states. I relate 💯 with being raised without direction. I would've loved to live on a farm when I was a kid too.
I found my garden was full of weeds, I am pushing myself to plant more wild flowers.
Something that combines gardening and teaching. Look at starting a business as an after school program about gardening.
Yes-a postal worker is a good job.
Wow, I relate so much to this. I know I tried to build my dreams in the past doing what I could. Life suddenly went from this is manageable, to someone turning on expert mode, to why even bother crawling out of bed. These generational curse thing makes me laugh. The world isn't like this because of some family curse. It's much more sinister in my eyes, but seeing it like this doesn't make the situation better. It was seriously like my legs were kicked out from under me. I dont have much faith in myself but that's the only hope I have.
Dear Fairy, are doing a great job. Thank u for all of your help. I grew up lost like the lady who wrote to u. Thank u for your wisdom!!!
Thank you. Happy New Year to you!
Thank you for the encouragement(s)
I’m so sorry, this is so sad, believe me it will be alright, I promise you samantha, Thank you so much Anna, you don’t know what you have done for me…..Much love💜
So how in the world do you figure out your passion? The work you would love? I’m 60 and still do not know what I want to be. With no direction or encouragement I went for a job to make money. I was told that was the most important growing up so I have no idea how to find joy in work. Any suggestions?
People generally don't find joy in work. They find money in it. When people brag that they "love" their jobs and they "get" to work with people that are "so interesting," they're almost always bullshitting to try and make themselves look cooler than they really are. Working is working, it is NOT for fulfillment and interest. It's for money!
And there’s also the CPSD feeling that you don’t deserve anything 😢
Please never forget: healing is possible! And you deserve it. Nika@TeamFairy
Merry Christmas- you do such valuable work ❤ 🙏
Thank you!
Needed to see this one. Thanks.
Wow, I relate SO MUCH to these stories and to SO MANY of the comments here. The only thing that has gotten me through it all has been rediscovering my creativity after suppressing it for years while trying to pursue goals, carreers, and even relationships that people told me would lead to success and financial security and a stable life... not so much. "I wasn't raised to know that" hits deep. I was raised by a single mom who got a job as a postal worker and did that for 15 years until the day she died of cancer at 56 years old... That job made her dream of finally owning her own home a reality at 50. Her life, my life, all of it, every choice, was based in survival mode. I don't want to live in survival anymore, I'm taking a chance on my passions now... as a single mom in my 30's. That's why I'm here on KZhead too. I was also raised on "Little house" as well ❤
Thank you for sharing, I'm so glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I would start by watching Permaculture videos. Farming can be profitable if one knows how to make the most of what one has. Permaculture teaches how to work with nature and use it to incorporate animals, plants and people into a thriving system. The Permaculture community is an excellent resource.
When I was very young there was a lot of neglect and as a result I don't know what I don't know. I've always felt there were missing puzzle pieces.
I hear you! Daily Practice can help sort through things that feel confusing. You can try it free here: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice Nika@TeamFairy
Thank you! This was great to hear…we’re not alone and share similarities in this thing called life.
Thanks so much for this video, Anna, and for bringing Sam's note forward! 🙂
Thank you!
Good information 🎬🏅