Breaking The Toxic Shame-Limerence Cycle To Build True Intimacy
2024 ж. 4 Ақп.
100 748 Рет қаралды
• Limerence: What Is It ...
• Toxic Shame: What It I...
• Emotional Self-Intimac...
• Limerence: What Is It ...
• Toxic Shame: What It I...
• Emotional Self-Intimac...
We can only meet people as deeply as we have met ourselves…. Great phrase. Thank you for sharing.
oh 🤔 so I'm screwed forever. thanks
An invitation to meet yourself more deeply. I love that for you!
I wrote that quote down
Great comment
“So imagining this fantasy world where somebody who is perfect, who we believe or have convinced ourselves is flawless, finally loves us and sees us fully and completely and believes that we are good and worthwhile and ok means that we will never have to feel shame again.” There’s a window into my soul right there 👀
I can relate to your comment. I split up with the ‘love of my life 25 years ago. I thought I wasn’t good enough for her and my shame of not being worthwhile only made me put her on a pedestal and all memories of her and our time became perfect and I’d missed my chance at happiness. We got in touch five years ago and it was like ripping a scab of my heart. We clicked again immediately but she has three teen children and unhappily married. I’d never married. I bought into that fantasy world and limmerace straight away. Talking became too much, she has three teenage children and they rightly came first. I realise I idolised her and looked at it through rose tinted glasses.
@@pattracey105It’s creepy that limerence can last a lifetime, I‘m glad you were able to break the illusion in this one!
Damn perspective. Your wheelhouse is rolling right into my heart. I am so invested in what you have to say - thank you Heidi.
@@KillStealMusic 🤩 If only had learnt about limerence many years before! I’ve also worked out if you are unhappy in your present relationship my monkey brain can look back and see everything through rose tinted glasses! Which is me decieving myself as though it was good I emphasise that factor which is not really the true situation.
Ty7hhhj😊
11:05 "You are not ever going to have a secure healthy relationship with someone who needs you to be perfect in order to love you. That is not love. That is transactional relating." This is the information I was seeking for so long and no self-help books nor CBT were able to explain tell inform me - that right there.
"someone who needs you to be perfect in order to love you" - my mother came to mind when I heard this fraze...🥲
SHE. DOES. NOT. MISS. 🙌 Heidi! This was my relationship! Every time I tried to take off my mask of perfection and connect on a deeper more intimate level, my partner would look at me bewildered, maybe even disgusted. They would tell me, "I need to be stronger", I needed to be perfect. It was exhausting and I felt so disconnected from them, even at our most intimate. Like I never really knew them. It was really painful. Thank you as always for helping me come to a better understanding of myself and my relationship with others. You truly are the single greatest teacher in my healing journey. So much love!
Love your intro “welcome back, or welcome” you’re a got sent watched all you vids, especially those on attachment styles, unfortunately my partner of 10y refuses to talk relationship problems at all
Wow I feel very sorry for you, I hope you can be able to open up to someone who deserves it ❤
I m also suffering same way
❤
God, these videos are starting to feel more and more laser-targeted to me, specifically. They're absolute gold, and I wish I'd had these available to me years ago. Would have saved me a lot of pain, I think.
Same here, I'm finally beginning to understand 20+ years of limerence and shame
@@People-Like-You Yeah. I'm at the stage where, in large part thanks to Heidi, I'm recognizing these behaviors when they occur, BUT only well enough that I'm able to explain them to people when they happen, not to stop myself from falling in. It's _wildly_ frustrating. Lost a close friend only two days ago as I tried to open up and admit to some shame-based limerent feelings towards her (Well, not her-her, but you know). Now I can catch myself when I draw the conclusion "Ah, see, they fled as soon as they saw the real you!", tell myself that it wouldn't have been an authentic relationship anyway. But also, like... that's a small comfort. Would have been nicer to not end up in limerence at all, and still have a friend.
I'm sorry to hear that, and I feel for you. Limerence = the worst kind of hell I've ever experienced. Hopefully never again
@@havcola6983There is a book that perfectly addresses this: Healing the Child Within by Charles Whitfield. Follow it up with John Bradshaw’s work on Shame
all this talk of intimacy and romance right in time for Valentine's Day!! 😘❤💗❤ thank you, Heidi. 🥰 i have a drop dead gorgeous new date this weekend and she seems like a real one. 😍 going to prepare by binging some of Heidi's videos and work within to show up as my most authentic and confident self. 🙏🏼 ofc, should it go bad, toxic shame will likely lead me back here to delete/edit this comment so i can try to pretend it never happened. 😅😅😅 may the insightful wits of Heidi be with me!! ✨🌹🤞🏼
Good luck and have great time on this date!😊
Rooting for you, my friend!
Happy for her that she gets to go on a date with someone who is consuming videos like these, someone who is willing to understand themselves and others. Good luck!
Good for you, hope you and your date have a good time.
Hope you enjoy your date and it goes well. I would just be yourself, flaws and all but show that you’re committed to life long learning and improvement.💚☘️👍
14:41 This part right here, I think is perpetuated a lot by fundamental Christianity. The idea that we as human beings are irreparably flawed by nature brings innate shame, but then they turn around and say the only solution to that is through a """relationship""" with a perfect being that will literally heal us from our flaws through """perfect love""". This is what was modeled to me growing up, where the only "romantic" love I was allowed to really experience was that which was brought to me through an entirely perfect ideal """relationship""" with a god that has no needs and fundamentally cannot be known. Then I wondered why I had so much trouble forming romantic relationships. Thank you for your work, it's truly been helpful!
The only problem with that theory is all of the best romantic relationships I know are among "fundamental" Christians, including the 23 years of almost perfect romance I experienced with my wife before she died too early of cancer. Humans are undeniably and obviously fundamentally flawed so it's of no use to deny it. Acknowledging the universality of our flaws is the best way to obviate shame since we're all in the same boat. It's going to be hard to heal if you can't identify what really messed you up and you lay your problems with other finite flawed beings off on an infinite being very unlike you.
Just lies for money describes religion.
The op can be true, and your experience can also be true. They are not incompatible. I know for me, a lot of my toxic shame came from the Christian teachings I received. Other people may have been taught differently, or (not) internalized them differently.
@@Mudpuppyjunior That isn't a problem. Just because this is a problem with modern American Christianity doesn't mean Christianity has to be that way, and it doesn't mean every Christian has that issue. Those ideas in fundamentalist Christianity are very toxic no matter if they stick or not.
@@Mudpuppyjuniorif flaws are universal by what metric are they held against? You’ll say the Logos. That same Logos advised that you deliberately position yourself at the seat of lowest standing at a party in order to avoid humiliation and bait out a sympathy reaction from the host. That is the essence of a covert contract. Question: does the host OWE it to the manipulator to move him to a higher place? No. So he would be warranted just leaving him to sit there. So what is that “humbling yourself” but a deliberate, covert means of attaining an outcome you aren’t asking for? Is that how a healthy relationship partner acts? You may see a world of irreparably flawed people, but that’s because you have poison in your eyes, and “because you claim you can see, your guilt remains.”
Heidi, as you do this series, could you also touch on the issue of repulsion with avoidant attachment styles? As an FA, I feel like I have two modes of connection: limerance or repulsion. I'm self-aware enough to realize the repulsion is usually with the healthiest, most suitable partners (as is irritation, anxiety, etc.). What's so confusing is the cultural narrative around these things. For example, some people in the coaching/pop-psych space will say, "healthy relationships will feel boring," "chemistry is dangerous," etc. That makes it so confusing to tell whether I'm deactivating or if I truly am with someone great who just isn't "my person." I have three friends that are all FA and we talk about this constantly. Would love to hear if you've ever been able to overcome "the ick" by mining shame. So grateful for your work. It's fascinating!
According to PDS, healthy relationships don't have to feel boring - that person isn't right for you. You may want to find someone who has the same novelty interests as you. The difference is that you'll fight less intensely with a secure partner because they'll know how to emotionally regulate through the arguments, and they're not easily triggered.
I think you should work on becoming more secure first then you can decide, as your judgement now isn't accurate because it's affected subconsciously by your FA attachment style.
I relate so much. I also get the ick with secure feeling people and self-sabotage my way out of there to get away. I've been working on myself for the past 3 years, so I don't go into relationships blindly and know I will get this specific feeling. I don't date at all. Really interesting to hear that others feel like that too
@@aspegel5281 this is great insight, however, I usually am completely compatible with the secure partners I've dated and I'm not actually much of a fighter. I think this goes along with the fact there are different types of FAs. I'm drawn to intensity--usually partners that are a little dangerous or avoidant and I fawn. I don't really fight. I think it's less of an interest compatibility issue and more of being very enticed by emotionally closed off people.
@@tiniliciouz YES and to be clear--I get it with everyone I date. Even people I experience limerance with (though it usually dissipates). I would say the first 1-6 weeks of dating for me is just my body constantly rejecting the other person and not seeing them accurately. It's maddening.
I am allowing of myself to be SEEN FULLY!
I felt toxic shame, but in a different way. I was staying in a toxic environment where I felt ashamed and worthless because I was unemployed, was financially unstable, and I didn't meet socio-economic standards. I was already struggling with mental health issues (depression, anxiety, stress, etc) and I was in a limerent relationship with my crush. It took physical health issues to force myself to walk away and break myself from the limerent state. Well, that, but also I reached the disillusionment stage, where I never reached the idealized state that never existed in the first place. I found myself in a situation where love turns to hate. I saw my "partner" as a rival, who only took and never gave back. It was an eye opening experience to learning how to love myself and take care of my needs. Thank you for this video, Heidi! We are all grateful for the work you do.
Yeah, socio-economic status is a taboo topic in USA and UK - since it opens the flood of censored issues and questions related to socialism and communism and Union and class divide. IT opens can of worms which threatens the already shaky stability of capitalist systems.
I felt this word for word! It’s such a feeling of disgust for that other person and myself, I just walked away because I was at an unhealthy place physically, mentally, emotionally. I’m just now doing the real work.
@@danyerislopez7817 Problem starts when people do not have money to walk away and leave. Then they are stuck in toxic ambient due to lack of finances and plentitude of Operant Conditioning such as social anxiety
"Idealizing their flaws" I was like 🤯🤯🤯🤯 YES! That's what I've done and they are some FLAWS. WOW. 🤦🏼♀️
I really love how you explained we need to find someone who will be compassionate towards and help us work on our flaws. I never had that growing up and I’m very hard on myself. The problem is that I feel immense amounts of shame when ending relationships with people because of characteristics I find undesirable within them, like a lack of ambition/desire to better themselves, or that I don’t find them physically attractive, or they’re a bit whiny/selfish. I feel very bad when I feel I can’t accept these flaws and end the relationship, because I want someone who will accept my flaws. I can’t seem to tell when I’m being too picky or just normal.
The more I learn about toxic shame, the fearful avoidant attachment style and limerence, really puts a perspective on my life and what I’m up against. I’ve been avoiding relationships all together, all my 47yo life. I’m two years into therapy and I honestly don’t think I could have faced, felt or genuinely accepted my pain until now. Your attachment style videos (obviously) all include talk about love and as hard it is to admit, the truth is I don’t know what it is and how it feels. Thank you Heidi for your videos. You make a difference in my life.
May I recommend the works of John Bradshaw for understanding and healing shame. His book: Healing the Shame that Binds You may benefit you as profoundly as it did me. Another is Healing the Child Within by Charles Whitfield.
@@VivianGray88 thank you so much for those suggestions. I will definitely check them out ❤️
The point you made about trying to fix your flaws without showing yourself compassion first really resonated with me. The way that leads to self-hatred. Thank you for that insight! I'm not diagnosed yet, but a likely case of AuDHD (Autism + ADHD), which makes regular tasks like vacuuming an extreme challenge for me. Whenever I managed to build enough motivation (usually through shame about the state of my apartment), I would finally do some cleaning. Of course now the shame about the state of my apartment is gone, so I no longer have the motivation to clean. So my apartment gets worse again, and I beat myself up. So now I'm slowly chipping away at the self-esteem that usually takes years for me to build in other ways. Showing myself compassion and understanding when I fail to keep my apartment clean has already helped me stop the self-perpetuating cycle of self-hatred, ever since I started learning about where my problems are coming from.
I feel your struggle with the cleaning, pretty certain I have undiagnosed ADHD too. It’s created a never ending shame cycle for me. Sending love, I know how awful this feels.
@@kerrymillar1267 Then enter the socially anxious - who are being told by CBT and self-help books that their anxiety is hallucination, that toxic people do not exist, and their task to beat social anxiety is to expose themselves to narcissistic abuse and stay inside it in order to be cured. While in the same time - the after-effect of narc abuse both in childhood and in adulthood - including mobbing at work - is explained away by CBT and self-help books - as personality flaw, deep personal defect in the brain - which can be only cured with tyranny of shoulds and creating list of fears that could be fought only through more and more of exposure to toxic ambient and toxic people - while brainwashing ourselves into belief that toxic people do not exist by being "strong" and "stoic" and disciplined. While in the same time CBT never mentioning the word complex trauma (because it is banned by DSM, nor explanation of what is narc abuse or toxic malignant shame or ACoA ACE - at all.
I don't clean either, i think i like it untidy
Awesome video as always! The energy of shame is the innocent desire for love and acceptance. Combine this with a person (often a neglectful or abusive one) that reminds us of our childhood wounding, and voilà, we are trapped in the limerence limbo where we desperately try to resolve this childhood wound with this neglectful other. Our unconscious is like, 'If only I can make them love me, I'll finally have proof I'm deserving of love,' but of course, it's only a fantasy and will never work like that. Painful stuff...
You described me to a T. I'm an older woman. Stayed away from relationships for several years because I knew I could not pick a healthy person. My relationships and marriage were a nightmare. I got myself sucked in with an old acquaintance online. we texted a lot, got together a few times, recently got together, and this guy went ballistic on me. After all these years of being alone, the Limerence started so strong, but I went along like we were just friends. Thought everything would be OK because we are older. Nope. I feel this does not go away on. it's on just because you think you're older and wiser, you still are drawn to the same type of person. I'm trying to find out more about this so I can be on the road to recovery
@@vickeysteffin8061 Damn, that sounds like a terrible experience with this guy... Yeah, I've also come to understand that, unfortunately, when it comes to this stuff, 'time heals all wounds' does generally not apply :/
@@Psychodynamics-With-Martin Thank you
Well said..
This is gold. I have realized I have no desire for relationships. And I know why and no one will ever beat the feeling of being alone. I'm awesome!
One of my favorite things about your videos, Heidi, is the comments section. (Said no one ever) Because every video has basically three flavors. 1. This is directed at me so accurately. 2. Heidi's back/yay/another banger. 3. Simply "thank you". I mean, it is a LOVE fest up in here. It's so nice. And a testament to how important what you discuss, and how you present it, is. It's all *so* me, glad you're back, thank you. (check. check. check.)
"What are the things that I struggle with? And who can be compationate towards and going to accompany me on the journey if I potentially struggle with this on and off for the rest of my life?" - what a deep and beautiful, Self-accepting question, thank you🙏 "All those parts that you believe are the testaments to your brokenness are just the testaments of co-regulation that you once did not have available to you"💛
Heidi strikes again. Excellent video, as always. I'm in the middle of burnout and a limerent episode, so quite timely. Interesting aspect you didn't touch upon - the role of dopamine and nervous system disregulation in burnout & limerence. Would be fantastic if you could cover the somatic & hormonal aspects of these states and how they affect attachment wounds & healing. Also, if anyone knows of an online coach that helps with these matters, I'd love to hear suggestions.
Heidi, just discovered you a couple weeks ago. Nobody described in such detail all the trials I’ve had with relationships through my entire life……my early wound I never acknowledged has caused me a lifetime of struggles connecting deeply with anyone. Thank you. Now I go on the healing journey.
This video really hit home for me...for years I had been struggling with limerence and just didn't know the word for it. I would have these obsessive crushes on people that I couldn't shake, to the extent that I couldn't stop thinking about them and tried everything to reach them. Now I know I was hoping for a bandaid to my own problems. Last year, I had a crush on a guy when I was still healing from C-PTSD and narcissistic abuse...I got way too attached and was struggling to self-regulate. I've done a lot more healing since then, but still having a hard time forgiving myself for my limerence. It helps to know I can cultivate more self-love and gradually expand to more reciprocal relationships rather than idealizing people who may not even be good for me.
Feeling a little confused. I haven’t looked for that “perfect person” to help heal my toxic shame. I did find someone whom I let really see me, and I saw him. We both have toxic shame, and we thought we could heal together. But unfortunately, we didn’t have enough developed self regulation skills to be able to successfully coregulate and support each other, so there was a baseline of chaos. Neither of us really knew what secure attachment feels like… so when you say that, you probably need to find someone who understands and has compassion for your shameful parts, it seems they’re also needs to be a real baseline of individuation so that the relationship doesn’t become enmeshed in codependency. Thank you so much for these videos. Your work is helping a lot of people.
Pleaseeeeeeee consider adding your videos to a spotify account, I would be so grateful to be able to listen to these in the gym- your content is absolutely incredible, and I know it's exactly what I require to break long standing issues. Thank you so much for the time you put in
This video has been very pertinent to me. I just wish to send my gratitude for opening my eyes and helping myself and surely many others:)
SHE’S BACK!!! ❤️so happy to have you again, thank you Heidi for your work. You’re incredible
For Heidi intimacy is the ultimate goal, like salvation for Christians or enlightenment for Buddhists.
That’s profound! I love this
@@dougieboy28 thnx :)
Ouch! Thank you for knowing your stuff so well and communicating so clearly.
You are my favorite KZhead therapist. For sure. Just so genuine. And it’s so clear that you’ve done this work and are truly wanting to share it. Thank you!
We interview employees and shop for cars more mindfully and honest than we “shop” for partners when we don’t have this shit resolved. The lasting and profound impact of limerence partners is far more significant than cars and jobs!!! Scary. Children can result!
This comment right here!!!!!
Let me just say that I have learnt more about love and self acceptance through your channels videos then all other resources I've had in all of my 29 years of life
I'll be alone forever I'm way too crazy
"jUsT bE yOuRsElF aNd It AlL wOrKs OuT." Cool, being myself entails cleaning certain things less often than most women prefe-- Aaaand they're all gone.
Fun fact: Heidi hacked my phone and makes videos according to my notes app ramblings 😂 Jk but these are too on the nose and she keeps reading me for filth 😂😂💛💛
Hit the nail on the head. Had so many lightbulb moments. Saving this video to watch several more times. Thank you Heidi
This channel is one of the best psychological self-help resources on the Internet. Thank you so much.
🎯 Key Takeaways for quick navigation: 🔄 Toxic *shame and limerence interact, leading to isolation and the creation of social masks to hide perceived flaws.* 🎭 Living *behind a social mask creates loneliness and burnout, pushing individuals to retreat into fantasy connections.* 💭 Fantasy *connections offer a temporary escape from underlying shame and low self-worth.* 💔 Idealizing *romantic relationships as a cure for shame leads to unrealistic expectations and disappointment.* 🚫 Seeking *a perfect partner to heal self-esteem is bound to fail as perfection doesn't exist, and healthy relationships require authenticity.* 💡 Healing *self-esteem involves self-acceptance, compassion, and facing one's insecurities without dissociation.* 💑 Developing *intimacy with oneself is crucial for choosing healthier partners and fostering genuine connections.* 🔄 Embracing *vulnerability and self-compassion opens the door to healthy forms of love, as deep intimacy requires authenticity and self-awareness.* Made with HARPA AI
Thank you @HeidiPriebe for this information
Heidi : you have an amazing gift of making complicated issues easy to understand. i am finding that rare in the self help genre on youtube. I decided to treat my self esteem issues by setting up my first session with a therapist on 2/7/24. I will continue to watch and learn from you.
I’ve been struggling with this recently, as I’m moving on from my last relationship, I kinda fell into an internal turmoil realizing how flawed I was as a partner. I figured if I’m not perfect, no one else that I meet in the future will be, and instead of accepting that and trying to work on a new relationship, I feel like I shut myself off emotionally to the world around me because I’m not going to meet anyone that’s perfect and always going to give me grace when I mess up. I fantasize about a person so perfect for me that all our quirks will line up and there will be no conflict, but that’s rarely the case for anyone. This opened my eyes to the possibility of meeting someone compatible through a series of acceptance that me and the other person will always be flawed. I still am hung up on my last relationship and maybe I’m just not wholly ready to move on from all these good memories I have of them, but I now know the expectation I need to go in with whenever I do decide to get back out there.
I’ve never in my whole entire life met someone who expected someone to be perfect. That’s honestly hilarious. What often happens is people who have expectations put upon them..they pushback by saying the people who have expectations for them are looking for perfection. When in fact, the people are just simply looking for basic building blocks to love- the things that everyone is looking for. It’s those people that create excuses and they’re lazy and they don’t put effort into relationships. They’re the ones that use this as an excuse. Responsibility is something that exists and these kind of people often think the only words matter, and after that words are said some kind of commitment… That, after that they don’t have to do much more work. And they hide behind the security of words without putting equal amounts of energy into the relationship. They have too much security and they don’t try hard enough.
Thank you!
Heidi, every single word you said landed with me. EVERY SINGLE WORD.
Eloquent, detailed and yet on point. I studied psychology, and read and know a lot about these topics (also due to my own deep rooted attachment issues) but you blew me away. I struggle with a severe form of toxic shame and hope your videos will motivate me to finally address it with trauma therapy.
Your channel is a gold mine, thank you so much for sharing such valuable advice
I’m a co-dependent & I intentionally did something to hurt the person I loved as a cry for attention. I had a psychotic moment? Craving attention & affection?? I’m not sure why I did it but at the time I felt emotionally numb, and for several days afterwards. And then when I realized I had totally lost the person & that I deserved to lose them because of what I did, that’s when I finally started feeling emotions and they were/are horrible. I just ended a relationship because my codependent nature caused my expectations to be unreasonable & needy, which led me to make the poor decision of lashing out & truly hurting the person I love in a way that cannot be undone. How do I forgive myself? I caused them extreme pain & also hurt myself in the process.
I’m so sorry this happened. It sounds like a really intense time. You reflecting and taking ownership is a really beautiful and powerful step in the healing process - bravo. Look up some videos on self compassion, my friend. Sending hugs 🫂
You talk at a really nice pace! Of course, I love the content of what you're actually saying too, but as someone who often pauses videos to let things sink in, I really appreciate how slow and measured your words are!
This is brilliant. So well said and right on target. I needed to learn this decades ago. It’s kind of late, but I’m trying. What I found interesting in my life is that I had no idea that I had toxic shame until I got into a relationship with someone who was capable of intimacy, and then I realized that I wasn’t capable, but I didn’t know why. My husband passed away and now I’m not sure if I even want to try again, but I am working on myself. Thank you so much for this. I’ve never heard this issue so well-described in such a succinct way. Wow. 💕💕
Still trying to heal from my partner's past limerence he was still in when we met and for a year or so into our relationship. After 8 years he still has trouble "de-valuing" his LO or seeing LOs flaws as actual flaws and not quirks. He's at least recognized it as limerence and not love. Just trying to convince myself it'll never happen again.
Thank you so much, Heidi, for your caring and your sharing!
I was literally thinking today why did I have such an illusion that there exists such a superhero who can see me, love me, trust me as being a good person and being lovable, and love me unconditionally. This believe was what crushed me 5 years ago, and even today I am still struggling. Then your video just showed up. Thank you so much for another great video! You are saving my life.
Love that you use the word “transactional “
this is such an advanced step of self healing i never thought i would get to
Here from Twitter. This is spot on! Thank you for sharing your wonderful knowledge!
So happy to have you back, angel 💕
I’ve never heard anyone breakdown this dynamic much less so clearly- 👏 bravo
17:17 ...the only way to heal our self esteem is to unpack it, look at it and have compassion during it... Trauma therapy using EMDR has helped me do just that. By bringing my triggered state experiences to EMDR therapy I am able to reparent myself and that seems to reduce the trauma flashbacks overtime.. I now have the capacity to create self compassion, quiet the inner/exterior critic, avoid chronic dissociating, and escape into fantasy. My true self is starting to emerge and I am more aware of my time in the moment... I am more of the intentional/functional father... I don't depend on my kids to have to regulate my emotions. I'm responsible for my emotional regulation. I can allow my kids to experience their emotions without me suppressing or ignoring them... I guess you could say I am moving towards becoming more securely attached and attune to my needs and that allows me the space to be present for their emotional needs. 😊 Heidi, your videos are the perfect companion to my CPTSD therapy ...your shining a light on the neuroscience path toward attunement, self esteem, emotional regulation, secure attachment. Namaste 🙏 ❤️🩹
I'm glad I found this channel The way you word things really speaks to me
You articulate these topics so well! Its so pleasing to listen to you talk. Not everyone has that quality. Keep making these. They are very helpful
this was INCREDIBLE, thank you❤
SO HAPPY THAT YOU ARE BACK
Thank you, Heidi. I relate so much to the story about growing up with(out) a sensitive, emotionally-attuned caregiver. I feel so disregulated all the time and it's a daily uphill battle trying to be functioning. I beg people to love me by breaking myself to be perfect.
This is exactly what I needed to hear, thank you.
What a gem of a channel. Thank you for creating and gifting this to the world 💞
Perfect timing. Thank you for this eye opening discussion
This is exactly what I needed to hear today. Thank you ❤❤❤
You have validated and confirmed so many feelings and thoughts I've had over the years, and I'm still in the process of healing but your video made me realize the progress that I DID make how far I've come, and what I still need to work on. Thank you so much, God bless you
I love the way you put these things. Thank you for doing what you do!
God I'm so glad I discovered this page. Genuinely have been beating myself for falling for my friend 13yrs, and KZhead recommended this to me at the right time
I'm so thankful for all of your videos, Heidi.
You're too real and I'm thankful for that😭💕
Can’t thank you enough! Opened a huge window to stress and a huge help for our futures!!!
This video is a grand slam. Thank u so much for communicating these tough concepts in a manner that is digestible and actually usable!
You are on a roll with these videos!! Thank you so much for this ❤️🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
I just discovered your channel. Thank you for these videos, they're life-changing! 💖💖
SO WISE, thank you
As always, you explained this sooooo articulately! Thank you!
This is exactly what i needed ughhhh❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
This video is Divinely timed. This is the second item I have encountered in regards to this topic. Great video!
I needed this so much today. Couldn't imagine a more serendipitous video to show up as soon as I got home today. Been watching a ton of your stuff lately, and I just really appreciate the work you out in, to put out all this cool stuff, so we can learn how to work on ourselves. You're cool as heck for that. Thanks, Heidi!
Thank you for this message and your channel. It is a godsend for me tbh
Oh god this one goes right to the heart. Somehow these always come out at the perfect time, thanks Heidi 💛
You're the best Heidi. Always so clear and understandable.
I swear... I have actually thought, "who likes the problems I have"? Whoa! What a great video.
Bravo, Heidi. Such articulation...
Thank you so much, i love your videos because you explain hard topics without adding an extra layer of shame on top of it, as a lot of other personal development people do ❤
This combination is me! I have never been able to discribe this to someone. No one ever understood! I am so happy that your chanel exists! Thank you ❤This sums up my whole life and I am actually suffering from a burnout right now at 22 years old!
The timing Heidi 😭💗✨
Thank you. This is beautifully summed up.
Thank you Heidi. Excellent stuff❤
I really appreciate this ..extraordinary work
ohhh this is hard for me to break out of because I'm both trying to be seen as an expert at emotional intelligence and trauma healing (and a teacher, anthropologist, world traveler and avid hiker), and I've recently experienced a huge trauma that I'm trying to find support to heal from. so i find I'm bouncing between people who see I'm feeling full of SHAME but then think i dont know anything or have any "self love habits" and people who want my wisdom but want to know it's a path to being perfect, which i was raised to be perfect for love and self soothe, and don't want to be there anymore. to find people who can recognize needing support to heal trauma doesn't diminish my expertise, and people dont just need self-love, so i can be seen as both its bananas too because i teach that your SHAME container is going to fill up and youll just feel worthless sometimes, totally normal. but i live in a culture that is appalled by shame something else that came up through this video is people who think self esteem is thinking everything about you is "good", versus thinking you dont have to be perfect to love yourself. im always late in a culture that values time. i think its fine, i kind of think its natural and stress free and rebelling a bit. but i often tell people "I'm always late" and they say "ohhh no i bet youre not! you can learn to be on time!" when i am and I'm not interested. I'm confident in that. I'm not saying "I'm late and I'm ashamed pls coddle me" I'm saying "I'm late and its a part of myself im comfortable with" but i look almost perfect so people's desire for me to adhere to their ideals is strong.
Thank you from my heart !
I love the premise, I also feel this concept of limerance can apply in more than just romantic contexts too. It can be platonic, shit it can even be parasocial For me its about finding this perfectly healthy totally okay community to be apart of I wanna feel a part of something bigger but I've dealt with so much trauma that not only do I idealize things and ppl and groups of people, I also am overly sensitive to the feeling of being in personal danger on a social level. So if something goes really wrong I'm quick to flee. I think in some cases that fleeing can be good because maybe that friend group gave me a really off feeling in my gut. But sometimes I can't help but wonder how much of it is also just a self preservation tactic, because I need personal connections and a sense of community but the idea also terrifies me.
MAN, I have made such wild emotional progress in the past few weeks, it's insane. You helped a lot. Thank you!
I’ve watched your videos for quite some time now. And I’m sure all of the vids have helped many heart wrenching souls facing intense deep inner-works. Thank you for your deep, empathetic, compassionate work as this video has helped me in an immeasurable way.
Thank you for making these videos. You seem to be taylor-made to be in a guide for people dealing with self/relationship issues.
words cannot express how much i am thankful for your channel ❤
Thank you so much for this video Heidi. I came across your channel only recently and I wish it was sooner. I have been subconsciously dealing with both limerence and toxic shame for over a decade without any realization. Feeling like an outcast in an endless cycle, your videos have been a revelation to the problems in my life and relationships. In tying the two together, so much makes sense now, as well as a way to clear the pain I experience. In my earliest years my family experienced a tragedy that I have always blocked out, not remembering much of anything from before the age of 8. Your video on anxious attachment relationships was absolutely spot on to how I have approached people. family, and friends. The knowledge you have bestowed is a revelation to say the least. Please keep up the good work. It is so much appreciated.
This is a great vid. Thank you Heidi.
Thank you for explaining this in a plain and objective way.
Thanks, I like your way of explaining things.
You have helped me so much realizing about myself and I understand a lot of things which I would never thought of