CONFLICT CORRECTLY: clear instructions for a vacuum cleaner)

More details in the book "Difficult Dialogs" Macmillan, Switzler, Granny, Paterson www.litres.ru/ron-makmillan/t...
A difficult dialogue (#conflict) is:
1. Different opinions
2. High rates
3. Strong emotions
Options for behavior in difficult dialogs:
1. Avoid asking
2. Finding it wrong - silence or violence
3. Finding out correctly - absolutely honestly and with full respect for the other person
How to conduct a dialogue:
1. Ask yourself questions:
1) What do I really want to achieve for myself?
2) What do I really want to achieve for another person?
3) What do I want to achieve for the development of our relations?
2. You need to monitor not only the content, but also the circumstances of the dialogue
You need to learn how to track:
1) The moment when the dialogue becomes difficult - we look at the physical reactions, emotions, behavior of another person and our
2) Signs indicating that the person has ceased to feel safe
(silent or aggressive)
Types of silence: disguise (we selectively say when), exit from the dialogue, self-locking.
Types of violence: control, labeling, attack - humiliation and threats.
3) Your own style of behavior in stressful situations (when silence / violence is turned on)
3. What needs to be done to restore security
At risk may be:
• A common goal (does my interlocutor trust that, when I start this conversation, I think about his goals and interests?) Does he trust my motives?
• Mutual respect (does my interlocutor believe that I respect him?)
What should be done if safety is lost?
1. Apologize
2. Contrast
Denial / affirmation (I didn’t mean it, on the contrary, I ...)
3. Create a common goal in the dialogue process
• ORIV - commit to seeking a common goal
• Recognize the goal behind the strategy (why do you want this?)
• Invent a new common goal
• Find new strategies
4. How to stay in dialogue when angry, scared, offended
I see / hear - tell a story - feel - act
Our interpretation of other people's actions - this is the story that we tell ourselves. it is a cognitive processing of facts. It is useful to ask yourself the following questions (to identify the story):
1. Why is he doing this?
2. How should I rate this?
3. What should I do in this regard?
Typical stories we tell ourselves:
1. victims (this is not my fault, but his) - we minimize our shortcomings and our role
2. villain (it's all because of you) - we exaggerate the negative traits of another person
3. helpless - "I can do nothing more in this situation"
how to remake these stories on constructive?
Ask yourself 3 questions:
1. Am I trying not to notice my role in creating this problem?
2. Why could a rational, decent, and rational person do this?
3. What can I do to progress towards what I want?
4.
5. How to speak convincingly, but not destructively
Confidence, modesty, skills
Skills:
Share the facts
Describe your story
Ask the interlocutor about his vision
Avoid categorical tact
Persuade
Invite to speak
6. How to listen
Be curious. This is a research process. It’s like looking at a room, or diving deep into it. When a person tells us something, we connect to him at the end of the story. And we need to know the beginning.
1. Ask
2. Reflect (confrontation) - when his words diverge from his emotion (at the same time we show ourselves that we are calm and friendly).
3. Rephrase
4. Assume
5. Agree - expand the consent area. Usually we pay attention to the mistakes and miscalculations of other people, and by 90% we usually all agree with each other.
6. After you know his point of view, show him yours and compare them.
Book of Conflict: "Difficult Dialogues" Switzler, Paterson
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