What is "narcissistic rage"? (Glossary of Narcissistic Relationships)
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And next day he is calm like nothing happened while the rest of us are traumatised
Yes and when I didn't want to talk to him or want him to touch me he acts like he has no idea why. I really want to know can they rage like an insane person and call you vile names and then forget about it? That's how it seems to me.
Also got to see the coming back like absolutely nothing had happend after he had run away with money and had even police after him...like really??? Next day...hey there, how are you? Great, yeah!!!L Lets go on like its all normal 👍
most certainly
Yup, and says he doesn't remember all that he said....BS.
Yes exactly and get upset when we are still trying to process it! Like we are being negative by not being normal!
“People become so scared of the narcissistic rage that they become afraid of communicating with the narcissist.” Yes. This.
I get angry like that..
OMG yes me! I was so afraid of my fiance's narcissistic rage that I was too afraid to talk to him a lot until I was too scared to stay and I just left while he was at work. I didn't feel safe to stay anymore to try and make it work
You hit this right on the button! Trying to communicate without pissing my ex off was impossible! It was just easier to avoid most conversations.
This is why I stopped being friends with someone. They accused me of things I couldn't possibly do and tried to ruin my reputation. I just stopped talking with them and shut down for a while.
He terrified me and in the end he assaulted me. I had to face him in public as part of the divorce and he'd always motion as though he was going to attack me again. I was so traumatized I physically recoiled in fear. He loved it. He laughed every time. I'm still appalled that Domestic Relations forced me in the same room with him.
Another unsettling aspect of being in a relationship with this kind of person is how they’ll manipulate and push you by insulting, belittling, controlling, devaluing (and more) you, again and again until you to at some point lose it, lash out and all the pent up feelings burst out…and then they’ll use it as evidence that you’re the “crazy”, aggressive, violent one.
Yes, I know of this firsthand.
That's the thing that confuses me because some of her description sometimes leads me feel like it's me.
@@BenBolgren I think I have avoidant PD. I also have a WIFE PROBLEM: kzhead.info/sun/ZLtmcreAqYyYoJ8/bejne.html
thank you. I'm my moms scapegoat and she succeeded at perfectly painting me as the crazy, unstable, bad and destructive (even physically harmful) person that she has to deal with. She often likes to scream in my face how i'm a terrorist in her life throwing off her perfect harmony and balance). It's why i believe that if i leave, i wont have a chance to talk to the rest of my family bc they'll believe her.
Absolutely. He had me convinced when I finally lost it, that I was the abuser, and he the victim.
I always felt when dealing with this in a person it's like walking on eggshells. You're always having to be careful of what you say and do. You keep a lot inside yourself just to keep the peace. Its very uncomfortable and very unhealthy.
very apt .Have experienced exactly this
@@rashmikapoor3549 I'm sorry you've had to experience this and for anyone whose had to experience this. Knowledge in knowing the signs can be very helpful, but most go in blind and end up being abused by it all, sad to say.
This is my current life with my husband. I always tell him I shouldn’t feel like I’m walking on eggshells.
Yes
@@cherylh1807 m2
In my family, it was always in private. To the world, this person was a saint....but we knew. Sigh.
That's my mother. She was (is) very verbally and emotionally abusive (raging) in private, but her friends and extended family have ZERO clue. I imagine telling them about it once she passes away...
@Reginald Dove Yeah, for a few years I found myself dating some lousy people, and I'd spend so much time getting sucked into that old pattern with them, trying to appease them, trying to defend myself etc... And I realize now that I'd been trained for this my whole life by mother! It's so important to recognize thos early, and break free mentally if you can.
One of my friends has a dad like that
My mom and sister are like this - they're angels outside the house but predators inside the house.
@@colywogable The narcs always have two faces, a public one and a private one.
My childhood just flashed before me. Also raging in a car then expecting you to act normal when you get wherever you’re going.
Or raging at you before guests arrived at a dinner party they were hosting...so you would be so upset, or angry when the guests arrived...that people questioned what was wrong with YOU....and they would lap it up!
Jo-Anna Hicks IKR, they are cool as a cucumber after provoking you
LA WY that was my mother... and my spouse...
Story of my life bro
Wowwwww. Yep. God forbid I missed the school bus in the morning. It was yelling all the way to school and her arm swinging at me while I sat in the passenger seat.
Did anyone else's heart start racing when she started describing the violence?
Yes mine does. for hours. Once we were sitting on our bed just talking, when he picked me up and threw me against the wall. I was about 180 pounds at the time. He picked me up like I was a feather. I lay on the floor with my eyes closed. Our daughter came in and asked what happened to me. All he could say was if anything happened to me he could loose his pension.
Unfortunately, yes. :(
Yes!
Yes .. every pore feel of my body feel so weird .. as I first hand experienced it 😢
Yeah and I have high blood pressure now dealing with this guy
My Dad was a narcissist with huge anger control problems. Was very draining to be around him. They're like spiritual vampires.
I feel it with my husband…
"None of us are responsible for the narcissist's rage." Amen 👏👏👏
Two things, they rage to control you, and the threat is aways there. You stay controlled, by being afraid of the next one.
My narc sister thinks everything anyone thinks or does in the world is some sort of attack on her. It's really crazy.
@@prant8998 Well said. That's how it is.
That true
@@prant8998 You NAILED it. 💯
The "positive" aspect of witnessing this rage is that it can help the narc's victim finally realize that the narc is not just "difficult" but truly disturbed.
Sara Kinn So True! They are ticking time bombs Danger warning ⚠️
So True I witness it no more than six days ago. When you are a child it is so terrifying. Yes I have been very angry , when it Comes from people doing illegal things on my property. On innocent souls. I m ashamed but I supported too long . And they deserve some anger. But it wont change anything. So let them be.
No, it does not help. Especially if it is your parent. My mother used to show her rage in front of my friends. They were shocked and I was ashamed for her. I mean I was afraid that my friend will think badly about her. I wanted to protect her not to look as bad as she actually is. I was a child I did not understand it was inappropriate behavior and she is fully responsible for it. Victims are most of the time in dark hell, so they dont believe, dont listen to their inner voice anymore. They are disconnected from their feelings, many victims also believe that they are responsible for the rage cause they are brainwashed, just like I was brainwashed by my mother. Even my father asked me why do I have to irritate my mother so much to make her go in rage. I believed him that I was responsible. Today I know I was NOT. She can get in rage because of the smallest thing and then she blames somebody for her behavior. My parents both are narcs. Sadly for me. :-(
True, it doesn't get more evident than this Sadly, they definitely won't show it in the beginning of a relationship, of course first comes love bombing etc..
Agree wholeheartedly with this. My turning point was when she raged at me for taking too long visiting a family member in hospital who was fighting for his life.
Ex-mother in law would always say: "He has a very sensitive nervous system. You provoked him. It's your fault". It was horrific
Oh my gosh 💔 I'm so sorry 😔
I love my siblings' responses when my narcissist sister abuses me: You shouldn't have said... You shouldn't have done.. You're too sensitive. You took it the wrong way. She meant well. (As if!) You need to let it go. You hold grudges. She doesn't treat me that way. (And my personal favorite) You two never got along. (I wonder why not.)
Omg
She was enabling her precious little monster ,rotten mother and bad monster in law,instead of rebuking him. I hope you didn’t believe her delusional interpretation.
This sounds so familiar. Mothers can be big enablers of narcs.
The lying and manipulation from my ex narcissist were bad, but the rage was absolutely terrifying. He punched walls, broke furniture, threw things, screamed and lunged at me. He nearly got us into a car accident a few times while raging as he drove, sometimes with our baby in the backseat. I'm so glad it's over. Anytime I start to miss being married, I just reflect back on those incidents and thank God we got away.
You literally wrote what my heart feels
Oh my gosh, me too!!! We don't have a child, but he did get us in accidents or would "fight" or race people on the freeway because he didn't get his way! It was absolutely terrifying how my safety was never put first before his anger.
I pray God sends you a husband that loves him so you can enjoy marriage
Don't thank God. God is a Narcissist. And Narcissus is a god. The god of the old testament and the god that slaughtered his own son is the living definition of a narcissist. And so is Moses, who created God in his image. Flowing bearded angry fuck completely and totally enthralled by stories of killing children.
In my experience, it comes from “how dare you stand up to me, or how dare you don’t grovel, or who do you think you are not allowing me to control you!”.
Yep! I stood up against my ex narc and it was the best thing ever but the narcissism didn’t stop..I think I frightened the narc with how strong I was and I think at the end of it all he realized how strong I was and how he couldn’t control me so he went on to another women lmao its really sad. I knew he needed help and luckily from experience with my mentally ill sister growing up I could recognize his type of behavior and what it could lead up to. I may have spent too much time involved with him but maybe in some sort of way I taught him a lesson.
Yes, he wanted to walk in front of me and for me to follow him, while he yelled at me. After we were separated, I felt fearful for 2 weeks every evening when he would usually come home, even though he had moved across the country. I kept telling myself, "He's not going to fly all the way back here tonight in order to come busting through the door and start screaming." After 2 weeks, I started to finally feel sad instead of fearful. The initial red flag -- we were in a computer lab and he had misplaced his disc. He blamed ME for losing his disc, but I had not touched or even seen it. He was so arrogant and condescending. It felt confusing that I was little bit doubtful, wondering if maybe I somehow had misplaced it. It seemed "weird, out of character."
Or HOW DARE U NOT LET ME FINANCIALLY USE OR ABUSE U IN ANY WAY
I ended going supernova on his ass
My husband exactly 😔
I always thought the “their eyes turned black” thing was either hyperbole or symbolism, until I saw it happen. It’s terrifying. My blood ran cold. The room went silent & all I could hear in my head was RUN. And run I did. That is the one time in my life I genuinely felt I might be about to die at the hand of another. If you ever see someone’s eyes go dark, I implore you to run as well!
J t get things when safe & get out.
I am so proud and happy for you. Congratulations dear
@J t: I have seen this very physical transformation too in an ex-boyfriend from my teen years. It is very unsettling and crazy to see! And you’re right... when his eyes would go black, his personality would totally change and “it was time to run.” That was over 30 years ago but I remember it like it was yesterday. I actually left the state we lived in shortly thereafter to get away from him and feel more safe.
It is terrifying
@JL Evans I would describe my ex as a demonic narcissist. There was something not quite right about him after getting to be with him for a while. Weird things happened to me while we were together that had not before--animals dying, bed bugs, rat infestation, people dying who were his friends.
Yeah, my only thought in how to avoid relationships with narcissists is to have a zero tolerance policy for rage. If it’s happens once, they are done.
easy to say when it's a partner, not so easy when it's your parents
@@antzooma That's when you cut off your parents from your life. Only because they raised you doesn't mean they get to use you as their own personal punching bag. You leave when you can, cut them off and never look back. Narcissists very rarely change.
I wish it were that easy to just leave..2 kids no vehicle no money because I'm not allowed to work
I agree with the first comment
I grew up with a covert narcissistic mother. She did her "dark arts" when no one else was around. I completely agree it would look like a demon took over, their features would change and their voice would turn into something sinister. I would be left paralyzed in fear. I love your videos Dr. Ramani. Thank you!!
Me too.....mother, 3 spouses. So scary....ever learned util now. Healing emotionally and physically at 67!
Exactly my mom, im working on getting the hell out !! I saw satan in her eyes i swear to god !!
You won’t want to tell the narcissist how you feel because you’re afraid they’ll just yell instead of talk it out and try to make it better.
💯🎯
There is no resolving anything with them. It's not possible.
The last thing they care about is how you feel!
@@CjL716 totally! And gaslight that you “. “ need” to talk/tell them more because you can trust them and it hurts them that you don’t!
My mother would just say, there's nothing to be afraid of! I am your mother, I'm just upset, don't you know I love you? You are too sensitive. It's like she really doesn't comprehend that her emotions are completely disproportionate... And now I don't believe she can ever change, she's over 60... So there's just a lesson for me to work on my own narcissism and mental health issues that I have received from growing up in a family like that (my both grandmothers too)... I always feel my best when I stop focusing on other people's issues or blaming them, or being afraid of them... (that one really has taken a toll on my life...), and try to work on my own character...
wow she's brilliant. Wish I could see her in sessions. I'd be so much healthier. we need more people like this women in the world.
Hello, i believe you should listen to an actual person with npd who knows what's going on more than a actual Narcissist? Go and look for Sam Vaknin you will be surprised as to what is actually happening inside someone with this mental illness . he's been diagnosed twice with npd.
@@dragon2195 so basically take advice from a narcissist?
@@nazanin7564 no, just listen and learn .
Me too!’
@@dragon2195 ive learned a lot and gained helpful insight from Sams lectures. Theres a lot of psychologists who have shown me great knowledge. It is the whole picture that I need to see and the different views have been wonderful.
The narcissistic rage depicted in the movie "Mommy Dearest" is hard for me to watch as my mother behaved towards me like that. Eyes popping out, screaming, whipping, slugging, verbal abuse.Somehow, I always knew that there was something wrong with mommy. A realization that saved me.
I'm so glad you're free now. I hope you are getting the healing, care and love you need
My mother's narcissistic ranting sent my grandfather into a stroke and 10 days later he was dead. Back then we didn't know it was narcissism. Now we have a name to it. To the rest of the world she is a saint. To this day she sends all of us messages remembering my grandfather's birthday and acting like the best daughter in the world when she was the one that killed him. I'm just thankful I was the child that got away.
❤
I can’t even watch this video without being retraumatized by the memory of that persons rage.
Facts me too esp when he would drive crazily and he would get so angry and breath do hard to a point of him passing out cus he hyperventilated so bad
Me too 😞
You explain it perfectly. I am using this channel to help me heal but geez my head spins
Sh*t, that's so true.
It will get better..
Whether you're dealing with a narcissist or not, if you ever catch yourself thinking or saying "at least s/he never hits me" you are being abused. And it is not okay for them to treat you that way.
That's how I felt every day in my previous relationship. I was just grateful he never hit me, only verbally and emotionally abused me. He abused the animals though and it scared me how much he would hurt them whenever he was angry or frustrated with me.
Intimidation too, getting in your face & if you say stop talking to me/leave me alone/get away from me its...make me. They can invite a fight because some want a physical altercation. Put a hand in your face, you shoo it away & you get don't touch me & they might hit you. To them, you standing up for yourself is not allowed. To a Narc even a professional knows nothing. Lol.
And here I am saying at least he hasn't killed me yet.
I can't even tell you how many times I have said this. 😔
I felt this way until he beat the living daylight out of me! I definitely didn't see it coming. My advice, just run while you can, I genuinely thought he was going to kill me!
It was my Dad's way. As a kid his frequent raging terrified me. I learned to avoid him at all costs...so I grew up without a father, although he lived in the same house. The results were anxiety depression, guilt and a social awkwardness, which has in various degrees, accompanied me throughout my entire adult life. Thank you Dr. Ramani for your videos. Now I realize that none of it was not my fault and that in itself is a big relief.
Yes true, none of them was our fault, they had some internal issue. And the rage part is so true, understood later. My mom is a narcissist. Women of that time were restricted from everything, even looking after parents. Surprisingly they are not evil people but yes they are toxic.
@@Satarupa902I kinda think they are evil.
@@moonpleiades99 no not evil
Growing up as the unforgiven...many of us out here...if it was an A on the report card, why wasn't it an A plus...if it was an A+...why wasn't it an A++...not enough salt or too much salt...no...their demons are not your fault...they just pass them on to you...
I saw narcissistic rage triggered by: 1. A dirty spoon left in the kitchen sink. 2. The dishwasher loaded from the front to the back. 3. Her clothes were taken out of the dryer and put into a laundry basket. 4. She went to make a sandwich and there was no sliced cheese. 5. The peanut butter I bought was Honey Roasted, not plain. The list goes on like this for a depressingly long time!
This sounds horribly familiar to me. I think my son married someone just like this! I heard some horrible raging coming from their tent while camping with them. He seems to keep this all to himself and enables this behavior. Does anyone in your family know about this narcissistic rage?
I remember my ex Gf once had a massive narcissistic rage because she was whining about her friend and I literally "go tell that to her, not me lol" and she screamed, rolled on the floor and ripped up some cards and love letters I wrote her. It was insane, I was literally too stunned to speak because it was absolutely unjustified and disproportionate. I wish I took that warning early on in the relationship. Would have saved me a lot of pain in the long run.
omg
@@karendillard5725 She has alienated our children so that they have nothing to do with her. She acts like I'm betraying her if I spend time with my kids or grandchildren. I get along fine with our kids and their spouses. The only person on the outs is her, but she thinks it is everyone else's doing, not hers!
I didn’t put the blinds down in his office. I lost the remote (spoiler alert it actually wasn’t me). I used the wrong cup. I have enough distance from these incidents that all I have left is second hand embarrassment for his behavior.
Don’t forget the quiet rage where you can tell he’s raging but he holds back yelling. Crunching teeth. Furrowed brow.
Yes. Red face 😡
Sharon Reese Chud I don’t know if others experienced the same...I overlooked this silent rage which built up like a volcano over time and eventually erupted into physically violent rage. It’s so important to know this warning sign and I am so glad you brought it up. It is key.
Serpent Goddess Me too. I think because over time I began to see it as an abuse cycle and after this red face there was inevitable punishment.
Yep. Terrifying
Oh 👀
Oh, the crazy, terrifying car rides. I never looked at it as violence. I feel sadness for the younger me who did not recognize this as abuse. Thank you for your work Dr. Ramani ❤️
Oh my gosh!! Every single time we went some place in the car it was a nightmare. Every other driver is a moron and he would rage and curse so much!! I tried to remind him they can't hear him but I can and it's stressful. Haha!! As if talking to them about their behavior ever works!!
I also experienced the trap of a car. I've been slapped and humiliated and the length of the trip determined the length of my terror trip. I learned to talk and be entertaining and listen to my crazy father sing or tell stories. It was like Taming a big gorilla / child
OMG. Car rides!
@@beachjeanne2966 My mom would do that and it fried my nervous system, so I've had to "revisit" those events and calmly tell her to, calm down , and see her as a child as I feel confident next to her... Other wise I would hate her ..and now she's just old and doesnt remember.
Yup 👍… terrifying car rides, rages about simple question.. that opened my mind!
My siblings excuse for my narcissist sister (I'm her target) is that she had a hard life. Her life was a dream compared to my life. There are many, many people who have had hard lives that don't treat people the way she treats me. She sometimes gets short with them, but to me it is always name-calling, put downs, gaslighting, and humiliation. Since I'm the scapegoat in the family, they, of course, blame me. I went no contact with the lot of them. Best thing I ever did for my mental health.
I grew up with a narc mother and a whole family full of enablers, other toxic people and arguably mother narcs. The best decision is to go no contact. It's a waste of time and energy trying to communicate effectively with these people.
My dad did this rage act so much at me as a child, he even once broke the car dashboard punching it as he drove, raging at me. And people still have the gall of telling me that "I need to forgive", and stop being so cold "and have a good heart". My whole childhood and early adulthood was a panic attack and terror of angering him.
Legit crying watching this because this is my life. The road rage, the outbursts and the blaming. Him getting worked up over nothing, over stupid silly things and making mountain out of molehills. It’s enough to make you go insane
Leave while you are still young
@@rusinhouston I did, finally at 36 years old
Sophia, please get out. Plan it carefully.It gets worse with time and will turn physical against you eventually. I can send you a summary of what happened to me, a highly educated business person, at the hand of a narciccist over a period of 5 years. Cars are a key weapon for them - it gives them power. He tried to run me over with my own car when I left him and tried to retrieve some of my belongings. In the car you are captived prey, their rage echos to make them sound more menacing to themselves. They are really fragile ego weaklings that choose empaths to control and scare, to feel bigger and better about themselves.
@@beulahliebenberg4719 I’m so sorry to hear that happened to you and don’t worry I’m moving out on Wednesday. I ended the marriage back in March and we move out next week. I just had enough and I agree it does get worse not better
@@sophiaharper723 that must have taken a lot of strength
Oh the rage especially in the car while he was driving. Terror,,pure terror.
Those are the worst.. nowhere for you to go and they know it! I once opened the door when he was driving and raging and it made him slow down so I rolled myself out of the car. That hurt but just could not face another episode of him having a total raging breakdown in the car.
They rage on purpose in a car to scare u because it’s like ur life is in their hands
their favourite, totally terror. You think you' re dealing with a deamon.They don' t want wittners in their abuse.I used that i'm not feeling well to go at a hospital and managed to talk to a doctor that i'm in danger. He talked to me for borderline disorder or narcissist. Doctor immeadiately understood that there is something wrong and tried help me to come back safe to my place. (i didn' t understood then that he has a personality disorder and was comletely alone in vacation). Be aware, talk loudly to every person you know and get out of there! Sending you a hug!
Yup, the narc would always say "well somebody has to teach them how to drive!", while riding up on the bumper of the car on front of us as both cars are driving in the far left passing lane. So enraged that there is total disregard for the rest of the lives of ppl in the car
@@hg0197 good lord. That is so frustrating and irritating, a couple of the narcs in my life do just that
Yes! The bulging eyes, the bared teeth, the screaming, the horrible personal comments, the yelling right in my face, the slamming out of the house----- OMG having flashbacks of the worst two years of my life. I would have moved out but I was afraid to say I wanted to leave.
My mom had two scare modes. With the first, her eyes would get wide, and she would get this insane smile on her face almost like a mixture of hunger and euphoria as she relished the anguish she inflicted. The second was intense anger, screaming, and physical violence. When in public you would catch a subtle glance from her to see where she was going to direct her rage after we got back home. Having a parent do this is terrifying. You are still developing but a psychotic monster has control over your whole life. She manipulated everyone around her to not believe me, and make me out to be "crazy".
Yes, yes,and yes 😫
I was the scapegoat too of a narcissistic mother. I feel your pain.
Narcissistic rage seems like an adult version of a temper tantrum when their insecurities, patholgies, or viewpoints aren't indulged. It's ego based, not righteous anger. It's immature.
When I watch the Supernanny videos on KZhead and see those three-year-olds throwing tantrums I'm looking at my ex. I picture Supernanny dragging him to the naughty stair and making him sit there no matter how many times it takes.
@@patriciareilly530 You're comment came at the perfect time. I'm writing a book on narcs and what to do in such cases. One strategy is grab the adult-toddler by the head or the shoulders, look at them with panic and concern, and exclaim "What's WRONG with you!?" as dramatically as possible and embrace them tightly - "hold baby" - until they break free. But they have to WORK for it.
@@toxicstatesofamerica1277 You obviously have never bern around a malignant narcissist. That move could trigger violence.
@@valerieparker2242 You obviously don't know me.
*pathologies*
When meeting my narc boyfriend, at the time I did not know much about narcissism. As I watch Dr. Ramani's videos now, I just need to chuckle a bit because he did E X A C T L Y what her videos describe...it was like clockwork: 1. The LOVE BOMBING phase was the first 6 weeks or so. 2. The first RAGE session was when I asked him a question about his diet. Big screaming rage session followed where his eyes turned red, and he then threw our whole dinner in the trash. 3. After such a rage session, he acts as if everything is normal, and when he saw the fear in my eyes, he asked "what's wrong with you/why are you so distressed?" 4. I do not leave him, because I hold onto who he was in the love-bombing phase. I also believe the EXCUSE he tells me about his sad childhood, and I believe that I am the one to heal him. 5. The fact that I do not leave him after his first rage probably triggered the DEVALUATION stage, because he believed that there are no consequences to his actions. 6. Then comes GASLIGHTING, triangulation, more narcissistic rage, you name it! 7. Then I develop a lot of anxiety, and even as someone in my 20's, start developing physical ailments and pain in my body. 8. I somehow, with what little strength I have, decide to leave him. He HOOVERS me back saying what he did was wrong and that he deeply wants to change--he needs ME to help him change. 9. A little bit of love bombing from the narc works on me, but this time he love bombs for only a few days before flying into a rage again. 10. The cycle repeats with devaluation and more gaslighting. Thankfully I was able to end the relationship and celebrate 60 days of no contact :).
There are so many of us that have done this and the fact that you got out while still so very young is amazing! Like the other respondent said, never never never go back, and please learn the red flags so you do not get in a relationship with another narc! They have feelers for us and will hone in on us!!
I'm so happy for you! Stay resolved and do not look back, but only as a gauge for future relationships.
Thanks for your 10 points of a relationship with a narc. It's spot on! Stay free!
@@rachelhill3838 You definitely are right! They have feelers for the empaths.
@@mikah1823 Thanks for taking the time to read it, it means a lot to me :)
I've been on the receiving end of this rage you speak of. It is sudden, unwarranted, Loud and can last hours at a time. My Narcissist would talk to herself out loud, talking her self up in rage to the point of hitting walls, yelling at the top of her voice, going outside and throw the patio furniture all over the yard. The pets in the house would all run and hide and would stay in hiding till the next day in most cases. As time went on THE RAGE would grow in intensity and got to the point that I would take the pets and lock us in a bedroom so she couldn't get close to us. Experiencing this rage is a terrifying experience over the smallest simplest things.
God that brings back awful memories of my life
I heard a gem from my therapist once, while getting counseling about my relationship with my abusive, rage-filled husband. She said " You didn't break him. You can't fix him." That opened my eyes to my inability to fix his pain from his horrific childhood. No matter how much I loved him and was willing to sacrifice for him, only God could fix him.
I was one of those “he never hit me” ok but he punched and broke my bedroom door multiple times, slammed every door and cabinet, terrified me as he drove super fast, oh and let’s not forget him towering over me and spitting in my face. Sounds like violence to me
Yep - same here - all of this happened to me. Only thing I would add is - water poured over me while I was asleep Shoved to a corner of my bed when I was fast asleep
Sounds like we all had the same ex lol. Mine did all of the above but eventually he did hit me, choke me several times and the last time he punched me in the face and broke it in 2 spots. I have ALWAYS heard that abusive relationships only get worse and of course that's exactly what happened. And a man who is going to spit in a woman's face ugh that's horrible and shows they have absolutely zero respect for you. To do these things to the woman who you "supposedly " love and care about and who has done nothing but love their dumbasses. And what I think is almost WORSE than all that (if there could be) is when they deny doing it and then call YOU a liar! Or downplays their actions and words and treatment of you. Hes basically like "All I did was spit in your face you're too sensitive, get over it" I should've said "I just F'd your cousin you're too sensitive get over it" lol
It doesn't have to be violence, to give you enough of a reason to get the hell out. A relationship shouldn't be based on the bare minimum. If you don't feel good when you're around them, leave.
@@valhalla1240 Or if you feel like your on a vacation when their gone.
And being woken up in the middle of sleep to answer stupid questions 😔
Their rage can be so meaningless a lot of times.They show rage sometimes in order to make their victim chase them and beg them to cool down,which increases their power. That rage is a clear indication of someone hurting their fragile ego.
shilpa patil exactly!
@@leciek4404 yes.have experienced this.
Yelp, they will say "don't tell me what to do". I don't like being around them and not fond of them at all
Narcs are "Humonics", half human and half demon. I coined this
@@dontbelongherefromanotherp9807 human just in appearance.
Man this helps me so much. I have been wrongly accused and called the worst names you could ever scream at a person. His face would contort to a snarl, spit flying in my face, finger pointing. Its horrifying. Also, over the most trivial of transgressions committed by me. I am baffled and very hard on myself for choosing this person. Someone that promised to love and take care of me. I have never cheated. I remained devoted, and I loved all my heart. I was truly a fool. In his eyes I am evil, a liar, a witch, snake, bitch, whore, slut, fat, ugly, I should burn in hell, Ect (I can't say the more explicit things) I am seeking more treatment. This man is my husband. He left, and says I am not worth going to jail over. I suppose the stonewalling and abuse can stop and I can move on with my life.
I'm so sorry you went through this. Do not be hard on yourself for not recognizing they were abusive right away. It took decades before I caught on to my sister being a narcissist.
Please be kind to yourself love. You are beauty, intelligent, and a wonderful gift to this world. God made no mistakes. Hugs ❤…I hope your heart comes to believe this
Hope youre doing better! He doesnt deserve you!
I too went through the same thing I couldn’t understand what was happening I was always in a state of confusion, disbelief and panic. He would tell me I was mentally ill I was insecure and always gaslighting him . He would go into a rage if I didn’t agree with what he has to say .. he would tell me I was cheating try and force me to say I cheated.. I was to immature and childish because I couldn’t see the ptsd trigger while he would hit me . Then yell out I never abused you ! You are the one abusing me . Him using METH was my fault. My first time being in a trauma bond relationship everything is my fault my self worth left the building we are now separated and the codependency makes me feel I need to reach out to him and I know it won’t be a good outcome
I'm so sorry you experienced that...I could have written this myself...
Each sentence you say is pure gold!!!!
"You become so fearful of their rage that you get paralyzed and you get stuck"!!!!!!
"Narcissistic rage is often a relatively early red flag you see in a narcissistic relationship that people choose to ignore"... I wish I had seen this video 4 years ago.
Took me 4 years feel like a fooooo
Exactly! And don't feel bad, it took me 4 years as well...
I needed this around my late teens. Soo many toxic relationships.
@@bigpappawampaone It took me nine! 🥺🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I wish the same …
I remember one time being really young, going to McDonalds with my dad. They got his order wrong in the drive thru, and he went crazy. Driving over 60mph in a 30mph zone, whipping his McDonalds bag out the car window, screaming at the top of his lungs, and screaming at my brother for asking him to stop. I also remember him breaking my ipod in front of me after getting mad at me one time. Years later my therapist helped me realize he was a narcissist.
The turnaround from talking or arguing to rage is so dramatic and quick, that it makes you catch your breath and recoil in anticipation of the worst. I always knew that point, when he would go "over the edge" and I needed to take shelter. Normal convo turned into an "attack" on you within seconds and you had better go fast to take cover. What a horrible way to live! How do we manage to deal with this behavior for so long and not lose ourselves completely? The violence he expressed against me (even if I was not being 'hit') eventually is what made me run for my life. It was, as Dr Ramani said, only a matter of time before he took it out on me physically and perhaps, 'finally'.
You have explained the 'rage' best. Convo and in one second all hell
It's that rapid turnaround, in mere seconds, that catches the victim so off guard. And it can be so unpredictable.
I finally left last week during the pandemic with my daughter. Reasons for his rage. Didn't refill the paper towel, couldn't calculate the equation in my head, asked him not to trim the hedges too short, the GPS wasn't working and it was my fault and I did it on purpose, daughter couldn't answer a math question... I'm out!! Now helping my daughter recover from this.
I wished my Mum would have left instead of telling me that it is my fault 😢 I am 41 now and just recently cut contat with them all, Dad, Mum and my sister. They are unfortunately all in the same boat.
So glad you made that decision
Thank god you and your daughter got away.. this quarantine would absolutely escalate that rage after enough time alone with you guys
Stay strong and do not let him sweet talk you back in. Proud of you for getting out!
Congrats on getting out! I am so proud of you for making that decision for both you and your daughter's health, Stay safe and seek support!
Telling a narcissist no is like lighting a stick of dynomite. It has happened to me many times.
I told mine he was wrong about a situation we both experienced but mine was different. He got really offended and blew up in me, calling me a liar and a loser. Broke up with me because it was my fault.
so true...so true
So true. Now to stop the rant I attempt to talk about something I know he likes to talk about to stop it before it starts. I’m in survival mode. After 14 together I just learned through therapy I’m dealing w a narcissist. Game changer for my future.
Yes that’s so right! I wanted a day off work the other day and he lost it on me and threatened all day he was throwing me out!!!!!
Good analogy. With my older brother, simply expressing an opinion, any opinion, was enough for him to do everything in his power to block what I wanted - even if it was just to go through a door.... If he did not immediately get his way, come the rage, keep upping the ante at each 'non compliance', then the fists came out, then full on punching... It reached a point where I realised that if I did not leave, I would be dead soon. I emigrated and still live abroad. Scroll on a couple of decades, and he said in some fury "EVERYTHING I have EVER done in relation to you is RIGHT and PERFECT".
This was my narc mother right up until I went NC. If us kids stood up to her in any way, didn't do everything perfectly all the time she would lose it. Throwing furniture, punching into us. Screaming like a lunatic.
Dr Ramani….. I can’t thank you enough… THIS is exactly how they behave!!! It’s shocking and terrifying!! He would always say I made him fly into rages…. So delighted I ended relationship… it was like being held hostage! They are truly evil!!! Thank you again…. This is invaluable 😀
This is why getting married or having children quickly with someone is sometimes a bad idea. They can’t hide that rage for long so it’s important to date for a couple of years before permanently connecting with these Narcs during their “Love Bombing” phase... they can’t hide that rage for long then you can see the true them and leave.... I wish they taught Narcissism and other personality disorders to children in grade school or high school. Then we could spot a Bully quickly, get away and stop these codependent relationships.
This is such a good point.
Well the emperors new clothes was one lesson but I think it goes over your head when you’re a kid.
So true,
I had experienced this with my ex husband with his rage and anger with especially video games. It was BAD to where I got to the point where I knew it wasn’t healthy for him or I to be married. I even went to his family to ask them about it when I first started noticing his anger and they knew he had issues and his very religious mother acknowledged it and said she has tried this and that but at the end of the conversation it was just like she shrugged it off and it eventually turned to me having an issues and basically is what lead to my divorce. I could not get over the fact that especially his mother was defending him over any sort of issue with the relationship that I was trying to fix and make better. Also the fact he would drag his own mother into our marriage..it was ridiculous and I had to get out because I knew there was no getting through to him and for myself to be happy again, I needed to divorce him (a short lived marriage fail) which was for the best.
Quiche Lorraine I agree! For some reason narcs gravitate towards me...probably because I’m an introvert and they think I’m an easy target lol but! Now I have learned much more about narcs, sociopaths and psychopaths to be careful with whom I get close to. Its been hard for me to especially open up to anyone and I’m 30 now. It upsets me that I am just now have been searching myself to learn more about this and had to do this to understand and have peace with my past to be able to let go. I think this should be learned early on in high school. I did take a sociology class and learned some about personality traits but that was a choice for credits, not everyone takes these classes and the people who probably need to wont chose a class like that because they are a narc. Lol idk
I had become so numb to his rage that when he hit me is when i finally woke up and could take no more ive been divorced for years now thank God i got out with my life.
Carlender Edwards I dealt with the verbal and physical abuse and death threats constantly from my ex. Sadly It became my normal until I also woke up and became my authentic self
@Red Rum I know that feeling all to well. I seeked psychological council did the work on myself to live my best life that means loving yourself like I deserve and nothing less.
I woke up when he pushed me on the floor and started kicking me during an incident of rage. I divorced him and am not looking back. I saved my life!
He hit me fir the last tube when he raged and stepped on and broke my wrist now I’m stuck in a cast fir a month but babyyyy I got away from him as fast as I could
@@Canaday291 they will threaten u with inadvertently
I married a retired pro athlete and we are in the process of a divorce. EVERYTHING you say in your videos sounds like our almost 9 year together. The "rage" part is on point! I remember a time he had a "N rage" he was saying so many hateful things in front of our daughter that I calmed down and asked him in a hurt devastated way "why are you talking to me like this. talk to me with respect as your wife, the mother of your child, a friend. How would you like it if someone talked to our daughter like this" This has been the most eye-opening experience! Worst thing for me is that he has a lots of health issues. When I met him he was alone in pain, I said I would devote myself to see him better "he is so amazing, why is he suffering like this"..... I did! As, soon as he was better he found someone else to spend is healthy time with. When I decided to leave he had gotten sick and was in the hospital. I seen a text where he was saying he loved her. I was so hurt to know I put my life on the back burner to better his for him later to continue to ONLY want to better himself. He completely stopped noticing ME! Living with a narcissist has been the biggest mental challenge of my life!!!
thank you for sharing your story
Our HR was a narcissist and two weeks before her death, while she was at home, sick on chemo, she was still making waves at the workplace and starting drama. She had no time left on this earth yet that was somehow still important in her last, dying days. She was hell to work with. Her dying was like being saved by the bell. She was highly manipulative and could pretty much command our superiors to do whatever she wanted. To her, losing control was worse than death. Works been a lot easier since she’s been gone.
My husband raged for ten minutes and threatened to sell the house because we ran out of ketchup.
I hope you are out of the marriage. I left decades ago and never looked back.
Mine wanted to kill me because I told her I only wanted to spend a few minutes in the store because I had to get the mail out for an order back home. I told her 3 times in the parking lot and then in the store she went crazy evil like she wanted to kill me and it would always last for a good hour. She had to get a lightbulb and I already got some lightbulbs the day before and had it at home. So odd. Do not tell them what to do. No apologies ever.
some call it disrespect
Oh god it's not funny but I can't stop laughing. I'm kinda trapped with one RN . and trying to stay sain .
Oh, that's normal...right?!
They often go into their rages over you not doing what they want you to do, and try to say it’s because you disrespected them. They order you to do things, throw in a fake compliment to try and manipulate you into doing it, and then rage if you choose not to do it. They are just messed up people who never grew up.
So very on point
Yep
They are so bizarre about their expectations and demands for "respect."
This is my mother and sister. Sister wants it all her way. Doesn’t bother asking other people their point of view..it’s all her way. One minute she reaches out to me to say she’s sorry. I ask her what she’s sorry for…she got mad stating she didn’t reach out to get interrogated. ???? Doesn’t want to talk on the phone, just FB messenger. Im over it. Her n my mom both are narcissists.
True but my narc parent would never ever bother complimenting me lol :(
I have experienced narcissistic rage,. It was so scary and unsettling . I did leave my abuser during domestic viilence month last year, and gave had no further contact. The verbal abuse lasted 11 years before it excalated to violence. That narciistic rage isalways lurking beneath the surface. I should have bowed out with grace and dignity years ago. Thanks Dr. Ramani, you are a real jewel.
Hell yeah anger had no limit w these fools
My narcissistic ex frequently had these moments of rage. Screaming that was very scary, name calling, accusations, all of it. I was afraid of him when he was in that state. However, one of the things he also loved to do was poke and poke and poke at me in a passive aggressive way until I became angry. When I am in a confrontation, my tone does change, I become very succinct and to the point. He would tell me this was me “becoming hostile”. In my heart of hearts, I knew that this was not hostility, I was preparing myself for his rage and trying to nip it in the bud before the tantrum could happen, but after I while he convinced me that I was hostile and volatile. Eventually I started doing the opposite, I would just apologize and agree with everything he was saying. He then would tell me that I was being disingenuous and it was like “talking to a wall”. No matter which route I tried to take to avoid the awful fights we would get in, it was the wrong route. The relationship ended months ago and I am still left wondering if maybe I really was the problem and a bad person, even though none of my other relationships came close to being as toxic as the one I had with him. People like this will EXHAUST you to your core, and make you doubt and question yourself over everything.
I left my ex after 33 years of marriage. He was physically and verbally abusive, dismissive, insulting, controlling - the list goes on and on. The final straw was when he ripped out a railing from the plaster in our house as he looked at me like he could kill me. Scary stuff. I've been free for 6 years. It's doable - therapy and supporting friends and my sister helped tremendously. I had to learn who I was, what I like. I walked on eggshells the whole marriage. Life is good now.
So happy for you , it takes courage , I did the same .
Sounds like my marriage
Congratulations to you! I am in a similar situation now and I’m so so scared to leave😢
@@rnlyle16 you can do it. It may feel like it's impossible and you may be asking yourself questions like "where am I gonna go?" "How am I going to support the kids?" "How am I going to work with the kids? Who's going to watch them?" "How am I going to get them clothes and food and a roof over their head?" "How am I supposed to do this by myself?" But trust me, you can do this. There are so many community resources everywhere and organizations that help out women in these situations, especially mothers and their kids. Reach out and ask for help and keep reaching out. There might be some that can't help right now but don't get discouraged. You can and will find help. Just keep making calls until you find something. Most will help with housing, child care, schooling and/or work, the court process for a divorce, custody, restraining order and will keep you safe if you're in danger. They'll help get you on your feet. They'll give you all the resources you need to be able to do it if you're willing to do the work. They'll walk you through everything. And please get counseling. You're worth so much more than you think or believe. You're so much stronger too. You got this. You don't have to live like this. Hugs from a stranger on the internet. I believe in you and I have faith that you can do it. 💜
Me3 I agree... worth getting out
I've dealt with narcs when they exhibited narcissistic rage...they TRULY acted *evil/hateful/demon-possessed* 😬 and the amount of anger/hatred/vindictiveness was ALWAYS *disproportionate* to what they were angry about 🙄😅
You just described my dad and brother. They looked demon possessed! It’s so scary!
@@susie2366 😢😞 hang in there Ms. Susie 😘
@@crencottrell7849 Thank you, Oren. Your simple kind words brought tears to my eyes. I’m wishing you well too and sending hugs. 💌
Yes. My mother and my brothers.
They are demon possessed. My ex narc blew up in a rage over something trivial. I just sat there calm and let him blow up. It was like I was watching someone I didn’t know. That was 1 1/2 month into this addictionship. I should have called it quits at that time, but did not. I put up with another 1 1/2 month of craziness. Decided life was too short and I wanted my peace. He tried to come back a few times after that, and I said No. Then I found Dr Ramani and others on KZhead talking about narcissist. That’s when I realized what he was, then I realized everyone man I dated was a narcissist. Most were covert passive aggressive narc. I didn’t know the silent treatment was their way of abusing me. I am healing myself now. My spirit of discernment is on overdrive now, looking to point out the narcissists.
I’ve had at least three narcissistic bosses, all of which have had explosive tantrums in front of clients and employees.. frightening
My mother is a covert narcissist. I spent much of my childhood dealing with her terrifying spells of random rage. I only figured out recently (40 years later) that my asthma, sinusitis, etc. are all my body's ways of defending itself from this repeated horror as a child.
Her "vomit" comment was spot on!! I used to say my ex-husband was like a sea gull that flies over and craps all over them and flies off feeling lighter and free all the while the rest of us are standing there with crap all over us.
Great analogy
Exactly, THEY are over it & can just move on without a thought of what they did to others.
It's almost an orgasm for them.
@@user-22- and they often say “I didn’t make you cry, you made yourself cry”
Perfect analogy
This was the first red flag I experienced while 3 months in with a narc. He couldn’t even listen to anyone else’s point of view without feeling attacked. So highly insecure. I learned to keep secrets. I even purchased a house without telling him after rage after rage. We only dated a year so I didn’t feel obligated to tell him everything I did during that time. I made an offer on a house and it was accepted. He raged on me yet again one evening in public at dinner. I decided enough was enough and he woke up to a text saying “thanks for yet again showing your anger. I see the real you and I’m done. Btw, I bought a new house for 500k. I’m leveling up without you. Fuck you”. I was done done done! These assholes should not have any power over you, ever. Keep your autonomy legally. Do not give them an inch.
Good for you!! I didn't realise how sad, unhappy and pathetic these people are!! Mindblowing.....seriously!! A raise a glass to you and hope you are thoroughly enjoying your home!
There's so much i didn't know. Now, I'm so traumatized, i can't see straight.
Sandra Addae thank you so much! I am! It took 9 months for the trauma bond to break but now I realize even my worst day is better than my best day with a narcissist. I feel like my health and peace are back on track! I know I caused a narcissistic injury because he moved away! I’m on the west coast. He’s now on the east coast. I raise a glass to you as well! I’m alone but not tortured anymore. The best we can do is to heal our wounds so we don’t attract abusive partners. We don’t deserve to be disproportionately affected by the tiniest of perceived threats. May you find peace!
I kept secrets too until I could be rid of him. I just so happen by instinct and pure luck followed a lot of Dr. Ramani's advice. I didn't know he was a narcissist until after the relationship was over. Then I came here 90% of what she describes was him.
@@bandeleganiyu7596 there has really been an 'awareness' in the last 8 or so years, of narcissism, and NPD, which was not in mainstream consciousness prior. It isn't even in the DSM for more than a little portion. I do not know what the revisions have been to the manual, but with this new enlightenment about narcissism, a multitude of channels that talk about it, I'd imagine it's been revised to include a whole lot of details and information.
Here is a story from my childhood. My parents were always switching seats and tables in restaurants for awhile. Too cold too close to the door too Smokey. They would also get all fussy with who sat where. My mom wanted my Scape Goat brother to switch with her. He was eating and said no. She dumped him out of his wood chair in front of everyone. That day I knew this was not ok and not normal.
My brother created a situation that justified, in his mind, physical violence against me. He tried to beat me up, his little brother. Well the more that didn't work for him the madder and more enraged he became. It escalated fairly quickly to his trying to bash my brains out with a cast iron stool. This was when I was 21 and he was 24. He told my other siblings that I used my karate to beat him up. The reality was I just tried to keep him from hurting me. I'm now 61 and he has really done a lot of damage to my relationships with my other two siblings. I'm the truth teller that became the scapegoat child. I keep all of my siblings at a distance and am pretty much a loner that doesn't trust many if any people. This loner situation was made much worse by the female covert narcissist that I was married to for 5 years. I've got depression issues, alcohol addiction, anxiety and trust issues. Being the truth teller is a special talent, but is also a curse. It's almost impossible to avoid the issues that come with it. I would still rather be an empathetic person than a person with no concept of empathy.
It’s funny how in a dysfunctional family dynamic the narcs bully insults and rage are acceptable but when the person that is being scapegoated or belittled gets angry everyone attacks them... Very sad Thank you Dr Ramani 💓
I dunno- for a very long time I can't even raise my voice, so used to being quiet and fading into the background.
Heather Smith I totally understand you, stay around those who love and appreciate you. That you feel comfortable around x
you can not say anything back. I had a father who left me speechless.
@@andrewmass1414 I understand Sending love
@Ash Man You are not the only one, so sad. I hope you are okay x
If only I had understood this, 47 years ago!😥
Oh... So sorry.....
I feel you sister!!
Me too 🥰
46 yrs. but hey , packed up my stuff and left , not getting another minute of my time and empathy , they all end up alone , so sad !
Children just don't think, the rages are just a fact of life. "Stay outside for a while, your mother isn't well". 50 years later I still turn ice cold when I hear a raised voice.
I always wondered about these tantrums my mom would display over nothing. These raging moments always surprised me when they happen but thinking back of her pattern of behavior I would inquire of her well being always triggered her tantrums and she let me know I am the reason there is drama in our family. I am the scapegoat of the family. Example: She is visiting us in the city and has declared she was tired and wanted to stay home the next day as we had been sight seeing a few days already. I agreed and advised her my cousin wants to see you can she come visit tomorrow for brunch? Yes that would be great my mom replied. We get my cousin on the phone and my mom proceeds to tell her this long laundry list of foods she wanted my cousin to bring. This list would require my cousin to wake extra early and go to two- three different bakeries in diff parts of town all via different trains and then catch another train to get to our place. My cousin then tell us okay I'll pick up all your favorites and be at your place around 10am. My moms replied after speaking on the phone and planning this visit with my cousin was " Okay but I might not be home at that time. I asked what do you mean mom where are you going and she shrugs and laughs coyly and says oh I don't know.My cousin was rendered speechless but I was not. I quietly thanked my cousin for her time and said I will call you back and got off the phone. I look at my mom and ask again What was this all about? and she just gave me this weird look and I asked again trying to be calm and explained you said you wanted to stay home and my cousin has been wanting to visit with you for days now and I checked if her visit was okay as you wanted to stay home. now after 30 mins of giving a list of foods you wanted from certain bakeries and my cousin says 10am arrival time you all of a sudden tell her you might not be home. What is this about? because this is not normal behavior. My mom proceeds to start screaming at me and getting so mad and went and slammed the door on our bathroom and lock herself in the bathroom. Meanwhile my husband had been at the quickie mart picking up some supplies and had missed the whole conversation on the phone but arrived asking me what was going on because my mom was hitting the walls in the bathroom and slamming the cabinets and screaming and cussing in our native language. I kept begging her to come out and calm down and I was crying and this is the scene my husband had walked in to. He had heard about the tantrums but to hear it first hand and witnessing the stories of my childhood right before his eyes broke him. When my mom realized my husband was home she went quiet and came out to sit at the dinner table when I was serving dinner as if nothing was amiss. No apology. No explanation of why she got so angry or why she was acting passive aggressive to my cousin and me. Nothing. This is a picture of my whole life in this one story. Did anyone else experience this type of behavior growing up?
My mother didn't demand any food from guests as she despises to invite people. She also can't stand 99% of her own relatives because they are not successful enough in her opinion (as if SHE is a CEO of a huge rich company or something). Otherwise she did have tantrums over small things unless I finally agree to not go out with friends or go visit someone - she despised not only inviting people to her place, but also going somewhere. it was like a switch, she was calm again after she got what she wanted.
One time we were walking through a Vegas casino - I lived there and she wanted to see the Fish Tank from the TV show in one of them. Well it closed and being renovated. Disappointing yes but we could drive out to the suburban location. Ok. And she was hungry so I suggested the Irish pub in the casino. SHE THREW A CHILD LiKE FIT and refused to walk. Over the food being “too heavy”. She was like a camel and folded up. It awkward and awful and eventually I drove 30 minutes away to Cheesecake Factory for a salad. So yes this is disordered behavior.
This manipulation is familiar. The anger from my mother wasn’t after the manipulation but after not getting what she wanted including after unclear directions/requests. We were always “against her”.
My spouse grew up in this environment, was spoiled and enabled and now he's full blown narco. I grew up in a violent and verbally abusive home. I'm the people pleaser, but can never satisfy my abuser. This goes on daily now for 15 yrs. I've taken a vow and decided I deserve this and will deal with it. It's much worse somehow, but since my spouse was diagnosed with cancer and just started treatment, I'm stuck and we both suffer
Hope you get out of it soon. Sending you strength x
What's worse is that when they are in rage and gaslight you and provoke you to yell back and get very anger from the pain they are inflicting on you, they then secretly press the voice record button on their phone so that they can use that to make you look like the angry unstable one.
Take comfort in the fact that there are plenty of healthy people out there that would be able to decern,that provoked situation for EXACTLY what it is. Not to mention if any healthy person were to view or hear a recording like that, they'd scenes that it was intentionally orchestrated in the pit of their stomach, & would find it completely slimy, and creepy to go to such lengths in order to obtain outside validation and maintain their "victim" supply charade.
my daughter 100%
@@robinbeard5467 and my sister
@@robinbeard5467 I'm sorry but when there's a child with this disorder in the family, there's always parents too. And generally speaking, we all have gathered here because we have issues, and not only people around us
do vice versa, i now record every conversation from the start!
I imagine listening to this will trigger CPTSD trauma. But I can attest to this. Get out before your health is impacted - or you’re potentially killed. The rage flips faster than a light switch and is horrifying. Like living out a psycho movie.
Serpent Goddess I’m so glad to hear you say that and will help me push through the entire video. I’m at 20 min and started watching almost an hour ago. Lots of triggers.
Elevating Inner Self - Well said!!
Exactly, listening to this made me remember how I was beaten black and blue, I don't know for how many minutes and then dragged to the bathroom to forcefully shower me over my bloody face and dress. That wasn't the only time.... It was hard to listen even decades after the incidents, even if I am totally healed and happy. The scars remain, unfortunately. I should add that it was for a very little things.
Lola Gul gut wrenching story Lola. Yes very little things. The strangulation and dragging down hallway by my throat to the point of near pass out happened because I asked why he was bragging to his son about stalking women who drive Mercedes. Was not the only time for me either...was only the beginning that got worse from there.
I had difficulty finishing the video. I disassociated a couple of times and had to rewind. Scary memories!
When my mom hit rage level the first warning was the unnerving noise of her grinding teeth crackling followed by her hair literally puffing up about an inch. It is the most terrifying thing I've ever experienced. This level of rage was when you needed to flee or physical damage would follow. Every time she ever struck me was during one of these. The trigger was usually me standing up for myself...
My ex's rages were absolutely terrifying. The last one was the final straw and I go out.
The air in the room changed. Like before a tornado hits the air goes eerily calm and full of static electricity at the same time, the barometric pressure changes. Its really really scary. Eyes changed color like a shark or animal going in for the kill. There were times I would just stay quiet, not react and he would continue the rage to a corner in the room, he would look for a mirror to watch himself. He would scream at "me" and not even see me. It felt like those nightmares when you can't move, you can't run. Its so damaging and takes years to work through. Get out if and when it is safe for you to do so. As soon as possible.
Excellent analogy....you paint a brilliant word/emotional picture. Are you a writer? If not..in my opinion...you would make a very good one.
Thank you, that is so very kind of you. Until someone experiences it for themselves I found I had to find tangible ways to others relate or being to understand what it is. To say someone yelled at me and it was scary doesn't do this narcissistic rage any justice. I was even told that fights are what make a relationship stronger. 😖😣 your words gave me hope and strength! Thank you. Stay safe!
venusbonjour he did most of the time. Sometimes he needed to rage just to rage. I learned not to engage. When this happened he would find ways to keep his tantrum going. For me it was even more scary when he didn’t look at me. Like being in the middle of a fight i had no choice but to endure until he passed out or broke something. I appreciate and sympathize with your interpretation of why, the trauma he survived etc. I can only say it is a slippery and dangerous slope to presume their behavior is based on anything other than their own grandiose belief that they have every right to do so, and subsequently enjoy it. Cycles of abuse are often misinterpreted in NPD. They can turn it on and turn it off.
My ex covert narc once ranged because I read a text message of a girl saying “did I do something wrong?” And I knew he was messing around. Everything was normal, we went to the concert but when he got in the hotel elevator, he immediately started to give me the silent treatment. Like it was punishment and he narcissistic raged all over again my throwing his phone against the wall and being completely silent and standing in the dark all night. It is the most horrifying experience I have ever had in my entire life. My mom wondered how i even stayed in that hotel room that night without getting another room. I told her, “I just never really slept that night”
Nora Peace I’m so sorry that happened to you. Until you are the victim you see only that they are charming and wonderful their carefully crafted persona. My therapist wasn’t understanding how doing these things was abuse, perhaps I was over reacting. I told her he may not have touched me but he threatened the space around me, he controlled the air I breathed. That’s more power than anyone person should have over someone they claim to love. Your memory gives me flashbacks. I know all too well, your kind races and you can’t make sense of anything. I’m so sorry. I hope you are finding more space and respect and love for yourself.
The narcissist I dated was mad at me when I caught her cheating. She became violent. Leave these people. They only love themselves. Be careful leaving a narcissist. Leave them carefully.
Yes. They get very vindictive when you dump them. #BeenThere
Wow...
Same here, stay safe, stay strong 👍
I finally found the courage to leave my narcissist when he send me a picture of the guns he bought. His rage never got better, once he took 2 days building a fence at our home a few days later he broke it by punching it when I asked him to not drink too much so we could spend time together, that he was having too much. I felt stuck, I felt like I couldn't speak to him anymore.
Well said 👍
Just gone trough my first experience with this kind of rage, it’s absolutely terrifying. I’m a very sensitive person, it scarred me so much. I’m afraid he will punch me next time, so I have to get out. Luckily he’s giving me the silent treatment so I hope he will continue this forever. I’m not up with this. Thank you for explaining this rage, you saved me from much hurt
Just experienced narcissistic rage after a narc I know broke into my home. He berated me for how messy the apartment was, then flew into a fit of rage. He continued texting me for days. I answered sternly and appropriately at all times. So now I get the silent treatment and he is talking with everyone about what a douchebag I am. You can't make this stuff up. The audacity of narcissists is just unbelievable.
Literally sitting here in tears because this WAS my life. God brought me through & I choose to put myself & children FIRST! You can only imagine what Narcissistic Rage does to a child 💔💔. Thank you so much for this Dr.Ramani 🙌🏾 I knew I wasn’t crazy!
I know what narcissistic rage does to a child. I am the child of a malignant grandiose narcissist mother and a malignant covert narcissist. It’s a life long mental and physical prison. The agonizing chronic pain from unexplainable diseases. The failed abusive relationships. The lonely self isolated life due to hyper vigilance.
I wish I had known. My 1st born child is dead from OD and a hole in his heart. I have finally started getting mental health help. I have been married 22 years. Very slowly over time depression crept over me until culminating in 2018 and I wrote a suicide note and my husband brought me to inpatient therapy. And still I did not follow through with my mental health afterwards. Now I see it so clearly how the constant emotional abuse piled on me in layers until I was smothered by the weight of it. My poor children. God forgive me for what I have allowed them to be exposed to, and what I myself have done to them. Today my husband told me that my depression made him depressed and is why he started using heroin. To this day he goes into a rage when I suggest things done by him to me in the past were hurtful and damaging. Things I never brought up out of fear He claims he has apologized when he hasn't, that I shouldn't care because it happened so long ago, and( possibly most painfully). He lied to me about witnessing a woman getting raped and being helpless to help her (he said this to me while in tears and after I told him how difficult it was to be comfortable alone with people because I had been raped). When this lie was very recently exposed, his response was "everyone lies in the beginning of relationships to look better" I am still paralyzed with shock of realizing what my life really has been, who my spouse really is, and with trying to navigate the grief and guilt of my my son's death. My mother would explode into rages as well when I grew up
@@mjmama5869 I am so sorry to hear about your son and all your pain. I got the same sentence from my husband when I tried to explain to him why "I wasn't as tender and loving as before" because all the insults and rage and he didn't apologize, just kept saying "oh you are always bringing up the past". "That was so long ago". The reality was that it kept happening over and over.
How did you get you and your kids out?
@@jessewade4557 if you are asking me. It has taken a bit of practice on my part, but l started considering most of what he said "noise" (since I know what the truth is and I will not give any attention or response to any gaslighting behavior). And I have learned to calmly say my truth. I didn't have to get out. He left! And I feel so free! I still have weak moments where I find anger building because I feel like he owes me some validation or apology, but I am learning to get validation from myself. And it really does feel good.
"Narcissistic rage is the genie you can never put back in the bottle." These words bore into my soul the first time I heard Dr Ramani say them and then the floodgates opened.
She used to say everytime I would try to talk about it with her "they're just anger words". Yeah...hate and rage vomited all over everything in the room.
"Anger words" that sounds like something a toddler would say to explain their feelings 😂
Being with a narcissist through covid who was antimask was so scary. 24/7 triggers for narcissistic rage every single time he saw someone wearing a mask outside of a hospital...
You do know now that the masks along with the vaccine doesn't prevent anything right.?
The narcissist I was with got satisfaction from knowing that I feared him. It made him feel powerful.
Yes, they have to be in control all the time, so they use every thing to keep you subdued. I hate drama, so I was a perfect person to control.( Even though I am a strong minded individual, my heart would try to avoid the hurt caused by their rage. I loved her and hated to see her upset most of the time.)
Mine is trying to instill fear. I'm with the Lord and he can't phase me in that sense. He leaves out bullet shells next to Kaboom bottles. He points his skull hat in my direction. Just stupid childlike stuff. I've already reported to police and to the city. I am disabled and not able to go anywhere else at the moment. So I have to stand my ground and protect myself legally.
I don’t want anyone to fear me. Someone who fears you will kill you
The narcissist i was married to HATED that I didn’t fear him, not trying to minimize you at all, I understand you. He wanted to hit me, but he did that once and it didn’t go the way he expected. I’m sorry you went through that, i hope you’re out and safe now.
@@Maleni143 There's nothing wrong with fear. It's a very uncomfortable emotion but it's our instinct trying to protect us by alerting us that a situation is dangerous. Our instinct knows before our mind does in many cases: especially with a narcissist whose manipulative mind games tend to keep us in a state of confusion. The issue, however, is what we do with fear: do we take it as a warning sign, trust our instincts and take steps to protect ourselves? Or do we allow fear to control us and keep us stuck in a bad situation that can/will ultimately end up destroying us? I am now out, safe and making sure I keep strong boundaries (some would call that fear too; I call it wisdom). In my case fear didn't produce the results my narcissist expected/wanted.
I grew up thinking that narcissistic rage was a normal way for a mom to show her disappointment. Boy was I wrong...
Katy D - me too. Additionally she told me that all families were like this. It’s impossible for a child.
Especially when you try to talk to different people and they go like, oh yeah my father does the same thing, I just ignore him, but they wouldn’t understand at all, I never felt understood
To this day if mom so much as drops a teaspoon we all duck and scatter. 50 years on....
No excuses-he went into a narcissistic rage driving down a crowded highway because someone “cut” in front of him in a five car space ahead of him, he was driving 75 miles an hour-on a 55mph mark-screaming, banging on the steering wheel and taking his hands off the steering wheel-to pull at his hair-then trying to sideswipe the driver/car-I took control of the situation by screaming at him to pull over and stop the car-he refused until push my side door open-I had my seatbelt on-when he did I got out of the car and refused to get back in-he drove off in a fury and one of the other drivers who had witnessed this horrid scene gave me a ride home, the man and I had been on a first date-and that was the biggest brightest red flag ever! I was glad to have survived that trauma for sure, but I’m wary about getting in a car on first dates.
Last week my mother threw a tantrum of narc rage when I shredded a piece of junk mail that she wanted to read. I just stood there looking at her . I didn’t even flinch. No reaction. So she grabbed my iPad and said” I’ll throw this” . I calmly said. “ okay”. It was so ridiculous. The rage was off the chart. And actually, for once I found it hilarious and I laughed it off, and kept going,👏🏼👏🏼I wish I had recorded the entire event. I never think that fast on my feet,
OMG! Now that I remember, my mother did the same thing. In this case it was a mailer for a political candidate. I tore it up and was about to throw it away as junk mail usually is, when she got angry at me and told me that it was a signed picture she wanted. I just looked at her like...What?! It was a computer generated signature that was on a mailer. She insisted it was signed and she wanted it. I told her I could get her a new one, as I'm sure there were many or more were to come. Anyway, she was an energy vampire. My brothers would enable her childish behavior and told me not to throw away her pictures. I said...It was a mailer. They insisted she was right. I left them behind 7 years ago. I couldn't go along with that anymore.
@@Subspace._tripmine SMH. you can’t make this **it up! 🤣 Bugs me when the enablers swear to the gaslighting as if it were the gospel. It’s as if they all live in never never land. Good for you for hitting the road 👍🏽
My dad raged at me, for telling him to let me finish the page I was reading in my book and then I would watch TV with him. He beat me that night, also after that night was the night I chose to leave. Which led to me to leave and then my sister left after me. We still need a lot of therapy and help but we are getting better 😌.
I am very sorry you have experienced physical abuse by your father. A parent should be loving and caring.....a safe haven. I am very touched by your courageous step to choose you. Know that this act of self-empowerment is a valuable one. It defines the rest of your (happier) life. Wishing you both unconditional love, light and freedom🍀⚘🧚♀️🙏🌈
If your partner is narcissist, then definitely leave him/her. But parents have done favours for us for decades when we were not needed in the society. So lifetime we can not return back the favours even if we tried. So however bad our parents may be, we should not leave them or treat them like anyone else. We need to bear with them, after all, we will miss them once they die
@@wealthmastery6845 um. No. Parents aren't "doing us favors" by raising us, and the way you act as if kids don't have value is disturbing. They are our future. Parents CHOSE to have us, and that's the BARE MINIMUM. No one should ever have to deal with abuse just because its family. That's absurd. And I cant imagine thinking my kids OWE me something for raising them. That wasn't a damn favor. That is my job, and they never asked to be here. I actually love them.
I can relate so much, my dad literally would smash up the house because I turned the TV up a bit or even turned on a light at the “wrong time”. He screamed at me for flushing the toilet or having a shower at “the wrong time” daytime I wasn’t allowed Because it’s “too noisy”, evening is when he wanted to shower so it wasn’t allowed. The morning wasn’t allowed also because he wanted to shower. I was always dirty. If I pooped and didn’t flush he would scream at me, but if Indid flush it I’m too loud again. He used to try to freak me out by shouting at me naked too wtf.
I wish you healing and most of all trust in yourselves.
The Narcissist will push any normal person to the point of rage it is part of their plan to undermine your human dignity. They don't observe a line, there are no boundaries
Yep, absolutely terrifying. My life with my husband for 46 years. I finally realised I was in mortal danger as the abuse escalated and I understood things were never going to get better. Going though divorce and financial settlement now. OMG what a nightmare 😢 I’m thankful I finally reported the abuse, he now has a conviction I have a restraining order for protection. But he is doing everything in his power to hold up settlement proceedings. God help me to get through this 🙏
So sorry,I understand.But praise God you are doing something about it,may God bless you and help against those demons.
Thankyou for your lovely comment Diana ❤
Hope youre getting better!
@@Valir15 Thankyou so much. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel after two and a half years. I have received half of the settlement he owes me and I’ve managed to put a deposit on a very tiny little space for myself and my little fur baby. I’m so excited to finally start my new life standing on my own two feet. No more having to please anyone but myself 😄 not long now. I’m going to be ok. It’s a little sad I wasted my whole life in this relationship. But I’m safe and well now . Thankyou for your thoughts. I hope all is well with you too 💖💖
I’m working on forgiving myself for not leaving and being discarded.
ALL of these :( "immune system dysfunction, headaches, muscle aches, exacerbation of existing health problems, problems with sleep, problems with concentration, changes in appetite, a whole range of psychological issues including anxiety, fear, rumination, avoidance, hypervigilence, sadness, depression, helplessness, hopelessness, powerlessness and even isolation" And being suicidal.
Most suicides are caused by narcissistic abuse. Murder by proxy.....
Fibromyalgia
Also add: digestive problems to that list
When I was a child, I had stress headaches and psoriasis on my legs and forehead. My doctor said it was "stress." Nobody thought to ask why a 9-year-old was so stressed. After my father completely estranged me at 38, my psoriasis cleared up, and I rarely get headaches. He rarely spanked me, and never beat me, but I always knew his wrath was terrifying.
And you are labelled as the weird one, the weak one...
@@annasurf595 In fairness, I am kind of weird. But I'm OK with it.
I remember not wanting to go home from the hospital. The hospital was safe from the "crazy". haha.
Tom, I have experienced similar issues. My 'dad' gave me benign hypertension from trauma as a child and now am suffering from chronic osteoarthritis because he thought it was cool to have a twelve year old do a man's day work on a family farm by himself while he enjoyed beer and television
Both my parents used to scare the heck out of me as a kid. They looked like out of control lunatics to me, and I was a little kid!! I felt like a horrible kid and felt like I was always letting them down. I stayed away from my dad for years because I was afraid of him...even as an adult. I always sided with my mom against my dad when she would complain about him to me (I was 8). I've always felt so protective of my narcissistic mother. She's 92 now and very bitter and unhappy. I put myself through school and am starting a new career. She definitely has mixed feelings about my success.
WOW… this is so true!!! I did see the signs early… and made excuses for him. I really wish I would’ve known what I was getting myself into! Because those signs did turn violent and I refuse to be labeled as the victim! I am only two months out of the horrific situation I put myself in after being stripped from everything! Rage for narcissism is the absolute worst!
So true! The narcissists also use their rage as a form of control of others. They can control themselves, which is why they choose where and when to rage.
He said I PUSHED HIM TO THAT POINT.... It was my fault. He(apparently) had no control over how he acts/ reacts. Took no responsibility.
Don’t let their rage get to you! Just laugh at it
@@davidoaikhena4380 Ok... But when you grey rock them, and THEY CANT TAKE BEING IGNORED, so they come at you and Physically Assault you.. Hit you and squeeze your head--- then what????????
They even are confirmed that it works, and so it can go from bad to worse...
@@suzanne4396 then you have them arrested and put them in jail
You have described my mother to T. I grew up walking on egg shells due to viloent, narcassistic rage. And you're right, at 53 yrs old I'm still very afraid of anyone who slightly shows anger. It's a huge trigger for me. Thanks Dr for this video
You're 53? You look amazing! Sorry off topic lol I grew up with a narcissistic abusive stepfather who was never not screaming or angry about something. I've learned when someone is angry to separate myself from the situation and try to see why they're behaving this way vs assuming it's all my fault like I used to. Have you tried that?
Wandering Free It was my father. My mom aided and abetted in spite of being a victim herself
Wandering Free This was my situation with my Mother. My Dad and Brother never protected me because they were happy not to be the target themselves- As an Adult, I am avoidant of expressions of anger as I find it triggering and I don’t trust anyone to look out for me. On the plus side, I am very independent and never take my freedom for granted.
You n me both. I'm 54, she is 92. In a home now, being sweet then turning on them. The eager I have seen. Then blaming me for her anger. Doing it in public to get attention, what a horrible child I am. I still dread visiting her, dread giving her the wrong gift or forgetting to kiss her goodbye. What she's saying behind my back, so others feel sorry for her. I stay no longer than an hour and keep conversation light, I entertain her with KZhead and ask questions about her life then go home relieved I made it through the hour. The worst was her anger with someone else n she took it out on me. She'd say get outta my sight after the screaming, I would go to my room and stay there then she would complain to the neighbors how I never come out of my room, never spend time with her. I believe she has OCD too. If I tidied up wrong the whole street heard her. The poor nursing staff never do anything right. She's in such a lovely place with great staff. Not good enough.
@@dbb96ac I was in same situation as you, my mother was scary. Now I have an adult son who has it. Distance is all you can do. Everyone loved my mother they didn't live with her!!
My narc mother created mental triggers in me over the years after a lot of financial and mental abuse. Her favorite activities were, slamming the door, groaning and doing heavy sighs every time she entered the house or was near my room where I could hear it, complains when I wash my hair at the wrong time, cuss over every small darn thing like finding some pet hair on her finger, giving me stares for no reason, constantly interrupting my work at home, screaming when I close my door to get some privacy, trying to take up hours of my time to be her taxi driver while never bothering her star-child to assist her, doing self harm threats and having petty tantrums when I got more important things to do and she was just giving off this negative air. So basically I ended up juggling through constant depression, anxiety, anger fits and got triggered even over a simple negative sound coming out of her... not really from other people, just her The irony is that I got labeled as the crazy raging narc...
And the end I got this rages like him 😢 doubting if I am a narcissist. Then I remember myself how beautiful my relationship before him was. That narcisist took me to his level
The first time I witnessed this rage, I felt like I slipped into the Twilight zone. We were still "in love" at the time, having normal conversation. Something felt slightly off& I felt the shift of energy & an anxiety I couldn't explain. Suddenly his facial expression went from friendly to agitated& He couldn't sit still in his chair, began pacing and talking louder. "You can't even boil WATER can you?!" .... I was still confused as to what was happening as he wasn't in his Hulk rage body that I would eventually see & fear. I laughed because who can't boil water?! & asked if he was joking. He wasn't joking. Laughing at the question didn't go over well. "You can't be serious. WHO can't boil water?" I thought for a moment I could turn his mood around. How niave. What was this sudden mood? He was a self-professed Lover of Life & Laughter. Why didn't he want to laugh with me? I learned he never truly did. He was just playing a role. After the first rage, I agreed to let him explain over lunch. With crocodile tears he was so so sorry. Explained away his cruel words that hit me like a train and he promised he would never do it again, he didn't mean anything he said. This was a lie. In reality, He was the train & I needed to get off the tracks. With each rage I dismissed, the train got stronger. Eventually it wanted to smash me right into the track. I was physically injured, emotionally gutted, but I vowed I would free myself. Of course he followed up with months of stalking/hoovering hell. I am free of him now. Dr. Ramani, I wish I heard this 20 years ago. It could have literally changed the course of my life.
I’m in for 21 yrs too.. 😢
I too wish the same After 20 years... Tho still married to him... I am emotionally and physically and financially getting detached. Have Had enough
@@chandanamaitra5692 I'm so sorry you're still experiencing this. Have you considered talking to someone at a domestic violence organization? Sending you peace and strength. Hold on. It's never too late to free yourself.
Ok, that sounds unpleasant indeed however my understanding is a narcissist will NEVER apologize or show any weakness or vulnerability. But I think he might have been in the beginning stages of developing narcissism and going back and forth. Unless it was a calculated staged act he was doing to get you back in his grip. A full blown narcissistic person comes to enjoy a position of power and superiority however deluded it may be. Then they never want to return to the place of weakness again. A internal struggle may go on for a while depending on how much of a conscience and empathy they have. And probably other factors such as role models, peer pressure, or survival coping skills. I think with the extreme neglect and emotional abuse I went through I could have turned towards manipulation to get what I want. But I think a head injury actually prevented me from becoming a full blown narcissist and actually lead to me being a victim. Everyone is on the spectrum and has the potential to develop narcissistic traits to some degree. My two cents worth.
Mine also would tear up but later I perceived how easily his eyes could tear. "I don;t know why I say the things I do." " Forgive me." 'That was for 6 months. Then no attempt or acting like he was sorry. The tears were for effect no sorrow or desire to change the anger and fear he poured out on me. He never cleaned up the mess. I became very afraid. Waking up in fear for the first year during our divorce.
Dr. Ramani is right! Narcisstic rage eventually leads to physical violence. This video was so spot on. This series has been so helpful and enlightening. Never again!!!
Aleceia Kidd Yes it does. I’ve witnessed this
My mother always hit my sister and me when she raged. Hit my father too
My father is threating to beat me up. Yesterday alone he threatened me 3 or 4 times. Should I constantly carry something for self-defence in my own house?
121211¹¹¹¹¹¹⅕
Thank you for the comment about unsafe driving. Boyfriend would terrify me with speed, cutting off cars and engaging in road rage episodes. He would taunt me if I said anything. I would sit in silent terror and that would trigger him more. Pure torture!
Narcissist rage was part of my youth as the way my father dealt with many situations. Last month, at 68 years old, I experienced it again from him. Thanks to your videos on this subject, and all I have learned from your postings, for the first time ever I gray-rocked him twice. Yes, it was scary and risky, but IT WORKED!!!!! I also gave my enabling mother an on the spot demonstrated of what should have been done with him years ago. She is afraid of his rage, and after 70 years of marriage I fear that may never change. But, it did nothing but make me feel proud of myself and empowered. Thank you for your channel, and all you do to get the messages out explaining what the reality of this behavior really is.