Borderline’s Good Object, Bad Behaviors
2024 ж. 27 Ақп.
21 236 Рет қаралды
Borderline’s good object is compensatory: her misbehaviors and dysregulation belie it. Uses external regulation and fantasy to avoid the latter and thus affirm the former.
Narcissist’s misbehaviors are compensatory, intended to belie his/her bad object. Uses external regulation to enhance the former and thus deny the latter.
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The borderline hands over control to A partner or A special friend. It stands to reason that the partner or special friend is replaceable once they've served their purpose. Some of these replacements are lost forever. Others wait in line for an opportunity to serve the borderline once again.
I guess the lost replacements are the lucky ones or the ones with enough balls to say not again
@@herbertgoldstein1156 Yup. The borderline will always have new recruits to replace the ones that were smart enough to leave. She'll keep doing this as long as their are still options who want anything to do with her or as long as their looks allow them to.
@@aalves9453 I had a girlfriend with borderline. She mentioned how many people dont like her but never got into specifics why. Nobody really lasted in her life. People got exchanged on the road. I guess its nice being able to attract a lof of people but in the end its all superficial...
Borderlines don’t always replace people, they often “sober up” and practice avoidance.
I'm borderline. Diagnosed several years ago. The Psychiatrist said not one word about it, although took the DBT classes. I guess that should have clued me in. Having watched your videos and read your books is what brought clarity. It really helped me cope. I am flabbergasted that the psychiatric dept. at my HMO said very, very little. I remember telling my brother my diagnosis. Shoot, if I had known what the diagnosis really meant, I probably wouldn't have said a word. I'm close to my brother, but I feel people (even family) look at you differently with THAT kind of information. 😊
The only actual content anywhere on the internet thanks for your time Sam
I agree. Thank you Sam for just being you. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with anyone willing to listen and learn. Have a great day, everyone.
No kidding. He knows Borderline and Narcissists better than anyone I've seen.
Been so focused on my narcissistic ex obsessed about the diagnosis finding that I really have bpd I was diagnosed in the years ago but didn’t agree but your work brings clarity
Did they know nothing about borderline 20-30 years ago? This describes my sister perfectly but therapists just pushed bipolar disorder and lithium.
By 1975, BPD has been perfectly described in the literature.
Research has vastly improved over the last 10yrs, 5yrs, 3yrs… that’s how I’ve finally made sense of my life at 45. Had this been more available 30yrs ago I would have lived a far more fulfilling life and hurt others and myself far far far less or not at all. There are 256 combinations of the criteria and no Borderliner is the same.. there is still so much stigma and generalization of it. 30yrs ago it was a women’s disorder. Now it’s 50/50 pretty much in men and women. Trauma, is Trauma. Small t or Big T doesn’t matter.
SPOT ON!!!!
In the recent time I get the feeling more and more, that my conscious is just some very highly elaborate program I (the subconscious) can adjust and nudge towards some goal.
It seems to me that receiving proper VALIDATION in our development and formative years is key in preventing these disorders later in life. Of course, there is most likely some genetic component that one must acknowlege. However, the right upbringing would definitely make a difference. How I wish parents-to-be were ordered some kind of parental skills class before considering pregnancy...😔 Post Script: I am sorry. I do not mean to give a simplistic solution to such a complex topic.
Why are you apologizing?
@@redpilljesus Because the topic is much more profound and complex and my reasoning seems too simple.
You were right the first time. Sometimes the solutions to seemingly complex problems are simple. Not easy, mind you, but simple.
It's a KZhead Comment section. We're not expecting a PhD Dissertation. Your insights were concise, to the point and right on point. Much appreciated. 🎼TD, Boston
No apology needed, your observation is absolutely correct.
I'm so thankful I found your videos. They help me to understand my inner workings so I can try to have relationships and friendships. I am so grateful for these resources. This video is so poignant to my life.
Thank you so much Dear Professor ❤
Thank you for wonderful explanation
oh my god... i have found like.... gold...
The best Prof ever. ❤❤❤
Well. That makes a lot of sense for my situation. Food for thought, huh. 😂🤦🏽♂️
Great video
This explains my behaviour completely. Very thought provoking. Thank you, professor 🙏
Excellent lessons. Dare I say perfect
would love a dedicated video on the reason dbt is so specifically effective.
I've been through DBT and ten years later I'm worse than ever but I've had my life go completely down the toilet too.
@@Chez8922-kf6cy dear god. do you know what went wrong with the treatment? sorry that happened.
Very interesting, thanks for sharing. Compensatory vs defensive structures remind me of Nassim Taleb's concept of anti-fragility; growth from defeciency or damage - which would align with compensatory structures - vs fragility that would align with defensive structures.
Is it still the case that the borderline seeks to individuate ? Like a compulsion to misbehave in the way they are used to almost to disprove the good object? The one i was with drove me crazy with her projecting her sense of shame onto me, the relatively stable part. Or is it the push pull compulsion ?
Run for your life
Yes. They are terrible
Absolutely
Thank you very much 4 all the information. Can i please ask if you have a theory on how bpd and npd ocour. Are people born with it? I think it has to do with their upbringing / enviroment. Is that correct?
Watch the From Child to Narcissist playlist.
I started to tear up. I felt ripped open. Like someone gazing into my core self. The hidden places inside of me. Exposed. Wow.
I was suffering so long ...kind of grateful for a diagnoses
It is not easy to be borderline. Any advise?
Search the playlists, especially the BPD playlist.
When you feel the uncontrollable urge to spew hatred at loved ones over nothing...don't do that. HOPE THIS HELPS.
@@riffcrypt8438 no, it really doesn't.
How does someone who is diagnosed with both BPD and NPD fit in this framework?
One diagnosis is dominant.
So a borderline needs a main partner and a friend? I have seen borderlines have a main person but go back to a friend as intimate when they are in dispute with the main person. Its a cycle for them basically having mutiple supplies, or a friend who is a safe place for intimacy.
They need ALL kinds of “partners”. Friends, best friends, male friends, exes, boyfriends, husbands. They need them all and they never stop adding people into their lives any chance they get. They use all kinds of apps, multiple profiles, sometimes even multiple phones. They need people to feed off of because they have no sense of self. So they latch onto people and mimic their behaviors/interests. My ex had different personalities depending on who she was around.
Professor Vaknin, I've heard you say that someone with BPD can become healthier in later life. Can such a person feel genuine remorse for the way they treated someone decades earlier? Is it possible to have an honest and heartfelt conversation with them and take steps to mend the relationship, then have a somewhat ordinary relationship with them?
Yes, if the other party is mature and willing.
Thank you, that's reassuring to hear. @@samvaknin
I have always said about myself that I have what I call some sort of hope inside me that just won’t go away, but it doesn’t feel like something positive, just contrary to my hopelessness. I think this is the good object. It is the thing that when I feel like I am done, it’s over, there is that hope, that thing that is polar opposite to my reality and it sort of takes me over. I honestly don’t like it, and I have always wished it would just go away. When I try to describe it, people tend to think I am saying it is something good, but it just isn’t, and I don’t even know why. I think deep down I know it is just part of the black and white everything and that’s why it makes me sick.
Most annoying, it always makes a loud entrance.
If the ultimate goal of the narcissist is discard or separate from you. Whats the borderlines ultimate goal, the same? sorry for my english.
Search the BPD playlist.
The borderline wants to keep you forever but they will leave you preemptively so that you cannot leave them. They protect there emotions this way.
Would u please tell us about relationship between avoidant and borderline
Can you do a video on coparenting with an undiagnosed borderline refuses to recognize any fault? I have an 8 year old with my ex wife who lives with me again. She pushed her way back in using depression and my daughter. I’m trying to do the best as a father but it’s truly hell. From deviant sexual behaviors to violence, to constant insults. Taking my valuables hostage. Wondering if eviction and a battle for primary custody is the right thing for my daughter. While knowing court systems favor mothers and when I’m not around my daughter isn’t safe. Please help!!
Security cameras (internet connected) in main areas. Tell her you won't abandon her. Tell her you support her. Then when she lashes out, take the footage and get a domestic violence protective order. She will get immediately removed from the home.
@@redpilljesus do you have a particular kind that you recommend? I’m afraid of the violence I just don’t want my daughter to see it. The issue is that even if she is removed from my home my daughter will be stuck with her in an unsafe place half the time. Been there already. Nir something si want to do again. You would think the court would issue me full custody but it takes a LOT more than strong words and DV to take a child away from her mother. And being that my daughter is still young she loves her a lot and still wants her around. It’s a no win situation for anyone involved
Prepare now for false allegations when you terminate the relationship.
@@confirmedbachelor6019 been there more than once. I’d rather her leave on her own. It eventually happens. But as soon as my daughter turns 12 the doors will be shut
@@traveluniversity7867I dealt with a borderline for 8 years. I had to evict that demon, go no contact and see a therapist. Run for your life!!!!!
If I can make a quick comment on the thumbnail picture: WOW!!!!
So, if the unconcious plays such an important role on the SELF...How much more does the quality and quantity of our SLEEP matters???!!!
B O R D E R L I N E
Feels like I'm going to lose my mind
You just keep on pushing my love over the borderline.
What are they like with therapists?
All interpersonal relationships are processually identical.
This is Meghan Markle to the T.