The Science of Love | John Gottman | TEDxVeniceBeach
World-renowned relationship expert John Gottman set forth to understand why relationships don’t work, but for that he needed to first understand relationships scientifically. Gottman then measured the behavior, perception and physiology of couples over time to understand how love works. With that he was able to create equations for love and discern the mathematical dynamics of love. His science was able to predict with a 90% accuracy whether relationships would last or not. Finally, his studies conclude that the magic of love requires calm and commitment, which in the end makes the magic of great love a bit less of a mystery.
John Gottman speaks about how his scientific research has now created a new understanding of all love relationships (heterosexual and same-sex), across the entire life span. He describes the new LOVE EQUATIONS, and the magic trio of calm, trust, and commitment. For more, visit The Gottman Institute at www.gottman.com/. World-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction, Dr. John Gottman has conducted 40 years of breakthrough research with thousands of couples. He is the author of over 200 published academic articles and author or co-author of more than 40 books, including The New York Times bestseller The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
Dr. Gottman’s media appearances include Good Morning America, Today, CBS Morning News, and Oprah, as well articles in The New York Times, Redbook, Glamour, Woman’s Day, People, Self, and Psychology Today. Co-founder of The Gottman Institute with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman, John is a Professor Emeritus of Psychology at the University of Washington where he founded ”The Love Lab" at which much of his research on couples interactions was conducted. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
What a lovely thing to do. He dedicated his life to learning about love
That's a really beautiful way to put it and you're right
interesting your comment
My love language is when people’s words align with their actions.
Right 😂😂😂
😂😂🤣🤣
Lol. Bravo! basic to be a human, let alone induce love.
To summarize it shortly: Magic of love needs three things: Calm, Trust and Commitment. Calm refers to physiological calm, being able to listen&empathize rather than become defensive&attacking. Trust means both of you want to maximize benefits for both parties, rather than just yours, and this can be done by trying to see/understand in your partner’s perspective and catch their needs/wants Commitment means you cherish your partner, being grateful for what you have rather than what you don’t have. Mindset like this: “I’m lucky to have this person.”
Ty
my grandparentrs adored each other and showed it in front of me all the time...they were my role model for love....that same quote from Sleepless In Seattle..that was them and that is my husband of 40yrs and I
Amazing to have experienced the grandparents love for you growing up. Even more amazing to hear about your 40th Anniversary. I was married for 28years, at the end before she filed for Divorce, she explained, it wasn’t me but her the party not content in the marriage, she explained she loved me but wasn’t in love with me…, it ripped my heart right out of my chest. It’s been 3 and a half years since we went each other’s way and looking forward in life for me today, I’m focusing on living one day at a time, bettering myself, taking care of my health, spiritually, mentally and physically and not focusing on women except my 3 daughters. I had chosen my ex as the woman for my journey and never made bad comparisons of bad wives and her, but still at the end, she pulled my life line away (Trust, Love and desire to serve) According to this video, she betrayed my trust because she was lonely, and it seems as if her bad behaviors should be forgiven…, well I had done just that but at the end, her feelings of loneliness didn’t by and stretch of the imagination, justify her lack of affection, bad behaviors and breaking of her husbands trust for her lack of desire to serve her husband as well as he served her. By the way, my ex wife had both parents to this day, still living together and they are the perfect picture of what love is. In the end, for having had my heart ripped out of my chest by the one woman I had chosen to spend the rest of my life with, I don’t believe love is a feeling but instead, love is a choice, and after 3 yrs since my divorce, I can’t picture myself with a woman who believes that serving her husband as well as he serves her isn’t an option…, isn’t someone whom I want to be with. I’m happy alone for now, with a potential candidate I find desire to be with and serve and be served…, but I’m giving a little more time, because I’m starting to see the magic of great love is possible, because love isn’t a feeling, but a choice.
Cool
The talk was not at all helpful. He should have said HOW to build calm, trust, and commitment.
@@ayeshak6822 8:26 is one way he explains but he’s a relationship and family doctor if you go to his KZhead and Instagram pages , podcasts, books, he’s been featured a multitude of times in the media and other researchers work.. he goes into great depth. “Turn toward your partner when they make a bid for attention” meaning look for ways to build and support instead of tear or win.
i had great family to know love but i dont have a succesful love
Amazing talk. My husband and I did EFT therapy created by Sue Johnson based on Gottman's work. That was 7 years ago. We have had powerful and lasting results, and will celebrate our 24 year anniversary in a couple of weeks. His math is good. I think we literally wake up every morning more grateful for our relationship than the day before.
That is so amazing!!
So sweet...I hope to experience this one day
Would you recommend a EFT weekend, seminar , or counseling?
Erotic films,18+
Pink visual
Starting at 12:14 -> "Mutual trust comes from when both partners are maximizing the benefits of both people, not just one's person benefit against the other person. So, I'm always thinking about how my wife sees things. I can walk into a kitchen now, after thirty years of marriage, and view that kitchen the way my wife would see it. So I can say [to myself she] would be upset by that, so I clean it up." This reminded me that my father told me decades ago that he washed the dishes he used before going to work when my mother wasn't around because he knew that it would upset her if he left them in the sink for her to clean. My parents went through a lot together. They made it seem like it was the only thing to do. My father also told me once that he was lucky to have her in his life, as he must have told her often enough. It was then hard for me to fathom the depth of his love for her. It is much easier for me now.
Hhhhhhhhhh8hhhh8hhh
That is rly beautiful relationship between ur parents. I admire that. But as a kind of selfish person I am, it is hard for me to think others first. So for me one is better than two. Love is a such luxury stuff.
@730relationships com Only when two hurts each other, three? nah, one is good.
I'm happy, you have made up your mind and you are so sure about it. Hopefully you're not acting out of fear. Ultimately here you are watching this video. All the best 😊
That is so nice that you had your parents as role models
9:00 physiological calm 10:42 calm vs defense 11:25 measuring mutual trust 12:20 trust defined 13:10 magic also comes from building commitment; this is my journey = loyalty 14:30 mathematics of love. Measure dynamics analysis of relationship. Physiological, perception, and behavior 17:40 Theory of function outlined. Effect of positive and negative emotions = influence + repair early 19:10 Turning toward or away from partner. Two bunnies on beach vs storm in quadrants 26:00 intervention change the start up to get the 5:1 ratio
Thank you for writing this from your loving soft hand. Care about your hand, it's a most precious gift of God ever created only in human. No one like you. Whatever you do keep it up as you write this here. I am from India!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am also doing my P{h.D. Which is your thesis topic? I want to know about it! Thank you once again Honorable Kyra Gaunt Ph.D.. Are you belong from Spain or Russia? Please tell me about your country!
Thanks for the timestamps
@@rahulramteke3338 welcome sir for giving me your precious time to write as a complement. No one like you!
Very helpful. Thanks
@@naveenswarnkar4180 you're doin PhD and talking about God? Unsurprising but sad. Critical thinking is important.. use it..
I've been a long-term supporter of his work. What's most important really is being aligned to each other and allowing the space to grow into individuals that are the best versions of themselves.
Yup, sometimes easier said than done..have you come across the book cupids poisoned arrow?
++
The talk was not at all helpful. He should have said HOW to build calm, trust, and commitment.
@@ayeshak6822 they have several books that detail how to
I wish my parents were like this man. He can do an analysis and calm discussion how to solve the problem. My parents don't bother with civility and just attacked each other like it was a battle between two titans.
same here bro, be better with your kids and break the cycle
@@1995yuda I became the opposite of my parents. I avoid conflicts at all costs especially if I'm upset because 99% of my regrets were committed when I was upset or angry. It helps to calm down when discussing issues
@@johnayala2540 I can totally relate on making bad decision when I'm angry or upset and later regretting them. I don't turn away fron conflicts though, I had the opposite effect... I drill them down to the core right then and there and won't let go until I understand the root cause and try to fix it. Funny how we both adopted different approaches to deal with this. When I first learned how to write an academic Essay in a Critical Thinking class my eyes were opened and I saw the fcking light; suddenly I realized how arguments are a tool to solve conflict, that you're supposed to be able to enter into both sides's "shoes" and see the world from their view, that you should be able to present a convincing persuasive arguement from both opposing sides, and only THEN can you see where the truth is, and to reveal it. Simply put, argue properly with the common goal of solving the conflict instead of fighting like the Titans you mentioned. Critical Thinking saved my life dude, check it out! Take care 🙏
same! my parents bickering and fought for years. I did the same with my ex. we were not a good match. these principles, powerful though they may be, cannot fix a bad match. only option is to abort!
One thing he doesn’t talk about as far as the calm aspect, is that when one is dealing with a verbally abusive, negative, and untrustworthy spouse, it is difficult to ever be calm because you are always on guard. I’ve known several people who have a spouse that have the four negative Gottman horsemen, and all of them have difficulty being able to ever relax. The negative affects of living with someone like this over long periods of time takes such a toll on one’s nervous system that a once very “calm” person can not relax. I have a friend who works with battered women. She was also abused and had to escape her husband to a shelter. She has MS and says all the women she now works with in this shelter seem to have the same symptoms. I believe their nerves get worn out and would love to see more talk and research done on this.
Exactly. I just got out of an abusive relationship. I always had to be on alert.
I was in abusive relationship 20 years. Their is actually research. You can look up dr “Gabor Mate”. He’s a doctor. Focus on immune system. Patients with trauma, ptsd, abuse. But their is hope and healing for those who are survivors
Thank you Marie. I will look up Dr Gabor Mate’s research. Glad you got out of your abusive relationship. Hoping you regained health and happiness. ❤️
Janine Laurenti thank you Janine. It started with forgiveness for myself and for my ex husband second. Then my body healed itself. Research shows that unforgiveness releases toxins into the body. My mind, body and heart are all healed. It’s been 3 years. I love my new life of freedom. Here’s a take. Forgive is for ourselves. We get our power back by releasing “forgiving” those who hate hurt us emotionally. They no longer have that “power” over us.
Marie Soto Thank you Marie. Yes, forgiveness is key to healing. Since I have been able to separate myself some years back and then more recently to finally permanently get out, I can feel my body healing. I for awhile wasn’t even surviving. Now I feel more normal energy levels and am living again. I did choose to forgive, but could no longer be at the receiving end of it all. I too have been loving being free. For me it was just going to be enough to be out of it and be free, but since, life just keeps getting sweeter which I didn’t expect. There is hope. So happy to hear your survivor story Marie. Dr. Gabor Mate has a lot of KZhead talks I’ve been enjoying. Thank you for telling me about him.
Rather than a "magic" I love the very scientific approach to a relationship using a more problem-solving, rational approach as that really is what it is all about: solving problems.
Rather than the approach i myself am trying to find out if love is an instinctual thing to humans to assure the survival of the species or if love is something that we as individuals want to do. This is just something i want to find out i just sometimes have randumb thoughts
@@b-ner2616 in my humble opinion, it is rather a behavior that humans as species adapted over thousands of years to help their (our) survival. However, it may be more of an instinct if you look at mother and baby relationship, since formation of emotional attachment is critical for human babies survival.
So impressed by Dr. Gottman. I also like that he is not scared to wear a Kippah like so many Jewish people are. It's like Sikhs who are not scared to wear a Turban in western society.
Yes but don’t leave out the magic! ✨💫✨
I mean, depends on your definition of magic. I have a relationship like this, and we call it "magic" regularly, but that's because it seems so rare to find that. It's "magic" in that you feel so incredibly lucky to have this rare thing. It's the same as how people use the word "lucky". Like I can say "I'm so lucky I found you" and I don't mean I literally mean 'luck has brought us together'. I mean, "Damn, how in the world did I get such a rare thing?? How fortunate I am!". And even in that, I'm not saying I believe "fortune has brought you to me". I'm expressing gratitude for having something a lot of ppl don't have"
“Let us have love and more love; a love that melts all opposition, a love that conquers all foes, a love that sweeps away all barriers, a love that aboundeth in charity, a large-heartedness, tolerance, forgiveness and noble striving, a love that triumphs over all obstacles.” - Abdu'l-Bahá
Romantic love is an illusion.
@@kevinwilson3337 I don't think he's talking about romantic love
That's what I call a survey. Spending 15 years on an equation! That's amazing!!
Good therapy improves a person's emotional stability and emotional intelligence. Wish my parents had had access to his work.
Wanting and trying to maintain relationships in perpetuity has to be the greatest source of self inflicted suffering a human being will ever endure in their lifetime.
Communication and the way you expel emotions and issues to your partner, is so vital to how they could perceive what your trying to come across.
Hello dear I would have loved us to chat and become friends I will really appreciate it if i can add you on hangout hope to hear from soon
Left amazed what sir did 😶
So tricky right?
My notes on the science of love: 3 factors of love: Commitment - cherish partner, notice good things about them, excitement about future, double down on staying together, loyalty. Trust - interest in each other, know how the other will feel, do nice things for each other. Calm - Shared humor, understanding, gentle, reassuring, listening. Avoid negative emotions - 5x more positivity to negativity. anger, sadness, fear, hostility, disappointment, making comparisons between partner and real or imagined alternatives, betrayal.
John Gottman is the mafia boss of love. Respect!
opinionatorX - 👍Facts 💞
Studying the heads of psychology since 2013 today 2020 what do you see? Linda
You now understand ? The King Virus!
@@LindaPow Lol!
Not certain about the points made but ,if anyone else wants to learn about help with marriage problems try Bablim Relationship Booster (just google it ) ? Ive heard some unbelievable things about it and my work buddy got great success with it.
I'm better off single. I prioritize myself. I have to learn to love myself first. Many kinds of relationships. Those relationships with other friends and family sustain me. I am 60+ I don't figure out having another relationship in my life. I'm tired.
Pets r helpful
So impressed by Dr. Gottman. I also like that he is not scared to wear a Kippah like so many Jewish people are. It's like Sikhs who are not scared to wear a Turban in western society.
Authentic Jews are not afraid
@@ShaareiZoharDaas Mayim Bialik is AWESOME coming from a gentile! lol
@@ShaareiZoharDaas what a freaking joke,
😅😁
So basically...if an argument/disagreement/conflict happens, remember why you stuck around with this person in the first place and realise it's just a hurdle to get over?
Oh man.... I wish it is that simple.
Seems like a great way to reason away conflict.
When a disagreement happens, remember it's not you two against each other, but you two vs the problem.
@@ZoeeXiao it is
yah why continue to argue and be in conflict, we cant change people :)
This is literally (love) life saving advice, thanks Mr Gottman!
John Gottman has been so influential in my relationship. This video was great, so insightful! I appreciate his research and his work!
The talk was not at all helpful. He should have said HOW to build calm, trust, and commitment.
@@ayeshak6822 So you just copy paste this comment everywhere? I was clearly right, you ARE an A-hole.
My take from my recent relationship ending it that.. no matter how much you love someone, love on itself does not conquer all. And treating your partner how you'd like to be treated, and expecting them to see that and treat you the same.. is BS. They won't notice and give you the same respect, so I left. It goes unnoticed and I believe that person was simply just going to act the way he did regardless of anything.
All good things considered, I think the most important piece is missing from the talk: what is the attractor in a given situation and how can we influence where it is. This practical piece is needed.
His research is AWESOME
Imani Eunique where can I read it? Or is it all here on KZhead?
@@Schmannie100 Start with his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, revised in 2015
Awesome research! Life long learning...Thank you!
No matter how many times I listen to Mr Gottman, I always feel his talk far interesting.
This scientific study is in fact about relationships, not about love. Love is an ingredient in relationships, but only if we actively bring it there. True love is the thoughts and deeds of benevolence, which understandably is good to have in relationships. Trust is born in an atmosphere of true love, and so is calm and commitment (the magic triangle). These all come to life surrounded by a feeling of security, which in turn is awakened by - you guessed it: true love. If the relation lacks a two-sided will to think and act benevolently, it will most probably fail. So "the love equations" aren't of love, either, but of relationships. Love doesn't need any equations to be understood, it's so simple. It's all about attention, acceptance, care, nurturing, affection and healthy boundaries. It's positive energy from a source to a target. You either express love or you don't. Psychologically healthy individuals tend to express love, so if you don't, then there probably is something in yourself you need to heal. But that's another story.
I love the guy shaking his head in agreement in the audience at 2:00
que aula incrível!!! sempre bom ouvi-lo!
One of the most fascinating presentations I have seen on the topic of love
Starting at 18:00 -> The influence function told me a lot about where I went wrong in one relationship. Starting at 19:30 -> The influence function in phase space looks like a splendid way to find where the attractors are and how to aim for the first quadrant and stay clear of the third quadrant. I would venture that trust brings commitment, which in turn brings calm, but this is only a conjecture.
Thank you Sir
Brilliant. thanks
Love it! Thank you so much for sharing your knowledge to us to improve our relationships with our couples, I needed it
It's so nice to put a face to his name! I've followed this man's work for years. Brilliant, charming, poignant pedagogy for daily application.
Absolutely Interesting. I can see all the effort and years of research was put into this!! Great job!!
Hello dear I would have loved us to chat and become friends, Hope to hear from you soon
Very lovely talk. I need to get "into his work". Loved listening to Mr.Gottman. Greetings from a young stud from Germany!! And thank you TEDxTalks for the stage you "give" to these interesting personalities.
Thank you Prof Gottman .
Tranquility, can we measure it ? Love it thank you for your passion.
Thank you for this video!
I lecture on this guy's work. Gottman work is legendary!!
Left amazed what sir did 😶
It's amazing how a person can say so much and yet so little at the same time. Give this man a cookie, preferably diet.
Thank goodness for John Gottman, a relationship guru and (potential) savior!
The talk was not at all helpful. He should have said HOW to build calm, trust, and commitment.
@@ayeshak6822 He has about 40 years of intensive research in the field as a scientist and he invented a whole system with books, videos and workshops. You're just an A-hole
Great Talk and so true 🌻
Absolutely incredible!! I loved this!!
Your crazy , romantic love is an illusion. It’s not real
@@kevinwilson3337 abaolutely not. I have been privaliged enough to have seen it in my family. My grand partents (from both sides) and my parents, all is true unconditional love. Im very sorry for you this world has lead to believe you this is 'an illusion'. I really hope you see this, and just consider it to be true, and take a chance on it in real life. If if works out, that was my purpose in life.
Thank you, Dr. Gottman. You are a legend!
Apart from his great speech: Oh my god is he sweet . Who else wishes he could be their grandpa substitute?
The talk was not at all helpful. He should have said HOW to build calm, trust, and commitment.
That INTRO is praise worthy, TEDx Talks
So awesome!!!! Thank you!
Brilliant, there should be a movie on this subject matter
I can't forget this
Thank you!!!
竟然有中文字幕 我好感动啊
I love that that love is mathematically specified!❤❤
John GOTTMAN THANK YOU
AWESOME!!!
Cb. Yvcchgt
"Love is the state in which man sees things most of all as they are 'not'. The illusion-creating force is there at its height, likewise the sweetening and 'transforming' force. One endures more when in love than one otherwise would, one tolerates everything..." - FWN
The only thing he said that isn't true is that he isn't very intelligent. I call bs. This is AMAZING work! I have been steeped in this work for over a decade and I continue to learn more and more each time he or Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman speaks. What a gamechanger for the world!
Love it! 💜
This video is impressive.
This is very sweet.
Ty
john briallantissimo as usual insightful accessible humorius speech but surely enough it s all coming down to behaving like one did in the early stages of being togerher and being head over heel in ... etc the love maps expanding on thd other one s casual oberservarions ... the passing boat
Great Ted talk!
haha! this is the perfect language to present these information to my rational, scientific minded boyfriend! :')
wonderful!
People I meet are forging relationships with he wrong person. You have to forgo the wrong ones and wait for the right one. This is just how you have to play it. It can take 10 months or 10 years, but if you hook up with the wrong person, you will fail. Gottman screened 60 women and waited for the sixtyoneth and she was the one, my advice is to wait for the sixtyoneth
Cool.
interesting to hear about his sharings even though I've never fallen in love with anyone and just been on my journey to discover love and look for the best match in my life. Dear me, please improve yourself and promote your self-love before entering any love relationship, build up and practice calmness from now as well.
Marriage today are taken for granted many young people are getting married for financial purposes or they think it will solve everything. People are not taking the time and making the effort to recall a marriage as committing to one soul “I do”
a lot of older ppl settle too
Marriage today? As opposed to marriage back in the day that was totally about love and not money and was often arranged by parents?... :D I say people these days get married for financial reasons way less often than they used to, in the West especially since women can get just as good of an income as men these days.
Yes TRUE. I'm in from South India here parents also see the financial stability only and they are not give right to child select their partner,here we have to get married of our parents choice 😞 here parents always want their relatives and society acceptance not their children happiness 😢😥
This man speaks volumes about love.
I agree! Have you come across Marnia Robinson and Cupids poisoned arrow?
The talk was not at all helpful. He should have said HOW to build calm, trust, and commitment.
How do you measure commitment? If both people are committed and want the relationship to work then all these other things help. There must be a question there. If there is no commitment you are not going anywhere.
Commitment is also a view along the timeline for one's life. Short, medium or long term relationship goals..
Commitment is just one factor in a long, healthy relationship. In order for any relationship to last forever, there really is just one simple rule: both individuals decide to stick together and never break up. But if you want to be *happily* together forever, that's where the other factors come in.
Love it
Let's spread this to engineers and data scientists 😉very interesting study!
Good idea
This is really cool findings 🤘🏼🙃
Predicted within 90% accuracy who will divorce. How extraordinary is that when divorce rate is close to 80% anyway.
Well it could save you time and money when you know the factors that influence that number rather than just seeing a single stat based on results
I love this video
15:23 20:51 24:56 26:48 Love Relationships
This is a vital piece. A similar book I read ushered me into a new understanding. "The Art of Meaningful Relationships in the 21st Century" by Leo Flint
This talk transported me right back to grad school... 😄
Communication and the way you expel emotions and issues to your partner, is so vital to how they could perceive what your trying to come across.
Yes watched video
Love!
I was unfortunately divorced and jobless inuk for3years
Nice
I'd like (ideal) examples of this critical parameter of the "Startup" predictor. I'm guessing it is "hey, i'd like to have a tough conversation with you to work out this problem" versus... yelling and accusing?
from other talks i’ve seen, i think your wording can feel to a partner like getting in trouble. the way we felt as kids when our parents said sit down we are going to have a talk. instead, i’ve seen the recommendation to say firstly that you love them, either to them OR to yourself, then say “i feel ____” followed by “i wish _____” and finally, a “can you help me?” or “what do you think?” in this way a partner can feel like they GET to fix the problem, not like it’s already surpassed their reach.
I think it just comes back to his idea of being calm. When you're calm you approach others in an overall better way than when you are upset/frustrated.
Actually, my bf does that and, initially, it’s quite irritating to my emotional way of dealing with things, but after a few minutes (15-45), we actually start to come to a workable conclusion or plan for working out the problem. 🤷🏻♀️
I love this so much!
Oh John, how I wish I could talk to you. There is a new perspective that includes your facts with a bigger picture.
@21:31 he introduces the idea of "attractor(s)". What are the some examples of positive, and negative attctors? They seem to be the real determinants of conversations, and thus relationships (?)
I'm not surprised, the stable happy marriage graph 24:24 look very Deja Vu. I mean just look at how they score each other.
Holy moly
Donut shop
😂😂😂
Oh the John Gottman 😍🥰❤
The sacrifices you made in getting many divorces to learn about love
Marriage and love are talk about by our parents how truly love works my parents were lived with great respect and care for each other's lives seeing them and they told me that one day you will meet women she may be good or bad and If you can't handle it you will end up drunk so be strong my son they said that was like reinforcement to me and I see myself as a strong man and good human being that's true me ❤ I'm ❤
I actually tweeted similar information about this.. I’m glad somebody came up with numbers, and equations for this.
Ooo he’s a loooove doctor
Good
Mr. GottmAn great segment. It may help my relantionship.