5 Ways to Spot Emotional Immaturity
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Emotional immaturity is hugely hard to spot - often lurking in people who, from the outside, look more or less their age. This is an indispensable guide to identifying the worst kinds of emotional immaturity, understanding where these come from and how we might handle them.
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“The best thing about physical maturity is that it’s very easy to spot; we can so easily tell when someone has another decade of growth to go - and can therefore set our expectations, and our levels of forbearance accordingly. But we have no such luxury when it comes to emotional maturity. Here we can be constantly surprised by whom we have on our hands. The most stunning forms of immaturity can coexist with all the trappings of adult life and a confident and knowledgeable manner. It may be a long time into a love affair or working relationship before we realise that we are unwittingly dealing with an emotional neophyte…”
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Fuck your membership!!! KZhead is meant to be free
Hi, I really love your content. It would help a lot if you could do a video about how to fight pandemia anxiety and panick. I live in Italy and right now it's unbelievable here, we are on lockdown, and can't leave our houses, houndreds of people are dead, and there is no place in hospitals, it's a crisis situation. It would really help a lot, I don't know how to deal with this extreme fear♥️
Is this available in all countries? It just brings up the regular subscription page.
I'm not emotionally immature. You're the one who's emotionally immature.
Ironic lol
No u
Lol
Hahaha yep, a big sign is that they invert the truth and seem to be able to uncannily spot their own flaws in others while ignoring them themselves. Amazing.
Michael Gazda No you are!!!
I would say a sign of emotional maturity is being able to watch this video and not feel personally attacked by it.
Pretty easy when none of the examples pertain to me. Except maybe the saying you’re fine when you’re really not, but I’m pretty sure a lot of people do that.
It depends- that sort of thing is also an increasingly common rhetorical trope deployed to deflect all criticism. Of the variety, "Oh you are upset by X ergo you must have problem Y." As opposed to engaging in the argument.
@@randomobserver8168 this already sounds personal...of the "I'm not gonna say it - but I'm gonna say it" variety.
👏👏👏
I had a hard time understanding some of them 😅
“I don’t remember much of my childhood” doesn’t have to be a sign of immaturity or ignorance but could also be due to trauma, C-PTSD, or dissociation. Some people cannot remember their past even though they try and want to.
Still means unhealed, unexplored, & highlights under developed parts of a person. They arent whole without the full picture.
I agree but its still a warning sign. If someone hasnt healed yet the they are 9.9/10 times emotionally immature
@@theFORZA66 I know lots of "unhealed" people who are emotionally mature. They have experienced stuff that others can't imagine and have matured quickly
But that's what emotional immaturity is about too. Just like immature defense mechanisms that are huge part of personality disorders are indicators of emotional immaturity
@@DontreadPimpBoy I agree. If you cannot remember your childhood because you spent it in a state of dissociation, there is not much you can do to reverse it. Emotional maturity means being aware of your mental condition and being able to manage it, not being completely mentally healthy. You cannot just "get over" certain things even after years of therapy.
I dated a manchild for 3 years, this is how to spot one: • Rarely self reflects • Likes to blames everyone else for their problems • Gets angry easily - has trouble handling their emotions or reactions • Throws tantrums instead of communicating like an adult because they're unable or unwilling to resolve conflict in a mature manner • Shows impulsive behaviour
Same
💯 I experienced this as well.
You've just described my mum
Did their name start with an S?
Sounds like the hired farm help my parents hired 7 year ago. He did all four things stated about the adult man child you have dealt with.
School of life is my third parent.
India
School of life is my only valid parent
There'll always be a parent that's out of the bloodline and that'll help us more. Online or offline 💛
Lies, that would be Mrs. Hudson and you know it!
Guess that makes us siblings ❤️
Immaturity can be compared to lack of empathy as well. You are so detached from emotional intelligence that you don't care about others and lack responsibility.
O'SSÉIN - Master Your Mind With Me perhaps even a sense of narcissism.
@@ThePositivityPrincess narcissism getting tossed around like it's a common cold. We need to have a little more depth when using that word otherwise it loses its meaning. I'm not saying narcissism isn't a concern. I'm saying that it is being applied liberally and openly these days. Especially in the KZhead comments when there is a simple difference of opinions with someone. Frankly it's a bit concerning how rampant labeling people with clinical diagnoses has become in today's society. I came here for a meaningful dialogue about how we misuse the words narcissist and narcissism on the internet/social media. BUT I expect ridicule and condescending belittlement in return. Change. My. Mind.
@@jeremymenning56 "Narcissism" and "narcissitic" is a pattern and an adjective that can be used to describe a person, much like "stubborn" or "slothful". "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" is indeed a diagnostic term, but how many people have you actually heard of with such a diagnosis? They aren't exactly lining up to be diagnosed and treated by a specialist because narcissism does not cause personal or occupational distress like, for instance, BPD or Anxiety disorders. In fact, many narcissists do well for themselves! There's no need to pathologize bad or unempathetic behaviour in this context. If one has a pattern of acting grandiose, entitled, unempathetic, and generally abusive to the people around them, then yes, they're being narcissitic.
Not true, look up borderline personality disorders. A disorder born of pain and with many immature traits yet are the most empathetic people under the sun, they know other people's pain cause they've stared at theirs so intensely for so long.
@@oohforf6375 let me rephrase. Narcissism and narcissist are being carelessly tossed about the internet when there are pretty clear definitions. And despite the fact that a person may have narcissistic behavioral trait that does not make them a narcissist. If that were the case couldn't most of the world's humans be characterized a narcissist? Probably so. All I'm saying is we need to ease up on assigning that characterization.
For everyone here you are checking on these signs in yourself is a sign you're not immature but trying to grow! Let's be kind and patient with ourselves. We are all growing!
I have almost all of these signs. Can any video point to how to grow emotional maturity?
@@TsArun-qw6xn I find journaling helpful. It provides undistracted time to “feel your feelings” and allows you to literally examine your thoughts after you’ve put them on paper. Prayer, too- if you believe you’re praying to an all-knowing God, there’s no need to fake anything or try to cover anything up. You might hear yourself say something out loud that you didn’t even realize you were feeling or thinking. However you process, there’s usually more clarity on the other end that makes it worth the exploration.
@@TsArun-qw6xn Therapy is the best bet, if possible.
@@Sarah-ds2gq thank you so much I was searching thru the comments for I think I might be emotionally immature, I'll surely work on growing using the above mentioned points
@@dkdoodle I must be getting with the wrong therapists or not being honest to myself, something 😂 I need more than someone to prescribe me psych meds and let me talk aimlessly about myself for 30-45 minutes. I know no one can “fix” me but damn, can I get a screwdriver or hammer to get started??
1. Cannot spend time reflecting on themselves 2. Haven't processed their childhood 3. Haven't thought about important issues in their life 4. Things don't make them angry/sad, due to lack of thinking about it 5. Aren't ready to have deep conversations about psychology
Why doesn’t this have more likes??
This is LITERALLY who I'm dealing with now 🤦🏾♀️💀 what do I do??
@@judithechevestemorales2688 racism isn’t popular anymore
@@Jackgritty28 don’t be mean to people too. That’s a big one
it's great how this show makes us to interpreted it freely. like pink floyd said .. what they regreted the most from their career was the the wall (the movie) cause it limits the interpretation of the viewer. it's great how an ideia simple and profound can have so many means and reach so much truths by so many examples .
The perks of being alone, you have so much time to evaluate yourself. When you are with group of people, you become focused on them, their attitude, their personality, everything that is wrong with them.
That's often times the scariest thing though.
Or everything “wrong” with us. This can lead to an overemphasis on our faults. You know what they say: hell is other people.
Then you might be that person who thinks everyone is crazy/weird and you arnt. Common mindset of someone who is weird and antisocial mixed with being a snob. A terrible kind of person.
@@heyphilphil that is not my point. When you channel your focus to a lot of external things, you get so out of touch of yourself sometimes, forgetting to self-evaluate. And yes sometimes it could lead to thinking that everything is wrong, when in fact sometimes it was you who was wrong all along. And that's why it is important to reflect from time to time. Also, you have to admit that there's one atleast quality you don't like on a certain person. And that's totally fine! Nobody's perfect. As long as they don't cause you harm and you don't cause them harm. Not liking a certain attitude of a person doesn't mean you have to hate them.
Groups of people for long periods of time can be emotionally draining.
One of the main telltale signs that someone lacks emotional maturity, I believe, is when they refuse to admit and accept fault of any kind. If there’s a disagreement or a point of contention, especially one that requires both parties to understand and acknowledge the other’s position, this person simply can never be in the wrong and can become furious over the idea that he or she may need to make a compromise. I also feel that relationships in which both people refuse to swallow their pride - whether it’s a big problem or a trivial matter - are built on emotional immaturity and invariably lead to constant battles for truth owning. But, for me personally, I gauge people’s emotional maturity on how gentle they can be with others (gentle in the sense that they strive to be non-judgmental, open-minded and free of harmful preconceptions of situations and others).
Great comment, I completely agree. It is scary how many adults I encounter daily that cannot see how childish they are behaving by never accepting blame for ANYthing. It's as if they know if they go down that road they will have to look back at all the other times they demanded they were right and realize they were probably wrong, and naw it's just easier to keep believing you are right.
True met a guy online and I asked him what he learnt from his last relationship and his response was that he was "too perfect" shift+delete
This seems to describe Narcissistic Personality Disorder pretty well. I don't know that I have that - it requires a professional diagnosis - but at least my thoughts and feelings are textbook NPD, and I score near the top in narcissistic inventory tests. Essentially, it is a lack of emotional development I can't quite shake, due to prolonged childhood and teenhood emotional hardships, so I have effectively substituted my feelings for reason and logic in everyday interactions. Does self reflection help? Well, it helps me identify the traits, but there is a great degree of stunted insight and confabulation with pathological narcissism that makes it hard to be as self-aware as I'd like. I know that upon learning more about this condition that I had to admit a lot of hard truths to myself - that I can't really care for anyone else's wellbeing, that I am incapable of true love, that my ways are less than honest, etc. While it is certainly an easy choice to do good things in society, getting rid of deeply engrained narcissistic beliefs is nigh on impossible.
Totally agree
Sounds like pride to me. Like when a child corrects an adult and said adult feels insulted at the mere idea that a child with less life experience would know more than them. They're defensive about it because their parents wouldn't take them seriously either. I swear, it's a cycle of bad parenting
I think if people are emotionally immature, it's important to be compassionate. Because most of the time, they have confused emotions and can't process them. Please don't isolate them unless they're unwilling to listen and change.
I get what youre saying but to be honest at some point youre gonna have to walk away. For example ive been friends with a womanchild for 4 years and she literally does alot of these things. Over the years ive tried to be compassionate and sensitive but its gotten to a point where i need to let it go. She sees her ways and cha ges the behavior for a sec then goes back to that. Shes not willing to change so i have to walk away as painful as that is because she was my bestfriend. But i see what youre saying
I miss my boyfriend already because I had to take a break from him acting this way
Thank you Hema. On a lot of these School of Life videos I find there's a very judgemental attitude towards specific people, and a presumption that one should stay away from those people -- the "red flags" terminology / give them a wide berth. I appreciate the truth and value of what it being said, but there's very little openness to the humanity of those who are the outside of that divide. Sadly, that reflects to a great extent how many people act these days. Yes, I suppose we all do need to learn to live on our own, manage our own shit and tolerate our own company. But it flies in the face of the way I was raised, which was to reach out to people in your life and try to help them. Sadly I think people are now mostly seen as replaceable.
I appreciate your compassion but it's just too painful and exhausting to deal with them. I cut off my ex and a good friend because they generated too much negative energy in my life. You've got to take care of yourself first before you accept such people in your life.
It's nobody's job (unless you are a professional carer or therapist) to repair a stranger. If you take on that task you are on a hiding to nothing and are likely to blight your life. There is always a limit to 'compassion', and you should deploy it wisely.
The bit about "I've never really thought about it before" is not (imo) itself a bad thing. If the person proceeds to think about it and comes up with a rounded perspective after considering multiple points of view on a subject, they are growing. Having the ability to claim "I don't know" or "I haven't thought about it" is a trait of people who are willing to grow and accept that they don't know everything. A red flag would be having an answer to everything or having an opinion on everything. If, however, they say "I haven't really thought about it" and leave it at that, without trying to improve themselves and form an opinion, then yes, they are emotionally immature. No one knows everything, not everything has been thought by everyone. That is fine.
I was thinking the same thing about this one. I know I have used the phrase or “I’ve never thought about it before” not because I wanted to get out of a conversation though.
Well said 👍
according to this video 95% of parents is an emotionally unstable man/women child, most of the time they solve their problem with yelling, anger, booze, belt and punch. and often blame their problem into their kids, they failed in life because of their kids, and so on
My thoughts exactly 👌
Why would having an answer be a red flag? It just means that they already thought about it. You can't always expect an "I haven't thought about it" when the person already thought about it. If someone talks to me about, for example, why I'm not in a relationship, I'll give them an honest answer and not pretend as if I never thought about it. Heck I'll give them all possible answers, but no one will know the real answer, not even myself. because everyone has a different taste and it all can't be put in a simple checklist.
Another sign of emotional immaturity is a grown adult who throws “tantrums” and thrashes around like a child instead of constructive conflict resolution..we all know one
Trump :)
Throwing a tantrum is not being emotionally immature. Actually quite the opposite.
My dad lol
Women?
A Throwing a tantrum is not remotely mature. Stepping back and observing your feelings, validating them, and communicating them in a way others will understand- not aggressively, but assertively and a way that benefits both parties- is maturity.
1. "I'm not so good at spending time on my own." (Insecurity) 2. "I don't really remember much about my childhood." (Ignorance) 3. "I've never really thought about that before." (Closemindedness) 4. "Everything is pretty good, all is fine. It's fine." (Irrational optimism) 5. "That's just a load of old psychobabble." (Denial)
I am the oposit of all of the things... yay... I gess...
Number 3, in this context, is more of a failure to self reflect. I'd say it's more avoidance. Just my 2 cents.
All of them are avoidance of self-reflection.
Number 3 seems absurd to me, phrased as it is in the video. Most emotionally immature people I've known will already know anything they are told, and will never concede that they "have never thought of that before". Wasn't Socrates the wisest one in the room because he alone knew that he knew nothing?
@@hhiippiittyy This is exactly what I was alluding to. I don't think emotionally immature individuals ever consider that they are at fault for any negative outcome.
"Everything is good. It's fine" that can also work the other way around where a person always is complaining about what happened that day or in their life. Those people can also be draining to be around
Right. "I'm fine" is really more noncommittal. I would argue that it's more emotionally mature to say, "I'm fine," than to use the nearest person as an emotional Kleenex.
My ex said "I rather make small talk with a stranger then have a deep conversation with a good friend" big red flag for me. I'll remember this video, cause I'm so ready for an emotional mature relationship!
I'll settle for good friends b/c they are for life. I think what makes it difficult is the romance part and the intimate or sexual part. I have had friends for over ten years that are the best but somehow in the romantic area it's just a car wreck over and over again, so I just want friends. Period~
Next: How to spot emotionally immature parents
Yes. This channel should bring up this topic soon.
Judging your parents is also a sign of emotional immaturity. Emotionally mature adults are understanding and objective when dealing with their parents. And certainly are not that concerned with the emotional maturity of their parents because they have their focus on developing empathy, remaining objective, being understanding and bridging misunderstandings.
Those who didn't went through what some people went through wouldn't understand it.
@@hdp82 ...this is so easy to say when you don't have emotionally manipulative parents 🙃 it's not about 'judging' and blaming them per se, but to have enough respect for yourself to deconstruct the actions of the abusive parents, accept that indeed, they have a bad effect on us, seek closure and heal. again, all this is easier said and done but you are not in the place to tell people that they are irrational and immature if they discuss about their abusive parents.
@@klaviergavin5401 now you are talking about "abusive parents". That is very different from "immature parents".
"I have never thought about that" could also be mature response to a new, original, deep, idea or insight. EDIT: I agree with most comments below, my comment should be considered as an addition to the statements in the video.
I thought that too. It all comes down to perspective. An emotionally immature person will say that you're wrong, or get offended and act a fool. It takes a lot of emotional maturity to admit your shortcomings, so this one seemed off to me. I think he was trying to say that emotionally immature people don't have the depth to consider other points of view--but no one can see things from every lens, and the immature person will also not be the ones to admit it.
I agree. That quote could be from people who want to further extend a conversation into greater depths and to gain new insights for themselves. I think the idea that the video is trying to imply from that quote is that emotionally childish people tend not to find answers to their emotional problem but rather to move on and leave that problem there, hoping the elephant in their room of life would eventually disappear if they ignore it long enough. But the way they put it into that quote might seem misleading.
I understand where you're coming from but I think they meant when people answer that in response to a question about themselves, not to an idea someone offered. If you ask someone something that a mature adult should have reflected on but this person seems to never have given it a single thought, then it might be a sign of immaturity.
i initially thought that way, that's why i kept watching to get the context as to why one would say this..
@@sarah259 -- in too many workplaces, admitting your shortcomings amounts to limiting your career. And admitting your shortcomings to the wrong person can result in them taking actions "for your benefit" that end up hampering your life. Just one way in which emotional maturity depends on psychological safety. You're a lot more likely to admit your shortcomings when you know the consequences aren't going to be severe.
The School of Life: we advise that you try to keep your distance from emotionally immature people me: okay next up, how do i stay away from myself
See a therapist
@@barbarawebb7185 I am in the process of finding one 👍
update: i found one and i really like her 😊
@@SnowKat-mn9qh YEY!!
"Check on them in a decade or two." Basically what I keep telling myself when moving between stages of my life, only to forget about these people within a couple years. It's probably for the best anyways.
Because humans are selfish piece of dog shit and only care about themselves me included at times lol
Not remembering your childhood can also be a prevalent side effect of childhood trauma
Unhealed, under developed
@@tlabang83 Some of us get dealt extremely shitty childhood's that can't be just 'talked it out' or healed through meditation and shit like that easily,it stays with us all the time no matter how much we want to get rid of it. On the plus side,at least we know what humans are capable of and can't easily get taken advantage of.
It’s true, sometimes the brain creates an actual blank no matter how emotionally mature you’ve gotten. It’s a survival mechanism for trauma. Different from people who do remember and choose not to think about things.
I barely remember my childhood, it was overall ok. No trauma. I just barely remember stuff and I don't think I'm an immature person
I used to teach college freshmen. I tried making a point in class by asking my students to remember their first day of school. I was overwhelmingly told, "I can't remember anything before I was eight." I eventually stopped going through this exercise because it failed so much. Were all my students traumatized in childhood?
Whenever you touch people’s wounds and bring delicate topics into conversation, the vast majority will try to escape from it. People are not willing to go deep into themselves
I must be a wierdo. My wife dying was the worst thing of my life so far. I ll open that wound anytime and go deep as anyone cares to go. I am past the crying and ruining my week but it creeps in almost daily. Life trundles onward
@@bradcampbell7253 Same with my brother dying suddenly of heart attack at 44, was totally healthy and my only sibling. These types of traumas almost start our life anew again. If you ask me when i was born, it was when my bro died. Everything before that I was another guy. Much lighter in some ways, much more stressed out in others. But it was barely who I am today.
Because it brings up negative emotions and thoughts that person doesn’t want to think about or feel....Possibility sending them into a deep depression that they may need therapy or meds to get out of..
Not with strangers, and certainly not with strangers who may use anything such wounded people reveal against them. There is no talking about things such as suffering depression, a bad childhood, rape or being through a war like my father as a child to normies, they just won't understand and worse they often just regard someone who admits to that as a psycho. They cannot relate to anyone one inch outside of their delusional bubbles of experience, and someone who is they simply deem that to be that person's fault they are where they are.
Good luck . It takes a long time but the pain will eventually lessen. Grief is the price of love.
A lot of these can also be interpreted as a refusal to share emotions with a specific person. Thoses lines are often used as an evasive response to not share emotions with someone not trustworthy. There are way more telling signs of someone's immaturity, like blaming others and throwing tantrums.
Thanks to my anxiety, I'm often worried that I'm emotionally immature and secretly unbearable; despite my frequent introspections, zero complaints from anyone, and years of willing therapy. And while self-diagnosing with a 5 minute video isn't the greatest thing to do, it is nice to have a little reassurance every once in a while.
It is a sign, not a proof
My favourite part is 'One comes away from a dialogue with such a person disoriented and lonely at the idea that any life could be quite so cheerily one-dimensional.' This is such a perfectly worded description of the type of feeling you get when you've had such a conversation. I thought there was something wrong with me for feeling it. Thank you!
Maybe they don’t want to burden you with the truth that their life isn’t good, never tell anyone your problems 80% don’t care and 20% are glad you have them!
I worry that people may not try to understand one another emotionally due to videos like these. It’s easy to write someone off as emotionally immature and move on with your day. It’s difficult and takes work to try to understand the other person.
Thank you for speaking the truth. Everyone should try to look from the other persons perspective before a claim is made.
Came here to make sure someone said this. Thank you.
Everyone shall first understand and value themselves. With understanding ourselves we can understand others better as well.
100%. This is quick-fix, self-interest-only consumerist psychology. "Just go get a new one."
I have some issues and I'm a pisces do yes fuck me surprised I'm not dead lol
As others have pointed out, the not remembering your childhood thing was a huge miss in this video. Many, many people have abusive childhoods. The fact that they haven’t fully worked through all of this to the point of being able to remember the horror in glorious detail is not a sign of emotional immaturity. It just means, like everyone else, they are a work in progress.
Honest question, no hate. But I've always wondered why people point things out that heaps of people have already mentioned in the comments. I used to think maybe they haven't seen the other comments pointing our the exact same thing. But you wrote "as others have pointed out". Which implies you already know that 100 other people have already mentioned it. So why did you make a comment on top of all the other comments about the exact same thing?
@@josephbittar5041 It's just them thinking out-loud. They agree with the comments, so then they feel the need to add their two cents. It's not that deep.
@@apokailyptic2899 interesting, thank you
Well no, a emotionally immature person at age 18-22 can not remember their childhood becouse they are emotionally immature. Yes you call it a "work in progress" but that is just a fancy way of saying "I still have 10 years of emotional growth left until its on the same level as my physical age. If you are a work in progress by the age of 22 you have failed enormusly, and thus you are emotionally immature.
@@djingiskhan4581 That just wont make sense, doesnt it? People who have traumatic experiences in their childhood didn't choose to forget it rather their brain did. Psychology is a pretty weird thing that can happen unexpectedly or in a pattern. For example, those people I mentioned may have grown from their past but doesnt mean they can automatically remember their childhood. Some would, but some also wouldn't because our brains are pretty weird from person to person. Even the most philosophical person can have a forgotten childhood. and there's people like me who don't remember most of childhood because it's boring but is contented as a loner.
Growing up with emotionally immature parents can be traumatizing. I speak from experience. But then again, looking back at it, I'm sort of happy about the way it was. It means I am, today, a REAL-ass grown up who takes responsibility and I always treat others with respect. It feels good to be me, finally. I am now seeing my parents for what they truly are - Children in grown up bodies. I am lightyears ahead of my own parents in terms of maturity and even though, on the surface, their lifes seem okay, I know my truth: I have a life filled with happiness, understanding and meaning on a deep level my parents will never experience. Wish them the best though
preach! just know that you’re not alone and there’s people who share similar experiences! ❤
I don't know why, but your whole comment sounds extremely immature. From the way you speak with superiority about your parents to claiming their lives "seem ok" but you're sure they're not, in the meantime yours is really more than ok. Is it, though? You say you're traumatized but then again, you're happy with that. How does that work?
@@SergheyKatastrofenko I totally forgot about this comment! I've come a long way since then with forgiving my parents. Thank you for your thoughts and perspective.
What about introvert children who were overwhelmed by family dynamics with no safe adult to help them? This may account for no memories of childhood as it was fraught with trying to process without any assistance.
Ariel Whitsund it still needs healing, it still needs addressing...or else your EQ will be stunted. You’ll tend to gravitate towards emotionally toxic and low EQ friends, partners, until healing occurs. It’s how it is. Alan Robarge and The Personal Development School can help so much. Both on KZhead. What is sometimes called “introvert” some people find out is actually a self protective insecure attachment style, developed in childhood. Dismissive avoidant is what it’s called. Of course there is validity to introversion and extroversion...however, many times, things are exacerbated, or expressed more, due to these childhood wounds. Blessings for healing
Trauma causes memory loss. I like to think I'm pretty emotionally mature and aware and I HAVE tried thoroughly to process events in my childhood that a lot I just do not remember.
@@skyblue02vanilla Can you cite any legit sources? I totally agree, I mean it makes a lot sense and I know it is sth that hapeened to me, but I'd like to find out more about that. That's why I asked about sources. Thanks!
As someone who is a true introvert, joining the service industry was huge for shoring up any weaknesses my introverted nature left me. I love spending time alone, but I’ve learned how to deal with difficult people and even thrive with customer service and in large groups of people.
@@alegriart dissociating in the past may lead to not having a lot of memories of childhood. This can be seen as emotional immature as it is mostly done by kids this makes sense. However it doesn't mean the person is immature now. Those memories don't just come back and for some people they never do.
Me : **spots an emotionally immature person** Brain: do you know him? Me: of course I know him, it's me
Hello there!
Recognizing it is a great move!
I'm afraid I share a lot of these immature qualities. I'm wondering where to start. This isn't going to be an easy ride.
@@aadee_man A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. You did the first step, recognizing it! Now it's up to you to do the work. It will be all worth it in the end, I was in the same position and I am a better person because of it.
Dude I feel attacked
i usually say “i haven’t thought of that before” to avoid chattering too much about certain topics i have thought about in the past so much so that it brought me mental instability.
Not being able or willing to talk about things is not really a good sign though. It depends. If you are just tired of discussing it then sure.. but if you are doing to avoid something.. then it's almost certainly unhealthy. You should be at a point where it doesn't stir up any strong emotions.
Well you are not telling the truth then. The video is not about people not telling the truth - it not unreasonably assumes people are not lying.
As much value as the school of life has, the more videos watch the more I realise that these videos more often than not completely disregard the effects of mental illnesses and discount life experiences that could account for some of the disordered or negative thinking that is presented as a moral or social issue
I agree. I recently learnt for example that people with ADHD suffer from self regulation of not just their attention but emotions. If we acknowledge their illness we can approach their emotional immaturity with a lot more understanding and empathy. This changes everything because we see the person for the person, not for how they act or behave. On the side of the sufferer it also allows space for selfcompassion instead of beating themselves down, me included. The lottery of life dealt those cards, they didn't chose them.
You can be compassionate to someone but if they refuse to help themselves there's only so long you can spend throwing them life preservers that go ignored. They have to learn to swim on their own, and you might find it best to give them space for both of your sakes.
@@jeremyjub9147 Most people have no idea what others need as help, and then get offended when the unneeded help is rejected. Telling people what to do without understanding them is not really a help.
@@aj010139 Unfortunately you can't expect that level of understanding from most of the people.
4:19 Is exactly what my dad said when I told him I considered going to therapy. It took me a long time to get the courage to make my own plan and go anyway. I love my dad very much, but this video was an eye-opener that maybe I shouldn't put too much weight on his opinion on that particular subject. Thank you, School of Life.
When you get old enough you realize your parents are no better (or maybe worse) than everybody else and it is shocking and eye opening because you used to put them on a pedestal.
@@HeadCannonPrime shoking, eye openning, but also relieving when you realise that problems are not all comming from you.
bkLEGION3000 I guess that’s just a part of growing up. Or even an indication that we are growing up: when we see our parents as complicated human beings with merits and faults that may or may not have made us who we are. It’s only then can we begin to break free of the childhood emotional blocks that set us back.
Same. Some parents just can't understand and you won't change them. Accepting that and the truth you are the normal one takes time. I wish you all the best
QODW All therapy really is is talking about your feelings. Talk about your feelings with someone you trust or talk about it with yourself. Better yet talk with your father. Don’t be afraid. Sometimes a stranger helps too. Don’t waste your money. We all have an idea of what it takes to improve our lives. A good social connection with others really helps us steer in the right direction. The good thing is that good healthy interactions and relationships is something that can be learnt if one is willing, discipline, and socially intelligent enough to figure it out. If you can’t or won’t even try, then go ahead and spend all that money on therapy. There is a 50/50 chance it will work or not. I know many people that had positive and negative experiences with therapy, but from what I understood from others experiences is that deep down what those have learned was that the problem they had was something they had to deal with for themselves. If your father is a problem, then confront him and be honest. Maybe he’s struggling to understand something about you too and is afraid to ask. Or maybe you should just leave him. You’ll figure it out. But you go to a therapist then what? You’re cured? That’s not how it works. There is an effort one must do. If your dad is the problem and you go to therapy you still need to confront him yourself.
I might add that another sign of emotional immaturity is not fully dealing with the end of relationships. Often people tend to brush off the intense emotions that come after the end of a meaningful relationship by either jumping to another quickly to find solace, distracting oneself from fully processing the pain and sorting out the thoughts, or worse of all, clinging to save the relationship due to either the fear of not finding someone else who understands us the same way they did or the mind-blowing sex. I purpose to be emotionally mature. Each small step of standing your ground and introspection is a huge leap towards an emotionally mature state.
David Njoroge it’s all good when you don’t have much feelings anymore. But when the attachment is strong, our brain is activating our habits to cope with the pain of the break-up. Emotions of heartbreak are much stronger than our logical thinking..
David Njoroge things like this I feel has to be taught... people aren’t gonna automatically know how to deal with dramatic things like that..
chocolate hersheykiss I do agree with this, my ex was extremely closed minded and emotionally unavailable when it came to hard things to talk about, they were easily pushed off or just a surfaced level response.
Relationships are a privilege to deserve, not demand. People I can't trust to not con me for another unit off attention don't seem to poses the experience of being told the "NO" that they deserve.
Today I discovered I was an emotional infant. Thank you so much, The School of Life. Thanks to you, I have discovered the importance of introspection.
Being mature for most of us is a choice, if we can learn from others, learn what is right, we all can be matured, knowing that we are not perfect anyway.
School of life usually tries to present things from different angles and make us think twice about sensitive issues. I'm surprised how trenchant they are about this matter: if you see an emotionally immature person run away... or come back in a decade.
I think they’re getting to the point of, it’s inner work. It’s not possible to do much else except support them (or trigger them.) It’s everyone’s own responsibility to do the inner work for personal growth. When the person is ready to do so, the proper situation will present itself for the person to become equipped to further their growth. They’ve got to be willing.
I was also thinking this
I didn't see it that way. I saw it as a way for people who need help with these things to seek help, and do the work on themselves. I cross paths with a lot of emotionally mature and immature people on a regular basis. Most of the emotionally mature have done the work on themselves or they had really supportive households growing up where even in the darkest of times, their parents were reliable. The emotionally immature people are incredibly draining most of the time and most refuse to do any work on themselves believing everyone else is the issue or they play the victim card. There's only so much you can tolerate of them before they either move onto a friendship that enables them more or I end the friendship because it's too taxing on me to put up with hearing their same issues every day that could be lessened if they would just work on themselves.
0:49 I love how the 'BOSS' Sign changed into a 'SSOB' (Sob) Sign, nice little detail there ;)
Eihab K love this!
nice.
ikr
Seems unintended, it would be weird if it falls on the same side
I have to point out that "I'm doing fine" is often used by people when asked by someone they aren't familiar with as a way of pushing conversation. A person who is, internally, being completely ravaged may often give that response because they just don't want to go into very personal details. I would not take it as a sign of immaturity.
I can pin point an emotional immature person when they make me scratch my head. . Signs- -Them putting things under the rug -Avoiding emotional connection -Changes topic that might bring hurtful memories -Shuts down when you need them to express themselves And many more
I like this list more than the one in the video lol. These are always tell tale signs for me too.
I wouldn’t say that they’re necessarily emotionally immature reactions (though they could be), instead I think it sounds like someone who has some pretty deep trust issues that stem from a place of trauma, or a place where they aren’t exactly sure themselves how to feel. It may not be the best reaction to things, and it’s obvious that the impact on relationships is damaging, but I feel like these aren’t necessarily the responses of emotionally immature people as they are responses from people who’ve been hurt, who’ve faced trauma, and aren’t exactly sure how to face their issues yet. Forcing someone to talk about painful memories isn’t going to help them, and it won’t help you. Even if you think you may grow closer by sharing those memories, or if you feel that they may gain some better understanding/assurance from releasing and talking about those memories, it’s always important to remember how *they* feel. You aren’t entitled to know private information about them when they’re not quite ready to share. Being supportive about them needing time, and letting them know you’ll be there to listen when there ready (IMO) is the best way to react. You’re not emotionally immature for not wanting to talk about your truama. Again, sounds like you’re dealing with someone with a lot of trauma, a lot of emotional damage due to that trauma, and someone who is emotionally unavailable. They need professional help, that doesn’t make them emotionally immature in all situations-it just means they need guidance.
@Ford Ford Agreed. Just because someone doesn’t want to/can’t open up at the drop of a hat, or on YOUR time doesn’t make them emotionally immature. It just means they don’t want to open up to you, and thinking they’re emotionally immature because of that is selfish and entitled, tbh.
@Ford Ford if you think like that, don't have a relationship. It's not a need, a relationship requires open communication and trust. One can't be vulnerable and speak their mind while the other one just shuts down..
@@katie5998 you and Ford are confusing my list. Connect the dots. Any relationship can't work if only one person is vulnerable and can communicate their emotions while the onother shuts down and simply avoids any kind of emotional connection. Look at attachment styles. Most with an avoidant attachment style tends to be emotionally immature.
The 6th sign of “emotional immaturity” - vilify others, just like this video does! 👍 Teaching people to “spot the signs” of “emotional immaturity” in others and then encouraging them to give all these individuals a “wide berth” ....🙄 Seemingly, even if said individuals are a spouse, a parent, a sibling, a friend, a coworker, an employer or apparently any other person we may come across in our day to day lives????? Literally everyone can be “emotionally immature” at times, or in certain aspects of their personality. No one is perfect! Just because some one is “emotionally immature” does not make them a bad person. This video is just encouraging others to think only of themselves and to run away from their problems. An “emotionally mature” person would not need to avoid those who are “emotionally immature” because they would recognise that this type of personality disorder normally stems from a difficult and unstable upbringing or even more serious trauma in childhood and adolescence, resulting in the inability to emotionally mature at the same rate as everyone else. An “emotionally mature” person would be able to interact with “emotionally immature” people, keeping it in mind that it is not their fault they are the way they are and perhaps they could use some guidance from someone who is “emotionally mature”. Most “emotionally immature” people are good people and just not aware of their personality shortcomings because no one has been able to have a mature conversation with them about it!!
ybinteresting I agree only partly. Spending time with them to help/guide them can be a good thing. But, spending too much time with them can have some of their immature traits slowly rub off on you over time, sometimes so slow you don’t even realize it.
Thank you. I mean, I don't remember much of my childhood. My therapist says it's most likely that it was so toxic and abusive, I wasn't able to create narrative memories. So I'll never remember much of it. So... I'll never be emotionally mature?
I think it'd be a nice addition if they did another video on how to be an "encouraging bystander" because a lot of us watching these videos can see parts of ourselves in it and work on it, but we can also see parts of these videos in others who may be struggling and we may want to help but have no idea how to go about being that encouraging person on the sidelines so they can grow on their own. Idk, not trying to be a persons crutch but I wish I could get this "helping my loved ones" thing down better.
Or they are just plain jerks!!
underrated comment though i have to say emotional immature people have a very poor sense of boundaries, and it makes sense to distance oneself from people who don't respect one's boundaries, but that doesn't mean they have to be vilified
2:05 Ouch. I don't remember much about my childhood - this dissociation I have from it is a Trauma response, years of being subject to and watching emotional abuse. I've analysed it superficially and learnt a great deal about how to recognised and deal with abuse. But this continued dissociation from any difficult situation and ego about my own strength to deal with it alone plagues my career and my relationships. I'm 27 with 4-5 years of no real progress. And many squandered chances.
What grounds me is, people have it so much harder than me. If I can empathize with that, my life is beautiful. We are the same age, been through tramatic past. Grew up without a father. Met him at 20. Was the most rage enducing experience I ever encountered. I went alone. Experienced the sadness alone. I talked about it with my oldest brother after it happened. Life had color. Sun shines brighter. He knew what I had went through. Now more struggles were had in those 7 years coming up, but I can see I am protected, loved, and cherished. Even if it is my family, that is enough for me. I stopped seeking rewards from others. I just seek them from the people I love, because I am never let down by the people that love me. Friends are superficial. Family, the ones that stay by your side, are forever. Friends can become family, but friends are a superficial experience. I guess what changed was seeing and experiencing greatfulness in the pleasures I had, not what I did not have or thought I wanted to have. In the end I get what I really need everyday. Food, clean water, and endless entertainment. What more could I ask for?
Damn I'm in the same boat. I've seen and been through a lot as a child. Even the earliest memories I have as a child are all traumatic. My father was a selfish manipulative person. From the very moment I was born he abandoned me by refusing to give me his last name in the operating room when the nurse asked after my mother had her C section. He focused more on his friends and partying 6 days of the week. Even worse, growing up he'd plant ideas into my head that my mother didn't want us to be a family together which in turn had me resentful towards her. He left us when I was 10, came back after I pleaded with my mother to accept him, and then he walked out on us again when I turned 18 with no notice and gave us 2 weeks to find a place. I'm 28 now. I cut him off completely 6 months ago after he'd call me whenever he needed money or someone to pick him up from a night of drinking. I know others have it worse out in the world. That's the only thing keeping me going. However I was raised and manipulated by him and I was a bad kid growing up. Self reflecting is important and sometimes I feel like I'll never adapt properly. That prick is lucky I didn't off him when I had the chance. Forgiveness is a part of growth though. All water under the bridge.
LaDabe Yeah man. I feel your pain. Its best to leave people that don't respect you enough to be a decent human being, because they don't respect themselves... Glad you can turn away. I did as well. Fatherless children are the most troubled people in the world. 60% youth suicide. 90% of all homeless runaway youth. 80% have behavior disorder. 70% drop out of highschool. Twice as likely to go to jail. Its honestly fucked, but if you can manage to get past the youth stage, you're in a great position with the cards you were dealt. If there is someone that loves you, and you love them, cherish it. Don't throw it away, is what I say. We made the one of the hardest youth battles. The hardest would be being an orphan that doesn't get adopted. So we had something to be thankful for. Lets be good to ourselves and strive to just live a good life. We don't need to spread pain the world anymore, we only need to love ourselves the way we want to be loved.
@@AzngameFreak03 well said brotha. I have a deep hate towards men who abandon their kids. I know a lot of them. One thing I'm grateful for from going through all that was knowing how to be a better family man. If I ever had kids I wouldn't ever leave their side. I had scholarships for college my senior year. I had to abandon school to find a job to support my mom and little sisters. School is no longer an option now. It would be too much of investment. From the 1st grade to the end of high school teachers were impressed with how well behaved and intelligent I was, not knowing the only reason I excelled was because school was my home away from home. Not tryna brag, but I sometimes wonder what life would've been like had I had a stable home. Either way, I have it better then some people in the world, best way to give back to this world with my life is to ensure that my future kids reach their potential and teach them how to be good human beings. Best of luck to all the struggling young men out there.
@@AzngameFreak03 btw, the statistics about fatherless men is true AF. I know a bunch of them.
Saying, "Everything is fine" is not always emotionally immature. I may not really feel that way but just don't want to burden you with my problems. And saying, "I never thought of it like that" reflects open mindedness and the ability to see things from others point of view. I was expecting this list to be somewhere along the lines of... 1. Throws tantrums when they don't their way. 2. Overshares and complains when asked how they are. 3. Calling other people's ideas dumb. 4. Calling people emotionally immature for not putting the weight of the world on their shoulders and for trying to live this one life we are given with peace. 5. Straight up making KZhead videos that call people immature for having a different view on life.
Lol at No. 5 😆
That's incredible... although constantly called "a baby", "immature", "7-years old" or "unfit for life" for 40 years by my parents, I realize that I am way much more mature for these 5 things than they are...
Sounds like your parents has done an awful lot of projecting.
Some serious gaslighting. Glad you can see it is BS.
Well if you still live with your parents or of your parents maybe they have a point?
@@julietteka1161 Look up the average wage. Now look up the average price of a home, condo, the monthly cost of an apartment, ect. I would argue someone living with their parents is far more financially intelligent than one might assume at a glance, if they're using their time in an efficient manner to build capital, despite the taboo of appearing less mature or capable.
Saying "That's a load of psychobabble" is not only emotionally immature, that's straight up gaslighting.😡
I say "that's a load of psycho babble" when referring to the world that created 100s of new labels within 5 years for people to categorise themselves under that then also say "people shouldn't be labeled anymore it's so outdated"
Who the fuck started using “gaslighting” as a verb? I’m guessing it was a female college student who watched an Ingrid Bergman marathon and thought it would be “culturally viable” to trendy psuedo-intellectuals. So stupid. Just say what the fuck you mean instead of using hipster jargon.
i've noticed most of the info out there about "gaslighting" and the way it manifests itself strangely and exactly coincide with the symptoms of a person who is truly mentally unhealthy and unstable and who exhibits severe traits of various personality disorders. it seems to be just another method to shift blame and focus by those who actually have serious problems. in fact, it seems to me that to accuse someone of gaslighting is, essentially, gaslighting
@@raoulduke9924 If you had to explain it at that length, then you're a troll or bot account.
@@patchchrist nahh, just thoughtful and interested in cultivating deeper ideas about things
4:20 Both my parents...just block conversation/help when it´s really important/difficult and tend to even attack others when they bring up something that could feel "dangerous" to their integrity. Thanks for the reassurace. Can anybody relate?
I can certainly relate, but I don't really blame. IMO, stuff like this isn't taught or anything similar, you have to face it on your own, and while a video like this might help, it is ultimately a task for ourselves to carry with. The thing is, for people way older than us their entire 50+ years are full of attitudes like this, so it's a monumental task for them to try to change, and subjects like this were rarely available to the average boomer, that said, I do believe that a big part of why we enter conflicts with them is the fact that they see us younger people as inferior simply because of age, and they are therefore unable to face reality when someone points out mistakes and negative attitudes of theirs. They cant conceive anyone being "better" than them.
I like weed too!
@Oftin Wong good boi
Older generation just weren't raised with any clue how to process emotions healthily. Thank goodness we have the field of psychiatry now helping us with this stuff.
I can relate.my dad, rather than approaching an issue with constructive ways of resolving it he would completely avoid it and shut down any discussion. Conflict avoidance, problem denial. dad the house is burning, Son dont worry it will be okay. But we have to put the fire out, No son i said it will be fine , end of discussion, lets talk about something else that's more pleasant.
thank you for talking about my father for almost 6 minutes straight, i appreciate it🙏🏻 now i don’t feel guilty for not really talking to him anymore👍🏻
Thanks for this video! Definitely helped me realize relationships that I need to put distance in! And even something I need to work on with myself
When my son passed away and went through my divorce I was so emotionally immature it led me to sexual assault and remarriage to a pathological liar. Emotional immaturity will train wreck your life-but often times it takes your life going up in flames to look and discover and learn that maturity. I never judge people in their journey to emotional maturity-it’s certainly a journey. But nobody becomes emotionally mature without self reflection.
Sending you virtual HUGS - you made it throught all that - wow!!! Stay Blessed
Sorry for your pain. . . .Do you think you could have found the maturity without making the 'mistakes'? or do we need to make bad decisions in order to learn to make better ones?
Richard Wagner One thing in this life besides death & change that we can’t escape are bad decisions- it’s all apart of the balance that is life. Just like a child will fall learning how to walk and jibber jabber their way to talk the learning experiences will not stop and it’s best if one understands this as soon as possible as to avoid lots of mental anguish.
Michelle Ellsworth I am so sorry for the pain, trauma and loss you’ve experienced. Alan Robarge and The Personal Development School, both on KZhead have helped me through some of my experiences. It helped identify core wounds, my attachment style and why I attracted, or was attracted to, certain people. So illuminating. Life is such an evolutionary and individual journey. I wish you healing and blessings 🌺
I’m sorry for your loss but feel joy for you overcoming your pain, very amazing person and strong. Self reflection and therapy. Going through a rough time and I’m having difficulty being alone with my feelings right now.
My god thanks for this explanation school of life... I am sick of my exes’ “you are thinking too much” way to be... every time I wanted to speak about something important he would ignore me and be an idiot, he would also always “be ok” even if we had a horrible fight a moment ago... these kind of people make me feel pity, they don’t know what a meaningful life is
i think i love the comment section of The School of life videos almost as much as the videos themselves.
This was my first video of The School of Life. Back here again after a year. This channel has developed me so much on emotionally and somewhat psychologically theoretical awareness. I am much more of a calm and confident personality than I never have been in such a long time since my teenage. Not that I'm saying this channel is everything or Alain De Botton has literally changed my life. It's me who has done that but initially and eventually if it wasn't for the small things and elements of my life from the past year such as this channel and people who educated me, I wouldn't be sitting here typing this and sharing with everyone. I am becoming better and I hope to attain more serenity and knowledge along with a sense of contentment. Oh! Also... Alain De Botton is a charmingly sweet-voiced and smart man. I love his accent and the clearly fluent way he expresses everything he wants to convey. Again, I might not be saying he is the only one who is so charming here, but definitely one of the charming ones. On that note, remember people, there are other people whom you can trust and feel alive, and to feel alive is to be able to feel happiness and sadness (or sorrows) at times, either in your own life or someone else's you have connected with. Peace.
I think you missed the most important one, instantly and over reacting to everything
like people who prescribe to identity politics? lol
@@jlehm *subscribe
Yes👏🏻
Yes, choose your battles wisely!
over reacting can be a result of a number of things, stress, anxiety.. as well as emotional immaturity
We first have to recognize that we're behaving immaturely. Second is taking responsibility and working on our emotions. To be human is to be emotional.
This was absolutely beautiful. I have always been someone who is very insightful trying to understand what is going on around and me and inside me for the most part. It’s good to know that I’m in the right path. My dad on the other hand sounds a lot like the person who always says that mental distress is due to not going out enough but try telling him he’s wrong sheesh.
“Everything’s fine” was my outlook until about five years ago. That guy walking past the burning house smiling was me. I still have a hard time processing grief and dealing with the negative aspects of life, and I still hate to cry, but I’ve learned over time it’s not the end of the world. My reason for wearing rosy colored glasses was that I was deathly afraid of depression. It can lead to job loss, homelessness and the loss of relationships, so I would avoid it at all cost, by spinning everything into a success story.
Now do one on social immaturity and include defaulting to avoiding others who aren't mature as one of the signs. It's through connecting with mature people who are compassionate and accepting (non-judgmental) that emotional maturity develops. The immature people of the world need more role models, not less.
Who wants to deal with an immature jerk??!
Immature people who want to grow and be better are worth the time and effort. Not people who think they don't need to change anything and have to depend on others in order to never address their issues.
Superficial and very caricaturistic Everyone is manifesting such forms of behaviour situationally, and that doesn't indicate emotinal immaturity in general.
Exactly. The "emotionally mature" person could very well be immature given the right circumstances. I guess if you're emotionless for the most common social interactions, you're emotionally mature. Everyone's got their buttons.
Not only that... Most emotionally immature people I know already know everything they are told and will almost never admit to never having thought of something before.
Yeah I agree. There's probably some truth to this but you can't really base someone's emotional maturity based on one thing they say. Moreover, it could also be that a person feels they aren't close enough to you to share their actual thoughts about life. But yeah, I understand that to succeed on KZhead you have to have clickbaity titles
It sounds as though people who bear their feelings on their sleeve are more mature than ones who don't. This is not substantive. But a larger problem is I don't know what emotional maturity is, and therefore I don't care about the particulars. A much more rigorous standard for definition is required in these videos.
Hear hear.
This made me feel so good. I've often felt strange around my friends and boyfriend because when I would start to talk about feelings, the way certain things hit me, ideologies ... I was either always told that I thought too much or that I was exaggerating. I would talk about simple beauties in life, like the smell of a flower or the way the sun cast its rays in my room and lit up what I was doing. But no one seemed to understand. When I would feel sad, and actually face every problem, look at my emotions, decode them, analyse them, and feel horrible because something horrible happened. I would see others never having problems. I asked my bf how he could always be fine and he said he just didn't look at his problems. It made me feel like I was weird and shouldn't do what I do bcs it would save me lot's of trouble. Now I see he's just not as mature as he says he is. And I should keep facing everything that stands in my way. Not close my eyes and heart to reality.
I experienced the same thing with my current ex. He says he's going to work on himself but idk if he'll actually do it. He's said he would before but I guess he's uncomfortable now that we are no longer together.
@@autumnmusic22 I broke up with my bf now and don't regret it. Ppl do change but not everyone. U have to ask yourself if it's worth the wait. There are plenty of ppl out there that could possibly be better for you. It's always a bet.
@@gpl4908 it's definitely something to think about
I love the videos and I've certainly learned a lot through this video, I'd like to mention however that some of the traits can be tricky due to different cultural and social norms, so depending on the how hold and the believe they've been thought at an early age can impact significantly some of the sings mentioned, nevertheless valuable knowledge to have and thank you for sharing this wonderful info " knowledge is power"
i have a brother that reminds me of the last one, he tends to tell me im too young to understand or that it's usually just 'drama' instead of trying to hear me out, when he does hear me out, it's as if i attacked him. i've stopped bothering at this point and would rather talk to someone who can listen and understand. i didn't know someone older than me can be this immature.
Everybody has moments of emotionally immaturity growing up. Being single for 4 years really taught me the value of solitude. I grew and learned so much about myself in that amount of time. Emotions don’t truly go anywhere. A person that’s emotionally immature suppresses their emotions only making them worse once they all surface. Being able to be alone made me very confident in how I handle my emotions now and even the worse things I can address and work through preventing me from having a breakdown or falling into a depression later on because of emotions I should of dealt with when the issue arose.
Please include “incessant on independence” alone or as part of #1. Those who overly REFUSE help and engagement are equally emotionally immature. Rather than refusing to look at self by being around ppl, they throw themselves into anything else and refuse to listen to anyone who try to offer space for reflection.
this 100%
My entire family in law are the two last lines while all this time I thought I was crazy for sometimes responding that I’m just “not doing okay lately but that i’m managing”. I feel so relieved right now.
Learned i grew up in a meth house, and my whole life the people i knew were terrible drug addicts and thieves, now as an adult im trying to pick up the pieces and filter through the bad shit that happened in my youth.. thanks tSofL
@@liljabrooks we can heal and be better people, best wishes
At least you have a clear example of how not to be. Keep reflecting and stay strong.
Good luck to you and your journey to becoming a self aware adult .
Your channel is inspiring and I like your videos. I do agree that we first need to be emotionally mature ourselves in order to help others so we need time alone. However this particular video is very generalized and does not talk about if that person is a loved one, in this case if they are struggling with emotional maturity being left alone may make them worse as opposed to pointing this out to them and trying to help them with it. It could help people over come their insecurities a lot quicker and even inspire them to help others. I like the idea of filling my time up helping loved ones (friends, family) overcome their fears a lot more than the sound of “ running away to be “ .
There is so much in here that I recognize from my family. It hits pretty hard. I have asked my father about his youth. His answer: "There is not much to tell." And that was it. I have tried a few times, but I know nothing about his youth. The same goes for my mother. "Everything is fine", that's my brother. He cannot open up, ever. Everything is fine, no matter what. "I'm not so good at spending time on my own", that's my mother. She is alone sometimes, physically. But never emotionally. She would do anything to avoid emotional introspection. "I've never really thought about that before", that's both my father and my mother. My father, more because he just isn't interested in that way of thinking, my mother more because she feels wants to avoid the stress of thinking about it. "That's just a load of psychobabble", that's my father. He also would say I think too much. I am not sure how exactly The School of Life came to these five examples, and whether these five examples are truly representative of emotional immaturity, but it is remarkable that I easily recognize all five from my parents and brother. It also makes me wonder about my own emotional maturity.
I feel like this is unnecessarily targeting those who are unconsciously emotionally immature (and everyone is in one aspect or another), they(/we) couldn't help themselves(/ourselves). And their lack of self-acknowledgement could've been a result of childhood experiences or traumas, from external environmental factors beyond their control. Instead of walking away, maybe the situation/conversation could've been dealt with in a more empathic approach. People are meant to bring each other up, therefore a few tries might be worth it. However, if it is causing damages on a personal level, it is perhaps beneficial to cut the losses.
Ya, "just walk away" sounds more emotionally immature than having conversation with person
@@SoulDelSol what if the person doesn't reciprocate the conversation. No matter how many times you try
I needed something about emotional maturity. Thank you so much
They’ve got a fantastic video called 20 Signs You’re Emotionally Mature!
Wayward desires. In the list of emotions the emotionally incomplete person is yet to confront and process (that includes anger, loss, confusion…) the narrator tops off with “wayward desires”. It almost slipped under the wire. But a moments’ reflection on it and, bingo, I’ve pushed myself into becoming a more mature person. Pretty good payoff, wouldn’t you say, such is the reward for a pound of challenging thought. Anecdotal moral: Happiness in part is derived from the art of letting go…of wayward desires. And these 5 minutes have been most thought provoking, indeed. Quite marvelous, thank you.
This channel really changed my life for the better. Thanks @School of Life
I genuinely don't remember much about my childhood but this video has motivated me to look further into that introspectively, because I surely wasn't the happiest child.
The, I don't really remember my childhood, is what I say often because I literally don't remember that much from my childhood. I tried to think of more memories, but I can only think of like max 10 memories before the grade of 4. I would say I'm generally an emotionally intelligent person too, so idk.
Angela Nguyen I feel the exact same way I feel like I have a decent grasp of my child hood however I lack the detail most can go into, I usually blame it on my memory but I’m still only young
Same here. Except I was abused so I blocked those bad memories out. I still remember some things, but not much. Not like everyone else at least...
"Childhood" in this context means 1-27. (yes 27, that is when the frontal lobe in humans is complete which is considered mental maturity) This video is reference for people in their 40s+ that don't remember anything they did through their teens and twenties when you probably screwed up the most. Not really talking about what you did when you were 5.
@@HeadCannonPrime ah thanks
Same, I'm working really hard to figure myself out, but memories are either not there or heavily repressed.
I've pondered this for a long time, and me and my girlfriend are both emotionally immature and I have realized this for the entire year we've been together, fights, "break ups". We both actively look into ourselves and realize that we have a lot to change if we want to be as best we can for each other. I am more in touch with it, (though the process is still a long time from completion), than her. I'm making more progress in it and while she hasn't explicitly pointed out that she realizes herself as "Emotionally Immature" she has realized that she isn't, for lack of a better word, as functioning as she should be. We've both made immense progress in bettering ourselves and the way we think and react, how we communicate. Is it possible to keep this going? That we can go on this journey together, and succeed together. To clarify I wouldn't say there is high dependency on each other, there was at first, but we have slowly and steadfastly been learning to live with ourselves and our own emotional problems and shortcomings. We come back and talk to each other about it and things we both want to work on, a sort of sharing progress. Is this delusion? are we actually too dependent on each other for growth? We have discussed it, and how we both want to work on eliminating emotional dependence, and i feel for the most part that we have.
Wow, this is soo well put. I live with a man like this.. Struggles to express his emotions, his experiences his views, his opinions!
Woah! Thank you for this! I am dealing with some of this in myself lol. But for real... it pays to be aware of our own emotions and hence learn or gain from it.
I love This! At the end, "check up on them in a decade...life's too short" love That!
A few years ago I was extremely emotionally immature and was terrible at conflict resolution. I would run away from my problems and let my angry side say and do stupid and horrible things. I cut ties with best friends, family, etc. I was a wreck. Then, I met my boyfriend who is the exact opposite. Over the span of being best friends and partners he taught me so much about learning to communicate and the power your words can have, even if you say them out of anger. He taught me how to love, and showed me so much unconditional love when I pushed him away. I am so grateful for meeting such a patient and mature person in my life. Don’t run away from people who need help. You might just change their life.
I'm very happy for you. I have to challenge your last statement however, emotional maturity is a product of your self reflections, your bf was a big factor I agree, but most importantly it was you who recognized your flaws and worked on yourself. I believe you are an exception and not as emotionally immature as you thought, you showed willingness to learn and become a better person by reflecting on yourself throughout your bf. If not for you, your bf would have never been able to change you, hence my challenge on not trying to fix people, but let them do it themselves.
@@Poison69 I appreciate you taking the time to comment back to me :))) Thank you so much, you are so kind
@@Poison69 I definitely agree with that, don’t try to fix people. I’ve tried, and it will never ever work. One thing that will help them is walking away when they’ve completely crossed your boundaries to make them realize their actions have real consequences. I will never try to change someone’s again, it’s not worth the mental anguish
I have to disagree that saying "everything is fine" is a sign of immaturity. It's often just a way to avoid discussing matters, and that's perfectly reasonable. There's nothing inherently mature about dumping one's own inner turmoil on everyone who asks "How are you doing?"
This gives people who are able to open up a sense of entitlement over people who struggle trusting others🤷🏻♂️
It seemed to me the video referred to personal relationships, not strangers. They didn’t mean divulging one’s life to everyone, just the people one trusts.
If you open up it could become your weakness
This amazing channel taught me more things in 5 videos than school in 13 years... It’s so true it scares me.
Thanks for this. I've found the responses to the video really interesting too. I have spent quite a lot of time reflecting, and exploring psychological support. I recognise I tend to take on too much responsibility for other people's behaviour (I know why!) I have got slightly better, but it can catch me out. The issues and events I've dealt with are quite complex and layered, and my 'processing' them may take years. In terms of staying safe in the dating world, advice elsewhere is not to give too much away of your past or difficulties in the initial period, as this can attract abusers who target those they perceive as vulnerable. I would only feel comfortable sharing sensitive information after I've got to know someone. I may have misunderstood the video, but the scenario of 2 people having a coffee looks like its 2 strangers and echoes the dating world. Asking each other delving questions a a way of 'diagnosing' emotional maturity made me feel uncomfortable. In such circumstances I may appear emotionally immature or cagey if I'm less willing to share. How would you resolve the conflict with these approaches?
That was a little bit rough at the end. Sometimes is good to look at them and sometimes us also with compassion.
Thank you for continuing to teach us such valuable lessons of life.
4:45 yet as an anxious depressive person. I do not feel as emotionally mature as I should be. And realize when I *thought* I had myself together ... It actually meant I had not lived enough.
great pleasure from the school of life for advanced Knowledge that it raises, please keep on going, raise your world and raise yourselves. God bless.
#1 I've always been on my own and I believe I pretty much know myself than any other else. But I learn from others. They sure helped me a lot. I'm 17 and my childhood was tough I guess I matured enough when I had my first break up. It helped me understand myself more and grow on my own.
As of #2 I am not ashamed to speak about my childhood and what i've gone through for it helped me to through hardships in life
There is something I was just thinking about the other day and I now think it's a behavior of an emotionally immature person. I noticed that there are always those people who, in almost any circumstance, will pick the "low hanging fruit" especially in a disagreement. For example: say we're discussing somebody with an addiction to a drug. Obviously, everybody knows that the addict is the one that chose to start doing the drug. But, the emotionally immature person will feel the need to say "well, maybe they shouldn't have been doing illegal drugs in the first place. Then they would have never gotten themselves in this situation." Then they act like that's just all there is to it and that's the end of the discussion. It's just so aggravating to me because it's like "No duh!" But they always have to put a voice to the things that everybody else already understands. Like, it was already an unspoken acknowledgement that the person shouldn't have been doing drugs, but we've moved beyond that train of thought! Does that make sense? I hope so because I'm finding myself becoming a bit agitated at this hypothetical argument I'm having with this hypothetical emotionally immature moron, lol.
Would just consider them an 'unfortunate', not everyone is learned in what otherwise would be considered the 'smarter decision'. People do the best with what tools they're provided.
"Thank you for stating the obvious" is how I reply to such comments.
It does make sense! Thanks. I suppose it's hard to say the one reason that behaviour exists, but some ideas I have. And I do recognize that by answering, I may commit the crime of which you speak!.. Competition. There is one correct answer to everything. So, I'm going to say what that one answer is. I'm not in dialogue with you: we are not both adding to the pool of our common understanding in order to expand our views in order to get closer to the truth. I am instead debating you, to see who can win in an argument. Curiosity v. judgement. If I can reduce everything to one conclusion or pithy saying, I have somehow reduced all of eternity in a grain of sand: "that's just how people are. . . Life is unfair. . . that sort of thing. Curiosity says there are a million ways to kneel and kiss the sky. Let's explore and meander and enjoy the mystery of life. One mind is convergent; one is divergent. In my view, curiosity is a more emotionally mature worldview, but I do recognize that I may be wrong. Humility, or lack of humility. If I win at everything: good job, fortunate relationship, no illness, I MAY think that I actually know some things. If I lose at things: get laid off, have difficult relationships, or get sick, I know that I really don't know anything. So I speak with less judgment, less certainty, more humility. I start prefacing almost everything I say with, "I could be wrong. . . " The past interfering with the present. My brother was a drug addict and ruined my whole family. I blame him for all of his problems and our familial trouble. So, anytime someone talks about drug addicts, I revert back to my childhood and transfer my exact experience with the one you are talking about. Looking for validation. I can't find anyone who will listen to me, so I need to insinuate myself into conversations. I'm not sure if I'm smart, so I need to be certain of my position, and say something smart so everyone will know how smart I am. Uncertainty. I really DON'T know much about anything, so I need to mask my uncertainty and vulnerability with certainty. And lots more reasons, I suppose. I try as much as possible to remember that we all suffer in our own way, and, in this case, I'd much rather be the uncertain person who sees nuance everywhere than the certain person who sees absolutes everywhere and doesn't even know nuance exists. One paints with a rainbow, one in monochrome. Cheers!
@@sobrevida157 Very well said. Thank you for sharing your insight.
Right! It's like they're unable to empathize and see all the ways their life contributed to where they are now. I've had similar conversations and it's frustrating trying to explain how we should show a bit more understanding. Like some how they think they would be different had they been faced with exactly the same circumstances. It's easy to be a saint when you've never needed to sin.
Yes, we need to learn to be assertive with our boundaries and needs while still maintaining a loving space for ourselves and others! Face challenges in healthy ways and learn to take responsibility for what happens in our own lives, rather than blaming others!
I feel someone should say this - if you recognise yourself in any of these, please don't beat yourself up! the self-awareness this video advocates for takes a lot of patience and time to build up (I feel I've been in this process for a long time and therapy and I'm still far from done), and as someone already commented, it might be due to serious issues that deserve self-compassion
A THOUSAND TIMES SPOT ON CORRECT!!!! BLESS YOU.
Signs of emotional maturity: Can they stand being alone, with their own thoughts, their own rage, etc. Or do they rush to find comfort from the group? Have they deeply thought about important aspects of their life and childhood and rumbled/processed with what underlying emotions were there? Are they able to consider the natural complexities in situations and cope with not knowing? As opposed to brushing things off in favor of simplicity through ignorance
Some of these statements require a specific category of question or level of intimacy in order to be (relatively) reliable ways to spot emotional immaturity. Acquaintances aren't so likely to tell you the darkness of their pasts, are they? And even people we love might tell us that "everything is fine" to stop us from worrying over them. And the "never really thought about that before" response seems like a good opening statement to make someone gush on about something they are passionate with. I just feel that some people might use this video to create some sort of tape-measure for their relationships with others -- and then find out that those love the most are also the most immature people they have in their lives.
Fabulous and insightful video! Thank you for it.
My summary is 'They(immature people) avoid anything.' So, for me i noticed and what i should have to done is facing
2:54 the "I've never really thought about that before" guy's legs lol
@@K-Rex589 hahaha yep. Doesn't even know what it is.
😂😂😂I thought I was the only one distracted by dem legs 😂😂😂
Its more common that people complain about something and somebody gives them a solution to the problem they just say « i know that».... reality is that most people almost never admit that they havent thought about a subject
@@Ikaros23 Ok but don't forget to look at his legs.
@@Ikaros23 I think so too, although I believe it's possible they have actually thought about it. They might still just ignore it, or think they have it in check, when they really haven't. I recognize this assumption in myself sometimes: I have knowledge of something, therefore I'm above it and master it perfectly without actually practicing it.
What I've always appreciated most about Alain de Botton's work - his videos, books & lectures - is his compassion for the human condition, this sense of forgiveness for all of us imperfect humans. That's why I'm so confused and disappointed by this video, which is uncharacteristically harsh in tone. To advocate turning one's back on someone because they're dealing with someone who is emotionally immature (and most, if not all of us, are at least a *little* immature) seems itself to be a sign of emotional immaturity. Emotional maturity means dealing with all the slings and arrows life throws at you with as much grace as you can muster, not running and hiding.
This video can be challenging for those who are currently wrapped up in relationships with people who have these signs of emotional maturity listed, and it does hurt to imagine having to abandon those loved ones when we are far too involved to really walk away. I see your point, and it does seem personal to you. I can relate.
Maybe it's because they've been hurt before that the topic they're speaking about takes a different tone. Their judgment might be affected by past trauma that involves emotionally immature people. Maybe sometimes, the kindest thing you can do for someone and for yourself, is to leave the emotionally immature folk to grow up and learn on their own time.
How is accepting the slings and arrows of someone’s temper tantrums helping either of you? So many people view self sacrifice as a good thing in itself. Doesn’t my own happiness matter? And who am I to make someone else grow up?
@@tarod3 I'm not proposing hanging out in the same room with a person who is having a tantrum. I'm saying don't cut someone out of your life because of "emotional immaturity," unless it's just a symptom of something major (like a narcissistic personality disorder). Perhaps that's what he meant in the video but was too subtle about it.
Good point! 😊
ok so now what do I do if I live with an emotional immature person who has the legal authority over me? Seriously I am going insane
2ajj. Want to talk bout it?
Excellent video. Thank you. You reflect that “I don’t really remember much about my childhood” as a red flag regarding evidence of emotional immaturity. That is the only point I am in disagreement with you. Someone may want to avoid discussing or thinking about that aspect of their lives and elicit that phrase, which I agree would indicate emotional immaturity. But actually not remembering ones childhood tends to stem, generally, from trauma so challenging that the only way they were able to function was to develop dissociative amnesia. Absolutely not a good thing, but not necessarily (in itself) a sign of emotional immaturity. Just my thought. Again, thank you for these pieces of information. Excellent.