8 WAYS A SCAPEGOATING NARCISSIST TRIES TO KEEP YOU IN YOUR PLACE
Narcissists have an agenda for you and when you do not fall in line, you can become the object of their blame game. They will designate you as the scapegoat. Psychotherapist Dr. Les Carter exposes the ways a scapegoating narcissist will dismiss you, then he explains ways to keep you from succumbing to their game.
Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. Over the past 39 years he has conducted many workshops and over 60,000 counseling sessions.
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Anybody who sees through them or wisely ends their association with them becomes their personal dart board.
Carrie ....well said😁
The sneaky smear campaign is SO unfair! And apparently there really is nothing we can do about it but continuing on holding to our own values. Meanwhile, others are turned against us, sometimes unknowingly if the scapegoater is smart and stealth, or insidious enough.
@@suzyq3225 I could care less what the narcissist whos targeted me tell his brain dead lapdogs and shills. They aren't my associates..could care less. I care what the people i care about think that's it. That should be the mental attitude of every target whos been gaslighted, projected onto, and lied about.
Anne Hedonia OMG... I am going through the same thing. So angry after finding out what my family has been doing to me all these years. They are fkd in the head. My mother's funeral 2:days ago and that brought out their true colours. I did not attend... I had an inkling of this stuff just prior. I feel sick to the stomach that I have been so nice to them over the decades and looking back they were treating me like a fool. I have a lot of work to do getting through the will stage...but oh shite am I going to go no contact after that. I feel like I have a wet concrete blanket on me. This stuff is unbelievable.
@@suzyq3225 You're not alone, been dealing with this....
44 narcissists saw this and didn't like being found out
LOL!!!!! Right?!
Now 59
@@jayaom4946 lol
Their scapegoats sent them this video 😁
82 today. I really do think there are more out there than we EVER imagined there would be.
My father would tell my siblings that I'm an underachiever, I'm trouble, I don't have a good job 'don't EVER end up like your sister, she's ruined her life' that kind of thing. All the while, I left home at 17, held down the same job for almost 10 years, saved for my own flat by the time I was 21, paid for my bachelors degree all on my own 😂 he called me unstable so many times it means nothing now. And I've been compared to so many people I went to school with, they're doing so much better than me, a better life than mine, more normal than me. This has been my entire life. During my last communication I said so calmly "everyone is so much better than me., OK that's fine, I can live with that, but I'm happy. But did it occur to you that each and every single one of them had a better father than you ever where to me?? Maybe you should think about that :) " It was the very last thing I said to him and he's been blocked and ignored ever since.
So glad you stood up for yourself and have self respect....he has to repeat over and over in his head your last words....you r free even if it's not seeing your dad.
Invincible J I hope that you’re proud of all that you’ve achieved and overcome. My heart breaks for all that you’ve endured and have gone through and all because your dad knew you saw right through him. He didn’t want any of your friend’s parents or anyone in the community or circle you live in to believe anything you said so he had to trash you to stave off the truth as to who he really is. I hope you’ll start a KZhead channel and chronicle your journey to help others understand what’s happening to them.❤️
Oh my word you smashed it! Well done!!! What a perfect response! I don't know you but i am proud of you
@@thirstonhowellthebirdandfriend I appreciate your comment, so much. It means a lot
@@Arya-cf7vu Thank you, I appreciate that. It still plays on my mind as well to be honest. The funny thing is... I said those things before I started to look deep in to why father is the way he is and the series of events that happened in my life. At the time I didn't suspect he was a narcissist I just thought he was a very cruel, angry man.
My entire so-called "family," none of whom was ever there excepting to be against me any time I needed support, understanding, humanity, or even just a soft place to fall. Strangers treated me better.
Been there done that. You just have to believe in yourself!
Same here. The good that comes out of that is you finally see it is not you. The fact that so many strangers are more capable of providing support and can so easily relate and empathize when you need it most tells you it is def not you.
Kristin Meyer yea same here... I have been scratching my head like why is my family being so ignoring of me when I’ve been a victim of abuse & school discrimination.. Just needed some family love but nooo, they decided to not talk to me, just ignore me! Been so so wrong! It is not like I’m a criminal, just bad things happen sometimes. We need each other.
Two of my four sisters and a mother who enables it all. I get it. I'm so sorry. I moved to another country and just dread going home. And my mother keeps trying to get me to come back. She sent me winter coats for Christmas :) Hysterical! Not too subtle manipulation is it? I'm not no contact, but minimal. I visit and leave, more for my elderly parent's sake than anything. You gotta be who you are and just say no!
Isn't that the truth..
Went no contact - best thing ever 😁
hope to have no contacts from june
they die narcissists!!!@@joseenoel8093
Yes! Take care of you! They will never change.
Same here!
Absolutely
Could not be more spot on! Narcissist + Scapegoating + rageful outbursts, I've never met a more horrible person.... 😧
So sorry to hear. Are you still involved in their life?
I can identify with the horrible raging out bursts when they are fed up with their lives, so u get it, and it's horrible
I have!!!! The worst.
I see you know the same person😉
Angry outbursts, when they come from a narc, are actually a control measure. Children throw tantrums to get their way just like adult narcs try to do
If you don’t fall in line, and agree with everything the narcissist says and does lockstep, there’s going to be hell to pay!
Absolutely true!
yes!
Not anymore. Now a calmly say "that doesn't work for me, I have a different idea I'm gonna go with" . yeah, the marriage is unfixable at this point so I have no motive to keep him placated.
@@MediaEnslavedNation Woo-hoo!!!! You just Made my day!! When I visit the Narc pages and read the comments, my Major Question has Always been,..."When, please tell me WHEN do you Finally reach the conclusion that Hell, Enough IS Enough Already!??!!? I'll bet you experienced a sense of freedom, a huge weight lifted from your mind, heart, and soul like never ever before!!😉👊
@@gloriamaryhaywood2217 I'm not to the point of freedom. But I'm me again. And I am stronger than he is. And that's all. That's all I've got right now, but if his behavior is to be brutal when I am weak and to be weak when I am powerful... Well as I said to him. We are equals, but if you can't be equals you better know that I am not "the bottom."
Whether you agree or disagree with the narc, the end results is never good.
Yes - even if you did everything to please them they will find somthing to blame you for anyway.
so true!!!
Exactly, and that’s why in the end, after i‘ve figured that out and thanks to Dr C‘s videos and strengthening of my self-consciousness i left my narc.
Exactly...you cannot be loving or trusting to someone with no soul.
completely true! Damned is you do and damned if you don't. IMPOSSIBLE!
Being 60, single & homeless is difficult. I was raised by narcissistic, wealthy parents. My brother & sister are narcissists. We live in the same town. There are struggles I have mentally & physically. Yet, it's much better than being with narcissists.
Sorry to hear this. It's never too late to rise above their abuse.
I’m sorry to hear that but know the steps you take to be happy and healthy are worth it
@@peaceandjoytoall No. My income is 300%below the poverty level & since so much low income housing already has long waiting lists, no. Also, how can I afford to move? Can't pay for moving companies, can't afford UHaul, who will move me? Also, being a Senior, my peers can't move me. In addition, how will I be able to afford security deposit & first months rent wherever I move to. Also have no transportation to get to doctors appointments, supermarket, food bank, bank, pharmacy, Social Security office or anywhere else.
I have just gone no contact with my family. 28 years of being their punching bag. Every one of your points shockingly I have endured.
Hoping you are in a healthy and safe place now. Sincerely praying you have found your way to a happy home. Going to send a couple songs in the comments here that I hope you find as validating and healing as I do. Take care!
1. Tell lies abt u. 2. Treat u as if u r invisible when u try to angage with them. 3. Say u r emotionally unstable 4. Smear campaign with pple who Matter to u 5. Become object of deep criticism 6. Sabotage ur effort to improve 7. Speak u with alot of cohesion to buy u to their idea. 8. Compare u to golden pple. Other pple Mistakes u can make 1. Cave in 2. High compliance 3. Rebellion 4. Plead ur case 5. Argue Food 4 thot 1. Know yourself 2. Dont play their game 3. Get away dont make out 4. Assertiveness 5. Dont take their cues 6. Ignore. Dont b a mirror
Thank you, Elizabeth! 🥰
Thank you for this! I can never have enough of the reminders. 48 years of my life living in confusion and without knowing what was really going on. Constant daily reminders of the mindset I need to keep so I don't fall back easily into the old ways are a must.
N L Just be assertive.Mirror their behaviours.If they ignore you ignore ,If they gaslight you gaslight against them.See their faces after that lol😂.
@@rohithreddy75 Lol. Good advice. I can ignore and mirror other behaviors, but not gaslight, it is really not in my dna
@@noluso No, it's not 'good advice'. Narcs have few (if any) boundaries and since you (presumably) do, you probably can't beat them at their own game, or any game for that matter, and things will just get worse for you.
#6 they can sabotage your efforts to improve yourself. I can really relate to this.
I asked him a question regarding his sneaky behavior and the answer was "why don't you go on KZhead, I'm sure you'll find your answer there."
Same here
Any time I work on being a better person or doing the things I want to do, they will always find some way to get me off track. Usually by making me depressed
Same. They literally hold you back, undermine you, drag you down - ANYTHING to keep you where they think you belong. It's so insufferably toxic, I don't care who's ego gets bruised when ya pull the plug on association.
Unplugged Dog Dreams He just told on himself. He looked through your browser history.
This describes my father scapegoating towards me. It's like a black hole that sucks the other family members into following suit. The best thing I did was move away from home.
They don’t give you an opportunity to criticise or correct them they will interrupt tactically and you end up back to square 1. Its a vicious cycle. The reason they are good at their pathetic games is all their efforts goes in to being that way. They have resolved in themselves wholly to be this way their entire life. Sadly they have no other purpose in life.
I'm so glad there's an explanation for the madness...
Yaaaaaass!!! I wish I could upvote your comment 1,000 times! Lol
The fact remains, sometimes it's not by choice. Many cannot help it, sadly. It's literally part of who they are, in their DNA. And for those who *act mostly like children all of their lives,* I can't help but to think these ones were born partially (or, wholly) retarded ('mentally challenged'), and will die that way. The sad part is, as you had put it, all of their efforts go into their fruitless mind games... instead of accepting the 'challenge' to change - to think outside of themselves, which basically means to have genuine empathy for others, which they are, in many ways, incapable of doing/being. After spending a lifetime with and around narcs, being subject to their abuse and their manipulation tactics, I have come to the inescapable conclusion that: *(1) Narcs can never truly grow. (2) Narcs never change. They always remain as stubborn, controlling, and self-entitled people. (3) Narcs can never actually win at defeating the 'weak side' of themselves, permanently, but blame others for their shortcomings and failures. As the video discusses, they thrive on scapegoating others, as a way of life.* We can only train them how to behave around us, or we have to make it abundantly.clear/obvious that we are choosing to withdraw from them, completely. *No Supply = Unhappy Narc.*
Yes, you exactly described it!
My mother has spent my whole life doing all that you mentioned in this video. Dad was forced to agree..he is a covert narc so he wasn't innocent. I was ignored, belittled, constantly told lies about by mom to anyone who would listen. She is extremely jealous and competitive.She wanted to compete with me and I wouldn't compete back. She hated my looks, talent, boyfriends, business, etc. She even flirted with my last boyfriend. She just has even now an insatiable need to attack my character, get attention and compare me negatively to people she thinks are "more than". Whatever. I love no contact. Without me around she will be sure to attack others she feels threatened by. It's scary to know that someone I wanted so desperately to love could be so incredibly dangerous to my well-being.
My narc started telling me and others that I was bi-polar. Which isn't the case at all.
My ex used to tell me that all the time! I dont even have the symptoms of being bipolar!
Oh and him telling me everyone was telling him I was bipolar. Lol
I just can't keep up with the demands and the Changing attitude he brings. Maybe I will try gray rock more, or I call it " gray fish" go with my own flow and gut instinct and not swim into rocks at all. 🐟🐟
@@kimfreymiller6470 you too! ? So I guess when we disagree with their crazy life, WE are the crazy ones. Yeah right! Lol .
@@44ARISEandSHINE44 so silly isn't it? We are the ladies who say no! How could we possibly survive without their degree of wisdom and judgement. I have to find humor in it, because I'm sure we are fully functional and patient to put up with them.
Heartbreakingly, this describes my mother . 😢 It hurts and it's so destructive.
Same with me.. stay strong
Mine too
Mine too
Boy, have you described my Mother to a ‘T’. I did not realize how much of this was going on until a joint friend observed the interactions and commented that she was evil and intentionally tried to cause harm.
My heart goes out to you sister. I also was "raised" by one of these demonic jackals. 😕 Ive been NO CONTACT for nearly 5 years. After my sweetheart's suicide (his father was the demon he escaped the only way he knew how. 💔⚡💜 stay strong🌟
It took a friend of mine pointing out how selfish my mothers behavior was for me to even start seeing the truth. It was all down hill from there. I had already gone no contact before I even really understood what I was dealing with. Its been about 10 years now and I couldn't be happier to be free!!
sugarcayenne seVen ... yes narccs are soul destroyers. Sorry knew a man intimately when i did live in relationship who commited suicide. It is a hard one to grasp. I also last yr (30 yrs later) had a young woman friend of one side if family commit suicide. Idk why she choose that .. over assited... she was ill w 2 major life (one cancer) her body gonna give out 6 mos. She lasted 12 w cancer and treatment that just sucked her life. Mast cell disease. Idk why w autoimmune disease docs did chemo. Although for a yr I was concerned this wld be her choice, it.is hard. It wasn't family. It is such a loss for loved ones to go. Healing more. You cld prob do support to those who have experienced this.
Sharon Johnson we have the exact same narc mother, so sorry...im in late 50s, shes 92, ive been 13 yrs no contact with two, near fatal lapses..my bads..bottom line, no contact. It is THE ONLY WAY to go. No contact! Its a lifesaver.
TheHotCoffeeHouse unfortunately I am now my mother@s caregiver as she has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. Life certainly had never been easy, now even less so. I am her scapegoat for her illness as well now.
This exactly describes my narcissistic ex husband He would and still uses me as his scapegoat. Sabotaging and manipulating everything to fail. Then blaming me for it .
So sorry about this Nancy. Glad he's your ex - focus on building your life no matter what and grey rock as much as possible
@@Arya-cf7vu I have found "grey rock" to be very helpful indeed.
Yes...same for me. 25 years after a divorce....which I filed. He's still trying to do harm to my life.
When I started strengthening my boundaries my wife became more domineering and started putting me down behind my back with her family and friends. I wasn't as compliant as before and that freaked her out. She couldn't control me so she decided she would Control how others saw me. I saw it as a form of preparing her folks for when we split up by painting me blacker than black. The thing is that her actions precipated the very thing she didnt want. She feared me leaving but after her sh1t I left. It's crazymaking and I wasn't going to be her scapegoat anymore.
Spindrift Beach Kudos to you for loving yourself more!
They think that they can do as THEY PLEASE, u don't matter except for how they use u. And if you are not doing what they want rage. And disloyalty and lies behind one's back.
how many others did she use against you?.did the courts go against you also?
@@timothylines3867 I don't know the full extent of her smear campaign but I know to try & challenge what she's told people now will probably just prove her case. She's probably said I'm crazy or some such (her projecting?) so if I react with a counter campaign her Flying Monkeys will just see it as validation of her BS. My plan is this: No one has heard my side of the story & people loving to dish the dirt will be all ears when I do. I will time it for when her victimhood mellow drama has petered out. Then people having been bored sick of her will feast on a new more plausible narrative. What is it they say " he who laughs last". Plus my having been dignified for so long will hopefully give my narrative extra credence.
it takes years to learn how many minds have been poisoned by them ,and their networks.these ture storys need an outlet.@@spindriftbeach6082
Dogs have more sense than people.
@@KitchenWitchery I think your correct. 👍
And that's why I have 5 dogs
3 dogs and 1 cat here! I now realize that the only unconditional love I experienced as a child was my dogs. I truly believe they saved me.
@@teresaoliveri5057 Dogs are very therapeutic, this is why they visit in nursing homes and rehab's, they are good for the soul and they lower blood pressure too!!!
Dogs are empathetic.
Thank you, Dr. Carter. You’ve truly been a lifesaver. 🙏
He is so awesome right!!!!
Yes! Yes he is
Yes, thank you so much 💓🙏
My mother did all that and I pleaded and much harm was done. I needed this advice 40 years ago, but it's never too late to start. Detaching from family is hard, but so worth it for a happier life without being degraded and treated with contempt.
If only i knew all this before....!
lol 😉
same here !!!
Same here! But we know it now and we can rebuild our lives from here❤️
Same thing i say. 12 years being with a narcissist. But God delivered me and healed me and my experience has created a movement!!
@@authenticme7351 i am pleased for you/ i should be out off the narcissist relationship by the end of this month/i cannot wait i have no energy left!!!
God bless you Dr. Carter. You are most certainly one of His gifts to me.
He just blessed me through you. Dr. C
What a nice accolade.
@@SurvivingNarcissism very cool
Every narcissist has an achilles heel - find out what it is and their little game is finished.
How? Please describe further? Do you have a personal example?
That is what you need to figure out - every narc is situated differently.
Praytell!
That is what you need to figure out - every narc is situated differently. Reply
@@21972012145525 my narc was 100% committed to appearances. Appearing important, right and on top. She was also literally bent on torturing me and our kids. After the divorce ( after her affair ) I began to uncover a few atrocious things she had done during our 20 year marriage. I have no idea how deep the list of things went but it started to become clear that it was long. When I could no longer stand the torture she was putting me and the kids through I called her up and said... " If you do ONE more thing to hurt me or our children... mark these words and hear this promise... this isnt a threat... this is promise... every single person you know and have ever met will know exactly what you've done. They came out of the wood work. I know everything you did now. And shame on you." She started immediately and viciously yapping. I simply hung up and blocked her number and on all social media. That was the end of it. Her fear of being exposed was her achilles heel. It was a gamble and it felt horrible to threaten her. But it worked.
This is my family, brother, (drug addict, liar who is the Golden Child), mother, and both sisters. Also, my daughter, late husband, 3 ex b/f's . The isolated life is hard, but it's better than the abuse. WAY better.
Really ?????
My narcissistic sister and brother stole my inheritance money, refuse to speak to me about it, They both made me look crazy, It wasn’t the money, it was realizing exactly who my siblings are, and how much money means to them, it’s really sad 😢, I still love them both so much.
My sister convinced my father that she needs most of the inheritance and so he agreed. My other sister is OK with it. Then you realize that you are totally unimportant to them, which is in accordance with their previous behaviour. Narcs!
All true Narcs are as energy draining as the pull of a black hole in outer space. They will just sap you dry and leave you exhausted! Don't give them a minute more of your time than absolutely necessary!!!
Me too. Mom and siblings stole my inheritance from me.
Georgia Nelson Mine did the same to me and I went no contact for two years. Now they’re trying to get me to take care of our mom who is also a narcissistic. They don’t deserve your love. Don’t even think about them.
me too...long story.... so bizarre how I find always almost like the same stories over and over ...and over.... i can't even be bothered to pursue this in court indepth....i dunno
I used to think SCAPEGOAT was my life job description. These people know who THEY ARE.
I have to admit that when my covert narc gets to me, I feel down and deeply disappointed. I go into a distant, silent mode and can't help it...it is as if the wind is out of sails. I just have nothing to say, and am hurting because I feel like my feelings simply are never on his radar. I keep reminding myself of 'what he is' but still the out of control temper, injust way and his pity party can still bowl me over. After 4 years of this marriage, I am getting better and stronger, but sometimes am perplexed at how utterly self serving they can be. Never gives of self. His grown children hardly remember him in their youth, his wife was also neglected as he is doing to me (he was widowed). I confide in a girlfriend about the truth because I need someone to talk too, but to no one else. Your videos are so helpful, Dr. Carter. Thank you for being there.
I know what it's like to get the wind kicked out of you like that. I experienced it again yesterday via the no-filter narc in my life. But thanks to these videos and educating myself as much as possible, I pulled myself back together and asserted myself calmly and coherently and left it at that. I have realised how important it is to have a strong sense of self around these "people" and how important it is to have others in my life beyond the narcissist's realm who affirm my good character. My best wishes go out to you. Take care. It's really not you. It's them.
@@bradconnexion9442 Yes. Always keep other people in your life. It is truly your connection to sanity! Never let the Narc isolate you.
Fast forward that 4 year marriage to 20 years and you've got me. I was a strong willed person, determined to stand my ground and challenge the narc where necessary. But in the end I felt my life's exuberance and sunshine slowly drain away over the years until I became a shadow of my former self. The actions of a covert narc partner, who insidiously reduced my energy, my personal power and freedom, wore me down until finally a crucial deal breaking moment made me realise I had to leave to survive. Moral of this story? Beware staying for years and thinking you can manage it - these people can be enormous energy vampires. When they've sapped your energy they'll simply move on to another source of supply. Don't waste your time, your love , your worth on them. Save yourself. You deserve better.
@@odette8905 It is very true, everything you wrote, and if I were younger and had the finances that I used to have, he would be out of my house and life. But at the age of 70 and he 78 and (now) with him paying the bills, one makes different decisions. I am supporting my 90 yo mother with the money I have left (she is in another house of mine across from me). So, there are other considerations in my case. But, isn't it interesting that even aging narcs can use their charm and love bombing tactics, put on whatever mask is necessary to please you...until you are convinced THIS is the man you've been missing all your life. Reality set in before the honeymoon was over. To be honest, there were signs before but I just didn't realize then 'what' he is.
@@bradconnexion9442 I agree. Dr. Carter has helped me regain my 'strong sense of self'. And thank you, I wish you well too. :-)
Animals unlike humans are living creatures that don't actively hurt eachother out of spite or ill will, and only battle for food/survival. Another great video. I had the silent treatment for so many years that I thought my ex was deaf!..being ignored is the worst, it makes you feel like your are nothing, and chips away at your self esteem, until you DO believe that you are nothing. What a sad existance when a narcissists goal is set to destroy another human being. Fortunatly we can turn those negative thoughts back into positive ones. Thank you for your uploads, they help many people who are going through these situatiions.
JD Only at night, drinking all day , do I get any conversation or attention. But when I don’t want one second of his time. But my existence was very lonely. Signed papers for an apartment last week, can’t move in for a month ( ugh). I can’t wait to be myself again.
I was subjected to the silent treatment so often I had nightmares where my mouth was taped shut, or I had a big turtleneck sweater on that came up over my mouth, constant nightmares of something covering my mouth so I couldn't talk. I was afraid to talk during the silent treatment as it was as if I wasn't there.
Everything is my fault according to him.
Same with my abuser narc . He blames everything on me so I can relate .
Same here. 😔
Yup, exactly!
Blame the victim. Of course. How would you feel about (superficially) "accepting" the responsibility in order to undermine his attack? I'm not saying own it for real, but as a way of deflecting his train of thought. Being absolutely unrepentant about it tho. As in a "Jedi truth" which is to say "it's true From a certain point of view" I'm not saying let him continue to explain, I'm saying ... Well let me use myself as an example. He said it's my fault because he's just reacting to me. So "ok," I said, "I'm irredeemable. I'm a bad person. By being too much x and not enough y, I hurt you and this is what you think self defense is. Well I'm too old to change. So I guess I better leave because I don't want to hurt anybody. If I leave the first thing that will happen is that you will begin to heal. So you should be on board with me leaving." He hasn't said it since. I've put him into a double- bind. If he agrees then he has to let me go. If he disagrees then he has to acknowledge that it's NOT in fact self-defense or even retaliatory but in fact pre-emptive based on his narcissistic injury. Responsibility is power. They won't take it. Its yours, uncontested. So, wield it like a sword and shield to protect yourself.
The only thing that is your fault is that you're still there. 🌱
"You are emotionally unstable and will be for the rest of your life ". I left my covert narc after 30 years. Tired but happier.
Gus❤. He's such a reminder of what counts.
The cruelty knows no bounds....comes out of nowhere, have never been ready for the vitriol .. what normal person would be? Some scary s..it!!
I’ve actually had a narcissist tell me that I needed to be “knocked down to size and put in your place.”
That's how they think. Dr. C
There is an old saying. When the student is ready, the teacher will come. Thanks 😊
"The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts to fit their views...which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to be one of the facts that needs altering.” - Doctor Who.
My life with my mother. thankful I had the foresight to cut her out of my life , 8 years no contact and feeling blessed. When she confessed that she never wanted me , tried to abort me and regret her lack of success. I walked away and never looked back. I am happy I did not respond so now she is stewing in her natural juices at my rejection of her . They do not care about you but resent your dismissal. No contact is the best revenge.
Elizabeth Taylor YESSSSSS!!!!
Always good to see Gus. Breaking the cycle is the key point. Do NOT allow these people to run your life by proxy. If you are confused and unhappy in the relationship and the person shows no desire to make an effort to fix it then the best thing to do is to remove yourself from the situation. If someone ever says, "Well, so-and-so doesn't . . ." you know you are being manipulated to act a certain way. My response is to say, "I'm happy to talk to so-and-so about it." and they backed down on that immediately. They don't want their monkeys getting any ideas. I can't believe the number of times my toxic partner tried to bully me into following orders. They can't seem to understand someone is willing to just walk away.
Andrew Boehmer I’m leaving my SO ( significant other) after 12 years of lies. He response to me was “ unbelievable “ “ now I know you’re really crazy!” lol. He just doesn’t believe that I leaving his highness
What a terrific post. It's amazing how much power and control they can extract out of a person.
@@lovely-mk4rt congrats on finding your voice and spirit back. Please keep me posted, because I am in a similar position. Currently I am trying couseling to save it but I'm not sure their is anything to save. I think it must be easier for the narc to be mad at you or I then to look within and be mad at Them selves. Wow, he will regret telling you that you are crazy. Someday.
@@sherrim4067 It is truly scary how they can read people and know how to push those buttons. I hope you've been able to stay away or deal successfully with these types.
When i told my narc that i was thinking about leaving her, because of the way she treated me, she wasn’t confused or affected by my pain, but she laughed at me, „You‘ll never dare.“ What? Anyway, i proved her wrong. I left and never came back. And never missed her.
I couldn’t do a thing about how my narcissist mother and sister treated me. But I could remove myself from the lies and drama. So I did. Best decision ever. Neither of them have attempted to contact me, but they’re still talking about me to other family.
You have just described my extended family to a T. The matriarch is VERY talented at the scapegoat and golden person. I am helping a family member (who married into the family ), try to navigate the upcoming Easter weekend (3 days together at the family vacation home). I was the prime scapegoat, until this new woman came into the family, now she is the main scapegoat. The matriarch takes it to the next level by using all of these techniques you describe on the scapegoat, showing the family how little regard she has for this person, (and you should follow suit). Then in the weeks following she will make negative comparisons of the golden people/flying monkeys to the scapegoat whom she has just shown is dirt, but you are lower than dirt. The golden people get so depressed that even though they do everything in their power to please the matriarch, and come away from the weekend feeling proud that they got her approval, then the hammer comes by being told they are less than the scapegoat. She is an expert at triangulation. This creates so much animosity among family members and they don't even know why. "Delicate detachment" is the only way to navigate this family dynamic. But it is also important to not be too angry at the flying monkeys. They have been so manipulated by the narcissist, they don't even know that they have become a puppet to this horrible family pattern.
@@RavenStealstheNight I'm sorry you experienced that. Good for you for seeing where the anger came from. Although it isn't an excuse.
How about just not going to this family function and allowing the abuse..
@@sirtedricwalker2979 That is one approach. But if you have loyalties to the other family members you can choose to honor the commitments to family, but not allowing the abuse to get under your skin. Like Dr. Les says in his book Enough About You Let's Talk About Me, delicate detachment allows you to be in control, and not have to give up relationships with other family members. If you model respectful behaviors, then you empower others in the family to get a glimpse of healthy relationship patterns.
@@InTheKnowResources I don't know about that. It would make me feel like I was still playing the appeasement game. I would feel fake or not my 'authentic' self. Also, I would Hate the Bully Narc to think I was buckleling under, or worse, that my presence meant my Consent.
@@InTheKnowResources I will be getting that book real soon. I know the Dr also talks about narcs and different levels of spectrum they can be on....if its really bad and some siblings are narc no.2 with other siblings being flying monkeys and 1 golden child each family holiday is complete disaster.....a good time to go no contact.
You are absolutely correct, sometimes I wish I had the knowledge on this channel from 2006-2010, when my life was a living hell. Mentally, I didn’t know whether I was coming or going but I am glad to be out of the situation and clear to understand when a person is gaslighting. GUS is a beautiful dog!
I wish I had him in the 1980's!!
Oh my God! I am amazed how well you know narcissists and how well you describe here our behavior with them. Unfortunately we have to leave them in order to find peace in our lives. There is no other way.
My narc drove me to a point of suicidal thoughts. When he knew that he actually bought me a gun with hopes i would finish myself off. I divorced him instead and moved to another state.
@@authenticme7351 You have been very courageous! You deserve a good and happy life. I am glad to read that even to that point you chose life!
@@authenticme7351 OK thats really funny Angela! He is definately fu*ked up. Kudos to you for having the courage to leave him for good. I'm staying to torment mine lol!!
I've actually left him now. A few weeks ago, I moved in with my mom and sister. Should have done this years ago. I kinda felt I was losing the plot as I could feel rage everytime he was in the same room with me and I would lash out everytime he tried to manipulate me. I had an answer for everything and he's begun to retreat and give up as if the roles has reversed. Does this happen? Even at family gatherings and church I would snap at him and wouldnt back down when he wanted me to 'do it his way'. My mother had said to me I shouldnt be doing that in front of people, but I said to her, he's nw getting a piece of his own medicine - an eye for an eye. He did it to me for almost 30yrs, and now the roles are reversed, he's retreating? I don't get it. So I left him as I sense some deeper physiological issues happening to me which I find disturbing. Could this be the start of mental issues for me from all the abuse over the years??
Wow! You just totally described an inlaw!!! If you present anything she perceives as a "threat" she will go on the attack with lies and gossip etc.! And deep judgement! Sabatoge!! OMG! You have nailed it! Thank you for sharing these!!! God bless you for your work!!! You have really helped me!
@@projectmcsquare2149 I'm so sorry! My ex was a Narcissist also!!! I am grateful for my hubs now ! He is such an amazing man! But, I completely understand the inlaw!!!! He has a sister that would rather lie than tell the truth. I think she has some sociopathic tendancies too. Saying a prayer for you! It is not easy to deal with them! Especially if you live with them!!!
@@projectmcsquare2149 God Bless you my friend! Remember you are not alone!!! Glad you are distancing yourself from the craziness!!! Hugs!!!!
That super person that the narcissist cites as an offhanded way to downgrade you has got to be a common tactic. Of course they will never praise you personally ; its always the other person, and can really bring you down until you learn the narcissist's tactic. Thanks Dr. Carter for pointing that out.
😖I became the basketcase. It was easier for him to leave and get a new supply.
Petriina L. Hahahahaha I can relate to this! Hahaha
Thank you for letting Gus be a part of our journey. Good dog!
He's a fixture in my study!!
Thank you so much. I am 50 years old and just figuring out my father is a covert narcissist. He’s the pillar of the community and no one would ever believe this. I have been the scapegoat my entire life and even married a diagnosed narcissist. Divorced him at 30 yet still had no clue about my father even though I always felt like the black sheep. 20 years of on and off therapy for anxiety and depression and the narcissism was not identified. I’m finally working with a therapist on this. I am so grateful and see myself in your descriptions. It hurts but I will take an ugly truth over a beautiful lie... the lie being our family is perfect. BTW Gus is a reminder of the only unconditional love I experienced as a child was my dog. May we all learn to love and accept as they do.
This is my family dynamic. My grandma and mother and aunt are narcissists. And my siblings don’t understand and neither does anyone else. I’m so thankful for your channel! It makes this dynamic bearable, cuz I get it now.
Great help for victims or rather how NOT TO BE a victim of narcissists! Thank you so much & keep up the good work and support!!!
Right! I like Dr Carter‘s approach that it’s less about understanding how the narcissist functions, but more on how to strengthen the victims. He only explains how narcs work in order to make us see and then leave. That‘s what happened to me.
I actually feel sorry for my.narc husband because his whole family is like Him. I hosted a party for my husband and his brother and sister walked around the room saying negative things about their brother! He paid for the party. I found his family to be worse then him!
A whole family of Narcs!Wow! I guess maybe he felt he had to become an even bigger Narc than them just out-Narc the Narcs!!😁 But seriously, they Wouldn't of been talking that mess for long!...even if that's how they truly felt or if the things they were saying had validity! Doesn't matter! If the party was held in my home they would have been shown the door! If it was held at a venue then either they would have had to leave or we would have left,.. with a big bang!! That was neither the time nor the frigging place for that Bullshit! And their asses needed to be Called Out on it!!
Oh yeah crazy making. A room full of negative Nancy's, and then add alcohol to the mix, never good.
Sherri M - you poor girl. My sis inlaws is like my husband but she's worse though. Im so glad she's an inlaw. So critical of everyone yet she has got the biggest flaws. YOU have to start pushing back - NO FEAR & its NOT your fault ever.
I've been on the receiving end of all of those except being compared to someone else. I've been called "crazy", "nut job", and "mentally ill" whenever I have tried to reason with my narc spouse about his twisted versions of reality. If I ever show any emotion in response to his often hurtful words, I am told I am too emotional and then he just doubles down on whatever insult he has decided to bestow upon me. He mocks me if I ever cry- as if no one else would. It IS difficult to not be defensive when you are being viciously and wrongfully attacked or blamed. I find myself telling him he is being completely disrespectful and that it's not okay. I'm sure it has no impact, but it makes me feel a little better to say it.
Sounds like my mom....I'm too emotional. She used her put-downs as leverage.
They also never say SORRY. Blow things off as if it does not matter......such a defect.
All of this has been true in how my family has treated me all my life. Its very strange, they have made it clear they think I'm nothing but they pressure me to go to the family reunions. I don't go, I will never go, but they can't stand it that I am not there so they can ignore me. LOL When I finally got around reasonable kind people I realized just how awful my family was. I knew things were off in a big way but they really looked evil when I had good people to compare them to over time. And, I like Guss!!!
"they cant stand it that i am not there to ignore.. !" perfect!! 💜
Thank you so much - my life was destroyed by a narcissist and I have wound up the family's scapegoat. I have gone no contact with the narcissist but my children are now quite toxically scapegoating me - except for one. Fixing any of this is not in my power. I have to let go of all illusions. Also, I noted your comment on anger being like handing a bullet to the opposite party that they can then use on me!!! Light bulb moment.
I hope those light bulbs keep turning on! So glad you're on board. Dr.C
The narcissist in my life moved out today🥂
See ya! Dr. C
Gus is a very wise fella! If only everyone could be as encouraging as our pets are by simply entering a room. Thank God for pets! And thank you again, Dr. Carter, for another very helpful video. These nuggets of gold that you share are important things that we who were raised and lived with narcissists were never taught. Our prison guards kept them under lock and key. Thank you for unlocking the gate and setting us free. You have, quite literally, changed my life. I am so thankful and pray God's greatest blessings upon you, yours, and of course, on Gus.
It's maddening how they can fool everyone even though most of the abuse is invisible. Believe survivors.
Such a relief. Both of my parents did everyone of these. I didn't ask to be physically/sexually abused. I got away from them, and that's where this behavior started.
Thank you!I've been dealing with this for over 20 years with a family member. It is so damaging to self esteem and self worth. No one else in the extended family have a clue how this person is because they only act out to a few of us. You are spot on.
you ever notice how there will be dislikes on the video but almost none on the comments, nor any negative comments. Its the empathetic people who actually look into the matter. One can almost account all the dislikes to actual narcissists. Sad observation. I literally thank God for the works of Dr. Les Carter. In a time when I thought I had literally gone insane these videos brought me back to earth. Today I use them to help my guide my children who are dealing with the same person. Thank you Doc. Sincerely, thank you.
Received with gratitude. Dr. C
Thank you Dr. Carter for touching on the dynamics around a Narcissist. It is similar to an Alcoholic or Drug Abusing family structure with certain basic differences. The Flying Monkeys are Enablers and the Narcissist views themselves as the golden child and anyone that doesn't see things their way as scapegoats. Any other marginalized persons simply try to blend in I think; be invisible. You may even throw in a mascot for comic relief. Anything to support an artificial system where someone wants to become and remain King or Queen bee.
BRILLIANT WELL SAID YOU HIT IT ON THE NAIL ,vERY CLEVER ,,
Spot fricken on! These types are so good at getting you to believe you are what’s wrong with everything. Such sick emotionally incompetent. If you stand your ground to overt narc they will assume covert tactics. Which is worse because it often plays on the insecurities developed in childhood traumas.
Aw Gus has the best suggestions 😉😄
He seems such a kind man. And his voice is very calming as well.☺
Dr. Carter understands and explains about empaths and narcissists like NO ONE else!
I had to turn 50 this year to realize what’s going on for half a century! The last two years I tried to convince my covert narcissistic mother and abuser to solve our family issues with her, my brother (golden child) and myself (scapegoat) with mediation. Because I do not want to be blamed and accused anymore. She always laughed loud and said they have no intension because I am the one with mental illness. What a waste of time! Now I know, why I am feeling so drained and that this has nothing to do with other parts of my life 💕 I feel so relieved after no contact 🌸 Thx for your support, videos and love 🙏 A big hug to all the victims from Switzerland 🇨🇭
I think Dr.Carter is the BEST most insightful expert on narcissism on either on youtube or anywhere else. His explanations/discussions are so clear, relatable, and well thought out. His segments are great for helping us to understand and hopefully heal. I love listening to his wisdom.
This all rings so true for me. I was the scapegoat in my family - my sibling and parent kept it going all through my teens and made my home life hell. In the 1980s, there was very little awareness of personality disorders/mental health issues - I had no idea what was going on and believed all the gaslighting. This is such an accurate account of how things were for me (and have continued to be with my sibling, albeit from a distance now) that I wonder if Dr C had been a fly on the wall in my house! :)
Thank you for continuing to keep making these videos.
Top advice. Thank you Dr Carter. I avoid narc as much as possible. I now say "no" and i live separately. The narc is not entitled to my life. I feel more at peace now.
A very important video. Thank you.
Great information! When the narcissist is your child it is very difficult to dissociate from them. That I love her becomes her weapon. Staying calm, steady and allowing the grief has been helpful. I will never stop loving her and i can only hope that it also helps her when I hold my boundaries and assert myself when necessary.
he's the golden child compares me to him..I was family scape goat in my family growing up due to my mum's narcissism..don't start me on Dad..nana saw me..nanas are so important
“I choose not to be a mirror image of you”. That’s a powerful line for me right now, thanks you. 💞 Sometimes it seems that even our own good spirits within want to escape the madness and it can be difficult to keep hold of them.
Morning people( also healing like myself).
Glad you are healing. It's bloody difficult though isn't it. These videos can be difficult to hear sometimes but wish I could have heard them years ago. Much love.
Thank you Emily. Much love to you as well.
Now that I sailed through the Holidays with self-confidence and clarity thanks in part to your videos, I'm going to use this as a checklist for the coming year so that I don't fall back into the same old traps. These videos are gifts that keep on giving, thank you so much for offering them.
Thank you so much, it's a journey in deed. You are helping me not to loose my way.👍
Gus is the Best! So cute!
True quite true. When you stand up they become awfully spiteful trying to get you to retaliate.
You are truly a gift from God , Thank you so much , you've helped me SO much an so grateful for your videos ...God bless you sir !!!🙏❣💯
So pleased! Dr. C
Keep believing in him he cares about humans
@@darkapothecary4116 i can tell its very clear he's a loving spirit!! I thank God I discovered him, a true Healer oozing with warmth, compassion/empathy and intelligence and humor and a super cute content doggie, Gus. chuckles Love and Prayers
Wow. If only I had had this teaching and revelation years ago... You described my life to a T. Thanks to your videos, I am able to stay the course of not succumbing to the ways of the narcissists in my life and walk a path of forgiveness and freedom. Thank you, Dr. Carter. The time you give to making these videos and the wisdom you share is so very appreciated.
Several things I'm hearing for the first time. Very illuminating. Both my parents, plus both husbands were narcs. I could never understand why my second ex was always sabotaging me. Or always picking a fight! Enjoy the squirrels, Gus! 🐶🐿
The squirrels don't stand a chance! Dr. C
Narcs despise you when you don't respond to their smear campaigns or being ignored. It frustrates the hell out of them. They expect you to react the same way they would under similar circumstances. When you don't notice that you're their target, it frustrates them to no end; but Lotsa fun for you.
I'm with Gus!! Thanks buddy!!!❤️❤️❤️
I've been the scapegoat for my narc father up until 4 years ago when I went no contact. My narc dad and golden child bro stole from me, lied to me, gaslit me, have pathological envy toward me. They are very pathetic and have never felt the joy or love that I've experienced. They want what I have but they will never be able to have what I have. If they knew what they've been missing they would be even more jelous! Dad had a new woman while mom was still on her death bed even tho she jumped, fetched and served him her WHOLE life. All you people who stay with your narcs will never get back what you've given. Cut your loss and get out before they kill you with their toxicity.
These 8 points are *exactly* descriptive of my situation. On the drive home [alone] from yesterday's marriage counseling session, this thought surfaced in the pain & inexplicability: "She has a *treasure chest* of grievances & condemnation. A bottomless treasure chest."
I went through that. It never ends. They don't want to change. Only one solution for me was to separate.
In case you didnt realise id like to thank you for helping my release from narcissists as my true loving kindhearted self instead of the twisted bitter person nobody recognised anymore with dignity respect and civility ❤❤
YES, YES LES!! omg, EVERYTHING about this is exactly my situation!! I have a Narcissist neighbor who is so jealous/resentful of me they have to continuously & relentlessly be doing malicious little things to my property, and other hurtful antics. They've even gone so far as to work hard to suck my other neighbors in! I realize that I am their (sick)OBSESSION!
Thank you Dr. Les Carter for helping me understand things ! I lived with a narrsistic husband for 18 yrs. I heard it all & experienced it all . Finally got away & got my mental health back . Thank you for letting me know the facts . But even after 42 yrs. he still try's to hover . Sad. So sad . I'm so happy & healthly today ! Keep up the good work ! ❤
Brilliant work Dr C as always. Clear and crispy guidance - you have a great way of explaining it all. Takes a while to rebuild yourself until you're strong enough to stand firm though - we are all here because that's what we failed to do in the first place. Maybe that's a video for another day. Huge thanks as always.
Odette F what’s so sad for every single person that’s watching this video is that we were trained to be right where we are now. As little kids we couldn’t say no, ever. We had to eat what they told us to eat. We had to like what they told us to eat. We had to do and say everything they wanted us to and if we balked even a little bit then we were hit or grounded or told we were disrespectful or crazy or dramatic or liars and then if that didn’t disable our opinions we were then likely threatened with institutionalization or being sent away. Compliance was required at all times. Why is this dynamic not recognized in the court system under family law and criminalized. It’s so wrong and thousands commit suicide every year as a result. 😢
@@thirstonhowellthebirdandfriend I agree. Sadly, we were set up as children to accept less than acceptable behaviour from others, hence being easy targets for narcs. But, I'm happy to say, once you do the work on yourself to recognise that unfortunate damaged childhood, then you can parent yourself back to where you should be and not accept narcissistic behaviour anymore. I'm on that journey now and it's been the truest form if myself I've ever found. The legal system will not be able to grasp this stuff - it's too hard to 'prove' but I agree it is domestic abuse pure and simple. Wish it was better recognised.
Odette F i’m sorry you had to go through this too. I wish I was still asleep sometimes. I only woke up to the truth of what happened in 2015. It’s been a long painful road that’s for sure. I never knew I was a scapegoat. I just thought I was horribly flawed and I did everything I could to be better or nicer or quieter or funnier or whateverier. These types videos are invaluable to understanding what happened and why. The ripple effect and tentacles of abuse spread like wildfire making our journey like an uphill climb on ice in a hurricane(the proverbial smear campaign) that we neither see nor recognize the destructive forces in play working against us...we can sure feel them though and know something is amiss...and now we know. Getting out of the storm as you know is the greatest journey and blessing of all. ❤️
@@thirstonhowellthebirdandfriend Thank you. My D-Day (Discovery Day) was 2015 too. Takes a while to clear through the wreckage and find a new path. Your experience sounds all too familar; self blame, smear campaigns, etc. Sad stuff. But, hey, we will always be the love-full ones while they live their empty lives searching for something they don't even realise they've lost. I pity them in a way, but not so much as to have contact (they knew exactly what they were doing). I'm on my own journey now and it's great to see the light at the end of the tunnel, thanks to the likes of our amazing Dr C. Bless him - what work! What insight!
when he tells me to improve myself from all the trauma he caused me but, when i do he belittles it and, acts like i’m doing nothing
Yup invisible unless a momentary target of his rage
My narcissistic elderly mother also has OCD, anxiety and depression it is not fun to be around her at all she scapegoats me all the time and acts like I have ambushed her with an idea or thought when my children are around so it makes it look like i'm being difficult or unreasonable and then I am left trying to sort everything out. It's maddening
Thank you Dr. Carter for helping us who are intangled with a NARCISSIST..
Born into an extremely malignant narcissistic family system headed by a cmn mother. with the time I have left, living free, no contact. It took 50 years but I now have a peaceful, loving life and think and see beauty everywhere. No contact. No amount of money, not millions, is worth a single second of the pain, havoc and harm this woman is. Love to you all. Your life is beautiful, live in joy, live free.
"I'm going to respond by letting you know that: I have a good way of life that I want to live and I'm going to anchor down in that. That's my best way of saying: You're not getting to me. I choose not to be a mirror image of you." YES!!! Thank you, Dr. Carter!!!
So pleased for you! Dr. C
Pretty sure this is what happened at my job. It ticks so many of the boxes you mentioned.
This really got to me. Just when I thought I was past it...the fear and anger. This video really helped me realize what was going on in my 28-year marriage...and especially now, that we're divorced. He treats his girlfriend's children better than his own, and props them up as better while he blames the emotional injuries of his own children on me ("you know how SHE is..."). This is really helpful.
Gus is beautiful.My good friends, my faith, and my beautiful faithful cat (I have had 4 beautiful dogs also over the decades) but my beautiful cat who died a couple of months ago at 20 years of age who gave me unconditional love for so long. I was never going to get another animal for several reasons but I found that I had to have a source of love in the home so I have a kitten and I am so glad that I did because ( despite being naughty at times) loves and needs me .
Couldn't imagine my life without my wonderful pets!! Have had both dogs and cats in my life and they are all superb creatures!! Have fun with your "naughty" kitten and I hope your kitty makes you laugh often!😁
I finally got out of the cycle of explaining, negotiating crying, and angry reactivity.. no matter what strategy you adopt you cannot negotiate your humanity with such kinds of people. I'm writing this for whoever is still in that place, don't prolong your suffering. They are not going to change.
Awww....Gus made my day, he’s adorable😊