Seven ways narcissists make victims look like the villain
Many victims of narcissistic abuse are often left wondering why no one believes what they've been through. Some even question themselves if they were indeed the problem. Through blame shifting, gaslighting and projection many narcissistic people try to convince their victims and others into believing they were innocent the whole time, they are actually the victim.
In this video Darren Magee outlines seven common behaviours and phrases narcissists use to grind down their victims self confidence, self esteem, reputation and character. Wear down their resolve and question their own reality by twisting and exaggerating situations, and blaming their victim by focusing on their reactions as the problem, rather than what they have done to provoke the reaction.
Other videos on the topic you might find interesting:
Recognising the stages of Gaslighting, common phrases
• Recognising Gaslightin...
Reactive Abuse, the Abused Abuser
• Reactive Abuse - The ‘...
How Covert Narcissists Manipulate
• How Covert Narcissists...
How Narcissists Bully Others
• How Narcissists Threat...
Please feel free to suggest any mental health topics you might want me to cover in future videos.
If you find this video interesting please consider supporting me on Patreon
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The worst thing really is that while you are being abused, you are painted as the abuser by the abuser and by people outside who believe the abuser. This can drive one mad.
They're the ultimate victims and martyrs.
Yes
It ruins ur life
Yes :(
That’s what makes people act insane w o realizing it and commit unaliving
My gosh, 30 yrs of this with my wife, who btw is extremely intelligent, engaging, and high-functioning. No one would ever believe me. Just trying to hang on for my kids. My youngest just turned 18 and I'm 60 now, and there's almost nothing left of me. I'm like a stick that has been slowly whittled away to little more than a toothpick. Depression, anxiety, stress, and then my wife files for divorce, takes almost 300k without me knowing it and tells my kids and her friends that she can't live with a lifeless person like me. I went from starting and operating two businesses that grossed 4 million dollars a yr to almost broke and broken. But...I have seen the light and I WILL get healthy again, mind, body, soul, spirit and hopefully financially again as well. Thank you so, so very much for your content.
You got this ❤️❤️❤️ the best revenge is being happy, not that being vengeful is a good thing, but you cannot let her drag you down!! The world needs good people ❤️🌞❤️
P.s one thing that really helped me reconnect with myself was a good self care routine. Enjoying long baths, tending to body parts that ache or need extra tlc, treating yourself to a nice bath oil made with natural ingredients for a simple but luxurious at home treatment. It's the little things ❤️
Learn everything you can about personality disorders, just so it doesn't happen again. I did it twice. Now I'm working on my codependency and my fear of being alone. I would never live through a third one.
@@anima6035 ❤️
Brother you are free from that evil criminal of a partner. You can be so proud you've raised your kids and she can't take that away from you.
It really becomes senseless to argue or point things out when you've discovered you're dealing with a narcissist. Save yourself the burden, frustration and effort. Once you know, disconnect, leave.
“Bees don’t waste time explaining to flies why honey tastes better than shit.” That phrase helped me realize why arguing with or pointing things out to a narc is useless
There is nowhere in the world you can walk to to escape narcissists.
After 5 years married to a narcissist, I can honestly say your comment is some of the best advice I wish I would have had and taken when I first figured it out.
@@TheBasicPicker how or when did you decide to leave? Was there a final straw? I’ve been grappling with should I or when should I call it quits. There’s moments where it’s ok, but they’ve become more often few and far in between. I’ve been married for 3 years and things have been very difficult with my husband who has narcissistic tendencies.
@@Julsleewall I wish I had the answer for you. For me, that final straw was this July, after many times of forgiving and giving chances that shouldn't have been given. Chances are, if your husband is a narcissist, you are addicted. So you almost literally have to "quit" him and go through withdrawals, the same as you would a drug or any other addiction. So no one can tell you if or when to leave. You need to do that if or when YOU are ready, otherwise you'll keep going back...just for the cycle to continue. I can tell you 2 things for sure: 1) you do not need to stay in an abusive situation, 2) you will be in my prayers. My heart breaks for you. I know how much it hurts. I really wish I could take away your pain and confusion. I'll say this one last thing. When I look back, I can identify probably every time I "should have left" and never looked back. But, after being through it and learning what I have, I'm not sure the never looking back part would have been possible because I needed to get to MY final straw. Everyone's is different. I believe you'll know when yours comes. Maybe it already has and you now know it. Take care. Be safe.
"They never want to discuss what triggered you. _Just how you reacted."_
"It's like they're sucking all the joy out of life." I couldn't have said it better!
My mother! 😡
I refuse to let this ugly monster steal my joy. I laugh at the demons they are so insecure, jealous, weak. They have no life that's why they are trying to bother me. Her day is coming I'm sure of that. Evil monsters walk amongst us..lol
That is what he told me. That I suck the joy out of his life. That he used to be so happy and content before me. Now it’s like he’s running through mud.
This is their main aim in life. They want to destroy every happy feeling you have. They want to spilt you from everyone so they can abuse you further in complete isolation. Vile.
For those that are pressed for time: 1. Asking for a second chance multiple times." I am trying very hard to make this work and you keep bringing up the past." Asking for the same thing over and over again to wear you down. 2. Constant negativity. and pessimism. Every idea, solution or positive situation will have a problem an objection etc. They nit-pic everything and everyone. Pessimism is kept especially for the partner, not for others outside the home. 3. Disagreeable. Nay- saying, foot dragging, demanding hero worship for compliance. Constant rejection, criticism and refusal of ideas, plans etc. 4. Broken, ignored or forgotten promises. 5. Toxic amnesia. They don't remember faults of their own, but highlight their partner's mistakes. 6. Constant sabotage and devaluation. 7. Reactive abuse. Any assertiveness, objection, anger or outrage on the part of the mistreated partner is labelled as selfish, hurtful and aggressive; sometimes leading to a partner's fearfulness of any act or reaction lest they be cast as the abuser. These behaviors occur in a consistent patterns and are at odds with the narcs public persona. The victim, constantly provoked by the narc, is left bewildered; wondering why no one believes them. This was an excellent video. Thank you Darren!
And thank you for the list Dale 👍🌼🍀
Highlights version. Just leave them and walk away.
@@johnrauner2515 best to "GOSO" as H.G.Tudour - "the Ultra " , would say - Get Out - Stay Out ! Go complete no contact - not easy to start with but easier as time passes .
Thank you!
I rarely lost it with my narc. But narcissists tend to poke, poke, poke, poke and poke to no end until the victim snaps. And guess what? Surprise surprise... they're getting narcissistic supply/fuel from our emotional reactions.
Ironically, the one thing empathetic people can't empathise with is a complete and total sense of entitlement. You're never going be able to give enough and it's always going to be your fault. As uncomfortable as it feels, it's best to get tough as early as possible.
I always wondered why my loving, gentle father didn’t stand up to my mother. I remember my mother making a point of how my father became angry at her and swore at her once. I think this happened before I was born because I did not witness this. My mother would make a point about how terrible that one incident was and she would not put up with behavior like that. However, my mother berated my kind father constantly and also her scapegoats which I was one. My father did not want to be abusive because he was a good person. I know this treatment shortened his life. He passed away when he was 68 and my mother lived to the age of 94.
It’s best to get out as early as possible
Some codependents worsen the situation by calling people-pleasing, weak and gullible people as "empaths". This is "slave mentality" thinking : as if being an empath was a virtue.
@@1mourningdove54 Of course, you're right - but, for many people, the practicalities of this can be very difficult, sometimes even impossible, and they have to find a way of protecting themselves within the situation.
@@1mourningdove54 That's wonderful, Susan. I had no practical excuse not to get out of two separate toxic situations in which I was involved, but I was nothing like as gutsy and clear-eyed as you, and stuck around far longer than I should have - and paid a corresponding price. I eventually found my bearings and decisively extricated myself, and I'm now gradually piecing myself back together. I'm glad to hear how well things are working for you. 🙂
It's terrible how much injustice these people bring.
How do we get justice???
@@ImreadyforJesus, it's a hard question. Probably we won't, unless we make it ourselves, but then we'll mark ourselves as outcasts, as society doesn't seem to like either justice or the ones who take it into their own hands - vigilantes.
Just take the so-called "L" and walk away. Not dealing with trash like this anymore is EVERYTHING
The worst thing for me has been not being believed by my family, because the covert narcissist in my life comes across as being so placid and long-suffering, while I just look like an emotional wreck. Having what has happened to me described so accurately in your videos gives me back some of the affirmation and self-belief I have lost over so many years of abuse and confusion, and the tools I need to break free and begin to heal. Thank you.
You’re in good company. ❤️🌷🌷❤️ Apparently narcs are Everywhere! 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱They’ve ruined my peace of mind, and much more for MANY years. I let them Get away with it. I fell into their traps and stayed there like a good submissive dog, until recently. I hope u can escape at some point. Much love. 💙🦋💙 Trust only the tried & true friend, most ppl will invalidate U.
This happened to me too. When he left, I was the evil one, not the victim. Emotionally, I was a wreck (my father had just recently passed and he left after the funeral), but my mum and sister all thought it was my fault. They didn't believe me when I started to realise what was going on. But, they are finally seeing it now thank goodness. Stay strong 🙏
Yes mine made me out to be the baddie. He dumped me 4 days after my mother's funeral saying he couldn't cope with my drinking. Even though I was only drinking in moderation. My Father still thinks he's wonderful despite the fact I tried to tell him the truth. I still feel angry but grateful that he is out of my life. I hope you find the courage to leave him. God 🙌
It's good to hold each other in our good wishes for a better future, and an end to the confusion and rumination that keeps up trapped in the past. Love to all ❤
This. Thank you. Society seems to have only Sympathie for the ones who still "Look good". As the total wreck you're ignored even If it is so obvious your going trought something really horrible. Even my own family was kind of annoyed by me just being a ghost. While he talked for hours to them about his problems and got so much recogniton for it. And when I ended things they thought I was selfish for letting someone down, who is in so much trouble. My own Patents (none narcissistic) we're more worried about his than my health.
I've been divorced over a decade and I've watched hundreds of videos about narcissism over the years. I think this is the first time I've heard someone voice this clearly what I experienced in my marriage, that I married two different people in one person--the one I knew in public (charming, witty, caring) and the one I knew at home (contemptuous, degrading, and cruel.
Narc's are imposters. You literally married an imposter. A fraud.
Jekyll and Hyde
You are not alone. I can totally relate. A narcissist is a great professional actor, worthy of Oscars.
@D Mac, as my grandmother used to call them: "House devils//street angels"
At home it seems like they are just basking in misery and well misery loves company so they are miserable to you and make you feel miserable and also have you wondering if you did something for the misery your partner is feeling. If my partner does this now I just let her sit in misery and if I get it thrown at me I just let it bounce off into a black hole and tell myself, I don't want to feel miserable and a person is not going to make me feel that way.
Toxic memory… twisting their own lies to suit the moment.
It is like mental gymnastics and I don't recall ever signing up to participate.
All narcs rewrite history to suit their own selfish agenda. Same goes for the 500 globlaist billionaires controlling the governments of the world, along with the mainstream media, schools, corporations, etc. Now you know why America is circling the toilet.....
Yes they change the entire story around and people who once supported you will then believe them and tell you to go get therapy?? I had to remove myself completely from the entire community because none of them said anything helpful and often were abusing me by proxy
Narcissist people are delusional and live in a make believe world. The one I was entangled with would literally ask: "why are you attacking me?!" when I would point out bold faced lies despite of me having facts. Sadistic and manipulative is all they are! Run for the hills and focus on healing!🏃🏾♀️💨
one narcissist called me delusional - said that everyone else thought I was delusional. Its terrifying to hear them speak this way. They are demons.
I was accused of being the abuser...then I installed cameras and started taking photos, saving receipts, putting trackers on my stuff while I learned to watch patterns and cycles, and sidestep her traps. My mom is now backed into a corner as a result of her behavior. She has been exposed and there's nothing she can do about it because she's in such poor health. She's going into long term care. I'm done with the drama.
I have been taping and writing everything down and recording her because she always denies everything the horrible things she does to me I can't believe but I gave her all my money!!
I'm glad she's going to a facility. The staff will deal with her. I dealt with this from a neighbor who spread rumors about me and people seemed eager to believe. I wish the cameras were so easy to get and install as they are now. I had vandalism. I sold the house.
@@edithcasines9550 I'm almost 50 and starting over because of the damage from my mom. All is not lost. If you are healing you're doing great. One foot in front of the other, one step at a time.
@@knit1purl1 Sounds like you did the best you could with what you had to work with. Good on you!
Trying to expose the narcicisst can be dangerous, if you succeed and corner them you don't really know what they're capable of in their wrath
You just described the last 40 years of my life. When it comes to counselors, the majority of them can't recognize this disorder, because as you said, they have a public and a private persona. They are con artists. If counselors are not trained and super focused on recognizing the symptoms, they often do more harm than good. I'm speaking from personal experience.
Very good point
@@johnm3544 Same thing if you have a co worker like this what is recommended is you describe their behavior, document it when it happens and leave the term narcissist out of it. Also a counselor could've never had the experience of a narcissist so they don't understand it or could be one themself.
@@johnm3544 That's exactly how the counselor reacted--accusing me of being the narcissist for complaining about being repeatedly cheated on...
@@johnm3544 A lot of "therapists" (The-Rapists) are narcissists themselves. Think about it. What better way for them to get the most delicious supply from already bleeding victims? It's like a shark feeding frenzy for these predators and they get paid to feed and hide behind their favorite veil called plausible deniability...😃😁
So so true. It leaves me feeling so helpless and even more angry
You just described my life perfectly. I finally ran away after 39 years of marriage, but he's the victim of the crazy, selfish wife.
Of course! 💔
30 years. WALKED with nothing but clothes on my back. Interestingly enough, HE moved into MY HOME that was halfway paid for, contributed nothing, and managed to kick it out from under me. That was within a year. At the end, everything is ever owned went into storage, so I never saw any of it again. Still, poor him! Drugs, hookers, gambling, lying, stealing…. Never ending BS. To finally get thinks we’re should live on the streets… Uhhh no. Thank you. All I heard was how it was MY CHOICE to leave, remember that. My choice. Yeah at 60, just the “choice” I worked my whole life to make!
@@WhiteWolfBlackStar 😢 Isn’t sad how the confusion keeps us more easily conned.. You paid for the house but he got it… Too bad you didn’t change the locks and leave his stuff in a storage unit, first.. We need to learn to fight too but wiser..
41 years for me and I've been waiting for the last 6 months for a place to open up so I can move.
@@grammyspa-jammies1737 Yep! Me too 😨 40 years here, and separated..
This is such an accurate rundown of how it feels to be in a situationship with one of these people; it’s all done when the front door is closed and the world can’t see, and nobody believes you because this person presents themselves as kind, helpful, funny and attractive. They even convince counsellors, doctors, neighbours, family that you are the villain and that they are a victim. You will never be able to love them out of it. Never.
My mother's only friend looks at me with utter bewilderment. You can see her wondering what kind of a monster I am. She's told me how much she loves my mother. She's obviously been told that I'm uncaring, don't spend 'enough' time, don't take mother all over the place. The more I give to mother, the more she wants and at age 66 (me, not her) I've finally put my foot down and have started to say no. If her friend thinks I'm hateful... Well, finally I don't care. She's wrong.
Situationship - perfect!
One thing my mother always told me was you never see behind closed doors. I think I just fully understand the message/ point of her saying.
I propose we can still love them, just keep distance. Keep them in your heart if you can.
Yes! I love how you call it a ‘situationship’- that is exactly what it is. They are so ridiculously phony it’s almost comical.
It’s the indirect no’s which kill. It took me 40 years to realize both my parents were telling me systematically no to every possible idea or suggestion, no matter how normal. Some people never realize because their tone is so deceptive, they make it sound as if they are concerned for you when basically shutting down every thing you say without exception.
For decades, I thought my family members didn't believe me because the person was so good a hiding their behavior, and I wasn't explaining myself well enough. Nope, not the case at all. They all knew. They just wanted me to stay silent so they could stay comfortable. I finally realized that after I removed myself from the equation and they began to receive the abuse usually reserved for me. They actually had the nerve to seek sympathy from me. Anyone that willingly aligns with a narcissist against their victim is either just like the narcissist, benefiting from the relationship in some way, or both. Either way, I don't differentiate between them, and they're all dead to me now.
very very true. Around the narcissist is a whole community power structure hierarchy that *protects* them from any just recourse.
I've also noticed in this day and age that if you even say narcissist to anyone, including therapist I've had, they automatically think you're crazy or roll their eyes. The word has been abused and labeled to anyone having 1 or 2 bad traits. This would be called narcissistic traits or just a toxic person. So now us survivors of abuse have to fight even harder to get out and/or heal. Everyone says to have a social circle of friends but if you're going to be labeled as dramatic or crazy or even have to stifle your truth, I'd rather be alone.
I know what you mean, I’m worried about bringing up things like that to my therapist because I see how over used the word narcissist it and I used to misuse it until I did more research. You’re not alone, just remember you know your truth and there will be opportunity’s for others to help too. I hope you have a blessed day and are able to continue healing.
I concur 👌
Yes! I'm trying to not use that word when I try to explain it to people because I think it will derail their understanding. That word is definitely overused. I just say my family has mental health issues that involve certain pattern of behaviors. It's so crazy though, because if it took me a lifetime to figure it out and I live with these people how can I expect others to get it? We literally live in a Twilight Zone!
Also, when you have CPTSD, like most of us survivors have, it's not that easy to build a circle of trustees. Being alone is not so bad - I'm actually starting to like myself a lot.
Right… of all the therapists I’ve seen over the past 45 years, no one ever used the word narcissist. If they had I could’ve done my homework and gotten the hell out much sooner !!!
This was such a great description! Also narcissists do favors and public acts of good to lend to their credibility. My ex wouldn't give me a ride to a Dr appointment ( I had a torn ligament in my right ankle) but was spearheading a GoFundMe for a sick coworker.
Same here... she took a friend by car to go visit another friend but when I had an operation she told me to walk it to the hospital!
Yeah they love that public persona of doing good and let as many people know about it as possible.
I was desperately suffering from post partum depression and my mother would spend hours talking to me about her friend who had an eating disorder. 😑 I didn’t even exist, but this friend was taking up every spare second of my moms time even when she was sitting in my living room and I was telling her I was suffering. She didn’t even blink at my troubles, but was bent over backwards and over involving herself and wanting me to be a witness all the ways her friend needed her… I feel ya! I went no contact a year ago now. It’s tough sometimes to be that way, but I’m doing my best to hold strong and not give into the lie that I’m hurting her.
Disgusting and true. So sorry.
@@sophieunusual it must be hard to decipher what’s going on in those situations, but the objective truth is she needed to be there for her daughter… not her suffering daughter be there for her for her friend. This is tough stuff… You always want to make sure you’re not being selfish and then you know somewhere inside you’re absolutely not and that little voice inside is the last breathingmpartnofnyiu you must listen to, but still you want to make sure you may not be doing the same thing they’re doing Like maybe they’re suffering… and blah blah blah Help 🙏
The only way to free yourself from narcassistic is to go completely SILENT 🙏
I feel its better to resist and fight for freedom World wide.
By go, I hope you mean leave and go "NO CONTACT " because until you do that you'll die in a hopeless situation. It's the only thing that worked for me. No contact and a divorce after eleven years.😒
Recently I have been remembering the gentle psychopathic smiles of all the narcissists I’ve had in my life. It’s the smiles that have stayed with me, long after I’ve walked away and now I can spot them a mile off!
Iv witnessed the same. Its gut wrenching and a big “wtf” moment
Dupers delight? Stay strong loves ❤️
the smile is only their mouth, its not in their eyes.
@@willywokeup9112 Yes, the cold eyes unsmiling, the feeling so menacing.
That smirk only a Narc can make
My narc frequently/almost always was trying to convince her associates that she was so innocent, and I was such an evil person. 2. In the last year before I divorced her, in an argument I did something which one normally should not do, I brought up something from the past. She immediately screamed 'You're supposed to forget about that. You're supposed to forgive and forget'. I said 'If you want to be forgiven for something you have to stop doing it'.
Yo I had that same experience
Pleased you are free now. Best wishes to you.
Excellent point!!
@@johnm3544 True but her most consistent thing was lying, about anything anytime, anywhere, to anyone. If she thought it would help her in the moment.
its double standards, as they play the victim from their "horrible " past, you have to forget all horrible things done to you by them.
Thank you I’ve dealt with this for 27 years, is so comforting when someone actually understands
Same, same number of years too, stay strong, many youtubers out there doing vids about narcissism and how to deal with them and/or keep your sanity until changes in the situation can happen. God Bless you.
They will NEVER CHANGE stop making excuses as to why your still with them ?
Run, that's the best advice for anyone dealing with that sort of crap. They only get worse and do so much damage it isn't funny.
This literally describes my last fight with my mom when i refused to backdown or be silenced, was acused of abusing her, acused of being happy if she was dead, and i walked away for the second time in my life - no contact, and no hope cuz it's finally sunk in that it will NEVER be different
You're right, it will never be different. I've stayed in the life of mine. She's 87 and still going strong. I hope you can recover from the pain yours has caused you and start to relish your freedom ❤️
We'll all get through it together 💜 thank you
yep:(
We must've had the same Mother. It is insane how it gets turned around. Truly insane.
sometimes its best that way im the same with my mum.
WOWWWW! When you said the narc may say, “Well, why didn’t you just ask…” etc, I literally cried out! I honestly can’t count how many times I’ve heard this after giving up and finally just doing something myself. Wow!
A narcissist makes themselves unapproachable on purpose so that they don't have to do anything for you. Then, they flip it on you by making it seems it is your fault for not asking after constantly being told NO over and over for every single thing.
Me: Why didn’t you tell me?! Ex: You didn’t ask.
@@nickieglazer7065 Me: explaining, explaining in other words, doing some more explaining, using new examples to explain Friend: Just tell me what to do
For me, the toughest part has been trying to find words that adequately describe what I went through. Because telling one or two stories about my mother makes it sound like I'm whining about nothing. Also, thinking about it often makes me confused and draw a blank. I hate that I can't verbalize it in a way that makes sense to other people, or even myself. :
It's impossible to explain to someone who has not gone through it themselves. I stopped trying because it just made me look like the crazy one. It is very difficult to really understand a narcs mind. I think its best to go as far as you can just to kniw what you are dealing with -- then run! Cut them if you can and dont look back. You dont need to figure it ALL out...please take care of yourself.
@@1ACL Thanks for the nice note.
@@wingedone6512 Same here. Last time I spoke to covert narc "mother" was in March of 2014. She had my husk of an enabling father following her around like a lost, unwanted puppy dog. I went no contact with the entire family cult system around July of that same year and 9 months later, my husk of a dad was dead. And narcs using that as an excuse to hoover me back to the funeral. I'm sure my "mother" killed him on off to get the Scapegoat to come back. These people are beyond wicked.
@@reesedaniel5835 Wow, that's really sad. I'm sorry that happened. Glad you've broken away and can live your own life.
nauseating fatigue caused by wr@#£ slashingly boring conversations about stupidities. ...?
This is the reason that walking away from the narcissist is the only solution to get this behavior out of our lives. I had to myself. Best thing I ever did..
Me too. It took a couple of years to work through the devastation and assault (legal, "family," emotional, financial) of the aftermath, but Absolutely No Contact and legal support and the best brothers and friends anyone could have got me through and now I have peace and a good life. I thank God every morning that I will live out my life free from this nightmare.
@@karenk2409 excellent news! It’s a no win situation with these behaviors plus I’m not willing to enable it in any relationship anymore. Covert narcissists are the most challenging, they are sneaky versus blatant bullies. Unfortunately Flying Monkeys get involved which can lead to no or little contact with others, too. Speaking from personal experience, to be sure. Your reply was lovely to find, thank you!
My Mother in law. 35 years of controlling, gossiping, back stabbing and gaslighting. It's been the last few days that I have come to the decision that I have to separate from her permanently. For peace in my life.
This is exactly what my 18-year-old son is like. So hurtful. Checks every single box. I am exhausted and burned out, nobody wants to hear it when it's your child.
His brain is still forming. It’s dangerous to diagnose when they’re teenagers; his body isn’t fully grown neither is his brain.
Don't cater to it. If he's in the room...you leave. Close doors. Hopefully by now you've used the words 'personality disorder'. He needs to hear it. Your his Mum. They know they don't feel right inside. Maybe the words will resonate someday. Read up on Borderline Personality Disorders and the various Cluster Personality types. All the one's I know...I see the BPD and other co-morbities. We're not Doctors but we live in it firsthand. Gather the knowledge and the right resources. Good luck. It's so awful, I'm sorry.
@@sandstonemeteorologi that is not a particularly helpful comment.
@@camellia8625 Why? It's the truth. Why not understand how it developed. My sister created a completely full of herself daughter by putting her on a pedestal and being married to a cerebral narcissist. That's what happened. My brother was one, my ex wife was one that was their development to dysfunction just like my codependency is my adaptation to the dysfunction I grew up in. It's good to understand it and own it that way we can do differently. You can't change it if you don't acknowledge it.
Sending you love mama💗
My mother fits every behavior you pointed out. I have a rare, very severe nerve disorder.. my mom had been off her mental health meds for a few weeks... Then July 11th 2022 my mom came outside, after already screaming at me for hours, and picked another fight. I tried to keep her distance, but she full on charged me, grabbed, twisted and wrenched around my Injured arm, as well as my hair (which is very long) and was wrenching my neck all around... I was able to wrestle my arm away and threw a punch to get her off me, ran to the front door and she attacked me again on the porch... Then called the cops and had ME arrested! I'll be 37 the end of this month and had never been arrested.. Terrified about jail, feel traumatized after it . Now I've had to hire a lawyer and fight the domestic violence charges against me... I have been in therapy for about 4 years, on several occasions have called the emergency hotline for the center and all my mom's abuse is in those notes... As well as hundreds of screenshots of talking to my friends and siblings about her abuse... I am crossing fingers, toes, eyes, everything I can, praying I can get these charges dropped. I'm just at a loss for what has been happening and scared of what is to come... I haven't been able to go home since July 11th, I'm displaced from home and my animals, basically living out my car, staying with different siblings every few days.. And my nerve disease is so flared, everything touching my body hurts. Can y'all send a little prayer, that I make it thru this okay, can find stability and low pain days? Thanks y'all
Anytime you go to visit Mom .. prepare your Cell phone Video to ON. It will save your life and time. Don't tell her either, unless you want her to pretend her 'act'.🙏
@@direstraights there is currently a restraining order and no contact order against me. We lived together and I haven't been able to step foot back since July 11th. Trial court is scheduled September 6th, 2022.
It's awful to have come to this. She's ill, and in more ways than you probably know. My uneducated impression is, she's dangerous. My prayer is for you to get out safely with your pets and find a place to be to catch your breath and escape pain. You need an advocate, someone who got your back. Best of luck and ease and blessings. Amen.
Please make sure your lawyer knows about domestic abuse and narcissistic behaviour, do you have a women's shelter nearby that one of their ladies could accompany you to court and educate your lawyer too
@@Indyghurl I trust my lawyer. They just handled a bankruptcy case for me without issues. With all the evidence I've been able to get to them, with therapy notes, screenshots, etc, they believe I've got a strong case for myself. I just can't afford to take on fees.. every few days,I have to go stay with another sibling and am currently rotating between 3 different places to stay. All my stuff is at my mom's house, and I'm worried about my animals I can't take with me. But I can't do anything about any of my belongings there, until after court. (Other than what few things I can fit in my car that my brother was able to get me)
I keep saying ‘ the more I complain the more I sound like the guilty party’. No contact seems to be the only way forward.
You forgot the most important …. They play the victim to others in order to make you the villain. This is a classic deflection technique. One can’t be a victim and a villain at the same time and vice versa.
Because they lay the groundwork throughout the relationship to make the victim look unstable, and untrustworthy. After the relationship ends, they take kernels of truth and weave insidious and heartbreaking lies. I know, it happened to me.
As the normal I was portrayed as the villain in the relationship due to the fact that from the beginning of our marriage my narc husband was already smearing my name behind my back to his children, family and friends and planting the seeds gearing up for the all time final smear campaign...I have remained silent all these years because sooner or later the real narcissist ex husband will rear its ugly head and everyone will know just who the abuser was in the relationship....no one believes us victims because most people only get the side of the narcissist with its mask on (the side we see in the love bombing stage) and they think the narc is the best thing since sliced bread. Its only us victims who see the mask off and are aware of what lies beneath..the narc plays us and sets up situations so that we and our reactions look bad in front of people which cements that we are the bad nasty people narcs portray us to be, however people don't see that behind closed doors we are getting abused on a deep psychological level...
I don't know about that..my ex husband who cheated & fiercely accused abused & gaslighted is still to this day worshipped by his daughters..he is deceased & i just got called a professional victim because i said to one of the girls that i have interior struggles & therefore on father's day i may not be able to help them with their grief. That is apparently unforgivable....ouch
This is spot on. And this is what Jesus Christ was talking about when He said "turn the other cheek".....most people think He meant if someone physically assualts you, let them keep doing it. But no there is a much deeper meaning here and it's to not give them the REACTION they are wanting (so that they can twist it against you).
Toxic amnesia reminds me of a shirt I used to wear back in college that I got from Walmart years ago: "If I Don't Remember, It Didn't Happen."
You just described my mother.. one face for everyone else.. another for me.. no one would even believe how she behaves towards me.. everyone thinks she's the nicest person on earth.. and she is to them.. sigh 😔
Thank you for this, Darren. I always cringe inwardly when outsiders say "Oh, they are such a sweetheart!" about the narcissists in my life.
One thing I noticed is that a narc will avoid marital counsel with you but will seek out counsel for abuse on their own to use against you at a later date. They love to play the victim. I tried on several occasions to get my ex to attend counsel together and she simply went on her own and claimed the counsellor said we should separate for a year and didn't recommend that we get counsel together. It was outrageous and maddening to say the least. That was 12 years ago & I'm well rid of her. Unfortunately, there was much more going on than simple narc behavior and it was unrepairable. So be careful when picking a counsellor and make sure they are fully qualified to assess the situation or they may do more harm than good. Peace
Darren these examples were right on the money...my vulnerable narc ex did all of these. She left me a shell of my former generous and happy self, all my joy and trust gone, so much negativity and entitlement. Awful, awful, couple of years.
Be glad she is your "ex" or you'd be gone by now. I watched this happen to my enabling father. Once you become the "shell" (like an insect in a black widow's web), you are not far from death.
Narcissists are joy killers.... they kill off any joy you have... it's like they can't stand to see you have joy in your life.
This happened to me. The person who acted abusively to me was well-liked by others and had a jovial, kickback attitude persona in public. When I spoke about what he did to me, many people sided with him because he seemed like a good guy to them or they'd been his friend for a long time and hardly knew me. They had never witnessed his cruelty or been on the receiving end of it, so in their minds I was the villain and he, along with his enablers, trashed my reputation in a city before I'd even had a chance to build it. I was emotionally destroyed for over a year and became very withdrawn, and while some people were kind and supportive (and I can never be grateful enough for them), some saw this as proof that I wasn't likable or worth siding with. It was, and still is, tremendously painful for me to think about. I'm trying to move forward and hope for a better future. I'm very sorry for those who have also been painted as the villain when they, too, were innocent. It almost hurts more to have others condemn you than the initial injury. It can make the world seem like a hopeless place. I hope all of you find your hope in goodness again. Much love.
The "guilty doing the accusing" is a form of evilness that is much more damagingly frequent than normal people dare to admit.
When everything you say is devalued and they treat you as if you are a child. You get symptoms of depression and feel so emotional… so the abuser successfully makes a counsellor think that you are the incapable reactive problem. Such an impossibly frustrating situation. Others can think that isolated incidents you talk about are petty, but there is a consistent pattern!! So hard to get heard
Darren when you said "every silver lining has a cloud" - I was thinking of this same quote yesterday in relation to narcissists! 😅 Also when you said giving one hundred chances but they never change and how they're kind in public but abusive in private is so true. While all narcissists are horrible I find the covert ones in particular very nasty and troublesome to deal with because their behaviour is more sneaky and insidious than an overt narcissist which is easier to pinpoint at an earlier stage. I used to call one of my narcissists, "The daily dose of negativity" before I couldn't tolerate them anymore so cut contact. I think it's so evil how they rely on reactive abuse to twist the blame onto the person they're bullying. Very cruel and manipulative but I'm glad I now see through it for what it is. Thanks for the video Darren and best wishes ☀️
They are extremely negative and blame it on you, with pathological lying. Once you are blamed and upset. Now they are suddenly happy. Tormenting others are getting by with it makes them happy. They need a target just to enjoy Tormenting them. It's like they are addicted to evil and are determined to make evil look good. They sell their souls to Satan.
In my opinion most narcissists are covert about their abuse whether their grandiose or inverted narcissist.
@@brianwalsh1401 yes and I find the covert ones nastiest to deal with because their behaviour is excellently covered up in front of others compared to the overt narcissist who is easier to spot quicker. Overt narcs tend to go into rage fits whereas the covert narcs resort to the silent treatment. Both is bad but speaking from experience the covert ones are insidious and sly at covering their tracks 🤢
@@Eighties-Jadie Oh, the covert narcissist can let you believe butter won't melt in their mouth and poor me. The wolves in sheep's clothing. My ex wife did both depending on what she thought would get her what she wanted the rage or the silent treatment. I mean coverts all so the same stuff.
@@brianwalsh1401 yes Brian you're right they do lots of the same stuff and always act like butter wouldn't melt, especially when we confront them on their abuse. Also they do this really annoying fake incredulous look of disbelief when they're exposed for what they are, almost like, "Who me? Sure I wouldn't hurt a fly!" Very badly acted and so see through especially when a truthteller comes along and busts their deluded little bubble of deceit and lies 😅
One day I get a call from a family member who says to me, it's fine that you don't want to go to our nephew s wedding but at least let your son go and I will take him, let him see the family that have all traveled in for this event. We'll, I was completely in the dark. I said, I had no knowledge of this wedding and I did not refuse to go because I was never invited. He said the family were told ,simply , that we were not coming. Well, crazy as it sounds, the conversation ended with him being mad at me, like I was responsible for putting him in an awkward situation.
Blame Game yep. Listen for it.
I love this phrase “toxic amnesia”. This video is absolute genius
It's so painful and frustrating when a narcissist assassinates your character across the board and no one wants to believe you when you explain the truth of the story!
Narcissists don't want you happy. Finally realizing they betrayed you but made YOU the villain shocks you, but gives them pleasure. The mindf*ck happens gradually. You don't see it at first. It's like bleeding from a tiny wound. You don't notice until it begins to hurt. It's abusive and debilitating. No one's going to help you. You must pull yourself up and out of it. Be prepared to be portrayed as the evil abuser who took advantage of their kindness. Keep walking.
That is a a spot on description of my 30 year marriage to a covert narcissist. Thank you.
God love you. I can't even imagine that much time. I did 5 years and was completely discombobulated. I wish you the best.
@@brianwalsh1401 Thank you very much & all the best to you as well!! Well wishes to everyone reading this & know that you aren’t alone!!
@@soniaprovard8259 Thank you Sonia, you too.
Perfectly sums up my relationship with my ex. No wonder I was so physically and emotionally exhausted. I wish I could show this to everyone I know.
Me too 😞
Every time I have passed a video about narcs I have been called "obsessed", "paranoid" ...all where covert narcissists playing the victim game and after watching the video I had to suffer another smear campaign since they felt threatened. That's have been my experience so far.
@@Lyrielonwind sorry to hear, hopefully you have some true friends around you that are able to see through this evil.
It is sickening how people I actually thought were friends, believed everything he said about me... I just don't get it 😢
I date one for about 5 months. I'd get physically ill when we were planning to go out on a date, to the point where I'd have to cancel. Of course, he called me "abusive" when that would happen. But when I choke down a bottle of Pepto to be able to go, he'd pick a fight or be critical or do things he knew upset me (reckless driving, drug use)- almost daring me to react so he could clobber me.
I am afraid my experience has left me to face the reality that many medical doctors are problematically narcissistic, and extraordinarily placed to abuse their privilege of position.
I can really relate to this…especially the asking over and over and over no matter how many times you say no. Same with the wearing you down til you do what they want…. Even if you say out of exasperation just do whatever you want…they take it as a yes. I have lived this. And if it makes you depressed, that makes them angry at you for your unenthusiastic attitude. I can also relate to the not keeping promises, toxic amnesia, constant sabotage, breaking things that belong to you, nothing you do or say having any credibility, devaluing (and I would add mocking), being treated like a child or sidekick (I would say servant), accusing you of being a narcissist if you ever react to anything. This has been my life for many years now. It’s an exhausting way to live.
"You're abusing me because you disagree with me and that hurts my feelings." I wish that wasn't mostly word for word BUT IT WAS. Lawd, how we even gonna cope with these overgrown toddlers.
It is odd how you have to assume a mask in order to escape. I shut down but convinced him that I was 'just' depressed (I was, but also aware) and was getting help while also setting up the escape route. Almost got away cleanly, but got confronted and physically assaulted in an attempt to have me react and arrested. Be careful and stay safe out there.
very common tactic
"The ends justify the means": anything to get you locked up or arrested. "In order for a man to commit a mortal sin he must either consider either his action to be bad or have some doubt or malicious intention; if either of these exist then ignorance is inevitable and invincible."
My mother is a horrific narcissist who made our lives hell growing up. And my sister was diagnosed with ms in her twenties and had to move back home to her horror. No one believed her cruelty to my sister. Irish born catholic mothers were not cruel to their disabled daughters. We were liars. My father was a Lieutenant in the FDNY. He ran into burning buildings in the lower east side of Manhattan. How could a man like this allow this to happen in his own family? Impossible. But a man born on a farm in Sligo in 1932 did not have the skills to realize the creature he’d married. So he sunk into alcoholism and dementia and now in a nursing home. And my sister passed a few months ago in a nursing home after a thirty year battle with MS. And family in NY and Ireland still believe that my mother is a saint and my sister who passed, my brothers and I are all liars. A bitter pill to swallow. And over the years all the nights in the ER with my sister and father. And the thousand long trips out to the nursing home to see my sister. It’s like it never happened. My cousin Dermie has taken on the role as my mothers protector against her children. Because his mother is loving and can’t fathom anything else. And will probably get her to leave him everything when she dies. When I have earned every penny. It doesn’t seem real. A nightmare come to life. A few weeks before my sister passed, my cousin Dermie and his wife were going to bring my mother out to see my sister. Even though they hadn’t been in contact in several years. And knew that my sister hated and feared my mother. And the last ten years paralyzed from the neck down in a hospital bed in a nursing home. My mother left a message on her machine telling her she was coming the next day. And we forbade them from bringing her out. And they said of course they would never disrespect my sister. And went on their own and humiliated my sister. She tried to tell them her truth about my mother and all she had done to her. And they said that all Irish mothers do that. And that it was her mother and she needed to be respectful of her mother. A 55 year old woman at the end of her thirty year hellish battle with MS. How this happened in this day and age, I’m still trying to figure out
I learned to not ask for help.
I've found that when in the position of needing to explain to anyone why my covert narcissistic wife and I are separated, all I need to say is: "I'm better off alone than with a lying cheater." It wraps things up quickly.
I bought a house... the narc belittled it, complaining CONSTANTLY that it "wasn't....."(you fill in the blank: big enough, expensive enough, GRAND ENOUGH, .....)... I bought a car to replace my 21-yr old vehicle... they exploded w/JEALOUSY that my "new" USED vehicle was 2 YEARS NEWER than the Z71 OFF-ROAD TRUCK I had bought them 8 YEARS EARLIER!!! It became more & more obvious that their target was $$$$$$$$$... anything that they saw as elevating them was their goal. Anything I did that I NEEDED to do for myself was instantly attacked. I've NEVER BEEN a "public image" dictates action type person, but they WERE; everything had to be over-the-top better than anyone else. Their ego had to be constantly stroked. When I quietly refused to comply, GASLIGHTING ensued on every level. I also HAVE NEVER CARED what "public opinion" was... their preferred tactic was PUBLIC SHAMING to corner me into capitulation... I stopped going anywhere with them, happy in my little house & getting around in my used car..... Their failures ENRAGED THEM TO A DETONATION POINT!!! It was in COURT that their true target was revealed: my retirement fund, that I'd diligently built for DECADES!!! ***I STEADFASTLY REFUSED TO TOUCH IT.*** So I was "holding out on them, making THEIR LIFE MISERABLE!!! because "all that $$$ was just sitting there".... ***COMPLETELY OUT OF THEIR REACH*** being watched & managed by LAWYERS they couldn't find a way around(THEY EVEN TRIED FORGING MY SIGNATURE OF WITHDRAWAL DOCUMENTS, but my lawyers caught it, & since the attempted THEFT didn't happen, I COULDN'T PROSECUTE!!!!!) Cutting what financial ties that did exist cost me plenty, but in a 2-YEAR BLOODY COURT STANDOFF, _I kept EVERYTHING that was mine; the accounts, my home, & my vehicles._ The Court stripped them of EVERYTHING. Moral of This Story: ***STAND YOUR GROUND*** NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO!!! My lawyers fought POLICE, GASLIT CROOKED JUDGES, bank FRAUD, countless falsified documents, and the worst gaslighting my legal team has EVER SEEN, including beating back charges that I was gonna murder the narc!!!!!!!!! ***TIME, & in my case it's been 7 YEARS since the Court lowered the boom on the narc, TIME ultimately exposes the TRUTH.*** They're still gaslighting, but my SILENCE, quietly living my best life, paying zero attention to ANYTHING THEY SAY OR DO, ***ENJOYING MY FREEDOM & PEACE!!!*** is the ultimate revenge... Because I've done it ALL WITHOUT THEM!!! Psychopathic COVERT NARCISSISTS are the absolute WORST...they'll never stop. I delivered fatal narcissistic injuries to them that they'll never recover from. Their obsession with revenge on any level at any cost will never stop. I live in a fortified home with active surveillance, alarms, & I installed surveillance systems on my vehicles too. My retirement was split into multiple accounts & sent into multiple DIFFERENT STATES to hide it. My credit is locked. A psychopathic covert narc severely injured is a circling shark just waiting for me to make a mistake... So I'm always aware....🖤
I was talking about reactive abuse! And also the covert narcissist can talk the family members into believing that you’re also abusing her when you have this reactive abuse. Everyone can gang up on you. That’s what happened to me.
yep. triangulation.
Me too. Did you're family ever come around? My parents/kids just believed my husband even though THEY complained many times over the years about his lying. I can just imagine the awful things he's said about me over the last 30yrs. Nobody ever asked me,and of course I had no clue until we split. My 1 daughter who didn't just believe him was the 1 who suggested he had NPD bc she was suffering too. 95% of the traits-he has to some degree. I've told very few people of my abuse bc it's pointless,and that's the worst part. I'll never b vindicated.
Well of course they constantly act as the "victim" and constantly claim you're the villain. Because "You are only rebellious in the eyes of those who can't manipulate or control you."
It's a technique. DARVO. Stands for, denial (and / or deflect), attack, reverse roles of victim and offender. It's a manipulative technique. When your narcissist does it, calmly explain you understand what they're doing and that you refuse to be coerced or manipulated. Gray rock them.
Wow, I haven’t heard anyone address this with so much accuracy and so succinctly. My husband has done this to me for over 30 years. Thank you so much. He even said the other week that he’s talking to his workmates (probably about getting divorced), they say it sounds like me that’s the narc. Can’t believe he was talking to them about narcissism other than to make me look like the villain. He’s so good at projection, blame shifting and gaslighting and when it comes to helping move furniture, couldn’t be more ridiculous.
It's called the smear campaign, dear one. He's setting you up. Get legal advice right now - today! And when you finally escape, it's No Contact completely and forever. I promise you will find peace and bless the day you left. I did after 46 years, and life is so much better.
@@karenk2409 Thank you, yes on the legal path this year. I’ve done 5yrs of therapy and narc research so far and it’s changed my life. He’s got the kids as flying monkeys. So happy when people say it’s so much better after divorce, it gives me so much hope!
I'm sure you absolutely wanted to cut a b when he started projecting the narcissism onto you. Pure rage I bet.
Does that apply to a daughter, whose mother thinks that her daughter is just lieing, making up excuses, and looking for attention. when they refer to their own depression and anxiety? and their mother specifically says she's lying to her daughter's friends! see I used to have a friend like this, her mother always tried to convince me that her daughter was lying, about her mental state of mind . one day I confronted her mother and called her, on the carpet ,so to speak, about it. and obviously the friend's mother hated it ,and told me to not speak to her daughter ,or her again ever again. and I haven't heard a word from them since. And I think the real victim here, was the daughter, that used to be my friend.
I have parent like this sometimes
The biggest lie my ex husband ever told me and the kids was I can't remember. This man is recreating my marriage. Luckily after the divorce he didn't bother me, as the kids were grown up and left home, but my son is exactly like my husband, so I haven't talked to my kids for over ten years, as he convinced them that I am a bad person. Thirty years of a bad marriage, now I live on my own, with two cats and a dog, the best decision of my life.
Toxic amnesia. So true! It’s mind boggling. I used to try to argue with my husband but now I know not to.
I also higlighted this part..Best wishes
My mom is this way, my gosh! For the last 30 years, every truth and fact gets twisted around, everything is against her, every conversation needs to be about her experiences, current events and interests, her feelings, her hurts and martyrdoms, etc. She had some very real trauma growing up and in her first marriage to my father, so she does come from a legitimate place of complaint. But it’s constant. We’re always reliving it, and she compounds her real experiences with twisted perceptions of experiences in which she’s convinced she’s the victim when she’s not. She abandoned her kids when I was 14 (long story), and I’m over it at 45, but she acts like she was this sacrificial, wonderful mother, and seems not to comprehend why her kids don’t want to hang out with her and her constant dark clouds. She’s always criticizing others. 10 days ago or so she was lamenting in text that her family doesn’t want to have a good relationship with her, so i sat down with her and tried to gently explain it and what she could do to fix it: be kind, be considerate of the needs of others, show interest in the lives of your kids and grandkids (she never ever asks about anyone’s lives), stop being critical. She’s been over the top these last 10 days with every possible reaction imaginable: outrage/anger, lecturing, pontificating, martyrdom, no one understands me, maybe we need time apart, you should come over and chat again but only listen to my feelings and (literally) don’t speak, only listen (heck no). We think of narcissists as overtly arrogant overachievers, but they are sometimes of this flavor, in which their arrogance is in wanting to be perpetually pitied and the topic of discussion on the premise that “you don’t understand how I feel” or “it’s harder for me because”, or whatever. This is why I left home at 17. After 30 years of this nonsense, this last attempt was my clearest and, I think, my last. I talked to her this last time because she is miserable and I always tell my wife that my mom will finally be happy when she’s dead. I had hoped there was a chance but her self-identity is in her past bad experiences, and she can’t see past them, short of a miracle.
They never change. One can only walk away.
You gotta stand up to these narcissists and sociopaths. Don't let them walk all over you and say what you feel deep inside
I feel this way too. I will not run anymore. They are the ones who will run away now. I will not be looking back over my shoulder like I'm in witness protection or wondering if I should have done more for my mom. She made her choices and now I'm making mine. Don't let the door hit you on the ass when you run away....
They won’t care what you feel deep inside. You just need to get away from them or limit contact and limit communication as much as possible.
It doesnt matter to them what you have to say. They won't hear it because they just do not care.
@@neondiosa2 That’s what I said.
@@neondiosa2 it was crazy, it was like if I said something she didn't want to hear she acted like she didn't hear me no matter how many times I repeated it. It was like we were on two different subjects. And it got way worse after the divorce during the Hoovers. It took me way too long to go no contact. I just did not know what I did not know. Boy I've educated myself now.
Something I find unfortunate about information on NA is the failure to recognize and work with the fact that, almost invariably, victims are empaths. Much of the coaching is useless because of this omission. While I learned a lot and came to see that I was, in fact, being abused, it was impossible for me to accept that the many narcissists in my life are deliberately and inherently evil. Eventually, I figured out that I couldn't accept that because it's simply not true. Perhaps there are some genuine sadistic psychopaths, but I had lots of evidence my narcs aren't, so treating them as though they are felt wrong. It felt wrong because it is wrong. Lots of the coaching on NA videos is antithetical to my nature: hate and reject people and seek revenge. I desperately needed to learn how to do things differently, but I had the good sense to know that putting more negativity and toxicity out into the world (and, more to the point, into my world) was the opposite of what I wanted to do. Further, "narcs do this, they do that, they make you feel bad" leaves all the power and control outside the victim. It KEEPS us victims! Yes, it's necessary to identify what is going on in interactions, to recognize the same destructive patterns that play out over and over. It's even necessary to feel the anger, sadness, outrage, and grief. But that's not the place to stay. That's not resolution or growth. First I took an honest look at myself. I learned how to sit in the discomfort of considering whether the narcs might be correct about me (stupid, arrogant, mean, selfish, controlling, aggressive, etc). I had to really be willing to get to the truth, whatever it might be. I found and felt, believed for the first time in my life, that I really truly am none of those things. In fact, I confirmed to myself that I'm the exact opposite of those. That went a LONG way to disrupting the repetitive patterns of exchange. Instead of automatically reacting against or absorbing the narc characterizations of me, I could be calm and curious (eg, "What's mean about saying you didn't take the garbage out as promised? It's not a criticism, it's just a fact. I'm not attacking you, I'm simply asking you to take the garbage out now because you seem to have forgotten to do it. No big deal. And do, please, take out the garbage.") I came to understand that the many narcs in my life, like me, were silly, shame-filled arrested children. I had been a gullible, compliant, obedient, and solicitous child trying to stay safe in a chaotic, abusive family; I can admit that I kept acting that way as an adult and wondering why I kept getting stomped on. I grew myself up. My narcs have variations of the same theme, basically bullying, shifting blame, feigning amnesia to avoid accountability and responsibility. I can now have both compassion for the shame I know they keep adding to their pile unnecessarily with their bad behaviour and calm, consistent boundaries against that bad behaviour. I had been accepting, agreeing with, and reinforcing their insane version of reality, and now I see reality clearly and stand there confidently. It's true that some of my narcs are committed to dysfunction, overtly assert their entitlement to be abusive. Instead of helpless, pleading, frustrated, needy victim, I can now say, "I genuinely want to be in relationship with you. We both know that's not a proper way to interact with people, and that it doesn't produce good results. I know that you are a good person, and I'm sad that you are not interested in understanding why you behave badly so you can stop that. Out of love for both of us, I will not participate in opportunities for you to abuse me. It hurts me, and I don't deserve that. It makes you feel ashamed, and I'm sure you don't like that. There are lots of ways for you to address and correct that behaviour. Until and unless you do, I am not participating in this dynamic that doesn't work for either of us. I am ready to welcome you whenever you can behave properly." Unfortunately, my mother does not want to behave properly, so we have no contact. I am sad about that, but not hurt, desperate, angry, or confused as I have been in the past. This clarity (I don't want to be abused, and I am willing to be in relationship free from abuse) also innoculated me from the multiple flying monkeys. I like to think I'm helping them too by asking, "Why do you want me to line up for the abuse we all know she will dish out? Why do you think it's okay to keep enabling her to behave that way?" The lesser narcissists are still resisting and attacking the changes in me. It's not easy AND I can keep calling out bad behaviour and holding boundaries to prevent it. Integral to this is allowing consequences for bad behaviour, which, I admit, has not been easy for me (a recovering people pleaser). That's my work: to remind myself that I'm not doing anything wrong, I'm doing something right for a change. Yes, narcs lack consideration and have a sense of entitlement that I can't relate to, but owning MY part in that, correcting my weakling doormat tendancies and need to be "nice" where that's entirely inappropriate and served only to reinforce their entitlement, is empowering. The answer to NA is not to spite them. No empath will feel at peace with contempt in their heart. Perhaps a more accessible and helpful way to look at it is to consider how unempathetic and spiteful you have been to yourself, and to resolve to correct that, to balance the cost/benefit in your relationships to what you know is equitable and fair. We empaths have a dysfunctional tendancy not only to give away our credits to others but also to take on their debts. That's neither sustainable nor respectful (of ourselves or of others, who can and have to assume their own responsibilities). Empaths, love the sinner and hate the sin. Change yourself, change the world. It's true that narcs lack empathy, but it's a waste to pour yours out indiscriminately; develop some discernment and trust in your own judgement. Our pathology is refusing to see, face, interact appropriately with the bad in people. We have to learn how to identify that and responsibly protect ourselves from it while still honouring our super human capacity to find good in even the darkest places. Going all-dark is never going to work for us because we are innately light beings. So find the place in you that recognizes that the pain you thought the narc was causing you was your empathy for their pain (how else could someone behave so badly?) Realize that holding them accountable for their actions is, ultimately, an act of loving service. You're giving them the opportunity to heal and be whole. They have to choose that; it's their responsibility, not yours. To the extent they insist on continuing to hinder your ability to heal and be whole, you have a responsibility not to keep that in your life.
Thank you!
Superb advice. Thanks for sharing!
Secretly record all conversations 'behind closed doors'. That's your witness !
You described my narcissistic wife perfectly. Once when I was talking to her father he blamed me for everything wrong with our marriage. I asked him where he got his information about our marriage. He told me he got it from her, so I asked, 'so... you believed her?' This woman, my wife laughed about how growing up she lied to her father all the time because she did what she wanted to do regardless of his input. I wonder how much he noticed. One of his short comings was extreme family pride, so he would tell me bald faced lies to make them all seem innocent of any wrong doing. Naturally this internal flaw in him made it very easy for his narcissistic daughter to lie to him. All she had to do was tell him what he wanted to believe.
Wait, so you knew she lied all the time to her father and you still married her😱
@@lillyCfields I found these things out "AFTER" we were married.
@@fredflintstone8048 Ah, I'm sorry to hear that you were lied to as well.
@@lillyCfields Thank you. It really does come with the territory of getting hooked up with Narcissists. All we (I) can do is learn from not looking for the red flags and put it behind us.
@@fredflintstone8048 You're welcome. I hope things are going well for you now.
My son unexpectedly showed up at our front door. He lives 2000 miles from us. His wife took our grandchildren to the park while he stayed and talked. I asked if we could see the kids. He said no. He was here about an hour, texted her to pick him up. They were right there at the end of our driveway and all I could do was give the “I love you” hand sign from my front door. Their car windows were dark, so I couldn’t see them. He hasn’t even allowed us to FaceTime nor talk in 2 years. He said they were moving and won’t give us his new address. I don’t know what state he will be living in. He has stage 4 cancer. We cried after he left. When we woke up we were confused and angry. What kind of people would drive 2000 miles and not allow grandparents to see their grandchildren? I can only pray.
Thanks for describing toxic amnesia, reactive abuse.. and honestly so much more.
Mother, ex husband, daughter, friends, colleagues, managers, congregation members.... its all over the place and I'm a prime target as I'm tolerant and understanding. Eyes wide open, know your own boundaries and challenge any toxicity would be my advice,
I didn't know you knew my sister, mother and brother. Geez, they came so, so close to breaking me for good. The fact that I had to move 2,000+ miles away, go no contact and they still try to mess with my life is absolutely insane. 100% tried to make me look crazy. Literally. Two years later it still hasn't stopped. They go around to people I know, worked with, etc. I have no choice but to go the legal now. What I just can't understand is why. Why would a person/persons go to such great lengths to push someone into misery but get made when I hang on to refusing to be miserable or give up. All I know is that I'll never understand it.
You were the Scapegoat. Very sorry. Stay strong!
Good luck, is though when multiple family members are like that, be strong
They feed on it. They need their whipping boy/ emotional punching bag to project their insecurities onto. Look into videos that talk in-depth about “narcissistic supply” for a better understanding.
Dont allow and dont accept this behaviour
@@celestialstar6450 thank you so much for your comment and making me aware of the indepth areas to look for. Eternal gratitude to you
There's something to be said about going it alone - if you can live with yourself. For one thing, you can accumulate a lot of wealth. 🤠
I cant believe how many of these things relate to my relationship. I feel so seen and understood!!
I feel like I found a community that gets me…finally !!!
My mother is a narcissist, she abused me in ways I’ve never even heard of happening before. She is truly evil, I am 41 and wish I never tried talking to her after I turned 18
Same thing with my father
Listening to your list, I lost count of how many times I said: oh, yes, indeed, that's right, agreed, yes, completely, absolutely, I know, tell me about it, that one too...
It's amazing at how my ex narcassistic husband was just like Jeckle and Hide ....Extremely loving and social outside the house and a grumpy angry aggressive mad man at home.
When mine came home from work and shouted in a loud happy voice " were are my toodle noodles loves" me and the kids would cringe and spend the evening walking on eggshells. Got home one day and children's swing set was gone, when I asked were they were he said he had given them to someone who needed them. I could write a book on my ex narcissist husband 😢
The projection of abuse became so dangerous, that I had to start recording every single important conversation I had with this person since she was a woman and during a normal conversation she would start saying: "stop yelling at me" or "stop insulting me" or "I can not be abused like that". These are legally dangerous phrases and I had to record hundreds of hours of conversations in order to prove the behavior and secure myself. Even then, lying, abuse, and manipulation is hardwired in their system. Yes, a public and a private face. Night and day. Thank you so much for sharing this knowledge. Please suggest some coping mechanisms. Mine was brute force. Record, confront, and suppress the abuse, but it's like trying to press water down in a swimming pool with your hand. It simply rises up and grabs your hand.
Every single thing in this video describes the last 28 years of my life being married to my covert partner. My fear, and what keeps me here, is exactly that I believe all my friends and acquaintances will believe my partner when they will inevitably paint me as the abusive one. I fear I will lose everyone, including family connections.
Bless you. It might happen, but, the truth will eventually come out. Stay strong and when the time is right, you will know when to leave 🙏
You'll get to your enough is enough moment when you're ready. As for losing friends and family, that may happen, but better to be alone and living abuse free than living with abuse
@@Indyghurl true! Friends /family who are not suporting you are toxic.
Still you have to go..no growth if you stay, but if you do leave, it will be though be rewarding..
I am frequently reminded that no one will believe me...
My mother is a HUGE Narcissist..she has damaged me…but I really try and rise above it all and correct myself when my own behavior is reflective of hers. I have a saint for a husband who avoids my mother like she’s the plague…he advices me to do same. 😊
I finally divorced my wife after 10yrs of everything you portrayed here and so, 2 days ago when the lawyers took aim at her, the true colours shone brightly through. A real Jekyll & Hyde. Thank you for putting up a "one stop shop" on narcissists.
Congratulations Simon. Best wishes to you. Jekyll and Hyde indeed. Mind numbing frustration, bewilderment and confusion.
Congratulations on your divorce, mine didn't go so well I lost everything including my 3 kids and at the end I had the police investigating me for rape and when that didn't work she made up some story that she had seen a dead body in my backyard not just anybody but the body of a young child, 5 police cars turned up at my place with forensic investigators that dug holes in the ground searching for evidence to link me to the murder of Karmain Chen (a cold case here in Melbourne Australia) when the police cleared me of this investigation my older son 13 at the time made a police report that I had raped him, this obviously had badly traumatized me at the time, I was very naive at the time didn't know anything about sociopathic tendencies (although red flags appeared during my marriage) and I didn't know anything about PAS (parental alienation syndrome) it took 10 years for me to recover both financially and mentally, the sad thing is she has ruined my children's future as well...these people are domestic terrorists that ruin lives, a cancer in our society.
Darren's explanation is the exact description of my daughter and she has now upped the anti by refusing to let my husband and I see our granddaughter who is 8. So, we have the cut the cord, and we will wait. Consequences... and... she will never break me. She is very intelligent, very clever, but is ruled by her ego which governs her whole "reality". Colossal waste of time and energy.
This is an excellent compilation of the typical narcissist behavior patterns. Thank you for sharing. It's somewhat comforting to learn that you're not the obnoxious one!!
If I had this information growing up, I wouldn’t be trying to heal from a lifetime of emotional abuse. Thank you, Darren, for making this s better world, one video at a time. ❤️ ☮️
The trouble with narcissism is it will never go away because the people who are narcissistic truely don't beleive they are being narcissistic because they are to busy telling others they are narcissistic while trampling and walking all over people at the same time hurting them, they are so toxic , better just to either walk away from them or remain at arms length from them, it's not easy
When you're at the point when you feel like you have to record everything, it's time to go.
I can't disagree but I can understand why it's hard and why it takes people some time sometimes.
This!!!! Exactly this!!! He called me a Narc and told me I had no empathy. I had no idea what he meant at the time. It was then that I started to investigate narcissism. I used to teach yoga from home. My students would have to walk through the kitchen to get to the studio. So, I tried to make the kitchen as clean and tidy as possible. Like clockwork, 45 minutes before the students would arrived, he would cause an argument. It would always seem like it was my fault and then, I would have to try to calm down before class. It was so stressful. But he did it every week. Then, later into our relationship, I had started to gain weight after our miscarriage. I started perimeno at the time. We had gone to the bank as by that time, I had my own studio, away from home. He came with me. As we went into the bank, there was a beautiful woman in front of us. Anyway, I did my business and we left. Later that evening, he went to show me a photo on his phone and there was a picture of this woman that he had secretly taken. He went bright red. I should have ended the relationship then. But I didn't. Of course this made me become so self conscious and my confidence was gone. If there was going to be a disagreement or "argument", he would say "here we go again" and push me and prod me until the photo came up. However, it is the one thing I could never forgive him for. Even to this day. There were many more things he did and said as mentioned in your video and I feel so stupid for being so blind. I had asked him 5 years ago, to clean out the gutter over the back door. A 10 minute job at best. He never did it. It was as if he had mental blocks. He wanted to do things, would start them and never finish. Or he would go to do something and then do something completely different. And of course, everything was my fault. He was brilliant at gaslighting. I didn't even realise what he was doing. I really thought I was going mad. Sometimes I did. Sometimes I would ask him to take me to the hospital to be admitted to the psych ward and he would never take me. He knew exactly what he was doing. 🤔
I can relate so much to the going mad part. I was convinced I had early onset dementia, his gaslighting had increased so much. I went to my Dr and begged to do some sort of memory testing to find out. Of course the tests came back, that there was nothing wrong with my memory.
Yup vampires
Finally someone who can define what these people are like. You come over as genuinely knowledgeable without going into an incessant diatribe of rabbit hole scenarios that wander off into encyclopaedic definitions leading me to wonder if they got it all out of a book in the local library. Thank you very much for that, and by the way, you're dead right!
Or I’m not perfect, I’ve made mistakes……. I also used to get argued ina circle and end up apologising.
This is a really great video - thank you. I got into a dispute with a neighbour over what I thought was nothing, but it was something he built into much more. I tried to resolve it directly but to no avail. This led to him constantly trying to intimidate and provoke me culminating in him making a false statement to the police about criminal behaviour on my part and falsifying evidence to try and frame me. Sadly the police believed him as did the judge at the Magistrate's Court. I was found guilty of a crime I did not commit. I appealed and it went to Crown Court where the prosecution Barrister actually looked and the evidence, or lack of it. The narc was found out and the Crown dropped all charges. The police took no action against him. Neighbours have witnessed his intimidatory behaviour but are unwilling to get involved. He's spread lots of lies about me and has continued to try to intimidate to provoke a reaction. It's been going on 7 years now and it's only recently the police have started to believe me, though because of my experience I will never trust them or a judge at Magistrate's court ever again. I racked my brains for what I had done that was so bad to invoke this level of hate, but could not find anything, and I even tried to explain myself to neighbours in an attempt to rectify his lies. I tried to work out whether he was a psychopath or sociopath but it didn't fit. It's only recently that I've worked out he's a narcissist, and since then I just ignore him, even if he tries to provoke, and I don't engage with neighbours anymore or share anything about us with them in case it gets back to him and he twists it as they (and the police) are his flying monkeys, and if they choose to believe him without getting my side of the story then their opinion is worth nothing to me. I've set up CCTV and this has helped curb his behaviour but I know it won't go away. It's sad and it's taken me a long time and a great deal of upset along the way, but I am much happier now I've worked it out and have found a way to deal with it. Videos like this are very affirming and I'm very grateful for them.
The last person I dealt with that had narcissistic traits may have actually been further along on the spectrum. I can't be sure. But there was a covert attempt on my life and there is no question in my mind who did it. I don't have enemies but I had one hater who harassed me in five different ways over 15 - 20 years. I called the police when the auto repair shop called me and told me it looked like someone was trying to kill me. When the detective finished his investigation I learned what my neighbor had been telling the apartment complex manager and anyone who would listen. She told them that I'm afraid of people and think everyone is out to get me. She told them that I've been treated for some paranoid disorder my whole life. The truth is that I was too trusting of everyone and just began treatment for PTSD with the attempt on my life. By far, the hardest part is being an empath with a history of being trusted and then not having people believe you. In a prior love relationship, there were threats on my life and there was an hour and a half of yelling a day to endure from the raging narc -- I thought that was hard but that was nothing compared to this latest crap, which is nothing short of evil genius. I'm out of the way and she can continue being everyone's "friend" until each of them figures it out (or not). (Her tactics got two of her victims to move; there were at least two of us but I'm now wondering about three deaths in that bldg. (I was there 20 years and knew two of them; one was another good friend of hers and no one knows where she got the bad drugs.) I can't hire an investigator but I wouldn't be surprised to hear her name on the news. People, including the police and the complex manager, make it so easy for her just because she got there first. I'm going to repeat something my mother always said. NEVER TRUST A GOSSIP!
I just stay away from relationships, now. Time has a way of exposing these monsters all by themselves.
I remember with my own mother the event that made it clear that she was as malignant a narcissist as she could have been. We were at her house for Christmas, and her husband (my stepfather) surprised my mom with a gift. My mother was furious that he had bought her a gift without asking her permission first. It was like a switch went off. He had bought her the complete discography of her favorite artist. She told him he was an idiot and there was no way she could like it. She demeaned him for buying a gift when she never told him what to buy. She ended up giving it to me. She was so angry that he made a decision without her permission that she wouldn't take a gift we all knew she would love.
Thank you so much!! I feel validated like I'm not alone. So many accurate descriptions- I even questioned if I was narcissistic- felt like I was going crazy.
After studying a narc, and realizing that there was another (easier to spot them now), I thought oh oh I better check myself and that basic test you can take, showed no way I am the problem. But yeah, for a moment I started to doubt my way of seeing things.
@@leonab545 yes I still sometimes question if certain things were my fault, and then have to check myself and remember the depths and lengths of his manipulation and gaslighting.
This video was phenomenal. A perfect summary of the abuse.
its a powerful thing when a total stranger can articulate exactly what you lived through
Recently a couple of narcissistic family members have made bad decisions and have blamed me and managed to tell sob stories and tell me down