Dr Tony Attwood - Good Mental Health for Autistic Girls and Women (taken from full video)
2019 ж. 28 Сәу.
235 595 Рет қаралды
Excerpt from the Symposium on good mental health for autistic girls and women thanks to Yellow Ladybugs and the Victorian Government.
Dr Tony Attwood is a Clinical Psychologist, Ph.D., and one of the world’s expert psychologists specialising in autistic girls and women. As a best selling author with sales topping 1 million, Dr Tony Attwood will share his experience today.
"Are you mad, woman, that nearly killed me!" --Me, every time I go to the grocery store.
That's why I quit going. Luckily, for me, I'm OK with going to a "quiet" walgreens near my home, sometimes, amazon decided to deliver food & my mom has been bringing me food every 2-4 weeks, for the last few months. Otherwise, I would have starved to death 7-8 years ago. BTW my mom is a "ginger", tho she hates that term, & 1 of her favorite movies is the red shoes. I dreamt she died last night, while I was in an insane asylum (also, part of the dream), so, hello!
Omg! I love this haha
Any other aspies feel like they kind of fake their way through talk therapy?? I have always been encouraged to do it but am terrible at truly identifying my emotions. I end up just analysing myself obsessively just to have something to say but I don't truly "feel" anything.
Yes. I've tried counseling a few times in my life, but only managed to attend one or two times consecutively. It just feels like I am making things up about someone else but it doesn't actually resonate with me internally. 💙
I totally get you! You don‘t have to blame yourself for intellectualizing though. (I know it‘s hard not to because we‘re taught otherwise). From personal experience I know that I was able to tackle my selective mutism although by analysing and rationalizing without being aware of my emotions in those situations.
Yes! I am seeing someone who does EMDR and I am never able to tell her “how I feel” when she asks me. It’s been very difficult to work my way through traumatic events when I can’t even say what I am feeling.
Wait.. we’re supposed to always define how we feel? I just analyze my self most of the time and then wait for the therapist to ask me how I feel. Been in therapy for years. I’d recommend it!
@ruza kinsman I was like that until l hit total crisis. I knew l needed therapy if l was to go in with life.
"we fight autism with autism. we are pedantic. we have lists!" I lost it
In my experience, aspies experience way too much empathy. When it becomes too overwhelming & can no longer be contained, meltdowns occur.
Midnight Cat The funny thing is that neurotypicals mistake empathy for sympathy. Sympathy is being able to relate to those feelings, empathy is FEELING their emotions then and there
yes, they experience way too much empathy, but strugle to express it in words and behaviour. It is like a Cassandra syndrom.
Too much empathy? When an aspie has a meltdown they are not victimizing you; they deal with a LOT OF STRESS, and they have just snapped. It's kind of like having a nervous breakdown. I'm an aspie, and have done both.
Yes!!!!
Wow, this is hitting a sensitive spot. When my psychologist asks me how I feel it takes ages to answer and then it is most accurate answer is to make the sounds of an explosion.
I tend to go for my classic: a shrug and I say 'normal'.
I love the Nonviolent Communication lists: one for Feelings, one for Needs. I print them out and if I can't name what I'm feeling, I look down the list and the feeling(s) jump out. Has been very satisfying for me.
In the beginning I didn't get what therapists wanted from me when they asked me that. I'd connect this with my physical well-being. So I'd say good, when I was healthy, and bad, when I was ill or sick or in pain.
I am the same... I used to Google 'how do you know what emotions you feeling?“
I don't even like the question how are you or how do you feel, I don't want to think about it and I know people don't want to hear if you don't say I'm fine
I identify so strongly with this. I’ve always been hyper-aware of other’s emotions. It’s overwhelming at times.
Me too.
@@babythestars123 you just be yourself. I hope you can get the answers you need. I know for me, it explained a lot, but also people did not support me at all with it because I look normal etc so they say and many of my family do not believe the diagnosis. You have to seek support on your own unless you can get it at home. It is a learning process about yourself. I highly recommend watching some of the Aspie videos by actual Aspies, it helps me feel understood. Yo Samdy Sam and Aspergers From The Inside. Both are Aspies themselves and have very helpful information.
THIS!
His New Life Me three.
This is another factor the intensities of emotions that got me misdiagnosed with bi-polar and referred to as fast cycling. This is such a good understanding of what happens emotionally and what happens with the empath. When my ex boss suggested to me in the street that I was autistic I felt I was being accused of being emotionless and why I initially rejected it (we also had a misunderstanding and she asked "are you threatening to assault me?" after I said I didn't understand why people thought they could just say whatever they wanted to too me thinking I'd never retaliate (I do try to let things go) . I have a friend who is an empath also and if she is crying I only have to look at her and mine are filling in response.. I have even have to hug her and I don't typically do the personal space infiltrating and "don't touch me" is commen amongst my offspring . Tony's understanding of aspergers in girls is huge. My video that represented visually my sadness and trying to fight it all ( I'm happy now) is Scissor sisters " Mary." All my daughters are in the arts. I did art therapy in the psychiatric unit and it was our highlight. You would think when your that depressed it wouldn't but it did help us and then there were the issues all down on paper. I do however find it difficult to write because I feel laid bare when it's all written down in front of me because it's like the truth is now out there. I have written thing drunk and then destroyed them in the morning because I do suffer huge guilt and sometimes guilt for enjoying myself I can go on a night out do nothing wrong and feel guilty for having let myself go when everyone else is all "yeah, you were so funny, It was a good night".... Also when it comes to personal space you've never seen such a good example as my accountant sister and her counsellor friend driving together in the car talking to each other facing the opposite direction the one driving with their head facing out of the side window and the passenger with her head towards the other window saying "what did you say Luv, I can't hear you" this is not just personal space but them paranoidly trying to avoid breathing on each other incase they have bad breath , something they giggling at themselves already admitted to each other. I travelling in the back think they look nuts and wish my sister would stop talking so the driver can look straight ahead. Back to the depression of it I'm mostly an up person so I do like being me I don't tend to get upset anymore unless there is something worth getting upset about but I am not under the type of pressure atm that is a work environment I don't like. Secondary school was a nightmare for me and I suffered excessive sweating I did however suffer from huge social anxiety in secondary school though everyone assumed I loved myself I had excessive seating because my nerves were trashed . I'm pretty good at reading people but from a young age I didn't trust my grown ups. Which is kind of how I saw my parents the two people in charge of me who were in charge on account that they were the grown ups. I always had warnings about what was coming up in school in primary, particularly if there was to be a test or a maths topic I didn't already understand but this was in the days if you didn't understand having had things explained twice you were accused of not listening especially if they knew you to be clever in other areas or "a bright girl" as they'd term it. You totally do need to explain things to aspergers girls when it comes to predators because when you are looking for a female personal that is liked to be like I chose.... Gypsy from the musical yes I was five when I told my grandmother I was going to be a stripper because men seemed to be really nice to them, I couldn't tell a good "whey hey" from a bad one, a bit like Marilyn when she stood under flood lights on the grill and later a huge argument ensued after her other half asked her not to do it . They were also the bubbly Cheryl Baker from Bucks Fizz , Bonnie Langford, Scarlet from gone with the wind and worse of all I thought at one point the done thing was to act like Madonna and be purposefully shocking. As a child I had the very wrong sort of adult males showing interest in me when I was singing and dancing. I'd replicate these big female popstars and videos and it make preditors think this overtly sexual type exhibition was part of my genuine nature. I just wanted to be popular and have the majority of people be nice to me and it seemed to totally work for popstars who also seemed to do what they liked all day. I do totally love singing and it's fantastic and music therapy is amazing but these girls do need to know how they are being read by others. I even hitched my skirt up and held my thumb out to traffic once because I'd seen it in a film. When i first saw recording deck I was in love though it amuses people since I'm an aspie that when I was stood in the college studio with my headphones on recording and the rest of the band staring at me through the sound proof windows that I " felt like I was on the starship enterprise and why was I on the bridge by myself with everyone else at the controls ". I am now sometimes described as the most aspergers/autistic girl someone has ever met - and very pleased to be her. I understand me, if others don't.
This man is brilliant; he's so in tune with the struggles we face from an AUTISTIC'S perspective. Listening to him speak makes me feel so seen and heard.
I agree
This man is my hero. I've never felt so understood. I wish I had someone like him in my life when I was misdiagnosed and overmedicated for so many years.
Yup🤢 he is great...
I agree. I wish I was in the same country as him to be able to have him dx and treat me and also for him to explain this dx to me family and friends.
vegasmatt129. Expressing your things doesn't mean he understands them. And Drs should be hanged for (over) (or even medicating you at all), I am so sorry about that. Although sometimes I wonder whether my variant is much better: I got shut out from medical treatment and care, deceived, neglected, robbed, mobbed, trafficked, made homeless for not being calm , normal and compliant with unnecessary drugs that harm me, but alternative, stress sleepless ,independent and traumatized. I'd advise you to get on your knees every day, starting maybe when you feel the worst, and pray your Creator for the help you need..Practise belief.I am standing alone in impossible situtauíon and state too, and shall make another effort at getting myself up from the pitch. I pray for you. .MAybe you're OK already..., 1 year after posting?
I was so happy to hear him as well
Yup !! I agree, completely !!!!
I now realize at age 70 that my children, who are in their late 40s, are on the autism spectrum. They are high functioning with good jobs. They don't get along with each other. They don't feel a need to interact with me regularly. My son uses alcohol to calm his social anxiety. My daughter uses food. I wish that I had understood that they were on the autism spectrum when they were young...maybe things would be different for them now if they had the help they needed in childhood.
@adrianna very wise and kind words, I used to blame my mum for not understanding that i have some condition, but now i really believe she done everything she could at that time, did her best and she is a hero
Before you decided to diagnose them with autism, have you ruled out that maybe your son is alcoholic and your daughter is having an eating disorder? It seems that nowadays it is trendy to be on the autism spectrum.
@@cikuuzis 1 out of 54 people have it by modern day statistics This isn't it being trendy And it's largely under diagnosed at that and there are people suffering today, especially women who lack the resources or knowledge
I feel the same, at 57. Sometimes I feel I failed my daughter by not knowing she was on the spectrum. Then again, her teachers, social workers, psychiatrists, psychologists and counsellors failed miserably as well. I thank God I found Tony Atwood on KZhead. Now I understand what is going on with her. Even better, she understands herself.
@@cikuuzis The writer did not say she diagnosed her children. It is likely a professional did. Such accusations are thoughtless and unkind.
You have no idea... NO IDEA - how connected I feel to all of this. I’ve never been formally diagnosed but ALL of this speaks to me and I’m just in tears.
❤❤
@Victoria S Thank you for this.
me as well
@Dimple Seaweed at an older age with all that experience and these memories of past life-situations, one can make a very accurate self-diagnosis.. the difference with an external diagnosis -for me at least - is a matter of power. An external Diagnosis could be a blow. A shock Done by my self as i was finally ready to see and accept it is: empowering! and there is far less fear. but a lot of sadness, because of all the intense emotional pain i remembered.
@Dimple Seaweed SO agreed!!!!! Thank you for saying that!
Converting thought and emotion to speech mid-meltdown to explain it to the normals who are made uncomfortable by your unexpected behavior, that's the worst.
Ginger Redshoes so true! it's like why am i explaining myself to you when i'm having a crisis😭
- I need to lie down asap, i feel terrible - why? Tell me why before you can lie down - AAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Especially because it's so much harder to talk. I'm like "even if I manage to think of what to say I can't get my vocal cords to work"
Exactly! I tend to bottle things up really well until I'm in a safe space to cry, hyper-ventilate, etc. but when someone noticed I'm not myself and asks me what's wrong? Crap. Trying to get the words out is difficult and I start crying due to the combination of the frustration and all the other stuff swirling around in my head. Which leads to feeling embarrassed about having shown that side of myself to a person that I haven't determined if they are safe.
U guys r sooo frickin relatable!!!!
I literally screamed when he said that it’s logical that Cbt wouldn’t work, I’ve tried to tell psychologists and others about this and they’ve dismissed it with saying that there’s more evidence for cbt than any other form of therapy.... just thanks 🙏🏻
I found I needed DBT
Hated CBT, I agree DBT is better.
Finally! I’ve just been through a round of CBT after a second bout of anorexia (I’m autistic too) and I am worse after it ! I felt like screaming in the sessions
They did that with me as well (10 years ago) and after a few sessions she quit that and told me that a lack of rationalizing wasn't the problem. I still think that's kinda funny xD
I haven't had the discussion with medical providers but I've tried it on my own and it didn't work at all. Now I know why. I've recently discovered DBT and it might help me. I'm actually hopeful again, unlike when CBT is the only option
Thank you for talking about autistic women being especially vulnerable to predators. I've recently self-diagnosed at 30 and the most overwhelming tsunami of self-love and compassion has swept over me now that I can better understand why so many sexual assaults' and one rape happened in a span of 6 years (age 16-22).
I'm so sorry you had to experience the sexual abuse. And I'm glad of what you described as as a tsunami of self love and compassion. I've felt it too, when beeing granted the medical procedure to get the formal diagnosis. The disdain I had for myself is gone. It's like beeing able to breathe for the first time. So wonderful. Whishing you all the best!
I’m so sorry you went through that. I’m glad you’ve come through the other side.
yes I was so thankful that was addressed, I was victimized by predators since early childhood to adulthood as well
Me too. Many sexual experiences that were unwanted and I just didn't know what was happening.
🎉😂🎉🎉😂🎉😂🎉🎉😂🎉🎉😂🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉😂😂🎉🎉🎉😂🎉🎉😂😂🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉😂😂🎉🎉🎉🎉😂😂🎉🎉🎉🎉 10:32
Absorbing the negatives and totally not relating to the super happy end is a perfect description.
yes
Oh wow. That explains so much of my childhood where I was hyper aware of my mom's emotions (in particular) and if she was in a bad mood, it really affected me. Honestly it's hard to separate what was caused by undiagnosed autism and what was caused by trauma and a dysfunctional home life. I just remember being 7 and wanting to die. There was just too much hurt inside. Thankfully I'm better now but it would have been extremely helpful to understand my emotions better at that age and if I had gotten some help.
ugh he's such a good lecturer i could listen to him talk for hours
....I'd let him hold my hand for a minute
I could have listened longer myself
"Have another go." "Are you mad, woman? That nearly killed me!" I am now officially deceased from laughter. This is my life.
that made me bust of in laughter as well, I know the feeling
I thought I was bipolar. This explains...Well, my whole life.
Wow he really understands, this is brilliant, just hearing someone explain my experiences so well is so liberating.
I Question Existence: A little aside to you and others: He is not explaining our experiences, but naming and putting words to them.I agree he does that well and entertaining.
His dad and son have autism and it benefits us so much
@@Medietos Yes that's true sorry
I agree
THIS👏 “withdrawing for protection”
yes yes
8:41 I want to see that painting
Me too !!
Me too!!
me 3!!!
This is going to bother me forever. WHAT IS THE PAINTING. D:< DON'T LEAVE US HANGING.
so did I
My problem with being asked 'how are you feeling?' is my first thought is 'how do you want me to feel?' because I have learnt over and over again is that I must reflect what others want to be accepted, even in my own family.
THIS. Even though I can somehow explain my feelings by saying “i’m unhappy” or whatever I just know that I can’t say that because it’s UNACCEPTABLE.
You get it.Being an aspie lady is OK in our own world but I NT world it's exhausting, NTs seem down right abusive at times when I set boundaries or explain my limits and needs.I get so disrespect in bucket loads and then told that I'm oh so negative. Yes,the please teach me to relax thing is so me. I hate seeking help at the mental health services, I was on the verge of a meltdown and suicidal and they are just talking and asking even though I say that I'm shutting down, they also just touch me all of the time, which they say is necessary, even without consent or prior notice,one ahole nurse demanded that I look at her face when I talk,and I it was a nightmare so I just had a meltdown as predicted, because I came to seek help and got torture and hurt instead and I was made worse. I told them that I won't seek help in the future. They also tried to give me medication that I don't want or need due to it not curing autism and I have really bad side effects
I just discovered these lectured and I'm having a crisis. I feel so called out. It explains SO MUCH about my life. I feel like I've tried to explain this, but so unsuccessfully. I can just intuit those people who understand that I'm different, and I try to work more with them. I need a diagnosis but not sure where to start.
shethewriter id recommend writing a list or something of things to say to take to any appointment you go to: trust me you'll need it. If it's possible it might also be worthwhile sending some of these lectures to people or just bring them up to them,, or maybe make a list of the points made in the video and be like "this is me!! I do this!!"
You might find the r/aspergers group on Reddit to be a helpful support community. And taking the Autism Quotient questionnaire may give you some validation and insights as you start towards getting a diagnosis. It can be a good starting point for any discussion you're going to have about receiving a diagnosis. Also, many practitioners (at least here in the US) will be dismissive of an adult seeking a diagnosis. If you encounter that, just move on. They don't get it, and they aren't worth your time on. Don't let their dismissal invalidate your reality.
I feel the same. I have had suspicions that i might be autistic for a few moths. After watching 2 vids of this guy now i am sure i am autistic. I made my husband watch them too coz he has verbalized many of my quirks related to autisms that i myself was unaware of before he told me. This guy explained all of them perfectly.
I know that feeling so well. Unfortunatly, many people that are not in that position just can't understand the importance of figuring that out. But you'll be alright, just take your time and listen to yourself. I can recommend looking into autism yt channels like the aspie world or agony autie. At least for me it's calming to listen to people whose experiences I might be able to relate to and who sometimes can verbalise things better than I could. Also, the first one has a discord server where you can talk with other neurodivergent people.
This man is brilliant
yes he gets us
This is a 100% me. I can't believe that there is a person in this world that understands me that well. For the first time in my life, I do not feel misunderstood and alone! Thank you so much, I will send this to everyone I know because you explain my life better than I could ever do. Thank you so much!
Have a look at the autism TEDx Talks, they helped me too 😊 Aspi Greatings from Germany 🙏🏼
I agree, I want to send this to people I know also because it explains so much I could not explain myself
I nearly cried when he said "being non-compliant and not taking this therapy seriously". I read those exact words in the notes from a previous therapist long after we had ended our sessions and I was so confused and upset when I read it because I had no idea I was being perceived that way as I felt like I was trying as hard as I could.
Ugh yes My coaches in softball used to get angry at me for not trying. And I’d cry at home, because I had no idea how nobody knew how hard I was trying.
I was told I was clinging to my mental illness because I couldn’t change and fit into their mold I spent years in a mental hospital growing up
To me this is a parent issue. I may be far from perfect, but I use my intuition with my kids. My 13 yo has aspergers. Undiagnosed, but this isn't rocket science to figure out. Its unmistakable. She's such a happy child because we didn't fight things or force things on her. We avoid "experts", including public school, and she's thriving. She struggles socially at times but it's not traumatizing.
@@RunninUpThatHillhthank you. She is blessed.
Welp...only took 30 years to understand why as a child I would burst into tears if anyone acted even slightly upset/disappointed/annoyed by me XD
OMG. For the first time I feel completely understood. This talk just explained all my "quirks"! Edit: I got formally diagnosed two days ago.
I can understand what you’re saying, but I relate more to needing affection, needing physical contact, needing hugs and positive words of affirmation. Sometimes when I’m feeling bad, I will remove myself from the situation, but my disappearance is asking someone to follow me and make sure I’m okay in a quieter environment. I find I get separation anxiety when school holidays happen. I am more self aware, and more oblivious then the average person
makes sense! autism hits both ends of the extreme with affection, really wanting it sometimes and really not wanting it others.
I want and need lots of affection from my boyfriend, but i don't want it from other people :)
I get it. I've never really needed physicals contact, but I've always felt the need for more positive words. This is especially true when it comes to my parents. When I was a little kid I would sometimes remove myself from a situation and then get even more upset when I realized that none of my family members followed me or were looking for me. I rarely remove myself from situations anymore, but when I do I don't dare hope for any attention.
I like physical affection too. I'm more of a fan of deep pressure than light fluttery touch.
Same here, it depends a bit on the situation. A panic attack/metdown spirals into complete extremum if I'm left alone, it's dangerous. But I think we all share the inability to talk in such moments and that someone asking us to explain is like nails on chalkboard, and preferably minimal speaking from them, just simple things like "I love you", "It will be okay", "I'm here" from time to time until things go back to normal and communication is possible. And I realllllyyyy love hugs!!! I hate being touched randomly but when it's not by surprise and someone I trust, hugs are welcome, the really strong, wrapping-you-whole ones, they bring such sense of comfort and safety (I guess that's also why weighted blankets are popular lol). Yes, sometimes, in milder states, isolation is preferred, if it's simply because of feeling a bit overwhelmed by the situation and seeking a quiet space. But when it gets out of control, I think being left alone can often be dangerous, it's good to at least check on that person.
I have had suspicions that i might be somewhere on the autism spectrum.... but now i am 100% sure of it. I have watched just 2 vids of this guy and he described my life perfectly. Gonna make everyone watch these now.
My grandparents are so used to my "I don't know" that they joke with me, "well if you don't know, who does?" 😂💕
My mom says this too and I don't like it.
That's funny
my dad always says “but if you did know what would you say”
We have a sixth sense!!! I knew it!
My goodness I am so incredibly glad I was signposted to Dr Attwood by my diagnosing clinical team. I started by reading his ‘Complete Guide to Asperger Syndrome’ and could not believe how autistic nearly every behaviour I had never pegged as being anything other than just… ‘well, I don’t know maybe normal? ‘ was actually completely typical of autism. In the first few minutes of this lecture I was nodding and laughing. This man understands, thank you, because you have enabled me to start learning to have compassion for myself, as well as an unexpected sense of humour where previously there was trauma. Humour and self compassion taking over from trauma… just listen to that and process it for a minute. My utmost respect and gratitude.
My sister took a psychology course and suddenly she was saying that we are an autistic family, and I was like get your shit together, so I started researching to proof her wrong and I was in no way ready for this, like yeah we are a weird family but this is just mind blowing, its scary how accurate everything is, even this emotion bank account thing I managed myself in a similar way I even scheduled my meltdown and recharging time 😵
My family is an Autistic family too.
Same. I’m studying psychology and found out I might be autistic (strong indication). May I ask if y’all get your diagnosis?
I've been wondering who in my family also deal with it
@@daisyfruity3040 If you want a professional diagnosis, I'd suggest going directly to an autism specialist. As far as GP's, psychiatrists, psychologists...Most of them will misdiagnose you, because they know little or nothing about autism.
I have two sisters and we all figured it out separately. Everything clicked.
"When your young you learn not to cry, because when you cry people squeeze you." That is so true/sad.
You are the only professional who describes my experience. I studied autism years ago and couldn't figure out whether it fit my situation. I officially got diagnosed by 3 different professionals but even now I don't identify how it fits me exactly (except for hyperfocus and social issues, which I've always had) but when you describe autistic women I'm like "BINGO"! THANK YOU!
Bullied,teased at school...I still made honors I love books...but I used to say imagine what I could of done without getting beat on and abused at home ..not allowed to do my homework and being treated terrible at school even my English teacher loved to call me stupid to make the class laugh at me....it was hell..
I think my schizoid tendencies is the result of feeling constantly assaulted just standing next to people, reading their emotions. You can't turn it off, so you have to buffer yourself just to get through your day.
My sons dad said that about me after he basically destroyed me in front of his friends...because he was torturing me...
Does anyone else cry at the drop of a hat and I don’t mean sad tears I mean happy tears, relieved tears, and tears of empathy.
I came across your videos recently after leaving my 6th job. I'm 35 years old and never understood why I just always feel wrong. I started crying when I realized that I have aspergers. It's a relief. I can do research now. My primary problem has always been that I am exhausted from being angry ALL THE TIME. And when you explained it here as stemming from anxiety and frustration, I've never felt so seen or had such a great moment of self-understanding. Until you made the comment about a cactus and then I laughed because it's true. I can't hope to afford therapy to get an official diagnosis to try to get any accommodations for a work environment, but watching your videos is helping a lot. My mom had zero tolerance for any (what I see now as typical ASD symptoms) "sulking" or displays of uneven temper. I was severely punished for being too unhappy or too angry or too much. I learned how to "take that look off my face." Now i can fake it through the workforce, but every job starts to break down around 6 months when bosses get angry at me. Longest job I've ever had was 3 years and I was heavily medicating for depression and anxiety. I stopped eating or talking outside of work requirements and just spent more and more time sleeping to try to escape. I left for another job (frying pan to fire) that followed the exact same pattern. I have a little job now as a dog walker. I wanted to be an artist, but I haven't had the energy or the heart to paint or even sketch in years. Thanks for making these videos. I feel like I can explain things to myself better now.
I also laughed when you mentioned affection. My best friend of 10 years fussed at me constantly. She wants to chat and talk and ask things and say things and offer solutions when I'm upset and I just want to scream at her to shut up and go away. I know that is completely unfair and she means well but it drives me batty. How do I explain to someone who loves me that what will help me the most is for them to go away and ignore me? I tried once and she took it so personally and was so hurt that it nearly ended the friendship
@@bronwynreijnders7205 I'm here because I suspect I'm high functioning autistic female. I did this very thing to a family member. She wanted me to butt out and I thought I was helping. I wish people would explain to me what I'm doing in the moment so I can regulate myself.
Oh my God that bit about representing feelings totally relates to the scene in Star Trek IV, when Spock is nailing all the logic problems and then the computer asks him "How do you feel," and he responds, "I do not understand the question."
I resonate with this so deeply. But around the 30 minute mark when he talks about emotional black holes, my fear is that I am one, and that's why I can't maintain friendships. Either that or because I forget to check up on them more than once every couple months and forget to text back. 😂
I find friends exhausting
I don’t necessarily forget about them, I just find they’re hard to keep up on and if I reach out I’ll be obligated to see someone in person
yes I relate to that as well
I've done extensive work to learn as much as possible about body language, facial expressions, and psychology so I can spot the predators right away. Even if it's not sexual in nature, but simply a narcissist or psychopath trying to take advantage at work or in a friendship. I've trained myself to get really good at spotting the red flags and knowing what steps to take when I see them. It does mean I have a constant mental narrative going on whenever I'm interacting with or watching a video someone I don't know and trust ("They're feeling contempt, that was an insincere smile, that was a disgust expression, that was an R2E2 expression to try and gain my empathy, that statement was forced teaming, now they're gaslighting...") but it's helped me avoid staying in unpleasant situations where people are trying to take advantage of me or manipulate me.
I wish I did that before my first bf! I had never heard of a covert narcissist before him and he traumatized me literally giving me PTSD.
We almost have to, or if we're lucky, we have a good friend who can spot them for us who helps us learn to recognize that personality or behavior.
The accuracy! Yeah, I think this should be learned in schools, being good and understanding does not come naturally for all
Sant Ajaib Singh said," Keep a far distance from those who are tangled up like a ball of wool, or you will become that way".
Beware of people with bad boundaries...
I got my diagnosis today at age 42. this man's videos helped me.
The thing about art, it's so true. After my diagnosis, I started a KZhead page. And initially I talked about my diagnosis but then I quit because we tell too much information and other people started threatening me because I referred to myself as being "on this spectrum" instead of saying "I'm autistic", and now I just refer to it as "the diagnosible nuerotype". So I do art, my own music videos, and thrift stores and some other stuff. But THIS is the guy that gave me the courage to finish writing my book. Unfortunately I'm dyslexic and noise sensitive, so it came out wonkie, but I even uploaded chapters on KZhead of me reading my own book. (Heavily edited to flow nice) I did not know I was autistic when I wrote most of it.... But I DID know I was autistic when I published it. It's amazing to me when I reread my own book... that character is autistic!!! That is me trying to get my feelings out!!! I could indeed do it when I express it through a character, but I could not do it for myself. 💜
Amazing!
That is such a cool idea - and, inspiring - thank you ☺
I'm very aware that my anger comes from others NOT respecting boundaries OR being constantly asked to do things that I can't do (things that are HORRIBLY uncomfortable for me, that other people find normal). My frustration is off the charts.
I don't think it is correct to say Aspies don't need affection every day. I can only speak for myself but I feel that I am longing for hugs and affection but when I actually get them it's too much for me and I want it to stop... But when I don't get them I feel sad, too...
I used to feel that way as well, and then I realized it was a control issue. I couldn't control how much love energy I was receiving and felt over-stimulated. That's why stuffed animals are good for me. I can feel love energy without it being overwhelmingly mixed with a parent's sympathy and grief and pain. A teddy bear can't cry in its heart for you as intensely as a human can, because it has no soul.
I like hugs from my boyfriend. I don't think all people with Autism hate hugs.
I totally agree with your comment I long to be hugged and I’m 70 and still waiting.
Tony Atwood is the only neurotypical who TRULY understands what it feels like for those of us on the spectrum
Is he an NT though?
I don’t think he’s NT
@@ThePathOfLeastResistanc I think he doesn't know he's autistic lol
yes you'd think he was one of us
@@ThePathOfLeastResistanc he hasn’t explicitly said he’s not NT so you should respect that as I assume like the rest of us, you don’t have the qualifications to diagnose. I’m sure if he was diagnosed as autistic, he would have said so by now.
Can't stop looking at that timer can't get over how somehow 30 units adds up to one second.
I agree! I had to scroll down so it was off the top of the screen it was annoying me so much.
Yeah thats weird
the timer was horrible, I had to just listen
This man sums up ASD and Aspergers so well. Such great ideas here too. This guy is a Asperger saint.
yes
100 percent accurate, I cant handle being around negativity / toxic people.
I can't handle negativity either
I really needed a Tony Atwood in my life as a young person.
me too
All my life I was struggling with anxiety and depression, and 20 years ago going through school was hell on earth... it wasn’t until all my children were diagnosed Autistic, that their school convinced me to seek diagnosis... I too am Autistic. It doesn’t impede my parenting skills, only makes them stronger.
I felt this.
I wish my parents would watch this with me
Same :(
I wish my roommate would watch this so he would understand the hell I'm going through this year due to him having a manic episode that has lasted over a year now...
You literally can " feel" a room of people. It's overwhelming
Thank you for talking about the energy bank .My life was like living with an energy loan shark .Getting upset when people yelled The intensity even if they were yelling at someone else .What I needed to do to get energy .My personified objects gave me energy but that was forbidden like it was treated as an illegal substance . People went out of their way to take away what I needed for energy .I had to live with rage and depression I was an underachiever in school even though smart because I had no energy and I was extremely anxious Trying to do schoolwork and going to class triggered anxirty
My best job ( am 52 y/o, female , asperger, adhd) was caring a 7 y/o boy, asperger. Visited him two times a week.He loved me and I learned from him as well.Good time together
I've been struggling to tell those around me how I don't "look" autistic but still struggle as a twenty six year old with autism, but this words EVERYTHING I've wanted to explain perfectly! Thank you so much for sharing ❤️
I'm sending this to my friends and family
I even internalize my cats emotions.. If my cats seem anxious (if they cry out loud and sound sad) I start to cry because I feel their pain 😢
I'm a normie, but I can relate to absorbing the bad emotions much easier than the good ones so well! As a child I used to soak others' anger (and sadness but especially anger) like a sponge, and it was truly exhausting. I tried to visualize it and build imaginary 'walls' around myself so that the 'bad waves' could not come in (my mum's idea), and that helped, but I still can't cope with people shouting, the stress level is too high. I can only imagine how much more difficult this must be for aspies!
You are an empath.
I just decided to get on cymbalta. All my emotions are deadened, and life isn't fun anymore, but at least I can get through life without wanting to die as much.
I hope you have someone you can talk to, especially when you feel at your worst.
have you been tested for copper toxicity? Pyrolle Disorder?
@@purkatopics2877 what is that???
There is a strong correlation between being an `Empath` or `Highly Sensitive Person` and this.
Wow I was sceptical about hearing a man speak on women's experiences but 3 mins in and he's already made me realise new things!! I've always wondered why I refuse to be around people in a bad mood. I always say they bring me down and now I get why!
Omg...this is me 😱 Especially the “energy bank account” part. I’ve always thought of myself as a battery. I go through my day calculating how much energy is left. This video is like that shining light sun scene in movies where all the lightbulbs go off
I am touched because I am almost 70 and have only recently recognized that I have many of the symptoms of Asperger's or autism.
Is there anybody else out there who objects to those ladybugs! Ladybugs (or ladybirds, which is English of it) do not generally show their black bottoms when their wings are closed. Their spots are all the same size and are placed symmetrically. It bugs me when people who are commissioned to do artworks, do not do their homework first. It is a bit like all the rainbows that on sees, that have purple at the outer edge, or worse still, put the colours in any order at all.
25:14 this book was the first I grabbed when I had a total breakdown in life, aged 40, and began self medicating with family blocks of chocolate every night. I cried all the way through. I’m fact I cried a lot even when I wasn’t reading it. I realised I wasn’t broken or defective or worthless or stupid. I was an Aspie. It explained everything!
I've never known when I'm ill or if just tired, etc, think it's why I have developed a sick/illness phobia.
OMGOSH 😳 you have just helped me understand more about my 17 year old daughter 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏 Thank you❤
OMG, this is me...it is a perfect explanation of how I feel... In 2018, I was diagnosed by a PhD with Autism on a high functioning level and I cannot possibly express the happiness and excitement of how it describes in full the way I feel and how emotionally, the world is an absolute mine field. Some out there have described having autism as a bit like being a Vulcan...It's true...you feel things incredibly strongly, powerfully and on a whole other indescribable, fantastic level that's so frustrating to even attempt to explain to another... ...if you get the chance to explain it to them...if they're even willing to listen... It is nearly impossible to understand from an autistic person's mindset what some people do, say, mean, think or are referring to. And explaining things to people is just impossible. Emotions to an autistic person are often on a logarithmic scale...they're vastly exponential. It's like you're brain is working overtime...on everything...What might seem like a tiny, minuscule thing to a neurotypical person is a monumental, heart pounding, gut wrenching experience to an autistic person that can stay with them for a long time or even forever... On the other hand, I definitely agree with the Dr. -- I think autism might actually be a sixth sense... We experience things on a whole other level...and that experience differs from autistic person to person...it's almost a gift...and I don't know how to use it, I just do... I can feel the feelings long before a person speaks to me. Just sitting there next to someone... standing there...looking at someone...I can pick up on their anger, distrust, fear, rage, hurt, curiosity and nearly anything emotionally they aren't saying...or are even willing to say...and it is sometimes truly disturbing... I often think to myself -- that person may have been someone really interesting I would like to have gotten to know, but I know now I'll never get a chance to talk to them...emotionally, things often feel physical...it's like you're mind has gone beyond emotions and has connected neurons to you're sensory network...they've effectively completed the circuit...
I can truly relate. Thank you for being open.
I don't think we have more mind body division but less, and that's why we get along well with animals. The division is with emotions, and we replace them with the body sensations. Emotions are an addition of feelings and we don't name the emotion because we can feel and explore the many different feelings coming from the body.
I'am autistic and 22: this speech described me so well that it made me say "yes, yes, yes" every 2 minutes
I found myself saying yes as well
I’m intrigued how you identify an autistic artwork???? Please can you expand ? ❤️
Hannah Gadsby does a funny bit about this in her show "Douglas" that you might enjoy
10:15 this is why I rewatched the Steven universe movie like seven times in one month XD normally my emotions are all tangled and scrambled and vague but watching that film everything was calm and clear and I was happy and chill
Jasmine Reeve Agreed. Steven Universe and Sanders Sides really help me explain my emotions and relate to people
Seventy years later it explains all the whys my family and their friends asked to no avail. Been a rough go most of the way.So good to know people like myself will not have to withstand the ridicule and embarrassment of being different.Took eleven years to get from grade one to get grade seven. So often assaulted by teachers and mother trying to coax me to act normal. These types of videos actually give me a sense of belonging to at least a small segment of the community. Sincerely thank you for sharing this video.
yes
Gosh I love Professor Attwood so much. He is my favourite specialist on the subject. He manages to articulate everything; all the nuances, all the rich threads of the tapestry of it all.
I’ve watched this video before years ago and felt very understood, and it all made sense. And then, just this March I had to have physiotherapy because of a hypertonic pelvic floor, and the therapist pointed out I was tensing my muscles when she asked me to relax, because to me the sensation of relaxation felt stressful! I still have to physically force myself to relax the muscles. Bizarre, but apparently this is not uncommon amongst us aspies. Even though I know I have a disconnect between my mind and my body, it doesn’t stop problems from occurring. It takes hard work every day and that sucks because just being alive is a work out.
Just like so many other comments, this hit home for me and I have never felt so understood. It is mind-boggling. One thing that I have always said that is finally put into words on this video, is I have always told people that I know well that I do not like feeling two or more emotions at once. Especially total opposite ones, or when I feel one emotion one minute and the next minute something happens that totally flips how I'm feeling. I could be happy and then get frustrated and be so angry on the inside. Or I could be angry and then something can totally switch me into being happy and thinking I feel "so so much better than a few minutes ago. What is my problem?" And what's even harder is when I'm having a rough time on the inside but having to put on my normal face which is emotionally exhausting. This is wonderful. Thank you!
I like Sir Tony's perspective since i didn't even know until I was diagnosed as ASD person. but what a pity, I am a nutritionist. If I was a psychologist, I would like to help him with Indonesian Asperger girls' matters.
Idk if I have autism, but since I’ve started researching it I’ve had so many lightbulbs go off. My life is starting to make sense - and I suddenly quit drinking - I healed the urge to do it! I was a horrible alcoholic for 15 years, but now I’ve suddenly figured out how to regulate my emotions!! Once I learn the reasoning behind my behaviors, I can heal it! This happened as a child when I read about OCD around age 11. By age 13 I had stopped almost all of the OCD behaviors. Idk if I have autism, OCD, or ADHD but maybe just having this knowledge that my mind could be working different than others is helping me to heal.
But I liked surprise tests and substitute teachers. I despised the monotony of school. But I resonate with so many of the symptoms. I want to get professional diagnosis somehow but I’m scared to even make that phone call and idk what to say!!! I feel like an idiot. “Hey my life is fine, but I just want to know” I feel like I’m a waste of time and money, and taking space from other people who actually need therapy. And I told my Mom and she really got angry with me for saying it. Also I’ve always wanted to be a psychologist or Counselor. I study the heck out of everyone. My mom tells me it’s a fault, I need to stop overanalyzing people. Like I’m doing it on purpose, like I could make it stop or like I should want to bc she tells me it’s weird and I shouldn’t be doing it.
That speeding clock in the top left hand corner is torture. I have had to fold up a sheet of paper to cover it up! Ironic.
I had to not watch and just listen
Does anyone else think that energy accounting sounds really energy draining? Also, I always wished I had more positive encouragement. Otherwise, this was a very good and relatable video.
I am laughing and sobbing at the same time. This is too much...
Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant! So on point. I Love Dr. Tony Atwood. He understands & explains it like no other. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
I agree
I've cried as he mentioned the function of arts in autistic girls/womens lifes.... "How are you?" "I don't know" (saying).... "How much time do you have?, oh, it's too complex, it's overwhelming me, in what perspective?, what should I answer?, is this really the question or should I do smalltalk?, black hole, everything and nothing, I hate people and live, how could I get away from here? etc. (thinking, progressive frustrated and anxious)
Yep!!! I can't help it. I want to run from toxic people because I literally feel like I am physically suffocating in their presence. If I see a toxic person coming, anxiety hits like a tsunami. I soon have a hard time hearing and interpreting any information around me and everything in the room is now a sensory overload. So I'll grab the nearest pen to ' "click" it or a piece of paper that I can wad and crinkle over and over again until the person goes away. But I have to try so hard to hide the overload because to the normal person there is nothing there, nothing wrong and I must be psychotic for sensing something they can't. Now imagine this happening to you 10 or 20 times a day every day. Exhausting doesn't come close to describing daily expectations from others and the insensitivity due to their lack of knowledge or insight.
I agree
I'm awaiting ASD assessment. I'm 25. My mum has always known since I was a child. I've unfortunately reacted to life events with suicide attempts/severe self harm and have been diagnosed BPD/EUPD (dx 2015). This label has ruined me and professionals treat me badly due to the stigma associated. They see my actions as behavioural / attention seeking / manipulative. The label of BPD makes mes me feel trapped and lost and only makes my suicidal feelings worse.
Have you tested for copper toxicity or pyrolle disorder? BPD is as far as possible from ASD as a person can imagine
Along with bipolar, borderline personality disorder is very common misdiagnosis women have had before being correctly diagnosed with ASD.
I'm the best at " studying people" Tony is telling my story.
yes
Yes, I used to call it "psyching" out the person or teacher in order to ace a class for school
Most of this explains myself more than I could ever explain me.
I'm starting to really think I might be mildly autistic. The energy thing really hit home because I developed fibromyalgia when I was fourteen and I had to go on home tutoring. I didn't think it was that weird, until I joined a support group for teens with fibro (there were only five of us, it's not super common at that age) and while they might have had to drop extracurriculars, I was the only one who couldn't go to school. But if I'm an aspie, that would make sense because I no longer had enough energy to learn new things and deal with the emotional toll of socializing.
Chronic pain is it's own hellish sensory overload.
@@gingerredshoes that is a very good point.
i have chronic pain and fatigue, going through a dx- i've had every test in the book and its all come back clean, so i likely have fibro or (i think) CFS. but i also might have ASD (psych is sending me to neuropsych for evaluation). everything makes so much sense... i'm constantly fatigued and i've had to drop classes so i can have breaks throughout the day, and i still miss school days.
@@insertname1857 if you have fibro, you automatically have CFS. If you've ruled out everything else the final step is to see a rheumatologist, and, if they're still diagnosing it the same way they did in 2005, the rheumatologist will poke you in certain spots and if most of said spots hurt, then you have it. It's not fun, but then you can start treatment, including painkillers, so it's worth it in my book.
I realized I was a high functioning Aspergers
Many things resonate - I do love hugs, however. It' helps me get out of my head.
I appreciate hugs but they do create anxiety for me
This was excellent information, thank you! I've got something new to put in my journal now. I've wanted to track my levels of symptoms against my triggers for ages.
This convinces me more and more that I should pursue an official Apsergers/ASD1 diagnosis
Libby Barton i’m right there with you, i’ve jokingly mentioned it as a possibility but i’ve really been diving into research lately and 👀👀👀👀👀👀
Same I'm just afraid of the time and cost. I've heard it can take years on a waiting list and thousands of dollars.
Hi all who are thinking of seeking a diagnosis. Totally worth it. Depending on where you live. I found a place that only took 4 months to get one. Expensive yeah but I feel a sense of relief and I don't question myself anymore. Good luck with your journey! I'm a women diagnosised with ASD at 29
@@kit10 why would time make you afraid. Cost yes. But the time will pass anyway. Aren't you more afraid of living forever undiagnosed
OMG! I wish I would’ve known all this 60 years ago. Instead I’ve being told I’m a narcissist Magnet because of low self-esteem and I’m not paying attention. That I have allowed them into my world. Granted I had a narcissistic mother and I was the scapegoat of family but that was only part of the problem. I’ve been told wanting to be alone is not healthy but I’ve known for decades that I needed my alone time to rejuvenate my battery. I drank but I didn’t drink at home or at small gatherings with friends and family. I called myself a social alcoholic. I played music with earbuds when I went to the farmers market. Not because it was noisy but I figured out it calmed / separated me from all the people that were there. Helped me stay in my bubble. I had a handful of female friends but I’d rather keep the company of men. Everything he has described, is me. I guess I can stop beating myself up now from being different and the opinions of others.
Thank you for sharing. I have a similar experience to you. Now, it makes sense. Some of us die and never get to know why they were the way they were and life was so hard.😢
excellent information, thank you for sharing, but had to cover my screen because the clock in the upper left corner is migraine inducing.
Lilia Vayuna Yes! Ironic to me they would put it on a video about autism. Clearly whoever did that is not autistic, as they would know better.
Yes! Completely agree. I had to put my thumb over it
the clock was bothering me, too fast moving, I had to just listen
Asking me how I'm doing is almost cruel cause it makes all the tangled conflicting emotion come to the surface, and then this person expects me to answer them in words, fast, while this is overwhelming enough to make me struggle to not to freak out lmao, there were times when I just started crying. Just assume I'm ok unless I start complaining about something on my own.
yes I can't stand the question how are you doing
I feel like Sirius Black when he turns into a pup to fight the dementors most days. I'm still affected by the depression but I refuse to give in! Also, being in a psychiatric ward WAS hell; I convinced the nurses to let me stay in my room and draw/write most days. And when it was outside time, I enacted some fight scenes in my book as a way to battle the narcissistic person who kept blocking me and gaslighting me. Through DBT, I've learned how to assess my feelings and I'm still learning social norms. It's exhausting.
Thank you for making my life easier ! ❤ I realised last year, thanks to a video of you, that I was autistic! I've made my research and I still am looking for professionals who will be able to see it, because there are so many misunderstanding out there! The doctor told me that it was impossible for me to be autistic, because of my empathy, my social skills, and the fact that I was looking him in the eye 🤦♀️ But I made my way and my life and my mental health are getting so much better now that I know! I can't wait to be able to start a diploma to become a psychologist and help my peers ❤❤❤💪✊✊
You just broke my heart with the CBT point. CBT won’t work and we are leaving people untreated. So many people are lost in the criminal justice system because of this. Drug addiction, jail and suicide are all outcomes of our failed system.
Thaaaaat's why I never have any spoons! 🥄🥄🥄 Thank you Mr. Attwood your videos changed my life hands down. I wish I could see you as my Dr.