How Did Your Parents Mess You Up? ( Parenting MISTAKES)
What do you feel when you think about your childhood? Do you think of it as a happy place you’d give anything to get back to, or would you rather pretend it never happened? Unfortunately, sometimes parents are not the ones who know best, and the choices they make while raising their children can leave their children traumatized. Here are some of the common mistakes parents make that can leave their children traumatized.
Disclaimer: This video is not made to attack anyone who may display these signs, but rather to understand them and bring more awareness to the topic. Sometimes these mistakes they make are really honest, accidental mistakes, made because they don’t really know better, but sometimes they can be a result of simply not caring enough.
We also made a video on the signs of childhood trauma: • 9 Signs You're Dealing...
Writer: Stela Kosic
Script Editor: Vanessa Tao
Script Manager: Kelly Soong
VO: Amanda Silvera
Animator: Aury
( / _amenation_ )
KZhead Manager: Cindy Cheong
References:
Campbell, L. (2019, April 12). What Happens to Kids When Parents Play Favorites? Healthline. www.healthline.com/health-new...
Glicksman, E. (2019). Physical discipline is harmful and ineffective. American Psychological Association. www.apa.org/monitor/2019/05/p...
Harold, G. (2018, April 2). How parents’ arguments really affect their children. BBC News. www.bbc.com/news/education-43...
Holland, K. (2021, October 21). Childhood Emotional Neglect: How It Can Impact You Now and Later. Healthline. www.healthline.com/health/men...
How Pressuring Kids to Get Good Grades Can Have a Negative Impact. (2020, April 14). Verywell Family. www.verywellfamily.com/cons-o...
How Staying Together for the Kids Could Hurt Your Child’s Mental Health. (2019, November 12). Verywell Family. www.verywellfamily.com/how-pa...
Media Relations. (2015, April 3). Arguments in the home linked with babies’ brain functioning. uonews.uoregon.edu/archive/ne...
Nauert, R., PhD. (2016, December 1). Parents Should Not Put Too Much Pressure on Kids. Psych Central. psychcentral.com/news/2016/12...
Surprising Facts About Spanking and Corporal Punishment. (2020, August 7). Verywell Family. www.verywellfamily.com/facts-...
As a wise one once said: “Every child deserves a parent. But some parents don’t deserve children at all”.
FACTS!!!!!
basically my mom
Yea
not every child.
@@peachpalette_07 what you should do is stop being hard on yourself
0:38 Fighting in front of children 1:43 Using corporal punishment 2:38 Playing favorites 3:30 Emotional neglect 4:27 Emphasizing good grades too much
Hey thank you so much. I came here to find your comment❤
@@mysterious9731 Wow my parents kind of sucked
Three out of five for my parents-ouch!
5/5 tough scene
When you brought home an A they say why don't you do better in other subjects? When you bring home friends the ridicule and make fun of you in front of them. If you are 15 and dare to have an opinion they slap it out of you.
I'm 45 and my parents are both deceased now. I'm honestly glad I never have to speak to either of them ever again, and my childhood was horrible. The worst part of it is, I know my parents really DID love us and tried hard...but they were broken people and they couldn't help but raise broken children with their sharp edges. What they did right they did exceptionally well and I really am grateful and love them for...but what they did wrong has left lasting scars that will never stop hurting and cannot be ignored. My advice to others in this position is do NOT try to solve or come to a conclusion...Let it be messy. Your parents were people and reality must be acknowledged for your own healing. It's complicated and messy and it doesn't need to be cleaned. Instead turn your frenetic anxiety and questions into learning how to love yourself and serving your own needs the way you need. Go to therapy, take medication, love your pets, wash one dish, eat a banana, stand outside in the sun for five minutes, whatever...There is life and happiness after bad childhoods and you can make it. Don't give up.
This is awesome advice. Thank you ❤
Thank you for your heartfelt and positive comment. It made me feel comforted and hoepful.
My parents were horrible and are still causing me trauma at 52. My mother is dying of cancer and my father isn't well. They have both been expecting me to take care of them and i just want to walk away. I will have so much relief when they are both gone. It can't come soon enough.
💜
@@djsurferdude That's sad.
I’ve confronted my mom about the problems of my childhood and her parenting, and she just freezes up and when I’m done she just plays the victim like I’m attacking her when she’s done nothing wrong. Basically all of these besides the grades, and maybe the favoritism really applied. My entire teenage years were dealing with her and her husband’s nonstop fighting. Not one month went by without a fight, sometimes not even a week. She never listened to my problems, or would even punish me for opening up. Never supporting me emotionally. When I confronted her about this later in life, she cried at me saying “I took you to therapy, that should be enough.”, like taking me to therapy (and then telling me to lie about things to them) was a proper replacement for actually giving me love and support. The final straw and what made me realize what a terrible mother she is, was when she came in begging me to pay a $900 car bill for her, I asked her just to do one simple thing for me emotionally. What that thing is, is something I’d like to keep private, but it was something very simple and easy. But when faced with this very simple request, instead of swallowing her pride and trying to be supportive, she, without a SINGLE MOMENT’S hesitation, turned around, walked out and said “nevermind”. I was so stunned and angry that I ran out there and screamed at her about it. I had never been more hurt in my entire life than in that moment. While I don’t want to say what it is I asked of her, just know it was the most important thing emotionally I could’ve asked her, and she knows it too. This was about a year ago, and I’m 26 right now. As soon as I’m able to completely cut ties with her, I’ll never talk to her again for the rest of my life, and she has only herself to blame. She’s set me up for failure my entire life and has been a leech on all of us, emotionally and financially, I’m currently paying for her debts in my name.
I wish you the best of luck. 🍀 I've been dealing with alot of childhood trauma, and when i tell my mother she would always gaslight me saying it was my fault. I have multiple disorders now, but i'll keep going, and try to heal, i hope you can do the same too ❤️❤️
Covert narc behavior… my mom is one and have not spoke to her in years. She needs to learn a heart felt valuable lesson that she is a cancer to the whole family. She talked abusively about my siblings and I… always played victim… she could never do any wrong, she’s an angel in her delusional sick. mind. She tried to make us look crazy… now I’m glad the rest my family sees who the crazy one was all along.
my mom is the same they will find anything to blame you for even when its their fault .They know their wrong but wont admit it
I believe your mom is a total narcissist :(
Im so sorry. So sorry what you went through. I wish nothing but love and happiness for you. I hope you’re better now.
Something I realized from a young age: we are taught that good parents are everywhere and bad ones are rare, but I learned that is the complete opposite...
Many bad parents do not realize they are bad parents, and even if they realize, they do not admit the truth and just say their child is the problem.
Yeah that’s relatable 😿
@@user-mu1os7me8s literally
Yeah and they themselves are a product of trauma, they also went through this and do the same.
@@user-mu1os7me8s This… this comment ❗️💯
One day when I was 15 I told my mom I was feeling suicidal. She called me crazy and ungrateful. She said that she had suffered way more than me when she was a child (which is true) and that she gave me everything I needed since birth (which is everything but emotional support). Idk if it's a trend in Christian families but I know it's happen a lot. all i can say is that suffering is suffering no matter what and don't let people thinking define you. that advice maybe saved my life. today things are better with my mom but my dad is a bitch.
My mom is a Christian and she keeps telling me that her life was worse as a kid Everytime I try to open up to her, or she relates to her problems thinking there the same. I remember when I first told her I cut myself she walked away, but I didn't think anything of it, and my mom and step dad don't argue or fight they usually agree on things. But sometimes it feels like they don't care how I feel. I am 16 rn, I don't cut anymore but I have lost nearly all my friends and my mom puts a lot of pressure on me. It's a continuous thing in life, but I always try my best to get through it. My dad has been there for me all the way, mom my hasn't so I go to my dad with everything. Even though he lives 3 hours away.
same my mom told me to actually kill myself
Samee my sister told my mom she wanted to kill herself and my mom was like ¨look at you acting stupid¨,¨your not going to do it¨ then she proceeds to get the knife and handed it to my sister and told her to kill herself and my dad also told her if she kills herself it will be 1 less child to take care of. Then my mom called my grandma and told her my sister was acting stupid and wants to kill herself . Also am the oldest and my dad molested me and she was like ohh he doesn remeber just forgive him , then later in private he told me he doesn´t apreciate the fact i told my mom . :-) EmOtIonALl DAAmAgEE, aint not way my kids going to visit thier ¨grandparents¨.
I'm sorry this happen to you, the lvl and amount of suffering should never be a competition. I think parents forget how hard it was to be a kid.
@@moonhase2368 oh i wasn’t making it a competition, i thought we were just sharing
I am a 14 year old girl sitting in her room. My parents are fighting in the next room and i can hear everything and i am watching these vids to make myself fell better. I come from India a country where mental health is never taken seriously and even after taking about all this to my parents that please let me have a visit to a specialist and i got negelacted and now i am sacred to even talk about my real feelings
I feel for you.. it’ll always get worse before it’s ok but there will always be people who look out for you
That is bad, i dont wanna go to deep but as far as i know female rights are lacking on india
You are 14 , im 12 , My parents dont want me , im indian too , i can understand you , i wish someone could understand me😢 , I MEAN THEY WERE ARGUEING WHEN I WAS 6 LAST , AND THEY HAVE CHANGED NOW , BYE THEY, ARE HOME😢
You dear sweet thing. I know this comment is 10 months late. I hope you are happier at this moment in time. Either way you should know that you are valuable regardless of how your parents or anyone else treats you. Look not of what value you bring to them. Instead ask yourself what value they bring to you. You didn't ask to be born. You are a gift. Some people don't appreciate their gifts the way they should. Use your pain as lessons learned and motivation to fill in the blanks that your parents have left in your heart. If they have been better I'm happy for you. If they never are better to you it's ok. Their neglect does not define you and your feelings are valid.
SAME
To anyone living with their parents still… please stay strong. Try to seek a mentor and have a plan of action on what you would like to do in the future. My parents never once asked me what I wanted to do with my life, it hurts they were so selfish… incessantly arguing like kids and they were super neglectful of my needs. It was like a constant fight or flight mode. It was beyond sad they never took responsibility or accountability for anything… they always blamed each other. It’s just like any serious relationship, heal first your trauma then you can start to build something special. I’m 31 now, took me awhile to accept some things but I’m grateful and happy to say I’m doing unbelievably well. Hope this helps someone out there.
If I tried to combat what my parents said or suddenly started spending time with friends, they would put me on detox for at least 3 months until I started 'behaving' again.
Thanks for sharing. I'm going through a similar situation..I grew up hearing my mother constantly verbally yelling and abusing my dad, and it created this unhappy family dynamic in the home. I numbed myself to cope and ended up in depression. Now I have to learn to heal and move forward. It's nice to know someone around my age, can relate. All the best to you brother.
I have 3 kids of my own. I was severely abused by my parents and step parent. Until I healed from my own abuse I unfortunately made a lot of these mistakes with my kids. Thank God my boys are still young enough for me to make it right and help them heal from the trauma I’ve caused them. The key is healing from your trauma before you bring kids of your own into the world. I wish I knew that then but now that I know I will do better and always own up to my mistakes. It will get better!
They’re gonna be better off now if anything, keep it up and do your best!
What trauma did you cause them
🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤
Nobody is perfect at least you reached for some help; in order to help your kids and treat them with love. this is beautiful. thank you for sharing with us
I'm glad that you have realized your mistakes and are getting help. Instead on continuing to make the same mistakes you actually woke up and learned that it's not ok,that's not something a lot of people do. I'm proud of you for that and keep going!
It hits me really hard that I can’t even trust myself doing anything around my own parents, yet when I’m around a completely random stranger, I can say anything without needing to keep any secrets.
well i shouldnt be a problem with your parents if its not bad if its bad i can see why your parents would get mad
Same
same
We have to break the cycle
Honestly same, and I'm still a kid!
The last one had me in tears. As a "burnt out gifted kid" when my burnout began, my parents were extremely concerned about my grades. They didn't give a shit about how it made me feel, forcing me to study. Keep in mind I was 10-11 and you don't really need to study at that age. This then caused my identity to be attached to how well I did in school, causing me to have cry and/or have panic attacks over "low scores" when those so called low scores were just average.
yes. I, too, have the same problem.
I felt this it truly never leaves this feeling.
Same I cry at my room most of the time
Ah yes, anxiety speaking at school when everyone else says « dude, that grade is average, it’s not BAD, chill out » I didn’t get the same talk at home.
I hated being a “gifted kid” man it disappoints my family
I'm 13, about to turn 14 in 2 weeks, dealing with a lot of trauma from my mom and stepdad. My dad is somehow is the most nicest person towards everyone, but me, my mom, and his children with my mom (especially me). He was my step-dad and he yelled at me the most. He would say stuff like "I wont beat you because of what others would say." but still slaps me. But honestly my mom is worse. She threated to call THE POLICE ON ME (this is only maybe last week). Like what do you think the police will do when they see the bruises? I'm glad I have friends that ask me if I'm okay, but I'm dont really open up about it. Later i asked if she really cared about what I thought, and she really said she doesn't care and literally started shutting me down. I'm glad I'm older, so I can deal with it a lot better. But this video really helped me to understand I need to talk to someone. I just dont know who to go to... Edit: "I know its been some time, but thank you guys for your support. ❤. I'm now 15 and thriving, I learned quite a lot, and now know that my parents are emotionally immature. I'm getting better as time goes by, and now I feel different knowing that I have less than 3 years left now. But I also found out I have ADHD, which makes SOOOO much sense (sadly my parents don't believe I have it & won't let me get diagnosed. I also have been wondering (research and my bio dad's ways toward my mom "allegedly" show that he has maybe the hyper activity type, while I have the combined type) My mom told me sometime ago that I got diagnosed at 5, but got taken off because "I don't have ADHD, and it was all in my thoughts & I just need prayer". (P.S. I started masking (hiding it) at 8 years old till so yeah, it doesn't look like I have it to you at least)), and I have started to distance myself from parents, so they don't yell at me or anything anymore, or even talk to me like that. And I started making my own money mowing yards this summer (in this crazy heat), and now don't depend my parents as much as before. Hopefully I get more and more responsible, get a job, and move out in a few years. And once again, thx guys.
I hope you heal one day❤️❤️
Hey kid, just know that you’re not alone. There’s so much beauty in this life for you to experience. It’s gonna be a long, hard road to get there though. But if someone like me can make it through, you definitely can too. I know it’s hard to be motivated to do anything when all you know is abuse and neglect, but the sun will shine on you one day. You’ll be in a place one day where you can choose who can be around you. Maybe one day, you can kick all those motherfuckers out of your life, because they don’t deserve you. You’ll meet people, people who’ll love you and genuinely care for you. You’ll find people that will have your back the way you always deserved. Keep your head up. You’ll be okay one day
I wish the best for you. Make sure to build a support group in your life that you can rely on and talk to such as friends, teachers, other family members etc., even people online can be helpful. Remember to take care of your mental health, in whatever ways are best for you (a combination of things help me such as meditation, journaling, and reading about things I struggle with to learn the psychology behind it). Remember that the quality of the relationships with your parents does not define your value as a person. I am here for you too if you need anything ❤
I'm 14...and my life is miserable
Are there any adults in your life you feel comfortable talking with, like a favorite teacher, or a relative you trust not to discuss your issues with your parents? The teenage years, with hormone changes and growing bodies, are difficult enough, without having what you’re going through added to the mix. Hugs and an ice cream sundae.
I was spanked with a belt, I decided I would never do that to my own children. We use gentle parenting, I have a much better relationship with my son and we’re closer than I’ve ever been to my parents.
I'm proud of you for breaking the cycle
Wood and metal spatulas, large wood sticks, hands, not very many things were/ are off the table with my mother. Been threatened with knives many times... yea- so needless to say I'm never having children. Happy to see you're doing a much better job than your parents did for you.
My parents always use cane and belt for punishment when i was a child. I promise myself to not do the same to my own children
In before someone makes the amazing argument that this is the only most effective way to parent your child. I wouldn't say any parent that does that is an abuser, but people have this weird fixation on it to the point where they'll advocate for it being the ONLY way you should treat your children and it's ridiculous. I dislike gratuitous pain and suffering when it can be prevented, but I'm a snowflake for thinking that apparently lol. People will sometimes rationalize every decision their parents made because they love them so much, even rejecting what science has to say about it. Physical discipline isn't better than any other form of punishment, so why do it? Seems like it would save everyone a lot of pain to NOT do so.
There was a period in my parents' life when they fought daily, for almost a year. Things were bad so to say. Even if things are better now, it affected me severely. Suffice to say, I never want any of my kids to go through that. I want them to have parents who love eachother very much.
The “good grades” caught me off guard because people don’t usually think about it but I see it so much among myself and friends. When we get good grades, they feel worthless. But if we get anything less than an A we feel awful, as if we’re not good enough. I’m very happy to see it included in this list
Happens to me
Im so tired of getting good grades. Sure, it's a great achievement, but I've gotten so much of those I don't want it anymore. It makes people's expectations of you go up. Even worse, it makes your expectations for yourself go so high, it messes with your brain. Sometimes I feel like giving up and just getting an f or something....but I know nothing will ever help me feel better in terms of grades. So in a way, you could say when you get good grades so much and for so long, you feel like you've gotten everything and then feel empty because there's nothing left.
A great watch on the final frontier humanity must cross kzhead.info/sun/hpmfZd6DqoBnd30/bejne.html..
For me I never feel happy when I get perfect scores, but I feel awful if I get 99 out of 100. I feel like my parents only like my grades and nothing else in me, they never supported me too all they want is the title of "top student"
That's what I hate about parents is that they expect us to be perfect but we're not. Everyone has different IQ levels but our parents expect us all to have the IQ of 100 but we're not meant to be the same in terms of knowledge but that doesn't mean we're dumb either! Parents have to understand that our grades don't define us it's the school's system that defines the grades and the school's system is fucked up.
I think overly teasing your children is really bad too. You may think of it as a joke, but it can leave you really mentally scarred. I'm 14, and whenever I would bring up a "slightly more intimate" topic, I just get teased for it by my parents. This has made me develop social anxiety, low self esteem, and I'm afraid to open up to anyone. I am slowly gaining back my confidence now, thanks to my close buddies, who I know I can vent to with my problems, but the damage has already been done. Parents, please don't do this to your children, especially in front of your friends to make yourself seem funny. It will hurt your relationship with your child, and your child itself. Thank you. (Sorry for bad english, it is not my first language)
The first two hit me so hard… When I was 12, my parents were having the worst argument ever. For two days straight, they wouldn’t stop screaming at each other. I was scared to death that they were about to divorce. I tried to break up the fight, but my dad’s instant reaction was, “SHUT UP!” Also, I swear it was him who started most, if not all the fights. And I should also probably mention: he is a former alcoholic. Then when I was even younger, I took my new bike for a ride one night. I wandered too far from home, and he was not happy. He pulled up, threw me and my bike in his truck, and took me straight back home. Then he put me on the dining room table, and started spanking the shit out of me in front of my mom and sister. I was bawling out bloody murder. I realize now, I’m nothing like him. The only one in the house I can rely on is my mom.
Especially if you are like in your 30's,there's no such thing as a parent. We are born alone and die alone
Actually, now that I’ve been able to have a good conversation with him, maybe I was wrong about my dad in some places. If there’s anyone in my family who’s toxic, it’s my older sister. To put it simply, she treated me like shit my whole life and still does to this day.
Holy crap, that second one literally happen to me, except it was just because I was talking to one of our neighbors 😅
I have a friend in which her moms side grandma is splitting them apart. I go to her house often, and even now when the fight she covers her ears and cries
It's scary how everything in this is so accurate with my life. I'm 22 and in shambles from all the childhood trauma I had. One day I hope I can feel happy again.
Same thing happened for me! And what a coincidence I'm 22 as well! I started getting traumatized at age 11.
You wont ever feel happiness like a normal person…
Give up trying to heal, it’ll just hurt you more. I’m sorry to tell you this, but k don’t think you might ever feel happy
Lul give up
@@the-ko1cn why are you so rude You sound like you need to heal yourself 😢❤️
Some parents always say to their children that nobody's perfect, but says the exact opposite the minute they see a bad grade or two.
EXACTLY
LITERALLY. and what gets me is that even though both of my parents weren’t doing well in school, they use that as an excuse to “be hard on us”. like sure, i have a 4.0 gpa but i also have crippling perfectionism and get incredibly anxious if i get a bad grade because i’m scared my parents will see it and get mad at me. i really can’t wait to go to college and move out…
Yup
True
@@nicolem9930 Honestly, that's been my dream ever since i turned 7 and things were going on a downfall: to finish school and move out ASAP. I got 5 more months and im done with it. They were always punishing me for even the smallest imperfection of grades, and that never stopped, even though my grades kept getting lower and lower .I feel like i cant even focus anymore.+since i was 12 I started being lonely, without friends and without help as i got bullied in middle school and i had a lot of problems but my parents weren't willing to help me, they'd rather take a laugh, so i was by myself from that point on and still am now. I was trying hard to make new friends but around my area it wasnt easy, and pretty much it always failed as they would either move somewhere else or just betray me or become my enemy. I tried making online friends and it is much easier like this, but it doesnt feel as impactful as having real life friends who could be there with you when u need help.
We had psychosocial activities in school where we shared our deep feelings. My teacher pointed out that based from what I've shared about my past, it seems I went through being emotionally neglected for most of my life which affected how I deal with my emotions. She said that if we ever have any problems, especially emotional ones, we can always come to her. She explained that she can offer us advice if we want but if we only wish to have someone to simply listen then she'll also be willing to do just that. Her pointing out how I was emotionally neglected helped me realize a lot of things about myself. Now I'm doing my best to learn more about emotional neglect and how I can develop a healthier way of dealing with my emotions rather than bottling them up and pretending that nothing's wrong
As I a child, I had everything I ever needed and I was constantly told "Be grateful". My parents never thought of my mental health however, whenever I broke down because of an argument I was told "Stop accusing me it's your fault" and this happened whenever I tried to confront them about something relating to mental health. This happened over and over again and I was constantly emotionally sensitive and I had trouble controlling my anger. Only my mother ever bothered to talk with me when I broke down but she also had some toxic traits. Every argument was confronting me about something I did wrong with a "Why are you like this" and I would fight back saying that I was trying and it would escalate until I needed to separate myself with my parents. Most of the time they wouldn't let me separate myself and would come storming up to my room to argue again. If I ever let my anger out my parents would shout "Say that again one more time" or "Do that again one more time" and would escalate even further. This normally led to a breakdown where they would say "Grow up" or "You're so dramatic". Whenever I watched videos like this I would always cry because of how much pain I was in and how they related to some things.
Let’s not forget the “I’m the parent! You do what I tell you!” Or “I put you into this world, I can take you back out!” It’s happened sometimes in my childhood and has definitely made me have some trauma feeling and thinking that my OWN parents wouldn’t care if I didn’t exist or I died and has put my self esteem really low in the long run.
Some parents dont know much about parenting or they where raised like that. My mom abused me and cheated on my dad. The abuse from my mom was so bad it was locked away in the back of my head. I still cant remember it and my dad doesn't want me to. He told me when he got custody of me that he got 6 pages of what my mom and my step dad did to me. Stay strong, maybe your parents hate you but you probably have a lot of good friends who think you're the coolest.
I know how you feel. My parents would play that "I gave birth to you!" card all the time to justify the things they did or to keep me from complaining.
Or even the "it's my house" or "your opinions don't matter"
I had turned the tables by saying: You put me in this world Deal with the consequeces
@@theprinterdude9687 Yoooo! That’s a good one! Imma have to use that later!
1. fighting in front of children 0:38 2. using corporal punishment 1:44 3. playing favorites 2:39 4. emotional neglect 3:31 5. emphasizing good grades too much 4:28 I hope I could help!
Thanks!
what how did you post this a month ago
Thank you time traveler.
Thank you:)
wha
As someone who has been a favorite child, it's difficult and you yet still feel like you haven't been treated good enough by other people because your parents treat you better. It is also very damaging for a selfless kind person to be favorited.
I had a mostly emotionally absent and completely grade-obsessed dad and stepmom, and a physically and emotionally abusive and manipulative biological mother. I was never good enough, and now struggle with self-esteem, abandonment issues, and I have a lot of trouble asking for emotional help when I need it. On top of that, I was also highly sheltered, not being allowed to leave the house or spend time with friends outside of school. As a result I was, and to a degree still am, extremely socially awkward. I didn't get to take the natural steps to learn how to connect with peers, and so generally I get along with people much older or much younger than me, since I have a lot of trouble connecting with people my own age. I suffer with extreme loneliness now. Be there for your kids, but let them come to you with things and be their safe haven. Kids need to have space to grow and learn and solve their own problems-- protecting them from the world while they grow up will leave them vastly unprepared for it.
When I was 15 I talked an online friend out of committing suicide (like actively having to tell her not to), and after having all of the fear and trauma from that, I explained to my mom that that was why I was so worried and distant that day. Her response was that she doesn’t like me talking to people on the internet and that I shouldn’t be doing it. I stormed off and I still haven’t forgiven her for that
You didn't deserve that, you deserve someone who understands. In this particular case it wasn't your mother. If it nags you, it might be wise to bring it up again in the future to both deal with it properly (and I hope she will be open to this), since I have the feeling this video triggered this memory to come back to the surface. Take care, Zan.
Im sorry you went through this and i appreciate that you were able to save someone and share this awful the trauma you went through. It a shame your mother didn’t appreciate you, and even though I might not have much impact I’m sorry.
That was very dismissive. I am sorry that you had that experience.
i'm so glad you didn't forgive her, an action like that is disgusting. i'm not someone to be saying this but I think you mother needs to realize something
@@stephaniecourteoreille5972 I completely agree that the mother was indeed dismissive, but it is also not very healthy to bot forgive her.
My parents have fought in front of me. Now as an adult I have asked them about it and they didn't see anything wrong with it. I on the other hand vividly remember being on the verge of tears (or beyond) from just hearing them shout at each other and worrying about them staying together.
*[TW‼️domestic abuse, detailed physical and emotional violence]* Same, they used to get into screaming matches, and my dad would hit my mom and drag her across the floor by her hair, etc. I remember one night, I don't remember specifically how old I was but I was a tot, I watched him deck her in the face. I remember seeing her lip bleeding while she held her face. I was so angry that I ran up to him and started punching his legs, and I kept screaming "I hate you, I hate you!" over and over again. The cops came later and I stayed in my room with my ear up to the door listening to them until I fell asleep. And they wonder why I have anger issues to this day💀
@@prettymuchyeah7520 BRUH SAME they literally SCARED me lmao my dad would choke my mom and hit her and she would hit him too then she sliced his tires smashed plates right in front of me and the worst thing i’ve witnessed between them was when she held a knife up to him and i stood there scared because at my young age i genuinely thought i was about to witness murder!
@@lionrugissant Man I'm so sorry you had to witness that shit, especially at such a young age💀I hate parents. Fr gave me PTSD with multiple things🧍
@@prettymuchyeah7520 LMAO fr they really messed me up. i don’t even know why i’m laughing that shouldn’t even be funny 😂.
@@prettymuchyeah7520 I’m sorry you had to go through that as well no one should
Well I can understand the emotional neglect. Although my parents do provide me with all the basic needs and everything, but they always make me feel worse whenever I try to share my emotional problems and insecurities. More like they’re disregarding my feelings altogether and said that I was wrong to feel certain ways. So growing up it’s really hard to have meaningful conversation with my parents and I really envy my friends who can talk hours on the phone w their parents and tell them everything about their life but for me, I just repeatedly talk about non meaningful things just for the sake of conversation and always ran out of things to say in like 10 minutes. Yes I do develop a horrible depression at one point of my life and that horrible episode of depression was the lowest point of my life. The truth is, I’ve been telling them that I wish to meet a psychiatrist years before that but they ignored my feelings and said that I was talking nonsense. When my depression episode occurred it was so bad that I had to postpone my study for a year. Now I’m still taking medication. Now a word for parents out there. Children sometimes need more than just materialistic things that you provide for them, emotional support is also a necessity as they grow up. It is what shapes them into the person they will be in the future. If your children find it hard to tell you their personal problem and rather keep it bottled to themselves then there is something wrong with your parenting.
Wow! Every single one. I have spent my life feeling guilty that I don't like my mom since they gave me everything I needed physically. My very wise daughter told me that you can have all the things you need to survive and still be neglected. I need to hear this kind of stuff to try to heal.
As far as "fighting in front of you", my parents always tried to do it behind closed doors, but I can still hear them... At almost 28 years old, I still distinctly remember the time I could hear my parents fighting in the other room when I was a kid. All I can remember now was that they thought I was sleeping, but I was actually so sad from hearing them fight that I went under my bed and started singing "Happy Birthday" to myself while sobbing.
Same
im so sorry
I'm so sorry this happened 😞
Trying not to cry after reading this comment. I'm so sorry you had to live through that. 💜
I'm sorry 💔😔
When I heard "emotional unavailability" that hit me hard. That's exactly what I'm going through at the moment. I have this mindset that "I have the basic needs so I shouldn't complain about anything, since there are people who suffer more than me both mentally and physically. And now I'm just pushing away everyone who is close to me so I would have no one to talk with. The low self-esteem and trust issues are also painfully relatable to me because I can't accept support from anyone since I think that they're not sincere, even my own family
You described my situation so well. But sometimes I try to talk and share my feelings but I feel ignored even by my family and then it feels even worse and I go in my shell again and try to hide my emotions by being rude,saying hurtful things to them.
It is me
@@muskanpoonia Personnally, I found that if you have trusted friends on the internet, talking to them is often easier, because you have the feeling you are in control, if said friend doesn't acknowledge what you're telling them, you can always stop talking to them for a moment if you need.
Same
VERY TRUE
This is a very true story. When I was six and younger I was a social butterfly who loved pink,unicorns ,and rainbows. However, when I turned seven that all disappeared , I spent almost all of my time in my room and didn’t speak to my family, now my family and I have a rocky relationship. I feel like everybody hates me now ,and a example of why I feel that way is , two days ago my mom,brother ,and I went out to eat. Somehow my isolation from my family and always in my room behavior came up, my mom said “ I don’t know why you became like this, you used to be so social ,and now all you do is stay in your room.” That hit me like a brick, I felt like she hated me and that I wasn’t acting right, but I still isolate myself from my family because of that kind of negativity from my family.
Until your comment, I genuinely thought I was the only one who isolated themselves from their own family in their bedroom, despite living in the same house.
Honey better to isolate yourself than swallow their toxic words. whatever happens you keep being the bright shiny star you are. Not everyone deserves your light. its okay not to brighten them up with it if they do not deserve it. god loves you. One day with the right people, your social butterfly lil princess you will shine out again. your smart your kind, you matter.
My dad is emotionally neglectful, but in a different way. He’s a psychologist, so what he does is instead of a good dad hug and some genuine advice when i come to him with problems, he goes full on therapist and treats me like a client and not a child. I one asked him why, and he responded with “i do it to protect myself because i know one day you’re gonna grow up and only come to me for money”. I didn’t say anything at the time but i was thinking ‘well yea dude if you act like I’m not your kid when I’m older I’m gonna act like you’re not my dad.’
I have experienced all of this. It took me over 5 years to understand and accept that the toxicity in my life was due to my "family". Especially as a child who grew up in a very religious setup, it was very difficult to even standup for myself as I'm expected to be "obedient" and never talk back to my parents. I now have severe self-esteem and trust issues. Even as an adult my parents still use guilt and my co-dependency to control me and my life choices. I still remember how heart-broken I was when my mom called me lazy and ungrateful when I told her that I'm feeling suicidal and I might need professional help. Even now my parents still believe that "they made me both physically and socially" and I'm just a whining, complaining brat. It's such a relief to see someone acknowledging these things actually happen to help me cope with the gaslighting my so called family as imparted on me for many years.
.
dude, good luck in your life. I can't say more since I don't know anything about your family circumstances.
I can relate so bad..
Everything will get better! Stay strong!🫂
I can relate to this so much ... Most Indian parents are lkke this... To them they can shape us the way they want ... Sometimes even if it's not possible .... My sister is their favourite child and they surely love her more than me .... They even saw that i tried to suicide .... They were sweet to me for some weeks n now they r back to the toxic parents they were ... Lol ? ... I don't cry in front of them much ...so they asume it as I don't have feelings ... And they treat me like i don't have feelings ....I'm the so called loner in my school and a so called clown at my home.... They usually see me laughing no matter what happens so they assume I don't cry n i am never said .... :) ....
The one about favorite sibling hit home. I’m Jewish, and female. My brother could do no wrong. He was the Golden Child. It was always, even in adulthood, “Don’t touch that! Wait till … gets home.” I wondered why my brother had a successful career (we’re both retired), while I couldn’t find myself. My (latest, and hopefully last) therapist said perhaps it’s because my parents encouraged my brother in his dreams, while, for me, it was always “No” or “That’s dumb”. Gee, thanks. On my dad’s deathbed, while I had been taking care of him for over ten years, and my brother was rarely there, while I’m sitting there, holding his hand, my dad’s last words were “Where is your brother?” What the hell am I? Chopped liver? Naturally, my dad, being the oldest of three siblings, and a male, was the Golden Child in his family growing up. I don’t think he realized how much that treatment affected his siblings until his sister died and I found a letter she’d written with the resentment of “Wait till (oldest brother) gets home. He’ll do (it).”
My mother managed to pick fights with my father on at least two-thirds of the time my family was together - from the day I was born until I was 26 and my parents finally got divorced. She wasn't happy unless she was picking a fight. Mom also didn't understand the difference between a spanking and a beating, the latter of which she did to me frequently (though she never beat my younger siblings - ever). My father bragged until the day we stopped speaking that I was still in diapers the night he took me out to the parking lot of a restaurant and spanked me because I wouldn't stop crying (never mind the fact that I had colic and was barely a year old at the time). I've been dragged by my hair, ears, and arms. I spent, no joke, three years straight grounded over my grades, with the last year being grounded FROM my room because I was an introvert and enjoyed being alone. My younger siblings are STILL the favorites, my brother especially. Anger was how my mother dealt with everything, including fear, and if I was afraid of something - like a thunderstorm, something I have a phobia of to this day - she would get unreasonably angry with me for being afraid. She was a mixture of being neglectful and being abusive emotionally; she always made this huge deal out of wanting to talk about my feelings, but when I did let my feelings out, she got mad at me. It was (and is still) extremely confusing. I've been in therapy for years and still struggle to make sense of my childhood.
Dang..grounded From your own room. That sounds awful. It's funny how parents keep grounding you instead of using compassion to get to the root of why your grades were slipping. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is ,in case you didn't already know, insanity. It sounds like your childhood was insane and that's why it doesn't make sense. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I hope as an adult you are able to make the life you want despite everything you had to go through.
As an adult, I never realized how much my childhood effected me until I started to study psychology in college. I never realized my parents emotionally neglected me, I just saw them as people doing their best. Now I look back and see every moment I attempted to ask for advice that ended in an irrelevant lecture or screaming match and see exactly why I am the way I am
How can we fix that? I mean, i want to fix myself but i dont know what to do. :(
@@ozlemdr6076 Death
@@cris_torres0594 oh god! Those stupid "wanabe Cool"
@@cris_torres0594 Bro, seriously??? Ur disgusting
@@ozlemdr6076 you can search some videos about how to heal your childhood trauma
I love these eye opening videos about parenting! 🖤
Same! Totally agree 🖤
This video is true for me, growing up I hardly had friends and things are the same now.
Me too
The best thing is that nobody really cares when it's about solving problems like these This world is already pointless The most people only focus on their success and not such a thing like compassion There wasn't any compassion and it never will be
@@lukascisar6740 sadly, I can agree. There ale many people who don't want even hear about it all, considering it as unworthy, false informations.
When you talk about parents playing favorites, it reminded me of this Sims story I saw on KZhead. There were two sisters, Hannah and Hailey. And the parents treated the girls very differently. Ever since they were babies and throughout their whole childhood, the parents always gave Hannah love and attention and praise, but they neglected and abused Hailey. They didn’t spend time with Hailey like they did with Hannah, and one day, both girls got A’s on their tests. The parents rewarded Hannah to get ice cream for getting an A on her math test, but Hailey did not get rewarded with ice cream or anything because she got an A on English which is the language we speak.
I cried to some of these, I am still on my childhood and i just realized that the way my parents treat me is wrong, I would always get told when having just around 1-5 mistakes on an examination or a quiz ‘why didn’t you do better?’ Or get yelled, If I do something bad instead of telling me that it is wrong they spank me with a coat hanger or belt, especially this one time when i was around 3-4yrs old I was at my grandma’s house with my cousin, my mom sent someone to get me cause it was late already and i needed to go home to sleep and I didn’t want to, as a 3-4yr old child I obv said no, then a few mins later I went home with someone beside me to escort me (I forgot who it was) When I got home my mom was waiting for me at the room, then I saw a pile or coat hangers beside her, she then grabbed me and hit me with it, I cried a lot, it was around midnight at this time, she even threatened me if I scream she would beat the heck out of me, after that was over she apologized, I said I forgives her but in reality I never did, this experience lead me to becoming further away to her as I grow up, I don’t tell her about my life anymore, if she would ask abt my day at school I would tell her that it was just fine since this day I suffer from that trauma.. So please, if you’re a parent please never make this mistake to your child/children..
I remember telling my boyfriend so casually about how my dad used to spank us and slap us all the time and recounting my memory of being 8 years old, crawling across the floor crying as my dad held the belt, hitting me. Or how my dad used to threaten sending me to military camp for being such a trouble child (aka not doing the chores he assigned to me) or him storming into my room and stuffing everything into the trash if I didn't clean it in time. And I remember my boyfriend just sitting there and telling me that wasn't normal. I think the difficult thing about that is that I often did feel supported and loved from my parents, but when I look back at some of the stuff they did I feel the same anxiety and fear I felt as a young child, being spanked by my dad. I remember I recently told my mom about my findings and how I was looking back at that and realizing it was actually kinda fucked up and her saying "yeah.. to be fair you were a very trouble kid". And honestly that kinda crushed me. As if me getting spanked and emotionally taught to fear punishment and fear my dad was somehow my fault for being trouble. Their idea of trouble was a 7 year old who wouldn't do the dishes or take out the laundry when they asked, *what seven year old does that?!* Normally when someone says a trouble child they are shoplifting and doing drugs and skipping school. I was a straight A student who could be over dramatic every now and then and didn't like doing chores. If anything my emotional outlashes from a young age were likely caused by my dad spanking me. And it just feels awful to realize that.
What 7 year old did the dishes Im the 7 year old who did the dishes and cooked dinner and cleaned the house because my mom was off doing bad things and I had to take care of my little brothers.Sorry if this sounds rude just gave me a little flash back 😅
I feel this comment so deeply and relate to a lot of what you experienced. Your boyfriend was right, even though we normalize things to ourselves growing up, being treated like that was not 'normal' and I'm so sorry you had to go through that trauma and grow up in that environment. 💜 I hope you're in a safe and stable place now.
The only reasonable chore is cleaning room, I'm surprised if you where able to reach the washing machine or the dishes
my grandpas step dad once threw him into a wall and he went through it, he was in the military in world war 2 and rode around on a motorcycle and saw his friends get killed so he went through a lot. When he died of a heart attack in the kitchen my grandpa was just 17. It sucks man.
@@caylinloftin9094 yeah I had the duty of dishes for 6 at about 8-9
the emotional neglect part hits differently if you're the first-born child who were raised to be independent in life
Yeah. And then they coddle the younger ones. I was raised by two youngest children and so my younger brother is always right over me and I should know better because I'm older. I don't start incidents he does but I always get blamed for snapping back.
@@BriskiTheFreak This basically applies to me as well.. In full. Disregarding that however, although we may be strangers who will never meet in the real world, I still wish you the best in life!
Same
Other way round with me.
Or the first born and the second has problems like ADHD, dyslexia, OPD and other problems and all the love and attention is focused on him and you are made to be his nurse, maid and tutor, as well as punching bag when he does not want to do his homework or take his meds.
I relate to no 4. Parents not home due to work, every complain is answered with "stop complaining", feeling sad "do you think my life is easy?". I only learnt in adulthood that DEALING with my emotions is healthier than ignoring it. Now I hardly ever talk about how I feel, cuz I have a healthier outlet with my friends. My family in general is just not good at dealing with emotional situations, and would rather just let it slide. NOT ME. I hate ignoring these things.
Here are the time stamps for those in a hurry but still want to know the mistakes- 0:37 fighting in front of the children 1:42 using corporal punishment 2:38 playing favorites 3:30 emotional neglect 4:28 emphasizing good grades too much Thank me later😄😄
Thanks♥️
sorry youtube added chapters
The only thing I had to say to my parents when I was 22 was "I thank you for teaching me this all through my life... Is how NOT to raise a child..." My mom cried her eyes out and dad wasn't phased at all. My kids definitely won't have paternal grandparents. I don't want my parents near them ever. Visits would be rare and never left alone. Either me or my wife would always be there to supervise.
Same here, you are not alone
Can relate
I would do the same, my dad spoil me a lot and didn't teach me about how to not get into online predator in social media even my mom who emotionally neglects me and etc. Just because these people didn't realize their mistake, it will continuously repeated over and over again, my mom also use corporal punishment to me and my baby sister, I don't even have powers to help my sister from this demon. Once I'm famous being a singer to other country, I move there immediately and sent a letter to my baby sister as she gets older.
Thank u so much for standing up to ur "parents". I hope there will be less of them.
My mother is insane. She is always angry for no reason, literally, we could be eating dinner and she would start yelling at everyone out of the blue. When I ask her why she’s upset, (so we can work the issue out), she just yells about how no one does anything around the house. It is physically impossible for me to help around the house when I’m in school for 8 hours everyday, and when it’s the weekends I don’t want to do anything because I’m so burnt out. My mother doesn’t work and she has the entire house and time to do things, but she doesn’t, she just sits on the couching watching TV all day. She also says “I have to watch the dog all day!”, yeah, because no one else can during the week. Also she doesn’t even watch him, she usually just puts him in his crate all day (even when he isn’t being bad). She says “I’m much nicer now that I don’t have to work.”, no you aren’t, it’s worse because I have to see you sooner. She also constantly threatens me and uses: “Well I took care of you when you had covid! So you can clean the house and take care of me!” I would help her if she was 60 years and older, but she isn’t, she can do everyday functions without needing help. Also, she didn’t even take care of me when I had covid, she just would bring me food. My mother also constantly picks fights with my father for no reason, (my dad would be standing by the fire place watching TV for a little bit and my mother would start yelling at him). I can’t wait until I can move out of this house and never talk to/see her again. Luckily, my relationship with my father is much better because he isn’t crazy. Thanks to anyone who read this long rant, I really needed this out of my system.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I have pretty chill parents and it hurts me mentally to see unstable freaks like your mother. Hopefully you can move past this.
hi. try to read the second sex by simone de beauvoir, even just the chapter about the married woman or the mother. i think it would be functional to you. there are so many free copies on the internet
I am sorry to say this but your mother shouldn’t have got married at the first place if she didn’t interest in taking care of a household. My mother is usually angry too because of house work. She doesn’t like cooking cleaning etc. and I can understand now that she shouldn’t have got married, either. She only cleans once or twice a month and she always wants to go out, walk around. She should have just go out and not have me.
I am sorry about this. I have pretty good relationships with both of my parents. I hate those kinds of people that are insane and crazy. Leave the house with dad as well (if you are old enough to do that) I hate your mother. Shes crazy.
Intuitively, sounds like a meth addiction. Tell her it's a neurotoxicant, and it's consuming the water in the body, which is causing hypoxiation in the brain (no oxygen available) and raising blood pressure as a result.
my mother does corporal punishment and I realized this was bad when me and a old friend were talking at school and ran on the topic she got disciplined by her parents having a conversation with her asking why she did it and when I asked my mom if she could not discipline me by corporal punishment and just ask why I did it I would be a lot happier she laughed at me. Now days when I'm mad at a friend I see myself almost hitting them and I do not like it one bit.
My parents made the first mistake. My mom and dad NEVER even tried to hide their fighting, and even when they were not fighting they always talked to each other unreasonably loud in another language. Whenever I told them it scared me they just gaslighted me saying “that’s how we talk” and “we are not fighting we are just talking loudly.” They were really good parents honestly, but what mistakes they did make were mistakes that were really big and they didn’t even try to fix them.
Wow, thanks, Mom and Dad. You totally screwed me up, and it’s taken over two decades of therapy to even begin to process the traumas I’ve suffered.
The fact that I can relate to this makes me sad
Unintentional "Emotional neglect" is most likely the most common one that affects a large number of children, and yet it's possibly the one that is talked about the least. Sure it's good to talk about the bad things that parents are doing, but you can't forget about the things that parents aren't doing that are just as important for a child's growth. Growing up, I had food and shelter, and products like consoles and computers to keep me entertained. That was basically all my family was; a bank that I didn't have to pay back. And before anyone mistakes my family for being rich, they were not, it was a low to middle income family. But there was little to no "love" or connection. I couldn't rely on them for school, even primary school stuff, because my parents weren't well educated. Family activities were incredibly rare as my parents would rather have spent their time watching TV or use their computer. Meals were either take-outs or expensive pieces of meat with some spices and nothing else because they couldn't be bothered to cook. Honestly, I think they were both dealing with depression themselves, and it has absolutely lead to some problem for me growing up, including developing depression. For any parents reading this, just be there for your kids. Give them the little push or encouragement they need, help them out when they struggle or fail (don't chastise them), and teach them a few life skills they'll need growing up (I had to rely on KZhead videos for everything...). Do this and you'll already be doing more than most parents out there.
This was so relatable...thank u for putting such a widely shared experience into words
my life to the T. glad somebody understands
My parents are also like that. They give me all my physiological needs but I didn't get the chance to develop my emotional awareness and I have develop a lot of bad habits such as avoidance whenever I get overwhelmed by my emotions. Well thankfully I have the internet that helps me become more aware and gives me an understanding of moods. I hope everyone of you is doing well 💙
I ended up in the same boat, but my parents were extremely rich and got tons of free time, free time they just didn’t want to spend on their child. I heard so many times “Im off to do some radio cars with my work mates” - father or “Im off to china to eat dinner with my boss” - mother. I also had a older sister who was the main attention of the family due to her growing up with my grand mother before my parents reached “rich” state. Which made her way more intelligent than me. I’ve basically always been seen as the”successor” to my father’s company, which I later denied to accept due not wanting to be like my awful father. Being born by parents with the mindset of them thinking “My son will later take after me when I retire so I keep earning a great life”. Is just not a good parenting. My sister was free to what she wanted and she got there super early with no issues. Already being a model of one of the best gardenkeepers in sweden.
My parents were like that also. My parents worked all the time, and all they did during their free was relax. They didn't even bother to talk to me or even atttempt to establish a relationship with me. All they did was give me a games console and let me watch TV. Now that I have grown up and have moved to another country for work. They are now trying to establish a relationship and are complaining that I am being distance. Selfish, etc, etc. They don't even understand the results of how they raised me. All my dad cared for was for my acdemics, he even choose what I should study!!
First of all: Just found your channel and I can't express enough how much I appreciate your videos! For the video: My family did all those things (except for corporal punishment). But especially picking favorites and empathizing good grades. The consequence is that today, as an adult woman, I have to force myself to be happy about every little accomplishment and keep slipping back into thinking that I wasn't good enough and should have tried harder, even to the point of self-destructive measures such as little sleep in order to have more time for my respective project. 4 years ago I participated in a competition and within the month I slept only 3 hours per night because I constantly thought I was dawdling. I ended up being in the top 10 and even then I thought I should have tried harder and apparently really dawdled even though I knew all along it wasn't like that and it was even wrong to put physical needs on hold...
Being raised like that is the worst ever
As someone who was always considered the “favorite child” by my dad who is a narcissist, I felt a lot of pressure to excel at everything and constantly suck up to him and for such a long time felt like my other siblings hated me for it. It especially got harder when I came out as trans (ftm) a few years ago. I recently started seeing my dad for who he truly is and I don’t care so much for his attention anymore because I feel it’s not worth it. (This could’ve definitely been worded a little better, but then that would’ve led me to an entire rant)
i hope youre doing better
Why did you hate living as a female?
@@nottoksic some people are just uncomfortable with their body and feel it’s not the right fit for them
I can relate.. Being the eldest, my parents have a lot of expectation from me. I stopped doing stuffs I enjoyed at a very young age when my sibling was born. Sometimes , all this responsibilty to be the 'perfect example' feels overwhelming.
I would’ve loved a rant tbh. I think its interesting hearing from others in similar situations
I am 13 years old and I have been going through a lot of things involving family issues. I've already watched several times my parents fighting over stupid things and they forgot I was there just watching them hurting themselves, and throwing things. I suffered physical abuse, mostly it was my dad that was overwhelmed with his job, I remember one time because I didn't like the haircut then he just punched me on the face because I was crying for not liking it. I'm just exhausted of having a family like that. (English is not my first language, so if there is some mistakes just tell me that I will fix it)
Thats terrible...I hope things turn out for the best in the future, keep being strong.
@@gmast6281 Thanks, I will try to be strong as I can
*I am 13 I hope you'll get better soon
@@karoko87 Thanks, I'm going to fix it
Sending love your way ❤️🩹🙏🏾
Growing up i know my parents loved me, and they never wanted to do anything to hurt, in fact they wanted the best life for me, they always ecouraged me to do things and do what I wanted to. But when I got to middle school I noticed myself kinda wanting to experience something new, like going out, and my mom was always very over protective, basically my whole point is that parents should push their kida to get out, to try new things, to experience new things. Im facing troubles with knowing myself and the kind of person I am, im struggling with my body image, (weight) i have trouble talking with others and making friends and anything social because my mother would always do it for me, or i wouldnt have any need to. so push ur kids to be social, make them make friends, tell them to excersize.
You forgot something similar to grades and also related to emotional neglect. Parents who have decided what they want their kid to be like and who discourage or even punish any other feelings or interests the child has.
These all struck a cord with me as a Hispanic growing up in two different homes with two different parents. Corporal punishment is very common among Hispanic households and it always makes me tear up when I remember how we'd be spanked for "misbehaving", sometimes my younger brothers will start wailing "No! No! Please, no!" when they are about to spanked. My heart hurt hearing that one. But all of these applied to me as my parents have their own issues to deal with, it doesn't help that I've had over 12 stepfathers because of my mom's inability to remain faithful to one, so the constant arguments were normalized throughout my childhood until I learned to ignore them. It's crazy to see how all of these things have been internally normalized within myself, I hope I can heal so I can do better for my kids, I don't want them to be distant with me.
I hate being Hispanic, especially Puertorican, because of all the terrible stereotypes they're known for besides their parenting: Being loud, grossly unhealthy, careless or uneducated, driving loud Hondas, being sexually promiscuous, etc. I'd rather not tell people who I am immediately because I'm mostly the complete opposite. (I love Hondas, though, just not the fart cans.) Edit: Wait, aren't most Americans like that?
Fellow Hispanic here, totally agree it was a terrifying time where you avoid anything that can you you in trouble to the point that your constantly on guard and worried and are trying to control everything to make sure nothing goes wrong. For me I also remember my mom while hitting me asking if I wanted to cry, which meant “do you want me to give you soemthing to really cry for” meaning more jottings, and that’s conditioned me to be terrified about crying in public or letting anyone see me cry , and be uncomfortable/tense seeing others cry
@@ismeza76 I've seen my brother crying when he's getting spanked and she asks him why he's crying. It doesn't make sense to me. Of course he's going to cry if you're spanking him or hitting him with a belt because it hurts. Then like you said, she says if he really wants something to cry for. Is crying because you're hurt not valid?? This why I don't express my feeling towards her and then she asks why I don't share anything with her. Because of things like this we're considered "weak."
It is unfortunate that this is normalized. I'm not Hispanic. I'm black. Corporal punishment is very much a common thing in the black community. However, I've seen/heard comments from black people around my age (I'm in my late 20s) expressing they're not spanking/whooping their kids, myself included if I ever have kids. I'm glad us younger people recognize how toxic and abusive that is. I still have memories to this day of instances where I've been whooped and still cannot understand why it was warranted.
My parents used it physically “discipline” me often. And they would always emphasize how important grades and school was no matter what. And it all came to a head in 2nd grade when I was falling behind in school and my grades weren’t looking that great (I was barely getting C’s on my report cards). And this meant that they gave me the hardest discipline they had while also making sure to neglect me as much as possible. Say for example they tell me to stay in my room for the rest of the day, and I can’t even leave to eat. It got so bad I can’t even remember most of my 2nd grade year. It’s all a blur of pain and tears. Over the years they’ve improved but it wasn’t in time to prevent me from internalizing years of abuse. I still have trouble with equating my self worth and importance to my grades because that’s what my trauma lead me to believe. That if I can’t produce good results, I might as well not be here. This coupled with being compared to my siblings my whole life (who were also going through their own problems and using me as a scapegoat to project them on) only made things worse. I’m trying to do better these days through the support systems I’ve made. And by working on my relationships with my siblings and maybe my parents if I ever work up the courage to explain how their parenting affected me they way my sisters have told them, but until then I’m gonna try to take things one step at a time.
I am so sorry, I can’t imagine what your going through! You’ve come so far and I hope for you to stay strong
@@aoibhe_DeFaoite Thank you so much.
@Grace C Thank you.
cant*
@@solodecade Of course
My mother came from a really abusive home, made mistakes (all of the ones you mentioned), but I have; over come all traumas, turned them into strengths, and am a much better person for it. I wasn't always though..., and it really could have gone either way for quite a while. Something to remember about children is; Everything they know is normal until they learn something different, and they don't know enough to tell you what they want to do. We don't know for sure how much is nurture and how much is nature. I do know I has spanked a Lot as a child and now I have the ability to shrug off pain as if it is nothing. I had to figure out what right and wrong was myself because I was always punished the first time I did something wrong but never made the same mistake twice. I didn't have many toys so I had to figure out how to play myself with what ever was around. I moved almost every 6 months since I was born so I had to learn to make friends easily and be social, especially since I was Not the favorite (I either had outside friends or no one most of the time). I had a weird childhood, but at the time I thought it was perfectly normal. I grew up to be quite an amazing person who is both physically (other than a few injuries now) and mentally well above average. I don't think you have to beat your children and neglect them to make them strong, but you do need to Challenge them and introduce them to new things Constantly.
It's funny because I actually think my parents did a pretty good job, but the part about emotional neglect speaked to me. When I was very young I would cry and scream very easily because of my two older brothers who loved teasing me. And I can understand that my parents were very sick of me crying all the time. But as I grew older, I started to shut down. I've experienced bullying and a very shitty first job, but it was very hard to talk about my feelings to my parents, because they didn't really know how to handle it. It always ended ud with me thinking everything was my fault. And It had an impact on me. I'm in my early 20's now and I'm still struggling with very basic things, like making choices on my own, socializing, making phone calls, asking for help or finding a job. And it's very hard for me to say that my parents made mistakes because I love them very much. But yeah, I guess this is a part of my struggles.
Most of the time, people are how they are based on how they were raised. As someone with a stuborn mom and parents who were always arguing in front of their children, I can see how it took an effect on me. I find myself to also be stubborn and do what my mom does when she is mad which is ignore everyone and not talk to anyone. She never takes blame and sometimes i find myself playing victim because she always does. Growing up, they never cared about my feelings. I was a very sensitive kid and i still am i dont handle my emotions well. I wish they were not so ignorant. I don't blame them for not knowing, but I just wish they knew. My mom is how she is because she comes from a broken family and so she continued the cycle
Similiar to my situation. But I hope you break the cycle, because you or anyone else in the future shouldn't have to suffer.
My mom grew up poor in the south in the 70s, she got her ass beaten all the time by her stepfather, tried to kill herself several times, and wouldnt have made it through college without my dads financial support. When she wasnt working, she would beat me with a mesquite switch if i fucked up really bad, and would use a shoe or a hand for minor offenses. I can definitely see the cycle continuing. This is why im not going to have children, i dont want this to continue. Edit: for context, i grew up in a suburban neighborhood in arizona.
me too, exactly like my mother
Same, my parents will say I can be hard to get along with sometimes and will feel offended at a lot of stuff they say and I’ll deny me being mean and rude in how I say things but my dads the same way, anytime I address his attitude with me sometimes he’ll really deny anything and everything in how he acts around me and acts like he’s not ever gotten mad at me in that way ever before when he actually has. As someone who’s actually has tried to address these issues with him and mend things I’m still looked at like my dads never gotten mad at me for no reason before. My dads so stubborn and so hard headed that talking to him and getting him to see reason is like talking to a brick wall
Anymore I’ve found out that I like animals more than I do people and that I don’t want kids
I'm still a child but, my mom's made plenty of mistakes when it comes to me. I was the result of a teenage pregnancy, so my mom messed up a lot with me while she tried figuring her life out. It only became worse when my little sister was born. Favoritism was a big part of it, things like "Well she's gonna get more because she's younger." "She's gonna get things that you don't because-" and she makes remarks about how "Oh well I messed up when it came to you but I'm fixing with [sister's name]." My mom would argue in front of me with the men she was seeing at the time and now it's something I suffer from. I pray that I'll be a better mother one day. Edit: I hope everyone who replied is ok ❤️
I’m so worried that my neice is gonna end up like you did. Her parents weren’t teenagers, but having just a “fling” is just as bad. This is why you’re supposed to get married first, a child needs both parents in their life and those parents have to be mature and responsible. But I know there are cases where that can’t be helped because I could have gotten pregnant by accident when I didn’t intentially want to have sex.
I agree. I'm the screw up; the mistake that shouldn't have happened. Again, teenage pregnancy. But my mom is loving, even if she's terrifying if you enrage her. Most of my early memories of me being whipped with a hard-soled slipper, spanked, and hit by her and the rest of the family. I just learned not to get on her bad side. But she treats the younger siblings better than she did me. "Younger siblings need more attention." So your 20-year-old who has high functioning autism and plans to come out as asexual doesn't, unless it concerns social interaction. Okay. (Her handling the important social interaction, like setting up the odd doctor appointment, that kind of thing, she can do. I'm not good talking to poeple, since I get very anxious, even thinking of having to talk to strangers.)
I don't know you , but I hope everything goes well for you ❤ and HEY , YOU'RE GONNA BE THE BEST MOM EVER
I hope things get better for u,and i bet Ur gonna be a really cool mum ^^
@@PhantomFerret oh no,i hope stuff gets better for u,and keep in mind that im proud of u (◠ᴥ◕ʋ)
People who say they have always experienced physical abuse throughout childhood but turned out fine, can sometimes be in denial that their young selves just tried to forget the betrayal and pain that they've felt in the past so they would not know how lonely they've been a part of them growing up. They may turned out to be fine but some are easily offensive and defensive people, easily mistrusts people, too serious and etc. They may just not noticed it, so they judge sensitive and expressive people because they didn't have the chance to express and to defend what they feel for so long- that when they see people who do, who are sensitive, their emotional and mental body responds to 'fight' mode.
Exactly.
Yay, I got all of them. I actually didn't have siblings until my sister was born in 2014 (I was 15), but I was very close to a cousin who would come to my house and I always noticed how my father talked to her more than he talked to me and he seemed to like her better. Everytime he was around when my cousin and I were having an argument, he'd take her side without even knowing what the fight was about. Also, my mom was always comparing me to the most popular girl in my class, talking about how she was very smart, pretty and charismatic and I should try to be more like her. Not to mention my emotionally neglectful father treats my sister better than he ever treated me. The result? I got borderline personality disorder, OCD and bing-eating disorder.
I have to wonder as a retired teacher- how many kids tried to show their parents this video, and where criticized, ignored, heard denial, or were slapped or beaten for it.
I wager...more than expected, but not nearly as much as feared? At least in regards to the latter half of your sentence.
Enough
@Truquan Did I mention that after I retired from teaching, i received a Doctorate in child and adolescent psychology? You need to hear what ive heard through the years. It's far from The Brady Bunch out there. All those reactions I mentioned have happened to kids who've tried to reason with abusive parents. And worse.
a lot
My mom texted me while I was watching this video and it’s funny bc I was thinking about sending it to her but I know she would just manipulate me into believing it’s not true.
Well this really explains a lot and explains why my therapist tells me that a majority of my trauma stems from my childhood and the way I was raised in a toxic and dysfunctional household
i feel like your therapist should give you reasoning themselves? do they really just tell you your childhood was toxic and that's it?
@@tatethetottle No luckily my therapist has given me a full blown explanation about it and then they told me do anything that makes me feel like I’m in my own home where I can be at peace with myself and personally I found that surfing and diving has helped me confront all of that trauma in a peaceful manner
In the end. Just showing the finger to other one is not a solution in order to fix yourself. And if you have a therapist you should stay away from this channel. They aren't professionals here and have camouflaged strategy's to make money.
@@themasterofanalyticsandwie1342 even though it's true they never said they were professionals and always warn about it at the start of videos, I don't think it's worth avoiding them. I mean, it's not because someone you trust isn't a pro that you won't listen at all to what he says... It's not exactly the same thing of course but it's not that bad to listen to unprofessionals.
@@lechatrelou6393 The thing is that they are acting like they are professional. And the disclaimer is actually worthless since they ate giving you the information as they would talk to you instead of a third person Perspective. Disclaimers are mostly strategy's in order to avoid consequences. And the since there are psychology channels from real experts it's worth watching them then this channel.
Corporal punishment, emotional neglect, and the emphasis on good grades... My late parents would always tell me that "it would be for my own good", and I kind of believed them, until I slowly realized that it's straight-up abuse. When I say that I can't do something, my late father would slap the lights out of me and yell at my face, telling me that I'm a good-for-nothing brat and that street kids have a better chance at life than me. When I earn something that isn't an A, he would yell and hit me as my late mother watched from the sidelines. Yep. Yipee little old me...
My mom always told me that she was with my dad for me. I know that she said it innocently, but it hurt, a lot, I felt like I was dragging her down with me and not letting her live her live.
"Did you relate to any of these?" Yes. To all of them. I genuinely thought that all of those things were normal and that every every family had those problems which kinda says something about myself
You are not alone. Sadly
same i thought thats just how it works, then again i came out with depression anxiety and ptsd sometimes its really hard to remember that some ppl are actually happy
same
@@sapiruwu3799 I really can’t believe people out there are actually happy
@@emoarmy6580 well no one is happy all the time but they are definatly happier
My mother always told me when I was a young kid; "Stop being mad. No one cares about you being mad". And what do ya know, I grew up developing anger management issues.
lul F, at least u didn't get beat up
@@thefirstsin Like that's any f*cking better.
For me, my parents told me to stop crying when I'm hurt or sad. They don't let me feel emotional. They told me other people would laugh at me bla bla bla. I was crying in my fking house, who are those other people. They said if they do it this way I can handle pressure and not cry in public. But ironically I developed a response to just not cry infront of them to avoid getting scolded and beated up. Because of this I don't dare to open up any feelings to my parents and tend to bottle it in my mind. I still cry, I cry even easier than a 4 year-old in public I think. It's almost like I'm always carrying a bucket of water filled to the top and just easily spills with a push. So thanks mom and dad for making me "not" crying easily.
This hit too hard it physically hurts to watch my lifelong realizations of why I am the way I am be laid out in front of me in a simple video
This checked off pretty much everything my biological parents did to me. Favorites, impossible expectations, unusual and cruel punishment, all this video is missing is the older brother who molested you while your parents watched and covered it up to avoid embarrassment.
I’ve gone through a lot of things people would call trauma and I thought I was fine, but looking at my behavior before those things happened I can see the long run of a unhealthy household 😕
Well, that's the purpose of those videos: to open your eyes. So be grateful you noticed it 👀
Can relate here! Stay strong and reach out
So, my parents once told me that “if I ever needed to talk to someone, I should tell them” (and I’m paraphrasing their exact words there), and you wanna know the first thought that crossed my mind? “It’s a trap, they don’t mean that.” My sibling has been seeing a therapist for a year, maybe more, but that was only began when they started showing PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS from her mental problems and stress. It makes me feel like they don’t really care about our siblings’ mental states. And the part about parents obsessing over perfect grades, my parents are like that. I’m sorry if I’m rambling, but thanks for reading this far. You are all doing great 😊
My mom told me to kms at the age of 12 and i had lots of trauma from that. I had frequent nightmres, psychotic episodes and all kinds of shit. I am grateful for that. I am grateful that i had it hard so i can be the kid that is rising up from a broken household, surrounded by doubt and finding strenght in those emotions. I am not there yet but this trauma could define u as a person. Only if you chose it to do so. Sorry for the rant but taking pity on yourself is the worst thing you could do, thats what i've learned. I couldnt even look at my past 1.5 years back but now i feel gratitude for it. With the right mindset a person could achieve a lot. I recommend David Goggins book ,,Can't Hurt me'' if anyone reading this wants to learn more about how a mindset can beat all kinds of trauma. We humans are capable way more than we think
Imagine my surprise when I went into the real world and actually didn't get yelled at for even the smallest of mistakes for even one second compared to several minutes of it EVERY day growing up. Nothing was good enough growing up and when I found how things really work in the world I was so disillusioned!
I'm digging myself out of a bad childhood in my fifties through therapy sessions. Thank you for posting this. I broke the cycle by not doing any of these behaviors with my own kid. Me & my husband refused. This is bad - I remembered one interaction from my mother about my grades. She ran into my high school geometry teacher in the grocery store. This teacher had flunked my older two siblings multiple times. I got a 97% on an exam from him. He was surprised that I did that. All she said to me was "What happened to the other three percent?" No congrats, no nothing other than this question. 😪 My husband & I REFUSED to do this with our kid. She had troubles in school, & we tried to get to the bottom of this rather than make academic criticisms.
Fighting in front of children and especially emotional neglect hit different, I honestly feel like my dad is like a stranger to me he doesn't care at all about my feelings and never did, and when I cried because of him he yelled at me not to, he also slapped me several times when I was a child, not to mention my mom who "listens" to me talking about my feelings but forgets everything right after, anyway, I think it did cause me anxiety and low self esteem but I'm trying to heal and if you can relate, I hope you'll heal too
SAME…it’s so frustrating honestly. They don’t change their behaviour even when I try to speak to them about it. My mom is there for me and I appreciate it but it wasn’t always like that, she only listened to me when my mental health got really bad. My dad doesn’t listen and never has and he just forgets everything I tell him. It’s hard for me to open up to people because I feel like it won’t matter, or they will react the same my parents have. My dad used to hit me as a form of discipline but he stopped because I passed out once because of how scared I was. He still hits my brother instead of talking to him and now my brother tries to hit or fight when there is a problem rather then communicating his feelings. My sister is always talked to nicely rather then disciplined, things are explained to her, (she’s the youngest). I’m always yelled at and if I say anything I’m told that my parents “let it slide” because of my mental health?(im oldest). My brothers behaviour is never properly dealt with, my parents just yell at him, or hit him and act like nothing happened.(he’s the middle child) I’m so tired of ittt😭😭
@@avieebvlogs8018 It must be really hard, I'm sorry for what you're going through but stay strong, it will get better and if it does not you can still leave your parents' house and have an appartement when you'll be 18.
The Emotional neglect part hit me hard. I feel a lot that my parents will ignore what I need for me mental and emotional health. For context I am 14 and started high school this year. When I came to be dad and told him I felt numb he responded with a short talk about how much there is to look forward too in my life. He was being sincere but he didn't get what I was trying to tell him. In his eyes this was a brief momentary thing that didn't affect me because I try to present myself as happy and energetic around people. Even when I show this numbness at home it is considered being rude and having attitude towards my parents. So, I stopped trying to tell me parents about it and started butting on the facade all the time when i wasn't inside the isolation of my room. It got really bad where I would pray that I would be able to cry because I hadn't done so genuinely in two years. I would force myself to cry. When I finally stopped feeling numb and worked through that by talking to myself in my room for about a year and a half, it opened the flood gates. I started having panic attacks and breaking down at school. I would go to the counselor at my school on a weekly basis and would see her more than that because I would break down during the week. She emailed my parents after a couple weeks of meeting and asked about me getting a therapist. My dad talked about it with me once and said we would do it. I brought it up multiple times after but he would just keep saying that we were going to do it but never actually did anything. Considering he is the more understanding of my parents it didn't occur to me to talk to my mom at all. When he finally told me we were going to get a therapy app i was excited. I sounds odd for someone to be excited about that but I was the most joy I had felt In a while. then again when it actually came down to setting up and getting parental consent and paying for it he stopped again. The same thing, we're gonna do it. after a while I stopped pestering him with therapy and that's where I'm at now. I find myself envious of my brother who gets emotional and gets a hug and a long talk bout how to deal with it while I would get a hug as well but a talk about how my emotions shouldn't control me and how it's my choice me let them happen. I constantly feel like they don't want me to have emotions other than joy and that because i'm not mentally perfect I'm somehow less and that I should keep it all to myself. I know this isn't exactly what the video was talking about but it felt like emotional neglect for me. I love my parents and have an amazing family but this one thing makes me feel like my emotional needs aren't worthy of time or attention.
A great watch on the final frontier humanity must cross kzhead.info/sun/hpmfZd6DqoBnd30/bejne.html.,
This is too relatable
Man. I experienced this when I was like 9-now (13) and yeah, I feel just as worthless, I feel neglected, incompetent and not at home. Everytime I talk I just get the "shut up, go do your homework" I even tell them I got none but nope, ears shut eyes shut anger *flow* . I even told them on how I was the one who always got the worst lunch and my siblings got the good shit I asked for. Instead of a clear and understandable response they just mumble about how I need to toughen myself and deal with shit I'm already dealing with.
Some parents stink. Both of mine did but I was blessed to be raised by my maternal grandparents. RIP Charlie & Dorothy Deane. I'm 42...a few months ago, I tried talking to my mom about something that was really hurting my feelings & when I started to cry, she told me to stop crying or I was gonna piss her off. I'm sorry. I hope you will be able to get the counseling you need really soon. You can always try talking to your school counselor for help or @ least, refer you to someone else who can help you. I wish I'd gotten counseling as a teenager bc I probably could've healed a lot of my childhood trauma a lot sooner. Love, hugs & prayers. ❤🙏
@@Maksim_the_clumsy yes, favoritism is one of the worst forms of abuse & it's not talked about enough. Good parents don't have favorites & even when they do, they never speak about who is so no one ever truly knows. Well, unless you're their favorite...that's how it was with my Mamaw Deane anyway. 😍😇
Each and every one of these describe me perfectly. It's been a long, rough journey of untangling abuse from both sides, now I'm in my mid 20s and I'm lucky as hell that I found the strength to turn things around as much as I have. Still not done, but sure a whole lot better than I once was. Having to screw things up to learn as an adult sure is rougher, but if you never had a childhood then you didn't have a chance. I didn't pick this, it picked me. My heart goes out to all of us out there in this kind of situation. Much love ❤️
I had “Fighting in front of kids” and “emotion neglect” Both were pretty much my dads fault since he would always start yelling maliciously during their arguments. And he would always leave the emotional stuff to my mom or sisters, but when they weren’t around and it was just him, he would never listen to my feelings very well, and would always only ask to see me if he had a job for me.
I’m so glad people are talking about corporal punishment. I was taught that I had no right to refuse being hit or grabbed and it took me a long time to regain my autonomy. This was so damaging to me, and many others
I wish it was banned
I think people are fucking stupid for thinking it's bad. Parents are supposed to punish you,and words will NOT do it all the time, what if you have a child who kills or rapes someone growing up? Are you not going to punish them for that?
@@GabrielleTollerson Well lucky for you, I lived this scenario. My brother did beat and rape me because my parents spanking us or hitting us with a wooden spoon showed him that I was to be abused if I didn’t do what he wanted. You teach violence and that is what your child learns and no, spanking him never fixed that. You have to model respect for autonomy and for other human beings, not beat them because they don’t immediately understand. Hitting doesn’t teach us anything but violence
@@spicepandaexeTrue anyone who thinks otherwise has no restraint or discipline
@@spicepandaexe hope u r fine dear...and im strongly against corporal punishment..my father never hit me..but my mother did..a lot..it used to make me angry..like a lot..i had anger issues..and im emotional as hell... i know she loves me a lot..i know that..but still..beating me never did anything good to me..
Growing up, my parents NEVER fought infront of me. I’m 19 now, and my parents say that they fight once in a while but never infront of us. Makes me realize how much awareness they had of us and how much they cared about how well we’d grow up. I’m surprised that this was recommended to me.
But did they show affection? My parents never had fights, or nice moments, or a calm argument, a nice chat, nothing, just nothing. I got no emotional ques from them at all. If I talked about feelings, they'd day I had it fine
And here my mom and dad literally fought in front of us . My dad even abused my mom verbally and physically.
During my childhood my dad used to come home drunk and beat my mom . Even when I tried to save my mom , he used to wait till I sleep then abuses my mom . Now he don't do that . My dad loves me a lot and i do too but I cant help myself I really really hate him .
No body knows how much depressed I am . I have been through so much . My dad used to beat my mom , abused my maternal grandparents. I even got sexually assaulted by my own fucking brother.
I don't know why I am telling this here . I am literally crying now remembering those horrible shit days .
The fact that my mom does all of this but the last one is just shocking. I thought this was normal
Corporal punishment or 'child abuse' is so common here. Like every parents does that. It's scary really. And I even gone through it myself.
It shouldn't exist but it does because people don't see the negative outcomes of it.
And they hide it under "discipline"..... Like what kind of "discipline" is it to beat a small, helpless child as a fully grown adult?
Childhood was absolutely terrible. Parents beat me when I made a mistake and never want to hear anything I have to say. Resulted in me being angry to others myself and also lack social skills. With better parents I could have become a more confident, happy, and social person. I now live alone and unfortunately have no resources to find a female partner.
I am sorry to hear that. unfortunately lots of ppl were not meant to become parents and their children are the ones who have to deal with the consequences of their bad parenting.
Hello, you are not at fault for your childhood...forgive yourself...find the book "what happened to you" and it will change your life.
Don't worry about finding a partner yet. Deal with your traumas, you cannot learn to sprint before you have learnt to crawl if you look for someone before solving your problems you will 100% destroy any relationship you try to build which isn't fair on you or the other person. The cold hard truth is that only one wh pcan fix your problems are you even though you didn't cause these problems of you don't solve them they never will be solved. I wish the absolute best for you bro you got everything you need within yourself, don't you forget that
Dying alone having never experienced love is the most common result of males being raised in deeply abusive homes unfortunately.
I’ve dealt with all of the aforementioned. Thanks again for being AWESOME! Love your videos. Keep it up!
I can instantly tell my parents are good parents, they really haven't pressured me over grades and stuff like that, but I'm actually doing better than when they used to pressure me
I'm so scared of having children. I'm also scared of NOT having children.
If you wanna have children, do everything you have on your bucket list, then have a child. Also do research on how to be a Good parent.
I feel you on this like I wanna have little bundles of joy but I'm also scared of being just like my parents
@@gabrielasolis2657 get therapy first. heal from your own trauma and then if you feel like you could make a good parent.... go ahead and have children
These comments are awesome. I have the same fear that I won’t be a good mom one day because of my emotional trauma.
I’m still a child but this video helped me reflect on the way I am treated by my parents. My parents constantly fight in front of me or behind closed doors, so much that I can barley sleep at night. The way my parents argue with swearing, divorce, threats, or violence does not makes me feel safe at home. I know they care about me but I am never at ease. I also feel under pressure to do my chores immediately or get good grades or I’ll be in trouble. I really appreciate awareness being brought to this topic as it makes me feel like people care about these situations. Thank you.
One of the things on my little sister's x-mas wishlist was for them to stop fighting. My stepdad started crying and my mom went 'well you guys are the reason we fight so stop doing things to make us fight'
I related to ALL of this and it sucks. Thanks for acknowledging our pain.
To mothers and fathers watching this video and who suffered as a child and doing the mentioned points to their own child: Being here and watching this is an important step towards the recognition to break the cycle of emotional pain. As a parent you're able to get off this pain train with your child. Or at least to minimize the damage. I am not a religious type of person, but this cycle of pain caused by parents and passed on to the next generation reminds me far more of a rebirth and the buddhist Samsara. Good to see you here to end this cycle of suffering.
After learning about narcissistic abuse and complex PTSD and finding so many common things said by my own abuser I realize that I more than likely have complex PTSD just cause of all the similar things that I've experienced and thoughts and felt that I've seen recorded as symptoms but as I started to gradually heal from that I had another traumatic experience that made me start to feel like everything was my fault and now I'm really having trouble getting back a little bit of confidence that I gained the first time around and it's the worst feeling because I can't seem to stop thinking and analyzing and getting the intrusive thoughts that I'm the problem in everything that went wrong
Sorry to hear that, hope you heal nicely and you got this!
Well , you did feel that you were healing . It shows that you can heal . It's the ptsd making you more focused on the negative side . Yes , things aren't the best but dwelling on them is going to make it worse . I hope you can get help from a professional and feel better . I believe in you buddy . Take care
@@mehakarya3770 thank you for the vote of confidence
@@addy_dew5575 I can't afford on my own to see a psychologist or a psychotherapist or do CBT or ERP and I'm pretty sure that I also so have OCD and while I do plan on going to try to see a free therapist for a little counseling and help and really scared that it's not going to work and as much as I try not to believe all the negative thoughts it's really hard to believe that I am a good person and that the thoughts aren't actually what I want and that I'm lying to myself or in denial like I often was told or I'm told by my thoughts and it's a really difficult battle. Even though I keep getting the thought that I'm just posting these things for attention but I really do look out for as much information as possible to help myself so I can heal and get better because I want to live a happy life with what life I have left.
Im so sorry to hear that:< but pls remember to stay strong,even when it's hard,i believe in u 💕
The fact that you mentioned how some say that they were fine after corporal punishment I think is the biggest argument that was needed to be brought up.
they are either in denial of how messed up they are or lack self awareness and use it as an excuse to pass on the trauma to their own children
@@codegirl2069 I feel like the latter may be the more likely answer.
My parents used corporal punishment on me and I always assumed that it was fine and I was fine. I always thought “well I mean, I turned out just fine, what’s wrong with a spanking?”. But when my younger brother came along I changed my mind. Cause actually seeing a someone receive corporal punishment is different than experiencing it. I can push away the current fear of my parents and pretend I don’t flinch but to see this kid get hit but it be okay because “it didn’t leave bruises”, idk it just changed my whole outlook.
People these days have no idea about the difference between abuse and punishment because in our current cultural climate we associate corporal punishment with traumatised WWII veterans getting drunk and chasing their children with a belt, and those children growing up to do the same.
The fighting in front of children thing is really important. There have been many times where I had to break up fights between my mom and stepdad because I could tell someone might get hurt, had to cover my younger brothers ears while they were fighting in the next room, or even had to stop phone calls with friends because they were fighting at the time. It really does have a negative impact, I can't watch people even jokingly yell without tearing up because of it. It's really important to make sure you keep the fights where the children can't hear, or even better, don't fight at all.
as someone who has been watching your videos since 2020 i have never came across a video to make me cry. when you started talking about emotional neglect everything inside me that’s bottled up just came out. it’s 4 a.m. and i wasn’t going to cry loudly but the realization was … terrible in a way. for the favorite child thing. ya, i may have only one sister but how i view it is her feelings matter to my parents, but not mine. i’ve never been asked “how am i” or “hey you doing ok” it’s always “ya that’s what i said to *my father project manager* when he was talking about” i’m never able to say anything. we have ever only had one family discussion and when we did i kept trying to open up but i was shut down every time. sitting for dinner is torture at this point i just get yelled at for having a different opinion. welp thanks for listening to me rant.
My parents used to severely abuse me as a child. I am 15 now and I don't let that happen. I am also very rebellious and have very low self esteem. I also have ADD. My parents also put intense pressure on me to study. Because of my ADD I get distracted easily. But they say I am just being lazy. I can't make them understand. They also compare me to my friends, some of whom are toppers. In the last few years, this has negatively affected my relationship with my friends as I see them more as competitors than friends now. They also say that as a teenager I should be strictly controlled and they barely give me any privacy. They say that the teenage years are very bad years for children. They have very old fashioned thinking.
i went through the same thing at that age. once you turn 18 they’ll ease off you.
@@shay249 thanks, as fast as I am able to secure a job, I am out of this helhole
I’m 54 and they did the same thing to me . I knew I had add but they called me lazy and never got me any help . Yet till this day it all effects me and my life
@Aspect Hey man, as a 23 year old with ADD raised in a similar enviroment I would advise a touch of weariness around the ODD elements of ADD. That rebellious spirit can be a source of strength but it can also lead to subtance abuse and dealings on the wrong side of the law. It took me many years to pull myself out of that hole and I have known others who weren't so lucky. That being said, you are a part of the tribe of the greatest creative minds roaming this blue pebble. Most indignation you will face is bourne out of ignorance not genuine hate. Try to not take it seriously! I sincerely wish you the best going forward!
@@iSTABABIESWITHCRAYON I know I have a high disregard for rules and people who pose as authority. Also I have problems following routines. All of these makes me feel like I am caged and it limits my capabilities and self judgment. Although I have disregard for rules I understand that laws are necessary to efficiently govern a large no of people. So I don't think I will ever go down that path. Thanks for the info anyways
I HIGHLY relate with number 4. I was "spoiled" growing up with my grandmother, yes. But she always used corporal punishment on me for the smallest things and my dad almost never considered my emotions. And it's all because my dad's dad never sat down with him and just talked. So my dad never did it with me.
I don't think it's a valid reason for him to neglect you just bc he experienced it too. That has nothing to do with his past but with what kind of person he is
@@yoon7217 Yeah that's what I didn't get at first. And my grandmother believed children should be scared of their parents.
You will be the one in your family to break the cycle.
My dad's the same way. his dad wasn't there emotionally for his family, and from what my dad has said, even cheated on his wife with another woman at one point. My dad has only ever had to worry about himself for so long, and now even though he's living here in the states, all he thinks about is himself. He never considers my feelings, nor did he consider my mom's.
Sometimes I feel like to die from the pressure they give me
It's up to you if you want to be a better then them or not
I was spanked a little when I was very young. I stopped breaking the rules after that out of fear. My parents developed healthier discipline strategies as I got older and they had my siblings.
I deeply love my family and I am very happy to have parents like them, the problem though is that as much as I love my parents I also hate them for giving me a lot of traumatic experience that doesn't only ruined my childhood but also my teenage years. I'm 20 now and having a mid-life crisis because of my past, I honestly don't know where in my life I'm heading to or what should I do to stop these nagging thoughts of wanting to end my suffering but I'm hoping to move on from my trauma and live a life I really wanted. I do hope that day will come
i kinda relate-
U can’t have mid life crisis at twenty 😂
I feel like the only perk of having a toxic parent is that you know how to NOT treat your child if you have one. Edit: Ik this isn't always so please don't tell me in the comments...
Not everyone...sometimes they do what they know because that what was normal to them .
I’m afraid of doing the same things to my kids. Therefore I absolutely need my partner to stay with me to help with children if I have any.
My dad had a toxic parent So uhh Not always
@@picklepocketpig I’m afraid of that too, I don’t want to have kids or think about it until I know that I’m ready and I unlearn and stop the toxic behaviour that I’ve known all my life.
but most of the time when people do have toxic parents, they often decide not to have children.