Don't Believe These Myths: Debunking 5 Misconceptions about NPD
In this video, Dr. Ettensohn addresses 5 common misconceptions about pathological narcissism and NPD:
1. NPD is not a mental illness
2. NPD is not treatable
3. Even if NPD is treatable, actual healing is impossible
4. All individuals with NPD are abusers
5. People with NPD change their behavior behind closed doors, so they can't be mentally ill
Using authoritative mental health resources like the American Psychiatric Association, American Psychological Association, National Institutes of Health, and the Domestic Abuse Hotline; as well as reference to peer-reviewed literature, Dr. Ettensohn discusses each of these misconceptions and why they are mistaken.
*I apologize for the focus issues in this video. They only became apparent when I was editing, and I was coming down with laryngitis so I couldn't re-record.
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Cited References:
Alexander. (n.d.). Abuse and mental illness: Is there a connection? National Domestic Violence Hotline. www.thehotline.org/resources/...
American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Washington, D.C.: American Psychiatric Association.
American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed., text revision). Washington, D.C.: American Psychiatric Association.
American Psychiatric Association. (n.d.). What is mental illness? www.psychiatry.org/patients-f...
American Psychological Association. (n.d.). Splitting. APA Dictionary of Psychology. dictionary.apa.org/splitting
Cooper, A. M., & Michels, R. (1988). [Review of Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders (3rd ed., rev.)]. American Journal of Psychiatry, 145, 1300-1301.
Freud, S. (1914). On narcissism. SE, 14, 67-102. London: The Hogarth Press.
National Institutes of Health. (n.d.). Information about mental illness and the brain. NCBI. www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NB...
Ronningstam, E. & Weinberg, I. (2013). Narcissistic personality disorder: Progress in recognition and treatment. Focus: The Journal of Lifelong Learning in Psychiatry, 11(2), 167-177.
Thank you so much for this very grounded and well-researched video. I want to thank you for not vilifying folks with this condition as their behavior is easy to vilify and their personality hard to love. Thich Nhat Hanh, a Buddhist monk, said, “When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help." Your videos are a pathway to sufferers having hope for this type of help.
You are doing such a good job in spreading a more accurate understanding of a disorder that is more frequently than not misrepresented. Thank you!
Thanks! ☺️
I am heartbroken as I recently left a 28 year marriage to a person I believe has NPD. He refuses to see and take responsibility for his issues, etc. and just tells me everything is MY fault. He has had interpersonal fall-outs with so many people, friends, co-workers, etc. He is going to be alone if he won't seek help. I have deep compassion for him because I know his family origin and how/why he has it. The good thing is I have come to see my own pathology/codependency and have gotten excellent therapy (Schema) and am healing. I just wish the same for him.
I have a similar experience. Now 1,5 yrs divorced after 37 yrs miarrage. I have kept trying everything I could. I gave him my all. I so wanted to love him and make it work. But there was really no way he would let down his harnass. Everything was my fault, and I believed that. He denies, projects, hides behind a wall of word salad, argues over everything, wins at any cost. I so believed in his goodness. I gave all my love and empathy, but he really can't be vulnerable. Nothing can be discussed. Everything is drenched with shame: him projecting shame onto me. I absorb the shame and feel totally worthless, while he walks away proud and relieved and energized. After 1,5 yrs I am still a psychological shamble while he is happy with his new girlfriend. Why would he want to get treatment to change his ways? His projection works to protect himself, and he doesn't feel any empathy for my suffering. So the crux is not if npd is treatable, but whether someone with npd would want to grow and work on themselves. He was a good man in so many respects; it could have been so good. But he had to treat me with contempt and hostility to protect himself at my expense.
Well, that doesn't mean he has NPD. Maybe he's just an unrelatable jerk...
@@karindegraaf246I know that doesn't really help but my heart goes out to you. ❤ I hope you can live your life , do something with it in spite of this!
@@lanaivanovic5272Thank you ❤
@@karindegraaf246 I agree with almost everything you said. The only thing is he is not happy with his new girlfriend. He might feel a little better because she is clueless as to who he is underneath the stoic facade. He is getting some good feelings from her positive attention that help his ego maintain itself. But someone with NPD is never very happy other than brief periods of delusion like in the beginning of a new relationship. Even as he runs away from you, he can never run away from himself and his low self-image underneath it all. Not unless he goes and gets help from a good therapist like the one on this channel. He made you feel miserable because that's what he feels inside. It's not fair. But it's also not realistic to think he is now all of a sudden happy. Whatever the image he puts forth, it's another facade meant to prop up his fragile ego. I was thinking EXACTLY how you said in your comment and then one day I had a mutual friend swing by out of the blue just to tell me that my ex and his new girlfriend (he cheated on me with and posted intimate pics and words all over FB page) are now doing hard core drugs and he's losing business from his irresponsible behavior. The friend was done with him too as my ex was burning all his bridges now. Here I thought his life was good and I was struggling with the mess he left. Turns out I was on the upswing mentally and he (and her) were spiraling down. He had so many people in his corner helping him with building his business and he collapsed from the pressure of expectations and internal conflict. I don't know you or your ex, but I'm sure he did not have a psychological overhaul because he met someone new. I know this doesn't take away your pain and I'm sorry about that. But at the very least I hope you know that it's an illusion to think he is happy while you suffer. You actually have the better chance of healing and recovery because you are actively educating yourself and hopefully engaging in healing practices. My heart goes out to you. The pain of betrayal is unimaginable.
My mother had histrionic and narcissistic disorder and she split me all the time. One time she called me all good things and being nice and kind, next time, after an hour she called me a monster. As a child and even a grown adult I couldn't understand what happened and that it wasn't my problem. But as she continued doing it for 30 years I ended up with split personality where I thought about myself as (almost) fully good and then a fully evil monster, a villain. I couldn't grasp of who I was, and even was I? Was I even real? Do I even exist? That was a common question, and I'm still recovering from her.
❤️
@lisakaler4121 - What was the question? I saw someone recounting a difficult and confusing time in their life. They wondered if they were even real because they were treated so inconsistently. I thought the best response was to let them know that people care, and that their experience was heard. Maybe you saw something different.
Your videos have helped me so much with dealing with my own narcissistic tendencies after experiencing trauma… I feel so much less like a demon. Thank you.
Thank you so much for putting this information into the world, having access to this is helping me so much to understand myself and my mental health for the first time in my life and is the first time I’ve felt like I actually have the right information to heal and finally have hope that I have a brighter future. Please keep it up, people need this.
Will do.
Thank you for this video and channel. Being a narcissist in therapy it helps me and gives some hope when I encounter some compassion towards people with this condition. Moreover given the fact that a humane perspective on this condition is rare in the media.
And what have u learnt so far?
Playing a victim as usual, even more now. That manipulation always works for them.
@@madamebovary2829 Here’s a novel idea: maybe don’t assume the worst of an absolute stranger just because they share a trait with someone who hurt you
@@madamebovary2829not really empathetic from you. This person you don't even know is putting an effort to heal, and you're spreading hate towards them because *someone else* hurt you.. guess who's the abusive one here? I suggest you to look for your own traits of narcissism as you could be surprised, a lot of "empaths" who always look for a scapegoat to deflect blame have unmanaged npd themselves, and the fact (let me guess) you had a relationship with an abuser doesn't mean it's not possible to have npd, as this disorder is not even about abuse. Clearly you haven't even understood what this disorder is about. Basically you came here seeking for approval by invalidating the experience of someone you don't even know and then you have the guts to call them a manipulator.. sounds familiar?
@@madamebovary2829stop projecting
21:15 This is so true. I dated NPD, and in the love bomb stage, I scared him by telling about a health crisis I was dealing with. He fainted!!! I was so worried and helped him to get back on his feet (he didn't fake it. He literally became white and lost his balance). In the beginning, I was wondering if he cared so much about me that he responded that way, but straight after that the devaluation started, and I realized looking back that I broke his NPD brain while he idealized me.. Like a little kid finding out Santa is not real, and I'm not perfect 😅
Lol what. This is the first time I'm hearing something like this.😅
I’ve actually been trying to sit down with myself and figure out if I have any narcissistic traits. This channel is helping me figure out what.
Generally speaking, even just the willingness to ask yourself that question indicates that you're not a narcissist in the clinical sense. They aren't introspective because of the mechanism of the disorder steers them away from looking inside with critical intent. Usually the first time they hear about narcissism is in a therapist's office after they have been coerced into meeting with a professional. Everyone displays occasional flares of narcissistic behavior. Selfishness or unempathic attitudes are intrinsic to being human. It only becomes a disorder when it's a daily occurrence that persists in all relationships and environments, and it negatively impacts the person's life. It is very healthy to take a look at your patterns with curiosity and honesty, trying to spot places to create positive change. If you do see patterns you feel are troublesome, working with a pro to determine your best course of action is a kind, brave, healthy thing to do. Things that look like narcissism can actually come from a variety of disorders, so it's conducive to recovery to find the label that leads to the right treatment. My father is clinically diagnosed with NPD and ASPD, so I know what it really. looks like, and I myself have CPTSD and ADHD, which can also look narcissistic at times, but his treatmentand mine are far different. I guess I just want to say that I encourage your journey and if you're questioning yourself, that's a level beyond where most narcissists dwell in daily life. Whatever brought you here, I hope you find relief from difficulties and always know you are a being of worth, deserving of acceptance and positive regard exactly as you are.
@@weaviejeebies Sadly, that thing about being introspective enough to wonder if you're a narcissist disqualifying you from being one is not only a myth, but it is a very damaging one (along with the myth about them having no empathy), as it so often discourages or denies people with NPD from getting or seeking the right kind of help. Even many professionals subscribe to this myth, which is a tragic oversight. And though I am not at all invalidating your experience with your father, I must remind you for the sake of the original poster, that you know what NPD looks like in your father- not in everyone with NPD. There are many variables and and even comorbidites that make presentation differ greatly by individual.
I spoke only from personal experience, which does extend well beyond my father, and the good intention of encouraging them to seek a professional opinion. The tendency to not engage in a great deal of introspection isn't particularly mythic to me in the population of professionally dx'd pw/NPD that I've met. I'm not a mental health professional or a mind reader, nor have I met every flavor of narcissist out there, but in the many I have met, lower than average levels of self-reflection are present to varying degrees in all of them. Not a single one of them can I imagine actually browsing KZhead to dig deeper. If they would, the people I work for would have a lot less to fret about. Pw/NPD have a hard enough time as it is getting through a regular day without their defenses kicking in to steer them away from self-accountability. What brought OP here could be narcissism, but it could also be a lot of other things. That's why working with a qualified professional is the right thing to do.
@@weaviejeebies Yes, that's a clarification on personal experience that the OP might benefit from hearing, thank you. Low self-reflection is not synonymous with never questioning if one is a narcissist or has NPD. (And food for thought- not being able to imagine any of the diagnosed NPD folk you know ever browsing KZhead to dig deeper is not proof that they haven't done so. It just means that the way they have presented themselves to you and maybe the public, etc looks as if they never introspect or find fault in their behavior. Many, if not most NPD folk beat themselves up internally and introspect through a quite negative self talk lense...they just try to hide it from the public and limit when it happens because that lense makes it incredibly unpleasant, if not abusive to endure. It explains the reluctance, and even suppression via alcohol/substance abuse. All of us do and think and feel many things that some other people wouldn't assume we do. Assumptions are not facts, no matter how factual they feel.) I personally know 2 who did question it after several years and a few failed relationships with women who accused them of being narcissistic. Inevitably, in low moments, they began to question logically- that perhaps multiple people in their lives were on to something. It's much more common for NPD folk in vulnerable states to question and seek help. So the most important thing- which has nothing to do with you nor I- is that nobody struggling with NPD ever gets discouraged or accidentally led away from the right kind of help, or from seeking a diagnosis from a WELL trailed therapist. (1 of those 2 friends I mentioned suffered for several extra years in confusion, on his own, because of the "If I'm asking, I must not be one" myth. And he is lucky to be alive today because he is/was very high risk. Regretfully, and admittedly, I used to be one of the friends who mistakenly consoled him with that introspection myth. He'd been misdiagnosed as BPD yrs prior, which wasn't helping him nearly enough- thus reinforcing his feelings of failure and brokenness. I wish I had known then what I know now about NPD.)
@weaviejeebies From my experience this is not true. Every person with NPD I know, including myself, are always asking themselves: "what is wrong with me?", we are our worst critic. You should always mention that you speak from your personal experience, you don't speak the absolute truth. Please remember that we are human beings, we come in different shapes and forms.
I am so happy to hear this. I know someone who I believe is being helped. He tells me how he feels, not always flattering to himself, how he is working on changing those feelings, etc. He is a good person who has known a lot of pain, is reflecting in his therapy and will continue therapy. It is hard enough to be dealing with NPD in oneself without being discarded and viewed as worthless, ruthless, and incapable of living a good healthy life. None of us is perfect. I feel badly because I listen to people online who have good intentions, who are trying to protect me, leaving me fearful of my friend and his intentions. I was concerned because he says he feels we have a future together, but we are not moving forward. I have been told to be patient while he is in treatment. He is in my prayers. Thank you for this video.
u should be aware of their process and also trust ur gut, but u prolly shouldnt listen too much to people who dont know ur friend specifically, especially since ur friend wants to improve
Thank you for your response.@@alpha5873
No one else I knew needed help. I did not know he needed help for a number of months. He had contacted me to say he liked my online replies to people because he thought I was making a difference. He said the world is a mess. We continued to talk, but still have not met. I am very cautious. I will wait and see how he does.@@henryhandel
narcissists will fake and lie to get what they want. Shocker. Stay safe, people.
@@theKZheadHandle - _"Devil's advocate"_ You know who else, will? Pretty much, everyone... Have you heard of _'masking'?_ People can't take other's power, that others don't first, give-up, or allow it. (obviously, it's more nuanced, than that). As an ex-victim, continuing survivor, and looking into my potential (and some realized), narcissistic-traits - Protect yourself, without attacking others... otherwise, it's just another day of war, and no peace... Thank you, sincerely. ☮ 💟 🤗
Thank you for your clarity. Your videos are extremely useful and helpful.
This is my favorite video of yours!! I am interested in the possibility of pwNPD feeling new emotions during treatment. I recently saw a TikTok where someone claimed people with NPD have a hard time feeling joy or contentment, and struggle to mourn, and bothered by apathy. Is it possible to heal and learn these things? You addressed it a bit in the video but I would love to learn more :)
Hello! Thank you for this video, always love to see new content from you, Dr! ☺️ just wondering if you would be willing one day to discuss anything about 'as if' personalities/quiet bpd (though i know this isn't an official term) Or anything on schizoid dynamics? And lastly, anything on erotomanic /limerence would be so greatly appreciated. Best wishes!!
Thank you for this. My sister has covert NPD and as she has aged (now 75 years old), it has gotten much worse. At my insistance, she did go to a therapist once as she was feeling depressed, but her behaviour continued to worsen to the point that we (her family) have gone no contact. What percentage of people with NPD actually seek out, then remain, in therapy? Is it more successful for younger people with NPD as opposed to older individuals, such as my sister? Her behaviour is so entrenched and continues to worsen, so the possibility of her benefitting from therapy are practically nil as she will not accept that dhe needs help. Her grandiosity will not allow it.
I got diagnosed last year with level 1 ASD - female profile, but sometimes I doubt my dx and I think I may have a personality disorder as well/instead of. I thought HPD earlier this year, but I think the attention-seeking part is not severe enough. I relate to a lot of what you say about NPD, the vulnerability and difficulty with self-esteem. I just find it so confusing because I feel like I’m not allowed to question my ASD dx. If I decided to tell my questioning in the ASD support group, I would get responses like ‘No, you are not an evil narcissist, you’re a beautiful neurodivergent person’ etc. Seems like it’s quite hard to differentiate the traits of the two. For example, idolizing can be construed as a person having a specific interest. And in my eval, they did not do differential diagnosis to rule out personality disorders. So I’m left wondering 😢
Cathy if you have the feeling not being happy with your diagnosis, trust your gut. Look for another mental health provider. Personality disorders are not that common and are very difficult to diagnose, especially with covert NPD. Good luck 🍀 ❤❤❤❤
@@ginaqc78 thank you for your answer. I actually have a psych eval on the 23rd :) I hope it will be a comprehensive evaluation, not a checklist that anybody can find on Google 🫠
Autism and NPD often can be comorbid as well, I have both. Makes sense considering that NPD stems (mostly) from trauma, and trauma is prevalent in autistics in higher rates
@@mecurtsum thank you for acknowledging that ASD and personality disorder aren't mutually exlusive.
It is good to hear a sympathetic inside perspective of a narcissist. I have seen narcissism running in families over three generations, so it is also a matter of inheriting it genetically. No matter, how sympathetic one is toward a narcissist, one is always afraid of their manipulation and getting hurt. We should not forget that it is a disorder designed to harm others.
It is a disordered attempt to manage damaged and unstable self esteem. It is not designed to harm others. Thanks for watching.
healnpd: thank you for your time. You are right that this is a struggle to manage self-esteem. However, this struggle inherently involves the manipulation of others. Others cannot be bracketed out. Dr. Ramani and many others warn us and on the other side you with a sympathetic perspective tell us to see their side. In this positive endeavor, you forget the pain inflicted by narcissists on others. It is not a small thing. It destroys people for a lifetime. We need some middle way: to recognize them, give them some space, and also be able to save our mental health.
@@healnpdThank you for spreading your outlook about NPD. It has given hope to all those who are suffering..
I am delighted with your information. Coming from a narcissistic type family including a narcissistic identical twin, you can imagine I grew up confused by actions but full of love and empathy for the unfortunate family members imprisoned by their maladaptive outlook in life. I married what I grew up with. I did a deep dive into understanding all that I could read, just hoping to help us all. My journey has led me to try to show that I do not ever want to abandon them, but I have certain boundaries that can not be crossed. These are simple boundaries of respect and mutual consideration. I have had limited success, but I have encouragement my this broadcast and I look forward to finding additional therapy for us with your out look and understanding.
Good luck Judy. I'm in a similar situation
Once again, thanks for the video. I have a question also. Basically about to years ago I learned about NPD and for me it was an "sounds like me" moment. Since then I found some online NPD communities and I feel like I finally found a group of people who can understand me and who I can understand. The problem is that since june I have started actual therapy and I brought up to my therapist the suspicion that I have NPD. But she says that I'm not arrogan/extraverted enough to be a narcissist. Instead I got diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder, which isn't exactly wrong, but I feel like narcissism captures my internal experience better. Also SAD, unlike NPD, is not sexy at all 😢. At the same time, your descriptions of pathological narcissism sound like they're about me. Could you comment your thoughts about my situation? P.S. currently I do idealize my therapist, even though we disagree on N topic.
Dr. RAMNEY runined me for so long... made me feel like a monster and led to suicidal thoughts constantly. I just kept listening to her and I dove deeper into my collaspe. SO thankful to find heal npd... true understanding and has given me hope.
I felt terrible about myself after listening to Dr. Ramani as well and I was dx npd,hpd once in 1980s. I am not grandiose rather can't read body language and facial expressions. I hear you, I'm sorry this happened to you too.
I feel for both of you and am very glad you found this channel and thus therapists who are actually qualified and able to help you heal. I find that as someone who deals with c-ptsd and has had family and partners on the NPD & BPD spectrum- she does much damage to both NPD folk and their loved ones with very damning, demonizing misinformation. It keeps everyone stuck in blame, shame, and victimization/victimhood. I too, was temporarily misled by her- I didn't fall for most of the demonizing hyperbole, but I was misled into thinking it was a mostly untreatable condition. What an awful, dangerous, and vengeful "resource" to subject any demographic to.
Thank you both for saying this. I needed to hear it.
Dr Ramini is toxic. She's responsible for encouraging people to be abusive which for many narcissists is why they are narcissists in the first place.
This is so accurate it’s amazing. You’re the best
Again logically and clearly presented from an emphatical perspective.
I overcame my strong narcissistic traits in my 30's using a Jungian self exploration method (know thyself) and quit a long standing alcoholism problem at the same time. Ironically, I did it for love. That "love" turned out to be for a covert NPD who fooled me for nearly 30 years. I felt I had no choice but to abandon the relationship, to my eternal sadness. Nevertheless, I very much appreciate your clear explanations, the knowledge gained is extremely helpful.
Hi Dr Ettensohn, What do you think of the work of Sam Vaknin?
That's a good question with a complicated answer. I try to stay away from this topic because I know that Vaknin is polarizing (like Ramani), and I worry throwing my hat too assertively into the ring will distract from the message. There are some things I think he gets right, others I think he gets very wrong.
I'm wondering if some people get ASPD confused with NPD or ASPD with Narcissistic, borderline traits. Black and white thinking is also present in NPD.
So is there a way to let the person know then that you suspect they have this disorder? I highly doubt my husband would take kindly to this information. I would love to get him help but feel hopeless at this point. We are at this point headed toward divorce because of his abusive behavior.
In my opinion, he won't agree to therapy unless his disorder hurts him. Or that is what i have seen. They will exhaust the last of the supplies available, and when they have no more, they sink into deep depression and that is when they seek help. Reasoning with pwNPD doesn't really work imo. Every time you say that your action is hurting me, they usually twist it according to their understanding of how you deserve abuse. It's pretty complicated. Instead of focusing on helping him at the moment, please focus on protecting yourself. If he want to get help ever, you can be there for him. But I believe you cannot make him see the problem with him abusing you, until he faces the brunt of it. Only when he realizes how his actions impact him, will he be ready to seek help and work on himself. You are precious. Take care of yourself. ❤️
I doubt there is. I realised i have been going through narcissistic abuse pretty late into our relationship only because of i noticed a decline in my mental state. I am really a very introspective person and i remember instances which bothers me mentally and emotionally and finding about npd made all the pieces fit right in and i knew what the problem was. I did not know how to confront her about it so i did some research and most of it said its futile and people with npd basically have no empathy. I wanted to belive otherwise and i confronted about my problems and how npd might be the reason for the way she is acting. All she said was that she doesnt care and i can leave the relationship if its bothering me so much and i broke up with her and i asked for no contact. The literal next day she called some old friend of hers and asked him out to hangout to send me a picture of them together and i belive they are dating now. Idk if thats what she wanted all along or just realized she does not have a enabler to her narcissism anymore. It really hurt me when she did not even take a day to replace me. I really hate narcissistic people so this comment might come out as misleading and hateful for a large group of people w npd but i am trying to tell this from the side of a abused person. Trying to tell her about it was where everything went downhill for me and since that day i have never felt safe getting into a relationship or even talking to anyone new. If it werent for this chanel i would not even consider them as humans.
I'd love a video going more into devaluing cycles, and a video explaining what a narc crash is, I never seem to understand what that means because it doesn't make sense to me what it is, and I see different explanations every time I look.
Do you mean narcissistic collapse not crash? There's a lot of information on narcissistic collapse online if you look it up
This video is awesome. Your channel is helping me with my progress so much. Thank you for all the info
Great to hear!
The popular view on narcissism is really little more than hitting an aggressive dog and then wondering why it doesn't change, let alone "heal".
I often hear from family members who want me to somehow scold or punish their loved one into ‘health.’
No, it isn't. We are not dogs Bad example and bad analogy. But if you insist on keeping this track, mad dogs are put down.
I know it's a bad analogy, that's the point I was trying to make. Sorry if I was unclear. @@Wasp239
I agree that the popular view of NPD is super toxic and disempowering, as well as incredibly counterproductive. Like a physically abusive parent beating their kid to "teach" the kid not to hit other kids at school- which only exacerbates the problem and inflicts more abuse on an already hurt child...I assume that's the kind of analogy you spoke of. The "scorned victim" and "narc bashing" culture being promoted these days is damaging to everyone on both sides and keeps everyone stuck in a place of pain and paralysis.
I don't think people understand how bad NPD is , until experiencing it firsthand, I admit I was utterly clueless on the condition, until dating a woman with NPD. It was only until after the relationship, feeling utterly bewildered, I jumped online and everything made sense
I’m really thankful to have found this channel. My interest in NPD started as something I wanted to research for a writing project to see if my character actually had it or not. In the process of my research, I did notice a heavy trend of how people portrayed everyone with it as monsters etc, but it really hit me when I was trying to look into personal testimonies from people with NPD who may have converted to Christianity. (I wanted to know what that journey would be like and how they might perceive such submission to God when the grandiose features were most of what I was aware of) And with those set of search terms, I ended up finding a lot of people who claimed a genuine conversion from someone with NPD would be impossible. Now that is something very troublesome to see considering Christianity is for everyone, especially sinners/lost/broken/downtrodden and etc. So the notion that a lot of people felt this way stuck with me considerably. It is so troublesome and dark.... But since it left such an impression on me, I’ve kept looking into NPD here and there despite already figuring out that my character likely doesn’t have NPD (though sometimes I’m still unsure the more sympathetic things I learn). I kind of just dealt with peoples weird and dehumanizing comments during my poking around, but very recently I found one person with clips on yt who implied having success in treating NPD and who was very kind about them. I was floored! And because I kept looking at that, this channel started being recommended as well. I’m so glad there are people who are helping people with NPD. Even before I knew much about the harder realities of suffering NPD, I thought it had to be so hard to go through if you wanted help, as it would seem like the whole world was against you. It’s great to know there’s not only some quality resources for people suffering NPD, but also a lot more hope than I realized at the start of my research
In your experience, what is the statistic of successful treated NPD? With such hope, I feel better about this mental illness!
Hello, Mark. Is flinching/wincing at someone else's experience a sign of empathy and does it suggest a good prognosis?
Well, that depends. WHICH experience are you flinching at?
@@benya14-bo5rx I forgot to specify: Pain
what is healing with projection and making it conscious in the therapy? is it afterthought, when the client thinks about it or what exactly is it? or is projection a mere hinderance for growth and the client must see that he is doing that?
Thanks for educating us. I'm envious of your talent for expressing nuance.
I agree, he is very gifted.
Thanks for your feedback and for watching. 😊
Amazing video. Thank you
I would love if you make a video about how to approach life as someone who has been diagnosed with NPD. I´ve been going to therapy for almost 2 and half years, I can see some improvements, but relationship wise, its not great. Im very superficial and I use my partner as an extension of myself, therefore they are never good enough for me. To be fair, I never even try to approach girls who I would really like, because my life is very boring and I dont think they would be interested. I keep avoiding stuff and I keep running into my man cave because its safe. Im able to "bulshit" girls into my life, I even tell them right away I have this problem, but they usually jump right into the relationship with me disregarding any warning I gave them. I usually start a relationship with "this is not going to work" in my mind, right from the start, because of the reasons Ive mention earlier. I was even considering I would just be alone, but I need my "narcissistic supply" somewhere, otherwise I fall into depression, because I dont see my friends and Im mostly alone. Im looking for ways of how to be of use, more than of being a leech.
Can you refer me to someone who understands NPD as you do?
Can you please consider to cover the topic about the differences between narcissistic personality style and actually narcissistic personality disorder? Thank you.
@wasp239 - This one discusses it: Are you a Narcissist? kzhead.info/sun/gbqJlJp9ppyrl2g/bejne.html
Have you ever tried Brain Spotting therapy on NPD patients?
I don't know why do you think that being shy justifies some pwNPD. They can be as hurtful as overt one. Sometimes probably even more. And their quite and shy facade is deceptive. also, I can understand it's a mental illness, but in personal contact with them when you state they hurt they can just parrot, literally repeat your words and that's all. Yes. As stupid as that. I'm talking about my father only
Have there actually been patients you have treated that have healed and are no longer narcissists?
As stated in the video, personality is organized around central conflicts. In the case of narcissistic personalities, the conflicts are about self-worth and self-esteem. An individual with a narcissistic personality style will always have those central conflicts. The part that can be meaningfully changed is the extent to which those conflicts cause disruption to the person's life and the lives around them. Significant reduction in interpersonal distress and antagonism, emotional and mood dysregulation, impulsivity, aggression, and the use of reality-distorting and boundary-disrupting defenses like projection and splitting is very possible and I have seen that in my practice. It is possible to no longer qualify for a diagnosis of NPD and I've seen that in my practice. Thanks for watching.
Thank goodness for you and your MUCH needed voice, work, and practice! (And I say this as someone who has been partnered with a good man who suffers from vulnerable NPD) PS: I would love to see you offer a video addressing intermittent reinforcement from both sides of this NPD manifestation, and hopefully some tips for both parties as well. If and when you have time, of course. Thank you.
Thanks for the suggestion, and thanks for watching. 🙂
@@healnpdYou're welcome. I very recently found your work and am waiting on your book to be shipped. Your perspective finally made sense of this illness for me. I have plans to start school next yr focusing on fusing psychology and holistic nutrition- and now this really inspires me to broaden my understanding and aspiring training to the full scope of treatment for cluster B disorders as well.
Best of luck in your schooling. 🙂
Very helpful x
Glad it was helpful!
THANK YOU.
This video respond to a doubt that in have. What is really possible to accomplish with people with NPD? Because I use to have unrealistic expectations in the sense of "cure". As you said, the concept of cure comes from medicine an it is mostly the idea of remission of symptoms and the elimination of something to bring homeostasis. I'm not diagnosed with NPD but I can see clearly N traits and a boderline dynamic underlying it. I also clearly see me as cptsd. I had the impression that I have asd because of my social difficulties but I suspect that some cptsd traits can be similar in appearance as asd caracteristics, dissociation for example.
the doctor is really hot goddamn
😳
Every time I get disheartened about modern discourse around narcissism I see one of your videos and get a little more hope lmao. Great video as always!
Thanks!
Yeah it's really nice to see accurate, balanced information.
My NPD father would be the very first one to call absolutely everything you say in this video BS because “there is nothing wrong with him and you are just an over educated quack trying to convince him he has a mental illness” And there in lies the problem. All the understanding in the world isn’t going to convince somebody with NPD that they have a mental illness and need help. In fact they will likely resent you for it. So while it is theoretically treatable it is practically impossible in the real world where the actual abuse survivors live because for every narcissist that actually tries getting help there are probably ten thousand abusing their scapegoats behind closed doors.
Generally, personality disorders are characterized by inflexible adherence to maladaptive thoughts and coping strategies that the person doesn’t recognize to be problematic. This makes all personality disorders difficult to treat. Difficult, but not impossible as long as there is buy-in from the individual.
Excellent video, as always!
Thank you! Cheers!
Good video Dr. Ettensohn. Couple things I’d like to say. One, I think part of the issue is when people become attached to a diagnosis. People can have a narcissistic adaptation, and it can improve later with treatment and hard work. The label they give themselves can become a self fulfilling prophecy if they hold on to it too tightly. For most people with a personality disorder, their time would be better spent working on their behaviors rather than defending the labels. Not all people with personality disorders are abusive. However, many people with personality disorders are indeed abusive. They may not be abusive because of their diagnosis, but they can still be abusive. I think people who have been abused can have their experiences validated and be told not all narcissists are abusive. I always say, behaviors are more important than labels. If someone is mistreating others, doesn’t matter what their label is. And if someone has a personality disorder, best you can do is work on it and don’t worry about what others say about it. In fact, your diagnosis isn’t really anyones business unless they are very close to your life. Now the people who have these adaptations and aren’t aware of them or don’t get help, not much for others to do in that scenario.
Again, such a wholesome perspective. One that holds the person's humanity at the center. Thank you.
❤️
I like your videos. You are very articulate and you shed a lot of light. I don’t agree that victims of narcissistic abuse are punishing the narc abuser into their bad behavior. That is what I am hearing you say. Most of us were clueless as to what the hell is going on with this person. We didn’t even know about NPD. We just endured the relentless attacks while we ask ourselves “Why is this person always mad about something?” “Why do they assign negative thoughts and feelings to me that actually never occurred to me.” “Why the hell won’t they believe me when I tell them my ACTUAL feelings and thoughts?” We can’t help them and they definitely don’t think they need help. So what next? There’s nothing else but no contact. The advice given to the abused is to save them, not to make the point that the narc can’t be helped. They just can’t be helped by us!! It’s ok to give up hope on them. In fact it is crucial. I thank God everyday I did.
Thanks for watching. I'm at a bit of a loss concerning one thing in your comment, about the victims of abuse punishing the abuser into bad behavior. That is certainly not an opinion that I hold, and I can't think of where in the video it may have seemed like I was saying that. To which part are you referring?🤔 I do believe that many online resources collapse the complexity of this disorder into narrow dichotomies. I get why they do that and even agree that people who are trying to leave an abusive relationship often need conrete perspectives to help resolve their own indecision. I don't think people should stay in that place, though. My content may not be suitable for someone just poking their head above the surface of an abusive relationship.
Thank you for your response. I can tell that you are coming from the perspective of hope for treating narcissistic people and I can appreciate the importance of your perspective. Our society needs hope for these broken people. Thank you for your work. My only reaction to your content is that I suspect that your experience is not from the viewpoint of the victims. Almost all NPD content that is out there online is for the victims. So it may seem like narc bashing and that is not helping your cause. A good cause! But we need the help so badly! There’s just some verbiage in the video that makes it sound like victims should give narcissists a break and that is precisely what keeps us locked in with the cycle of abuse in the first place. That’s all. And to be clear, I am 10 years out of my narc experience. So it’s not me just getting air after the horror of it. I am well into recovery. I care about this topic from a victim perspective and you are here to find help for NPD sufferers. We are on the same side thank God. ❤
It is treatable but not curable. If anyone is managing it with out harming people around him or her. That person deserves sainthood no questions asked.
true if i told the narcs i know they will think that i am insulting them and there is no way they cold be narcs it is impossible for them to be narcs what a lost cause it hurts sometimes to know my mom and sister has this i gave up them changing
It’s always nice to see you’re videos❤
thank you very much. you are doing a great job here and helping a lot of people. really thank you!
Glad to help 🙂
17:14 this is a good point, that, it also means, having a mental illness is not an excuse for abuse or abusive behaviour.
This is interesting. Those of us who are dealing with a likely narcissistic personality at work need tips on what to do so that person begins the healing process. Based on my understanding of NPD from your videos, they will reject literally anything that goes against their sense of self, so how would they ever begin to seek any self driven or clinically driven treatment?
I am no expert, to be sure. But it seems to me the real dilemma in treating NPD is the narcissist’s insistence that it’s everyone else who has the problem that needs to be fixed.
Yes, this is also true for some other personality disorders. The symptoms/issues tend to be egosyntonic, which means that the person doesn’t see them as problems. Instead, there is a tendency to believe that everyone else’s behavior is problematic because it doesn’t meet the individual’s preferences/needs/expectations. This dynamic is not limited to NPD.
@@healnpd I agree. But what seems to distinguish narcissists is this seeming inability to hold themselves accountable. A person might be forced to take a good hard and honest look at him/herself through some crisis or other but people I have known (I have no credentials to officially diagnose) to be narcissistic would seem to be incapable of doing this.
That’s true for a number of other personality disorders as well. The difference with NPD is that in a collapsed state people with NPD are actually more likely to take a look at themselves. This may or may not be a long enough window of opportunity to get established in meaningful treatment.
@@healnpd Your message gives me hope but I am not optimistic. Having gone through hell any hope of reconciliation was relinquished by me long ago. But maybe in that final moment when the narcissist experiences the ultimate “collapse,” as we all will one day, amends can be made to the Creator. As humans l think we all deserve that.
where have you been? Love your videos!
Thanks. In addition to making these, I also have a full practice and an academic job. It's hard to find the time. I'm working on making it more of a priority. :-)
@@healnpd I see, well, hope to see more of you! Take care!
I'm sure my ex would get treatment for his NPD, just as soon as hell freezes over.
All very interesting & helps me to understand why it is so easy for them to discard once it has gotten to the level of doing so. They are splitting and unable to comprehend that all human beings have both positive & negative qualities and are but a mix & mash of them all. To them a person is either all bad or all good and there is no room in their minds to accept that both the negatives and positives co-exist within us all & are part of everyone they choose to interact with. With this type of disorder every relationship they have is inevitably doomed for failure as they seek perfection in others but ignore their own failings or even take the time to self-reflect or hold themselves accountable or responsible for anything that has taken place. Which may explain why they have an inability to genuinely apologize for many of the disgusting things they do to gain advantage while they lie and do much damage to others without regard for them. Label it what you want but even the disorders are often a mix & mash of the disorders themselves. I personally have dealt with people who display more symptoms of BPD or CPTSD than NPD in my own life or at least that is my belief. Thanks for sharing this.
This is the best channel on NPD. Can you suggests ways of helping someone with signs of NPD who might not be aware of them? I want to share my observations of them with them so that they can talk sooner about it with their psychologist but I know that would be crossing boundaries and might cause more damage than help. Thanks so much for your work.
What about the healing of their victims they have traumatized, maybe even for life? 😢
@7prudent - This video isn’t about healing from the trauma of having been in an abusive relationship. It is about common misconceptions concerning NPD.
"NPD is not a highly visible disorder. The dysfunctions tend to be somewhat concealed behind a facade of high performing charm and affability." I recently looked up world-wide suicide rates in adolescents aged 15-19. A few things struck me. One, the suicide rates don't seem to show the kind of variation one would expect across developed/developing nations. Two, one factor that seemed to be hugely implicated was shame, the same factor that's prominent in NPD. So my question is the following- suppose there is a link between adolescent suicides and NPD, and that in future, people are able to identify it in adolescents, early enough to make a difference, and to save young lives. Wouldn't the current attitudes that demonize narcissism really stand in the way? I can't imagine a kid being able to handle this label.
I regularly receive emails from people around the world who are experiencing intolerable anxiety because they recognize that they have narcissistic traits and are terrified by the stigma of having NPD. It’s not just that they are afraid of social ostracization. They are also afraid of *being* the narcissistic monster portrayed in social media. Some actively consider ending their lives. And yes, I’ve also heard from teenagers. We shouldn’t actively stigmatize any form of mental illness.
I find it hard to care about their inner unhappiness, I have been the victim of these people multiple times, they are shocker liars Ann’s and get a kick out of hurting you, so I really do not care about their problems.
First, thank you for this video and channel. I was wondering if there is a link between NPD and maladaptive daydreaming. I would love to see a video about it. Thanks
No, there is no link. Any personality type can daydream.
@@Wasp239 Thanks for your reply. Actually, I was referring to MALADAPTIVE daydreaming. That is, a dysfunctional and intrusive type of daydream. I was wondering if that could be a way to create a false/grandiose self, in order to cope with vulnerability
@@enza3640I’ve heard that maladaptive daydreaming is connected to narcissistic personality disorder. Having fantasies about success, a love interest or things like taking revenge on someone who has hurt us can be something we all do from time to time - but when daydreaming becomes excessive & intrusive to the point that it disrupts our life (we neglect responsibilities etc) it’s definitely maladaptive and could qualify as a disorder. Intrusive thoughts can also be a result of OCD or GAD (anxiety), but in these cases intrusive thoughts are of a different nature. For example, OCD can cause us to overthink or over-plan things, because we are afraid of feeling out of control. OCD is also connected to perfectionism. Sometimes people assume that OCD is only how we act (like repetitive behaviors) but in therapy I learned that OCD can also present as obsessive thoughts. Intrusive daydreaming as a result of GAD often manifests as rumination about life regrets, death/illness, accidents or fear of social disapproval.
Great video. I've seen how different people with NPD diagnosis present and I've seen many recover (or heal). I've seen the misconceptions that people who have NPD are always abusers, do it on purpose and will never change. I remember reading a comment on another video where the commenter was calling for a public register of people diagnosed with NPD. It's really scary how people lash out against those they are encouraged to hate
"do it on purpose". Everybody behaves automatically.
What is the percentage % of Narcissist w/ NPD being actually treated (no such things as cured), where those around them are able to “relax and no longer feel traumatized” by the narcissist with NPD?
@risingeagle6332 - I understand from your comments that you’ve been through a lot with your ex-partner. I think it’s important to emphasize that not all individuals with pathological narcissism are like that. The video emphasizes that point as well. NPD is not a fancy term for abuser, and it involves considerable suffering and distress for the person afflicted with it as well as (sometimes) those around that person. I can’t speak to your individual experience, but even if your ex had diagnosable NPD (I may be reading your comments wrong but it looks like multiple clinicians did not diagnose her), it doesn’t mean that she is representative of everyone or even most people with NPD. That is a major reason that I started this channel. I would argue that the majority of people with pathological narcissism act out toward themselves more often than they do other people. There is a reason that this disorder is strongly correlated with depression and suicide. Vulnerable expressions of NPD are not widely recognized, even though they really constitute the ‘heart’ of the disorder. Grandiose expressions of NPD and even abusive expressions of NPD stem from underlying fractures and wounds in the person’s self. They stem from severely unstable self-esteem. Those issues are the core of NPD. I have worked with many people who have those core issues but are not actively terrorizing the people around them.
I thought about what you had to say a lot. Having known quite closely two different people who I believe to be malignant narcissists. Could they be helped if you could get past their defences? I mean probably but therein lies the problem. Once you get down into that very extreme end of narcissism, the defences are impenetrable. As to the question of evil; some of their actions are pretty indisputably evil. Do actions make the person? Well that is a philosophical question I suppose. At any rate, I admire your optimism and I do believe people who just have some strong narcissistic traits are treatable for sure.
NPD is not just simply a “mental illness”. I know. I was around two people with undiagnosed NPD for 32 years. (Comorbidity with other psychological disorders was present as well.). Nothing I could do. I was constantly misdiagnosed in therapy, since I was emotionally distressed…ended up with Severe Depression and CPTSD. Sucks.) No way to say that NPD is just a simple mental illness. My wife was truly abusive physically, emotionally and verbally. Since I was a male, I was able to manage her at times when she got physical, only to find her escalating. I started feeling that my life was in danger often; many sleepless nights. Again; NPD is just not a simple “mental illness”. I say its a Personality Disorder that is extremely hard and difficult to treat. Curing this disorder is “utterly unlikely”. My wife and her mother refused to be diagnosed properly. Any time a therapist made an attempt; they would clam up or refuse to disclose their results. I was always transparent about my results; anxiety & severe depression and no personality disorder. I found myself alone in therapy constantly trying to get my relationship with my wife to improve; trying to figure what the heck was going wrong in our marriage. My wife always said I was the one with the mental illness; I could do nothing right in her eyes, nor her mothers. Their rages were always over the top.
I don't understand your idea of npd being a mental illness vs a personality disorder. Fron what I've seen, most people with a PD deal with depression and anxiety. Why is mental illness applied with npd in comparison to bpd, aspd, hpd or really any personality disorder? Not to mention it can be comorbid with other disorders.
All diagnosable personality disorders are mental illnesses.
It is not issue of self esteem. It is an issue of subconscious self image.
My life has been ruined by being around two narcissist with NPD and histrionic issues (undiagnosed). I’m still trying to recover from years of exposure to these toxic beings. I have been to over 30 therapist, counselors, clinicians, doctors, psychologist, psychiatrist and so on; not one recognized my wife as a Narcissist. Narcissist with NPD are very destructive. My wife raged frequently and would turn our family life upside down constantly throughout the 32 years of our marriage. Her mother did the same. I was caught in the middle whenever they got upset with each other. I was the ping pong ball between two tornadoes. Jekyll-Hyde types are impossible people and will leave empaths like me utterly emotionally traumatized. Sucks!
You've been to 30 therapists, none of them recognized your wife as a narcissist, but then you watched some youtube video and had your moment of: "aha! All those 30 therapists were wrong and I'm the only one who knows what's actually going on!". Honestly, you don't aound very smart.
@@PasaulioValdovaswho cares, how exactly she was or wasn't recognised? Considering, what she did, you care about how to call her?
Bruh i wanted to do some KZhead research on npd (a ex german Party that changed names to die heimat and now i ended uo here lol)
I don't understand why Narcs mirror you in the love bomb stage. A video on that would be appreciated
They’re trying to fit into your perfect expectations, which they are trying to understand through your words and actions. They want to look like the best person so that you wont end up leaving
@okipullup7202 OK... Mine did too.. But I kept asking too many questions and she could not keep up the facade n discarded me in 6 months..
I was in a nightmare for 32 years with two narcissist with NPD. I went into therapy for years with my wife and her mother. The therapist never diagnosed them properly. I ended up being practically driven insane by them. There is no cure for NPD. If there is, then the Narcissist with NPD will have to stay in therapy and treatment for a life time. Those around them will have to as well. Also, I have not found one therapist during my marriage who recognized my wife had NPD. I have yet to meet a single person with treated (healed) NPD.
You’ve probably never met anyone that got treatment and I’m sure you’ve never met anyone who’s been diagnosed. You hear what you hear online exactly what he’s saying in the video
Its demonic , this should tell you that science doesn't have the answers to everything , science doesn't know about demons so it cannot know how to handle them let alone get rid of them , Say the Rosary and go for Mass , trust God to help you .
@@hix9306 There are always exceptions to the rule. I know of one; he said he has to stay in constant therapy and his wife has to do the same as well, since she is not a narcissist, and has chosen to stay married to him. He was diagnosed properly. He put his wife through a nightmare. I wish my wife would have let herself be diagnosed properly. She refused, and kept me mentally and emotionally twisted up by gaslighting me regularly. There is truly no cure; the awaken narcissist has to stay constantly aware of his or her narcissism while staying intentionally vigilant on a day by day basis. The lack of true empathy and the lack of being able to truly self-reflect and recognize their bad behavior is the problem. They can be taught to learn cognitive empathy, but will typically revert back to old patterns of behavior when they are not staying constantly vigilant. My wife had periods; then she fully reverted back to old behaviors. Her mother did the same. It was like living inside a tornado. You ever talk with Dr. Ramani Durvasula about your perspective?
I find it best to focus on myself and what I need to do. If ur wife doesn't want treatment she isn't required by law to seek treatment. That shouldn't stop u from getting treatment tho
They don’t seek treatment because they are often doing well. Lack of empathy makes it easy to climb the corporate ladder
Narcissist wont admit to anything though
There can certainly be a resistance to admitting fault, usually due to shame.
Interesting to hear a different perspective on NPD. Do you think medication could play a role in treating this condition
Well im bi polor type 2 and ill always have that but its easy to treat....but ill always have it
Hi! I’m curious. Have you discussed your view with someone like Dr. Ramani Durvasula? This is a well laid out perspective you have presented. (I know there are exceptions to the rule; a small percentage may recognize their misbehavior. I agree that a person with PD chooses to misbehave, not because they were diagnosed with it.)
I just started to search about narcissism and NPD after videoessey on Evangelion and Freud... and i am horrified. First - cause i feel i can relate to (mostly cause you, and Nameless Narcissist) and i'm still confused about myself (seriously, like - i'm i mentaly ill... or evereybody is kinda narcissistic in core). Second - that most of the internet makes witch hunt from (it seems) really serious mental condition. PS: If someone will accuse me of being a one, from now i will tell that i have A-hole PD lol
Can’t thank you enough for the videos on NPD! Many other channels on KZhead tell people what they want to hear and is easy to believe. Your content stands out.
I appreciate that!
Easy to believe when you've gone through all of that 🙌 there is nothing to "believe" when you witness it first hand.
The idea of being treated like a human being is extremely appealing to me. Your work here is the backbone of my paradigm of pathological narcissism. Everything else on narcissism will be measured in comparison to this. Also, I might be idealizing you right now. Sometimes I wonder if getting back with people on a regular basis is like going to Church to restore lost faith.
Your screen name is very creative. Thanks for watching and for letting me know you find the channel helpful.
If we know that many believe narcissists are demons with no souls, why would most of us be willing to admit to ourselves that we are narcissistic (possibly NPD). I guess because the only way out of this disorder is to accept and confront it.
Can you make a video about the differences between vulnerable NPD and schizoid PD?
How they are even relatable at all? Schizoids are not interested in exploiting other people. They don't external validation.
I think another misconception a lot of people think is if someone cheats on you or does you wrong that dosnt mean they’re a narcissist. That’s the first reply now
Does or doesn't? Pers, it's not my first thought, though cheating is kind of lame. I assosiate narcissist with certain behavioral patterns (and thought patterns) which include the constant need to distract from one's insecurities and project them onto others.
Treatable doesn't mean curable. To my humble unprofessional opinion they have missing or disfunctional Internal Parent. In a way it is missing or unsufficient step in personality development. Traumatized Inner Child with out love and protection of Inner Parent is trying to compensate by creating False Self which should give it protection and supply. While inner Adult just being drugged along by Inner Child with out counterbalance of inner Adult. This is why they so infantile can't regulate emotions on their own and often parentify their children. This is why they go through cycles of idealization, merger and so forth. They are trying to restore balance by projecting absent or disfunctional Inner Parent on outside people. We all born with narcissm as a way to survive being helpless infant but with time Inner Parent emerges and counterbalance and protects Inner Child. Over time it makes personality balanced and self regulated. As result Inner Child is no longer needs rely on splitting and other primitive defense mechanisms.
interesting point of view
@@Wasp239 Narcissm is result of failed personality development process and this is a reason to why it is so hard to "cure" and this also gives hope for better treatment. Heal the Inner Child from emotional trauma of early childhood, fix or reinforce Inner Parent. Teach it how to provide unconditional love to Inner Child. Reinforce Inner Adult and teach it how to prevent merger with Inner Child and being taken over by it and how to live from position of responsible Inner Adult. It is not easy because it requires slow neurological changes but I think it is possible with a lot of effort.
@@Wasp239 Think about it. What is a root cause of narcissm? Relational trauma from dead or unsafficient primary care provider aka "dead mother", which often happens to be a narcissist herself. Where child gets his Inner Parent? It gets modeled after its primary care provider. Result is disfunctional or absent Inner Parent with unbalanced Traumatized Inner Child in control of Inner Adult, protecting itself with primitive self defence mechanisms, creating False Self and constant hunger for external validation in order to sustain that system. And what did we get as result of all of it? Poster child of NPD!
@@Vlad_the_Impalerunderstand. Though I think it's more biological thing. Though trauma certainly adds to that.
@@Wasp239 Not sure what you mean. Child development is half biological half social thing. Behind all our social skills real biological needs and mechanisms.
Since npd is a mental illness.Can a person with npd get on government assistance.
why does your camera keep changing focus? it's really distracting
I explained it in the video description.
Interesting content. Its only treatable if a person is fully willing and constantly vigilant on a routine basis. ************* Most people see “narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic and NPD as being equivalent to a person who is simply “a jerk, asshole, self-centered and selfish”. So many keep using these terms incorrectly. The DSM does not cover the full aspects of a true Narcissist and a Narcissist with NPD. Its missing a lot of content; needs to be updated. The Vulnerable Narcissist is the hardest to recognize, since they appear like “victims” at times and are master emotional manipulators, whom are superb gaslighters. ******* There is no cure for NPD. I wish there was a cure. I watched my wife get worse as she aged. She refused to get properly diagnosed, and I could not find a qualified therapist, psychologist or professional who was able to see through her mask at all; she played the innocent likable victim role very effectively. I would always walk away from therapy and counseling asking this question….”What Just Happened? (Always feeling crazy and befuddled.) 😞
I am almost 100% certain I am a narcissist (still not diagnosed). I recently exited a relationship with an amazing girl and I am suffering a lot at the moment. I want to end it all, I don't want to be like this, I didn't choose this, it is so unfair, why do some people become empaths and others narcissists?? How do I continue with life... I want to be a good person and have an identity of my own. I don't want to be fake and pretend all the time. I don't have any drive to do anything for myself. I am going to therapy but I am not being treated specifically as a narcissist but more as a traumatised person, and it helps me understand some things, but it also makes me believe I am not actually narcissistic, but rather a deeply wounded individual. But that is not the case. Once I come back home and start watching videos, shorts and reading online about narcissism, almost everything resonates with me and what I have done to people, and it makes me feel so anxious and sad. What is the reason to live with NPD if you are an evil person in your core? Even if you are able to manage your behaviours, deep inside you are still a ''demon'', a ''vampire'' and all the other stuff they say, and you will still end up in Hell for all of that.
@alexanderraduan2416 "...it also makes me believe I am not actually narcissistic, but rather a deeply wounded individual." People with pathological narcissism or NPD *are* deeply wounded individuals. I don't think I've ever worked with someone I would describe as 'evil in their core,' and I specialize in treating NPD. Go easy on yourself. Stay in treatment. Stop watching videos about narcissism unless they are from people who specialize in treating it. The rest of them won't be helpful to you, and they may in fact be harmful. Self-compassion and self-acceptance are central to healing from NPD. Acceptance doesn't mean indulging your worst impulses. It means accepting that they are there, forgiving yourself for the wounds that afflict you, and committing yourself to a path of healing and recovery. My best to you on your journey.
@@healnpd Thank you so much! ❤️
@@healnpdno, they're not narcissists because they are wounded. NPD is a defect in limbic system of the brain.
Thank you Alexander for having the courage to be so vulnerable here. If you can endure to sit with yourself and see (quote:)"what I have done to people" , then you are working on growth and change. Because facing these shadow parts of yourself and enduring the painful feelings this provokes, is the path to heal I believe. When you are facing your shadows and you are honest to yourself about them, and at the same time you can accept yourself and have some compassion for yourself, this can help shifting things for the better. The part of you that can observe this, that is the part of you that is intact and good. I hope you find the resources you need, to strengthen the intact part of you, and overcome the shadow parts. Your past doesnt have to determine your future. Growth is always possible when you become aware and you find the courage to face the "shadows". I wish you strength and hope.
@@karindegraaf246 Thank you for your words! I hope I will be able to fight through this!
A person with NPD who is motivated and willing to do the work to get better is a rare person indeed.
Wow, I’m pretty shocked by how misinformed the main NPD youtubers are making people! Grannon for example telling everyone that the Npd sufferer know all the time what they are doing.. and that when they split (idealise) they’re just faking- this is so damaging! Both to the sufferers and the people hurt by their behaviour. The splitting being real makes so much more sense of my experience. I’m not saying that people should use this as an excuse to stay in toxic dynamics, but misinforming about the illness literally stops people from acknowledging their condition and seeking help, surely we should all want people with Npd to be able to heal?
Yes, but how about those who were abused by the ones you are standing for? That was the worst time of my life, and I struggle to recover from covert narcissist every day. Again, the empaths are the ones who are expected to be sympathetic and understanding....after we were abused in the first place
@madamebovary2828 - As I stated in the video, I don’t think the abused/abuser paradigm is very helpful in the long run. Relationships are complicated, as is human psychology. Pathological narcissism and NPD are about faulty self-esteem regulation, not abuse. Like many other forms of mental illness, pathological narcissism can make abuse more likely in certain situations, but it doesn’t “cause” abusive behavior. I’ve specialized in this area of practice for a while now, and I’ve worked with many couples where one partner believes that the other is a narcissist. In over half of those cases, the partner is mistaken. This is caused by the culture of stigma surrounding NPD. People watch scandalizing videos, become grossly misinformed, and end up convinced that their loved one has NPD. The problem is they don’t know what they don’t know. They aren’t qualified to correctly determine what is happening, and they have been misled to think all forms of abuse are somehow ‘caused’ by narcissism. There is MUCH more to say about this disorder that has nothing to do with interpersonal abuse.
@@healnpd I had no idea about NPD until I realized that I was abused and manipulated, thus I had no stigma about NPD-I learnt it from what that person did to me. It is really awful to live through emotional abuse of covert narcissist when they present themselves as sheep in wolf clothes. I get it that some behavior such as ghosting and silent treatments sometimes (!) is a way to escape/avoid possible projected failure - I knew exactly when it would happen on the second round (he got too attached to me, and I could feel that; he told me he felt empty and that he didn`t know who he was - at that second round I was observing him with a knowledge, and it was by a "book"; kisses were too intense, like a teenage boy I had, despite this narc was in his 50`s). But many times, it is pure manipulation. Btw, we still live next door to each other, and he is on hoovering phase again.
@@healnpd"I don't think abused abuser paradigm is very helpful in the long run". No, sir. Then you're on the side of evil. News flash: if someone does an aggressive action whether it's physical offence or verbal, they're an aggressor and they're an abuser. And if someone responds to this attack, they defend themselves. But narcs always use darvo, and so do you. Best response from them would be "it takes two to tango" or "but you too did to me". Well, yes, I'm not going to stand speechless if you are aggressive towards me.
Having empathy for the "victim" doesn't prevent us from having empathy for the person who presents and suffers from narc traits. Having empathy for the "victim" doesn't mean we have to vilinise and stigmatise the person who presents and suffers from narc traits. You are an adult. You are free to leave and should leave any form of abusive and unhealthy relationship, wether it is with a person that is on the narc spectrum, has narc traits OR any other type of person/personality style. Presenting yourself as a complete victim is, btw, a covert narc trait. Also, you seem to want to present yourself as "all good" or "the good one" because you state you are an empath, a very popular trait talked about nowadays by non-professional health practitionners (aka just regular people and "coaches"), but... what does that even mean? being an empath means having empthy which is not a personality type, but a trait most people have at different levels. If you've been abused for a long time, I'm sorry for that, but instead of perceiving yourself as a complete victim of a person who you perceive as the "evil one" (I know you didn't say that), I think you should ask yourself: why did I stay for so long? what is it in my character that made me stay? empathy? or dependance? or people pleasing issues? the need to save others? or the life long feeling that you are a victim? the life long feeling that you can't possibly change your life? a deep feeling of emptiness? low self-esteem? These are all very real traits and issues people have. Once you have your answer, then you should figure out how to change to make sure this doesn't happen again. Obviously, abuse is complex, and very abusive relationships develop over time... there are red flags. Why do some people leave and others don't? You say "Again, the empaths are the ones who are expected to be sympathetic and understanding". This statement sounds like a victim mentality statement... Nobody expects "empaths" or anyone to stay in an unhealthy relationship. You are an adult, you need to take control of your life. Having empathy can be done from far away, meaning your can understand (from far away) that the person is not good for you (and themselves), that they are hurting, because they suffer from trauma, and that you need to find a better partner. Having empathy doesn't mean, staying around, and hoping the person will change, or thinking you can change them. Trying to change an unhealthy partner or staying around is something people who lack self-esteem tend to do. No need to stigmatise, vilinise, and on the other hand present yourself as the good one who couldn't do anything about the situation. Usually, very mature and healthy people don't find themselves in abusive relationship or don't stay there too long, because they see the red flags, know what they are worth, and know they will find someone better. That being said, I understand that some extreme kind of abuse (physical + psychological control) can be hard to get out of, but in these cases (and maybe also your case) people need to seek help, and usually once they are out, they also need to work on healing and work on themselves to make sure it won't happen again... All this can be done without the "I'm all good/the victim vs they are the abuser/evil mentality". Good luck to you on your path!
@@sagebay2803 As I did mention in my long comment, but maybe I wasn't clear enough... having empathy here means understanding the situation... from far away. You can have empathy/understand the situation while not being around, and not wanting to. You can wish them well from very far away. I am paraphrasing myself. I also did mention that some situations are complex. Yes there is manipulation sometimes, but as I did mention "very healthy people" rarely stay in unhealthy situations/relationships... they see the red flags, and leave. I am not saying victims are entirely responsible for what happened to them. Of course not. But often they have low self-esteem, are codependant, seek approval from the first person that shows up... which prevent them from seeing the red flags. This is a YT comment, not a PHD thesis, so there is a limit to the amount of details and exceptions I can include. People reading my comment will interpret whatever they want, and will find a small detail I didn't mention to prove their point if they want to (not saying you are doing that). I think my comment is pretty clear, and detailed. Have a nice day,
everything you said was true! I expirience all of those big time. I did not know what is wrong with me then all of a sudden she have somebody is in our house and tell me she's in a relationship.
almost thought i was the best psychologist in the world, before i saw your amazing well-informed videos. ive been gladly and enjoyably humbled. sincerely, a narcissist
I think you're a good specialist in your field, so don't take it personal, please. Lots of information in your vids and in this vid concludes an explanation that pwNPD are not manipulators, but just are this way because they just are. Next you explain what go in their heads. Ok. I can undersnatd that, and I also read and listened a lot of information about that. Honestly, it doesn't realy justufy their behaviour. Most of their behaviour stems from their delusions. Now what? That's my impression of it. Guys have lots of delusions about themselves and others, they project on others, they take their disappointment in parnters inadequately. Now what? It's not that I don't know it or don't understand it. I know. I understand. That many of that isn't "malicious" manipulation, but... We can say this about pwBPD and other mental illnesses too. I don't know what to say about it except it's natural for people to think about theur own safety first. But narcissists think: "No, you think about me first". And they're the biggest victims always. Also, I'm not on board with the narrative that when narcissists are disappointed in their partners because they hoped for ideal love, they victimizy themselves too. Why do people start putting victimhood on a pedestal that much? They want to be a victim because they're disappointed? Please, let them be. But I don't want to be a victim with them.
NPD is also spectrum and there are different flavors of it.
NPD is a branch of a broader spectrum known as personality disorder. Cluster b has crossover in all its subsets which includes: antisocial, borderline, histrionic and narcissistic personality disorder. All manifested by ptsd in childhood. Cluster b is a coping mechanism.
It's not ptsd. Wtf? Ptsd is ptsd. Or cptsd. NPD is genetic. It's a defect in brain limbic system.
@villi_lapsi2869 - There’s no consensus concerning the cause of NPD. Personally, I see it as a trauma-based issue rooted in the intersection between genetic temperament and early relational experience.
What is so bad about vulnerable or covert narcissist? Their constant dumping of their negative emotions happening at low level and did not trigger consequences. They have more of it because they use negativity to get supply and it gets deposited directly to your subconsciousness with out our realization. They have high levels of anxiety and living with them is like living next to low energy radiation source with out realization. You don't see them unless you are specifically looking for them.
This is a hidden/acceptable form of mental health stigma. Most of what you’ve just said would also be true of living with someone who has a depressive disorder - including the somewhat nebulous concept of “supply.” People with MDD and other depressive disorders often tax those around them heavily. But we don’t tend to villainize people with depression and we don’t tend to feel compelled to wallpaper forums about major depression with warnings about how nobody should be with/live with them. People would immediately correct such behavior, and rightly so. We understand MDD to be a mental illness. We understand that people with depressive disorders need treatment. We don’t mistake their mental illness for a character or moral flaw. I don’t say this to be critical. I honestly don’t think people think about pwNPD as a population that is mentally ill. They are accustomed to seeing all kinds of incredibly abusive comments about this population, and feel like it’s a perfectly normal way discuss them. But many if the symptoms of pathological narcissism can also be found in other mental disorders. People with mental illness tend to be self-focused. They tend to be preoccupied with themselves and their distress. They tend to express these issues in problematic and maladaptive ways. They can be impulsive, hypercritical (of themselves or others), apathetic, preoccupied with feelings of guilt or shame, avoidant, clingy, emotionally draining; they tend to have poor insight, they can have egosyntonic symptoms, they may sabotage themselves or those around them, they may have distorted perceptions, they may be incredibly inconsistent, their behavior may be confusing, they may have secret sides of themselves that they actively hide and on which they rely for coping or to vent unexpressed aggression. They may blow up their marriage, hurt or abuse their children, and abuse substances. They may have unstable moods, emotional disconstraint, and unstable self-esteem. Most mental illnesses are a combination of several of these issues - all of which can also be found in pathological narcissism. Yet narcissism is pretty much the only mental illness that is openly derided for these qualities, despite them being pretty representative of many forms of mental illness.
@@healnpdno, it isn't the same as living with someone with a depressive disorder (and even if it would, so what) Covert narcissists are not sympathetic, they don't have compassion, they're jealous and compete with anyone in victimhood. If you got ill, they will be jealous of you
@wasp239 - I didn’t say it was the same. I said there are common features to many forms of mental illness, yet pathological narcissism is the only one that people feel justified in stigmatizing.
@@healnpd I understand. However people should know about it. Is there form of narcissm which doesn't harm others? Some of them are fairly horrible and dangerous to people around. Yes, it is serious mental illness and it was not their choice. In my family it is generational trauma. I myself suffer from EPD and even see some similarities with NPD. Root cause the same. Different result. I am harming myself. People around benefit. Let's just be fair. Narcissism is bad and how bad it is depends. It is also spectrum disorder. People who realize that, could self reflect through primitive mental defences and work to lessen it are heroes.
@@healnpd Let's put it this way. General public should be informed about it. It should be presented as spectrum disorder. People should know how to avoid it or behave around them. People have a right to defend their mental health. And stigma is result of its prevalents and society becoming narcissistic in nature, because it is being rewarded. It is more prevalent than than schizoprenia. Also their number will grow because of nuclear family, working mothers and higher levels of covert general annexity and depression among mothers.
Yes😊