Anxious/Avoidant Relationships: Why They Only Heal Through Shadow Work
2023 ж. 23 Қыр.
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Shadow Work: What It Is And When To Do It: • Shadow Work: What It I...
The Anxious Attachment Style's Biggest Blindspot: • Anxious Attachment: Th...
The Avoidant Attachment Style's Biggest Blindspot: • Avoidant Attachment: T...
The Dark Night Of The Soul In The Attachment Healing Process: • The Dark Night Of The ...
My husband & I have tried conventional approaches through 3 different marriages counselors over the course of our 28 year marriage. We were introduced to your work (several weeks after announcing to our family we were mutually separating and planning divorce.) We both have gained so much insight and are now working to repair our marriage in a way that we never have before. Something that seemed so broken has been given new hope and new life thanks to your attachment theory work and your videos. We are indebted to you, Heidi ❤️
(Btw, we strongly identify with being an anxious- avoidant relationship- just can’t thank you enough for making information on attachment styles understandable and for providing practical strategies for doing the healing work)
Love it! I wish the best for you too 🧡 🤜🤛
Yes, congrats to you for hanging in there and trying to find solutions and answers. Hopefully you not only stay together but through a greater understanding of the dynamics taking place between the two of you, your marriage actually becomes better than ever! All the best!
That's incredible. Both of you must be great mature adults. Good luck on your journey.
That's awesome! Have you seen alongside Heidi the resources on PDS w Thais Gibson - really useful courses and live interactive events.
What I basically get from this is "do not wait on others to change, just change yourself".
This is the most thoroughly well-balanced, non-blaming, well-structured, masterfully delivered, least triggering, profoundly insightful, exceptionally clear, remarkably nuanced, deeply empathetic, highly accessible, wonderfully inclusive, incredibly empowering, and astonishingly transformative guide to navigating the complexities of anxious-avoidant relationship dynamics I have ever encountered. I now have a true path forward and have never been so hopeful
100% agree! 🙌
As an update, no matter how good this video is it doesn't make any difference if your partner just flat out refuses to even entertain the idea of watching the video let alone practicing what she suggests.
Yes, yes, yes!!! All of this! This is the video I chose to show my boyfriend to get us started on this journey together! (I am the avoidant and he is the anxious) and I have been able to map out where to start and where to go moving forward with this video alone! It is so hard to find fair stuff to work with because everyone else seems to believe avoidants are evil and the anxious is an angel wich is not helpful at all lol Thank you so much Heidi ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
@JaradDeLorenzo This is why I gave my partner an ultimatum. He believes this kind of stuff is bullshit and I told him either we put real work in together or I'm out cause I can't live like this anymore and I w
@@JaradDeLorenzo Oof, very true. That's why I gave my boyfriend an ultimatum. Either we do this work together and take it seriously or I'm out because I can't live like this anymore, its exhausting. It eventually reaches a breaking point where you just can't take it anymore and need to make a decision for yourself. Do I just accept this is the way it is and stay?? Is it worth it to do that?? I originally decided it was worth it and to just accept this is the way we are and that was because he wasn't willing to try any of this when I first presented it a year ago, but no matter how much I love him I just couldn't take it anymore and had to lay the choice out because what's the point if you are just miserable and stressed all the time?? Life is too short.
There’s a lot of BS therapy on KZhead, but this is the good shit. Brought me to tears. Thank you.
I just told someone the other day that I came to the realization that I was always holding onto hope subconsciously that prince charming was coming for me and that he would make everything ok. But I realized he isn't a real person, it's me. I am the person I have been waiting for to step up and do the hard things and have confidence, etc. then I found your videos and I am learning so much!! I am the anxious person and my husband is avoidant. I am excited to work on my own emotional regulation and self reliance and see what happens between us! Pretty nervous too ...
Good luck 👍
I hope your husband is doing the same for himself as well.
This is a great point! You nailed it. I have to be my own Prince(ss) Charming
I pray that your marriage becomes better than ever before!
Wow. My avoidant partner left me 3 weeks ago. Sadly, we did not make it; our attachment issues completely crashed this 4 year relationship in a slow and painful way. He already has a crush on another woman and says he does not love me anymore and is not attracted to me because of my emotional neediness. From his perspective, I was the issue in the relationship, and from my perspective, it was his emotional unavailability. Well, I will now focus all my energy to heal during this time alone. I wonder if he'll do the same. Anyway, this really is one of the best if not the best video on the topic, so thank you for making it.
Emotionally unavailable is the kiss of death in relationship
At least he told you how he feels directly like a secure person does. An Avoidant Narcissist will literally break up with you and tell you that they love you in order to keep you attached to them just in case they want to come back around later. Obviously that only works on someone with an Anxious Attachment Style but those are the people they seek out.
5 Questions: (Timestamp 21:10) 1 Am I ready for the relationship’s power dynamic to drastically change? 2 How am I going to deal with the insecurity that will arise when I finally start looking at my partner as my true equal? 3 How can I proactively work to stop triggering my own shadow traits in my partner? 4 Am I willing to take a sober look at this relationship and be realistic about the ways that we are and are not compatible? 5 Am I willing to focus at least 5x harder on my own change and growth than on my partner's?
Timestamp 21:10
@@leamubiu Great idea 👊
Great questions! U rock!
Thanks
Thank you...... I will do all of them.
Never saw any video like this in all the years going through videos about this dynamics topic. It's so much to the point and real that I just have to thank for it and hope for more to come and be accessible to everyone to be able to progress in their life.
Damn. Ballin. Spare some change?
I agree. I think Heidi’s videos require a deep context that can only be acquired by watching other sources, YT channels, reading some authors, etc, but when you are there you notice that her content takes that knowledge and goes way deeper into actual causes and methods of internal self revelation. Outstanding.
@@cameronvadnais4388 😅
Thank you for gifting her, I would love to as well
I just wish EVERYONE in this comment section luck with these types of relationships. I hope everyone finds their happiness whether it’s with your partners, or whether you decide to walk away. It sucks loving a person so deeply, and knowing that they cannot express these feelings back to you, whether it are secure or anxious. Every one has something to work on, and I hope that everyone will succeed in their journeys. ❤
4:15 "those who err more anxious on the attachment spectrum learned and internalized from a young age, if I don't make my needs very loudly and consistently known, I will be abandoned." another gem, true to my life and well put.
I have to say that as an anxious attached, I do not recognise this at all in my early years as toddler or whatever. Only from my teens the anxiety disorder started ruining relationships in this way of excessively needing assurance. ✌🏽
I don't see it in my early years, but my shadow is SO LOUD about how people ask for help. I wonder if it's before my conscious memory?
This is a very common reason why couples that successfully heal from infidelity end up divorcing. Self-healing changes not only the dynamics of every interpersonal relationship but also oneself’s awareness of past experiences that define such relationships.
This is truly key. Healing makes you see the mutual hurt symptomatic of deep incompatibility
Yes, the reasons they were attracted in the first place are no longer there.😊
@@NatalyG73 Of course there is. I was mentioning couples that actually healed, but didn’t end up together. However, the majority does…
@@lucaslouzada44 oh okay. maybe I just misread your comment. But it does makes sense with what Heidi says in the video too…I think if however they did start of as friends with a more secure attachment and then the situation turning romantic triggers both of their insecure attachment styles or if they started off getting to know each other in a more steady way, I think this type of divorce after healing may be less likely to happen as the people would’ve been able to properly asses compatibility first and ACTUALLY like each other/be more compatible. What do you think? you seem knowledgeable about this topic…
@@NatalyG73 There’s a lot of nuance to it. Compatibility is far from a key-and-lock type of thing, and fearful avoidants v. g. normally feel incompatible in their own individuality - i. e. in their relationship with themselves. People try to see it in such a simple way not only because of its romantic appeal, but because it’s easier to pretend there’s no effort involved. Compatiblity between persons is a rather variable range, equilibrium in any relationship is often dynamic and maintaining it demands hard work sometimes - even when it comes to securely attached people entirely positive about what they want. When both people in the couple heal - meaning individually - the restoration of the relationship involves rebuilding it upon an individual awareness concerning an authenticity that requires boundaries. Most times the newly found and self-conscious identities, where both people commit to a stable set of values and parameters, can rebuild upon past experiences together - it may take a lot of work, but it’s nonetheless feasible. Sometimes, though, healing changes the meaning of a couple’s prior life so completely that it seems as if every new design of such relationship hits a personal boundary or lacks that natural reciprocity no matter how much you try to adjust it. In fact, it takes time and patience to figure those nuances out, but personal healing is the most important part of the process in any case.
PERFECT TIMING. I’m anxious and he’s avoidant. We both love each other, but we’re constantly accidentally hurting each other
Yall mines well breakup trust from experience it's never works out with an avoidant. Their the least compatible with a anxious person
How did you "accidentally" hurt each other?
@@sloanmagnum5009 our natural instincts kicking in and hurting the other person without realising. He loves his personal space and can ignore me for days without realising which drives me crazy. But I’m very affectionate I like giving lots of kisses and cuddles so I think I’m being nice and giving him what he wants…but it makes him want to pull away. It sounds like a recipe for disaster. We’ve had several talks about this. We inevitably decide the best thing first us is to just be friends….but we met up recently for a concert and….we’re definitely not JUST friends!! This keeps happening over and over. We pull away to protect ourselves, miss each other like crazy then come back and it’s amazing, but I’m always left wanting more than he can give.
@@sloanmagnum5009 both want intimacy, one seeks reassurance that the partner won't be abandoned and the other pulls away from being triggered by being overwhelmed with emotions cos it's too much so they shut down and distance n push you away
I saw this literally 5 days too late.😢 I understand the end of my spiraling 25 yr love storey now. We both loved each other soo much but couldn't find the problem. Always blaming each other. I've been blocked from all contact so can't share this with the other to hopefully bring closure for them also could've given a quicker recovery. Because I truly care for and hope they find happiness,peace and not feel at all to blame from a problem neither of us where at fault.Sad😢 Thank you for your advice Truly grateful for this Thank you Thank you
After my fearful avoidant partner and I (anxious) had our first fight she went into full avoidant, told me to live my life more and leave her alone. I said "you're right" and did exactly that, and her shocked reaction was priceless. And as you said, it forced her to do the work, realise her own issues and start therapy.
HOLY FRIJOLES!!! REVELATION!!! This is me and my husband. All these years I’ve been wondering why I’m the one who provides all the emotion in the relationship. Phew, I can take a break and need to work on my shadow. So grateful to know this. I look forward to my honey’s eventual awkward emotional proximity seeking behaviors. I’ll be prepared to respond with maturity.
This is so true. As an anxiously attached partner I remember having experienced thoughts like "I'm gonna be so happy and pleased when they allow themselves to need me" and then proceed to feeling disgust when they actually do, and it has been one of the greatest misteries and sources of confusion and shame for me in those relationships
damn bruh i get this shit too
Yeah, that disgust feeling I felt when my dominant ex acted vulnerable one night has always been a mystery, and I also felt shame for feeling disgust. This video is so difficult for me to watch because it is so spot on. I had anxious attachment from early childhood neglect (last of 6 kids, family dysfunctional). I have been alone for 9 years processing all this information that Heidi just sums up so brilliantly and then brings it to another level. I just discovered this channel 2 weeks ago and it is the best source of healing from attachment issues I have ever encountered.
Do you mind me asking for an example of the disgust you felt? I guess I find myself attracted more stereotypical “feminine” traits in a man such as compassion, sensitivity, and less manly traits. I think I need an example because I’m a bit lost lol. Unless maybe it will awaken some part of me that feels the need to be protected in a “manly” man’s arms where I am the wounded one. Who knows!
Chiming in here, I’m curious how you figure that compassion/ empathy is not protective? I could see how it seems less traditionally masculine because men are often conditioned to be avoidant and emotionally ignorant
I know I'm a different person but I've also had a dominant ex who acted vulnerable in a way that led me to feel disgust. They were feeling triggered because I wanted to leave and get space from them instead of having sex. They voiced their discomfort by crying and their open palms. Grasping for me motioning me to hug them or something and I felt just utter disgust the feeling almost turned to anger but I just told them I had to go. I felt very blank-faced not like my normal self at they reacted To rejection by crying or wretching like as if they were sick from me leaving, they had such big spouts of anxiety It led to them feeling sick/sad and me feeling disgusted.@@MT-zm1yb
1:35 👌👌👌 3:00 The Shadow 5:15 Secure Relationships 9:00 Blame Game 😮 10:30 Change 🤔 11:35 Over Function Avoidant 13:30 Over Function Anxious 15:55 💯 17:25 Healed Attachments 18:35 Frame & Fantasies 20:35 Dynamics🔥 21:10 Five Questions 😮 24:00 Traits & Triggers 26:15 Embodiment 27:10 Secure Couples 28:55 Mutual Growth 29:50 Deep Focus!
I swear, your videos keep getting better and better. You go in-depth into relationship dynamics and healing from trauma in such an eloquent, detailed but easily digestible way for those that may not have access to the same educational resources, that not many content creators in this space can pull off. Thank you so much for everything you do! Keep it up!
Completely agree! This young woman is a treasure!
Exactly! I told my mom to not miss a single video of her about anxiety, not judge by her apparent age... it just seems some people age wisely sooner and are really good at putting the inner details into words!
Wow, absolutely MIND-BLOWING video on what's really behind the anxious avoidant trap. This also explains sooooo much why I, as an avoidant-leaning fearful avoidant, have always been so terrified of showing any vulnerability to anxious types, despite them claiming they want that. They may think they want that, but until they are more healed, they *don't* actually want that, and will in fact often respond to it in hurtful and/or belittling ways. On the flip side, what you said about the comfortable position of the avoidant just hanging back while everyone comes to them and not actually wanting to lose that role even as they complain about it because then they would have to risk vulnerability and potential rejection is so, so true, and so relatable. I also absolutely loved your metaphor of the drunken couple who finally wake up sober and then have to figure out whether they even like and want to be with the person across the pillow from them or not. Sharing, and bravo.
I've come to realize that I have never been emotionally attached or available in any of my romantic relationships or friendships. I've always been there for them emotionally but never let them in. It's no wonder that break ups are a breeze. I never realized that I was deliberately seeking partners I never loved due to intimacy issues. Intuitively I knew I didn't have a strong connection with them or love them. Now I know the areas I need to focus on. Thank you for the video, information, and advice. It has been profound. ❤
Wow sounds like such a waste of a life. Never being attached to anyone on a deep level. Fear of pain prevents real love from even occurring.
Wow that really frightens me that there was never any love but just being used because of availability
@@desertdog8006 She is vulnerable in her words, and let us work on not shaming her because she wasn't aware of her issues until just now.
@@smokingcrab2290 it's a painful lonely existence and it comes from either having been manipulated so badly by a narc, or other trauma from severe mistreatment
Probably the hardest hitting video yet. Thank you for your work. I owe you so much.
I’m in exact situation right now with my wife. She is anxious attachment and I’m avoidant attachment. I been listening to your videos all day yesterday and today. Your insight is magnificent. Currently my relationship is on the rocks and it’s been very difficult. I feel so emotionally stunted all the time. My emotions are so so deep inside me, if feels like a Abyss and I can’t find my emotions. That’s how stunted I’m. Your work is giving me new insight on how to integrate more of my shadow. I have a lot of work to do, thank you for your insight. It is greatly appreciated.
Is it because showing emotion will be used as a weapon later?
@@chasingblue8952 yes. I grew up in a Hispanic household. When I cried in front of my father he would say “why are you crying, I will give you a reason to cry.” So I would immediately shut down. Also my parents constantly compare me to my older brother who was not good, he had a rough up bringing. I was constantly being told that I’m going to end up like him. There was a lot of angry arguments between my parents. I’m sure there’s much more to it.
Can I ask you a question? I am anxious, my husband is avoidant. I assumed it was the anxious partners doing the research and the avoidants following along, dragging their heels. But I seem to see a lot of avoidants commenting. Are avoidants equally determined, but just not as open about it? Or are the abounds commenting the anomaly?
@@infolater91 I’m very determine to change my behavior and patterns. I been like this my whole life. Growing up in a Hispanic household made me this way. I remember there would be moments I show vulnerability to my father, he would get upset for something I did (Gets angry very quickly). He would say to me “you want to cry, I will give you a reason to cry.” Also the constant fighting, name calling, telling me I’m going to end up like my dead beat brother. Hearing those words constantly broke me inside. I literally just shoved my emotions so deep I can’t even find them myself. It’s been difficult opening up, I realize if I want to change I’m willing to put in the work. I got myself into therapy and got a book about my attachment style. Your husband has to do it for himself, like i’am. I want to change for “me”, not for my wife, for me. I know it will make me really happy. If I keep my distance with my wife, I know for a fact I would do it to our children, I will not let them go through the same emotional trauma i went through. I want to break the cycle. I’m so tired of letting people down, constantly over and over. I feel a great shame at times. What your husband needs to do is allow himself to feel these emotions. He needs to allow the pain to come through, he’s going to mess up and that’s our biggest trigger. Messing things up and we just shut down. He shouldn’t do that, he needs to be soft with you. When he is soft wit you, you become soft as well. When I broke my wife heart, I wasn’t just breaking her, I was breaking my heart as well. I’m acknowledging my shadow, the good and the bad, I feel the bad seeping through the cracks in my relationship. Your husband knows this too, because I would ask myself after the fact “why did I say/do this?” Your husband has to accept the fact he is going to be wrong, sometimes, and needs to learn how to take the constructive criticism. It’s going to hurt a lot and he should allow himself to feel those feelings because if he doesn’t, he will never understand your feelings. Every one is different I just have the courage to admit I fuck up, I know I did, the road ahead is long, I’m willing to put in the work because I want to be in a happy living secure relationship. Also give him words of encouragement, my wife doesn’t say them to me much anymore and I know the answer to that. I eager to hear her words, her words give me so much strength. One thing he should do is not expect anything like a pat on the back or a at a boy. He should do things that would make him happy. He should listen to you more and he should remember small details about you. That’s where I would start. Everyone is different though. Hopefully he just accepts himself for who he is and put on his big boy pants on and face the music. It’s going to be difficult but he can do it, and if he truly loves you and cares about you. He would do it, even if it scares him to the core. I would suggest therapy too, I’m currently in it at the moment. I crave for That deep human connection. Never felt that. That’s my life goal to feel more and say more about how I truly feel about myself or something my partner said that upset me. Communication is key, because guessing people’s feelings is pure chaos and torture, and that’s what exactly I was doing to my beautiful wife. Almost pushed her away completely, never again. I’m willing to change, but someone people aren’t and you have to prepare yourself for that day to come too. I know I have. Sometimes things just don’t work out in our favor and that’s okay too. Just want her to be happy, even it isn’t with me, because I truly care and love her that much. Sorry for the long rant.
@@chasingblue8952 yes my previous relationships were like this, but not this one.
1:55 "it might get you a relationship where you're not triggering each other as actively. that's not the same thing as healing the relational dynamic." another gem, true to my life and well put. I've been desperately trying to avoid triggering my partner in hopes that this would help our relationship to heal.
I dont' know. I dated a severe avoidant for four years. I was patient and understanding. She could never talk about anything even semi deep. I had never dated an avoidant before. All my last relationships have been from outgoing, confident women so I do not think I gravitate to avoidants. From my take of the relationship, she could not handle emotions communication. I tried to tip toe around her attachment methods and approach at a "safe" method. But it never worked. We tried couples counseling. I found the counselor talking to my partner 90% of the time and trying to help her heal her wounds. Not saying I am perfect but at least I can actively recognize, understand and express my feelings which is like number one in any relationship.
I was in the exact same situation
@@cassandragrayes6149 I wish you the best of luck. Unfortunately, for most avoidants, their behavior is hard wired since childhood.
4 years Wow I thought avoidants would leave way before that
"At least I can do xx" is such an accusatory and unhelpful thing to say about somebody. Clearly your partner had some trauma and needed to work through it, but comparing yourself and implying that recognising feelings is the very least you can do is just a very insensitive way to frame it. I hope if anything, these videos teach you that a lot of people's attachment styles are rooted in trauma and are subconscious. I wanna give credit to this woman for attending therapy and trying. I hope her next partner has more respect for her internal struggle.
@@spozbucket I appreciate you sharing your opinion. However, she never once admitted she has unresolved trauma. We attended couples therapy as per my request. She did not want to attend and shared hardly anything during our sessions. The therapist focused the majority of the time on her as she could tell it was her avoidant ways that were detrimental to our relationship. I did have respect for her struggle. I saw it from the very beginning of the relationship and tried everything under the sun to help her. The only way she could open up was after a few alcoholic drinks. But it was short lived.
0:50 "where a lot of anxious/avoidant couples end up is in this place where they're both trying to change the relationship dynamic through convincing their partner to change themselves or their attachment issues." awesome! this rings so true, for me. thank you for putting this into words. I live this tension, for better or for worse. I'm denying this my own 'need' to convince my partner to change her avoidant attachment, but right past the denial, the need remains.
Hi Heidi ❤ What you say makes so much sense and it puts responsabilities fairly on every one. I love it. I love that it applies to my relationship to my narcissistic soon to be ex wife. I heard so many videos on how narcissists are absolute evil and the other party is just a naive innocent victim. The truth is she is severely anxiously attached and I am mildly avoidant. So when I started to change as I wanted to discover true intimacy, she became massively triggered. But I was ok with my role of savior and regulator until then. I have to admit that her not being as regulated was attrative to me at first as it highlighted my strengths. I have my share of toxicity in that relationship. Now that I think about it, choosing somebody more dysregulated than me made me feel good, superior and secure. I was hiding my own toxicity in that relationship because I would have excuses for my behaviour. Being with someone healthy would have triggered my shame and I would have run away as any typical avoidant would. I have so much to own in order to grow. Thank you for making me aware and giving me tools to deal with it. ❤
Are you confusing NPD with attachement styles? These are two very different things. An unhealthy attachement style doesn't signify narcissism. As a matter of fact, narcs do not form real attachements to people, they don't even see people as human beings, and are constantly operating a facade. When you see the glee that narcs experience after freely abusing/humiliating you, and how better they feel with your misery, then you'll know why they are called evil. I suggest not calling your ex a narc if you don't know what narcissism looks like.
@@imenehaupt7197 I have experienced pretty much everything a relationship with someone with NPD can offer (sleep deprivation, constant blame, daily gaslighting, switching victim and abuser, heavy manipulation, threats, physical and emotional abuse, double standards, financial dependency even when I was the only one working and so on). So I believe I'm quite qualified to call my ex a narcissist. I don't try to justify the pain they cause. I'm just saying they are Stiller human. To get supplies, a narcissist still needs to connect with people (even if it's in a twisted way) so I agree with Heidi that attachment styles also apply to them. They act sadisticly to feel power and no longer feel their own sense of shame and unworthyness. I got discarded when I started to work on myself and started to yearn for a more secure relationship so I can see how those two relate. If as a narcissist, you feel like you need to constantly manipulate and threaten someone for them to stay with you, you are the furthest away for being secure. Lastly, researches have been made about how NPD is formed and the most relevant factor (apart from personal choices) is the behaviour of their parents : Overcaring about achievements, undercaring about emotional ŵorld. If that's not childhood trauma, I don't know what is.
So did you get divorced or did you work things through?
@@srugel44 Unfortunately, she refused to acknowledge her responsability in our lack of emotional intimacy so we had to part ways and get divorced. I was willing to work things through but she insisted that I was the only one to blame for the failure of our relationship and that she didn't have anything to correct.
@@imenehaupt7197 I thought I had responded but I don't see my answer. I experienced the mistreatment and the glee you are talking about. I went through heavy manipulation, sleep deprivation, financial dependency even when I was the only one working, constant blaming and so on and so forth. I'm by no means excusing narcissistic behavior. What I'm saying is they make evil acts because of wrong choices and not because they are inherently evil. I know my ex wife childhood story and I know for facts she has attachment issues. The differences between me and her is that since being a teen I'm trying to own up to my mistakes and give back the guilt that doesn't belong to me while she internalized the shame and guilt and use bashing others to feel better. So I'm not saying she is a good person, I'm saying she is human and 100% responsible of how she turned out.
Awesome. My wife and I have read several books but they have been vague with the actual healing of this dynamic. This was direct and easy to follow. Thank you.
I’ve not commented on many videos of any type. But this video was a “lightbulb” moment for me. You just explained how a lot of guys lean towards avoidant begin to become vulnerable, their female partner whose more anxious now loses attraction because they then see them as “needy”. Wow! 😮 Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! A lot of this makes so much sense, and how I need to work on myself. Edit: I’ve saved this to watch again and it’s just such a good video.
This is putting to words something I've observed happening in myself while trying to heal my anxious-leaning attachment (I'm disorganized so it's a slightly different flavour, but definitely anxious-leaning). I do sometimes overcorrect into feeling the disgust you mentioned - largely disgust that's sprouted from resentment. I think it's not just "I'm so not okay, how can you rely on me?", but also when seeing my avoidant partner begin to acknowledge and change themselves: "I have spent months, maybe even years, trying to coax you out of your shell so we can inter-regulate - and _now_ that I'm finally learning how to be independent and self-reliant, is when you come to me with vulnerability? Dude!!!" 😂 I love that you pointed out to introspect 5x harder on oneself than on one's partner. Sitting the resentment for the time spent knocking on their door, making peace with the times those knocks weren't answered, forgiving myself and them for how we coped - this seems to be the answer. It'll take some time but per usual, appreciate the ways your video challenges the core of how we behave so we can change for the better!
This comment strikes me as such a raw and honest look into what healing these dynamics actually looks like. I appreciate you for sharing it and am cheering on your progress 🙏💛
I relate hard to your comment. I hope you don’t mind me asking, but do you have any tips on “making peace with the times those knocks weren’t answered”? 5 years of unanswered knocks have left their mark and while I’ve grown a lot during that time and don’t get triggered nearly as often as I used to, I still find myself stuck in (emotional) flashbacks in my less resourced moments. It’s frustrating, I feel I can be proud of my growth and achievements 90% of the time and respond from a present and balanced place. But then my nervous system recognizes something and a flashback hits and the accumulated pain of all those knocks hits me like a truck and I’m right back to reacting from that place of past pain. I know I need to process the pain I suppressed but the things I’ve been trying don’t seem effective. If you have any suggestions to share I’d be forever grateful! Wishing you peace, strength, and healing on your journey!
I too have the same situation
You just explained my situation 😢 Imagine after all 5 years he couldn't commit but now that I have done the work on myself and my AA I feel more secured and confident that I can live without him ..boom he is like babes I promise you this time everything is OK I can commit to our relationship,I will stop seeing other girls ....I am literally not in mood to play along anymore...not interested in his bullshit of a commitment when I needed it badly u couldn't commit then why now boo??something fishy going on with him🤔
Thank you, this was really helpful for me. I am the avoidant in my marriage and everything was okay until my mother passed away. I think that brought a lot of my vulnerability to the surface and I tried so hard to avoid dealing with it and emotionally shut myself away from everyone - including my children. After a few months, I realised that I can’t keep living this way and have been stumbling awkwardly ever since. It’s been 4.5 years and I only feel like now I can work on myself and my triggers, but I also lost my father last year and I think that caused a different level of grief I wasn’t anticipating. Maybe I had been working on myself and now I was faced with vulnerability but didn’t want to run from it, so I had the emotions and didn’t know how to respond to them. Like you said “these are skills you are developing” so here I am developing new skills and the awkward stumbling until they are mastered.
Thank you so much for your videos. Not only do I watch many of them over and over, I also take notes. It's amazing how much I've learned not just about myself but others in these past 6 months I've been following you. Two minutes in, you explained exactly what was suggested to myself and ex when we went to counseling. It made things worse, it just felt like our differences were further magnified. I regularly make my teenage daughters watch your videos because I do not want them to make the same mistakes I made for most of my adult life. Your explanations are so well organized and delivered in a simple, clear way that anyone can understand. I wish these sort of topics were taught in high school. Once again, thank you so much.
Exactly. Although I’ve been reading a lot and watching several videos about attachment styles, her videos somehow are the best imo.
I echoe all this appreciation for Heidi’s work. Back to watching more!
I really needed to hear this. I'm an avoidant with another avoidant in a 7 year situationship rollercoaster. Off and on cycle. I'm currently doing my healing and scared to death to have this conversation with him bc he will see me differently. I love him and I think he loves me all the signs are there but no one tells each other and we use sex for closeness. No kissing or cuddling. I decided I'm going to risk it and tell him how I feel and hope he dont get triggered. If it dont work out I feel strong enough to be ok and deal with that emotional pain.
He will see you more deeply and you will find out nothing to scared. And he will love you even cuz he will understand❤❤❤
the only way out is the only way in
I wish I knew about attachment theory, attachment healing, and shadow work during the latter part of my 11 year marriage. Putting in this work might have saved it and healed our marriage. Unfortunately, bridges have been burned, and she’s moving on with someone else. You live and learn, I guess. I just wish we learned this sooner. 😔
Don't beat yourself up. Chances are both of you were too burnt out to be in a place to fully sort it out. It takes a lot of time to heal as individuals and in marriages you're constantly being asked of. Not easy to catch a break. Life has a funny way of working things out, maybe you found this video right when you were ready to heal. There's no shame in that. It's clear that you did your best and cared a lot, otherwise it wouldn't still be so close to your heart. I hope you're being kind to yourself. You deserve love and to be happy too.
Can you reframe this perspective to who can you give your new knowledgeable self to? Does it have to be romantic? Can it be someone else?
@@janetholmes Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. I will.
@@abzdudy1 You’re absolutely right, since my attachment wounds affected how I showed up in every other type of relationship in my life. I was always looking for whoever I had an emotional and relational connection with to take care of me in the end and make me feel as though I’m okay. The healing version of my self can be given to anyone now. I don’t have to give off the same energy of anxious attachment or codependency that I previously habitually did. Being more presently attuned and in the moment with anyone has been a mutually enriching experience. Giving that version of myself to anyone in any kind of relationship has been a new and amazing experience.
@@abzdudy1 Absolutely! You’re right. And I have been able to show up differently after much attachment wound healing to different kinds of relationships and social and relational situations. It’s great because I’m not forcing anything, and I’m starting to be the real me. I’m still healing certain wounded parts of me that I’ve pushed in my shadow. And what shows up after is a more honest version of myself that I don’t need to be ashamed of anymore.
THE REAL TEA!! it is so spiritual! 4 years in and it took shadow work that lead me to channels like this to close cycles in my life. I still have my days but what I used to feel safe in doing- my attachments now feel repelled and dare I say.. repulsive? This could just be a good period im in though so I'll check my comment back in a month 😅
Hello anxious sister! I need to know are you still on the up and up😂😂
@@janatomlin1296 I am 🥹 thank you for asking! And you?
Thank you so much, Heidi. I don’t know a better way to share a question for you other than in the comments, and you always ask whether we have questions, so…here goes…I have some questions about self-regulation (apologies as I know this is tangential to this video): I had no concept of emotional self-regulation or co-regulation before you introduced them. I am now at the point where I can sometimes recognize unhealthy self-regulation and shift gears, but often I'm stuck with, okay, what do I do instead? Some questions that come up for me are: - What are the signs that you need regulation? What are the signs that say "Hey, stop what you are doing right now and self-regulate or co-regulate" vs. the signs that say "um, no emergency at the moment, but it looks like you need some self-regulation or co-regulation on a more regular basis, like, this weekend"? - How do you know when you are regulated? What are the signs that you are regulated and can say "good job, self!" Or for the anxious among us, so you can say, "It's okay to relax; you don't need to take action right now”? - What are some of the classic useful tools for healthy self-regulation and what does that look like for an insecurely attached person who is trying them out as tools for the first time? Would you share with us a list of possible things, or at least a list of what things tell you that something is working as a good tool for self-regulation? - Would you tell us more about some of the common debatably-effective-but-best-replaced tools for self-regulation? It's especially hard to reach for new tools when you're triggered. So being able to recognize the less healthy tools and look instead to a list of healthier options could be helpful in those moments. I would appreciate help building that awareness. - When we're a little ways into this journey and have a few healthy self-regulation tools in our toolkit, what happens when one or more of them is suddenly unavailable to us? Encouragement for developing new self-regulation tools, a bullet list of tools to try, and a reminder of why it's worth persisting to find new tools for this would be helpful. I wish there was a video from you that I could replay to remind myself of other tools and how to switch gears and and continue self-regulating when the old tool isn't working or isn't available. A sort of menu of possible healthy options could be helpful. - Why do we need to co-regulate, not just self-regulate? What does co-regulation give us that we can't give ourselves? Or does it? What does co-regulation offer us that is better than self-reliance? What are the psychology and biology behind it? - What are the things to look for to identify a person who will be a healthy co-regulator (or co-regulation partner?) Especially when we know nobody is perfect, what are the big clues that someone is or isn't a good person to co-regulate with? - And what about co-regulation with pets or nature or other non-humans? Not sure if that fits into your philosophy, but it might be helpful to hear if it is. I want to be sure you know the world is waiting eagerly for this one! Maybe you've already thought of it or made it. I hope so. If I'm ready for (and, truth be told, hungry) for it, I'm betting I'm one of many. Thank you again for all you do. I know it's a pretty loud chorus saying this already, but I'll add my voice: Your work has changed my life, and my relationship with myself and others. I will always pay it forward, and if you need anything, let us know how we can give back.
These are both very potent and super clearly articulated questions! 🙏 I’m pasting them all into a word doc to see what I can come up with in the way of future videos around these topics. Stay posted 😊
@@heidipriebe1 Amazing and very much appreciated. Even watching today’s video, I was thinking, if I’m going to attempt to integrate my shadow traits, and it’s going to potentially destabilize my closest relationships, I’d best be prepared for stronger self regulation in the wake of that change. Deep gratitude always!
Great questions! In the meantime you may find Deb Dana's work helpful. I have her book Anchored and that's all about regulation in the context of polyvagal theory. Easy and accessible.
I would really be interested in hearing Heidi's response to these questions! For me so far, telling whether I'm disregulated or regulated is difficult, but I always know that I am definitely disregulated when I begin thinking specific thoughts that are a pattern I can recognize (because I've thought them so many times before). If I have any thoughts like, "It's not safe to speak, no one cares what I have to say, there is no room for my voice", I know for sure I am disregulated. At that point, I make the decision not to give into that story and I try to create a new one that has more threads of reality in it. That's as far as I've gotten with identifying my own disregulation and re-regulating but it does work whenever I can catch it and go through the exercise before I respond/act.
I never have these problems in my relationship with my dog & I am very content in this union. Woof
Full avoidance - just get a dog! Woohoo! 🎉
@@falconlips5474/ lol
😂😂😂
My avoidant just got a dog who has become his world. Now I tell him I'd be treated better if I was the dog. Sad.
@@a.d.b535 To be fair there are a lot of people who feel more connected to and trust animals more than humans. I wouldn’t take it personally if someone I cared about and expressed affection towards a dog, it’s healing for them. You’ll push them further away with that insecurity. You could embrace the dog with your avoidant and do things together that involve the dog.
The more I watch these videos the more I realize that I’m actually secure but my avoidant partner is triggering an anxious attachment response that I have previously healed. I was confused for the entire time and I wished they taught us this in school so I could have been more receptive of his needs to actually give this a proper try.
OH MY LANTA!! This is me and my boyfriend. The Lord has been healing SO much in me already but it is so amazing to know why I get irritated more towards my avoidant man. I was the anxious side. We both are growing, and I truly believe we’ll be whole together.
How did you started healing?
Praise the Lord!!!
Omg this was the best video ever. I never truly understood why avoidants are avoidants and why anxious are anxious until this video. I feel like I now know exactly what I need to do. Thank you thank you
I lean anxious and have been on a healing journey for about two years now. Lately, I have been experiencing confusion around my desire to drag my feet in finalizing my divorce. When I am thinking clearly, I am proud of myself for the success I have had in separating from my husband and learning to take care of and defend myself. So, I didn't understand if there was maybe something I was missing that was causing this gut feeling that I should wait longer. Watching this video today finally drove home what I have been hanging on to - the comfort and safety I found in my avoidant partner that fulfilled my childhood savior complex. It also drove home that what I am/was seeking isn't real, but just a signal to continue the deep work of healing. It really was the missing piece for me. Thank you so much for making this video.
So did you get the divorce or work things through?
@@srugel44 I got the divorce. What I was seeking from my husband was the love I wasn't giving to myself - and that didn't make a good basis for a healthy relationship.
Heidi, you’re like the all-knowing sister I never fuckin’ had - we love you & you’re so awesome.
Omg this is EXACTLY what and why my fiance and I have been bumping heads(more then just that) lately. I could not understand how we have both been in classes and therapy and working on ourselves and separate places and the separate counselors we both grown and not better on our own but trying to come together and be together it seems like there's more conflict and intensified stressed than there ever was in the first place
This is one of the best, most helpful videos on the topic of a relationship between these two opposite types. I can 101% relate, and appreciate the advice.
I feel like I have gone down a rabbit hole. I found you a few months ago and realized immediately that I am avoidant leaning anxious/fearful. I am a grown adult and recently had a altercation with my parents and daughter. I was watching a video yesterday which led me to Rebecca C. Mandeville you tube channel. I have not stopped crying since. After watching many episodes on Family Scapegoat Abuse, I am finally able to see what happened. It is so validating to have a name for it and no longer feel crazy. They used Darvo on me the other day and I literally lost it. Then my dad said to my mom, "You can't talk to her right now, she has gone into a manic episode" (I am not bi-polar). I am still here to work on the relationship with my husband but the can of worms this opened is going to take a long time to sort out, and goes far beyond him and I. Thanks for what you are doing. Even though it is very painful to see the truth, at least I can move forward now. We have kids and we are very committed to them. So we will try our best to get through to the other side, as a couple and family. The dysfunctional family structure is still in play and grown. I am feeling a lot of grief today so I guess that is a good first step.
I haven’t even watched yet but know it’s going to be priceless
Finally, a solution! I've always heard, "You need to work on..." but they never give an answer. This video totally clicked with me and helped me understand a lot! I also love how you say the same thing but in four different ways so that I can understand your message when one or the others don't register. Thank you so much!
Certain aspects were incredibly insightful. Ex. Clunky display of emotions by avoidant can evoke disgust in the anxiously attached person, the power dynamic and also focus 5X more on self:) Thanks Heidi!
I watched one of your videos late at night and suddenly I was crying very intensely, the way I cried when I was a child. It took a few more days and tears but I’m good now. I’ve never been good. It’s like I woke up from the longest nightmare. Everything is so nice and exiting. It’s what I wished things could be like but I thought it was unrealistic, that life just sucked in that way. Even if you tried everything and worked hard on yourself, things are just not supposed to be so enjoyable. And now! Even the job I disliked a week ago is fun, because I don’t need to get something out of every interaction. I now I did a lot of work to get here, but your video about shadow work triggered this massive change and I’m very grateful for it. From the bottom of my heart thank you for the work you do❤ I hope a lot more people get to see it and get to live a better life!
Thankyou so much. You are a Godsend whether you are a believer or not. You have literally unlocked a Christian couple’s gridlock which was causing a huge amount of distress 🙏🏼
I'm so glad you articulated how people with an anxious style are triggered to experience their shadow when they see their avoidant partner express vulnerability. I've been feeling lost and frustrated at how healing my avoidant style has led to a few connections with people with an anxious style ghosting or leaving the friendship. It also helps hearing how that feeling for them must be similar to my shadow side when I try to be vulnerable. Really amazing video 💖
This is one of those videos that came out exactly while I'm going through it, and I have been doing shadow work to heal it, which has helped immensely so I can't agree more with this approach! Plus, the bonus is even if you break up the shadow work will still help you move into the next phase of your life.
what to say...found this video too late. i don't wanna believe that it would have solved our problems, but it probably could. i was anxious, she was avoidant. i felt unwanted, neglected etc. and started to feel resentment because she said she loved me in words, but i just could not feel it, or her actions made me feel disconnected. i am deeply hurt about the breakup, feeling guilty even, stupid and weak. but i just could not live like this anymore. it was a mutual goodbye, with lots of tears, hugs and kisses. i was toxic too and i think i hurt her too :( life is cruel for having fucking attachment styles that repel each other. that is just so sad, you find a person you connect with, fall in love, make dreams and then some stupid attachment style and childhood trauma shows up and is like "nah". I wish she find happiness and support and health and love. i am grateful for everything, even for the breakup.
I'm so curious to know how this dynamic works if one ot both partners are disorganized/fearful avoidant attachment style which carries both Anxious and Avoidant traits.... lovely and helpful video, hope to get one on this too 😊❤
'so we have two people literally living with their own shadow.' Wow that really kicked in!!!
Does that make them whole?
@@bourbon_sketcher if only it was that simple...
@@petervanhoorn6199 So much then for 'opposites attract.....' :)
Wow. Great video. I went through this shadow healing work with my partner. It took us 10 years with the help of a well seasoned therapist who does this work specifically. We have a bit more to do and have recently decided to stay together after assessing our compatibility. We are both a little sad that it took us so long as we are both in our early 60’s-but better late than never. Thank you for your wonderful and precise explanations- you are so thoughtful and helpful.
I must say I highly appreciate this video. I’ve watched a few videos on “avoidant & anxious attachment styles”, but none really went into details about how to actually *SOLVE* the issue and the problems that come along with doing so. They just explained the styles and left it at that. I love mirror/shadow work. I love evolving and becoming a better lover because I didn’t learn true love growing up. I did have love in my life, but the love I’ve been learning to incorporate into myself the past 5 years or so, has been challenging but life altering and I’m grateful for the opportunities to see life as it should be viewed. Thank you again for this, Heidi.
Today I made the call to end a relationship with my avoidant partner. Previously I'd always let him be the one to end it, believing that I always wanted to hold out a ray of hope and it could only with me showing I was willing to do whatever it took. But I am realising what I need. As well as the healing and learning I need to to I also need a partner who is more communicative and less critical. I'm also learning that I'm fearful avoidant but turn anxious in these situations, which I've found so confusing. It's also so bizarre to me trying to understand what an ideal relationship would even look like to this avoidant as it looks to me like more of a hookup than enything real. Ready for less of that and more feeling whole whether I'm with someone or not ❤ and standing up for myself and knowing my worth is the step I need to take.
I did that 7 days ago. Longest 7 days of my life. Wishing we could do the work to bring us together. It takes both working. Best wishes to get through the initial stages of aloneness.
Heidi, your videos are life changing for people struggling with these issues. I found your channel a few weeks ago and I have already made big improvements thanks to the tools that you give us. Have you ever or could you ever talk about “imaginary audience”? I experience it a lot with the object of my limerence, always thinking they’re just around the corner or they’re in the car next to me on the road. If anyone can help I think it’s you! Thank you for everything you help us with!!!❤❤
I think you are amazing. Really. There is a chance you've saved our relationship in the long run, putting things in such a magnificent, emphatic yet logical way (ironically enough, maybe thanks to being on the avoident side... I know the feeling of having a laser like, cold logic, minus the emotions). I'm definitely an avoident type myself, and he is more of a "I'm not ok, you're ok". The problem is that whilst I'm now trying to make sense of my emotions, he expresses even more anxiety and overthinking than ever. And then we are collapsing back to our regular not so supportive relationship, where the only thing we are doing later, maybe a lot later (after another mutual silence treatment) is just "hugging it out", never talking about what was wrong again (until the next bump on the road). I'm wondering how not to trigger him into a panic mode. I believe there is some clever way of empowering him in the light of my weaknesses, making him feel like the protector, but... I'm not sure how to get there (it was this way at the first few months of our relationship, and then just collapsed into mine and his usual way of acting. More like the way we're acting around our parents).
This is an amazing breakdown.
I love this video!! (spoilers for Sex Education) I notice that the dynamic between Mr. Groff and his wife Maureen in Sex Education displays this really well! Mr. Groff has to get in touch with his vulnerable and emotional side and Maureen has to gain some independence from him in the time they’re apart. When they come back together, they clearly both have found a balance in their avoidant and anxious attachments with each other. Thank you for this amazing video Heidi!
Exceptional as always!
Hey Heidi! Great video. My partner and i have separated and I found out about attachment theory shortly after we broke up and the only thing I could think at the time was how late I found out about this and how it could have potentially saved our relationship. Now that I've been trying to heal myself I realized that the break up, although was very painful, was the best thing I that could have happened. I was completely unaware of how I showed up in relationship (anxious). I truly felt that could do no wrong because in my heart I just wanted to love and be loved. I realized how depleted I was and how i was literally outsourcing all of my needs. I'm dealing with the shame and embarrassment of it all but also accepting that I'm a flawed human who is now taking responsibility and accountability for my attachment.
I'm going through the same thing. Realizing how we were in an anxious/avoidant relationship. If I knew all this before maybe things would have been different but I'm not sure he would have tried to look into himself like I am right now. This video is so important because I also feel that just giving space to an avoidant wouldn't work. It has to be 2 people working on it. I gave space and we just grew apart. 🤦🏻♀️
Spectacular video well done 👏
So much admiration for your work!
You explain things SO WELL! Thank you 🙂
Truly an eye opening video
This has got to be the best video I have ever watched about healing the anxious-attachment dynamic and the individual attachments. Thank you so much for this. It has been a 3 year long journey, but this has been far more insightful than all the work i've done in therapy, and all the videos i've watched over the course of years.
You're light to us out here 🥲🥲🥲 thank you ✨
Absolutely brilliant! Thanks
Profoundly insightful. Thank you.
Appreciate finding you
Awesome video. Thank you
Wow! Amazingly explained. Thank you!
Heidi, YOU are a gift!
This is amazingly spot on 👏
Thanks so much for your work Heidi.
New (grateful, enfp) subscriber. Great videos!
Hello Heidi, its so fascinating comparing you to your older videos... you present so differently. You cone across guarded, cynical and rebellious in your earlier videos. You now feel peaceful, intelligent, wise, friendly, open and interested in life. The transition is living proof that you have transformed... which means that if i watch ur videos and do everything u say... maybe I could transform... and maybe in less than 4 years! 🎉🎉🎉
So good. Thank you Heidi.
Another wonderful video. Thank you Heidi.
The best video I ever saw on that difficult dynamic. Thank you so much ❤
You're the best teacher, thanks.
Fantastic video. Thank you 🙏
Absolutely awesome video
This is so clear and helpful. Thank you 🙏🏻
Wow, this was a fantastic description and it made a lot of sense to me. Thank you!
Best vid ive seen on this topic. Really helpful, thankyou.
Great info! Clear to understand. Thank you!
Thank you! It’s very helpful 🎉
Heidi!?!!! Where are you? Please continue making videos please 🙏
Thank you for your work!
wow this was ABSOLUTELY deep... much respect
This video gave me chills. Thank you for your brilliant words!
This video was so helpful! Thank you
Omg ! Thank you so much! Very helpful!
Man this stuff is so hard to think about. Thank you Heidi. ❤
Thank you for the insight. It was a great video.
Thank you for your work. It is extremely insightful
Fantastic, relevant insights. Thank you!
Your content never ceases to blow me away! Thank you again ❤