How to Transform Your Betrayal and Relational Trauma
Dealing with betrayal trauma, as well as relational trauma, is awful and confusing. One moment we feel okay; in the next moment, we feel completely disoriented, and we can’t seem to make sense out of the pain and uncertainty we are experiencing. Today Samuel wants to encourage you with a direct, heartfelt, and poignant talk about how to transform your trauma and heal, even when you don’t feel like doing the heavy lifting of repair work.
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“The Recovery Library gave me 24/7 support because I could be up at 3am and search for the topic I was struggling with. It also helped as a couple because we could investigate topics together so it wasn’t subjective. I trusted this information because it was from professionals who also had lived through and recovered from infidelity. Double credibility in my book.”
- Amanda, Florida
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairrecovery.com/our-blog. He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
There is pain on both sides, wayward pain can have started way before they even got caught. The betrayed as well, but their daily pain can be the worst pain they could ever imagine. I rather give natural child birth again daily then this pain as a betrayed.
I agree at least your body starts to heal after.
Totally agree. 20 years later from d day has been terrible. I'd rather deliver my children Naturally again than go through this humiliating, humbling experience and even though I know my husband is faithful I'm still wondering if it was worth staying. I hate still feeling like the unappreciated doormat
The unfaithful always have a hard time seeing the betrayed POV. They have low empathy, which is part of the reason for the infidelity in the first place, mind you. They see THEMSELVES as the victim. It is maddening! And it derails repair so much so that it probably leads to divorce more often than not. Unfaithful please listen...cut the crap! You did this, own it, be sorry for it and be sorry for the partner you hurt, not YOURSELF! Please pull your heads out of your asses!
I am 15 months out from discovering my husbands affair. Though we are choosing to reconcile, my feelings towards him are completely different. I’m still hurt. I still haven’t forgave and im still on the fence with staying. We have been through counseling, marital and individual and I think there’s too much damage done to continue the relationship. These videos have been helpful but I think they are pushing me to step away from my marriage, heal and find happiness elsewhere.
What did you decide? Are you happier?
Just wanted to let you know that your videos helped my husband get out of the fog of gaslighting and blaming me for his wrong doings and actually put in work to keep our family together.. he is in a better place thanks to your videos! Thank you!
so glad i could help and i'm honored to be a part of your story my friend. thank you so much.
Yes. Regardless of what side you are on, infidelity is gut-wrenching!
Please don’t ever stop doing your videos. Plug your ears when people talk crap, please. I feel so heart broken and alone. On the days when it is all to much and I wish there were arms to hold me, praise music, sermons, and affair recovery videos are the words that turn to arms and hold me while I’m sobbing. Don’t ever stop.
so kind of you. means so much to hear that.
My husband is still the victim after i found out about his betrayal. Two affairs i found out about January 2021. January 2022, he did it again. I've been trying to help him. But I'm done. He keeps being the victim. Actually blaming me because I spoke up. He has Borderline Personality Disorder, Bi Polar, Narc, and ADHD, as per our psychologist. He had intensive therapy in a clinic July 2021. I'm giving up. He doesn't do any thing from his side to "win me back". He has a me, myself and I attitude. My feelings mean nothing.
i'm so sorry. get help for you my friend. you need help to heal from what you've been subjected to.
So understand 🙏💜
Wow Jeanette you are a brave person!! I have pretty much the same situation except for the professional diagnosis and treatment! It’s good to know there might be a light - you who I has done everything and is now done!! Thank you.
Dr. Ramani is a great resource on personality disorders on you tube. She’s a psychologist and has a great community created for survivors of abuse.
Going through the disclosure process from many many affairs on all levels I am the betrayed and I'm just stuck with if she does love me how could she do all these things to destroy me
Exactly! How can he say he loves me. Yet do so many things to hurt me and our children so deeply...
@@ghalsos9130 trust me it's a battle that is so hard to overcome I'm trying so hard
@@ghalsos9130 hurts so bad
Yeah it is literally tearing me in half ,I don't even want to try anymore I feel like running to a little corner in this world and starting completely over
It is almost literally indescribable. "My Heart breaking into a million pieces" isn't just a line in a song or movie anymore. It is the nearest description of a real actual feeling and ... it isn't even close to how it really feels. Everyday. 7 months now.
Please never stop making videos Sam. I am a regular and they keep me going. They are the reason I am staying strong (even though I feel weak) in my recovery process 8 months later. Along with Harboring Hope and EMS Online you all have helped me and my marriage more than you will ever know. Please keep the videos coming!
you're so kind. thank you for the encouragement my friend. means so much.
I’m a betrayed spouse. And am struggling 5 months later. I feel like I’m going backwards right now. Feeling like I’m pulling away in intimacy. All I seem to do is visualize. what happened. How she was intimate with the other guy. So when she touches me my mind goes to how she was touching the other guy. And makes me lose interest. And I don’t like feeling this way towards her. It feels like she is trying to work on our marriage.
you need help my friend. we have a ton of support to offer. it's normal, but you have to get help or it will stay like this for a long time and seem like you just cant get your head above water. but you can, with the right help and support.
I feel the same way. My wife cheated 2 years ago.
As a betrayed, after 5 years I feel that I should be beyond the triggers that I continue to have but when I try to tell my partner how I feel about it he says I’m essentially just calling him a terrible person without actually saying those exact words. I want it to work but we have never been on the same page. I want to get past this but I don’t know how.
As the betrayed and the wayward (in the past) spouse, I volunteered. I was really doing the work. He decided to cheat again and "fall in love" this time. He now says I'm overreacting. We were (or I was) healing and looking at how I contributed to the marriage, I was changing. He decided to break my heart.
This video could not have crossed my path at a more perfect moment, on my DDay 1 year anniversary that found me filled with angst, hatred, frustration, despair and confusion. Thank you. I really needed to hear this, specifically today.
Thank you Sam. You are awesome and very helpful. I am the Betrayed. My partner was unfaithful with an old family friend. He blamed her for pushing him to get involved. He said the words he wanted to repair us, but for nearly 3 weeks he sat on taking initiative. I got even MORE resentful. I struggle with believing he is truly being authentic about wanting to repair this. He finally agreed to let go of his ego to do these videos, we are seeing a therapist, but I am having g a hard time believing he is being authentic. I keep thinking he is going through the "actions" only to get by. Just thought I'd share that. Believing the betrayer is very hard.
Your channel is a great encouragement!
I’m still working on forgiveness… 2 years and 4 months later… I can’t fully forgive or trust.
Sam, thank you for your messages. We are currently going through some tough times, and the way you present ideas and your expression of them is very helpful. Thank you.
Thank you Sam. You are a son of encouragement; yours is truly a ministry of reconciliation, both horizontally and vertically. I’m living that soap opera right now. Your videos are life lines in the turbulence of the storm I’m living in -love in Christ
thank you so much. i'm honored to be a part of your journey and it's messages like these that encourage me so much.
You saved my life with your videos. The pain was so intense that I really didn't think I was going to make it out. I'm now at a year and a half since Dday. I'm no longer in fear of dying but I'm not a 100 percent by far. I walked in on my boyfriend watching porn after he told me for 4 years he never watched it. I only wish you would focus more on betrayal by porn. He thinks since he didn't touch anyone he didn't do anything wrong. Still thinks that way. He had no clue the amount of pain.
means so much to hear that. i will certainly see what i can do to work on the porn aspect. thank you for watching and commenting.
Thank you for all your videos Samuel and AR These videos and the information is so good and very much needed
After trying to work through my husdands betrayal I now need to leave 2 and a half years after disclosure his been in recovery fir that who time . But now I've never been his full cup . 21 years I loved this man .but I don't know who he is any more
Good stuff. Thank you sir!
As the betrayed spouse 11 months out of Discovery day, I am working my way through the trauma. My unfaithful spouse has minimized and downplayed his responsibility all along. Even his accountability group dismissed the "Trauma" portion of the damages.. How can I heal when he doesn't take the damage seriously?
Know that your words have brought me through a dark place and are still encouraging me. Thank you
Your Vblog have helped me not sure if my marriage will be restored but I am trying.
Good message. Your topics have developed in the 3 years since I discovered AR. You’re deeper somehow. Or maybe I’m more healed and ready to hear the message? Either way I’m digging it.
means so much. thank you for your kind words.
Thank you Samuel! Have grown listening to your videos and gained much understanding of this topic.
so glad you're here and watching.
Continued thanks! Best wishes for your family!
thank you so much
Thank you for being strong. I wish my wife would have been this strong and try instead of just pretending to try and finally running off with him.
I have a question- my husband doesn’t want to do the work because he feels it’s too overwhelming with shame. He looks at me with hate and disgust because I am the personification of his shame. I found out about his affair and he holds it against me
Thank you, Samuel!!!! Very timely and deeply appreciated ♥️
thank you.
Love your videos Samuel, your work is invaluable to my husband and myself. I am the betrayed and I now know there are so many other people out there like me who are seeking healing. I watch as many videos a day as I can and then send them to my husband, He is now learning how to deal with his infidelity too. Thank you so much. Be well Samuel. Looking forward to more videos. Pam
Nothing won’t with your hair!! Your videos are so comforting and helpful. I don’t like shots in the arm reference though 😂😅🤷🏻♀️🙏🏻
Thank you brother. I needed to hear that today. You keep your eye on the positive even when your hurting too. God bless.
thank you my friend.
Thanks , you are doing a great job. Keep it up! It is been a healing process since I have been watching your videos
so glad. thank you.
Thank you again.
Thank you, Sam. Thank you for all that you do. You are a God Send, and I appreciate everything that you do. You make a difference. God Bless.
means so much. thank you my friend.
Your videos calm my mind and allow me to have a little peace. I get what little sleep I can while listening to your videos.
means so much. thanks for commenting and posting. also, thanks for watching. i hope it gets easier for you but i'm honored to be some sort of voice in your life.
Thank you
Keep doing what you do! You’ve been so helpful! Continued thanks!
so kind of you. thank you so much.
Unity in the storm
These videos are so helpful in clarifying and expressing the feelings while we might be running on autopilot or running out of steam. Thanks for the conviction. Thanks for the hope. I think if we want to stay comfortable, we might get comfortable alone, right? Ugh. Ooh you said “pretend normal”. Way to sum it up with a spear. PS - aside about hair: a friend got Covid from a hair stylist appointment - and recovered - thankfully, well without hospitalization, as did the stylist, but I have been terrified to get a haircut for over 2 years now, even with mask or whatever. It’s past my elbows. It gets caught in the seat when I’m driving. I braid or bun it but it gets heavy enough for a headache and looks like a squirrel trying to burrow into the back of my head. ruminations about his affair can feel the same way. It’s time - at least for the hair - But Covid closed the local salon… so I need to get uncomfortable enough to find a new one and maybe take the risk for a sharp trim. Maybe this thing closed our marriage, too. I can find a new family life today, at least for myself, by getting appropriately qualified support. I’ve reached out for that nearby and will make an appointment today. Thank you for the encouragement. Love the reminder that it’s not about feeling as a grown up because that’s what hurts most - that she inspired the feelings he used to have for me, and I don’t anymore . Maybe I can’t. Maybe he’s past that. Maybe we are past that chapter in our marriage. But we still require honesty and respect. We’re at least worth that. Our family is. Venting in comment sections makes it easier for me to temporarily distance myself or feel above the pain. But maybe I need to feel it. Bless you, and the team that makes these amazing things.
I wish you would focus on the unfaithful females. Not trying to understand her feelings or giving her justifications and excuses. But on teaching her to be accountable, accepting consequences and taking responsibility.
I have listen to this vbog daily and pretty much all of your others ones. The discovery date was Dec 20. And it has been a very rough .I have had repeated infidelity towards my husband .We have been married for 15 years and he always took me back immediately. But this time is different and he is Broken . I am still unhealthy and I have been sober since the new year day . I have owned up to what I have done and confessed of my wrong choices to my husband . I have faith that if God wants this Marriage restored then it well happen because of my prayers and the work I am putting in to save it . BUT if my husband just doesn't love me anymore than I still trust in God that he has a different path for me but I know now if I put God first He will heal my heart and soul. And I can move forward as a healthy person. And I am in the stage of recovery because of all of your videos that I have watched repeatedly over and over . Thank you Sam. I needed this to change my life for myself more than anything.
i'm so glad you found us. I know it's a tough time right now but so glad you're here. i'm honored that I can be of some help to you during this tough time, and I know that your own story is not over yet. we have to take it day by day and take care of us. proud of you!
Thanks Sam , right now we still live together and still in the same bed but weeks after another discovery after a few years he was so angry and said he didn't love me and was done with this marriage and didn'tlove me anymore. He holds everything in and I can not read him. All he said was he is lost depressed detached and not himself. I am working hard on recovery and I really dont know if he Still loves me . I am scared to ask him because what if he still says no 2 1/2 months later . I am just getting all these mixed signals .
Yes!!!!
❣
Don't believe them, your hair looks great.
hahahahahahah. so kind of you. thank you for that.
What do you say to a someone that says 'you shouldn't force it, it needs to come natural. You shouldnt have to work at it'
they've never been through infidelity then and have a jaded view of life, love and healing from infidelity or addiction.
Does withholding intimacy (sexless marriage) cause relational trauma?
What if there were several affair partners. (2 physical and emotional, 2 just through sexting and pictures) how do you handle that? I caught her with one affair, then through catching her with that I found out she had several other affairs. She says she didn’t care at all for those ppl but it makes it hard to believe. She also demised my name and character for the last couple of years; was this due to her feeling of guilt for what she was doing? It’s all so strange to me, I work 2 full time jobs bc she wanted to stay home with the kids, I would still come home and give her one on one time for a few hours watching movies and talking; so I only sleep maybe 2-4 hours per night just so I’m not depriving anyone of attention. After my long hours I come home, do laundry, clean the dishes, and never complain. Her and I would have sex at least every other day, even up until I caught her. Just very mind blowing bc I do so everything for the family and I’ve told her every single morning for 11 years she is beautiful and how much I appreciate her. She’s a shy person, typically backward, and the way she acted just is not normal, she told me how she spoke to these ppl and how she threw herself at them. Kinda makes me sick really. She keeps saying she hates herself through these things but continued to do them. In total there were 4 physical physical affairs and the rest were pictures sent, and sexting. I am just so lost honestly. She keeps saying I’m her best friend and she hates that she did that stuff and was sick in her stomach knowing what she was doing each time. She says it was not satisfying in anyway and she’s honestly not sure why she did it. This is all really hard to gather
It's awful Mike. It takes you through cycle after cycle of confusion pain and hopelessness. If she is open to help, and if you're open to help, i do believe we can help you and i do believe the way we care for couples through a trauma based approach can be life changing.
Thank you