The DIFFERENCE Between Healthy & UNHEALTHY Love! | Terri Cole
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On Today's Episode:
Trigger warning to all of you lovely high functioning, independent women here that got your sh*t together. You’re about your business, taking care of home, crushing it in business or your career, and even though relationships aren’t perfect, you’re the one everyone turns to for advice and support to get through their problems.
The problem is.. Are you really sacrificing yourself and your peace being a high functioning codependent person to everyone around you?
It feels good to be the person the people you care about turn to when their life is falling apart. You get validation from it, but you’re also easily over invested in their decisions and their relationships to a flaw.
Terri Cole, the Boundary Boss, is a licensed psychotherapist and female empowerment expert. In 15 minutes she breaks down what codependency looks like for those of us that are high functioning and living the life. If you find yourself constantly saying, “I’ve got it” “I’m good” “I’m fine” you need to take a break right away and listen up!
Plug the codependency holes leaking energy from your life, and change your boundaries by changing the script. Learn that sitting with someone in their pain and mess-ups builds beautiful, healthy, reciprocal relationships that are much better for both of you.
QUOTES:
“If you have a lot of resentment you’re probably dealing with codependency as well.”
“When we’re codependently attached, we’re overly invested to the point where it is disrupting our own internal experience.”
“When you’re overly invested in fixing the lives of others you’re not being independent.”
“We’re doing it all, but at the expense of ourselves, our health, our inner peace, and our joy.”
“It is so much more loving instead of to fix people, to be with people in their pain.”
“Be a good listener, that is love.”
Follow Terri Cole:
Website: www.terricole.com/
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Podcast: www.terricole.com/podcast/
Twitter: / terri_cole
Instagram: / terricole
Facebook: / terricolelcsw
WARNING: I will never ask for your contact info in the comments section, that is someone impersonating me!
This was so powerful. And takes A LOT of self reflection, honesty, accountability and growth ! Codependency is so scary how easily you can fall into that mindset & lifestyle. I hope we all can come out of it for those who realize this 🙏🏽🙏🏽
I think very often it’s easier to see what others can do to improve rather than yourself. It’s very hard know what to do. I think my codependency is based on wishing I had someone there that cared as much as I do. That would help as much as I would. It’s very hard to see the goodness, pathname talents in ourself. It’s not always an ego serving act although that may be an unintended byproduct.
Thank you! Especially acknowledging that codependency doesn't always require an addict, being dependent, or enabling. This dynamic is also in the helping professions absolutely. This is the poison of the noble self sacrificing martyrdom professions.
My Mom will avoid visiting, calling, and even messaging me when she knows I'm having a difficult time, and might hope for emotional support/validation from her. When I told her directly that I felt like she doesn't support me emotionally, she acted shocked and hurt (first DARVO I ever recognized as it was happening from her). Her reaction was confusing for me, I thought she was aware and intentionally avoiding her kid's difficult emotions, but I guess that's not something she wants acknowledged on the surface level. My mom will take on problem solving that is beyond what she needs to do, to avoid listening to someone talking about how upset or hurt they feel. She throws money at problems, so I have the impression that unless I have lots of money, I can't navigate let alone solve my problems. In retrospect, in many situations if my siblings or myself had adequate emotional support, I do believe that we wouldn't have accepted financial support. She doesn't recognize that she chose how she supported us. It took me a really long time to realize the problem was with her ability to tolerate negative or strong emotions in others. I had believed that I was wrong or bad for experiencing certain emotional states. I was shamed for being angry, the thing that made me feel angry wasn't ever considered the problem, it was my emotions that needed adjusted. I had no idea that emotions functioned as a sort of compass. My dad was the "I just work here," type, so the emotional education for myself and my siblings was veeeerrrryyyy limited. We are just figuring this stuff out now that all three of us are over 25. It hasn't been easy without direct access to an emotionally mature adult.
I like not knowing what’s going on in peoples lives. It’s less taxing on me. I stay in my introverted lane. It’s great. I don’t need to know what drama people have going on. I’m a social worker and work with people all day. I hear a lot of drama with the people I work with. At the end of the day I shut it down and don’t give it a second thought. There is so much freedom in not feeling like I’m responsible for fixing anyone!!!
Really amazed me that there’s a connection between co-dependency and resentment. Eye-opening in so many ways!
This was absolutely amazing and really makes you look within yourself and make these changes that have been happening forever. Thank you Lisa and Terri!
So good! Where have you been all my life!
Much Gratitude For this light of TRUTH. 😊
What should one do if when ceasing the codependent behaviors, that those around you start calling u selfish, self centered, narcissistic and more when setting boundaries, doing self care (like going to the gym, cooking food for oneself etc), not acting like a waitress/mother/maid etc?
You maintain boundaries and let it go. Let go what controlling people tell you. They are not your God and you don’t answer to them. Nothing hateful just staying in your lane.
@@marisamarino7596 thank you! That's great advice. It's hard to not be affected by their behaviors, but it's something I need to train myself to do
@@summersalix you got this!!
This was beautiful! Yes! Thank you🤍
This is so good to hear from an expert !
Thank you. I love this.
Amazing episode!
Terri, thank you for sharing your experiences, it's very helpfu!l💕
Thank you I have learned so much 🙏 I seen myself in those situations with my family so many times!
Wooooooow This was amazing just what i needed. Thank you
I could relate 2 this. Useful tips to deal with this.
This is so informative! Thank you for sharing this made me wonder if I was really codependent in life, especially in choosing the right decision. :)
One of my favorite episodes so far 💖
I noticed you don’t do introductions for your guests anymore. It was always my favorite part of the show. I was wondering if you ever planned to reintroduce that? Your podcast is amazing. I’m thankful to have new tools in my toolbox. Have a Blessed day.
Só helpful, thank you 🙏🏻🌹✨🙏🏻
🙌
How is this different than when consultants are paid the big bucks to turn companies and company cultures around?
I put my hand up as a high-functioning ex-codependent.
It's being a fixer to empower people. Amazing Kinda reminds me of Jesus asking the blind man what can i do for you. Well duh heal my eyes. But even jesus left it up to you to ask for what you want.
Its a bit annoying and telling that so much of the content on this women-addressing channel seems to be focussed on relationships, love, men, dating and what not, while Tom Bilyeu's channel is more geared towards achievement, mindset, productivity, etc. I don't mind relationship focused content, but its the ratio that is jarring and send out unfortunate messages, for me at least, and is off-putting. Just scrolling down recent videos on this channel I can spot at least 2 that are on the topic of 'have mindblowing sex'. Then went on to Tom's channel and couldn't find any video from him addressed to men on the topic of having better sex. Sigh.
Yeah I've noticed that too. Women see more emotional. We take these things by heart. It's the way nature works. It's part of the feminine energy.
Heavy truth
@@pepperpop6041 They’re not saying that you can’t discuss these topics. They are frustrated because of the lack of diverse subjects being discussed. I’m not sure why people have to bring up “feminine” nature or them being “emotional” anytime anyone criticizes anything that has to do with female geared content.
smh ppl just want a reason to be cold and distant