Healthy Conflict: Marriage & Relationship Advice | Drs John & Julie Gottman on Ten Percent Happier
Jon & Julie Gottman on advice for healthy conflict (marriage & all relationships). Drs John & Julie Gottman say conflict doesn’t have to suck. These iconic relationship researchers tell us how. Even though the majority of the Gottmans’ research is on couples, the advice is applicable to all types of relationships. In this episode we talk about:
- The three principle conflict styles
- Why we often don’t understand what it is we’re fighting about
- Perpetual problems vs. Solvable problems
- Why the first three minutes of an argument are key
- The simple sentence to use at the beginning of an argument
- How to downregulate defensiveness in an argument
- Why the Gottmans’ believe there is no such thing as constructive criticism
- Why apologizing quickly isn’t always the right move
- When a fight might spell the end
Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection is the name of a new book by esteemed guests Dr. John Gottman and Dr. Julie Gottman.
They are the co-Founders of The Gottman Institute and have completed over 40 years of research with more than 3,000 couples. John is the researcher; Julie the clinician. They have written several books together, including Eight Dates and The Love Prescription.
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I adore them. This video should be played in schools on a daily basis. It is fantastic and all families need this info.
We agree!
I absolutely adore the implementation of code words. It's such a good way to cut right to the point, when miscommunication might be actively occurring. "Let your amygdala speak" is freaking beautiful!
Couldn't agree more!
Great conversation and so helpful. Wish, however, I knew all this all through our marriage. It just may be a little too late 😞
Thank you for sharing, sending good thoughts.
Beautifully put, thank you so much for this interview. I would like to say something about the way that she guilts him still. She has a fear she will die, so it should not be his fear as well. He should do it out of respect and understanding for her fear that she has. And she shouldn’t wish for him to also have that same fear. She says something like “is he really loved me he would do it so that I do’t die” and that builds resentment. Of course he loves her, that’s not why he’s foregoing on the task. He’s not of the same understanding that she is. He doesn’t have the same urgency, she feels disrespected because her fear of dieing is not being addressed. 😊
Thanks for sharing your insight!
a truthful interviewer -- calling a spade a spade instead of going with a gracious response that conceals real life toxic dynamics
Thank you for commenting!
excellent advice as in my experience if communication fails love ails and finally very painfully dies
Great insight!
Traducción al español estaría genial . A varias personas latinas nos gustaría escuchalo o leerlo en español.
idk how to time stamp- 24:31, a little past the halfway mark Dan is saying he would evade the topic of the argument by criticizing his wife's manner of bringing it up. I could be wrong, but it crossed my mind that there might be something to explore there. He might want to dive deep on what he felt exactly and what made him feel the way about the way she brings it up. Then she'll be able to sympathize and won't bring it up in that way anymore. And i think the Imago model does a great job of structuring that conversation, at least the way I saw it play out on the Breakdown podcast with Mayim and Jonathan. In that case, for the purpose of Dan's healing, his wife would bring curiousity and ask about where or when was he first triggered by her approach to conflict. Would have to be at some later point when they are calm because it requires super disciplined for the questioner not to engage in an argument but to merely mirror what they hear, like a therapist. Great information! Thank you so much.
We appreciate your insight and feedback! Thank you for watching.
42:20 interesting, I’d take that comment about breaking a neck from the book stack as passive aggressive, but I guess when you have a humorous and healthy enough relationship that stuff works. Or maybe that’s a first line comment and when it doesn’t get done then she’d be more direct
Thanks for sharing!
Maybe it would vary based on tone of voice and different couples' ways of relating.
It does seem like an unfair way of framing the issue to make it absolutely critical to her physical safety (which it's not), when actually she should be saying, "my need for order is really important to me, your actions have been in opposition to my need for order for several weeks now, and it's really distressing me at this point."
@@carolshannon6449 for sure, tone is key, and if that is considered their humor as a couple it would be received differently than others; sometimes I find sarcasm as a veil for conveying a need to be a thin line between effective and humorous or passive aggressive
@@BachBusoni yes this seems more inline with most of what the Gottmans seem to say in their podcasts
Love it question how can I inquire to be on your podcast
You can email podcast@tenpercent.com with your guest info!
The poor dog doesn’t deserve those 2 humans in the example
18 years together He’s changed and lying about stupid things. Stonewalling me. Help!
Sending good thoughts to you.
KZhead isn’t where you should be seeking help.
✌️ "promo sm"