Why Smart Kids Are The Loneliest
🧠 Smart kids often find themselves walking a solitary path, their intellectual acumen sometimes creating a barrier to social connections. In this episode, we unravel the complexities behind the solitude that often accompanies exceptional intelligence.
Check out Dr. K's Guide to Mental Health: bit.ly/45NirwY
Not sure which module to start on? Take our quiz: bit.ly/47dGzKj
From heightened expectations to struggling to find like-minded peers, we explore the myriad reasons contributing to this sense of isolation. Moreover, we delve into the emotional toll it takes, revealing the challenges these bright minds face in forging meaningful connections.
Learn more about Dr. K’s New Guide to Parenting Gamers: bit.ly/3ZeYOMr
Or, take our video game addiction quiz for parents who are worried about their kids' gaming habits: bit.ly/3uuQ7SM
Learn more about HG Group Coaching for expert guidance and a supportive community ready to help you thrive and overcome life's challenges: bit.ly/45Dxzg7
▼ Timestamps ▼
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00:00 - Introduction
03:16 - Effortless success
06:02 - Social Isolation
08:53 - Defensive arrogance
11:18 - IQ vs EQ
14:27 - What can we do about it?
20:51 - Conclusion
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🧠 Smart kids often end up lonely due to their one-dimensional identity as being smart.
🧠 The perception of being smart can lead to a narrowing of possibilities and a narrowing of identity, resulting in social isolation.
🧠 Smart kids who lack social engagement may rely on their intelligence to solve social problems, leading to cognitive exhaustion and social isolation.
🧠 Loneliness and defensive arrogance can lead to low self-esteem, and using intelligence to boost ego is not effective.
💡 People with high IQ often rely on their intelligence to solve external problems, but struggle with emotional healing and self-esteem.
🤔 The core problem for smart kids is that they base their identity on things outside of their control, leading to a fear of failure and a reluctance to try their best.
👥 Engaging in human touch and taking small steps is important for personal growth and overcoming loneliness.
Hugging people leads to a release of oxytocin and facilitates bonding, but not everyone may want a hug.
DISCLAIMER
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All guests of Healthy Gamer are informed of the public, non-medical nature of the content and have expressly agreed to share their story.
#healthygamergg #mentalhealth #smartkids
I want to thank my Dad for reinforcing that “If you want to be good at something, you have to suck at it first.” Saved me from a lot of problems.
Yours too?? lol "Anything worth doing is worth doing badly", "School doesn't matter" and "Do your best, forget the rest" are his mottos. As an ex-gifted kid with ADHD, this helped more than I could imagine.
I realized that being bad at something sometimes can be an advantage. Because it causes you to feel need to improve while other people who has that skill innately are not event aware of existence of that particular skill that can be learned.
ahh
Mine always said "Nothing can be hard if you understand it" It helped me a lot with school, that's why i always used to study so nothing was hard to me:D
But honestly, communication skills, social skills, and work ethic all matter more in the working world compared to just intelligence. "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care."
Uh oh, is dr K gonna stroke my ego
My therapist does this when she says my anxiety is so bad bc I’m smart
This is bad
More like he's gonna tell you to abandon your ego
LMFAO i was thinking the same thing
@@notsoneon yeah facts
I cried as I realised why I'm going to my mom for hugs so much for the past three years. I never realised it was because I didn't get any physical touch from anybody. I knew I was lonely and I realised that the idea of "being smart" could be the reason, but I never figured out it could go that deep.
I do that too sometimes
bro im breaking my records i think that has been already 8 years since last human contact
That's just sad.
If you were really smart, you'd have the social awareness to make friends and hold conversations with people to build a relationship and get into the position to have physical touch lol
@swatbdaim1888 Congrats, my friend 🎉. Hope you break more and more such records! 😄
it feels odd watching this. as others have said, I feel completely called out in the best way possible. I live in my head, I constantly talk to myself when Im alone, I ponder thoughts to no end. I can pace in my room for hours just thinking and talking to myself. these behaviors make me feel unique to myself (I know there are others who do that, you never know how people act behind closed doors), they make me feel like I am alone with myself and nobody would really get how I view things, but you just called me out on so many things, even behaviors I had while I paused the video to ponder ideas you brought up. this is one of the most relatable videos I have ever seen in my life, though there is more to me than brought up in the video (obviously lol), it made me feel like part of me really can be understood, and has been understood for a long time. there are so many different people in this world, people with different behaviors, upbringings, etc. so it's very very interesting that people can understand other people in such an accurate way. you have your own behaviors that you have experienced your whole life, yet you were able to diagnose the thought process of a man you've never met before. Huzzah! I suppose. Heh...
Yep you're right,this video was the most relatable video I ever saw
Wtf are you me? lmao
Yeah I talk to myself too.
lol we are basically the same
My parents enforced the idea of, "you are smart but if you think that's all you need, you're stupid."
They are right
Ikr
For me, there's two meaning of being smart.
True i trie competions and i got to regional/state not sure which one and i studied for that competion and when i didnt trie i only got third place in the city and you need first(sorry for talking too much)
I think they meant fool, not smart.
Age 7: everyone said I was a “genius” because of “human calculator” abilities like multiplying large numbers mentally. Age 19: Gave up on math major in college. Too difficult. Age 40: Goes back to school for what I really want to do (social work). Not winning any awards for “genius” but I am competent and solid in my work, and happy.
Great start
w arc
wait so you could multiply large numbers mentally at age 7 but math major was too hard at age 19?? i am 13 years old, a genius "gifted kid" and usually can't multiply 3-digit numbers quickly, i just stop cause it's not worth the effort STOP REPLYING TO ME
Well look kid, if you wanted to do maths at any serious level 20/30 years ago then you needed a good teacher because the internet didn't exist, you live in a totally different time and what you do with calculators, people did with pencil paper and their brain, its hard for you to see maybe but let the ego down a little, you're not special, just born at a special time where you can access higher end topics at the click of a button, people would have to wait weeks just to get the calc book from the local library.
@@justenoughrandomness8989math is not just calculating numbers and even if you're smart you have to put some effort into learning it and like Dr K described, putting effort into something can make you feel like you're stupid, because you think you should just be able to do it if you really are smart
This man described my whole life in 20 minutes
Same😭
Same
same
same
I’ve been in tears all morning. All season. Not understanding why I feel stuck and lonely. This video has been a catalyst for me in this moment. I’m 28, and finally recognizing my actual issues. 😂 I never want to go anywhere and hang out in group sessions, I intellectualize everything. It wasn’t until I realized I was mainly good at listening, solving everyone’s issues and speaking very deeply. Engaging in shallower spaces is so difficult for me so I generally take the role of the observer and listener. When I’m feeling really low, I learn something new and til recently it meant nothing to me. All my 20s I’ve been looking to find my way out of this cycle and feel my way back to a space of emotional openness and wholeness. I’ve finally found my way from strategy, program management consulting and technology optimization full time to switching to full time childcare and freelance consulting on the side. Thank you Dr. K. You have no idea how you’ve helped me live a better life.
Way to go sis!
Cognitive empathy is truly the 'Smart kid to high functioning autism' pipeline
exactly. you nailed it
So true
REAL AND TRUE AND REAL
When he talked about it being exhausting it reminded me of the concept of autistic masking and how that can be exhausting. Seems like the same thing
😭
"All I am is smart." Really hit me in the heart there, because I never thought I was smart at all due to my upbringing. I'm so lucky to be learning this at 16, before it's too late.
I felt this too. Don't give up, it will eventualul get better.
23 y.o. "smart kid" here. It's never too late, but I already fucked up a lot in my life, so yes, do something with it as soon as possible
@@satosato4169 I feel this. Maybe we shall create a group for motivating ourselves. Or I don't know. I'm just proposing solutions.
Study little bro, study hard. I am 29 and I fucked up my life badly. All my life I was the "smart kid" with "unlimited potential". I got nowhere. Can't hold a job, can't finish university, I have a woman that loves me, but how long is that going to last without being able to hold a job or finish a degree? Not being able to provide for her is killing me day by day. Whatever you want to do, stick to it as much as you can, give it your all, don't get distracted by video games and online games in particular. Keep away from gambling, drinking and drugs, especially weed if you've got ADHD like I have. You can make it. I believe in you, but you have to put in the work. You have to be able to tolerate thinking you're dumb, even though you're not, or else you will quit anything that is actually requiring work AND intelligence.
Also take the time to utilize your knowledge and skill to do good for other people. If someone is struggling & you know how to help, spread that knowledge of yours and help bring others up. One of my favorite quotes is "People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care." Communication skills and social skills (emotional intelligence), work ethic, and positive attitude, is going to be worth much more than your intelligence will.
Thank you Dr. K thank you so much. As a 16 yr old I've been called intelligent enough to last more than a life time, everything you said is true for me, everything, like i am the kid who knew quantum physics since I was 10. But now as I am expected to work hard, I couldn't, everything you said applies to me... But I promise I am gonna put my life back together. And I am so lucky I found this out relatively early before the damage had been done. I am preparing for one of the world's hardest exam NEET. And I am in 12th grade, last year i struggled to keep up all because of my 'genius' identity, I always made an excuse of it being too boring to work hard and my iq and all... But not this time. I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna fix me up. once again thank you
you can't tell a child that he's smart, because he decides that he can't try, you can't tell a child that he's stupid, because he can believe it and give up and stop making efforts, because "it's useless, I'm stupid." And what can children be told? is it even possible to talk to them?
I’ll tell my future kids that you are a hard worker and brave, and don’t be afraid to fail because that’s how we improve
Tell a child he is smart, don’t tell him it’s because he didn’t try. Make a child do difficult things and make their eventual successes feel amazing. Don’t tell a child “you’re dumb”, tell a child “hmm that’s not right, let’s try it this way”. And if the child is clearly not performing well in that area, continue working on it but lean into the subjects they’re better & happier in.
You frame it like "wow you got good marks because you studied for so long yesterday"
Dr. K is describing exactly why I never did competitive chess... I would effortlessly beat friends and family but my ego was too weak to handle both being labeled "smart" and very possibly getting thrashed in a tourney.
It's the same with noobstomping/smurfing in video games I think.
Exactly, the fear of failure is too strong, and I would always rather not do it and save my ego, than to try it and have the risk of failing. It's why I ended up being mediocre/good at a lot of things, but nothing at an excellent level - what if I tried to improve but couldn't? But if I improved only to a better than average level, I'd feel good about myself and save my ego from failure by pushing too much. It's a struggle trying to fight it, and what has helped me is to always consciously tell myself - there will always be someone who is better than you at something. ALWAYS. It doesn't matter how hard you try, you will never be the best - so now that you consciously know that, you might as well try and see how far YOU can go, and stop comparing yourself to something that realistically will never be achievable. Taking that pressure off, that expectation, allows me to try stuff further than just mediocre...
@@charliecrome207 I thought it was smurfing, but I also thought it was just so higher skilled gamers could play with their lower skilled friends. Shit, I hope it wasn't just to pub-stomp, but that doesn't surprise me.
I actually joined a chess club in maybe 5th or 6th grade, and in my first game, I got hit with the Fool's Mate and never touched chess again.
@@klaraptor You had no idea, but this is hitting me so hard right now. For the past several months I have been in this exact funk you mentioned and even with knowing that people will be better than me at many things, the thing that gets me is what if I can't improve to the level I want. It scares the shit out of me and has stopped me in my tracks in many different areas. I have said this before, but I wish there was some magic pill you could take that would just tell your brain "hey, shut the hell up for a minute, we're doing this."
Cognitive empathy is like using a CPU to do GPU calculations
I was thinking that this entire time!!!!!
The more I think about this the more it makes sense lol
best analogy
That's funny
This is exactly how I've been thinking of it! It's like doing empathy in software because you don't have the right drivers to use the hardware built into your brain.
good video thanks - as a 'smart kid' who topped the first 6 grades at school without studying and simply from my general and voracious reading, I recognise the Social Isolation and Defensive arrogance of my youth. Now old and retired, especially to communicate in NESB countries, I tend to stay mostly silent and instead rely on body language, especially touch to convey feeling when we don't have a national language in common. And it totally works. Yesterday on departing, I hugged a friend's friend who knew only a few words of English, and she positively glowed and flashed me a brilliant smile. No confusion there - just happiness.
Giving a hug felt like the hardest and most embarassing thing...
This is so accurate. I hate it when people call me genius and i always tell them "why, i didn't do anything" but the damage is already done and it fuels my ego and arrogance
When I think back to specific events that hurt me, people calling me "smart" pops up.
In my case it doesn't fuel anything, I just feel deeply disappointed. I often find myself being the one who has to make the first step, it's really really disappointing
@@luis-sophus-8227I don't understand how your comment relates to the main comment. Are you disappointed in yourself or the other person ? In what sense do you make the first step ? Making friends ?
I'm in the middle between disappointment and happiness when people say I am smart. Usually in the moments just after receiving the compliment I'm satisfied, it feeds my ego. Then I pass through a phase of thinking I'm better and the shame of having thought that. Then after a while if I recall how I did a mess at school and didn't get a degree, making my career choices less remunerative and ideally on par on my supposed intelligence, I feel really disappointed, late on everything and not having a position I could theoretically get if I was consistent. Now I'm 35, wondering if I could get back at school, and wondering if there is any way now to learn the organization and consistency I lack.
@@melikmourali2072 Yeah I should've been clearer. Yknow, when people has to participate in class, make essays, when we have to work in group projects (I often find myself having to correct almost everyone's mistakes, but lately I've stopped caring that much), or when the professor simply asks a question and nobody replies except me
"Oh, that's just a small scratch so the pain is irrelevant" was LITERALLY my EXACT game plan for when my kids (in the future) come to me when they're "hurt" You just rocked my entire worldview in 10 minutes
Lmao same here! I guess that’s not a good strategy
Yeah it's not a good plan. I don't think much of my injuries because I don't remember any adult ever showing empathy for my injuries... it's one of the reasons perhaps that I keep to myself so much, apart from perhaps also being an arrogant smart person.
It’s insane how accurate this video is. I went into it expecting not to get any intrinsic value in it.
My parents always were like "what? Your brain is going to came out from that little scratch? Stop crying before I give you something to really cry for" Bad parenting and smart kid loneliness is the perfect combination for low self-esteem and depression 😊
@@Angel-sf4ct Okay, serious question Why did you watch it? If you thought you weren't going to get any value in it, what's even the point in watching?
I wish someone would have told me this when I was younger. I’m 31 and have been stuck on the cycle of not trying to get better since high school. This video resonates so much, thank you Dr. K!
I just found this channel and I thought I could never find someone who understands me, but it feels like you literally read my entire mind, which is something I have not felt in quite a long time. Thank you for making me realize my mistakes.
Being smart is useless without the ability to be disciplined and figtt yourself when you're lazy. In fact it's worse than being dumb because you can rationalise your lethargy on the fly. At least this was the case with me personally. This is not universally applicable. All being smart gets you without the ability to put hard work in is misery and disappointment.
are u INTP?
@@91722854MBTI is honestly something that helped me understand how other people can differ from me and how to relate to them better. Dont take it is pure truth, but as a tool to better understand people. Also: scored INTP, but a decade of learning more about psychology and people skills, as well as actually making friends, has made me realize I’m actually slightly extraverted. It’s just that interacting with people not on my wavelength costs so much energy that it drained me. Yeah, gifted and likely autism and ADHD makes for being a unique snowflake who’s managed to go on without significant issues for a long time, but always living life on hard mode as the normal state of things.
This is imprecise analysis and might lead to more damage than help, depending on the person attempting to integrate it.
@@joeya289 nothing I said can be integrated though. Unless you're talking about a smart person putting in more effort or trying to be disciplined. In which case, I don't see how that could be harmful. Of course, if a person is struggling with depression or ADHD or a myriad of other disorders it won't be applicable here.
100%
I was the smart kid, started hanging out with the other smart kids and found them insufferable, it took some time to realize that I was no different. I got the same feeling from Reddit in my experience. Eventually I learned that I had way more fun with others when I let go of my identity and to enjoy what other people say and do rather than bask in my own image. Let others speak their mind even when you think they are wrong, let them make mistakes and share sympathy, and only give advice when it's clear that they want it from you. For me what actually made me happy was loving others rather than the sound of my own voice.
This is the path to happiness with others
Lol. 😂✨
I hope my son can learn this. He’s only seven and all he wants to say is “I all ready I know” or “you already know”.
Ugh, can't say such when all you ever meet is mostly insufferable truly brainless untouchable-because-of-my-equally-dimwit-but-powerful-connections bullies.
That's a beautiful realization you've had about the importance of letting go of ego and embracing empathy and understanding in your interactions with others. It's natural to be drawn to like-minded individuals, but sometimes we can fall into the trap of arrogance or judgment when we surround ourselves only with those who share our perspectives. Opening ourselves up to different opinions and experiences not only fosters personal growth but also allows us to form deeper and more meaningful connections with others. By listening, showing compassion, and genuinely caring for others, we can create a more fulfilling and harmonious social environment. Thank you for sharing your insights, and I appreciate your commitment to loving and understanding others.
i'm 16 and this man just described exactly my situation, and helped me move forward. thank you. i've been stuck for a while now.
same
I cried so hard while watching this video midway, I didn't think these kinds of videos touch your heart like it already knows you very much. I don't really watch videos about psychology, and this might be the first psychology video I've ever watched, and boy oh boy you made me realize how stupid I really was. Now I kinda regret what I did in elementary. I do still have time to change, just turned 18 a few days ago. After watching this video, I decided to go to a college where no one knows me, no one knows how pathetically smart I was, and remake my identity through the suggestions in this video. Love it, thanks so much.
This man analyzed me with like 90% accuracy in less than half an hour. He even got the part where I was planning to tell my future kids that a small scratch wasnt worth making a fuss over Edit: HE EVEN GOT THE HALF ASSING STUFF THING. WTF?! Edit 2: My entire worldview got destroyed in 22 minutes. 10/10 video, and I am now going to watch every other video on this channel
same
I'm not kidding when I say for a person who has horrible adhd like myself this channel has been a gift
@@Madchris8828he has a video on adhd if you haven't watched it it's very useful
Same! I made a similar comment. In one of his other videos he *totally* nailed what goes through my mind with social anxiety in social settings! Like how? Super accurate for sure
Same 🥲
"Not wanting to do something until I know it from 1 to 100 before starting to avoid mistakes" has been like my life code. I never really could appreciate just how much this mentality would eventually lead me into almost every other behavior you layed out here. Thank you for the continuous insights, Dr. K!
Got really bad when I started dating.
I’ve definitely found that I learn way more from my mistakes and losses than from any amount of pre-game theory. It’s a tough pill for my pride to swallow, but it’s the best path.
this is my current life strategy, which means not taking any direction or step in life and just thinking and gathering knowledge instead...
@@jacobm2625Pride? You are bots, or drones to blame victims. Humans tackle, and beat other humans over money, and even worse for control over "mistakes". Your takes cover, and excuse abuse.
so true mans so true i had the same mentality
You have no idea how much I identify with this video. Like Internally. I am not exactly the kind of person described, I am quiete social, learned that I need to study at some point when school become challenging, but the if I tried my best and failed that makes me feel even worse, I felt that on another level and thank you for actually bringing that into words because you made my wrong thinking sound wrong whilst I made it sound right and locigal
This is actually insanely helpful, I will definitely refer to this anytime I feel stuck, I feel like I have been dealing with a lot of the issues that you explain here, and I think this will help me a lot, thanks.
Your "Why Gifted Kids Are Actually Special Needs" video hit me right at home, but this? This just shook all my fundamentals. You are so perfectly describing me it's scary. I always say that being "gifted" is a curse, and that it made me not a successful person but a cripple who nobody can see as it's not a physical crippling. I'm 28 and I still hear that I'm smart and that enrages me so bad, cause I know that it's simply not true. Or maybe it is, but I was just misleaded my whole life that I will have easy in living just because I'm "smart"? I don't know anymore and the feeling of doom that I feel everyday when I wake up is geeting too much to bear...
I am also enraged when someone tells me that I'm "smart". I have recently realized that, deep down, I think that believing that I'm smart is vain and overconfident, which intelligent people shouldn't do...
I’m super smart and clever
And then Racial Conflict happens on classrooms
@@teplapus8795I think that objectively saying “I am intelligent and smart” is an ok thing to do. It’s a logical fact. I think that what really matters is how you act on that and if you think that that makes you “above” others just because you are smart. Saying you are intelligent by itself isn’t vain, it’s how you act on that that matters.
"It is what it is"
It took me a decade to realize this on my own. Taking one semester of Physics BA was basically an ego death experience for me. I'd like to see Dr. K going into the real deep core of this idea "if I'm not smart, which is my identity, what do I have? nothing, I'm worthless, I have no value, and I have to have value because if I don't have value I'm not worthy of love, affection, care and basically am ded."
bro.. being smart is relative and limiting.. there's always going to be someone better than you in general intelligence and even if you are sitting at the very top of the pyramid here, you will be beaten in most of the cognitive tasks by experts due to pure experience, so what is your worth, your actions and more importantly the intentions behind your actions are your worth. the world will any day value a good dad who takes care of his kids over a genius serial killer who escaped capture before killing dozens.
@@sujitsadhnani750 Yes but when your parents condition their love for you to academic success, and you are bullied by the "dumb" kids, your only coping mechanism with everything is to entrench yourself subconsciously into the smart identity, and "discarding" it as K just casually talks about is not an easy task
That was my experience during the pamdemic. When I lost the ability to do good in school (with 0 effort), I felt completely worthless. I still haven’t recovered. It’s been interesting to experience going from expecting the best results to wishing for just a 50% grade
Maybe your identity doesn't have to be any one thing such as smart or rich or anything like that. You have plenty of value just by being here and don't have to be extraordinary prodigy to be worthy of affection and belonging. It's ok just to chill a little and be "average" 😀 I had a similar experience with my first exam in uni- it was biology, I got a C and literally spiraled into an existential (and a little bit of or a lot bit of a narcissistic) crisis. A few years later I realize how silly it was. I am good in some things, great in others, pretty bad in a lot of things. And that's ok. I can work on it or accept it and in any case deserve good people and good relationships 🤝
Ego death would have gotten rid of that kind of questionment: " what do I have? nothing, I'm worthless, I have no value, and I have to have value because if I don't have value I'm not worthy of love, affection, care and basically am ded."".... thats 100% ego speaking. ego death brings you in a state of mind similar to that of a newborn. Not only a void, but a void to fill. a sponge soaking up the world around and learning it from square 1 instead of the old biases you had. Think about it, did you even know what love felt like as a newborn?
I appreciate this one, Doc. My childhood was as one of those where they put the kid in advanced classes around kids he can’t relate to, like one of those gifted kid movies… complete with all the psychiatric cognitive tests. It was terribly isolating. Once ppl found out, it’s all they wanted to know about me. Playing the social puzzle game only taught me the habit of masking. Took me until I was 40 to break it through serious inner child work and learn to love myself.
I can’t believe how true this rings for me. Calculate social interactions, the need to say the right things etc
I suspected that I might be on the autistic spectrum for some time but that cognitive empathy thing sounds like what actually happened to my social skills
same
It's still worth a screening nonetheless, if the conclusion is that you don't have autism, you don't lose anything, you have valuable information and can act accordingly.
Seriously. My therapist has even said it’s too hard for her to tell with me what is intelligence and what could be neurodivergence. There are too many things that make me think that I’m not neurodivergent, and that it’s a combination of relying too much on cognition and also anxiety hijacking my real-time responses
I wouldn't draw a conclusion so quickly. It's probably not one to one but I wouldn't be surprised if there's a strong correlation between cognitive empathy and neurodivergence. Can only speak from my own personal experience but I identified the pattern Doctor K is describing in the video somewhere around college, went to therapy for that reason and a few others, got continuously dismissed for being too "high functioning", then lit up an autism screening like a Christmas tree in my late twenties years later. There's way too much stigma about mental health and you literally have nothing to lose by getting screened even if it comes back negative. Especially if a professional recommends it.
@@ryanbarker3978 exactly my thoughts, I Believe there is a huge correlation but I'm only going off of anecdotal evidence. Autistic people are VERY empathetic.
As a 16 year old, I'm grateful I'm watching this right now. It explained very well why I'm becoming increasingly lonely. I kind of realised my whole identity was just being "smart" some years ago, but I suppose it was too difficult for me to abandon the idea. I hope I can change this now. Thanks for the video.
Ye
I’ve began to realize that you don’t have to be perfect. Everyone makes mistakes and you don’t have to stay as “the smart kid”
You got this bro!! I believe in you 🫶🫶🫶🫶
Same, this helps.
Nearly the same, but I guess I was so self conscious and saw how nerds are regarded that I basically tore down nearly all association with my identity of being a nerd/smart kid.
I dont realy have the problem with the "smart kid personality" even tho im 16 and have been performing with straigt A's or rarely B's and C's in middle school. But cognitive empathy might be a thing i didnt even notice. When i did introspection i figured my emotions are kinda weak, not only empathy, but i explained it to myself that this might be due to my family and friends calling me a "crybaby" as i was very emotional and sensitive at my early ages up to 10, give or take some. Also i connected it with the fact that perfection was kinda expected from me, but i never thought thats how i percieved relationships until you mentioned it. Hopefuy i'll find a solution to having an easier time in day to day convos.
Thanks Dr. K. I can't describe how much it helped me.
This video escalated fast into a very accurate description of me. I’m 41 and I still spend a large chunk of social interactions calculating everything. In the last few years I started studying about social interactions through both books (How to win friends and influence people, Games people play are two that I’ve read multiple times this year) and studying the behavior of people who are considered charismatic. It’s made me very comfortable in social situations, and the practice I get from it compounds putting me into a position of being called good, funny, comforting, and a few people have just said amazing. I don’t feel that way, due to low self-esteem, so I feel undeserving and it makes me want to isolate.
I was really into reading all I can about this sort of thing (For sure How to Win Friends and Influence People was part of my list - a lot of Robert Greene, too), and I saw results, but hasn't it left you jaded and/or empty feeling? I found that now I have learn how to trust and let myself go with people once I trust them, which is hard because I'm tracking and mapping their behavior to the concepts in those books. The effect is that I frequently doubt people's sincerity and I find myself a bit disgusted with their apparent lack of self-awareness. Maybe you don't feel deserving because you know that the flattery or attention you're giving people is a means to and end of manipulating them into complimenting you, and in the end if you had to make someone say "I love you", it defeats the purpose of receiving that sentiment from them. I'm not saying you don't deserve love, but only that it won't really affect you deeply unless that attention is in response to your genuine self.
@genericbotface I'm at a similar point as you two, where I am still trying to reason my way around social situations and simply end up either overthinking it or feeling empty results. Honestly, I've been finding better results after socaliseing on very little sleep. It keeps me from overthinking, I guess, but even still, it's annoying being 20 yo and not being able to socialize efforetlessly.
I’m 40 and felt the exact same way. Get a Bible, Jesus helps it all. Sounds odd in this day and age but Jesus is literally the answer. Joining a Bible study will change you and bring peace. Have faith.
This is my entire fear regarding ever reading any type of social engineering book. I know that should I ever fall down that hole that I'd quickly fall into trying to calculate my way through social interaction as opposed to good old fashioned practice and experience. I never knew why the thought of reading something like that irked me, made me uncomfortable. This just gave that gut feeling a explanation. Thank you, and best of luck.
You are a wonderfull person deserving of love. A huge to you! 🥰
I’m 54 and have never given 100% because failing with full effort would crush me. Thanks for the lesson Dr K.
I'm 61. Same.
Same here. But I'm 23.
I am currently 17yrs old, and i feel the same.
The times I gave 100% were the times I _really_ gave 100%, because I didn't want to fail.
I gave 50% on college until I get to be math tutor so I only did part time while doing way more freetime than an avg student in case it doesn't work out. Becoming a tutor is the "I can trust college" thing . Year off to being tutor, pandemic happens everyone losing jobs so would be waay too hard to get job so I dropped. Now over a year after pandemic I'm still hearing too many STEM students not getting jobs but instead 100k debt while I'm out here living life to the fullest.
I had to watch it to the end to realize what you meant cus I can relate to this so much … but the idea of taking the risk is scary! I really needed this video.. now everything makes much more sense!
Dear gentlemen, you are so intelligent in your sphere. I'm glad i found this channel. Thanks a lot for the information. My psychiatrist diagnosed me scyzo-type disorder (in my country it's a gradient, not just schizophrenia, there some more disorders. I have NO any hallucinations), but i understand that problem in another way. So now you actually told what i thought about my way thinking social communication. Always there were problems with understanding of others emotional signal, but i am very good at reading unverbal signals and analysing second layer in the speech or text. Thanks a lot!
I was a typical "smart kid", breezed through primary and middle school on intelligence with no social skills, really struggled in highschool with exactly these feelings you've mentioned in this video. As a young adult being diagnosed with Autism and ADHD I finally started getting answers for why my brain behaves how it does and learn to make life and tasks cater to my brain, I've now regained a lot of functionality that I didn't have in highschool.
As for me, I had a similar story. Even the first 2 years of college was piss easy (only needed to put in some study nights past the first year), but at what cost? Girlfriends? Regular friends?
Btw could you tell me what's the sign of autism or adhd? I couldn't afford to go there, it would be really helpful
I was taught to put in effort and though I sort of just passed my first few years of primary school, I excelled in high school. Much like you however, I also felt I had little experience in social skills. I was fine in my first years when I was just passing, but as I became smarter, I didn’t feel so familiar to everyone else and people stopped caring. This is when I think my social skills weakened due to the lack of socialisation. Everyone I had good relation with was either far older and far younger than my age level for the next 4 years. In high school, I had come to realise this and still struggle with social skills today but am improving. I now hang out with some great friends that I can chat to about anything and are also at my intelligence.
that is rough i got adhd but i aint smart lol
I can't believe how much this explanation aligned with my situation. I'm 34 y/o, but I never understood why I hated social interaction that much. I was not abandoned by my parents or anything like that. The difference is that people often told me that I was intelligent, but I have never felt and still don't feel like I am. So now I feel lonely and dumb.
Womp womp
@@skwillywilly (siiiippp) tastes like low quality bait
@@chiefhydropolis nah, this is a master bait.
@@skwillywilly As long as you wash your hands after
Womp womp
Thanks for opening kinda my eyes, i feel a little bit stupid bc so much time wasted and so much hurting yourself, also I'm remembering how my mom told me every morning like I'm the first, the second and the third, of everything.. that kinda mess how everything turned out for me later in life, but somehow finally found something that makes me feel a little bit of passion, it takes humility in that too Bless u dr. K
This is actually really insightful, thank you!
Its just that feeling you get when someone summarizes your entire life story. The problems, the reasoning and then the solutions, and I'm so glad I finished that before I got out of high-school.
That feeling 😮💨
Lucky you. I'm watching this video at 28 years old.
Ex-"Gifted" child here. All of this describes me almost perfectly. My "smart" mind always felt like my whole identity. At school I easily understood the whole programm without any effort. I remember, when I got at univercity, among all courses there were math. Advanced one. And I remember that on the very first lecture there were a lot of new material, and there was I, who, for the first time, couldn't understand it. I got so scared, that I literally cried rigth there in the auditorium. Of course I suppressed it and no one noticed, but later on I felt this immense pressure from the other students, who were much smarter than me. Now I am 26, got expelled from uni 3 times, unemployed and having panic attacks, which almost destroyed my social life. Like others mentioned, my "non-gifted" classmates are much more successful now.
It doesn't make you a failure, keep going
@@bluesea3422 oh, thanks mate! Tbh it's better now than it was before (thanks to the therapy, books and videos like that), but still got a long distance to cover.
@@NestPavel Don't metion it, glad to hear it's better now
@@NestPavel It is getting much more better and you are going to become a human being who still gifted but being aware of life much more than before.
@@selftherapyispossible Thank you for your kind words
Very helpful and informative video. Thank you
Wow. I didn’t know I needed this video, but here we are. I’ve never heard of Cognitive Empathy before, but it explains a lot. Thank you for the tips Dr. K
This is... so accurate. I'm what's considered a "smart kid" in this scenario, and I'm 13. I have struggled a lot lately with family members telling me I'm "too lazy", but covering it up with stuff like "why won't you do it?" or "just do it." After watching this video, everything in my entire life just clicked. I've always been labeled the smart kid from siblings, parents, teachers, classmates, even friends. I've always had trouble socializing so I label myself as introverted. I've always hated interacting with other people online and in games because they're "stupid". I've always been scared of doing anything outside my comfort zone that takes too much effort. I've always been what people might call "lazy". Thank you so much for making this video. I hate the word lazy because it's such a negative word and it feels like I often put myself down using it, calling myself lazy. I finally understand what the problem actually is. I'm gonna share this video with my parents so I can finally be able to communicate and solve these problems effectively. Thank you again.
👌
You're literally me oh my god
You said exactly what I was gonna say, yet I’m 17
I'm the same as you but I'm 15 and diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and adhd. My inherent "laziness" is just a lack of dopamine that doesn't let me do anything I want to do and makes me over think every social interaction. Try asking your parents to take you to a psychiatrist for a diagnosis because you may have an underlying neurological issue like me and many other smart kids, it helps as they can advice your parents on what to do as well.
I'm the same, but never hear somebody talking about this topic I happy to see you are aware of that now (I'm 22)
This coupled with undiagnosed ADHD was a recipe for disaster. I had to pick myself from the bottom and start over. Learning that it's okay to fail has been so great. I also learned that social skills can be improved on after spending time with people. I'll never get back all those years I missed on socializing but I can at least look forward. Thank you!
I come from a similar situation from the looks of it. Your comment motivates me just a bit more to try and socialize now.
Exactly the same with autism. I’m just this year trying a lot more to socialize, and it’s starting to work out a lot better.
Empathizeing hard here
I had this same issue growing up, but thankfully I got lucky enough to meet some esports coaches during my teenage years and they put me on the right path. I still struggle sometimes, but knowing that failure is a good thing and taking "snapshots" of my progress to look back on helped alot. I can guarantee that if I never met those people or someone like that, I'd be at the bottom of the "smart kid" spiral. ADHD makes studying by reading a book or listening to a lecturer extremely difficult, but I managed to get into uni courses where most meetings are not mandatory and they are self study oriented. For anyone reading this; please try to learn how to fail and ask for help before life forces you to fail, its the easiest way to avoid falling into the void of self doubt
Yeah me too I never really had a lot of friends I just like to spend my time alone not only that every time I fail I would hurt myself it was a hard time and I'm still struggling with it I prefer to daydream rather than socialize and the few friends I had just kinda drifted away. Glad that you're improving
i'm going on 16 and i was a smart quiet kid growing up. i didn't need to study to pass tests and that led to inconsistent study schedules and zero to no effort in studying. i still get concepts in math fairly quicker than my peers and i'm happy to teach them or help them, but i'm seriously starting to notice signs of defensive arrogance in my behavior. i usually begin thinking im smarter, or they don't know as much as i do whenever i have a conversation with my peers. this video might just have saved my life
You have so many revelations before you even get to your main point, it's amazing, I keep pausing and processing it. Just the words "Effortless success" hit like a truck. "If your self-esteem is in shambles you can't even leave the house". Truck. And then, the Prestige.. didn't see the conclusion coming. Bravo, I'll be sitting on this one for some time.
I feel this so much. I'm now 20, and I have realised years ago that being labelled the 'smart kid' gave me exactly this identity of effortless success, and thus I purposefully never put effort toward anything, even though I really want to put effort in, in a way and it is still holding me back even if I have acknowledged it years ago, but I'm trying to be better every day. It's nice to hear that this is a reasonably common thing for others as well :) Edit: oh my god, I came to the part of the powerpoint class example and oh my god do I feel that so much. I miss out on so many classes and such, because I know I can figure it out myself, but then I don't end up doing it after all, damn
Im here for you! id always be down to make more friends
Hey I relate to this a lot. I was also considered by everyone as one of the smart kids at school. I found school a lot easier than most of the others, but now I'm 22 and am realising I actually need to put some effort in. You got this☺️
I put in little effort and was successful
Me too, I feel the same way and I also am 20
Good on you man for trying to get better! I’m 20 as well and I’m no better than when I dropped out of uni a year plus ago. When trying to get better was there a way you went about finding hobbies and interests? The one dimensional identity problem is killing me, I don’t have anything.
Smart kid at school with ADHD (not diagnosed until adulthood) Smarts masked ADHD. ADHD turned school into a dull, frustrating (for me, parents & teachers) s***show. Current day: I live alone, suffer from depression, rarely see or speak to friends or family, can't hold down a job, can't get a good job because I can't stick with anything long enough to get experience or a formal qualification (includes two attempts at university. Both a bust.) Why am I tell you this? Because it's a little late for me now (i'm 51) but if someone reads this and by doing so they manage to change direction for the better than I have, at least, turned my s****y situation into a lifeline for someone else. You owe it to yourself to take care of yourself.
Never too late for improvement friend! I too have been labeled “gifted” and been recently diagnosed with adhd. 27 now, although I grieve that I wasn’t diagnosed sooner and I didn’t understand why I am the way I am, I’m grateful that now I can have a plan to improving myself.
@@beingzombievstheworldyou don't fix it. You accept it and then you try to figure out what you need to change about your life, environment etc so you don't just keep suffering in the same circumstances
@@vinny1641 Stress, depression, physical illness (possibly psychosomatic) manifests as asthma or sinusitis, high blood pressure. Been on an off BP meds a lot through the years. Outwardly, verbal clashes with customers, colleagues and management. I've probably spent more time being disciplined in jobs then I ever did in school. Never got to physical altercations but got a little too close for comfort at times. I'm not temperamentally a violent person, at all btw. I've never been fired as I always walk before i'm pushed.
Holy shit. Gifted student here (scored 144 on an IQ test at 7) who also has ADHD. Currently 14 and in eighth grade. Thank you for this warning - I will attempt to take this video's points to heart so I can live a good life.
@@elliotfinn The pitfalls are there. Just keep an eye open. For example, i'm terrible at keeping in touch with friends. So much so many good friendships have fallen by the wayside. A couple of potential marriages have suffered for the same reasons. If you ever start getting bored of a friendship think very long and hard about what makes you friends. If the friendship is important to you then make efforts to maintain it. Don't let feelings of boredom let good friendships lapse! They're worth the effort! 😀
I needed this so much. This has been one of my most prominent issues and I've struggled to explain it to my therapists in a way where they could help. I'm so far into my isolation that I'm agoraphobic, probably partially due to trauma and body image, as well, so I'm going to comb through and find resources on those issues to pair with the strategies suggested in this video. Thank you so much, Dr. K. The wizard vs healer analogy was perfect!
Good day! I was just wondering if you're clinically diagnosed with agoraphobia.
@@user-jh8lj7jc8p Hi. I feel sort of weird answering, but here goes. I'm not diagnosed with agoraphobia, though I've been diagnosed with GAD and SAD in the past. When I lived in an area that wasn't my hometown, it was more obvious and therapists would talk to me more about it. In my hometown, I felt okay enough walking in short bursts around where I knew. The therapist I had, from my perspective, didn't acknowledge that I had struggles with leaving my home, let alone my 3x3 street block area of safety. I moved out a few months ago again (I'm a married mom) and haven't left my current residence since. The only time I go outside is with my husband or mom. I try often, I have desires to do things outside, but the fear is so strong and visceral that I struggle to go out. I don't say "I have agoraphobia" but "agoraphobic" is the best descriptor I have. I didn't used to have such an aversion or like, jolt of fear, when out and about.. I had postpartum mental health issues that culminated in stress-induced OCD (diagnosed) that kept me from going outside. That was almost 10 years ago. I haven't recovered fully since but my husband and mother are very supportive in helping me get everyone's needs met. ❤️
@@user-jh8lj7jc8p I thought I had answered, but it disappeared. Short answer, I'm not diagnosed but it's the best descriptor I have. I'm diagnosed with GAD and SAD, have been diagnosed with stress-induced obsessive compulsive tendencies once I had babies, and that made me into a hermit. I don't leave without my husband or mom and sometimes I can't handle that much.
This both increased and decreased my small ego as a smart kid. I am moving away from this path and moving toward the practice path, rather than perfection. But I am usually one of the ones at the top of my class and this makes sense
"I don't want to take the first step until I can figure out the last step" is probably one of the biggest symptoms of this that really screws up my life. I generally don't have much success in putting my thoughts into words but that was the perfect way of saying that
Effortless success was a poisoned gift for me. Sure early on I was able to succeed at everything almost without studying and had it easy. But once I reached university and that I actually had to start studying for real it all got very complicated since I never learned how to study. It costed me a lot of time along with a good portion of my self esteem to get my bachelor. Learning how to study properly is most likely the most difficult thing I had to learn since I never did it for 18 years.
Same here. I managed to get my bachelors because I know I need it to get a job but I never passed my licensure exams that could have gotten me more pay faster. I still don't have my license but I am too lazy to do it.
Same. It took me until I was nearly out of high school to learn to use flash cards. I took notes, but I never went over them. I still have bad study habits and I'm almost 40.
i was fine.. until one test in 8th grade. i am about to take it and i have NO skills or motivation for studying because i remained 2+ grades ahead and didnt need to. its better to struggle for a 90 then to get 100's.
im scared af but cant study well
i have spent thousands upon thousands of hours on youtube, and this is the best video i've seen. thank you for opening my eyes dr hg, this is life changing
This was honestly great you are amazing at describing individuals. Thank you for this
Dr. K, I can't stress enough how MIND OPENING this video is. I'm 22 right now and all my life I've been feeling EXACTLY the way you described it. I have this passion for storytelling through film but I never myself make a crew or joining up other film crew because my ego always say "It's better to work on my own because they won't be able to capture my vision for the movie" and that's what makes me, in the end, lost the passion for filmmaking. I sincerely thank you for this information that you just gave me and I shall do my best to abandon this "smart kid" mentality and start connecting with other people and building strong bond with them. Thank you Dr. K, thank you so much.
You can do it Pal!! Please, please be patient with yourself, let youself look bad, ask others, and let yourself fail x1000 times (chances are you'll pretty decent before x1000 ;) Not trying to preach. Totally in the same boat and wish I had the mentality a decade ago. Thank you Dr. K for starting this discussing!
22yo it's still pretty easy to change where you're heading. Genetically speaking you have until about 25yo to do and learn stuff while your neuroplasticity is still at top conditions. Get this time to study, learn skill you are lack or you are poor at. You have so much time ahead of you
@@StefanoDaGiau Explain a bit more, how do I get most of remaining 2 years??
@@StefanoDaGiau I feel like you can learn at any age even though it's a bit easier when you are younger.
Dude same. This video was painfully accurate. I always wanted to do more acting but could never give it 100%. Everything he talks about, I found through trial and error and it works but I hadn't put it all together yet. Now we have a plan. Let's make dreams happen brother. I'll come back here in a few months for sure.
I was a gifted kid that did nothing with it. I hated having expectations (and to an extent, still do). I knew that getting into harder classes and pushing myself meant increasing expectation. As an adult, I still hate people expecting things from me, but I have learned how to semi-manage. Therapy really helped with that.
I know I shouldn't say this but I'm glad there's someone who thinks the way I do I hated having expectations
Me too! I guess it's because I never actually wanted to be labeled the smart kid. They still did. And I got the short end of that stick.
It's understandable that the pressure and expectations placed upon you as a gifted child created a sense of aversion towards expectations in general. It's great to hear that therapy has been helpful in managing these feelings and providing support in navigating those expectations as an adult. It's important to remember that you have the power to define your own path and set your own goals, independent of what others may expect from you. Prioritizing your own well-being and finding a balance between personal growth and managing external expectations can lead to a more fulfilling and authentic life. Keep exploring and utilizing the tools that work best for you on this journey of self-discovery.
oh my god! someone finally put how i was feeling into words….
true gifted students arent scared of harder classes in fact I feel like they would want to be challenged by it. People like terence tao aced international olympiads and the hardest of competitions even at a young age
Thank you so much, I needed to hear this so much. Your content makes me more aware of reality and because of it, I am not as sad as I was
You nailed it. I was however very outgoing so it ended up helping me do exactly as you said. Glad I found the right way by accident. STILL working on doing my best sometimes though. Thank you.
Man, I dug myself into this hole even deeper. I was the smart kid in school and started struggling here in university. But to bring myself out of it, I just worked harder on my own in the library. I learned to be efficient on my own. Now I’m on a big project team in my senior year as a leader and I’m genuinely awful because my communication is so bad.
Damn, bro. Hit the library, learn about communication, become the chad you're destined to be!
@@nottomclancy2439didn’t we just watch a whole video on how rationalizing your way out of problems isn’t going to get us anywhere. Learn from experience, just get out there and talk to people.
We need to also talk about why the smart kids need to plan their steps. It’s because of being more sensitive to the results of what happens next. It’s an emotional reason, it’s not just just of their cognitive mind, it’s because of what they are feeling.
Dont tell me they also heard my freakin mouth! Oh my god.. 🤐🙄
I'm gonna kinda disagree. In my eyes, we plan ahead because logically this step should get us here or will get us there. Problem here is, it's a huge bulnder because the world does not run on logic, atleast in our society or society itself. Like look around, look at all the shit everyone's doing and calling it reality. And it's fustrating and depressing when you understand the logical aspect of it and how you could fix that but you can't understand the overwhelming emotions that got them there in the place. Like you'd be shock to learn they already know how to fix their problems their emotions just won't let them. It's like feeling tired and knowing sleep is what gets you rested, but what if you're emotionally tired, sleeping then becomes irrelevant.
@@yellowtapes it wouldn’t make them hurt or depressed if they were okay with the results they planned for of what could happen and just logically understanding wouldn’t cause hurt or a need to avoid possible hurt by planning ahead, even if things didn’t logically make sense, they wouldn’t be hurt if it wasn’t an emotional reason behind it, they would just think that other people are stupid
I am exactly like this. I’ve had dozens of hobbies, with all of them I have a super quick learning curve up to a point then I need to work harder to continue progressing in the hobby/skill. I’ve been overcoming social anxiety I developed around 8th or 9th grade. It was so bad I convinced my parents to let me drop out to start working and begin college. Everything was good until I failed all my classes because I never went to class. Passed everything on paper but didn’t meet the college’s attendance requirements. I went on to joint the Army and love it. I’ve also earned an associates for free and am well on my way to a bachelors. My social anxiety is way more manageable but I still take a long time to warm up to people I don’t know we’ll. But I still struggle from the habits (or lack of) that I developed as a kid. It’s mentally painful to force myself to study for things I don’t easily understand at first.
Very insightful. Thanks
Explain to me why I’m lonely and dumb then
dunno wanna find out
Relatable 😓
You are just lonely not dumb then
Because you are alone. As soon as you are surrounded by people you are the smartest in the room.
Being "the smartest in the room" becomes super easy when you're the only one in the room. Follow me for more useful life advice!
My DEY (do everything yourself) mindset has sabotaged me, SO MANY TIMES. I have STRUGGLED asking for help. In school, in personal life, financially, emotionally. I’ve finally begun to relinquish some control and realize that it’s not a good use of time to learn something from zero when I can just ask someone whose already done it and learn in 2 minutes instead of 2 hours. Has been an eye opener
omg are you me ):
Bruh I've recently tried this but whenever I ask for help nobody helps me which reminds me why I don't ask in the first place lol you must just be lucky
it depends. if the help isn't *real* help, doesn't better your understanding and only gives you "the answer", it might be better to just go for it yourself
As the youngest of 3 brothers with one on the spectrum I always felt like I had to be the smart one, it wasn’t an option. I didn’t have my divorced parents to go to and they didn’t have the time once my brothers got their share. Now being the only one going into college semester 2 with no friends but one from prior school and no clue how to reach out. This video hit too hard and even just typing this brought a tear to my eye on the bus commute to college.
Damn, good luck man.
Your points really resonate to me… especially since I feel like I’m half-assing all the time and the alternative is even more terrifying, the admission that maybe I _have been trying my best,_ as in technically, the ability to persevere also being an ability, but I still cannot amount to aspirations and I am a lousy creature. I also definitely feel I resort to the intellectualization defense heavily, perhaps even now as I’m making this comment, because I’m insecure and don’t actually know how to express my emotions otherwise. It always feels like I’m some crustacean that’s getting de-shelled whenever I try to open up… I hope I muster enough courage to try your solutions head on.
Going back to school has been such an interesting experience for me. I was a "gifted kid" and had all of these problems you describe. I've spent the past few years working really hard to unlearn that perfectionism, and part of that process involved CHOOSING to no longer identify as "smart." Leaning into being average or only a tiny bit above average. Now that I'm back in school, I'm approaching it in a MUCH healthier way than before, but I'm also coming to realize that I legitimately am smarter than a lot of people. School really does come easier to me than some of my classmates. But I no longer use that as a way to boost my ego. It's just a small gift the universe has given me in the form of needing to study a little less to understand the same material. It's not that I can get away with not studying at all - I still have to work, and THAT'S what I base my success on now - but I'm lucky to generally understand concepts on the first try.
I like to think of it as talented at school. Others have other talents. It doesn't make them less smart, just have different specializations. But if a talent is going to grow into a useful skill, it needs to be nurtured with hard work, same as anything else.
How did you fix yourself? I’m still struggling to apply myself to the work
@@victorinprogress I haven't gone back to school. So, I guess I don't know how I'd do now. I have adhd, so the old school skills withered. But I got through college without reading lol because I'd try to write as fast as the teacher spoke.
Bro I really relate to you. i did that too
I'm amazed by Dr. K's ability to articulate the cognition and feelings going through my mind when I'm struggling with video topics like this
same dude
thank you so much doc, this actually helped me out so much!!
this just gave me a new perspective- im heading into college now, but i feel lost in the fact that i dont know who i am going into that. this video just helped me realize why am i afraid of getting into driving like my friends are, why am i isolating from fun events and activities in favor of just rotting in bed and doing assignments due weeks later, and just, this video just helped me realize that all i do have is "i am just smart" my parents want me to just keep studying; get into a college, be my own boss, get a job that earns me a lot without doing much. im trying to tell them that i dont want to be smart anymore- i just want to be a kid who didnt have to grow up so soon. this video felt like a hug. it felt like it validated all these feelings ive been having since i was 14. and just, thanks for making this video
Another girl about to go to college here!, literally felt identified by every word in the video and in your comment, I often catch myself not expressing my thoughts or ideas, for example in a simple group work I just try to stay in my comfort zone and play safe, not telling my ideas because of fearing they might be bad ideas or failures, this makes me mad at myself for not being confident enough and then I just say to myself well it doesn’t matter, or when I’m talking to a friend or hang out with them I have to make sure I know everything that is going to happen and think of conversation, activities, I just fear not being able to know what to say and I sometimes even just say I can’t go or make up an excuse, going in to university I have no idea of who I am or even if my ideas were actually good or what, I haven’t been able to fail and learn from that I just hide.
I was very lonely because of that, but when I realized that nobody cared about my intelligence, I purposely stopped seeing myself as smart and I started having better social interactions and more friends. I stopped being analytical, and I learned to flow better almost unconsciously just by doing that change in my mentality. It’s nice to see that I figured out by myself the solution you just talked about. Now I feel smart xd. In reality I know that I’m smart, but I try to humble myself and say “I’m not that smart”, so I can work in something like an average person but improve twice as fast.
Haha my ego also really wanted to say the same thing while I was watching the video. But I'm still having the problem of being too analytical, you got any tips on how to overcome that?
@@gytzero see other people as humans worth talking to lol
@@sim4296 lol
I feel the same lol, French comes moderately easy to me and in our French class we usually play review games before tests and I’d usually get 1-3rd place and do it very fast and people would be like oh you’re so smart or how did you do it so fast? I’d be like “I don’t know” or I just memorized the terms and the English translation cuz I want to be humble. Tbh I agree with the statement that being seen as smart alienates you from every one else and that’s why I’ll play myself down as not that smart lol. Being told I was smart constantly has given me a really bad work ethic and a procrastinate a lot or put in bad effort. Usually when I come home from school I’ll sleep and then wake up at like 10 pm and take a shower and then do homework and then go back to sleep at 3am. I’m working on trying to put 100% effort but like dr k said I make a lot of excuses like oh I’ll do it tomorrow or I’ll just take a quick nap(when it ain’t) or I just rush it and it’s bad quality work. Idk how to put much effort in because in previous years I’ve had to put in no effort to be successful and not saying like I’m gifted or something but I wish I needed to put more effort in-in previous years so I could grow a proper work ethic. Funny thing is when I entered middle school I didn’t know much and was failing all my classes and my parents were very angry with me but then Covid happened and suddenly I was just smart 💀 😭 like not even joking, I got good grades and I never studied much and still did well. I would go home, do my homework and then play games and watch tv etc rinse repeat and I didn’t need to work much. Now I’m a junior in high school still mostly cruising but my physics class has gotten hard and idk what to do cuz it requires a lot of effort, another proof to my low effort is that I had a 100 in world history advanced last marking period which told me that I should’ve moved up to world history honors or whap, but it requires more effort and didn’t want to feel dumb if I did bad in there. Anyways time to make a second comment since this is so long lol
Anyways I don’t even know if my last comment has anything to do with being smart all I know is I have bad time management problems/procrastination/laziness problems/effort problems lol(probably need professional help). Worried for university because it’s gonna be very hard and requires dedication and hard work and perseverance and the ability to learn from mistakes etc. Also when I get home I still mostly do homework(the bare minimum) and then either sleep or go on KZhead lol but rarely study unless it’s physics. Also 2 tangents I have lol: Tangent 1: we should just get rid of the word smart. Like obviously it’s a complement but like dr k said “being smart is being effortlessly successful” I’d rather someone say I’m successful, perseverant, and committed than smart lol. Mostly because people can only be majorly successful if they work hard and stay committed. Smart people arent better than successful people unless their smartness can carry them through university lol. Smart people don’t put in effort because if they fail they will feel defeated and dumb which equates to smart people only put in effort if they know the result. Which relates to real life in which these kinds of people only make decisions if they know the outcome but in reality a lot of decisions and conversations need to be natural and on the fly. I decided to take a risk a join boys volleyball even though I was bad at vball and it was a new sport in our school but I’m slowly learning how to get better and might even make varsity this year. Couldn’t imagine my life if I never joined. Anyways take risks even if you don’t know the outcome and even if you fail, take what you learned and try again and always try 100% ❤ Tangent 2: anyone realize that people also don’t gravitate towards kind people? Like everyone says I’m so kind and nice and smart etc but then never invite me to parties or sleepovers or basically anything lol. I think it’s just hardwired into our brains that kindness isn’t really to be kind, it’s because people aren’t comfortable enough being who they truly are around people or they can’t say what they want to say to them. If everyone was kind to each other the world would be boring tbh and I am a boring person because I am kind and don’t really feel like I can be myself, like at school I’m humble, polite and quiet but then at home I’m the exact opposite, I’ll make light fun of my brother and talk wayyy too much and dance around the house lol
I'm sat here chuckling, because this is me 100%. Everything you said so perfectly describes my experiences growing up. I also get Imposter Syndrome for days, because my intelligence usually carries me to the point of grasping concepts easily so I can do a pretty good job without trying, but then get suspicious that I just BS'ed my way through without actually learning anything, because I didn't have to put in effort. I remember when I hit the wall of my intelligence no longer carrying me. I was 17, studying higher level Maths in sixth form. I would've failed if it wasn't for private lessons. I felt so stupid and humiliated, then it just kept happening when I reached adulthood. I feel so lazy because anything that gives me any amount of difficulty, I drop like it's hot and move on. I really struggled with my identity during my previous job as a labourer, because "any idiot could do that". Even now, it still chafes that dumb people have life figured out better than me, because "I'm smart, I should be able to get this"
I'm sad how this describes me to a T. I thought and pretended to be "special," when I'm just another typical smart kid who is lonely and has no identity other than being smart. And I've had enough.
if u could go back and give ur 17 year old self a few words of advice to improve himself what would u say? Im in the exact same boat, i failed calculus last semester because i couldnt for the life of me put in the work or have the humility to ask for help (in college and 17). ive never failed a class in my life but it happened then. now I’m retaking it and I don’t want to repeat the same thing over again. So since you had a situation so similar to mine any words would be appreciated.
@@user-yt5mn1cd2s I would probably tell him to not be afraid to ask for help, to admit you're struggling. Part of seeing yourself is the pride of thinking you can do things on your own, but everything's easier with help. And I know it's hard, but learning how to study properly is an OP skill. Take notes, find outside resources. There wasn't much on KZhead when I was at school, but I know there are some creators who focus on advanced mathematics.
@@user-yt5mn1cd2spersonally I would have made use of my professors' office hours A LOT more. I also never failed a class until college, and I ended up retaking several dropped courses on the way to my engineering BS. If I'd utilized office hours more, I probably wouldn't have dropped as many courses. Also find classmates to study with. Explaining concepts to my classmates that they didn't understand and vice versa really helped me to understand them better. Good luck and don't be too hard on yourself if you still struggle. It is easier said than done, and being smart, it's not like we don't know what the solutions are, it's finding the motivation and energy to implement them that is the challenge.
Thanks for the extremely informative Video. I have been diagnosed with a high IQ. While I have been somewhat fortunate since I have developed a healthy connection to my 'empathetic circuits' I can very much relate to the not wanting to put in the effort into accomplishing something. It also has been a struggle to maintain close friendships in which I am 100% myself and not hold myself back in order to no overwhelm my friends. That's mostly due to my basically unlimited pool of topics to talk about and my insatiable hunger for doing so. I am in acting school right now and after an 3hour theory talk about method acting(without a pause in-between) we had a feedback round about the class. Almost everyone said they were exhausted mentally and it was a little too much for them. When it came to me to give feedback, I honestly answered that I could have kept going for at least another three hours. Unfortunately that did lead to many of my colleagues low-key distancing themselves from me, not due to that one incident, but because I am just very exhausting to be friends with sometimes. I am very fortunate to have a best friend for over half my life now. While she is not exactly intelligent in the ways I am. With her I can talk for hours without either of us becoming bored or tired. During my time at that school I have be come much better at practicing self-awareness. So recently I asked her if the amount of input is too much for her sometimes. She said yes, but all of it is valuable input so she doesn't mind the feeling of being overwhelmed after we met. Fortunately for us I suppose, we don't see each other more than twice a month at best since I we life far apart nowadays. Not sure if it's generally a good idea. But I found that for me and actually a few others from school who struggle with empathy and human connection, spending some time at an acting school was an absolute blessing. We learn about self-awareness, listening to our bodies and our emotions. Channeling them etc. Great life skills!
So glad I found this while I’m a freshman, maybe I can help this. I’ve definitely been getting better at social interactions, and I always wondered why everyone had a crush except me, uh now that I’m being more social, that’s changed 😂. Srsly tho, I got dropped in the perfect area for it, since there isn’t good internet it’s easier to get off my phone and go outside, go to events, and my friends are way more pushing then anyone else ever was. Glad i am where I am, and to the rest of you, hope it gets better, peace yall ✌🏻
I came here from "Burnt out gifted kids" resource pack, and damn I cry listening to every lesson on that. I would never imagine that there are so many people who are in the same situation, that it can have a name. I'd never imagine that I still have so much pain about how my school went since grades 5-7 and how I still feel like ever since my life went downhill. I've always told people that I used to be super introverted and didn't like communication, but at some point I started watching a lot of stand up comedy, observe how popular and charismatic peope act, and literally I just learned from that how to act the way that people like you. Same, since childhood I learned how to say things adult like and make them feel like I understand them so I have less problems. I ended up being in a situation when everybody thinks I'm a brilliant happy funny genius, extremely confident, have many friends and my life is amazing. And when I tell people that I'm incredibly insecure and I hate myself for every mistake and for every time I talked too much (which is every time I talk at all), they can't believe it. What I heard here about cognitive empathy is soooo much to the point. I'm literally crying. Now I'm learning how to actually be sincere with people and to make real connections, how to say what I feel and not just try to entertain everybody. This is something absolutely new for me but it brings much more value
Same! It's exactly the "observe and imitate, learn and adapt" thing that makes me emotionally stupid! Every time I talk a bit too much, I feel like a failure cuz I had a good plan in mind and failed to execute! I struggle to make real connections because of the "defensive arrogance". And because my empathy is pretty much cognitive, I find it hard to convey my real feelings, sometimes it's hard to even have those feelings in the first place!
@@dean8529 ya I can so relate, most of the time I didn't fully realize I was analyzing social situations and such, but always felt so tired afterwards. I definitely struggled with cognitive empathy, every social situation felt tiring and a pain. Friendships would come and go quickly and I'd always logic my way into new ones, and each time I just felt more drained. Also making sure I never felt close to any of them. Whenever I was called lazy or fake (even if as a joke) - or whenever I'd call myself that - I'd pretend to wear it like a badge and transform it into a joke, and laugh it off, pretending to not get affected. because I was "confident and smart". Even though I felt so bad afterwards and my self esteem was 6 feet under.
This rlly hurt. It’s awesome that there’s someone who is able to just say the main problems of my life. But hugging strangers is NOT going to help. Part of being in a situation to offer a hug also involves getting to that social situation. Like you said, it’s hard for us to able to even leave the house. There are probably more videos of yours that we can watch to help with that, but linking them in the description would be super helpful. Really enjoying the content and hopefully I can find solutions to the problems, rather than just hearing about them.
Yea I feel like I have to be someone’s friend before even offering a hug. It even seems weird for me with close friends- a quiet kid
Idk if you have a certain living condition/situation that prevents you from going outside but to me that just sounds like another thing you're trying to rationalize. "It's NOT going to help" how do you know that? How do you know it wouldn't help? And why are you trying to think about getting into a social situation before actively doing so? Part of letting go of rationalizing things is to just go out and do things. It's completely possible to hug strangers. Anybody that is considered a friend was at one point a stranger. Next time you go out to get something, try asking how the person next to you is doing, or compliment their Breaking Bad shirt or something. Small efforts go a long way and can lead to bigger and more impactful things. Hell, some people are probably cool with giving hugs even if they don't know you LOL, but you can't say nothing is going to help or that something isn't possible unless you actually go out there and do it and let yourself be humbled. Maybe even sign up for some in person event that happens somewhat often so you can see more familiar faces and get to know people closer. Idk, but it's important to just let go of your rationality and just do things. idk that's just my 4am take. but everyone deserves to be loved, and you can't say you can't do something unless you go out there and do it. and let yourself fail a few times so you can succeed in the future. it's all that life is, sucking at something is the first step to being sorta good at something.
fr i sturggle socially and making friends
@@Loansome_ i think what they meant was that it is hard to go into that situation mentally after so many years of enforcing the idea that they can't leave the house without logic
Ouch that hurt, especially the part with the humiliation. But i developed a kind of numbness towards other people and social interactions in general so i really enjoy to be alone atm and try to avoid other social interactions because they feel exhausting.
I can't believe how perfectly this describe my situation and didn't realise what I thought was my strength has been holding me back. I am really grateful that I found this video. Thank you.
People who can't make friends:🤝 People who are asocial: 🤝
Humans are social.
@@damasco3475 not all of them unfortunately
@@damasco3475 You are right in a general sense, but not always in a specific sense, there are those that lack social skills or have antisocial psychological conditions. ie: sociopaths
@@damasco3475 jokes on you Im a human
Man, this video hit hard. I was a 'smart kid,' but I never actually cared about interacting with people. I was always alone and never lonely. The effort problem is really horrible now, because I'm around people that know the same stuff as me, and I never put any effort into doing more than what is expected of me. So I never get really good at anything, because I'm already alright at a lot of things without even trying. All my investment has been put toward things I was already good at, which I learned as a child effortlessly (like learning English, grammar, and writing from just reading hundreds of books as a kid). I totally get the defensive arrogance too, because I'm constantly proving that I know stuff, and I've argued extensively on the internet and always just end up being embarrassed. I'm pretty cocky, but when I get something wrong, I immediately feel like an idiot and have to prove that I knew that I got it wrong, and why I got it wrong. Everything else just hurts my brain. All of this I have felt, and my entire identity is formed around understanding myself completely based on logical rules and regulation. I knew I thought all this stuff, but I never considered it might be the actual thing that is detrimental to me.
I've found myself in this exact same situation for pretty much as long as I can remember. It's gotten to the point where i've transcended from defensive arrogance to straight up narcissism, and a total inability to feel any emotions resembling empathy or remorse. I'm trying my best to get some mental clarity, and I realize that all of the qualities that i took so much pride in, which i used to justify my shortcomings are actually hurting me more than anything else, but at this point it might just be too late to do anything about it. I've come to accept who I am, and get my way around things to the best of my ability. The cognative load of socializing, and pretending you like people who in reality you think are blithering idiots has eased off over time, and I find that the more i pretend, the better I become at both of these things. I wish things were different for me, and I know this isn't ideal, but addressing a difficult upbringing, years of social isoltion, and a fair bit of abuse from a young age isn't easy. I'd be lying if I said that I wish you luck to come out on top of things, however you seem like a clever guy, so I trust that you will push forward. I'm just glad I'm not the only person with this problem, it makes me feel like I'm not on my own.
90% of the things you said touched me . thanks dr. k
You just created a new diagnosis for millions of kids and adults like me, I atrophied my funny bone and social skills, I sabotaged my empathy and love, I have a female friend but that's because she's similar to me so can connect on that, but I find myself having no interest in learning how to socialize with different types of people. This doesn't make me sad, but it does uncover a blind spot, I need to start analyzing whether I think exposing myself to socializing is important to me. Thanks for the video.
You're so lucky to have her. Don't you dare let that friendship go to waste. I wished for that yesterday, to know a girl my age suffering the same situation as me. You got to marry her bro
@@shadowyi3264 I'll fight for her I promise. Thank you so much and I wish you the best. You can really find what you're looking for, but I can tell you from experience, that I went and you will have to go through hell to get it, but dam right is worth it. Best of lucks
I get what you're saying. When I was a kid, they told me I was math learning disabled. My mom said she didn't care and I was just going to get a tutor and work harder and still do what all the other kids did. I worked ENDLESSLY every year. My God, I still have memories of flash cards, math books, tests, tutors, etc. I was ALWAYS working on math. So eventually I went on to get an MBA. I did EVERY SINGLE PROBLEM in every single workbook and even pushed the professors to give me extra problems. I am so used to working super hard now that it feels like the norm and I was the top of the class, but the whole time I felt like I really had to close the gap between me and the other more naturally talented kids. One thing I find to this day is that I never assume I will do well. I never adopt an attitude of laziness or arrogance. I assume I will have to work twice as hard as everyone else. I know I can do it with intensive practice and collaboration with my professors or colleagues now at work. Nothing has ever felt effortless for me.
Similar situation here. I was always a bit behind average in every subject since primary school, but i worked really hard. Now i am in 11th grade and i think my grades and ability is somewhere around top 15% in a pretty competitive high school internationally. I often wonder should i slow down and enjoy life more now that i am not "behind" and the constant strive for excellence is undeniably draining.
I'm one of those “effortless” people, and I can tell you we cannot express how grateful we are for your work. Some of my friends also works incredibly hard to stay on top of things and while some theory seem to come naturally to me, I depend an awful lot on them to actually use that knowledge in any way or really just to do anything. Don't undervalue yourself as someone that puts in effort will ALWAYS be worth more than someone that does nothing but can _in theory_ do things effortlessly.
I'm speechless.. years of trying to understand what's wrong with me and this just clarifies everything. In my experience being gifted not only brought effortless success but inevitable success and once I failed for the first time I couldn't process it.
Wow! That's _so_ insightful. Thanks! I needed psychoterapy to dig out from this hole.
That's true, even recently I stopped doing one project "because I didn't have time", while in reality I just didn't learn some parts of the material... Thanks for the video, gonna try to change!)
The part about "not giving it your all" really hit home. I always have told myself I failed a certain task because I didn't commit to it... even though deep down I know tried really damn hard.
I'm in the same boat. Mix it with procrastination and we have a poison.
Another dimension of this is when you are emotionally neglected or abused at home but you're a smart kid, teachers at school give you the loving attention you need because you're a smart kid. If you're raised by parents with conditional love, love that they only show when you're not disappointing them by getting a B in school or something, the same thing applies. You learn you need to be perfect (perfectionism) in order to be loved or to prevent the pain of rejection and shame of failure. Your identity as smart is tied to your ability to be appreciated as a human being at all.
what if i am both at the same time😢
...Can't relate. Could never "love" an abuser or "parents" who neglect. Both are willful. I have always hated both, since childhood (primary school +). No matter how high or low, rich or poor someone is... you will always have "haters" (especially with 'narcissits'/NPD, and then [narcissistic] borderline/BPD).
@Cross_00 what part can't you relate to? Your grammar is a little off throughout this entire message and I'm not sure what your ultimate point is. I didn't feel love for my abusive mother or feel loved by her ever but by teachers I was basically loved was my original point.
This 100%
This video really helped me reflect on myself and my actions. Greatly appreciate it, and intend on using this information to better improve myself and my quality of life
Very vital, I realized this on my own about a few months ago. This video helped me gain more confidence in my judgment, thank you!
I think I dodged a bullet on this one, despite being gifted (in the autistic sense). What I heard a lot as a kid was "you're really smart, and if you apply yourself, you can be brilliant!" My dad and I are naturally competitive people, and we competed with each other when it came to skills, knowledge, and trivia, and we still do. That desire to outcompete people drove me to put effort in, because growing up around motorsports taught me very early on that you can be born great, but you'll never be at the top if you don't apply yourself a hundred percent to what you want to compete in. Coming up against something new and challenging didn't put me off. If anything, it made me focus on strengthening that weakness, because the more you work to turn a weakness into a strength, the stronger you are overall. That paid off this past weekend when I beat my dad at something he has decades of experience with, and I have less than a decade of experience with. And what made it feel like an achievement was that it was the culmination of sustained effort over many years, and of specific effort that day. I'm not the best at everything, and I know it's an unrealistic goal to try to be, but what I can be is my best at something. If I can say after failing, that it wasn't for lack of effort, then that failure is a victory, because I kept going in the face of adversity, and I just plain got beaten by someone who was better at it. The analysis that follows those events helps me pinpoint what area I need to work on next to improve myself.
Thank you, I needed to hear that, to be reminded of that.
this was me but both competitiveness and super smart girls.
I had a similar experience, but my dad was less competitive. He always emphasized results come from effort, though. The smarts just help (mainly for post-analysis so you don't make the same mistakes multiple times)
As cringe as it is for someone to claim they are high IQ, this video described my situation perfectly. Smart in school, cognitive empathy, arrogance to defend my ego, I was overweight as well. If something didn't come easy, I immediately dropped it. My mid 20s were hell, psychologically speaking. Can't say I was depressed, but I definitely was running into walls constantly. Thankfully, things started to change when I accepted that I'm not better. I accepted that effort is required, and I may have intelligence, but I have no wisdom, neither happiness, nor contentment. At 28 I had to swallow my ego, failed attempts at business, and accept that the path to fulfillment for me is to go back and tackle the things I gave up. In my case, it was programming. On the 10 year anniversary of our graduation class, I had to admit to everyone already far in their careers that I'm just starting mine. Honestly, it is liberating to admit that you don't have to be ahead in anything. You can be a screw up. You can be a failure. You can be behind your peers in everything. The good thing is that generally most people are complacent. In 6 months you can be further ahead than people spending 4 years in school. But if your goal is to compete with them, you will likely fail. My goal was to finally be able to beat a challenge. Yeah, I do get envious from time to time. I do get sad, and down. But I don't beat myself over it. "It's fine to not be fine" is my philosophy in that regard.
So you haven't solved all your problems yet. Not saying you didn't do a good job but there's more to it than that.
@@vivvpprof Who said I have?
@@atanas-nikolovhonestly i think you're doing just fine. I seriously can't believe you did face your graduation class like that. I'd never have the courage. I'm around 20 too and all of it just seems so *exhausting* , if you know what i mean.
Your post reads like my life story.
8:16 this sentence and the rest of it was like a life-changing moment, now I realize how i feel about others is not the fault of my "introversion". The reason why i feel so drained and exhausted after interactions with people is because i constantly act a certain way that i think will make them accept me or like talking to me more, but its because how im not actively trying to enjoy the moment with others and im actually trying to entertain them. This has made me push others out of my life and ghost friends, family, because of how exhausting it is to be around anybody.
Wow. After listening to hundreds of hours of psychology videos and audios, and going to therapy this is the first time that someone describes my main issue after all these years. Poor social skills, bullied and labeled a smart kid until being smart without hard-work didn’t cut it anymore. I flew passed most classes effortlessly until hitting a wall in college where putting time in solving problems was a must and at the same time dealing with a brake up. Losing complete faith in my availability of being smart after a break up was probably for the better. I could have been so much worse. Thank you Dr. K. Finally putting a finger to my core issue is gonna bring some peace to years of searching to understand why was I not better off when I had so many opportunities.