Meanwhile... Sitting Is Killing Us | Anal Bead Chess Scandal
Meanwhile... Stephen adds "sitting" to the list of things that may send us to early graves, and he looks at a sex toy scandal that is rocking the world of international chess competitions. #Colbert #Comedy #Meanwhile
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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert is the premier late night talk show on CBS, airing at 11:35pm EST, streaming online via Paramount+, and delivered to the International Space Station on a USB drive taped to a weather balloon. Every night, viewers can expect: Comedy, humor, funny moments, witty interviews, celebrities, famous people, movie stars, bits, humorous celebrities doing bits, funny celebs, big group photos of every star from Hollywood, even the reclusive ones, plus also jokes.
The term "chess opening" just took on a whole new meaning.
I will never be able to look at anal beads the same again....
aaahAAAAAHHHaaah.... Yes.
He was already mateing before the game.
A hole* new meaning
🤣🤣
The researchers who worked out that sitting all day negated any workouts were sitting down when they worked it out.
Damn, that's deep, I gotta sit down for this one
🤔
Nice assumption
Went to a mathematician for an impacted bowel. He worked it out with a pencil.
@@PacesIII sounds painful lol
I believe that chess strategy can only be beaten by the queef's gambit.
You have just won YT comment trophy of the day from me 😀
Damnit, take my like.
LOL
@@dontbefatuousjeffrey2494 Hey stranger! Good to see you again! Glad your humour is still hale and hearty! (But hopefully not queefart-y. )
@Hai Boai Wanna last fight, bot? Let me make this your last! 👊 💥 💫
Passing kidney stones with sex? Sounds like a new definition of "getting your rocks off".
"I made her scream, but I'm not sure if it was a GOOD scream or a BAD one..."
Wow, chess really has made it
Only 2 thumbs up Levy? I'm confused.
Hello gentleman!
any news is good news? ;-)
Why haven't you covered this?
Hi Levy, it is weird to read you in someone else's videos. By the way, thanks, I am 44 yrs and I discovered chess thanks to you one year ago.
From a throwaway joke on a twitch stream to being sold as real news everywhere. The way modern media worked this anal bead story is wild.
So many things that would be worth discussing, and we get a silly joke blown out of proportion.
So the part where he opened by comparing a finely crafted item and something from a murder hobo's meth madness told you the segment was serious? Cool. I think we found where the problem is originating.
@@UlshaRS I get it, a story of cheating through anal beads is funny and the perfect material for a show like this. The problem is that people think this is a real story. It was just a silly joke made by a streamer and somehow news outlets started running with it like it was a real theory. And even Stephen Colbert sells it like this was something that really happened. Starting the segment with by saying 'Chess world rocked by rumours of anal beads' is just a straight up lie. Everyone in the chess community knows this was just a joke, but outside of the chess world I've heard so many people who actually believe this happened. The amount of times I've heard 'did you hear about that guy using anal beads to cheat' in the last few days is ridiculous. It feels like the Late Night staff picked up on one of these clickbait stories that took the chess theory out of context and did not fact check it.
@@TheHoruru Whaaat??!! That's astounding!! Friends outside of the Chess World!!
@@UlshaRS 🤣 Check and Mate!!
I'm not surprised that sitting is killing me, a day in the office leaves me in more pain than after an intense workout.
invest in a sitting / standing, adjustable desk ... it will pay for itself in saved medical bills
A very DIFFERENT kind of pain though, let's point out. Workout pain is good. Bone pain is not.
@@seaperu1 I've tried standing while working, for me it's even worse than sitting. I can stand in general no problem, but once I'm lifting my arms up, leaning forward a little to see better, all of a sudden it's WAY worse than just sitting. It's a really awkward position if your fingers are always over the keyboard.
Switch to smaller beads?
@@johnsmithe4656 A well positioned standing desk is tedious to achieve, but worth it once you do. Unfortunately they’re also super expensive
To be fair, if you can discern an AI's chosen chess move by intuiting vibrating signals from something you shoved up your own ass, I think you deserve to win regardless.
Think of the training required just to memorize the patterns of vibrations...
@@Azaeal Probably used Morse Code.
Well it's not talentless 😂😂😭😂
I think we found GOP's russian backchannels. Explains the distracted look on all their faces.
What if those Jeopardy Champions won THIS way! They would have literally pulled those answers out of their A$$es!
Sounds like the Chess players and the folks with kidney stones need to get together 😆
... well, they do both want to get their rooks out.
Their anthem should be “SQUIRRELS IN MUH PANTS! SQUIRRELS? SQUIRRELS?”
The term "doubling your rooks on the A file" just took on a whole new meaning.
Always love "MEANWHILE"
We've all cheated at chess like that...oldest trick in the butt.
Wow, this comment is SO underrated :D
I always found tossing kids up in the air and catching them puts them right to sleep. Then again, I have low ceilings. Edit: I think I heard this from a comic in the 80's.
Nothin' a little sweet bourbon on the ol' gums can't fix...
I busted laughing at the last line. Caught off guard
Best comment
That's funny because we had low ceilings and I would lift my children up and place them on the ceiling. My oldest would giggle with joy my other three not so much. 😉
I'm guessing you read Viz?
Didn't think I would live to hear 'anal beads' and 'chess' in the same sentence
Life happens fast lol
That’s just dartboard language.
Anal bead cheating, or ABC for short.
Does Magnus Carlsen have something against Americans? Hans Niemann (+ Hans' coach) is American. Wesley So 'completely obliterated' Magnus Carlsen in the 9LX world championship 13.5-2.5 and 4-0. Bobby Fischer invented 9LX. Hans Niemann is American (like Wesley So, Beth Harmon and Bobby Fischer - the 4 of them are American prodigies with dark childhoods). But consider the non-Americans of the next generation: Rameshbabu Praggnanandhaa is not American: Magnus gives Pragg today round of APPLAUSE after his Stunning performance (Julius Baer Generation Cup 2022) Andrey Esipenko is not American: Magnus 'didn't say anything when got beaten by Esipenko'. (Image here.) Alireza Firouzja is not American: Don't really have anything to put here except Magnus and the Alireza thingy of world blitz 2019: Initially, Magnus talks on own time after Alireza moves. That's fine. But later after moving and then punching clock Magnus still continues to make noise. Additional: Magnus cheated against Daniel 'Danya' Naroditsky on lichess. Magnus described Hikaru Nakamura as merely 'decent'. Eric Rosen beat Magnus in 9LX. Magnus condescendingly asks Andrea Botez how knights move. St Louis Chess Club is in the US. Also there was that thing with Maurice Ashley. Note: This post is not (completely) serious.
@@nicbentulan tldr
1:37 "A new study says that if we exercise for 30 minutes a day, but spend the rest of the time sitting, it's almost as if we had not worked out at all." I'm fairly confident there's a _lot_ of nuance to this story that this summary just omitted.
IKR who sits for 23 1/2 hours a day?
I love the energy Louis Cato is bringing to the show 😍
Loophole: If you worked out for 30 minutes then lie down all day, then it still counts as a workout.
My EXACT strategy! Lol. 40+ years ago, an old Polish man gave me his best advice: never turn down an opportunity to lie down or to eat. He died a rich man. His grandson is now president of the company he started after WWII. I nap whenever I feel the need. Eat when I want. I enjoy a very tranquil life.
@@katewade9992 Love that guy!
@Kate Wade Teach me your lazy ways!
muscles aren't built during the workout. They are built in between workouts, with food and rest.
I love Stephen's metaphor about the sleep deprived parent scenario. And colic is it's own special form of hell when your infant screams non-stop and you feel helpless to help them. I only have one child. That is one major reason why.
Same
I was the colicky baby, for like NINE WHOLE MONTHS, and every time my birthday comes around my mother calls me to tell me to thank her 😂. And she still had another baby after me!
I had a kidney stone and it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. Never knew something as small as a grain of sand could bring me to my knees in pain
I've had several but never the acute pain. Just constant ache where I couldn't do anything for any length of time. After the 8mm stone was removed, the Stent was almost as bad.
@@woodstream6137 Stent = "I see you have a wound from a BB that could get infected. Luckily, I have this giant plastic boa constrictor to ram in it to speed your healing."
@@eddierayvanlynch6133 pretty much. Kidney to bladder. It was basically a period everyday for 5weeks: cramps, pain, bloody urine. I called several times about the blood and was told that was normal. The day after removal I felt like a million dollars and all those issues went away. Switched doctors after that.
Try reactive arthritis or multiple broken ribs. (Actually please don’t). Total nightmare of pain for several months.
As a woman, the pain while the stone was in the kidney was Earth Shattering, passing it, goes unnoticed
That chess story does explain how Gwyneth Paltrow suddenly became a Grandmaster last year.
😂
🤣🙃🤣🙃🤪
Chess is now inspiring many University students during Finals Week
"Alright everybody, I said put your phones on silent, not vibrate."
😂😂I finished the statement with him on working out. That was satisfying
2 buck Chuck and Simpler Times got me through some hard times. Thanks for everything Chuck, sincerely.
🍷🍷
I’m truly awed by the quality of the creative mind that dreamed up the chess players communication system. I mean…how do you arrive at something like that…no, never mind.
chess fans are really no different than regular twitch gaming fans. We all enjoy dirty humor now and then. It made the cheating scandal very entertaining for all of us :P. I mean I hope you aren't taking it seriously lol. It was just a joke that somehow got interpreted as real news. If you're curious watch the chessbrah's stream, eric hansen did commentary about it
Sounds like the same guy who thought killing Thanos, via anal entrance and quantum expansion by Ant Man, was a good idea.
Sitting is killing us but standing is killing my knees. And back. And feet.
That's a lot. Is it time to upgrade your footwear?
@@fitforfreelance Doesn't matter what shoes I wear.
@@PacesIII dang. Have you tried butterfly stretch or the 90-90 stretch?
@@fitforfreelance It's a knee issue, probably from a foot issue or an existing back issue.
@@PacesIII safe recoveries! If you're not sure what caused it, I would definitely check hip mobility and stretches. If you don't have enough range of motion in there, your knees will try to do weird, painful things to get a little more movement. Also, that sciatic nerve goes through that hip area. If it gets pinched from not having enough space, you'll get searing or pins and needles type pain that can go all the way down to your foot. Uncomfortable! You may want to ask your doctor! You can probably find stuff by searching stretches for knee pain (maybe I should make a video about it)
The kidney stones joke acc killed me 🤣
R.I.P. (Rest in Piss).
At first, I thought the second half of the title was just explaining the first half.
😂😂😂
OMG SO DID I I know you're hella smart from all your comments. This is the only thing keeping me ok with my assumption 😕
Well anal is killing us too, more anal, less babies, less babies less people, less people means extinction. Anal is sweet tho, well depending what they ate before it.
Let us salute the writers of the MEANWWHILE intro's!
I recently found out you can make or buy leg extensions for folding tables. So I might do that for the table that is serving as my computer desk. I used some large shelves as a standing desk years ago and I remember feeling better and having less back pain.
We had a plant manager that made all the shift managers switch to standing desks with treadmills. He's moved on and only one manager kept the practice, the rest traded their treadmills for stools but the still have the standing desks.
back in the dark ages, when coffee cans were made out of metal, my mother had four coffee cans we would use to raise the kitchen table up to use as a workbench for various old timey domestic tasks,
Highly recommend getting a sit-stand desk if you can. There’s some for cheap that sit on an existing desk and provide a surface that can lift and lower. Well worth the price, imo.
Well, if you want to be serious about a Meanwhile bit ... try undershirts with elasticized panels to improve your posture. It makes a world of difference to me. I just don't have enough of them. It relieves chronic pain and stiffness I've had right up my sides, from knees to shoulders, for years. You'll thank me.
The way he said “sEveN” was concerning lmao
I love Louis Cato! ❤
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 holy Rookin' insanity Colbert! Now all future chess players will be subjected to strip searches
I knew there was rumor about Hans cheating. But never expected THAT should be the way he should have did it 😂😂😂
I'm at the gym so that joke was perfectly in context 😅
I feel your pain Colbert. I’ve had two and the second was obvious from the start due to the pain.
Hahaha the chess scandal is hilarious and it reminds me of the quote truth is stranger than fiction
I had a 9mm kidney stone and at no time did I want an additional prick in me
So, someone who thought he couldn't loose, lost. Then claimed his opponent cheated. Where have I heard this before?
to be fair, carlsen didn't say niemann cheated. match officials came to that suspicion on their own.
hans niemann has been caught cheating twice before, once in a money tournament, and there's been talk behind the scenes between grandmasters for a couple of years that something's off with his games. magnus was just the first one to pull the trigger when he felt the game didn't seem right. hans has also rocketed in rating during the last 3 years from his stable 2400s to top 2700 (which is HUGE but not unprecedented). and the game magnus lost was really weird, and when hans was asked to analyze it afterwards the analysis made other top GMs laugh and roll their eyes. it just wasn't 2700 level analysis. also on magnus' side: he's not really the type who gives up and goes home the second things don't go his way. instead his trademark has always been fighting on and squeezing blood from a stone. none of it proves hans cheated (3rd time), but there's a LOT pointing to something being wrong. it wasn't just magnus throwing his hands up and going home.
Guys I know you're only here because of you follow chess and heard about the chess cheating scandal being talked about on this show but... Colbert is a political comedy show written entirely for leftists. The guy was making an anti-trump joke. Leftists will make a joke where the punchline is literally "orange man bad" and think its funny.
The probability of Stephen using the word 'hobo' in his opening monologue is 1.
Isn't it a derogatory word for a homeless person?
@@daniellamcgee4251 while typically conflated a hobo is a homeless person whom travels for work. It's certainly used pejoratively, which is a shame really, it feels like a very easy shot to take at a group that won't realise you're saying it, it's lazy and contemptuous. It just stops being funny when you expect it, and even less so when it's yet another punch down. I feel like I've seen enough meanwhile's now to state with certainty that the writers of the monologue are getting lazy, maybe even bored with it.
What a show. Great job, Stephen. Love it
"I cannot think of something less sexy then passing a kidney stone" Ted Cruz? Matt Gaetz?
Ted Cruz passing Matt Gaetz's kidney stone? Don't ask me how it got there.
@@turkeyallalong9850 LMAO 🤣😂😂😂
Haha They call it; "castle-ing" 😅
Buzzing beads, huh? Finally an explanation for that funny look on the faces of most republican politicians these days: Marching music from their backchannel to russia.
Kidney stones are excruciating!!
Best meanwhile in months…loved ”squirrel femur”
Omg i was in tears over the chess
I usually skip the intro to Meanwhile but this one was shorter and made sense in a way. Thank you.
We did in fact have bingo when I was a kid. My concern at the time was that we would only be able to play it so many times before we ran out of the game cards(?) that came with it. This was the early 90s and I don’t think I was aware of a scanner copier. I was imagining we would have to make our own. It was fun seeing the mechanism by which the numbers were chosen.
many card sets came with tiddly winks, so they could be reused.
Or you could use beans to mark down the numbers instead of a pen Or even a pencil, but that'd degrade the paper with time
@@felderup they came with what? How does that adverb change wink into something that can come with a bingo card set? Do you blink in Morse code? How does that even help Do people understand what that's supposed to mean or does it actually have no meaning at all and it's an abstract use of words to represent something undescribable?
@@Ewr42 bad idea alert, twister combined with bingo, lcd's under heavy glass as the surface, or maybe it's not a bad idea.
@@Ewr42 tiddly winks used to be metal disks with chamfered edges, coins could be poor substitutes, later years, till now, they're coloured transparent plastic. press one onto the edge of another which is on a solid surface and it pops out, sometimes a bit of a distance, usually very flat trajectory, so relatively safe. usually one is fired and used as a target, rules similar to marbles or curling. now, let's talk about those anger issues you seem to have.
“hobo-choker of news” Momentarily thought he was taking his questionable Meanwhile references to people-of-no-fixed-abode to a whole new level there 😅
That chess player must've practiced before with his team to make sure they understand the vibration represents which moves. Like that practice session would've been crazy. Hopefully now the competition organisers have to inspect people for this which even more crazier and funny. Lol
"God must hate me" the motto of a true Catholic :P
3:18 never seen a more wasted moment, "want to come back to my place and get my rocks off"
that castling joke killed me and woke up my house
Try passing a kidney stone and coming down with shingles on the same side and dealing with twice the pain. That's what's been going on with me this week. Finally getting probably a little past the half way mark. Don't recommend it.
I can't imagine the pain of a kidney stone, but my experience with shingles was one of the worst things I ever went through. And I still have phn as a result. To anyone older who is reading this make sure you get a shingles shot.
“Any women ever passed a kidney stone?” “Um no but how about a human being?”
I had a stone just recently. I thought I was dying. Lucky me the scan says there are others just chilling out that'll one day also rip their way through my insides. Something to look forward to.
There are ways to get these to dissolve. Did you speak to your doctor about diet?
“The forest dwellers hobo choker of news “😂
Lol.. he has definitely had children 😂.
Chess thing: if a chess player were suddenly using AI help for the moves, perhaps this would show up in the duration of the moves. For example, if I am playing chess honestly, I would make some moves quickly, and some I would have to think about. But if I were cheating, and I had to "listen" for a signal, the duration of the moves might be more uniform. I expect that at the highest level of play, the durations of moves are recorded (sports people love their statistics), so it could be feasible to compare the pattern of the suspect player's move durations over years.
not in a classical game. but in blitz yeah one of the tell tale signs of engine user is taking that ~3 seconds evenly for every move. but it doesn't really work in this case as the top players only need a heads up when there's a critical move on board. they will see it in seconds if they know there IS a special move. the older way to do the same is having a spectator scratch his ear or something, and that's been caught many times.
If the player is good enough, they don't necessarily need to be told what move to play to gain an advantage. Instead, a computer could be used just to tell the player how important a move is (based on the differential between the best move and second best move) to help the player decide when to use their time to think. A computer also could tell the player who it thinks is winning (a change in who is winning would suggest someone made a mistake that the other player could take advantage of). This kind of information would only need to be provided at a few key points in the game to give an edge. Not saying that any of that is what went down. Just saying that a lot less information would be needed that you might think, which dramatically decreases the complexity of a communication scheme.
Colbert, if you knock soup again, I'm sending my bears after you.
As a dad of two bad sleepers, that sleeping joke got me triggered 😂
3:15 who ever cropped that photo deserves two Emmy's 😂
I misread chess as cheese and I'm so glad I was wrong.
You’re the best Stephen! 😂
I love this man!
Andrea and Alexandra Botez are chess masters who started the whole beads thing as a joke. They are hilarious and whip smart. Our media not so much. Lol
Magnus did drop out of the tournament, something apparently unprecedented. But he does spend a lot of time with those gals, so maybe his talent is slipping.
Alexandra is WFM. Andrea is untitled
Actually, the anal beads theory comes from Eric Hansen, a Canadian GM with a youtube channel who streams on twitch as well
I don't know. That soup looked very spicy!
I couldnt even pass my kidney stone, they had to go up and get it
I use handheld massagers to get some blood flowing when I sit for long periods of time. I also walk the dogs as much as possible.
solid band. lewis.. 👍👍👍👍❤❤❤❤❤❤... loving the flavor.. you are in good hands🙏❤🙏😎✌👍
"Queenwhile" With Liz II and Latifah, I feel this is a missed opportunity.
Kidney stones are absolutely not a joke, they’re one of the most painful things you can ever experience
I needed keyhole surgery for a staghorn kidney stone that filled 3/4 of one of my kidneys, what a sad indictment of my sexlive 🤪
That sounds more like a kidney boulder or kidney rock garden.
There's a toy hall of fame? That anal bead bit made me think of John Stewart cuz he would have acted that very same way lol
I've had a 9mm kidney stone. The memory still haunts me.
Niemann wasn't cheating. He just has a Rectix prescription.
I am a 52 yr old male and i am fortunate to never had/passed a kidney stone. Either my kidneys are the BOMB or I just don't get enough calcium.
Vitamin A deficiency has been proven to increase risk of kidney stones. Many vegetables have some form of vitamin A.
or... action? (I'm kidding)
Good for you. I'm 45 and have had two episodes so far, 10 years apart. It hurts horribly, and you're in panic because the pain is in the middle of your body and you have no idea what it is.
@@SelfReflective I wonder if I've been predisposed to them; several times as a kid I would wake up with a terrible cramp in my kidney area that was relived by urinating. My first big stone was discovered at a Thanksgiving dinner in my early 40s. I had to piss like a race horse and there was so much blood in it even though it didn't hurt.
@@woodstream6137 What hurts is the ureter (not the urethra) cramping as it's trying to pass sand or stone from the kidney to the bladder. Once the stone is through, the cramping stops and you will notice blood in your urine.
The study about babies is bonkers, said every parent ever
That black Telecaster is beautiful! Well done Louis!
best meanwhile ever
woah! new guitar!
I have been doing my office work standing since we started working from home and it helped my lower back issues tremendously. More recently, working at the office for two days a week is enough to bring back the pain. 😒
That sucks. What about standing more often again?
* did you try unplugging the baby and plugging it back in? *
I never found the 'off' button on mine.
I like to assume that he used a really rudimentary system to actually cheat with the beads. Like he just picks up each piece individually and holds them over each square one at a time as someone in the crowd switches the vibration strength up as he gets warmer and warmer to the right piece.
Starts at 1:37. Early this time. Nice!
As a member of the anal bead community, we find this appalling. Also, where does one sign up for a chess tournament? Sounds fun.
The kidney stone joke 🤣
My new pick up line is!="Want to SMURF around?"
I am convinced that whoever made this claim had a dare going on with his friend that he could get EVEN a game of chess into the Meanwhile segment.
How are Bingo, Lite-Brite, and Nerf not already in the Toy Hall of Fame? This is a crime.
Best way to stop a baby from crying? Adopt a teenager instead.
Teenagers whining is more annoying than a baby crying
@@AC-hu5tg Yeah, experienced six times. They’re all in their 40s now (a miracle) and have been living their wild and crazy lives. That’s why I now recommend people get dogs instead. Dogs are great.
Talk about getting your rocks off.
5:00 Audience reaction shows how familiar we all are with adult cam sites.
Scientific way to put a baby to sleep, a centrifuge.
Two buck chuck got a sadder reaction than the queen dying 🤣☠
Omg, I love Louis!!!!!
5:19 He is so good in this kind of thing. ♥
Sex makes everything pleasurable, and so does Bacon. 🥓
Bacon bacon bacon. Wins every time
Hobo chocker of news..🤣🤣🤣🤣
So basically if you work out for 30 minutes, and then also get regular exercise for the rest of the day, it's like you've done exercise.
Lol