INFIDELITY SERIES: Once Trust is Broken, Can it Be Healed? - Esther Perel
2015 ж. 15 Сәу.
886 650 Рет қаралды
On March 19, 2015 Esther Perel delivered a TEDTalk about affairs. This series is an expansion of that talk, to dive deeper into a few areas of conversation.
For more relational resources, visit estherperel.com
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* Filmed and edited by Nora Tennessen, New York, NY -- vimeo.com/ntennessen
This happened to me over 10 years ago. I'm still in the marriage but I have bad days. The only reason that I am still here is that she fought like hell to keep me. I can't say that saving the marriage was even the right thing to do but that is what we decided to do. Infidelity hurts everyone! I handled it OK since I'm not in JAIL!
„Once you live with the answer, it means that you have to live with the consequences of knowing.“ - Wow… What a sentence. Words of wisdom.
I gave everything to my marriage and all of our kids in a combined family and after all that was cheated on. So to the question can it be healed? Much of what she says is correct, but I would add this. You have to keep the bar high if you have any chance at happiness. I spent 15 years working to make her happy on a daily basis. When the infidelity was revealed it was at that point about my happiness, not hers. I got married to find greater levels of happiness, not to be miserable. I sure as hell was not going to stay in a marriage where I was miserable. So I held the bar high to ensure my happiness. She failed at every turn, choosing to manipulate and deceive rather than being accountable and remorseful. So I kicked her out and was done. I think the people that get into chronic caustic marriage relationships don't draw the lines sharp enough. Keep the bar high for your own sanity. If they choose to repair at least you'll know it's legitimate.
For me.....trust has completely disappeared never to return.
She really is the BEST at expressing herself on this and many relationship topics...in my professional opinion as someone who academically educated and trained therapists and psychologists , she is the gold standard for public information about these subjects. She talks about the right issues and does so beautifully. signed a PhD academic psychologist
The pain of being cheated is worst than anyone can imagine.
What makes cheating worse is lying, I went thru hell with my ex I knew what she was doing but it took me 2 weeks of solid ranting an raving before she finally decided to fess up. It was the worst time of my life, but for her to dig her heals in an lie just made me rage
One can argue that an emotional affair isn't as bad as a physical one, but it still stings all the same. The trust is gone, and may never come back if it's not addressed.
It’s just so painful knowing how much you have invested in a relationship and all of a sudden you get heartbroken by that same relationship...I just can’t seem to forget it every time I wake up or I see him it’s just feels like he’s still talking to her am still fighting to trust him 🤦♀️
“The actual gutting that can be experienced.”
Listening to her reminded me of my pain. Got teary eyed there for a bit.
I totally agree with her and this concept doesn't just apply to infidelity. I was a victim of sexual abuse as a teenager by several different people. One of them approached me as an adult and sincerely apologized for his behavior. We had a long talk. He didn't attempt to lie or make any excuses for his past behavior. It ended up being a healing experience. He is the only one who I have been able to forgive and not continue to hold bad feelings for. With him, it's almost like I have been able to let the experience go. Esther is right, to heal, the one who is at fault must acknowledge the responsibility.
There is a phrase she used in her book that strikes me. She says, some people have multiple marriage with the SAME person and when couples come to her after an infidelity she says to them, your first marriage is over, do you want to have another one?
She is so spot on, the pain, grief, turmoil of when I get intrusive thoughts…flood me and bring me down like I have never felt. This shit sucks.. 😢
If he/she cheated once, there's always the fear its gonna be done again...The trust is broken...
Amazing how every reaction she described as necessary after an affair (by the deceiver) is something I thought is necessary immediately after my ex told me about her affair.
This is really insightful for preparing oneself to enter a relationship with the person we will be with. Love is a skill, not a feeling. It starts with trust in oneself and our partner to receive trust. It takes guts and courage.
I love Esther Perel while I agree with everything she has said. From personal experience it's hard to get back with the person who didn't care enough about your feelings to hurt you so badly especially when you would have been the best spouse to them. I get it forgiving is easy, but it hard to trust or even see the person the same way again. Hence, the reason I will leave a cheating partner to heal sorry I can't deal with the mental trauma.
Trust is like virginity. Once it’s lost it is gone forever.
The pain is very very difficult for me.. God helps me