How Your Childhood Influence The Way You Express Love (love styles)
What do each love styles say about your childhood? Have you ever wondered how your childhood affects your relationships when you grow up? If you want to be more productive, we recommend this game-changing app get.sunsama.com/psych2go ; It's FREE to try out!
When it comes to relationships and dating, everyone has their own way of showing love. According to attachment theory, the things we have gone through as a child, and our childhood trauma can tremendously affect our love styles, attachment styles, and relationships.
Want to learn more about how your childhood can affect your love style? This video is for you: • How Your Childhood Aff...
Credits
Writer: Merinda Quegan
Script Editor: Kelly Soong
VO: Jenny Lea
Animator: Lesly Drue (2nd animation version)
KZhead Manager: Cindy Cheong
Credits:
Neal, J., & Frick-Horbury, D. (2001). The Effects of Parenting Styles and Childhood Attachment Patterns on Intimate Relationships. Journal of Instructional Psychology, 28(3), 178.
Yerkovich, M., & Yerkovich, K. (n.d.). What are the 5 love styles?
Retrieved March 9, 2020, from
howwelove.com/love-styles
Which love style do you relate to most in the video? Comment below, and if you find them accurate!
Ok
You video is amazing , because there cute ❤️
the avoider. its pretty complicated, one of my parents is an absolute shitbag while the other is the best parent ever. they separated recently, and the good parent has custody, so maybe eventually i wont be an avoider anymore
Your the best youtuber how do u make a video about my problem every single time.....
Thank you for making this insightful video! 👏
dear parents, start understanding your children instead of thinking you know everything about them
We have this video: kzhead.info/sun/p6icptqAnH2vqK8/bejne.html
I'll sign on to that.
Omg yes please, let's start a global petition on this! :D
word!!!
dear kids, start understanding your parents instead of thinking that the world revolves around you. It goes both ways honestly
"Every child deserves a parent, not every parent deserves a child"
wish my biological father could read this
Great quote and true.
@@kraz3034 same its tough
I wish my parents followed this
😢
I can to relate to ALL of them! 🙁 I did have a somewhat dramatic childhood and have done so much work to shift out of the unhealthy behaviors but I still struggle in my most intimate relationships. Identifying with those wounds may be keeping me stuck. Now that II’ve identified them here, Perhaps I can send some forgiveness and healing to them. 🙏🏻🌻💕
Same, I feel you. 🤗 I think we need to comprehend our past and our behaviours, don't be obsessed with guilt or blaming, but try to build our life, our emotional and mental balance. We need to understand what love ourselves means and what is healty and constructive for our lives. It's a long tough road, but we can do it. 💪😊
Good for you & good luck 🫂🫂🫶🏽💔❤️🩹
I love the way you put this ❤ I also relate to several
❤
Same
I’m a pleaser and everything said was pinpoint. As an only child, I was always given so much expectations. It wasn’t easy always trying to please my parents. It reached a point where it was mainly about their happiness over mine. 22 years now, I can see it in my relationship. I’m 2 years and 4 months into my relationship, and I must say, just as the video says, I’m fond of sacrificing for my girlfriend. I don’t know, but deep down it feels so much better when she is smiling, so everything possible. Be it, getting into debt or whatever. I’ll sort out my issues later.
Please, just be circumspect. I lost the love of my life to something like this trait. We were together for 6 years and engaged for 3. We tried to build a life together, but life never seemed to let up. I only ever wanted to see her smile, to hear her laugh, and all the while I was falling into a pit of utter misery and self-loathing for my inadequacy. I lost confidence in my appearance when the anxieties of life eventually caused me to develop severe eczema over nearly all of my body. I found myself disgusting, I was in constant pain and discomfort, and hence we lost our intimacy. I couldn't work much due to it and my complete lack of motivation, which only made me think I was more of a failure. I tried to do everything I could for her, to salve her worries and cook her food, do all the little things and make her comfortable, and yet... slowly, the love that was born and cemented in the space of a single day dwindled and died, until we were basically nothing more than roommates. We argued more and more and loved less and less. One day, when I finally thought things might be looking up, she asked me with tears in her eyes if I would sleep in the spare room. That was it. I was blindsided, and I don't know why in retrospect. I couldn't see the wood for the trees. It'll be three years since then this year, and I don't believe I'll ever love again, because every time I try all I can think of is the time I lost my heart and soul to the vagaries of my own mind. It's been so long and it still chokes me up to think of it all. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a chance. Take care of what you need. You cannot help anyone else if you are yourself dying in whatever way. Don't give up on yourself, and remember, there is always hope. That's all the advice of any worth I can offer. I wish you all the luck and all the happiness in the world.
Damn, that must’ve been so tough for you. You’re honestly incredible, despite what you’ve done to yourself. I wish you the best in life, cause there’s still way to go
I so relate!
Am truly sorry to hear that my friend one thing am gonna say don't give up no matter how many mistakes and even if they are so hard to forget just get over them and find a new girl who loves you and that's the important thing considering the time you lost @@ZoopsMind
I relate too,and the part where you said where you will sort out your problems later is especially true. I dont date,but i try to make things better for friends. I would get myself in trouble just to help out my friend even a little,and i wont do that for myself. I know if i get in trouble i can get myself out of it. But then i wonder if my friends are actually friends? Are they just friends because they get things out of me? I will never know
imagine society where parents go to therapy before having a child
I agree and disagree. I didn't know i had some issues until i became a parent. I have been working on breaking cycles and learning to show emotion. I didn't grow up in a home where we hugged or said i love you to each other, being sensitive was viewed as being weak. I feel like i will always be a work in progress.
@@stacyparraguirre9855 i kinda get your view, i think at some point being human will always feel like a work in progress
Oh one can dream I am glad my mom decided to go to a councilor as I was growing a few Mark's from a changing mold
everyone should go to therapy
That sounds lame. Therapy takes years. Passion can die quick like that
1. When your family isn't affectionate, when you rarely receiving hugs, kisses or "I love you" and you grew up don't know how to do those things without being awkward or feeling weird
The weird thing is I somehow get past it or just emotionally detach myself from these memories from childhood, because when I think about them it brings all the pain and negativity back. It makes me push everyone away even though all things are better now that im a young adult. The best thing I can advise to anyone in the same situation is to just let go of the past, make realistic long/short term goals and make it happen. Productivity is a depression killer, But stagnation just keeps the dark cloud floating over you.
@@justincassels5595 pain
Yeah thats me.. if I want to have kisses hugs and I love you's I will have to say it first or do it first..
Istg, some people just say "why are you so rude? You can't give me an hug? It's easy" For me, give an hug is one of the hardest things I can do, and the worst part is that once a friend of mine was crying so I hugged her but she just pushed me away, I'm not blaming her because that was a hard moment for her, but since that day I never hugged again
I’m just not affectionate in general, maybe my family was affectionate but I’m not
"learning to be compliant helped keep any attention off of yourself" dang that took me back
I experienced all those childhood traumas ... Kinda heartbreaking because people often invalidate my feelings when I wanted to share my experiences to them.
Same. Your experiences are valid, your trauma is valid, and your feelings are valid. Stay strong my friend.
It's crazy how your childhood effects your whole life
It really does... i still have some bad childhood memories that affects my life
@@greenstar5800 there with ya but we got this
Cause it’s when your brain develops the most …
It isnt that crazy but ok
It's almost like when they say childhood is the formative years of your life they aren't lying
“Everything else you grow out of, but you never recover from childhood.”
This hits so hard
I am not sure I believe this it is hard to recover but it is not impossible I mean there are residual things left we will not be perfect as we were before but none of us will leave this world without hurt or pain...
what you tell yourself becomes reality
@@cassandercameron888 I honestly think you don't ever recover. You sort of just work around it and sometimes find patches for it. But it is still sort of there
I guess that is true as much as I have worked on myself my mind goes to dark places quite often... even when the darkness is not there anymore
I im late, but I relate to the victim/pleaser. They are both pretty accurate. I grew up with an abusive father and a mom who had been in this abusive relationship since she was 16. So my home was chaotic. I was constantly providing comfort to my mom while my dad would get angry and violent, expecting me to be perfect. I definitely lean more on controllers in romantic relationships and focus on making everyone around me happy at the cost of my own mental wellbeing and happiness.
Same with being a victim/pleaser and leaning on controllers. Also, I hope you are doing great with your family issues!❤
Christ... Can you have all of these? Cause the description of the childhoods was dead on for me.
"People usually saw you as the good kid, rather than receiving comfort from your parents, you may have actually been giving *them* comfort..." *mind blown*
Wait that's illegal- and i felt that so bad
That hit hard
@@justasimpleguy172 same
For me it was "don't disgrace the family name," "always be on your best behavior," "don't embarrass us" etc... But I just realized it was all to make *them* feel better so they could fit in more and not stand out which is a kind of childhood oppression.
Idk it sounds weird that I can relate to all of them except for the controling one
about number 4: being a pleaser is also often a result of growing up in an enviroment where your parents' moods change quickly from calm to angry, so you develop an empathetic mind set, where you try to control the mood of those around you. Growing up you had to sense the atmosphere and know how to act the way that didn't trigger your parents' mood.
thanks for info
this is a 100% me, I even don't come along with people who don't show there expressions openly bc I'm always worried that I'm doing something wrong or I'm a burden to them..
I started crying when I heard that… my mom was loving and caring but she was extremely unstable. She had bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety and often took things out on me verbally and physically. So I look at my relationship today and I notice I do everything in my power to make sure my girl is good, she’s happy, she has everything she needs. I will sacrifice my wants and needs for hers and her sons and sometimes I just feel lost.. I feel I’m just going with the flow to avoid these things and avoid conflict cause to her I’m being sensitive or emotional, same shit my moms would tell me.
I totally get you. I think I'm a combination of 2 and 4
@@gfc_wd0129 I'm really sorry. I wish you could be yourself and not have to worry about all of that. 😔 I also have a lot of the problems your mother has I hope to never take it out on my children because that's what my mother did as well.
I'm definitely a mix between the victim and controller. Coming from a loud home with a lot of constant yelling, I'm afraid of reflecting that pattern onto my partner. I think the biggest thing is knowing we are different people and have the ability to continue to try and shape ourselves to be better for the people we love
That first sentence is ironic.
This looks like an odd but very possible combination of 2 types
Neighbor out of control day and night loud yelling cursing drugs abusive nasty attitude traffic of people even the old parent is always complaining of things no one has a problem with lies very very aggressive don’t have no type of structure such a unhappy life it’s been a surprise to see how people never say I love you never say any loving caring gestures JUST ALL NEGATIVE LIFE STYLE
okay well im the mix of an avoider and a pleaser and its crazy how much ur childhood affects u. i knew that my childhood wasnt good but it still hurts knowing this caused my parents behavior.
Also everyone: One person is not limited to ONE each. One person can have multiple love styles/ Love languages.
I'm a combo of avoider and victim
Yep... pleaser/victim.
Also also... discovering is one thing, but discovery is not definition. You are not defined by your love style(s). We learn these things so we can find balance.
@@uncoeur yup yup. You have to find the source of these behaviors and confront them. Trust I’ve been doing it and I can say, my relationships with people as improve but more importantly, the relationship with myself is strengthened. Self love is important. So what I’ve taught my partner and my friends and (hopefully my family if they weren’t stubborn lol) is find that source of your trauma, then find your love languages, and From there you use those love language (everyone has them. It’s key to how people socialize), use them on yourself. When you do that, I promise you things should get easier. The answers are inside us. So I would say to myself: Learn how to treat myself first so that I know what to do and not to do to others from now on. I hope this helps someone in need. 🙏🏾🧿
@@uncoeur same for me... you're not alone 😭
But I also think that having a bad childhood experience can motivate you to do everything to give the opposite of that lack of love later on
I agree. When youre treated bad, you remember how you felt. So you treat others around you good and kindly so they wont feel the way you did.
some of the stuff you do are things you do unconsciously, yea if you’re abused you won’t want to pass that on to other people but if you were taught love in a way that was manipulative and didn’t know it, you could be emotionally abusive to someone without realizing it
It's where I'm at but there's a lot of flaws you develop and don't even know it. Lots of things you have to fight when you realize the things they gave you to make a healthy realationship
@@whimsygirl333 yes, so true, I see this happening everywhere. It's like the saying hurt people hurt people. 😞
@@obrandondonaldson1208 exactly
I relate to all of these. I have been diagnosed with generalized anxiety, social anxiety and borderline personality disorder. All childhoods described in this video do one way or another resemble my childhood.
The video made me cry as it makes you reflect on yourself, and while the only person I can trust (myself) was working hard on building defence mechanisms, this video spoke to me.
"im sorry..." "ill be better next time..." "sure..." that hitted me hard
It really did though
Me to.
“There won’t be a next time” is also a gut puncher
That hit way to close to home
Me too :'(
If you dont feel like you fit into one single category, its okay. We're humans, we're unpredictable. Your parents may have been both strict and inconsistently present. Causing you to be a mix of a pleaser and a vasilator. I know myself and many others who have shown different characteristics when loving someone. We all have our own unique love style. Whats important is that we do our best to appreciate those who do care about us, and make amends with the past so that we can love them better.
Oh shut up man.
@@spork5528 someone's hurt 🙄
@@ryancommented9172 damn straight.
True. I'm like a mix of the vasilator, the pleaser, and the victim...
Thanks for this! 😊
I'm definitely a mix of the avoider, the victim and the controller. I feel safe whenever i find a mentally relatable video, because people can express their feelings and feel safe
I feel like the pleaser can also stem from having high expectations for yourself. While your parents do have expectations for you to do good, you have expectations for you to do great, and excel. When you don’t meet those you’re hard on yourself and that has a toll on you, so to make yourself feel better you’d sacrifice your well being for your friends or partner(s), instead of worrying about yourself.
Likewise, many parents treat their children, thinking “they're just kids; it's not much big of a deal; they're gonna forget.” And those reckless actions turn out to be the biggest traumas in their children's life. Being a little kid cannot make them less of a human. So, please do treat your children thoughtfully.
I always loved growing up having to hear about how terrible my grandmother treated my mother. Always criticizing her weight, to dismissing everything she always liked or ever wanted to be. Apparently my mother never picked up on the fact that she did the same thing to her children except her favorite as well. Parents never have any idea what impact they have on their children's lives and how much damage they do. I haven't spoken to my mother in 13 years, and only because I told her that if she wanted to talk, she could pick up the phone and call sometimes. Sometimes all kids want to know is that someone cares.
This is so true. When i was very little my mum would hold a baby doll and say something like "I have a new baby now..." I'd cry every time and they'd find it funny. It was just a small joke but I still remember it, and have abandonment issues now. And let's just say I didn't handle it very well when my little sister was born lol.
I hate when parents say “they’ll forget” no they won’t and they will hold resentment. You may think “oh he’s/she is 5 they won’t remember this argument.” Oh they will, more than any other memory from when they were 5 or any other age and it will affect them when they grow up
The axe forgets, but the tree remembers
Most important learning time and programming of the subconscious mind
1. the avoider 0:39 2. the vacillator 1:30 3. the controller 2:37 4. the pleaser 3:41 5. the victim 4:58 I hope I could help!
Thx
Hello there, time traveler
4 days ago🤐🤯
First
Thanks for putting this together!
I'm grossly aware of all these things not just in myself but the people I've experienced. I lose my composure pretty easily and find myself becoming more resentful toward my parents because of the nature of my experiences. Thank you for these videos, without therapy I'm not entirely sure what other way I'd be able to receive this information and unpack the root causes. Forever a work in progress
I felt like I'm everything you just described. my childhood really was something.
This is so so sad, not everyone deserves to be parents.
Most people probably don't
No human could be a perfect parent. That is the reality. We can try but we will fail at one thing or a few hundred. There is only - try. Try to do our best. Every parent is a struggling human too with their own issues from their own childhood and life.
@@niwtru right, but that’s really no excuse to pass on the pain unto generation after generation, and what’s worse is parents like this really ever accept that they weren’t really good parents. The child didn’t ask to be in that position hence why people should first see if they are really ready to have kids and be parents not just go off of how they feel. People can heal first before having children.
@@niwtru But all people could be a better person than they are, Obviously we are not perfect, in fact there will always be dysfunctional families and traumatized children, but that doesn't have to stop you from thinking and healing before doing something wrong to your child. What this channel and many people in many ways are trying to do is to make people understand how the choises that you make as a parent have consequences and how to prevent them, and that isn't useless.
@@niwtru I guess you're right
This also confirms why I never want kids. Trying to break the cycle. Family messed me up so badly that I vowed to myself I would never selfishly put my burdens and baggage on my future kids if I ever thought of having any…
You can get rid of your baggage.
@@shoestring9964 some can sure. Some scenarios you cannot. Some you can ease or control. They do not "go away" you can work at them- like anything else. For me specifically, it's a very long road until that point. ❤ the fact you commented on this and watched this means you are also struggling and I hope that your journey for peace is fast and fulfilling have a wonderful day!
We all somehow effected by family in the past that made us who we are today. It effects the way we act, think and how we raise kids. It's hard to let these negative things we had as a kid go and actually, as the matter of fact, you shouldn't. You should embrace them instead, learn from them, take what's right and discard what's wrong. With what we learned, it's not only for a kid we raise to have a healthy life but also for bringing peace to us addult. Of course, I'm not saying you have to have kids, I'm in no place to tell you what to do. I just want to say there is more than 1 way to end the cycle. It doesn't have to be your own kids you give birth to, it can be any kid that need a healthier life so they won't suffer undeservely what we had to
The fact that you know what you could do and are aware of it shows you know what to do now. You can change it because you are aware of it
Shelby, I’m not going to try and change your mind- but you might find someone that’s absolutely wonderful and would make an amazing parent. Marriage is a team thing, there’s still some hope!😊
The Pleaser hit so hard i couldnt- its so true..
I had a combination of both 2,4 I’m a person that is brutally honest and likes to talk things through. I’ve never been happier in my relationship that I am now.
Let me ask genuinely, do healthy parent and kid relationship even exist? Is there such good parents out there?
Nobody is perfect. There are are only healthier and less healthy parent-child relationships.
I will be the one to say I had loving and supportive parents. Not saying they're flawless but i do feel happy to know they are great emotional supporting parents. Despite that I still am the pleaser type
I have very loving and selfless parents, but they don’t meet all my needs or spoil me. Thanks to my parents, I’m able to grow up healthily in both physical and mental ways
There are good parents and there's also bad kids.
Perhaps the environment where you grew up told you that.
Timecodes for love styles: 0:39 The Avoider 1:29 The Vacillator 2:36 The Controller 3:40 The Pleaser 4:58 The Victim
What if…you’re all of them..
@@annaa8839 this distinction is more of a reference, I think. You can be a combination of any of those personalities, our psyche is a difficult thing sometimes.
Im the pleaser but i had a total victims childhood
All of them
I have All of them, that's pretty concerning
I don’t know if all of these are mostly caused by our childhood/family experiences. I agree that what we learn through our friends, family, and communities as a kid is very influential on our character. However, a lot of the times it is also how we react to certain situations that get us to where we are. Certain factors that can influence how we react to our surroundings is family, friends, communities, even what we see online (especially what we see online). I don’t believe that parental influence is the root cause to a lot of our problems as everyone says they are.
The vacillator was super accurate, I feel like I can put a word to my thoughts and feelings and love life issues, thank you
“Want some of my ice cream? :D” “No, in fact I’m leaving you.”
😂😂😂😂
🤣
LMAO-
I laughed so hard, my sides hurt LOL
LMAO
“...as being fully present is too painful for them.” That hits so deep.
yup. nothings has changed. i still feel the same as a kid, just different circumstances now :(
Same
I tried to relate myself to every other love style and was waiting for a “chaotic home” comment. But it didn’t happen until victim which is probably the one I most didn’t wanna be but it’s true
@@creamofthecrop5868 i wish i became strong from it rather then depressed
Same
Coming from a struggling family ik how it feels to not have fancy things but i pray to god and he answers them and keep pushing me forward to achieve my goal and give my family and other people happiness❤❤
I was able to relate with all of these styles in one way or another. Even though I don't know what to make of myself, I still feel content after watching this video. Thanks.
I was the "good kid" growing up, I had a chaotic family. I'd imagine fake scenarios to escape from my reality, the constant fighting and arguments in my family makes me anxious all the time, I always try to please others to avoid conflict cuz I've seen enough of those, im just tired of people arguing for silly stupid stuff I'd say im a mix of the pleaser and the victim Edit: it's both nice and sad to know that I'm not the only one. Dysfunctional families sucked the life out of us. I hope things would get better, stay strong lads.
I feel that I am much the same. My parents are always arguing and shouting at each other or my brother and I just want to either run away or hide. They also always have tried to pressure me to be a farmer and a Christian, so when I finally told them I wanted to be a tattoo artist and practice Wicca, they were less than supportive, especially of my new practice so I have ended up pretending to be Christian while studying Wicca in secret.
Lately for me, it’s getting pretty chaotic for my family and everyone is on edge. It’s not like I’m afraid of conflict or arguing, it’s more of the fact that I find it pointless and a waste of time and energy. It just gets tiring to avoid conflict all together and it eventually catches up to me and what usually happens is that when I’m in a grumpy mood, everyone else is happy. And whenever I’m in a really good mood, everyone else gets angry over the tiniest damn things.
Same, I'm the oldest of 5 and when we were children, our parents used to fight a lot, my father used to come drunk and fight with my mother, nothing physical but shouting matches were enough, I used to hold my little brothers while we cried on the other room wishing to be somewhere else, now at 30 I can't stand conflict, just to thought of maybe getting confrontational with anyone scares me and I just avoid it at all cost
I get what u mean my whole life my parents guilt trip me for everything I ever did and my "friends" said im such a people pleaser like girl u seam to like me more that way
I can relate. Just know we can all improve and heal God bless this was super informative
I once saw someone online say “it’s not always about the hate that you receive, but the love that you don’t receive” when referring to childhood. That has stuck with me ever since. My parents were never angry or violent around me or with me, and on the surface are supportive. But in reality, it’s because we only have a surface level relationship. They were never hateful towards me, but they weren’t totally loving either. I never felt I could be vulnerable with them because my mum struggled with depression and I had to constantly be aware that if I’m sad, it’ll make her sad. So I have to try and make everything happy, even if I’m struggling. Something I still do today 😅
I understand the last part of this, as someone who put up a happy front so everyone else could be happy (cause my mom was the same way).
@@bubblegumbishonen honestly I've never met someone (online or irl) who's gone through the same thing as me. I always felt like it's a very unique experience, but it is comforting to know I'm not alone in this. I hope you and your mom are both okay, you're so strong to make everyone else happy but know your feelings are also valid and you have to feel them!
@@midnightfandoms8960 Hey no same to you too!! She's a lot better now, but it was rough back when. I'm still a people-pleaser though sadly. Like it's hard for me to even have to leave my job now bc of how much worse my departure is going to make it for my coworkers. I feel really guilty, but I have no other choice but to leave now to keep my sanity.
@@bubblegumbishonen I’m glad to hear she’s better! And yeah I can understand where you’re coming from, but you have to focus on you! Nothing wrong with wanting to make other people happy, but you gotta look after yourself y’know? I’m still learning too but we’ll be okay 😊
@@midnightfandoms8960 Heehee indeed we shall! Thank you :)
imagine having all these styles. I feel so overwhelmed after watching this.
Jeez the avoider one hit home, got me ugly crying. As sad as it is I even made voices in my head to talk to as a child. Its not oh I hear voices I know its me, it was just a way of coping with the loneliness that I still do today. Thank you for this!
This sounds similar to attachment style theory. Its crazy how our relationship (or attachment) to our parents almost predetermines our future relationships
Indeed
There is a school of thought that we spend our adult lives more or less replacing our parents in relationships... If you can get over the "icky part" of the discussion, basically, the thinking is that young women are generally more attracted to men who remind them somehow of their fathers, and young men are generally more attracted to women who remind them of their mothers... I'm not sure entirely on the validity of the thinking, but the existence of such trends is arguable, making it at least worth note. There's likely quite a lot about our formative years (before age 8 or 10 even) that determines a LOT of our adult decision-making paradigms... one way or another. ;o)
@@gnarthdarkanen7464 sounds a bit like Freudian ideas. He's not considered well in psychology these days but I think a lot of the later work by Ainsworth and others draw on that idea that your formative years influence a lot of your life. So I'm sure there's at least some grain of truth in that idea. (I have a psych degree i love discussing these things haha)
Yep! Haven't met someone where it hasn't been accurate.
Depends tho which also includes mental issues and my family has anger issues which is very difficult to put things back together
these pictures broke my heart and i’m currently lying in bed crying over this comic….
Aww I hope you feel comfort and solidarity in that other people relate to you💜 also I love your Lil hamtaro pfp
Right the panels so sad :( all I hope you're doing alright
@@SageAvalon uwu thank you!..i do feel good in this comment section haha
@@iluvu6619 i am!!
Dw I cried over a comic too it's alright to cry
I’m a mix of avoidance and vacillator mostly. My father was unpredictable with his moods and his temper so I was constantly walking on eggshells, especially being the oldest girl in my family. Aswell as that he didn’t show us any sort of physical affection, his way of showing love was to do things for us, like fixing things in the house or driving us places. I struggle a lot with perfectionism now and the anxiety that comes with it. I also tend to sabotage relationships by overanalysing things and then detaching myself emotionally and physically. This has been an eye opener for sure, thank you :)
This answers so much, thank you for the wonderful video.
"pleaser" behavior (both in romantic and other relationships, even professional) is also common in victims of child abuse because they are used to being blamed for everything
Same... Definitely a Victim playing Pleaser to avoid and getting hurt alone. I guess some thing never change..
Being blamed for everything is abuse? I already knew my parents were rarely nice to me but I didn't know some of their behaviour counts as abuse
:'(
This hit home
Mhmm. I used to have a motto in high school and early adulthood. "I want to make everyone happy, no matter what happens to me." That, and every time I was asked out, unless I was already in a relationship, I couldn't bring myself to say no. Like I would feel bad if I possibly hurt someone's feelings with rejection, so I would give everyone a chance even if I knew I didn't like them beyond friendship. Because of that, I was often called "boy crazy" and slut shamed. And even later on, I apologized to a (now ex)-friend because they were upset that I didn't settle down and left my rapist. It was a horrible cycle of being mistreated and then constantly taking responsibility for other people's actions and putting my happiness and safety aside to make sure everyone else was satisfied. And of course, because the world is so full of people and everyone has their own morals, likes, dislikes, etc., it became impossible to keep up with what everyone wanted, and I would lose friends and have people get mad with me anyways. I quite literally shut down and isolated myself from society because I couldn't handle being used anymore. It was like no matter how much of myself I gave away, it was never enough. I wasn't enough. And I learned slowly in my isolation how unfair it was. That nobody deserves to be abused and treated that way. Unfortunately though, now that I've reworked my priorities and gained self-worth and set high standards for human connection, along with Covid, I've found that I've been isolated for entirely way too long and don't know how to look for the right people. I barely got any friends and don't know how to human. Guess all I can do is try and hope. I'll figure it out eventually. 😂
“I grieve for younger me. You deserved better and you really didn’t know.”
So true 💓
Neither did they.
Ok this made me tear up so badly
my childhood was basically a mix of the first 4 but i grew up to be a pleaser, i wanted everyone around me to be happy and like me so id be recognized as their friend, but as i make them happy its slowly destroying me, i always let them vent even though i am not even comfortable with it, i just have a huge problem with saying no because im afraid that they'll leave me because of it. I did almost everything for my friends and its safe to say its worth it, if i was ever sad physical touch was what comforts me, and even tjo my parents were never there, my friends never failed to make me happy, ive been through some stuff, i know not like others but i still have conflicted emotions emotions over this. I am 13 i only had one wish my whole life, if only i had a better childhood just imagining a life where my parents werent so busy and if they didn't prioritize how the public looks at them over me instead they just learned to love me like any other normal parent would with their child 😕
I resonate the most with avoider. I never really understood why I was this way until a conversation about my childhood was brought up. My parents aren’t exactly neglectful, but they’ve gone through divorce and I lived with my mom. She’s a very loving person but back then she would lock herself every night to cry. And I would be in the living room watching TV, listening to the sound she makes. Now that I think about it, it’s probably quite traumatizing for a child. But I got really desensitized/detached and probably took that self-soothing technique into adulthood.
Can relate myself 100% in the “pleaser” explanation… mind blowing…
Same 😕. How did you get 44 likes in 4 hours though on a/an old video?
Me too!!
Same
No, that's just you being a narcissist convincing yourself you do it for others but really it's to get glorified and revered by the ones around you as their savior of some sort.
@@gvs6462 no there is people who are genuinely not narcissists and still do this stuff
Im definetely a pleaser, and my scenario was perfectly described.. not only did it make me feel like i wasnt good enough, i also developed a phobia of failure.. thanks a lot parents 😀
Same for me, no matter how much I did, my parents were never happy. They always compared to me to other kids always pointing out my failures.
I am a pleaser too... Do you guys constantly feel insecure due to that ? Did you try to change or did you stick to that behavior ? Thank you.
'Pleaser' just need to find his 'victim' and live in harmony.
@@arena.f Hey! Now that I clearly now the reason of my insecurity I am trying to change it. Whenever (almost everything) I feel insecure oor I am not good enough to pull this up, I tell myself and so it anyways with that fast beating heart😂. Tbh I am noticing change in my behaviour already.
*know
Just had a conflict with my husband and this video came as a nice guidance. I am the vascilator. I have the most loving husband and today I got upset because he judged me about my eating something unhealthy. It felt like an endgame to me. I feel so disrespected because even though I have told him to never comment on my food, he judged me and then told me how wrong it is to eat something I was trying for the first time. He is the controller. This video helped me understand why he wants things a certain way and why he suddenly feels angry. Now I am less angry with him. Thank you for making such educating videos.
Okay but can we talk about how the "avoider" child scene where the child is crying holding on to its stuffed animal lowkey made me cry so hard
that hit hard..
Omg finally someone states the fact. I literally felt so bad for him.
I JUST SAW THAT PART😭 it made my eyes water omfg
People feel bad for fictional characters but don't give a s* about actual kids going to sleep like that tonight. Just imagine and think about one particular kid crying itself to sleep in Syria or Palastine tonight or anywhere else.. And go donate or do something. Maybe just spread a word if you can't do more. Thank you 💞
Me too. I thought it was just me. 😢💔
The “pleaser” one definitely struck a cord. I’ve always been the family therapist and if ever I didn’t meet the standards expected even if it wasn’t big, the disappointment of my parents would eat me alive.
Same for me. Being the oldest I was always the mediator for conflicts between my parents and siblings. I always try to make everyone else happy because I hope someday someone will do that for me.
And everyone you can help says 'Your girlfriend/boyfriend must be so happy to have you' but for me it feels like noone wants to have a pleaser as partner.. So i hate to always be the nice guy..
@@interceptor5645 Same for me. I always get friendzoned :( I am also an introvert 😅
@@aloneagainst8052 Me too ☹
@@setjprechel7411 oh i agree, we tend to say its fine just for the sake of everyone around you will not be burdened by what you'll feel. But you're secretly seeking for someone who can give that same amount of care you have given to others.
Mine is the victim...my dad killed my mom at 5 y.o. and then he committed a su1cide when i were 8 y.o. and im still traumatized, my boyfriend saw it and when i told him, he promised me that he will do everything to fix it and make happy atleast with him ❤ I LOVE HIM SO MUCH, EVEN IF WE'RE IN TWO DIFFERENT COUNTRIES, DIFFERENT HOURS, DIFFERENT LIFE WITH A SINGLE HEART ❤❤❤❤❤
Oh gosh, i totally relate with the vacillator and the pleaser. My Dad was the one who was always coming and going in and out of my life, he wasn't reliable, he still isn't reliable. And my mom is the one that always had so much expectations for me, didn't help when teachers and other adults added to that expectations, and even today she is so critical of me. Its like a meme i saw once; "My father screw me by not being there and my mom screw me by being there"
I felt a little bit like each.. *earns the worst kind of cape*... Yay....
Like a Sky: Children of the Light Cape?
I feel almost the same way 💀
High five?
@@Psych2go that finished him off 💀
@@sierraandreason1667 G A S P I LOVE THAT GAME 💕💕💕💖💖💖
"Ever use your imagination to escape the negativity surrounding you?" This hit deep because I fear my unstable emotions so much that I practice escapism often and immerse myself in video games.
im sorry ;( are u seeking help?
@@userm180 i just wanted to say i love how you go around offering help, thank you for what you’re doing
@@Tata-yy2jf awwwww thank u love!! have a great day
For me it was books.
Bruh i started playing genshin impact. Shits hit the fan fr
My fiance was an avoider, when we first started dating, he doesn't show much emotions and would be angry if I cried. Or he didn't want to try to understand why I got late when we plan something. Sometimes he will never tell people if he got problems. He wanted to solve it himself. It was so hard to tame someone like him, but now he tried his best to tell me if there is something weighing in his mind or heart and he rarely got angry if I turn emotional. I became his supporter, and always give my shoulder to lean on. He trusted me, starting to be more open towards me and that made me happy. 🥰
This is what my teacher showed us.. I almost cried but held it😭
“Did you ever use your imagination to escape the negativity surrounding you?” This is why now, as a teenager I find it hard to cope with real life because I know that no matter how hard I want to escape I can’t.
learn to shift realities, trust me its worth it ;)
Books,movies,dramas,art and music were my escape
All these from Beth helped me in my childhood and teenagehood, but especially creating and roleplaying characters has really helped me a LOT in my adult life. Sometimes it's easier to be somebody else and to live in someone else's story.
@@sassylittleprophet true all these helped as well because I've read thousands of minds and characters because of books which made me become mature at a young age since I am the eldest ,with high expectations, apologizing when it's not even my fault the pressure is sometimes too hard to handel.my parents are good people even tho I kept blaming them in my heart but I also realized that they also didn't know how to Express themselves since they both had a tough background. When I'm in school I felt like a kid again but when I come home I felt like a 3rd parent.im trying to act my age since I'm still a minor , I don't want to become an adult yet 😂 so I guess it goes both ways.i feel old writing this lol I'm still in HS.thank you stranger
@@mai5332 how 😭😭
4. I had to be a "perfect child" or a "mini adult". Nothing could be wrong because I was "an example" to other kids. My parents were also overprotective and that creates insecurity on your own abilities. Now I do therapy and I'm finally making peace with my vulnerable and human side.
Same
@@marianavicelli853 I hope you can make changes and feel happy :)
Congratulations! I hope you continue to grow and feel better with yourself 😄
Same and when you weren't you weren't there kid
This just...made me cry. I sorr of flip flop between "the controller", "the pleaser" and "the victim". And sbout their childhood, it's..just blatantly true. It just refreshed memories of many bad childhood days.
Never felt afraid hurt or angry as a child No hugs or kisses either but I knew my parents loved me the good old wholesome days
This is just sad, I feel bad for every child who grows up like this but applaud the adult that gets therapy for it. We can't control the past. Stay strong.
And even with therapy it will hurt as hell, you won't have those negative ways of doing things, but it will hurt you remmeber those times forever..
And i know it from my own experience.
@@rubyfx1 its true :( but at least it can get u through it in a healthier way.
@@userm180 More for anothers than you but yeah, i guess..
Thank you, 5 years of therapy and still traumatised 🤡
My jaw dropped to the core of the earth when they described the avoider. The accuracy was immaculate! My childhood wasn’t the worst in the world, but let me just say, emotions are NOT my thing!
Not *yet*. Open up, buddy. It will make life better for you. 😇
us moment
me too bro it felt surreal
same I literally looked like a skull with broken jaw
Mutual agreement here***
Based on this video I am a pleaser and the childhood story from this video is just a copy of my life. My dad was never present, so I was basically raised by mom and she was in a complete control of my life, deciding what was right and what wasn't. Now I am learning how to live for myself, but it's surprisingly accurate.
Now, i understand myself so much, this video is so value, many thanks ❤
You know it hits worse when you can't recall when your parents did such things but you have more than 1 love styles morphed. Perhaps it's denial and a coping mechanism unfortunately :(
ME ASF, I was like "that really sounds like me" to 3 of them holy shit
Or honestly, a lot of people have at least some of these traits, fears, etc. and it’s not always because of some hidden childhood trauma. Wanting to be controlling or needing a lot of personal space isn’t always an indicator that you were neglected or unsafe
A lot of my issues are from people outside if my family. My family isn't perfect but the most hurt came from outside the home. I definitely have all these styles mixed together, weird situation.
Yup I am a pleaser and a victim and when it seems like a peaceful relationship I turn into a controller when I do not have much Conflict which for me is alarming for me... irrational and emotionally charged easily lead into creating chaos especially if I do not get my way... nothing subtle about that
Me. I feel like a combination of some, but cannot relate my parents being any of what was mentioned. It is it just me possibly
You nailed me to the wall with the vacillator: my mother was unpredictable with her temper. One minute she could be smiles and hugs, and the next explosive with anger. I even had a mantra as a kid, "If I wake up and mom is yelling at my brother, the day will end in laughter. But if I wake up and mom is happy, I'm gonna go to bed in tears." No wonder I idealize the "perfect relationship".
Same.
god that hits so hard, i was looking for someone else with the vacillator type 😭 i come up with this happy little image of being with someone, and then i always tend to pick apart and lay out the “pros and cons” of a new love interest as if i’m trying to prepare myself for the worst
Gosh this is so me😢😅
"if my mom is happy, the day will end in tears" NAILED IT, RIGHT ON THE DOT
@@alyziawildes5074 oml I have been hunted, identified, attacked , roasted on open flame, enjoyed with a fine chianti ⚰️
I feel like I relate to a bunch of them, and it talking about the parents really lines up too
Considering that I'm still somewhat of a child (13) I have no clue why I keep watching these videos. But something about them grabs my attention, makes me think about myself, and causes me to reflect on things from the past that I should have confronted sooner. After this reflection, I found that I seem like a pleaser. I am seen as intelligent, and I get very good grades due to high standards and supporting parents. I feel like I should still try to make others happy, and I hide my own issues with myself, masking my feelings and trying to have a good time. It's only when I'm alone or under intense stress that I feel a need to let myself out.
Hey! It's good reflecting yourself at such a young age. You have so much more potential dealing with such stuff when you grow older! My respect to you ^^
@@lunalost Thank you, I really appreciate it. I was going through a bit of a dark time recently and I needed something to help, so I started watching these videos. Glad at least somebody saw it
@JoeMama-Lol You're welcome! Sometimes it takes some time to find something fitting which can help you in such times. I'm 22 and I can tell you, until now, I always found something and things always got better! In Germany we say: "After rain, the sunshine follows" I strongly believe in this. :) Wish you a good day!
the entire time i was like "Oh yea, that fits!" And then seeing the parents stuff "Oh nope, my parents didnt do that" Im somehow a mix of the pleaser, the last one and first one 🤷🏼♂️
i felt like pleaser, then indecisive, then the victim probably fit me best, although going through this i was like "yep my parents were like that, and that.. and that, and that, and that." xD
Well I'm all and not because of my parents but because of ✨trauma✨ Not their fault tbh I was just at the wrong palace and wrong time a lot of the times
@@sch00lgirll same but my friends helped me stay happy more than my parents
@@s.s9544 Im sorry to hear that you had to go through trauma and that you didn't had your parents to fall back on. If you need a talk I'm here. Maybe things are better now. Maybe not. Just know I'm here. I don't want anyone to go trough trauma. That shit is hard. And sometimes you never can heal completely so yeah I'm here for you when you need me! (I know I'm a stranger but sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger)
Same
I'm a mix between the pleaser and the victim. My parents always fought when i was young, and they always expected good things from me but i'm too afraid to try and do something because i'm afraid that i can't be good enough and disappoint them. I try my best to make people feel happy but suddenly i ask myself "what if they are not happy with me?" or something like "What if they don't want me around them?" I feel like i don't belong anywhere and i ask myself "Would they be more happy when im gone..?" My imagination feels like the only place i can be free and happy. But the problems don't disappear, they grow bigger and bigger and i feel like i can't handle them. I don't show others when i'm sad, I always pass it off by smiling and saying I'm fine because I know they can't solve my problems.
I don't know who you are, but I am the exact same way as you are... I always hold in my bad emotions and try my best to make others happy and I always feel like if I'm not making them laugh or be happy enough, that they'll toss me away like garbage :(
I was like that for a long time, and still have to remind myself to not use unhealthy coping mechanisms or habits. I'm so lucky to have met my husband when I did. I had started going to a counselor and working through a lot of trauma. He's been there for me. We've had misunderstandings and miscommunications through out the years, but he's been one of the only people I chose to take a chance on and open up. In return, he's been able to open up to me. I'm not over being the "goodie two shoes" and still have trouble making real connections with people, but I've made it through more than I thought possible. I'm far happier than I ever thought I could be. And that matters. I'm improving. Sry for the long comment. I guess I mean to say that I hope everyone like us can find happiness, too.
same
same...
Same here!!!
i kinda relate to all. I've experienced all types of abuse (sexual, emotional, mental, physical, etc) since i was born so i guess i had quite an unstable childhood. sometimes i ask myself, will future me no longer need to recover after everything that happened😢 keep yourself safe, everyone!❤
Mines kind of…a mix of all. Parents were chaotic, overprotective in some ways, angry and a controller in most, and would always complain and give negative feedback. There was almost never any comforting, it was just screaming and yelling. Didn’t help the fact that the relationships between them, my mother and a couple of men with one in particular, were exasperating, exhausting, and downright traumatic. With the only constant parent who stayed, being busy most of the time….I pretty much became a people pleaser, a slight victim, and especially the vacillator. However, the thing that I became the most of was touch-starved. I really hoped that might have been explained, but luckily, this video did give me more insight to myself.
Childhood is the most important part of a human’s life, it’s the involvement that makes us who we are!
To you maybe, to me no childhood was the worst a very bad stage for me most days, I can't think of any good days, other people have to tell me in order for me to remember otherwise it's was just the normal day in and day out routine, deal with a family who would have rather watched me and my sister die while my father did abusive things and my mother letting him still live with her knowing he was a horrible person along with a lot of other very traumatic things going on outside of it all
@@deathinsanity666 sounds like you normalized the trauma :(
@@samlafontaine8552 it's what you do in order to survive the worst days that would come but it would cost me to never sleep properly and have to cry myself to sleep a lot. Normalizing it only put me in a numb feeling that now lingers into different emotions without my control. So in reality I still have to pay the price and I still choose to try to forget what happened to me even though I still see the memories that traumatized me the most
Crazy how accurate this was. This actually explains a whole lot
This was accurate for you but it's likely very wrong, there is not a single source in the video. Moreover, the video talk about determinism but this is more like a possible reason.
I have a good relationship with my parents. I mean, they love each other still, they raised me old school and taught me that the world is rough and we gotta be strong
To see this video mimicking the things I do it’s awakening.
I kinda experienced all of them... And yes I had every sign of who I turned out to be 1. Avoider 0:40 (I relate to this the most) 2. Vacillator 1:30 3. Controller 2:37 4. Pleaser 3:40 5. Victim 4:57 - I grew up without parents because they needed to work... So yeah I learned how to be independent and not care about what I'm feeling because there is no one there to ask what I'm feeling. They were also not there when I needed them the most... Especially when I felt horrible that's why I learned how to just suppress my feelings and always say to myself that I need to be strong because my parents are working hard for me and thought also appeared where I said to myself... If I don't work hard, my parents will abandon me - My sense of security was destroyed at the age of probably 9 when I was touched by a stranger inside our house without my consent, I could feel what that person did but I couldn't move nor do anything. And yes no one was there for me and if I shared about that experience... I'll get judged and I was scared of that because they always judged me. (My parents are working so they were not there) I still haven't told this to them but I probably would never since I have moved on already and healed from it - Also grew up with a caretaker who expects you to be an adult...(Has a high expectations too) and criticized you a lot even for your small mistakes. From that small mistake, you'll get punished lmao (I became a perfectionist because of this haha, and a pleaser) - Grew up in a chaotic place where people are very angry and violent which stresses me out because of their loud voices and things being thrown away. Addicts and people who use marijuana were the ones who I grew up with too but never attempted to also do it (These people can't control their anger) and that's why I try to imagine fun things when I was a child to escape from reality or just draw and animate -I can still go on haha but this is the end- I have already fixed myself (not sure if I'm completely okay but I feel like I am now) and was able to see these flaws back when I was still 13 (watching this video just reminded me of my past just how pathetic I was) I'm 16 now and I'm glad that I don't do these kinds of toxic things anymore because I wanted to change when I was 13 and the reason was because of 3 girls who took advantage of my people pleaser self and humiliated me and even crossed my boundaries like I was just a toy I've been doing great now because I don't stop trying to improve myself and even fix myself all over again I've been also seeing other people as my past self. Thanks for reading all the way through though, I really appreciate it 💓 (I guess I vented out my frustration from the past)
Thank you for sharing It's been inspiring
My story is quit similar to urs… what are the practices u use to ‘fix’ yourself, apart from therapy?
Nushi Manuela, I do arts Ever since I was a kid I always drew what I felt, and talked to myself (self-reflecting or something) And was always alone, always liked to look at nature to calm me down I also write a lot and read
@@iluvarts2248 Thanks for sharing. You’re just 16 and have a lot of growing to continue to do. Take good care of yourself when no one else will and continue therapy. You’ve got this.
The fact that you have such a mature and self-aware mentality is truly amazing. As I read through your comment, I felt almost as if I was reading about my own similar experiences. I am truly sorry that you had to go through all of that (I’m sorry to EVERYONE and truly am so heartbroken that so many of us have been caused such deep pain and suffering while we were only children…) I completely understand if this may creep you out or something similar, but I was wondering if you would be interested in talking with me sometime. Not in a stalker “I wanna know everything about you” kind of way. But in an honest and genuine conversation kind of way. I went through a lot of stuff in my past (and presently dealing with some major issues) as well and would not only like to get to know your perspective on certain things, because like I said, you seem very self-aware and mature for your age and I am trying to figure out what a younger me would think. Not saying that you are DESTINED to be like me because I believe you would be so much better by the time you’re my age (oh, I’m almost 23 now… I know this makes it creepier that I’m almost 7 years older than you…. Sorry…). I did want to pick your brain a little bit, yes. But I also wanted to talk and give you a little advice and support from someone who not only admires the impact of psychology, but also went through some of the things you have and may be able to offer some additional perspectives and insights. Now I just wanted to reiterate: this is ENTIRELY your decision and I promise that I will not get angry if you ultimately choose to decline. I mean you no harm, I swear. And with you being 16, there is a lot of fear for you and those who care about you, I know. But I am not just some creepy old dude trying to find my way to your heart. Lol, I do feel like my back may be from an old man but otherwise I am in no way trying to pretend to be something or someone I am not. I am willing to do whatever it is that you would need to feel safe because I get that you never know who you can trust anymore. I at least for sure knew that I didn’t at that age and even now. But back to the point, I do not want to cause you worry or harm. I simply think that I would benefit from hearing your perspective on present situations, and I believe (and really hope) that I could offer some helpful advice for things that you may need. But again, you are 1,000,000,000% allowed to tell me no and that you’re not interested. I will respect your feelings and would appreciate the honesty. If nothing else, I hope that you could at least walk away feeling more confident in yourself and in that someone else out there does understand what you are feeling. And if you ever decide to chat, let me know! I know I ranted for-freaking-EVER lmao but I do appreciate you taking the time to read this and whatever you decide, I know that you will be making the best choice possible for yourself and your loved ones. I do appreciate your time and patience with me, and I hope you have a great day, week, month, year, et cetera lol!! Signed, Jamiella “Jamie” Karim P.S. If you do decide that you would like to chat and I have not responded, you are welcome to send me a text at ➕1️⃣-3️⃣1️⃣8️⃣-7️⃣7️⃣2️⃣-7️⃣4️⃣8️⃣5️⃣ which is a secondary phone number to keep myself from giving out personal info on the internet.
I appreciate how in this video the negative behaviors aren't shamed. Instead, it's looked at why people behave a certain way. Why people hurt others. Because it's not pure ego or evil intentions. It's a form of self protection.
I think having a little bit of the pleaser style is always good, making sure your significant other is happy, and sometimes sacrificing small things to have your partner be happy, as long as they do the same in return, and it is an equal balance.
God you pulled that pleaser description straight outta my head. My mom was always an unpredictable and angry mess, I did her bidding just to simply keep the peace as long as possible, but one minor slip up? And she would often blow up to the point of slamming doors, and I have witnessed her break things on occasion. Shit was awful and I've become such a goddamn doormat now just to avoid people giving me a negative reaction, it's very difficult to unlearn. Parents really need to believe in therapy and actually attend it before even considering having a child, it's hell on the child otherwise.
I've become "The Pleaser" in almost every aspect of any relationship I've been in, whether it was romantic or platonic. I was scared of someone I saw as important being angry or even just disappointed, so I often sacrificed my own happiness and comfort to make sure they were happy. Thankfully, my current boyfriend has helped me and taught me that I have the right to my own happiness. He's been very patient and he's even helped me communicate more. I'm finally at a point where I not only put myself first now, but can also tell someone why instead of throwing myself under the bus.
That’s beautiful
I hope i find someone but honestly, sometimes i feel like i don't deserve love. I'm just not cut out to be loved
@@shuvayougoswami1162 everyone deserves love, everyone
@@shuvayougoswami1162 it’s complicated and messy, but so is everything else in life. I hope you can put your heart out there and find someone who makes you feel worthy of the whole world
Ok
This is why I won’t have kids until I’m older. The amount of attention a kid needs is so much it’s kinda overwhelming.
This is true I am now in my thirties and children are not looking to be a reality... because my patience hasn't grown in years and the fact how I deal with conflict is alarming i tend to get loud and become irrational
This video is so informative! Thank you
This is very accurat. My friend is an introvert because her parents didn't pay a lot of attention to her. I'm someone where I grew up with no one protecting me so I try to control what happens around me. But also be careful genes also effect behaviors. For example my mom was also controlling so I assumed that being controlling was in my genes, but I found out that my mom had the same life as me (somewhat). I'm more like my dad who goes with the flow so that also helped me understand. This episode shows a lot of truth through my research, I walk around making everyone my friend and eventuality they tell me there stories.
I relate to all five. I grew up in a big house with four sisters and separated parents. I was the youngest of my family and thus I kind of manifested all of my siblings as some kind of parental figures as well as my birth parents and their new spouses. Each of my family members are so different and due to that, I've developed a whole mix of personalities. I act completely different depending on who I'm with and I don't actually know who I am anymore because I'm constantly trying to lie and pretend when around those I love as to not disappoint them. That may make me sound like a pleaser but I also accidentally use anger as a defense mechanism so I end up disappointing most of them anyway. You can't forget all of my cousins either. My favorite cousin is definitely a pleaser and was unfortunate enough to grow up in a horrible home. She is a very fragile person and cries quite easily due to the fact that she bottles everything up constantly, we're similar in that way. However she never uses anger as a defense mechanism and she's very gentle and kind. I try my hardest to not lash out at her and to keep my cool. I try to be someone she can confide in whenever she needs one but that always backfires because I never have anyone to confide in. Whenever I need to deal with feelings, I just lock myself in my room and turn to food, movies, shows, and games to kind of ignore my feeling and emotions in a way. I used to find myself constantly watching horror movies as to try to scare myself because adrenaline helped me feel less sad but nowadays I find myself feeling barely anything at all. I usually only feel sadness, anger, or just nothing. I haven't had a good dream in years. I only ever have nightmares or just no dreams at all. My nightmares scared me at first but then I quickly got used to them and soon enough, they stopped bothering me! But lately my nightmares have been more realistic and I'm scared all over again. When I used to sleep in my room, weird things would always happen. I would wake up in the middle of the night constantly, I would hear footsteps around my bed as I sleep, I would see glowing eyes peeping at me through the key holes, and sometimes I would even hear whispers. The worst part is that the door to the attic is in my room, right in front of my bed so I have to stare at it every night before bed. All of these experiences obviously scared be but due to the kinds of people my family is, I can't tell any of them for many different reasons, so I just resorted to sleeping on the living room couch! That was completely off track, I apologize. Going back on track: I relate so much to each love style. I have all five love styles. Anyway- thanks for reading my little rant! Goodbye! 💜😅😚✌
i love the fact that you’re so open to sharing💕
awe... dont let the demons in your mind get to you, Ik it may be hard to deal with everything, me relating to a lot of what you said. But you, and everyone reading this, have got to leave your past behind you, stay positive, work on your struggles (with someone would be more beneficial), and keep pushing forward to better yourself. No matter what is holding you back, and no matter what happens just know that no one is perfect, and everyone has their struggles. One thing that really helps me, even though it may not for you, is talking about your struggles, problems, or whatever may be bothering you with a close friend. I dont have anyone like that irl, so I resorted to online relationships with people, and talking to someone you really can trust, and who you know will support you, really helps. Thanks for sharing, and I hope you better yourself... much love❤️ Also if you or anybody wants to talk abt something, im here, Ill be available, Ill link my discord, insta, etc on my channel if anyone wants to talk😊
Thanks for sharing, I hope everything gets better!
Pretty sure we’ve had the same childhood and I relate to all 5 and have all these love styles
Happy to know that u r so open to share your emotions By the way where r u from? If u r comfortable with it.
I’m #4. The Pleaser. This video is scarily accurate to me. My parents were all three of the things listed. Overprotective, Angry, and critical. perks of being homeschooled- conflict is a huuuge trigger, so avoiding it at all costs is a number one priority. If i have to lie or deceive my friends so they think everything’s fine, or if someone else wants to do something, or if there’s something going on, avoiding is and making everyone fine is more important than anything else. EDIT : WOAH. HOW TF DID I GET 452 LIKES!? Thankyou all so much!
Me too pleaser
pleaser gang
Hey fellow homeschooler.
Wait for me 🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️...yeah pleaser gang🙋🏻♀️😌
I’m the same way. Unfortunately, I had to learn through a rather traumatic experience that this way of living is awful and exhausting. We become very easy to manipulate. Setting boundaries are so important! Being a pleaser is a very difficult habit to break I know, but it’s so worth it. My friends help me the most with this because I’ve communicated this problem and I have to learn to say no, so you could practice that with your friends!
I’m both a pleaser and an avoider. My home was more about being independent but always relying on me to make everyone else feel better.
I’m a pleaser and this wasn’t from my parents. I forced it upon myself due to desire to relate. I was around people with that these types of families and saw all that on the internet. So I often dig too deep into myself and my experiences to find common ground or, even force it. I’ve built my brain in a way that is incredibly self-destructive, so I could understand others. This ties into my guilt when others have “worse” problems than me.
As someone with parents who alternated between being extremely loving and being physically and verbally abusive at the flip of a coin, vasilator makes so much sense. Your mind plays tricks on you trying to convince you you're truly unlovable and will never feel complete with the person you know deep down you love and don't want to lose. Still, you'll be almost all too willing to be the one to walk away from it, like you see the other person is as unpredictable as your parents were. You know you're the unstable one and the only thing you can do is try to get control of your negative thoughts about yourself and your relationship so you don't unintentionally sabotage the happiness you've built by walking away because of minor differences.
*Parent pulls you by the arm to your room to shout at you for not doing your chores* "MuH PhYsiCaL aNd VeRbAlL AbUsE" *Meanwhile, in Africa, some parents is beating their child senseless with an oxydated metal rod before they slash the child's back with a machete to leave marks as a reminder*
I can relate so much of this. I am mostly a victim though the rest I can partly relate too. My mother left me be to myself if she is not blaming me for something. The way I got treated in school from mostly females made not having much trust in females too. This days I keep at my Grandmother mostly to myself because I just want to have my peace because I can not really connect to others. I have no real dreames as my mother in her behavior that she is the one with Salomon's wisdom made sure that all what could be interpreted as a job wish is extinguished with the first spark so I do her ideas of job. And now with all my dream bubbles where popped and all her ideas killed the virus I just hope that this Pandemie will keep on decades and mutate so much that all the vaccines turn ineffective so that I can just live on as I have no ideas what to do.
This right her bro.. like this explains me so much that it makes me cry..
How do you love a person like this, because i was doing literally everything for her and she still walked away, knowing preety well that we were happy together? Or what do you do, u give her space or what, my mind is fried but i know this isn’t her fault for doing me this Way.
🤧
i’m definitely an avoider. there’s not 1 single person in my whole entire life that has ever seen me cry and honestly that’s so sad to think about. I always keep my feelings to myself and never open up to anyone. My parents were awesome and i’m not disappointed in the way they raised me at all but they just weren’t affectionate with my siblings and I and that’s why I feel really awkward hugging, kissing or saying I love you to someone
Do you think that the most accurate measurement of courage expressed is being vulnerable in telling the account of your life to feel free to grow outside of your comfort level to express affection for others in boundaries of self-respect and respect for others of course. If you ask the person or people you know if they would accept a hug ?
Im the same too
yeah same, i just can't invest my feelings in somebody so quickly, (my friend of 3yrs ghosted me and i just felt nothing) not even my parents yet// just wondering if i can ever get to experience true love, or be able to invest my feelings
Me 2 however I'm a avoider and a pleaser. I grew up being taught independence and with a controlling parent not parents but 1 adult. No one ever sees my true emotions, I'm independent but I always try to please others (not on purpose , I often choose the opposite of what I really feel).
Me too
I'm a pleaser, I believe. I show my affection through buying things for people and doing it to the point that I could buy them a $50 t-shirt and be fine with it. But gifts don't make me feel loved, I only feel loved in a relationship through praise and physical affection like hugs, kisses, and cuddles. Luckily I have a great partner who understands me.❤
As a child, there are 3 things that make me cry. 1 betrayal,2 PREASURE,3 anger(i am to angry so i start to cry)and the words i remember are "what’s your problem?!" What you are doing is stupid" "i don’t care about what you think about___!". When he would tell me to do work we never did in class one question wrong and the words that would come out are"you are making me angry. I bet he couldn’t accomplish something as a kid so he needs me to do that and i know its nothing about being a singer…