My Twin Baby went into Cardiac Arrest and passed away. (Story)
2023 ж. 9 Мау.
347 459 Рет қаралды
I can go on and on speaking about Alana. This video was originally 2 hours long and I tried my best to cut it short. I hope you all understand what happened. I know it’s easy to judge, but if you can please be respectful. I already feel like the worst mom ever 😢 This is my way to vent. Some of you can’t see this type of content and i understand but, I have to live with it even though I wish I didn’t have too. Anyway. THANK YOU to all my virtual family who has been here supporting through it all with no judgement ❤️
I'm a retired pediatrician who worked in a tertiary children's hospital and I want you to know that you are the best mom! It's overwhelming what non-medical parents are expected to handle by themselves these days. Don't second guess yourself because I wouldn't have expected you to know what was happening. In fact, a lot of regular doctors not experienced with ultra sick babies wouldn't have suspected sepsis either. You gave your baby everything you had to give, especially love. I know my words aren't helpful because moms never give themselves a break, but I hope you can. I'm truly so sorry. 💔
I'm going to try this for the second time. I just wanted to say thank you for everything you've done. I don't know how long you have been a pediatrician before you had retired but it's hard it's not like it is portrayed in the movies it's no walk in the park I was trying to say and then my phone cuz I was doing a speech text was turning it into a completely different conversation😂 but thank you
@@mariah2302 What a kind thing to say! I’ll be honest; I retired earlier than I imagined I would when I started. I wasn’t very good at “leaving work at work.” I had a hard time detaching and it only got worse after I had my own children. It was the right decision for me and my family, and it seemed like an appropriate time to step away. I had taken care of a generation of children from birth until adulthood.
@drkatel you have spent your entire life taking care of others now it's time for you to do you to enjoy your life because that's it we only get one some of us are going through horrible things some of us or not someone else can take off they can pay their rent some of us can't unfortunately like me but what I am saying is that someone else part it's now time for your part. No one really knows what it's like to be a doctor or a nurse and how stressful it has gotten from before covid and after covid, but it's a struggle. A toddler doesn't come out of his mothers womb walking and talking much less, being a toddler to begin with🤣🤣 ouch that would hurt. But the point being that even you are going do you have to learn to take care of yourself. You deserve it anyone deserves it really but you really should get more of a just a better place in this world we forget we just go to the doctor's office and forget that the doctor is a person too. If there's any misspelled letters or weird sentence in there I have a really bad habit of using the talk text thing so yeah apologies
Oh my gosh I can not tell you how much this broke my heart. I am so sorry that this has happened. I was crying the hole time you were talking.I really can’t imagine how you feel. I felt like I was having an emotional breakdown. I am so sorry for what has happened to you. Just know that she is up in heaven in peace and you will see her one day. God bless you and your family.😢
Erica, as a mom and a physician, I can tell you did everything possible. Sepsis and renal failure are very complex metabolically. Letting her go to UCLA gave her the best chance for survival-she would not have survived with out dialysis. With sepsis, there's always shock lung, liver, kidney, and heart effects, sometimes worse than expected due to the way the body over responds to the infection. Even healthy young adults die. You are an incredible mom and you did EVERYTHING RIGHT and everything possible to save your baby. When dealing with chronic conditions, it is hard to know when something is an emergency, as you live in emergency mode every day. You try to find a balance between living in hospitals and ERs and trying to have a reasonable quality of life and to protect your child from unnecessary pain. I am a physician with a serious life threatening condition and struggle on a daily basis with it. No one knows perfectly how to manage these things. You can't expect yourself to have known either. You loved her so much and she knew it. Don't let those crazy whispers in your head tell you different. You are a great mom and you did everything possible and right. We can't control what God or any higher power has in store for any of us. You did all of the loving things possible for your sweet baby girl and she will continue to feel your love ❤
I work in an ER. Pediatric codes are what we dread but prepare for. Understand that you and hubby did everything you could have. Don’t let the “what ifs” tear you apart even further. This little one knew she was loved.
I am so sorry for your baby
You are NOT a terrible mother. Prayers for you and your family.
There is nothing that you could do. You are a good mother. God just decided that he wants another little Angel with him. Luckily we know that you will see your beautifull baby again one day.
I'm so sorry about your baby, Angel Alana!!! I lost my my baby boy Caleb in 2011 from pneumonia!!! I blamed myself for years after he passed away. The night before he passed away, he didn't sleep well. He acted like he had some kind of virus, not something serious. He was born with numerous health issues. I took him to the ER every single time, no matter what doctors would say. Usually, I would take him right away, but not that day. I decided to let him sleep for a while longer, but he never woke up again. As a mother who has lost my baby, I can share in your grief. I'm in tears now remembering when I pleaded with the EMTs to keep going. I remember walking through the hospital doors and falling to my knees screaming. There's no words to describe this pain because it's unimaginable. Praying for you and your family's healing. I hope that you will find comfort knowing you aren't alone. Thanks for sharing your story with me.
I'm so so sorry, mama. I don't know you but I love you. I'm so sorry.
I am really sorry too for your loss.. please take heart 🙏🙏🙏.. God be with you,🙏🙏🙏
I'm so sorry I cannot imagine this pain. My heart is with you.
It's NOT your fault. Sorry for your loss
Thank you for sharing!! Always remember: Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth. Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled. Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God. Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for My sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you.
When a baby cannot speak or tell you their symptoms BLOOD WORK should never be skipped!!! I can’t stop crying for you after watching this. I cannot imagine the emotions you are going through. Ugh. Absolutely heartbreaking 💔
Exactly my thoughts. I cannot believe they just skipped it and didn’t tell mom of another lab she could go to especially with her being sick and wheezing. They told her she didn’t NEED it. I 100% consider that malpractice. Granted, it could have taken around 24-48 hours for results but still… my god my heart breaks for her and her family.
When the video of you talking to your baby and her eyes fluttering and her little mouth moving passed, it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen😢 she immediately recognized you and reacted to her mommy's voice❤ I am so sorry for your unimaginable loss... I can feel your pain through the screen. I am so incredibly sorry 🥺💔
I agree..Alana reacted to her moms voice
I know it hurts to hear, but there is NOTHING you could have done that would have saved her, sweet lady. You did everything humanly possible. The doctors and nurses did everything humanly possible. I know we love to blame ourselves as mothers, but this was a freak incident that was completely out of your control. You are the best mom they could ever have. I am so so sorry 💔
I am so sorry for your loss. I just saw the short video of your photo shoot and came here to see what happened. I’m not sure if you’ll ever see my comment or if it’ll help but listen, mom… I’m a bereavement and grief counselor. Watching this video I was blown away at the amount of composure and strength you have to talk about your experience. I work with a lot of mothers and I see a lot of trauma. You 100% disassociated during this video more than once and the way you snapped back into telling your story and being alert for Celeste, … especially with how soon this video was made after going through something like this, you are strong as hell and a damn good mother. I don’t see that often in most people.. even after years of initially losing a loved one. I see you. I feel you. You are so powerful and so brave and such a fighter. I hope you and your family have access to grief and trauma therapy to give you a safe place to process what you feel without trying to be strong for everyone else. You deserve to take up space, you deserve to project out grief. I hope you find peace and joy in small things. I hope you start to laugh again. I hope you dance and sing again. I hope food tastes wonderful again. I hope you fall asleep easily again. From this short video, I know you are capable of it and I wish you as much joy as possible. Please take care of yourself. You are beautiful. You are full of purpose. You are an outstanding mother. You are so loved. From one grieving mother to another, you are everything most of us aspire to be. Take care, mama.
This ❤
I will never forget the words when the dr told me our daughter had absolutely no brain function. I dropped to my knees and screamed.. I will never forget those last few heartbeat always hold on to that..8 yrs this Christmas for us and all I can hear of feel are those last heart beats and it brings comfort. You're an amazing mom please never forget that.
Sending you hugs. The separation brought by death is painful, and I pray that God will continue to strengthen you. God bless you.
Girl you are stunning, strong and the way you are able to discribe the situation is amazing.. I am a doctor and I have seen this happen to a lot of people. Most of them are unable to express their feelings... Every a mother comes in with a child and goes home with a mental trauma after loosing their kid... Alana is your child and you are in discribe able. You are strong brave and an amazing mom
I'm so sorry about your daughter. My baby died on Christmas day as well. My heart broke. I will be praying for you.
To think of the “I should have”s is a dangerous slippery slope. My mom was my sister’s primary caretaker for almost ten years before she passed from complications from end stage kidney failure earlier this year. Things happened as quickly as they did with Alana and almost the exact same situation as well. My mom went through this too in the aftermath, wondering about the what ifs and how she could have done more. You did everything right and went above and beyond. Don’t ever doubt that you gave your daughter the best love and care during the time you had her.
No one could have known that the Alanna had birth defects. They could happen even if the mother did everything correctly.
The Lord is in control of everything and she is in His arms… no matter what, it’s not your fault she passed… she would have died eventually and she would have suffered… her suffering is over now and she will be raised to eternal life and she will be healed and she will live forever along with her family and loved ones.. The Lord will heal your heart but your grieving will take time but for now, you have a wonderful family who loves you and will help you heal your broken heart
I’m only about 10 minutes in. My heart breaks for you. Losing that beautiful little girl was NOT your fault. You seem like an amazing, loving, attentive mother and I’m so sorry for your loss. Jesus bless and comfort you🙏🏽
Completely agree, poor thing I really hope she can stop blaming herself that’s horrible
It's not your fault Mama, My prayers are with you 🙏🏻🕊️💔
Nun!m.. A
I recently lost my dad to lung cancer. He was only 51. All of this is so painfully familiar. Sending lots of love.
I'm so sorry
You poor mama please don’t blame yourself 😢 sending you so much love
Bless them for continuing resuscitation until you arrived, giving you that chance to say goodbye. I’m so sorry for your families pain. Your videos keep coming up in my feed, so your sweet angel will never be forgotten. Again, I’m so sorry for your pain.
i’m only a few minutes in but sweet girl, you cannot blame yourself. you can’t know what you don’t know. if the DOCTORS who go to school and train for a decade+ to specialize in that specific field don’t know, how can you? ❤
Do u not realize that there is a shortage of doctors/nurses/pharmacists? Overworked, understaffed, underpaid. Has the healthcare system not effected your life in the past 2 yrs? Thanks to Biden
Sounds like the hospital was to blame for sending her home the few days before
@@janewagner1601i thk so too eap qhen doctor had a chance to run labs and said that she didnt need them bc ahe didnt have whatver diagnosis or treatment (icant remeber what was the explanation). But i do thk the dr. is to blame.
@@skeleton_wa_migraine1736labs aren't a magical cure
Erica she had the the best mom she could have ever had she knew you loved her every second she was alive. Praying for you and your family 🩵🩵🩵🩵
This made me cry❤
She knew her mama was there with her. Sending so much love and prayers to your family. You do deserve to be a mama I know it’s so hard to pick up the pieces and find a way to live again but those kiddos still there with you will carry you through your darkest days.💞
I literally just prayed for you this whole video. Just praying for comfort for you. From my heart. When mothers are in pain and grief all mothers feel some of it and feel a little portion of that grief with you, even tho I know it can’t compare to the reality for you. God please be there for this momma ❤
Amen ❤
Amen❤ 🙏
Amen. ❤
Amen. 🙏
So true about morhers. I can't stop crying. May God comfort this family.
My brother had vacterl/vater syndrome as well. Your baby is the first I have heard of having this syndrome since my brother.. I am so sorry for your loss of your precious baby girl. My brother lost his battle to it too in 2014 when his kidney gave out in his sleep.. He was only born with 1 large deformed one so it was working overtime.. I miss him dearly but I am glad to have found your videos.. Keep raising awareness about vater/vacterl association because it is incredibly rare & more people should know about it. ❤❤
Erica, thank you for sharing your story about your beautiful Alana. My daughter Nova died of SIDS last year and I too felt like giving my living son to someone who could take care of him because I felt like the biggest failure that I couldnt keep my 6 day old baby alive. My heart aches for you but just know even though we have regrets it wasnt your fault. My name is Erika too and I found your video for a reason... although our circumstances were different I could relate to almost everything you said. The moment they say they are stopping resuscitationwas the worst moment of my life besides finding her not waking up.. i hated everyone in that room and It felt so unreal. it feels good to know im not alone in this pain which no one understands unless theyve lived it. I am thinking of and praying for you and I am so proud of you for going on when everything in you sometimes says not to. Love Erika
Sending love ❤
Praying for both of u mommies, don't give up❤
So sorry for what you had to go through 😓😓.. please take heart...🙏... God be with you 🙏🙏
You will see your beautiful Nova again. God bless you and your family ❤
I’m sorry ❤
I’m so sorry mama. You did everything right and in time you will see that she is still with you and by your side. Her dna is still inside of your body, don’t you every forget that. And her spirit will always be with you as she walks alongside you and her sisters. I wish I could hug you and cry with you. ❤️
oh god! i never cried this bad for someone i never met.. i have my 4 month old baby girl, and i feel every pain in ur words and in the way you would talk to alana:( it makes me so sad and i pray to mi virgencita y mi papa jesus que los cuiden a toda tu familia! i love you, god bless you guys! 🥺🫶🏼🫶🏼 wish i could meet you guys & hug you & celeste! 🥺
I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter
Sorry indeed.
I can’t believe I came across your video today of all days. Our 1 week old baby girl Sarah Grace went into cardiac arrest 21 years ago today (on my birthday) It was one the worst days, next to the day she died and the day we had to bury her. Dec 16th was my birthday so my husband told me to get out of the house and visit my friend that lived across the street from us. Little later he called to tell me to come home because Sarah wouldn’t stop crying and was turning blue. We rushed her to ER where we were told she was in cardiac arrest. They transported her to a bigger hospital in Youngstown Ohio where doctors says she had a heart defect and they had to life flight her to Rainbow hospital in Cleveland, Ohio. We were shocked because when the dr did the checkup on Sarah she told us she was perfectly healthy. It was hard seeing her in the incubator hooked up to all the monitors. They kept her in the PICU for a week till her heart was strong enough for surgery. I stayed there alone for a week while my husband worked and my mom took care of our 3 year old daughter. It was so hard being there alone with no one there for support. Everyone at the hospital was smiling, excited about Christmas coming up while my baby was barely hanging on for life and half her body weight. I was angry and hated everyone. She didn’t even look like the same baby we brought home from the hospital. They operated on Dec 23. My husband brought my mom and our daughter. Our daughter was asking all the nurses to please make her baby sister better😢 Doctors did their best but Sarah’s heart went through too much trauma and it was too weak and would have lots of complications We had to make the hardest decision to let her go. We didn’t want Sarah to suffer anymore. The social worker asked if we wanted her to let our daughter know but my husband wanted to be the one to tell her but when he tried, he broke down and the social worker had to tell Alyssa our daughter. She screamed “no” and started crying uncontrollably. Seeing our 3 year old daughter who was so excited to finally be a big sister, only to find out she died and she was taken away from her just broke us. We all got to hold her 1 last time and helped make a footprint cast. I still remember how cols her tiny hands and feet felt. I felt like I had to cover her to warm her up, not thinking she won’t ever be warm. They gave us back Sarah’s clothes she had on when she was brought there. It still had her scent andsmelled like her. We had to drive back the 1.5 hour drive home in 2 separate cars without our baby. It didn’t feel right not having her with us and leaving her at the hospital. It was so hard driving home alone with an empty car seat. I don’t even driving home. When we came home it was so hard seeing the crib with all her things in her room. I was a mess. If I didn’t have a daughter to take care of I know I would have gone into deep depression and probably would have just stayed in bed all day. It felt like a part of my limb was missing. I thought about her every second and felt like my heart physically hurt. I felt like I needed to talk soon someone but no one would understand the pain I was going through unless you’ve also experienced the loss of a child. Lukily I found a support group called “empty arms” which really helped talking to other mothers that have also experience loss of a child. I also wanted to have another child but I had my doctor tie my tubes right after my tubes tied right after my c-section so I had to wait till I was totally healed to get a tubal reversal surgery. I got my reversal surgery but was scared I wasn’t able to get pregnant again. In the meantime 2 of my sister in laws and one of my best friends all got pregnant when none of them were even trying to get pregnant. I was happy for them but it hurt that I wanted to get pregnant so bad but it wasn’t happening as fast as I wanted but I finally got pregnant. I was worried and hoped and prayed this pregnancy would go well and my baby would be healthy. Thank God everything worked out and we were blessed with our son Evan David on Feb 17, 2004. We couldn’t have asked for a better son. He’s kind, generous and has beautiful heart. I’ll always miss Sarah and wonder what kind of person she would have grown up to be but I want to think part of her soul went into our son Evan when he was born. I can’t imagine our life without him but if Sarah would have survived we would have never had Evan. We’re grateful we were given another chance to be parents to a truly wonderful human being❤ Losing a child is the worst possible pain a parent can ever go through. It’s the kind of pain that cuts so deep. I used to beat myself up wondering if I could have done anything to prevent her death. As a mother you can’t help but not wonder about things like that. I don’t beat myself up anymore. We just celebrate her birthdays and live our lives till we can be reunited again.❤️
There can be no light without darkness. There’s a reason we can only see the exquisite beauty of stars at night. Their brilliance is exponentially increased or decreased by the level of darkness surrounding us. The actual brilliance of the stars does not change, only our perception. Thank you for sharing your story and huge hugs to all of you. 🫶 My heart goes out to you & your family. I keep thinking of your husband & the trauma he went through & prob still is. Men are naturally the head of the family, the protectors; by nature do not have that natural “mom instinct”. Their sense of failure is hard core & most often, all consuming. They can get lost in the darkness surrounding that even with all the support we offer. Please give him an extra hug. 🫶❤
I'm so so sorry. I cried when you said about your daughter Alyssa 😢
So sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your family’s story, God bless.
@@rebeccachapman6442 thank you. Yes my husband took it hard. I think that was the first time I’ve ever seen him cry and break down. As hard as it was being alone at the hospital I’m sure it was just as hard for him not being able to be there with us. I know men deal with grief differently and most don’t like to talk about their feelings and keep it bottled inside. They feel they have to be strong for everyone. They are also fixers and I’m sure it was hard for him knowing he couldn’t fix it. I really wanted to talk to him and share what we both went through but when I tried,he would get angry and just shut down. I started to resent him but l was grateful to have found the Empty Arms support group where I could share my experience and hear other mothers that also experienced loss. I’m not sure if our marriage would have survived if I didn’t have an outlet for my grief. I can understand why so many couples end up divorced after losing a child. I’m just glad we were able to get through it. We’ve been married for 27 years and together for 30.
@@TaylortheBarbie13 thank you. Alyssa just turned 3, 2 months before Sarah was born. She was very young but she was very bright for her age. Our friends would tellI us she was an old soul. She started speaking in full sentences before she was 2 and when we were around family, friends, little kids, she would always be around adults having conversations with them. I’m not saying this to brag but to let you know that as young as she was, she understood exactly what was going on, which was kind of a curse considering what we went through. She knew Sarah was very sick and might not be able to come home. We never talked to her about death but somehow she understood. Some people assumed she was too young to understand and that was one time I wish she wasn’t as bright as she was. When I called to talk to her she would ask if Sarah was going to get better and if she was coming home for Christmas. I couldn’t lie and it broke my heart. She was in pre-school and was so excited that she was finally a big sister. She had a favorite stuffed animal, a dog she named “Puddles” and someone found and got her a mini version of Puddles. She called him baby Puddles and gave it to Sarah when she was born. On the day of Sarah’s surgery my husband came and brought my mom and Alyssa. When they came into the Picu where Sarah was in the incubator hooked up to tubes and bunch of wires keeping her alive, Alyssa started crying. She touched Sarah’s tiny fingers then asked the nurse if she could put baby Puddles in the incubator with Sarah so she wouldn’t be so lonely. Nurses told her she could and helped her put baby Puddles in and we got a photo of them both together with their stuffed animals. I tried so hard not to break down but couldn’t stop the tears. It was the day of the surgery and 2 days before Christmas. They had a Santa going around the hospital giving out gifts to all the kids. Santa gave Alyssa a present and she asked him if she could have another one for her baby sister. Finally the doctors started the surgery. The waiting was the worst. It was the hardest, longest few hours of our life. We were trying to keep Alyssa busy, trying to pass the time and keep from falling apart. Alyssa would ask every nurse she saw if they could make bay Sarah better. She understood how crucial this surgery was and thought they were going to fix her baby sister. We prayed Sarah’s little heart was strong enough to handle the surgery but we were told her heart had been through too much trauma and couldn’t handle the surgery. The toughest part was having to tell Alyssa. My husband tried but couldn’t do it so the social worker had to tell her. I can still hear her cry. I think at that moment my happy, carefree daughter lost some of her innocence. She experienced death and it changed her. She lost some of her beautiful sparkle. We came home and she showed me the Christmas crafts she made for Sarah at pre school but knew she could never give it to her. In our town we have people that dress as Santa they visit all the homes that has their porch lights on day on Christmas Eve. We still tried to put a smile on our faces to make Christmas special for Alyssa. Santa stopped at our house and she sat on his lap. He asked Alyssa what she wanted for Christmas and she said she wanted her baby sister Sarah to get better and be home for Christmas but she died. The poor Santa didn’t know what to say. I felt bad for him so we changed the subject fast. We went through the motions during Christmas for Alyssa’s sake but it was so hard. Alyssa had gifts for Sarah that she could never give her. We had Sarah’s funeral few days later and said our good-byes…until we meet again😢💔
That’s the thing about babies, it’s when they don’t cry that’s the most scary! It’s not you’re fault, there no way on earth you could have known, you did some much, you tried to spread you’re time between all your children and you did your VERY BEST. In no way is it your fault, it’s so unfortunate and heartbreaking, but without a doubt you did the most you could have possibly ever done! ♥️♥️ You’re an amazing mum, please don’t ever doubt that! ❤❤
I’m so sorry momma. You did everything you could for her!!
my son was born at 25 weeks at UCLA so I know the pain of the halls at the nicu and picu. I am so sorry for your pain and your tremendous loss. I know all about mom guilt but I hope you can come to a place of peace within yourself. You did what you could in an unimaginable situation. You are an amazing mother.
How is your son doing now?? (I just read your comment) ❤
God Bless You and Your Family. When burying a child, the pain is unreal. 30 years later, and I still feel like I'm being punched in the stomach. Will add you to my prayer chain. You did all that you could do. She was blessed to have a mother like you❤
When you are exhausted you are EXHAUSTED!!!! Dont blame yourself for anything that happened. You showed your daughter that you, both parents, did what you had to do.
This video brought out literally every emotion I’ve ever felt when my kid was and hearing how everything went down…can’t help but cry and be angry but also feel so much love and gratitude for the fact that she is not feeling that pain that was feeling anymore and didn’t have to fight anymore. I’m sorry you experienced this. I’m sorry baby girl expressed this.
She's on the safer side now❤ I couldn't watch without crying😭. The pain I can feel it too. Being a mother is the greatest gift of all. God bless your family 🙏🏻 Stay strong. "And know still that he is God"
You did what you could. I hate this pain for us. Its been almost 13 years since my baby went to heaven. I still feel this pain like it just happened. Peayers for you and all out mommas that had to go through this horrible pain 💔
I'm so sorry. 😢 my heart just breaks for you mothers
My heart is absolutely broken for you Mama. You and all your babies are in my prayers ❤
You are an amazing mother and did EVERYTHING you could and will always be the best mama for her. She's a beautiful angel and will always be watching over her family. Thank you for sharing her story so that we can keep her memory alive ❤
You are a wonderful mother. So loving. So capable. And she felt your love. Her short life received more pure love than some people get in a lifetime.
I just found your page and subbed. I've had silent tears rolling down my eyes through the shorts, and I decided to come see the story. One thing I noticed, is all of the noise. All of the over stimulation, it seems like 24/7. I know everyone deserves a chance to grieve including her siblings but momma....you haven't even gotten to begin to grieve her yet. Hearing chirps from the birds in the background, a kid making a noise 24/7, etc. I know you can't stop being a mom, but please, I know it'll be hard, get away. With your husband if only for a weekend. Go into the mountains or a secluded spot, and scream. Wail, jump up and down, hit the earth, have that release. As I said, i've only just been watching you for maybe an hour, and in this video especially, I see it. You're catching yourself start to really break down, and stopping, because you don't feel like you can FULLY let those absolutely gut wrenching emotions out w your other kids or even neighbors hearing you. You deserve to, my god do you need it. I'm sorry if I sounded like I pried, or if I was harsh, but your soul is like a puzzle right now and a piece was removed. It seems like you've had to share her loss w everyone else. But Alana was your baby, don't feel guilty for taking her, and your husband somewhere and getting that much deserved time. I hope you see this, and I hope you know, i'm thinking/praying for you during this process. ❤
NONE of this is your fault. I'm sorry you feel that way,and that you were let down so terribly by your healthcare system. ❤❤
You did your best, I'm sorry the doctors didn't use common sense- like they shouldn't have taken out the catheter in the first place
I think she should have been admitted to the hospital. How dare they make the mother struggle with catheters and numerous trips to the ER. My heart breaks for this family and the loss of beautiful baby girl Alana.
That rainbow and the E was your sign that she was happy with everything and still had to show her mama she loves her. Amazing how god works these miracles ❤love and light to you
You are a great mom! Don’t ever blame yourself, Don’t ever live with guilt. You gave her months of pure love and you will be reunited with her again! ❤ your girls are so lucky to have to! Keeping you and your family in my prayers! My heart aches with you, stay strong and keep your faith strong! 💪 God is good even in moments of pain God will be with you
It’s not your fault Mama- she got sick and was immune compromised- you did the best you could with the information you had available to you in the moment. Love to you.
Hearing you makes me break apart for your family. I am so sorry for the loss. I hope God can help you recover. ❤
I know it's been 6 months but I just wanted to say how very sorry I am about your daughter. I couldn't imagine going through this. Your so strong. Your daughter knew how much she was loved. ❤
I’m sorry for your loss, your baby came back to see you one more time to let you know que te ama mucho, ella se fue sabiendo que tu la AMAS y que la amaras eternamente.
Oh momma heart to momma heart (twin momma here too) my heart breaks for you. I just wanted to tell you, I know no matter what, as their mommy we will always feel like we didn’t do enough or make the right decision, but there’s a doctor on here I love, and the saying she always says is “you did your very best with the information you had at that time.” And this can’t be more true for you. Starting back when her urine wasn’t coming out. You did EVERYTHING you knew to do for her. And as soon as her symptoms became more you did the right thing. You had no reason to know anything else was happening. Give yourself some grace sweetheart. You are a wonderful mommy! And your girls are all so beautiful! And they’re clearly loved beyond words. I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Sending love from a small town in Alabama. ❤
Please let go of the guilt. Even if you did everything perfectly we always feel guilty when we lose them because we love them so much.. May she rest in heavenly peace and I'm so sorry for your loss.
Love you you are a great mom
I am so so so sorry this happened to you! I’m a nurse and I’ve done CPR so many times-on GROWN people. I cannot imagine doing this on an infant. I can’t. She is an angel in heaven with my baby grandson now. They are playing together now at the feet of Jesus. This is not your fault! You are a great mom!!
Girl you are stunning, strong and the way you are able to discribe the situation is amazing.. I am a doctor and I have seen this happen to a lot of people. Most of them are unable to express their feelings... This causes mental trauma, health issues, and even stress which leads to heart attacks. It's a good thing you are able to express your pain and trauma. Every a mother comes in with a child and goes home with a mental trauma after loosing their kid... Alana is your child and you are indiscribable. You are strong brave and an amazing mom I don't care if you will ever see this... But I am telling you that you are strong brave and an amazing and a very good mother
A true mother. She knew she was loved and she clearly loved you too. Just like your other children. Stay strong ❤
Oh mama…. I’m so sorry for your loss. But please do NOT regret or blame yourself for not taking her to the ER. Our healthcare system is BROKEN as you said they kept sending her home. Not only that but Alana is at peace. She is the lucky one. Not suffering on this cruel earth. She is your angel. 👼you’re a fantastic mama. When I saw the twin say Alana’s name I know you guys keep her memory alive. And that is a wonderful legacy.
How could anyone judge you? Holy crap. You’re doing your absolute best. You did not fail and you are not a bad mom at all. I’m sending you so much love. I wish i could just come bring yall flowers and dinner and a hug.
Oh mama! My heart! I’m so sorry for your loss you’re so strong for enduring all those doctor appointments! And doing all that u did!!! May u find peace. You have a beautiful family!!! ❤
I am soooo soooo sorry , I can’t imagine what you have been through. Sending lots of prayers and love!
I’m so sorry plz plz don’t blame yourself. Even if you had taken her earlier this still would have happened. I lost my daughter from brain cancer last Thanksgiving 2022. It has been a long overwhelming year. I wish I could give you a hug 🫂 xoxoxo
I'm sorry for your loss...I wish this world wasn't so cruel....I often ask God, "why"..why so much pain
@@michellesalcido1401 Thank you Michelle. It is true and the pain is often unbearable to face but my question is not to God why there is so much pain as he does not inflict pain upon us. As human beings we are naturally imperfect and we unfortunately inflict pain on ourselves and each other quite often too easily without reason without thought. Others in the world experience much worse much harder lives deplorable living conditions in countries they cannot escape nor money to do so if they could. I have to remember why I am so fortunate and be grateful for what I have not what I have lost. We all experience pain for different reasons in many ways not usually by our own doing but regardless how please remember that most of the time it is humans causing pain amongst each other and the trials we endure are that are fated by God are lessons our souls needed to experience for reasons we may not understand now and non of those lessons are the ones humans cause upon one another non of Gods lessons are of taking our children and some diseases we are affected by because of our imperfections as humans and some are because the pharmaceutical companies don’t want the treatments to be readily available or even cures to be known because they and those in power would not be 😉 sad but more true than you know. I’ll give you an example! They legalized marijuana for recreational purposes off of MEDICAL use 🤔 yet you can go into any dispensary and ask for the highest THC “flower” and they will happily find and sell it to you BUT if you ask for the highest CBD flower which IS WHAT WE NEED to cure cancer MS and many other things. They will hand you a premade bottle of something that is nothing close to the CBD flower you need to make the oil from that ABSOLUTELY 100% cures!!! I have medical proof as my daughter lived 8yrs cured from a cancer that is not curable treatable or survivable. They gave us the ability to get high but in no way can we cure our own cancers. My daughter passed because I ran out of the CBD oils made right after her diagnosis and after it became legal we could not get anymore because growers couldn’t sell it to us anymore because of their legalities and profits through the dispensaries now. I will have a KZhead channel with more in depth information and proof of how this has occurred. 😊 xoxoxoxo
Oh momma, you are NOT to blame. We ALL do what we think is best!! I can feel the pain you are in and I am sending all my love and light to you and your family!!!
I came across one of your stories yesterday and I am so sorry for your loss. I know this happened a while back, but that loss to you is still very fresh. My son was murdered at 25yrs old and that was 4yrs ago and the grief is never gone. You just learn to live with that void. The E in the sky was such a special thing for you that I believe your daughter sent. I saw that the other twin looked into the sky seeing her sister I'm sure. It's Christmas eve so I wanted to say Merry Christmas to you and your family.
I’m sorry for your loss was there justice for his murder
I genuinely feel sorry for you. I have a twin, and I can't imagine ever losing her either. I also want to emphasize that it's not your fault. Please don't think that.
I can relate my baby brother also died because his head was open and we could see his brain he only lasted one day im really sorry for your lost I always cry when my mom drops his ashes of rage or when she talks about him when we’re in a fight and I yell at her I hope everything gets better for you🙁my mom also saw a rainbow when he died it’s really sad when your family members or friend or anything related dies😕I hope Alana is doing good up there she’s in a better place now😊
I am sooooo sorry for your loss! May beautiful baby Alana rest in peace.
When you starting crying I starting crying. I am so terribly sorry. I wish this never happened and I don’t want this to happen to ANYONE! I don’t care who it is no one should have to lose their sweet baby. I know it’s hard and it probably won’t get better but I’m sure you can get through this. Sending lots of prayers and love ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽
hearing you talk and say “I still had hope” breaks because i just keep hoping you say good news, you are such a good mama and Alana will forever be us.
I’m in awe of your strength and bravery in sharing your story, Ms Erica. My family had a tragic passing that hardly anyone talks about and it’s a dark wound that won’t heal. Seeing your offrenda for angel Alana … honoring her memory every day ❤ She was so loved her whole life. So many of us now know about her and remember her, too. I don’t think I’ll ever forget about her or your story. Baby Alana is making waves on Earth from her seat in heaven ❤ peace to you and your family
NO You are such a wonderful mom!! but a mom like you never ever deserves this....Alana have a peaceful life up there...😢😢
My condolences Mrs. Erica, to you, your husband, and your family. Thank you for opening up and sharing your most sincere personal experience. "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."❤
I’m so sorry about the loss of your precious baby, Alana. I can’t even imagine the pain you are feeling. 😢 You are a wonderful mama! Sending you and your family prayers and strength. ❤❤🙏
You did everything any mom would do. Under the circumstances, any parent would second guess. You remind me of both my sisters. They're amazing mothers. This totally broke my heart and made me cry. My brother and his wife lost a little one. She struggled with it also. Hold your precious babies. It takes time and grieving. I pray you find peace and comfort soon. 🙏🏻❤️
So tired of these doctors dismissing parents. They always dismiss concern at the detriment of the child. 😡😡😡
I don’t know why this on my time line but the devil won’t win 👀
@@Really766had the drs not dismissed her they might’ve caught things earlier but no. They sent her home! And drs constantly do this. And only the child suffers. Idk what your comment meant but I stand by mine.
When did the doctors dismiss her?
😢
Yes, these doctors dismiss us every time we state our concerns like we don’t matter! Like my specialist told me my Dr. did a good job lowering my cholesterol for the past two years, I told him I did that not my doctor, she gave me good information and I used it. Just to let him know that all I need from him is information, bad arrogant as if he can cure someone. We only need information from them to heal ourselves. This is why they don’t want the Holistic Doctors practicing because they help us heal ourselves.
I’m so so sorry mama. I’ve been following you for the longest. Twin mama here too.. I think about you all so often. Sending you hugs and prayers. May your beautiful girl rest peacefully.
My heart is breaking for you and your sweet baby. I’m so so sorry mama. My tiny baby was n the hospital for 12 days last summer and it was a nightmare. I cannot even fathom what you’ve been through though. I will keep you in my prayers.
I'm sorry for your loss... Rest in peace, Alana 💝
I cannot express how heartbroken I am. My heart truly goes out to you and your family. You did everything you could. Above and beyond for your daughter. You didnt give up and kept trying. Dont blame yourself. I just pray God brings you and your family peace, comfort and healing. In Jesus' Name. Amen.
I am so sorry for your loss. Will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
You're not a horrible mother! I can't imagine that pain you and your family are going through. You did everything you could to make sure your gorgeous, Angel Baby, Alana was safe and sound. I am so terribly sorry for your loss and your pain. I do hope that you have found some comfort in knowing that there are so many amazing mamas out there that have gone through what you have and are there for you always. You aren't alone Love! I wish I could give you the biggest hug! hang in there mama you are an amazing sweet soul that your daughters are proud to have as their role model! Much Love and healing prayers sent your way! I will be holding my babies tight forever!
Omggg 😩😩😩 talk about broken 😞 that video clip of her talking to her baby and her baby reacting shattered my heart 💔 I’m talking about immediately hysterical crying! That clip is powerful! A mother’s love is like no other! My heart is breaking for this mom 😢😢😢😢😢
I’m so sorry love. It never gets easier coming from an Angel momma myself, she fought one last fight to see you there with her don’t give up and from here on out everything is for her! May you all heal with time 💕
This was more than my heart could handle 😢💔 I am so deeply sorry for your loss. You are an AMAZING MOTHER. You did everything you could for your angel baby. The girls are blessed to have you as a mama. Be strong. Praying for you ❤🙏
You, sweet mama, are a wonderful mother and she was just as blessed to have you as much as you are to have her. Im praying for peace for your family. She was so incredibly loved and alwags will be. She knew how much you love her mama.
Nothing but love and compassion for you! So sorry you had to go through this. ❤
I’ve cried like a baby watching this..ended up with a headache..I’m so sorry mama! You did everything in your power..❤❤you are the perfect mom for your girls.
You and your family have been through so much. You are a very strong women. I pray that you find peace knowing you did everything you could as a loving mommy
I am so sorry for your loss!it sounds like you two had an amazing bond. I am sure she is with you with every step you take. May God Bless you and your family!
Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm so sorry for your loss sweetie, and I promise you aren't to blame whatsoever. You did all you could for your precious Alana, and she went to the stars knowing that her Mama loved her. Sending all my love and healing wishes your way, please take care xxx
What a crazy senseless way for your beautiful baby girl to die. I am so very sorry for your loss. Her baby twin is as gorgeous as she was. I hope her life stays well.
Alana what a beautiful name and baby girl! You are a wonderful mother. You did everything you could do for her. Most parents would not take their children to the hospital. They would wait for a doctors appointment. Mom guilt is a real thing especially in your situation at the time I could only imagine the amount of grief and guilt you were feeling and are still dealing with today. I am truly sorry for your loss. ❤
I’m so sorry for your loss, I couldn’t imagine what you went through, may she rest in peace❤️
You made all the right decisions. You didn’t make any wrong or bad decisions, im so sorry for you and your baby. You are so such a good mommy. You did everything you possibly could. I really can’t imagine how you must feel.sending you so much love and prayers
I absolutely melt down when I heard the story. Fly high baby Alana 🕊❤
Im so sorry. For you, mama and Alana's twin, Celeste. You guys were most connected to her, from conception. Always remember her fondly and keep letting your feelings out. You are definitely not a bad mother. Only a good mother would judge herself so harshly. God bless your heart and may it heal. And god bless Alana and Celeste. They will always have their bond and Alana will watch over her sister always and you, I'm sure of it. She knows you loved her and she knows you didn't abandon her.❤❤❤
Thank you for being brave enough in sharing your story. You are an amazing mother, Erica. Know that one day, you will be reunited with your precious baby girl, Alana. This is God's promise. Praying for you and your family.
Erica & Allan, my condolences to you & your family. I am beyond sorry about the passing of your beautiful baby girl. I believe Alana gained her wings on that helicopter ride, when you saw the rainbow & the letter 'E' in the sky. R.I.P. Sweet Angel Baby Alana ♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎♡♥︎
I’m so sorry for your loss!!! You did everything a good mom would have done!!!❤
I know you will see baby Alana again in the next life. Her little spirit is still alive waiting for you above. My heart hurts & I was in tears watching this entire video. I can feel a little of your pain through your story. Praying you will have peace & be comforted you are an amazing mother I know you cared deeply for her and did the best you could. She is in a much better place now with the rest of your passed loved ones ❤️
I am so sorry. From one mama to another, I can’t even imagine this pain. You are a great mom - I can tell. Knowing how deadly rhinovirus can be will help SO MANY other people, so you’re spreading awareness that many parents will benefit from. Alana will be missed ❤❤
I’m so sorry. My heart breaks for you, there’s nothing you could’ve done differently. She only knew love in her beautiful life. Many people rally for loved ones before they pass on, it’s not often talked about but it can often be mistaken as improving, I wish doctors and nurses would’ve warned you about it at the first hospital before the transfer and better communicated with you what happened during the ride over that changed. UCLA children’s is a really good hospital. Praying for you momma, may you find peace and comfort, no one should have to go through this.
I’m so so sorry for your loss. I’ve never been lucky enough to have a child but you are obviously a boss Momma. Take care of yourself through this hard life. Many blessings to you!! 😢😢❤❤
I’m so very sorry for your loss, grief and pain. Pleased don’t blame yourself. It was never your fault.
My dear mom ❤ please know that you were to her and forever are an amazing mom! There's is not a manual where it says you are supposed to know everything. But we feel your pain, and we understand where it comes from this blame. I know you'll find the way to come at peace with the pain and turn it away around and make it part of your strength. 💪 we love you, and we're here for you! And I have you on my prayers. It is the least we can do to support you through this difficult path!
May the little angel have eternal peace. Wish you and your family health, strength and happiness.
I also watched " Greys anatomy " I'm so sorry you lost your baby! I'm a twin and I don't know what I would do if my sister pass away. I know its not that same. I know you and your fam will recover. Just know she is in a better place and she isn't feeling any pain. Don't beat up yourself about her pass and you are a GREAT MOM. Its isn't your fault she passed and you could don't nothing to help her. I know it hurts right now but you will recover! I didn't know her but I know that she wouldn't want you to be sad and crying all the time, I think she'd want you to be happy ! I know it hurts but don't be sad forever. She would had been such a good person and you would been such a good mom loving her, feeding her, and hugging her. She was gone to soon but just know that she isn't in any pain at all. Hope well and God Bless you guys!
I hope telling yours and Alana's story has brought you some bit of peace in your heart. I feel quite voyeuristic watching this, as i don't know you or your family..but i figure you want people to know Alana. She was a beautiful baby. I'm very glad you have such a strong support system (big family, etc). I think, to varying degrees, _all_ moms feel massive guilt. Nothing you did was wrong. Absolutely nothing. You're a very good, loving mother. You did everything. Please don't hurt yourself further with "what ifs". Thank you for sharing ❤