ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
smarturl.it/not-you
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
doctor-ramani.teachable.com/p...
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
www.drramaninetwork.com
GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
forms.gle/1RRUz41eWswjw63o6
SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST
forms.gle/Bv9GNuMSR55PKTjQ6
LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/2fUMDuT...
Stitcher: www.stitcher.com/podcast/how-...
iHeart Radio: www.iheart.com/podcast/1119-n...
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
I don't care WHY someone drives a knife in my back, if it was done on purpose or by accident. The result is the same: I have a knife in my back!
If you cannot be you, that's a red flag! If your kind and your shamed, that's a red flag! If you always feel guilty, that's a red flag!
This! I don't always notice the kind of physical sensations Dr. Ramani described, but being aware of other clues has helped so much. I now know that playing conversations over and over in my head and wondering what I could have said differently is a MAJOR red flag. I don't need to know if someone's a narcissist or not to honor that they're not right for ME.
Thank you ❤"If you cannot be you...if you always feel guilty..." - that's true, that's a red flag
Everyone has red flags. Don't collect them or paint them green. Dealbreakers are a zero tolerance.
Taking notes of this comment. In best words.
ME, cochinotamente trying to do justice.
Abuse destroys lives, ruins families, and doesn't build character or make people stronger. If you're lucky, and have support, you can learn to avoid those kinds of people, but to glorify abuse as something that improves people is wrong. That gives abusers an excuse to make what they do seem noble.
Thank you for posting this comment.
"What doesn't kill you blah blah blah......." That's a lie. The abuse I have recieved at work and from my family has donated my mental health to the extent I've been suicidal. Is that "stronger" ? I will NEVER be the same after experiencing the cruelty of people I should have been able to trust. I feel sick and disgusted at the thought of it. I never want to see my brothers ugly face again. Is that "stronger" ? Doing damage to other people does not make them stronger. It hurts them. Even if it doesn't kill you you will never be stronger or have the strength you had before the disgusting behavior happened. 😢😢
@@leanne123 to suicide u need to toughen up man and not take anyone serious plain and simple life is ALOT easier when you don’t take the projections seriously
@@leanne123 The empath is such a person, who’s been made to take the blame & yet we wouldn’t want to do the things the narcissist does. And yet we pay for it & shouldn’t have to. These narcissists, aren’t going to like the judgement that is upon them in the end times, they will not be able to endure hells price tags for they’re sins, & they will have no way out of hells trap: they will be paying for their own sins, they’ve provoked others to choke on. Be sure you know where you are going when you die, for you don’t want to be in hell with these people. You thought they were self centered, their pain will be so great, they won’t be able to focus on anyone but themselves.
I get rid of controlling toxic narcissists by literally ghosting them. It let's them know I'm actually the one in control and secondly, they aren't getting any fuel.
Me too. I'm too busy, really busy for them.
Ooooh I really like what you have said here. And that makes sense because in the end that’s just what they are going to do. If you suspect that they are a narcissist. You shouldn’t hesitate to do that because it’s a set up!
Not important for them to know who is in control. It IS important for YOU to know. More power to you!
Trust your gut and NEVER rationalize their behaviors because of their backstory! As Adults we are All responsible for our own behaviors! Respect is a two way street.
👆 Reciprocity. .
So true! I made excuses for my narcissistic husband's horrible behavior since he had been physically and emotionally abused by his monster of a father. Big mistake! 30 years later, I am trying to extricate myself physically and financially from a full-blown, controlling narcissistic rage monster 😢
THIS! Thank you. I'm so sick of everyone excusing my husband's narcissism. At 60 he's old enough to know better. No more excuses.
@@annjohnson8437same here
You mean a NarcNessMonster? That’s what I’ve nicknamed, them anyways!!
A word of knowledge. Taking a narcissit to therapy only compounds the abuse. I tried for years, not understanding what was happening at the time. Once I continued on my own, it started to expose the truth of the matter. Thank you for your work Dr.!
Two words: Be yourself. That will get rid of the narcissist. The second they lose power and control over you, they will be gone in a heartbeat.
So they make friends with your neighbors in order to do a character assassination of you. This is their vindictive nature
Yes, I listened to the end. I'm 73 and there are no longer narcissists in my life. I just wish you had been around in my earlier life. I'm glad people today will find your survival techniques early on.
This is why I have decided to refrain from being in a relationship. Excusing others and allowing them to treat me poorly is a waste of my empathy.
For sure!!!
I think I was born to be a loner. I was married more than once but I love being alone.
That is so true. They use pity and or idealization as bait to entrap you into a cycle of abuse. That way it will be all the more juicy for them when they strike the death blow and humiliate you!
"An explanation is not an excuse." Louder for those in the back! I've seen too many people say they're just explaining abusive behavior, while in reality they're explaining abusive *away*. That's when they become enablers, and threats to your well-being.
Yup. Why it happened, vs why it keeps happening. At least, that’s what makes sense in my brain.
And?
My love" goes straight to the one that use IF" in my phone. And on me. La justiciera frustrada.
💔❤️
Yep, I think we should regard enablers as just as repulsive or even more so than the narcissists. Many times they’re an even bigger reason why we disregard our guts. I have a theory. Every narcissist constitutes a conspiratorial threat because very rarely does the abuse emanate from them alone, they usually have at least one, if not a cadre of enablers, supporters, cohorts, or accomplices who aid and abet them pulling off their dirty deeds. Afterall, it usually requires more than one person to participate or effectuate smear campaigns, and the like.
No matter what past abuse they have suffered doesn’t excuse them for their own behaviour.. it’s who they are themselves and they are brilliant at deflecting blame for themselves it’s never their fault 💯
Another big excuse is they're insecure. Forgive them. Life is short.
Hey someone else’s poor treatment of them is not a license for them to abuse you.
True! Narcissism isn't an excuse for abuse.
Agree, abuse is unacceptable there are far too many excuses these days for bad behaviour,
Paralysis of Analysis !
Exactly. Stop making excuses for evil people. It's another way of them keeping you trapped in the trauma bonding cycle. If they are a narcissist, you cannot help them stop being a narcissist. The only thing you can help them do is to help them continue traumatizing you and others if you stay. Its your decision.
Early in our relationship, whenever my ex narc would lie to me, I would have this knot in my stomach. Each time I caught him in a new lie, a new justification, or a new way to blame me for his bad behavior, this feeling became a constant in my life. When I began feeling this knot in my stomach, paired with nausea 24/7, it was time for me to make a plan to get out. Took months, but I made it. Now he’s out and I’m on the road to healing. That knot and nausea are still with me, but fading.
100% I felt like that almost instantly but I blamed myself. I thought I was wrong.
Wow … For years I’ve ignored the internal anxiety I felt throughout the marriage. I brushed it off as I just have anxiety, I know now that I am in a narcissistic, abusive relationship. My body is telling me that something is wrong. My body is in physical pain. I have awaken to the abuse that I for years didn’t want to look at because I was in fear.
Hugs for you❤
I can totally relate, I also had horrible anxiety, I hope you can find the courage to leave. I am on my road to healing.
Indeed sis! Lisa Nichols calls that trusting your get up from the table muscle. It’s amazing how we are so conditioned to ignore our own internal guidance and protection mechanisms and in doing so we override our own protection in hopes of gaining what’s already ours… love and validation. It’s the same theme as the Alchemist by Paulo Coelho, the same theme as the Wizard of Oz, Dorothy searching all that time for a power she already had. Or even the Devil tempting Jesus in the wilderness to bow down to him for authority over and the riches in a “kingdom”. The common thread is that somehow we become convinced that thing we want the most is in possession of one of these fools. I am not saying that we don’t genuinely love them, many times we actually do. But what we”need” they can’t give us, because they don’t have it to give. And love from a good partner starts as counterintuitive as it may first seem starts with loving ourselves enough to have faith that we needn’t compromise ourselves to have our cups filled.
While my mother was alive (she passed in February 2017) she would tell terrible lies about me so I distanced myself for quite some time then would relent and see her again, each time with no better results than before. I finally started only going to see her (she was in a nursing home the last years of her life) if someone went with me because I realized I had someone who could verify our encounter and she could not tell my sisters lies about me. I was thankful I had a brother who would go with me when he wasn't traveling for his job and that was the "magic key" to locking that door of vicious lies my mother told about me. When she passed I really didn't feel much of anything because I had already lost her when I was only 4-5 years old and realized then that she did not love me. I learned to survive and I intend to continue doing so.
Reality is so harsh!
Totally felt a discomfort and tension in my whole body around a guy I was getting to know, so took a step back and sure enough saw more of the red flags and he ended up being with someone else and possibly narcissistic. My body totally picked up that I didn’t feel safe around him. I get this feeling around other people and some family members too. Learning to respect and honour my body’s feelings and my well being. Grateful for all I’ve learnt. Thank you Dr Ramani. ❤
Wow! It’s amazing how often we can blunt, suppress, stifle and deaden our awareness of these kinds of sensations to our disadvantage. No more it’s time to accord these alerting sensations their full import. They are too important to reject or ignore.
As an empath ( made, child abuse) most of my life my gut and my brain had a very complicated relationship. After years of putting in the work, I’m listening to my gut more.
Me, too. Finally...
@@suzanne4396 well done! It’s better.
Hi Micheal, that is the biggest problem for Empaths. The blessing and the curse analogy, the little voice in our heads that question if our gut is telling us the truth..when you can finally get back to the point where you can trust your gut, especially if you have been in one of these narc relationships because your compass is thrown way off and you stop believing both, when you start feeling closer to you, trusting your gut becomes second nature again and you can have a normal discussion with that little voice instead of a full blown argument...funny, my gut was screaming at me all through the narc experience, I just didn't listen..I'm putting that down to the "spell" they put you under....have a good gut day!
YASSSSS!
That’s because abusers always gaslight us into thinking our gut feelings and instincts about what they are doing to us cannot be trusted. Takes a while sometimes to work through that. Kudos to you.
The narcissistic sister in law verbally assaulted me and emotionally abused me for keeping boundaries with her as she’s very toxic, and yet not only did she not take responsibility nor apologize for it, she lied to my brother about what happened turning him against me and lies to my nephews about me, so it’s severely damaged my family. I have no interest in having a relationship with her, yet my family pressures me to forgive and forget like nothing happened. Super messed up and stressful. I don’t care what they think anymore, prioritizing my life safety and well being. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
@costelloanddizzievolk2233 I think those might be classed as 'flying monkeys'? I heard about that term recently. Allegedly from The Wizard of Oz, or something... Basically, I reckon those flying monkeys can exist even without being sent out by the narcissist, and they are just people who knew/know both you and the narcissist. The type who never see the narcissist as the horrid person they are because they only ever saw their nice side. But yours does sound like they sent out those flying monkeys, sadly. And I reckon you are coping with it well, by reinstating your own personal boundaries of what is and is not acceptable to you. I like that you mentioned your prioritising your own safety and wellbeing. Dr. Ramani is very good, has helped me to reinforce my own safety and wellbeing just by reminding myself that (as her book title implies), it's not me!
My story is exactly a shadow of yours. I have dealt with this for 39 years. My means of survival is gotten to the point I really down care anymore, but it’s not my true self because I’m a compassionate person. I’ve always been nice but yet with husband and sister-in-law I’m the villain.
Totally relate to your experience.
OMG I am so worried about my brother 😵💫 his wife is so demanding and controling it's horrible to watch or listen to them 😢 I feel so sorry for my brother he is controlled by my narcissist mother and sister in law. Sending you a hug for what you are going through ❤🫂
Sending you a big hug. I am in a similar spot...but luckily for me i have my parents who can see what is going on. I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you. If there's any way i can help, let you know.
Hallelujah!!! Once identified, RUN!
I was the “golden child” until I started having my own opinion, was kicked out when I turned 18. I struggle with mild to severe depression and anxiety, maintaining relationships and friendships is also difficult!
Yeah it’s like being roped into a deal with the Devil. As long as you are a mirror for whatever the narc wants to see reflected back towards him or her you’re golden. The minute you have a thought, belief or opinion that’s different than theirs you’re suddenly a worthless piece of trash!
The Discard is absolutely brutal. Brother of mine, such a good guy ? I know he’s got a river of unshed tears. Men need permission to say “Ouch” and “Help” somehow to someone. Any suggestions of what kind of help is helpful ?
They certainly don't like to be discarded by their victims. Mine has been hoovering my family members on social media for 9 years.
Hello, I'm in the same situation, my mother is contacting every possible person on social media. I got remarried and now she tries to get in touch with family members of my new husband (she never met him or anyone of his family). It's been 6 years that I went no contact. My father in law asked her to stop her game but 1 year later she started again. We don't know how to proceed.
I went low contact kind of intuitively. Whenever this stuff was going on, I had zero guidance and had to learn everything the hard way, and was really surprised...which as you know destabilizes you. So when I started pulling away, they started drawing in. Love bombing initially, then gaslighting, and then full on attack mode with stalking and all other kinds of abuse. So for me, low contact, did not remain an option for long. Mind you both of these were supposed to be close relationships. A husband and a mother. I ended up having to go no contact with just about all family because of the flying monkeys. It was brutal. I'm definitely glad you are here to kind of guide people through it. My only wish is that more domestic violence information is included. The biggest narcissist are domestic abusers and child abusers, and this escalates quickly. Especially when a person is leaving. I have had one friend killed when leaving. I think there needs to be more information incorporated into warning and danger signs when leaving.
They say every domestic violence perpetrator is a narcissist
I like when Dr. Ramani says don’t get into idle chit-chat. If you feel like something is off don’t ever dismiss it. Because if you feel like something is off IT IS OFF. One of my big problems was always needing to know why. I realized I always needed to know why, and that curiosity was one of the big factors that kept drawing me into the same situation with different persons who had the same undermining narcissistic characteristics.
Me too. It's a distraction to break off unhealthy and unholy relationships.
Low contact is possible with family member(s). Problems can arise though when say, a parent gets ill or has dementia and you have to collaborate regularly with the narcissist. Oddly, they go right back to the stages of abuse with you despite your only seeing them once or twice a year. But now they have you due to the ill parent or child. So, you have to navigate this toxic relationship without letting down your guard. It is exhausting, once again. It feels like a trap you’ll never fully escape.
More often than not the narc siblings will promise the moon to help care for their dying parent and end up doing sqat or just enough to be seen. It's a what's in it for me mindset. My two sisters took over 90% of our grandmother's possessions and claim it was all split fairly. I even have an uncle that took my other grandmother's house when she said she wanted me to have it. I had a baby and no husband to help me at the time. My uncle said he paid 8 k for his mother's house for her. He just so happened to be the 8th child too. It's very scary. The abuse of my siblings from their childhoods into their old age is. Horror
Dr. Ramani always has the answer to the questions in my head that always tend to blame myself because of what everyone is telling me everyday.
Thank you for saying the luxury of no contact. Moving two thousand miles away gave me a life I never dreamed I could have. I had so much fun, happiness, and the best of times away from my toxic family. I recently cleared the decks again of bread-crumby "friends" who loved what I gave them (time, support, care, gifts, experiences, resources, etc.) but did not reciprocate on any level and I cut them loose, too. Once you've had A and B level friends you won't settle for C and D people. Or as I like to say, once you've had creme brulet, you don't settle for jellybeans. No contact is my saving grace!
I'm curious if you don't mind me asking. What makes your new life so much better? I feel like I need to do something similar but I'm concerned that I will just take my pain with me. I've felt intensity lonely most of my life. It follows me round like a shadow. I can get rid of toxic people but i'm still left with my trauma. I've had that same breadcrumb treatment by a friend I gave a huge amount of support to. I cut that one loose and will never look back.
When my Heart and my mind had truly had enough, I set boundaries and started putting my needs and wants first, I started to see a lot of people gir what they truly were. Fake friends trying to buy my attention, or Fake friends only wanting me when they wanted something. Backstabbers, you name it. I distanced myself and walked away from them. 🍒
Same here. Just sad. Well done!...choosing you❤❤🤗
Any contact sucks. I had to steel myself for my encounter with a family narc today. Not comfortable, at times humiliating, yet I felt emboldened by the teachings and was able to (somewhat) keep my peace. Thank you, Dr Ramani!
I love mentally giving people ‘grades’ of access to help guide me as to how to interact with them. I was never taught this discernment but was taught to over give over forgive and be overly kind no matter what. Learned the hard way that’s not healthy. Thank you Dr Ramani❤
Right! And don’t tell people about your grading system. Some of them will try to guilt you into feeling like you’re being unempathetic, judgmental, overreacting, etc. The onlookers will make you doubt yourself and cause you to abandon the very system that’s keeping you safe from these types!
I have seen someone who was narcissistic and very kind and sweet to me being really mean and hurtful to someone else. I feel it’s enough to downgrade such a person immediately to D. It has then nothing to do with this person hurting me, but to witness the sheer ability to behave like that was enough to see through that person. Still, it was sad to wake up to the truth when I was being treated no nicely.
My mom would explain my dad's dysfunctional family of origin caused him to be so hypersensitive and rageful. He was emotionally abusive with all of us, but also physically abusive with my mom. Eventually, I told her that I was tired of hearing that as a reason for his treatment of us. I was 17 or 18 at the time. She never said that again to me. After 50 years of marriage, she finally divorced him. He moved about 1000 miles away and we lived happily ever after. Really.
One of the saddest lessons of history is this: If we’ve been bamboozled long enough, we tend to reject any evidence of the bamboozle. We’re no longer interested in finding out the truth. The bamboozle has captured us. It’s simply too painful to acknowledge, even to ourselves, that we’ve been taken. Once you give a charlatan power over you, you almost never get it back. -Carl Sagan [Book: The Demon-Haunted World]
Exactly, the history of the last few years and beyond.
First experience of domestic violence occurred a few weeks after marrying him & it was the worst When he saw my marked face & throat I questioned him "Why" There were tears on bended knees & apologies I couldn't go to work for 3days My narc parents came looking for me & I told them the truth & they did nothing. I was a mere 21yrs & forgave A decision I regret to this day Black eyes followed for years afterwards & he would whisper to me to top up make up I was wearing to cover marks on my eyes He had total power & control over me following first beating I got braver as years went on & sought safety orders to have him barred from family home He spent decades hovering and lovebombing me It was incredibly difficult for me to finally find the courage to get final safety order & divorce him I honestly do not know how I survived all those years Coming from a home where domestic violence was ongoing & a narcissistic mother definitely caused me to miss those red flags & to continue Surviving in a living hell Been through major surgery a few weeks ago & the one thing I am so grateful for is having the love & support of my three adult children & DrRamini videos , podcasts & reading her brilliant new book Thank you Dr.Ramini and to this loving community ❤
Exactly, why these people should be ghosted at the first sign of something not being right!
“What’s too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget” Line in 🎶 song by Barbara Streisand ~ The Way We Were
If you speak truth and then have people coming to the defense of the narcissist by downplaying their behaviour and making you out to be the bad guy, that is when you absolutely have to go D.E.E.P, I have found. Better to have said your peace and walk away head held high with a sense of dignity and integrity, even if the tingle of vulnerability may flush your face pins and needles with anger at their behaviour and the inability of others to see through to their bullshit, than to suffer fools gladly and endlessly back and forth with them when, as you have said Dr. Ramani, they do not listen. I have found having to choose my battles has become easier and easier because in dealing with narcissists it really isn't about you when their reality is that the world they live in revolves solely around themselves. It's self-centeredness at the expense of the mental health and well-being of others and it is extremely toxic and scathing behaviour. It's so negative and yuck for lack of a better word.
@zaiaish6409 - very well said!!
Helpful reminder that explanations are not an excuse.
Be the person who breaks the cycle. If you were judged, choose understanding. If you were rejected, choose acceptance. If you were shamed, choose compassion. Be the person you needed when you were hurting, not the person who hurt you. Vow to be better than what broke you-to heal instead of becoming bitter so you can act from your heart, not your pain.
Very Very Good!!😂😂😂❤❤❤ Very Well Said!!! I Am There!!!
Unfortunately that doesn’t work with narcissistic people they consider you weak and do worse to you if you did that.
Yes St Francis Prayer “Lord, make me an instrument of your peace: where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; where there is sadness, joy. O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console, to be understood as to understand, to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life” But still.. leave the narcissist husband, friend, family member if you can. They will never understand this. Trust me I tried for 15 years. They have a soul but no Holy Spirit. I don’t care what they call themselves. They do have other spirits in there but evil ones..
This is excellent advice... if you want to keep getting bullied. Toxic and emotionally immature people won't appreciate nor understand. You're painting a giant target on your back and encouraging others to do so as well. But hey if having the moral high ground is more important to you, go for it.
This is excellent advice with normal people who make mistakes but not for narcissists who look for empathetic people like this describes. This is the whole purpose of this video. Listen again and learn more about narcissists who use people up.
Every time I have trouble breathing or feel confused and slightly disturbed around a person, I know they need to be looked at more closely for a problem. My body has never lied to me.
Stranded. Again. This time, Edinburg, TX. Unbelievable how far their tentacles have reached from S Utah .... OMG it's unreal! Narcs, always getting what they want, all the time, every time. Being sucked back in ... 🥺🙏🏼😱Putting us (children) back into a volatile & dangerous environment/situation. Good God.©️🥺
If it wasn't for you I would of gave up two years ago..Thank you so much!❤
So true. Wish I had listened to my gut. I felt very nervous, twitchy, and self conscious. Thought it was nervous jitters from like him & his intensity. Ended up marrying him. Wish I had discovered your podcasts & books before... I could put words to or comprehend the tactics he was using to tear me down & manipulate me. Thank you so much for your programs, books, and what you do to spread awareness. It saved me from a very dangerous person & situation.
Yep they’re like arsonists who start a fire, wait for a crowd to gather round and everyone starts asking: “ who dun it?” The narc will ingratiate himself with onlooking crowd and attempt to mask himself by asking the same question as the crowd knowing all along he was the culprit. Devious devils.
Or people will sometimes try to add the excuse of other mental issues makes them not be able to be good . They can’t help their lies that they make themselves.. that’s bs . They can help a lot of what they do when it comes to doing harm to others physically and mentally.. even ruining others reputation… it’s an evil personality period .
You got it! And they will play to your best instincts to trap you in hell with them everytime. Your compassion, your sense of moral imperative, your empathy, your patience. For such persons all of that is a “weakness” to be exploited to their benefit!
My narcissist siblings, mother included, act out their personality disorder with legal lawsuits and were evil enough to find a narcissistic lawyer. There is no way out. Obviously I went no-contact 100%, and then they started the lawsuits. Communications only through lawyers, but it is still ruining my physical health.
It will feel better.
Narcissistic abuse = nazi abuse
Thank you Dr Ramani 💜 I spent so much time trying to get the narcissist in my life to ‘understand’ me - I blamed myself for not communicating or expressing myself properly - I thought if I could just get through to her then everything would be ok - but now I see she only saw what she wanted to see. It was never my fault. 💜
Great comment. Been in this situation myself and know exactly what you mean. You doubt yourself first. I think that is a sign of you being a good person. Glad you have seen the light.
We think if they understand us they will stop. But they lack empathy and will never. The next move is ours.
I too fell into the communicating/explaining trap, Georgia, and far too many years were lost, also in serious illness (yes, brutal), trying so very hard. And all one-way. Never again. It's not us. It was never about communicating or explaining better or clearer, or more. It took far too long to realize that she/they actually never *wanted* to understand anything at all, and the playing dumb behaviour serves the "power and control and domination" agendas. And it was just too difficult (also for an empath) to believe and then accept that such evil actually really exists. We didn't want to see or believe it. But we finally had/have to. And radically accept who they are. And that it was never our fault.
@@Bea_Survivor sending love your way 💜
@@georgiazen - Thank you so much. 🥰 Sending love to you too. 💝💕💜 And thanks for your post. It helps to feel less alone. Blessings to you.
Thank you Dr. Ramani. This helps me understand how healthy boundaries are. I am dealing with a terminal illness and have become very careful who is in my inner circle now.
May the Lord Jesus touch your body and soul and bring healing. God Bless you and yes keep your boundaries against these toxic people, may the Lord also protect you as well. If you want, Read Psalms 91 and 23 and the book of John, you will be so comforted.
@@Lily_1010 Thank you, amen! Those are scriptures that have a much deeper meaning now. God has sustained me greatly in this season. I am grateful.
Sending love ❤
In my family low contact would never work. With them it is about control. It is all or nothing. If I tried to see them once a year, some of my family members would intentionally keep calling and texting me frequently. If I don"t respond to their attempts to talk to me. They will all get together ,and behind my back, and talk about how cruel I am, even in front of my own children. Even though they betrayed me and have hurt me for years, this will be their reaction . That is how they roll.
Pearls of wisdom. Thank you.
My mom is a narc and I married a narc. Funny that they are usually on the same side when there are disagreements. Over the years, I devoted myself to protecting my children. Now I have decided that I will be my best authentic self with everyone including narcs, and I will not extend myself to anyone more than what is good for me. I will not treat narcs the way they treat me. God is my judge and my defender, as long as Im good with God I can trust that He will be my defender and judge rightly with real justice. Im just working on being the person Im supposed to be, no matter what and no matter who. I realized the narcs need me to stay and provide them social legitimacy so Im the one in power. I dont listen to what they speak because its mostly trash anyway.
If you start to feel unsure, nervous or even scared of saying no is huge. It could be no to going to where they want to go, no to a date that evening, no to anything. If they start even getting irritated or maybe bring it up at a later time that you said no to something they wanted it goes down from there and fast. If you don't get out quick enough, that's when it's gets harder and harder and hurts more and more.
I understand why my sister was violent to me, and why she could never take responsibility for it. It doesn't change the fact that she did it, and that, given the opportunity, she'd do it again, and that she continues to blame me for her violence. Nor does it change the fact that I will never let her come near me again. Nor, indeed, does my understanding of why she did it in any way imply that I've forgiven her - I have not and will not. She's not diagnosed, but she definitely has a NPD. i don't care that's she's mentally ill - that isn't my problem. No matter what, she has no right to dump it on me. Her NPD was caused by the abuse perpetrated by my father. I endured the same abuse from him, but also got it from her, and I'm not a turd. At some point, every individual must take responsibility for their own behaviour. In the end, she die alone and unloved and I don't care - not my problem
Responding because your post reminds me of myself years back. Maybe my post will be helpful to someone ~ I had to forgive to heal ~For me, it was a “must” even though it seemed impossible and not one single fiber in me wanted to do it. My betrayers are not sorry, not to any significant or satisfying degree. BUT the churning need for justice ? That got dismantled slowly as my freedom from that churning arrived 1 pebble at a time. There’s a spot in my heart that can feel sharp pain this second if/when something hits it. And memories follow. I get flaming Mad & Sad ~ temporarily. My expectations & needs were high. Betrayal knocked me flat out. It was family. It was surreal ~ There has been some permanent damage. I walk with a limp. But once I couldn’t even stand up. RADICAL ACCEPTANCE + REFUSAL to let my head or heart marinate in a toxic brew that turns me into a toxic mess. I vote “ yes” for forgiveness. I vote “no” for reconciliation without repentance.
@@ShirleyAnnPetrillo-oj7sc I get that forgiveness calms the need for revenge and brings understanding. The thing is it still leaves you with the pain of their offence. Every time you think about an event of abuse you will feel the pain attached to that event. It's still there. In order to rid yourself of this repressed pain from the past, you have to "process" these feelings. Emotions are messages that keep you safe. If you don't accept the message the emotions will never go away. Feeling these painful emotions fully (which is very painful and not fun) is how you accept their message. Then you must EXpress them to get them out of your system. In the case of sadness, or anger or painful emotions, the most natural way to express them is by crying. Grieving is the natural process of releasing painful feelings. That is what to he experts call "doing the work" and it indeed is work to put yourself through the grieving process. To get in touch with repressed feelings it's helpful to start writing about the event and how you felt. Bringing up these memories will also bring any feelings that are attached to them and you will begin to feel them. Let yourself fully feel the sadness or pain or rage or indignation that comes up for you. Cry until there are no more tears and those old emotions will all be released leaving only the memory without the feelings attached. You will finally regain your peace. The event will no longer haunt you and will no longer cause you upset. Then you will find it possible to move forward and not be burdened with old pain. You won't think about it anymore and you won't care the same way you did before. I hope you can move past the pain and find serenity.
Please make more videos about narcissistic mothers seems like more of us have suffered and need help
PLZ also consider Siblings along with their Spouses. Let’s NOT ignore good men suffering. How can we be better than telling our Wounded Warriors to “man up” ?
I'm getting better at honoring my physical responses, but most of those physical feelings were discounted, mocked, or normalized in my family so I started to equate "love" and "security" with abuse. The term "trauma bonding" is helpful. I knew I was more comfortable with dysfunctional, abusive people, but I didn't know what to call it, so it wasn't as real. Now it's real. Now when I get a sick stomach and a feeling of malaise and panic, I pay attention. I back off and observe to make sure I'm not overreacting. If my impressions are confirmed, I set the boundaries and use the DEEP method. Yes, it fortifies my radical acceptance. Thank you for changing my life, Dr. Ramani.
In a few words, you just said what excuses I had for my dad's behavior, as a way to make sense with it. As a child, there was no way out, except using my brain to understand what was going on. I got that he was a deeply traumatized person. The child I was truly believed that I could love him out of his issues and therefore get out of his radar when he had outbursts of rage and was looking for someone to punch.
My brother and his wife tried to blame for her verbally assaulting and emotional abusing me by saying that I was ‘being rude’ because I don’t engage and keep boundaries. Super messed up. Not believing the lies or taking on the blame. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
That’s exactly what we have to expect when setting boundaries or not engaging. They’re used to getting us suckered in, and when we don’t, it’s what you described. I look that with personal enjoyment that they are so irritated when I don’t respond as they wish! Keep it up! 😊
Writing the book has been difficult. It has meant reliving the pain of the past. But it has also been cathartic, forcing me for the first time to come to terms with memories I had been trying to escape. - Benazir Bhutto 🇵🇰
Absolutely. My experience too.
ONLY FOR SAFETY REASONS, CERTAIN THINGS SHOULDN'T BE AWARE LIKE THAT IF AT THE END, IS DIFFICULT TO PROCEDD. IS MORE EASY AND MAYBE ROUTINARIO HIDE, JAIL, EVEN KILL OR GET RIDE OF THE ISSUE. LEAVING A LOT OF GAPS. THATS WHY, SUCH AWARENESS AND MATHS WERE NOT GOOD FOR THE SAFETY. IM REFERING TO THE EXTREMISTS.
Authority have been closer than ever this time. And? With all and plan. And many cars and city union state union country union signals around of the hostage.
*Joy came always after pain.* 😢 "Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain."- *Book:* THE PROPHET _By. Gibran Khalil Gibran_ † (1923)
I've been using a combination of gray rock & yellow rock in my case. I live in a place where there's a good concentration of narcissistic people. I know of at least two couples who I suspect are narcissist (a combination of sociopathic, covert, & malignant). These are crazy as crazy one gets. So, boundaries & a very good knowledge in narcissism are essential to coexist with them. It is radical acceptance on who & what they are. It is a very delicate move in navigating around them, but it works for me. Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani for shedding light to some of the not so clear areas in my studies in narcissism. My studies continues on.
Using low contact right now. So far it is working for me. Your videos are so helpful. This DEEP acronym will keep me on the right track. I wish I would not feel guilt or obligation anymore but my mental health now is what is important so I am working on telling my inner critic to shut up. 🙆♀️ Thank you.
I use low contact also. I tell them I'm busy and I am. I talk about the weather when they want to have a conversation. They can't stand either.
As much as I love these videos, I can't deal with all the ads. There's more than any other channel I watch.
We are all here to make serious decisions. The more you learn about toxic relationships, the more certain that it is very rare to get out of the maze alone or without some kind of support... And that support can be maybe you, but you will definitely need THE KNOWLWDGE/GUIDANCE to get out of the dark. I try to understand a very small thing every day. It also helps me a lot. :)
How to beat narcissist: "You have to be "bigger" narcissist then the other one. You don't want to be that. Also do not ever try to be..." Once, old college professor told us that. He was reffering to cluster B personality disorders.
I don't hurt people's feelings by being cruel. I won't accept my family acting like that.
Low contact has been working great. Using a parenting app. It’s just abt time and day he’s picking our son up. Low to no contact really helped me in my healing journey.
As a psychic my life is about getting to the truth and apart from using the right side of my brain and my intuition, there is a simple way I use to feel what is truth. If I get a feeling of tension (or the washing machine stomach) something is wrong, if I feel peaceful and I get a heart feeling then I'm onto the truth. Peace - Tension - Peace - Tension. Easy peasy lemon squeezy! ;)
Being a true psychic will even trigger narcissistic rage.
It’s true. We are taught that relationships are supposed to be full of struggle. That’s bullshit! The best relationships I have ever had always feel just like you described, peaceful. When I am around drug addicts for example my body starts to feel like a big ass bag of Mexican jumping beans! An aura that feels like a dark cloudy day with gray skies comes over me, and often feel as though I am in like a cemetery at night. This happens even though I had no prior knowledge of their drug use. That’s the mood I feel whenever they get too close and later I always get the factual proof that confirms. So in short, experience has taught me that I should trust my intuition over and above the “politically correct” rules.
@@jeannedouglas9912 My family are the reason I taught myself to do this... kzhead.info/sun/i7ediLOra4N4lo0/bejne.html
@@jasonwimberly5636 It sounds like you are a natural empath. If you learn to read the Grand Tableau, a narcissist will never have power over you again. kzhead.info/sun/i7ediLOra4N4lo0/bejne.html
"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair." ~ George Burns [Book: Wisdom of the 90's Paperback - by George Burms
🔥🔥🔥
Amen 🙏
When I first set eyes on my ex husband, I had a clear vision of a 'sad lone wolf', which alarmed me. However, that was totally overshadowed by the reaction of one of my dogs to him,.....My therapy- trained, very experienced Arturo jumped right up on the standing 6'3" man, and held the upright position. It was as if they were long-lost friends. Arturo never jumped on anyone! He was an unflappable hospital therapy dog. He recognized and immediately warmed to the man. My ex husband was the leader of the pack. All our dogs adored him. He could not, however, deal with my humanity, independent spirit, and requirement to be treated as a treasured equal. Had I been a dog things would have been perfect, for him......
Oh, that rings and rolls such a HUGE bell. I know a guy who is 55 and goes under the nick Lonely Wolf in the social networking. It's so pathetic and childish for someone having lost his family and trying to live up to the carefully constructed image and suffering from it at the same time.
@@user-sd9jh1nm5m Such broken people.
Trained by my narc mother to be her support (she couldn't stand alone and favoured/needed/craved enmeshment, Ugh!) I'm an empath and innate spiritual healer and so still find myself 'helping' others, just as I was trained in childhood. I've only just realised that often the people who NEED support feel more comfortable with enmeshment.... which obviously gives me the creeps as it leaves me feeling smothered and overwhelmed. However, when they're feeling better they then want to control the relationship and drag me around like an accessory.... makes my skin crawl and I back off. I used to feel guilty about disappearing out of their lives but not any more. What's theirs is theirs and what's mine is mine. Thanks Dr Ramani.
أوكرانيا 🇺🇦 - أطفال في أوكرانيا: 5000 ساعة في ملاجئ تحت الأرض خلال عامين من التصعيد. اليونيسف: "الحرب دمرت حياة الأطفال وصحتهم العقلية وقدرتهم على التعلم. لقد عانوا من عامين من العنف والعزلة والفصل عن أسرهم وفقدان أحبائهم والنزوح، وهم بحاجة إلى انتهاء هذا الكابوس". 😊 🙏🏻
Success is not given; it's earned through sweat, sacrifice, and unwavering determination😅
In this video you were reviewing 'Going Deep' and I remembered you saying once that narcissists will turn your tears into bullets (loosely remembered). My sister did that to me a few years ago, after abusing me her entire life, and I immediately knew what to do. I went no contact, and now low contact. I would not have known how to protect myself without your guidance. And the support in this community is keeping me strong. My only concern about the information we have access to about narcissism is that it is flooding social media, and I'm seeing dyed-in-the-wool narcissists using the language to "gaslight" and "love bomb" and "hoover" others. It's like they have to get out in front of it. I also see teens and 20s using the language to accuse anyone they are uncomfortable with as narcissistic. I fear that if our culture is saturated with this information, it loses its impact. My hope is that there will be fewer victims and narcissists. I come back to your channel to get my bearings. Thank you.
Nothing wrong with more awareness of dangerous people. If the 20 year old's don't get it now, they will if they ever know an ACTUAL narcissist. I only wish I knew about NPD when I was MUCH younger. It could have saved me alot of pain and suffering. I think the more awareness the better.
Hope there isn’t anything corrupt going on in my local district attorney- that will have to be exposed. We really can’t have corruption anywhere!!
These relationships can be dangerous. My 21 year marriage to a narcissist gave me cancer. Best thing that happened to me!! In Australia that diagnosis necessitates counselling. I started to rebuild my self esteem with support. I went no contact, ZERO, i even changed my phone number and email address. Now I'm working on finding myself. Its a long lonely road. I find it hard to trust and dont have many friends.
Sometimes I feel so alone, even when I'm surrounded by people. I feel so empty, even when some people try to make me happy. I'm so sick of this feeling. I feel so incomplete, and a part of me feels so broken. My mind couldn't stop thinking too much. There is a monster inside my head that tells me I'm worthless, I'm miserable, and I'm completely lost in the dark. I feel like I am slowly losing myself. And I'm silently tearing apart for the fact that I couldn't even help myself. This life feels like a nightmare to me. I wish I would wake up feeling something again. One day, I wish all the negative feelings I have would just be gone so that I could live a normal life. *-Shiori X*
I strongly advise you consult a certified psychologist on depression.
Dear Shiori, you're here learning about things that eventually helped lead me out of similar darkness. I'm proud of you for doing that even while feeling so hopeless! 💖 Keep going. Feeling better IS possible, and there are people here rooting you on! ❤❤❤❤❤❤ P.S. Here are some things that turbocharged my healing. I am wishing you well! 💖 - Understanding that the things you describe are *symptoms* and that a LOT of people experience them, especially those who've been through abuse or neglect. (You're not alone, and it's not your fault!) - Learning about Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN) - These wonderful healing channels: Doctor Ramani of course : - ) Patrick Teahan (game changing for me!) Ingrid Clayton Jay Reid - Reading about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques (CBT or DBT) & common cognitive distortions and journaling about how they apply to me and practicing the techniques - Keeping a gratitude journal to train my brain to get better at noticing what's GOOD - Noticing what I'm doing RIGHT (like you watching this video today 🏆😀🏆) Sometimes we have to use other people's belief until we experience something ourselves, and I'm sending a big burst of it to you through the ether! 💖 I NEVER would have imagined even a few years ago that I would feel so much more resilient, self-accepting, and happy! It takes time to integrate healing knowledge and habits before they start working on autopilot without our conscious effort, but the effort is so worth it. *YOU are worth it!* Hugs and good wishes to you! 🌈🌱🌿💐🍀✨
kzhead.info/sun/ZdSoYbWarXWHiGw/bejne.htmlsi=VWejlia63u_M6fuF
kzhead.info/sun/jMyzn82qh4WhlJE/bejne.htmlsi=FF34B2LBA3zr97G7
Find a trauma therapist,asap
I’ve gone no contact with my older malignant narcissist, daughter. I am exploring low contact with my younger covert, narcissist daughter. Honestly, it was easier to go no contact. when my younger daughter and I get together I think of her as an acquaintance instead of someone I would like to be close to. So far it’s working fairly well, thank you doctor for all these wonderful videos, your book, your dedication, and readiness to share yourself with us. I have your book and plan to read it this week. All the best, Beverly.❤
This must be so difficult ❤
@@mariastewart9861very. Best decision I’ve ever made.
I really think my granddaughter is a psychopath and a narcissist. She's 13. She's always acting like this and always causing chaos. Her mom is both as well. I have stepped away from them both. Sad to have to do.
She’s a KID. Thank gawd you walked away-for her sanity.
@@tundrawomansays694 yeah she's a kid and she has learned how to be just like her mom. She has been in juvenile detention and then let back into the regular school system and she took her own poop and smeared it on the bathroom mirror at her school. So yeah I walked away for the sake of her sanity.....
@@evonnamann2251she's a kid in need of therapy. If you knew better than judging a child or project your dislike of her mum onto that grandchild of yours you would focus on getting her help or at least sending her healing vibes. Disturbing to read how a grandmother labels a 13 year old.
@@sunbeam9222 I've been helping my granddaughter since she was born to that wicked woman. I cannot be responsible for getting her help when her mother is in charge of her whole life and she won't do it herself for her daughter. I pray for my granddaughter that he will help her and her mother. I want the best for them both but they both have their own decisions to decide and as of up till today nothing has changed for their better behavior and thought patterns.
@@evonnamann2251 glad to hear. I understand it can be highly frustrating and also that you rather keep your distance at this time, I think it's wise, but she's still a child under mother's influence who's herself under god knows what influence herself. These people act out of consciousness. We cannot also fall in judgement ourselves and personalize unconsciousness. Then we lose awareness. I wish you and them all the best xx
Dr. Ramani, your new book ‘It’s Not You’ has been a beacon in my stormy sea. It’s like you’ve held up a mirror to my life, especially my relationship with my girlfriend. Your insights have sparked a transformation within me. Thank you for this life-altering gift. Here’s to hoping more people find their way to your wisdom! I LOVE YOU! ❤️
Thanks for your video. My sister-in-law is a typical narcissist she always text me privately and ask for this and that, it’s so true that don’t waste time to explain or defense yourself, best way to deal with is to cut connection, even she eventually makes up story to my husband, I still find the best way is to stop playing with her, this is the best way to protect myself and my family.
If you have done disengaging boundaries grey rock yellow rock fire walling etc…only to be hurt and mistreated even more, how do you ever be around them again when it’s family and everyone pressures you to be forgiving and friendly no matter what continual repeatedly abusive behaviour they do?
*Consistency* - that's my remember it word, so I don't get into the wrong sort of (any) relationship; since my narcissist finally left for Ms. A.N. Other. And I can now associate my keyword with your very kindly offered acronym, D.E.E.P. Pink or so-called red warning flags, and (A,B,C,etc.,) grades are also good ways to gauge others. But definitely trusting our natural instinct that we trusted when we were children, is a really good thing to do. We have to safeguard our future mental health and physical wellbeing.
What is DEEP? I know what JADE n DARVO are. I'd have to look thru some dozen Notebooks to find it. Thanks!
@@KellenAdair 19:10 is where you'll find Dr. Ramani's explanation of DEEP - Hope that helps... And you're welcome!
I attended my brother's wedding 2022, now their in Florida I'm in Jersey. I flew in. However, my mother and sister were all about what I was wearing. They actually told me to wear this instead, as if I do not know any better, lol. To make them happy I did just that. Unbelievable, talk about narcissists. So humiliating. To them no big deal, as if I have no feelings. Liz
Im accountable for my behavior. I think thats what matters. I need to work on my behavior. So I can walk away. One day at a time. Peace Love Joy to you.
It’s so fascinating that our bodies know even when our brains have been trained to ignore potentially harmful features in people. I had an experience where I was engaging with someone who seemed off. I spent a few hours cumulatively with them, trying to first verify I wasn’t projecting my family stuff on someone. Their reaction to a gentle confrontation of something they had done confirmed what I had intuited. It didn’t hurt they were angry with someone for creating a simple boundary (please call before coming over). Our body knows. We just have to learn to trust ourselves. By the way, becoming healthier will allow the trash to take itself out, respectfully. :) They think your health is what is dysfunctional. That will always be mind blowing.
Low-contact feels really inauthentic to me, as does yellow/grey rocking and firewalling. If someone wants to force us into limiting ourselves or being inauthentic just to deal with them, it feels like stepping back onto that assembly-line roller that heads straight into being sucked back into the abuse again - especially in a family where flying monkeys are surrounding you and you've gone no-contact with their narcissistic leader. The ABCDF grading is great for basic relationships, but a family full of narcissists and monkeys can be deadly - and another trap just waiting to take you down into rubble AGAIN!. A parent dying and dealing with inheritance distributions can be a real nightmare if you've managed to finally get out of there but your sibling(s) or "step(s)" are the executor(s) of the estate/trust! It can literally make a person physically sick to be drawn back in - even deadly to the soul. .
I feel terrible, doom-like, headaches, throat starts feeling a choking sensation, feel threatened and peaked as if I need to run away. Raised by narks & they're still in my life to this day. They always want to argue, fight, complain, steal, lie, lie, lie, the list is long to the dysfunction. Reading your books has been wonderful bc it compiles my entire childhood and lifetime & making sense of it, but it's also hard bc it's making me face so many things I'd started to gloss over.
It’s one thing to understand the why’s. But in the end, we all have a choice as to how we respond. We all are held to account to choose love and kindness or gentleness or unselfishness, or to let contempt and cruelty rule the day. Everyone of us and no exceptions, will &/or have chosen the latter, but it’s the continuum of our lives that determine if we/they learn from our bad choices and grow from them or not. It’s the “not’s” to weed out of your life.
Knowing the why doesn't make toxic behavior better. The " why" explains but doesn't excuse the behaviors. Many thanks Dr Ramani 🙏
I am going try low contact with him and I am going to keep the conversation superficial. Thank you!
I have a neighbor who uses us as an object of his rages. I went to the police and asked what can we do? A civil restraining order... found out I can apply for a no contact order. I'm going to do it. I'm just tired of being his punching bag. 🎉
Yeh, boy, I sure have gone down the "defend myself" path. Waay too many times. Think I've finally learned. :)
After every (daily) attempt to engage from such a person, I get very angry and I have to put a lot of energy into holding back my agression. I try to give as much respect to other people as I can and if someone keeps disrespecting me by their toxic and confusion inducing comments I just get enraged. During my first dozen encounters I was very forgiving and even initiated closer contact. Now I built a wall and behind the wall is a monster waiting to be unleashed. If you have similar feelings and problems, I challenge you to resist the urge to release your monster and build a thick wall. (I just hope this is not a trait of psychopathy). Otherwise you will regret your actions and its not worth it.
This is a quote I came across that sealed my decision to finally leave my ex. As a single lady, for me, it made sense and helped me see the bigger picture as I began my healing journey. ......."Why walk naked in a hail storm when you can enjoy the tranquility and warmth in your own space."
I have tried to explain how toxic narcissists are. I have PTSD from it. The only way for them to understand it is to experience it themselves. Terrible to say this but it's the only way. Thank you Dr. Ramani. Your words have saved me navigate away from the narc.
Man ptsd wow man get over it I did too it will soon leave you stop ruminating over it
Your stronger than that 😂😂😂
It will surely cause you to have ptsd😢
@@glendaschilder3048 for weak people yeah
Agreed. Worst we can do to them is to wish the narcissist/abuser meets someone just as bad as them. The only way for them to know what it feels like is for them to experience it themselves since they don't have empathy. The narcissist doesn't know the damage they're causing & quite frankly they don't give a damn. Good luck op & have a blessed day. Limit contacts & act like they bore you to death when you're near them 😂
Thank ya for the Medicines. May Y'all's Journey only Be Better BLESSED... Up LOVE ☝️🌎🌍🌏❤️ B🌞
I've been low contact with my birth family for some years. I have multiple chemical sensitivity and every time I have to visit, I'm triggered, they simply do not understand what NOT wearing synthetic chemicals means, nor do they have any interest in listening to me explaining to them. I visited this weekend after 6 months of no contact (Mum's Birthday) and was triggered again by one member of the family, then lied to about what they had sprayed on themselves. Evidently nobody else has a sense of smell. So I now want to go no contact. This thought fills me with joy. I'm going to try blanking the behaviour to other members of the family- I'm not going to bring anybody else into it. I'm going to make excuses for any event the toxic family members will be at and offer substitute visits for the family members I can rely on to be at least fairly considerate. I doubt it'll be easy and I'll have to watch out for flying monkeys but it's worth a shot.
My pastor is using funds for personal luxuries and to move his son's family into a house. Now I have to leave the church because this is not the only time. I asked for help with toilet paper one time and was turned away. I realize I've been gaslit this whole time to distract from his actions.
I keep on aking myself why someone would act like thy hate me so much but not want me to leave. That question hurts me so much .
Thank you Dr Ramani. I wish I had seen your videos when I was actively enduring abuse from my now ex husband while living in a foreign country with him. I am grateful because your videos have helped me along my healing journey. Much appreciated❤❤❤
“Give me the flute and sing For singing is a secret of existence And the wailing of the flute remains After the vanishing of the world” _أعطني الناي وغنِّ .. فالغنا سرّ الخلود_ _وأنين الناي يبقى .. بعد أن يفنى الوجود_
“Have you taken the forest, like me As a home, instead of palaces So have you followed the waterfalls And climbed the rocks” _هل تَخَذت الغاب مثلي .. منزلاً دون القصور_ _فتتبّعت السواقي .. وتسلّقت الصخور_
“Have you bathed in fragrance And were you dried by light Have you drank the dawn as wine From cups of ether” _هل تحمّمت بعطر .. وتنشّفت بنور_ _وشربت الفجر خمراً .. في كؤوس من أثير_
“Have you sat in the afternoon Like me, between grab vines And the clusters hanged Like chandeliers of gold” _هل جلست العصر مثلي .. بين جفنات العنب_ _والعناقيد تدلّت .. كثريّات الذهب_
“Have you taken the grass as bed And the space as blanket Humbled of what’s coming Forgetting what has passed? Give me the flute and sing And forget the illness and the medicine For people are lines, Written, but by water” - *Lyrics:* Khalil Gibran | خليل جبران *Artist:* Fayrouz | فيروز | Fairouz *SongTitle:* Give me the flute - أعطني الناي وغنِّ
This. Thank You. No contact is the way to go especially when they show contempt, get physical with you and blatantly want you dead! Never knew such evil could exist. I can’t comprehend but trusting my gut.
My gut. At first I guess it would be “deep down ill at ease” or kind of “scratchy” but all of that was mixed with a lot of other euphoric stimulation. I think the best words for that are prob a lack of inner peace. Later when I “knew” it was like a pit dropped to the bottom of my gut like when a rock hits a lake and goes “plop.” I think also it’s important to note that you can feel “good” and “bad” at the same time. So the mere presence of “feel goods” doesn’t mean it’s safe or good. So you can’t really trust the euphoria kind of stuff. It will lie to you. Your gut won’t (even tho at times it’s not screaming as loud as all of that euphoria). Plus the gut. It never starts coming up with a lot of words or explanations. It just says yes or it says no. And truly, sometimes our will just doesn’t want to hear the word no, so the noise and the will pushes aside the gut that is whispering no to us. (And good grief can the head get so noisy lol). I often find the gut to not be loud or overbearing but I DO find it to often be rather insistent and to pop back up and repeat itself. So in many ways it’s more about how to tune into it more or how to shut off the other noise or to learn to yield our own wills to it. Aka trust it more. Respect its higher wisdom. Low contact. How I’m having to do things with toxic fam. Pretty much just how it was described. You just really have to pay attention to your own radar and keep checking the temp regarding how much and when you can be around who. Observe trends also etc. Such as when it’s like this, this always happens. A lot of times it’s just a matter of not extending “time limits” or noticing the entire toxic fam system dynamics. I notice that one event or meal is doable in a short span of time. But 2 back to back could get dicey. I feel I need “decompression time” between having to see them. So I don’t do that anymore. And so on. It’s trial and error tho and you just have to keep paying attention. And you always have to “suit up” for the events. And that’s why I don’t go to many of them. Suiting up and staying on point just takes a lot of energy. If you have allies tho, that’s one of the best ways to deal in any situation. (For me and for some events it’s my one awesome cousin lol). It’s more strenuous to have to go in alone.