Reasons why people put others down and how to cope with put downs
Join clinical psychologist, motivational speaker and keynote speaker, Dr Michael Paterson OBE, to learn reasons why some people put others down and how to cope with put downs. See this as helping you achieve your maximum potential and achieve success you deserve.
Timestamps:
0:00 Reasons why people put others down and how to cope with put downs
0:24 Dr Michael Paterson OBE
0:31 Achieve potential
0:40 Why do people put others down
0:45 Low self esteem
0:56 Childhood neglect
1:04 Effect of criticism
1:18 Relief of vulnerable ego
1:32 Jealousy
1:51 Attention seeking
2:35 People trying to control others
3:12 Displacement of negative emotion
3:34 Impact of lack of emotional intelligence
3:47 Ways to deal with put downs
3:53 Remind yourself it is their issue
4:07 Visualize a protective barrier
4:25 Evaluate evidence against - CBT
4:39 Laugh it off
4:54 Disagree respectfully
5:09 Coping with unintended put downs
5:52 Put offender out off my life
Reasons: 2. Low self esteem 2. Low self esteem 3. Critisizim 4. Jealous of you 5. Helps them feel important, liked, and like the bigger person. 6. Control. 7. Mental illness, 8. Trying to spread their problems to others, or transfer their problems to others. Coping methods: Imagine shield around you. 2. Humor. 3. Honest blunt truth, calling them out on problems and behavior. 4. Realize where they are and should be in your life. Please excuse my mistakes.
1. Neglect of self, others, past/childhood neglect.
Coping 9. Agree to disagree, live and let live.
I can't stand people that put others down. I'm dealing with someone at work who i can see puts others down but since i have more skills than him he respects me but for his own benefit, to learn from me but i can see he has slipped at times and disrespected me. I realized the type of person he is and i decided to not show him what i know and trying to get rid of him from my field. I feel at times I'm wrong but then I think of my standards of the type of ppl i want around me
My family criticizes me often, im college educated and most of them are not. I dont have children, certainly out of wedlock. They always put me down. Saying i dont know what to do with a baby. Many other things. It hurts and it just wants me to go as far away from them as possible
It sounds like they might ne envious of your college education and are putting you down to make themselves feel better. I'm also college educated and don't have children either and I think a lot of people find it harder to relate to. I hope you find some good people to be around soon, there's nothing wrong with your life choices.
I have dealt with this a few times. I had a friend I served with during the military. I thought it was a strong friendship. I even ignored the obvious insults. After I got out. I started to notice the insults and belittling alot more. I also dealt with rotten people more frequently on the daily. I tried to help him when going through issues and give the best advice I could. If I didn't have advice on the topic, then I was just honest with him. I went through a traumatic event of sinking on a boat during a hurricane and had to swim to shore. I also had to save my step dads life in the middle of that. Well I told him afterwards and he blew me off like it was nothing and was overreacting. He didn't have to pitty me, but being understandable wouldve been nice. Well he got out of the military and went through a break up. I can't really give advice on relationships because I only been through one and it wasn't a bad breakup. Well he was trying to find a job and I didn't know he got a job. I called him to see how he is doing and got insulted right off the bat because he was at work(I didn't know he got a job). I was done after that. Its not being soft. I just didn't deserve that and it wasn't going to end. I have a few examples. This was just one.
One of the best ways to remedy the situation is to approach the person when they are alone, away from anyone else and let them know you want none of their shit. Usually they crawl away since they don't have their audience.
I wanna do that but my bsf like takes it too heavily like as if im breaking my friendship with him or sumthin
Best answer is to ignore them. Same with family.
My dad pushes, shouts, name calls, swears and provokes me overall. I need job and money to move out or something.
A few years ago in a bar I met an old ex friends. During the chat he made fun of me that my black shirt was faded. I got upset. After that I decided to stop communicating with him. Two years later he text me and sent me a photo on myself taken years before. I texted back stating that the shirt I was wearing in the photo was faded and needed dying. His response was "I get the message". I responded with a thumbs up emoji. End of. He ended the friendship at the point he showed me what he is and I believed him the first time. You don't bring your friends down.
Like a boss ;)
Especially family, when someone is putting you down in front of your face, you privately talk to them that wasn't ok at all.
Well done 😂
It's rooted within insecurity. Instead of removing, change the person by invoking feelings of acceptance for him. Usually doing those things like rejection causes far more harm, to you and him, even though it may be pleasure (schadenfreude). That's how we fix people who put others down. The more you resist, the more they retaliate. The more you let in, the more they'll give up, and change. Usually that's not the case for people who are too far gone. What you've done is created more hostility. Just say it isn't acceptable, what if ive done it to you? Empathize, compassion, are the key drivers. It doesn't mean approving their negative behaviours. It means transmuting their behaviours into positive ones. The further we isolate and tribalize morality, the further the social divide we make of our own doing. So we are much to blame as they are for their... faults.
It's rooted within insecurity. Instead of removing, change the person by invoking feelings of acceptance for him. Usually doing those things like rejection causes far more harm, to you and him, even though it may be pleasure (schadenfreude). That's how we fix people who put others down. The more you resist, the more they retaliate. The more you let in, the more they'll give up, and change. Usually that's not the case for people who are too far gone. What you've done is created more hostility. Just say it isn't acceptable, what if ive done it to you? Empathize, compassion, are the key drivers. It doesn't mean approving their negative behaviours. It means transmuting their behaviours into positive ones. The further we isolate and tribalize morality, the further the social divide we make of our own doing. So we are much to blame as they are for their... faults.
This was really helpful. A new "friend" who really isn't. At least anymore. Insulted me at least 5 times. I knew she was acting out but didn't like it. I stood up for myself in her last comment saying "I don't think you should make a sweeping judgment with this one little thing". The other one is my hair dresser. She insulted me, in a friendly way. That one I left her a message that I really want to relax when getting my hair done, I pay a lot of money for it, and would prefer not be put down. For these reasons it's hard for me to find true friends.
Thanks for sharing.
This video is an instruction manual on how to attract abusers. When someone puts you down, you need to hit back twice as hard to show people that you don’t tolerate abuse. That’s the only way bullies leave you alone. When you try to take the high road, it shows abusers that you won’t fight back, and that they can dump their toxicity on you with no consequences. A simple “shut the fuck up” delivered in a calm tone works 90% of the time.
That’s no excuse for your parent to abuse or consistently use you as an emotional punching bag.
Or for anyone actually...
I got this from my parents throughout my life..
thanks bro people been putting me down since a kid
I'm sadly going through this with my own ... HUSBAND right now sadly
I have noticed self obsessed people love being perfect but lack respect. Or as soon as someone embarrassed themselves they will make a joke or snide remark. Or even show people up by being perfect if the person makes a mistake . Or they will belittle or criticize people if they are being rude. I have noticed its also the good loooing or successful people that act like they are above people. They also are disdainful to people they have no time for or admire and respect. They only care if it is in their interest and Are not in tune with other people. Or dismiss what people say or do . Or say what are you talking about I don't understand. Or they will get rid of people. Or say I don't care. And are so conceited and enjoy upsetting people and just smirk or laugh proudly if they upset people. They like to control people with politeness and say excuse me. If you try and stand up to them. If people show disrespect they lack respect. If we ignore drama we will feel calmer. We will be less stressed if we care less.
Just wanted to say that this video was the first one that really made me feel better. There's this guy who goes around saying all this negative stuff to people on Facebook - then tells people they're reading too much into it. He's the kind of guy who loves those memes about being attacked on FB because everyone's just too sensitive to his demeaning comments. It's almost as if he gets off on it. Most likely, he does. Nice video. Very calming at a time when I needed it the most. Subscribed :)
My friend married and 2 years later gave birth to a boy. I was thrilled for both of them and sent a bunch of flowers with a card congratulating them, they put the flowers in the bin, don't know why? I was invited to the christening, but due to work commitments, I was unable to attend and sent a present for the baby, they ripped up the card and discarded the gift. For over 18 years they have destroyed my belongings whenever I visited, put me down and I can only think it's because I was unable to attend certain celebrations. Sad bitter people never change
18 years??? why are you still presenting yourself to them??? like on a platter to emotional devour and abuse...
@@supernova2897 Exactly, what are you thinking you are going to recieve?
Leave this relationship already.
You don't deserve to be treated like this, don't meet up with or invite over anyone like that. Putting someones gift in the trash is abusive, extremely strange behavior.
I work with someone who is constantly on my case! Whatever I do, say, wear or wherever I go she always has something negative to say about it.
Looking good queen
I’m telling you have to call him out either nicely or rudely whatever works for you. But sometimes it only the rude way that works . Happened to me😮
Same boat
One day say to them If I didn't know better I would think you admire me and simile 😊
I think as a joke it's not so terrible. But when someone is rude and then gets harmful then yes it can be terrible.
I love the Castle analogy, very helpful thank you. I've noticed a lot of people online tend to act like this, they seem to feel horrible inside and want to spread that, rather than facing up to and healing their own pain. I always think it must be difficult for celebrities to deal with all these troubled, somewhat crazy people. You're right in that they're like toddlers in how they behave.
It's happening to me at work. I literally did most of the things you have suggested by common sense. I observed that he is hoping I change my new behaviour. He even tries to upset me by throwing rude comments thinking I will react. Which proves this is the way to deal with such people
Thank you for this very helpful video and I liked your delivery! I knew all the info in it, but needed to hear it again this morning, due to the fact that I've met a lot of people over the past few years and most have ended up putting me down, which happened again last night. It seems to me that most people are this way inclined though, especially nowadays, and it's getting worse. 😥
I'm glad to be of some help.
What about in a group setting where people start copying the one putting someone down. I personally find someone putting someone else down embarressing (and I think less of them in general) but its seems those around me join in with the bad behaviour.
This is to fit in and not get excluded, Wolfpack mentality, but if you look any of them in the eye confidently I bet they’ll look to the side if they aren’t confident in backing up that person putting you down.
Fantastic video. Thanks a lot.
Great help thankyou
Thank you for this.
Great video!
Thank you!
Thank you so much !
Thanks doctor.
Thanks doc
Great video. Very helpful
You are on point,with this video.
Thank you so much for this!!! I needed it and will watch this when I feel down
Love this video, "Thankyou, I will enjoy proving you wrong" was funny as.
Amazing informative video
Thank you Doc ,I'm going to use that advice indeed since I'm going through that situation.
Good video. Very interesting
Loved the video validated my understanding about such people 👍✌️
I like your talk, makes sense to me thankyou
A good case of Schadenfreude can bring some pain. But at least we know it's all a projection of their disowned self.
@@UserwithNoname-ds1ri Yes.
I really enjoyed your video I am in New Zealand and have someone in my circle who always feels it necessary to put others down including myself I was told years ago by a close mentor to pay no attention to these types of people but being a typical Scorpio I feel I have put up with this for too long so I have sent this particular person your video hoping it will outline to her the type of person she is you are right I believe she has serious self esteem issues she needs to deal with ❤
My sister has been trying to put me down for years now. We share a room about 9 years now. 5 years I use to be happy with myself and active. She started to feel the same way about 3 years age. At the same time I stopped to feel that way. Years ago she started to hide my things. She so that she doesn’t get in trouble or get caught, she acts like I don’t know what I’m talking about. Now that things has gotten a little better. She has my 6 year old brother helping her. Sometimes when I feel good about myself my bother try’s to put me down just so that she can feel good about herself. Other times she put me down. Where they put me down they both starts smiling or laughing. They both do other things to me. I try so hard to ignore my little brother. Sometimes it works and sometimes times it get to much for me. And with my sister it get better and bad. I also try telling but my sister makes it’s seem like I’m just making it up. I’m special Ed and my sister and brother are not.
It may be because their feel bad about themselves? or they are jealousy about us, honestly I don't know, but it is annoying.
If they perceive you as doing better, or looking better than them, this activates the negative belief and associated emotions they have about themselves. By biting at you, it is an effort to displace their sense of inadequacy.
@@MichaelPatersonOBE great explanation!
❤️❤️❤️
Dr Michael Paterson OBE _____ The Man _______ The Myth ______The Legend !!
1:42 They don’t like that. On the money. Let me get my bill fold out, how much? 🇺🇸🕰⚖️
i got a aunt that always puting others down.
Not seen my bf in two weeks, I know I had glow about me looking forward to see him, done my hair new top etc, then he said....hi I looked a mess...What..Narricrism I think, are has he done summat?🤔confused...
My daughter cuts me down all of the time
I am a Sigma/INTJ personality archetype who does not care about the whining of others, a real "hardass". I will unceremoniously drop people who impede my goals and success. I will not tolerate toxic, jealous, useless, selfish people. I will even find out their psychology buttons and push them like a video game console remote control to counter manipulate them to get them do dance for me and my objectives. 😂
I have put up with this from a friend for years...I figured there was no point as they do not care how you actually feel and will deny that's what they meant. Overtime, I have learned to laugh and see that she is constantly doing it because she is jealous of any progress I make. So its insecurity. I put it to the test. I let her know my new job came with a very healthy bonus structure and within two days i received a text that she is now getting the largest bonus that her company has ever give anyone ever...hahah...I hope that's true...but...I think not. When that wasn't enough, she stated, that she's really "proud of me" and that she is astonished that I have been able to push forward regardless of my learning disability. I do not have a learning disability...although I am not downing anyone who does or diminishing anyone's ability to get where they are going., its not a true statement and put on me to make me feel less than in her eyes. So i called her out. I said...Oh....i think you are getting me mixed up with your issues. I have never had a LD and only have had to push past narcissists' and cruel people but that's a skill I have become a master at. Let me know if I can help you get past any problems you have at work. I noticed that you were having difficulty understanding the architecture of your role and I did that years ago as a junior. Lets set up a date and time but I have to run right now to shop for a new outfit for a work trip. I have not heard from her since...ha If you can do it once..it becomes a board game of delight. Enjoy!
Assuming some one is putting you down because they're jealous is a little narcissistic in itself no? Somtimes being reminded to not take yourself so serious isnt a bad thing
It would depend on what/how they put you down. Or you notice, it’s only/mainly you they put down, but don’t exhibit the same behavior to others.
If it's a constant thing it's usually more malicious and insidious than that.