Understanding Avoidant Personality Disorder
An essential feature of avoidant personality disorder is a pattern of being socially inhibited, feeling inadequate and hypersensitive to rejection or criticism starting by early adulthood.
This pattern occurs pervasively which means it spreads across all areas of your life. So it’s not something you only noticed after being a bad relationship with someone who sucked your soul and tore you down emotionally. After a relationship like that, you will have some battle wounds that can look like feeling inadequate.
Most of the personality disorders including this one really start to manifest around late adolescence and early adulthood. And with avoidant personality disorder, you can get hints of social awkwardness and insecurity that seem a excessive that the child doesn’t seem to grow out of.
Here’s the criteria. You need 4 or more of the 7.
1. Avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection.
2. Is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked.
3. Shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed.
4. Is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations.
5. Is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy.
6. Views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others.
7. Is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing.
There is a lot of overlap between social anxiety disorder and avoidant personality disorder. However, with social anxiety, the fear and anxiety is limited to social interactions. And you realize your fears are unreasonable at some level but you’re still anxious about it. And you can still have close personal relationships.
With avoidant personality, there’s a deep belief that there’s something wrong with you and because of that, you hyperfocus on subtle cues that people are rejecting or criticizing you. The threshold for seeing something as critical is very low. Meaning it doesn’t take much for you to feel insulted or hurt by someone’s remarks. Your reaction to this is to stay away and avoid dealing with people in any way you can.
The treatment for this is cognitive therapy. There may be some behavioral exercises that a therapist can help set up for you, but generally the approach is addressing your distorted beliefs about yourself.
Videos mentioned
Social Anxiety video • Social Anxiety Disorde...
Cognitive distortions video • 8 Self-Defeating Thoug...
Challenge thoughts video • How to Change Your Sel...
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Disclaimer: All of the information on this channel is for educational purposes and not intended to be specific/personal medical advice from me to you. Watching the videos or getting answers to comments/question, does not establish a doctor-patient relationship. If you have your own doctor, perhaps these videos can help prepare you for your discussion with your doctor.
WATCH NEXT - *SOCIAL ANXIETY VS SHYNESS* kzhead.info/sun/hK6ug9FsiWqEZ30/bejne.html
thx for the video I just contacted a professional to help figure this out
I took an online personality test this morning. According to the test I'm 61% Schizoid 50% Avoidant. 44% Schoizotypal. 36% Borderline 32% Paranoid. 22% OCD 17% Nasisistic 16% Dependant. 13% Histrionic 7% Anti Social.
I took an online personality test this morning. According to the test I'm 61% Schizoid 50% Avoidant. 44% Schoizotypal. 36% Borderline 32% Paranoid. 22% OCD 17% Nasisistic 16% Dependant. 13% Histrionic 7% Anti Social.
Thank you for making this video. I got 5-6 out of these 7. I've been struggling for years trying to pinpoint why I'm so different from others. Doing things said to boost confidence without knowing what I'm dealing with. I'll reach out for help after quarantine.
Hello Dr Tracy can one person be both avoidant and clingy because I'm usually avoidant but when someone ignores me multiple times I feel a strong urge to ask them what happened and cling to them though I don't do it. But it occupies all my attention and mind.
I just get tired of people, the older i get the more exhausting others are.
I have some sympathy with your point of view. Dealing with people can be tough except we forget sometimes that we are people too!
Perhaps you’re just an introvert. There’s nothing wrong with that. ♥️
Patricia N Amen, me too. The older I get the less the will to even try
Yes!
Patricia N older people are exhausting to me. That’s because I take care of elderly people with dementia....and they are exhausting
Having APD is like dying in slow motion. You just watch all these years go by, one after another, as you unwillingly stay alone and sabotage your relationship potential with others.
Bingo! That's how I feel. Social Anxiety/ major depression. It's sucks ass so bad
Yep, it's like standing stationary on a train station platform, and just watching the trains of life pass you by, year after year, but you are too terrified to ever get into any of the trains.
My people! Let's get so sick of it, get some kind of kick in the ass or motivation and figured out our strengths and weaknesses and just do the damn work to strengthen them and not stress we can't do it all
@@triffid68 no im sorry if it came off wrong, just saying i know I have work to do and I get hard on myself for preferring being alone and not be willing to get out there and be comfortable. Oh I had to look that up and I think I was growing up, didn't mean to spread it
@@triffid68 meant no harm, I gotta speak my mind though. We had a l misunderstanding but you also pointed out something I missed, our conversation gave outside insight
I'm near 40 and contemplating how I've let my life pass me by. I've driven true friendships away by ghosting people I've known for years. One social misstep and I sink to a well of doubt and insecurity. I avoid intimacy but crave it all the same. I've always considered myself an introvert but avoidant personality describes me to a tee.
This sums me up too. I'm now 47 and the last 20 years I've only existed. I haven't been living b
I totally get you. I just thought it was me. I’m lonely all the time. Panic if I have to go as a couple to a social event
Dude you hit it right on the head. I'm 35 and U just described me exactly. Why do we ghost people? I'm doing it right now. I'm gonna change tomorrow..
@@SevenCostanza I burn so many bridges, it's crazy. I am down to one friend. I cut off all contact with family (siblings) over a decade ago. It is next to impossible for me to heal a relationship when something goes wrong. I am pretty much through with people when that happens. Intellectually, I know it's not healthy to be so isolated, but at the same time, it's hard to form relationships when you know at some point, down the road it is going to blow up.
@@snu3877 it's just blows up cuz of us though . Like it's probably not a big deal for most people. We can't let go off things. Maybe we should find friend like each other on this comment section.
I get so anxious that when I meet people it's like I'm up on a stage making a spontaneous stand up set work..and it's really exhausting
That may also be social anxiety disorder/panic attack disorder. ❤
The KZhead algorithm accurately diagnosing me now.
Scary isn't it the computer knows us better than we know ourselves.
😆😆😆
It kind of hurts doesn't it? 😂😂
Who you tellin??? I want to know who told YT to put this in my recommended videos🤨. What they trying to tell a sista???
Same. I’m officially freaked out
There is another aspect to this avoidance syndrome. Avoiding others because you can't protect your boundaries and allow others to overwhelm you with their demands or dominance of the interaction. You can't say no directly, so you avoid the social interaction completely as a way to protect your boundary and end up feeling lonely, but safe from overwhelm.
Yes! This is me to the T!
That's a great point
Thank you
Hey look it's me
Yes... true... and at other times, it is because it is you who is so in desperate need to be seen that you don't know how to keep healthy boundaries... and you prefer to stay alone not to cling to anyone.
I didn't know this was a disorder. I've missed out on my 20s because I walked away from society. I didn't know this was an actual issue that other people dealt with
I honestly cried my heart out after this video. I thought i was alone, even after 22 years, i never understood why im like this. My parents couldnt understand my reasoning nor do i understand myself. Words cannot express how thankful i am that videos like this exist. Thank you so much. God bless you Maam. I will try my absolute best to beat my anxiety
Your answer is Jesus.
danilaroche1156 I don’t think Jesus will help in this case as “he” doesn’t even intervene when children are being abused and that’s just one example! However my message to Pochitaman30 is you are not alone, I’ve had to endure chronic depression and social avoidance at all costs for a long time and it can be very debilitating. Try to keep your head up, keep occupied and be a friend to yourself. Not everyone is even worthy of your friendship Sir! All the best. 👍👍
It's human & natural to doubt God. Why this? Why that? I don't have all the answers but I can tell you this. I used to be an atheist. I was deeply depressed, broken and utterly shut down. I drank and smoked pot everyday. On a whim, I went to a gospel meeting and heard about Jesus. I said Jesus if you are the Savior, prove it! He did! My life completely changed. If u want to hear more let me know. I'd be happy to pray for you.
When we encounter the Lord Jesus, it's truly life changing. All thru the Bible people met God & they all testified. We are commissioned to share the gospel. The good news of salvation. Jesus is alive . I pray you turn , call on Jesus and get saved!!!!
I used to think that, too. Jesus is alive. He resurrected from the dead and is our Savior.
“If we want the reward of being loved we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known.“
very well said.
This statement just made me cry 💔
This really speaks to me.
i hate this
Excellent!
My conundrum is that I’m lonely, but at the same time, can’t stand people. 😆
Same.
😂 I don't know why I found this so funny. 🙄 I'm brutally lonely, too, but I find the world a scary place. I wish I could live an uninhibited life. 😞
@HITZONE86 Aw, thank you! But, honestly, I haven't created anything, yet (except in my head!)..and I don't create "beats". I'm an aspiring singer/songwriter. I'm assuming "beats" refer to rap music, which isn't my thing..but thank you, just the same. 🙂♥️
Hear ya.
I can't stand people as well. I love animals tho.
I feel called out. 6/7 here. I'm trying a new thing where I'm trying to step outside of my comfort zone and "embarrass" myself at least once a day. It's extremely difficult, but usually the "embarrassment" is just in my head and no one even noticed or cared.
Say that again!! 😂
@chawlieBwn Your comment is right on! Years ago, I finally made the decision to put myself out there and get rejected once a day. Wether it was for work, a boyfriend, a family boundary. It was one of the best things I could have done for myself. It was so difficult but I hardened myself to it. Years later, I am happily married (for 36!) and enjoy life for the most part. I still do retreat into myself and avoid a lot, but every now and then I get back into the mind set of looking for rejection.
Did it help?
@@piru2913 it is helping every day
I've tried that too (call it DIY Cognitive Behaviour therapy). It hasn't worked at all. I still find any interaction (beyond my husband and comment on KZhead) draining.
Being autistic (diagnosed at 50) and subject to bullying from school and family during youth really imprinted this condition on me. As I couldn't do anything right, need to expend exhausting mental energy in order to attempt to do least wrong.
Telling people with avoidant personality disorder to talk about their deep emotions with "a trusted friend" LOL
Antares I know but it really helps.
Lester Brunt It would, if someone with AvPD had a trusted friend. I do not. I suspect many of us who suffer with it don’t.
@@Epscylon You can also talk to an Psychiatrist.
The label is a general catagorization of clustered symptoms. A rule of thumb is: If a person can identify with 3 or more symptoms w/in a general category, then they should do more investigation to see if the lable fits. One may not suffer from ALL of the but a mixture of complexities depending on the person.(example: avoidance disorder) The severity of ea. symptom may range from low to high. Only a professional skilled doctor can diagnose you. I hope this was helpful. ✌&💚& Blossom🌹.
Right?! I laughed and cried at that one. I can't even picture myself asking my best friend to help me work through negative thoughts. I didn't even know it was a "normal" thing to discuss your feelings with others until a few years ago (and I'm middle aged). That just sounds so awkward and uncomfortable. I don't think I would even be able to look her in the eye again if I did that. 👀👀
My family may never realize how lonely I am. I don't talk with people much . I don't feel too connected with people I even avoid family.
6ugust and Chris Emerson I wish you both the very best that life has to offer. Keep tending to your well-being & stay focussed on going for what you both want for your lives 🙏🏾
@@deadwendy6870 Thank You ☺️. It's been great, feels like it's always going to be here, but I am growing stronger to be mentally present.
@@deadwendy6870 wish you joy and happiness 💐❤️
@@JdaPhoeniX9 Thank You & to you also. ☺️
if they are toxic then u need to avoid them especially family!!
My father's wake was full of family members I hadn't seen in years. As soon as I walked into the room everybody was excited to see me and called my name. I was so uncomfortable that I ignored everybody and was standoffish. My aunt noticed my struggle to speak to people,and came over and grabbed me under my arms and walked me around the room like I was a puppet to speak with everybody. It was so embarrassing and uncomfortable. I'm alone everyday and make a special effort to keep most people at a distance.
Oh gosh i relate to this too well. I hate to say it this way but i dislike going to family functions or most types of gatherings for this reason. Not being acknowledged is just so much easier to live with than being forced to worry about what someone else thinks of me all the time. 😮💨
Your researching KZhead videos on how to be better at least you have not completely given up
That is why i always want to be the first one to be at a gathering
I spent Thanksgiving at my aunt and uncle's house reading about lobotomy. On the phone the whole time. My mom and aunt finally peeled me away to play a hand of cards. It was frightening.
My issue with this description is that it implies that the negative reaction we’re avoiding is all in our heads. But for some if not most of us, the negative reaction IS what we get or got from people in our past and therefore we become avoidant.
Agreed
Exactly
The worst part of it is that you never tell about it to anybody cause you'd have to confront you biggest fear, so you just give up and nobody notices because they already perceive you as a cold, distant, antisocial and unpleasant person. They eventually start to avoid you too
being named after satan would help with this avoidance
Another worst part of it is no one will understand it and think you're literally crazy because they can't wrap their minds around it. I have ADHD and I don't know whether it's a factor but it's difficult for me to find the words to explain things properly as quickly as people want to hear it. Overcoming fear is straightforward even if it's extremely difficult. But the real hell is that you cannot change people. Human nature is what it is.
Whoa…. Whoa….. Between the vid and this comment I think I finally understand myself.
@@HeteroSkeletal same, this is kinda freaky
I guess that explains why I just embrace the solitude at this point...
This vid makes me a bit sad because of how much I've hid away my whole life.
Your not the only one. you will see that many of us feel the same way. just think'. you still can go and try over and over if you want by practice sooner or later you may have more confidence in your self knowing.
Michael H same here. I drink alcohol to get out of my shell. But still feel lonely in a crowded room. I think it's something suppressed from my childhood . ❤️ to you,I wish you well xo
Michael H You’re not alone.
nitakate 49 Same here.
@@crystalgrose I've been agoraphobia for over a decade because I'm so fearful of others judgement. However l've been with my husband for 25 years, l still find it very, very hard emtionally and almost impossible to trust him 100%. Many of the issues mentioned means that l keep him at a distance too. I also find the whole concept of 'love' impossible to understand. It's a nightmare and l hate I'm so scared to go out. I'm in my forties now and look back to see it's always been there. l would encourage everyone to search for professional help early in life, don't carry on suffering alone with what is a huge burden to a person's soul.
Unfortunately I find in most cases the rewards of the social interactions are so minimal and not worth the amount of stress and anxiety involved
Yup
I've forced myself into social interactions, because I thought it would be good for me. But the stress and anxiety would stick around for days afterwards. At this point it really isn't worth it, I'd rather be alone.
I agree 100%
People can be numbingly shallow. (sorry not sorry)
exactly how i feel
I have suffered from APD for around 15 years now and have wasted most of my 20s due to it. As I near 30 years old I have finally had the determination to start changing things. Start small, I’ve been focusing on myself with nutrition/exercise and now I am in the best shape of my life. Also been trying to learn more practical and useful skills. By taking care of myself and trying to increase my knowledge I have been slowly improving my confidence in myself and my warped self image. I still haven’t become a social butterfly or anything, but I can definitely tell I’m more confident in conversation. Hopefully I will be able to start dating soon as that is one of the one areas in life that I have been too afraid to dip my toes into because of an intense fear of rejection. I say all this to give you some hope, the worst thing you can do is nothing! I wasted so much time hiding myself from the world, but sometimes all you need is to shift your mindset. If I can do it so can you!
I do try changing the lifestyle. I have depression abd get suicidal thoughts. I would try changing things, had talked to a friends of friend to join gym with me, he's out of reach now and now I'm so shy or have anxiety to join alone. I too want to date someone and for that I've to get better first also my exams never leave me alone. Due to high stress I failed 3 years. I hope I don't end my life and live and keep my hopes alive.
@@Shubh_796 First of all I just want to tell you that your life is worth living. Even if you feels like all hope is lost there is always something you can do. Like I said you really just need to focus on what you can do. There are so many things in life that are actually out of our control, but a lot of us still blame ourselves when those things go wrong. For me it helped to find the small things that I did have control over. I stopped wasting all my time watching KZhead or playing video games. I still do those things in my down time but previously before I got a job that was basically all I did everyday for years to avoid my anxieties, and I almost failed out of college because I almost never went to class. Fitness and nutrition are great hobbies to keep you occupied with healthy habits! I’m convinced that fixing my diet and exercising cured half of my anxiety issues, so much of our emotions and mood are affected by what we put in our bodies. Overall this may not be that helpful but basically I’m trying to say that we can change, and the most important thing for us to change is our mindset. We get caged in with our thoughts and it becomes a vicious downward spiral. I’m not sure exactly what it was for me that flipped the switch but I was able to start changing my mindset and I know you can too!
I realised I was really different when COVID hit and we went into quarantine mode... Never in my life have I felt more at peace or content as I did back then. People complained everyday about not interacting, hanging out, so I thought wow I really am wired differently. I feel so out of place anywhere I go, hanging out with friends drains me completely, I can't open up in relationships, but most of all, I hate meeting new people. Talking about myself, going through the judgmental beginnings, "am I good enough for them?"... Hate it all. It makes me feel so weak and inadequate. That's why I keep to myself, but it gets very lonely I'm not gonna lie.
Same. The COVID quarantine was the best thing to happen in my life. I didn't have to go to the office. I could get my groceries delivered. I didn't HAVE to leave the house. It was so awesome. Yes life is lonely, but the alternative is not appealing to me AT ALL. I'm 48 yrs old and know I will be alone the rest of life. I've accepted it because I just do not like being around people. Never have, never will. People are always wanting to get to know me and it drives me nuts. I'm boring. I don't have ANY interests in anything. At all. It just reminds me how much I suck. I just want to be left alone to wallow in my sorrow and shame. I hope for death every single day. The day I die will be the happiest day of my life. I will finally be at real peace. Can not wait.
I also want to die, completely same
Yea just stay to yourself and order take out
I can relate to this 1000%. The only thing that can get me out of the house on a regular basis is watching/playing my favourite sport.
All my life I thougt I am the only one. Can it be cured somehow? I don't want to be alone all the time. I want to have a wife and kids, live a normal life.
Covid simply validated the fact that my 'normal' was no different to being in a lockdown... Nothing changed. It was lovely i felt like i fitted in lol!!
Never related so much to a comment 😅🤭🙌
Same dude. I am so content just at home. Lockdown was a dream though I do live with one other person - i think i would have hated to live alone
Same here😅😅 everyone was complaining about not being able to go anywhere and I was like what u mean? Grocery store’s always open🤣
Made me feel worse, fitting in is not what I want.
Fitted in for once but still had no one to talk to about it. 💀
Choosing to be alone is not the same as a sentence of loneliness; Avoidant Personality is a sentence of loneliness!
I spent 45 years in the midwestern United States where strangers are generally friendly and engage in small talk. I've been living in Los Angeles for 9 years now and have noticed that being friendly is usually perceived as mental illness. When I'm overly friendly to a stranger here they look at me like I'm crazy and avoid a conversation. It's really rampant and it sucks the joy out of being social.
I thought I was the only one felt like people make you feel like you don't have good sense. When you're just a social butterfly a friendly person.
Yup, im 4 years in originally from the east coast
That's basically Finland. People don't look at each other, barely say hello, no small talk. People being awkard and "busy". That is, unless they're out with a spouse or friends, or drinking hard, then people talk - but only to each other. Since I am a single, with no friends and I don't drink, I'm fucked
I feel you from both sides! I grew up in the Midwest and have lived in LA for about 20 years. I recently returned to the midwest for my niece's wedding! I felt trapped by the extended rambling and "oversharing" by caucasions who knew me or my family... it was a little scary! Because really I didn't GAF!
@@craigmerkey8518 QnA 'Wow ! _ 😶
“Most people with avoidant personality order are deeply lonely” Very true. As an avoidant person, the thing it has taken me a lifetime to understand is: the more I am around people (colleagues, acquaintances & even family) the more lonely I feel. Conversely the more alone I can be, the less lonely I feel.
Relatable! I am surrounded by people at all times and yet I feel lonely af!
then you do not have avoidant personality disorder
TheJoker1432 are you their therapist? not everyone has the exact same experience with this, ya know.
pete howard I think this kind of describes me. I’m 72 and have pretty much felt like an avoidant for most of my life. But...thing is...I’m never lonely. I have two cats. Helped raise all my grandkids and raised my own girls alone. I can pretend tho. I’m funny, witty, amusing and oftentimes, I make myself laugh...if I say or do something funny. I’m just a loner I think. I enjoy solitude and peace. Have some immune issues and chronic fatigue too. But...definitely....this kinda sounds like me....but I’m not ever lonely. 🤷🏼♀️
i don't feel at all lonely...i truely love my alone time....
Woohoo, perfect score 7/7! Just wait until I tell my friends... oh - yeah, never mind.
Same here!
Yup. And I'm still waiting to find a psychologist/psychiatrist. Yay Canadian health care... -_-
Sykaris The Grey Witch Maybe go to a marriage and family therapist- they are less drug focussed, way better trained and supervised, but not free.
@@keithlightminder3005 Ya that's the issue, I need both, but I'm on a waiting list for one and can't afford the other as it's not covered.
Paul, your comment made me laugh.
My sister has this disorder. I've been educating myself to figure out what she is going through. Your video is the best one by far on this disorder in explaining it to me. Thank you!
you are a good sibling :,)
God bless you ❤
I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder ten years ago, but what I found is that I am deeply afraid of developing intimacy with people instead of worrying everything. Whenever I feel people try to get along with me, I will just get anxious and find an excuse to get away. If I cannot escape, I will be extremely polite (in the workplace or even in a restaurant). That made me not a human being, but a robot. I know how good it is to interact with people because I had a happy school life. When I turned 16, I easily got embarrassed without a reason. Since then, I have been lost. WANTED: YOUNG ME, HAPPY ME 😭
Oh, that young, happy you is still there even if you are no longer young. You can learn to regain all that, but it takes a lot of work. I was a high-functioning zombie before I spent many years digging through my issues. There's more to go, but I'm at least on the right track. Love is all around if we just learn to let it in.
I bet you have lots of thoughts going through your head non stop. Adhd meds can help.
Dude I FEEL YOU. At my current job I feel so so anxious and fearful just having to be around people and I feel like I act like a robot, and I’m especially fearful when talking to authority figures, like almost to the point where I feel like crying. But I’m super grateful for the people who don’t act like you’re being awkward and are friendly. So…. gotta start going to therapy now 😅✌🏽
I had severe social anxiety as a kid and severe APD now. I'd rather have the anxiety.
Was there an incident that caused that change?
The best way I've been able to describe it is that everything feels like reaching for an electric fence. If you've touched one before, especially more than once, you develop a real, physiological resistance to touching that wire. Even when you *know* that it's turned off, you still resist touching it. And if you don't know if it's on or off, you definitely don't. And all interactions are like not knowing if that fence is on or off...
Exactly!!!
Exactly how it feels.
What a brilliant metaphor, YJ Barke! I would also add, that if someone has been zapped by enough electric fences, a person can then develop PTSD to ALL fences.
That's what I don't get. So, to have APD you have cognitive distortions, but what if the thoughts aren't distortions? Haven't most people with APD been genuinely hurt? Who wants to sign up for more pain?
TJ Barke- That is true for absolutely everyone. I have been viscerally hurt by people but I NEVER want to have a closed heart and stop reaching out. That only hurts me more. It is not my or your fault that some people hurtful and even harmful to you. I'm reaching out right now and, 7 months ago, so did you. This counts as well and I think these sites are a good way to find common ground with people in a really good way. Both my brother and daughter have paralysing social anxiety. For him, if he comes out for a brief walk with me, it's a big deal and I do appreciate that. For her, she stays open to trying with people and I respect that but it also breaks my heart when things go wrong. Many avoidant people are extremely perceptive and sensitive (like she is) and can 'read' a room and the atmosphere in a split second. As a young child she used to walk into pre-school, suss out the room and find the place she found the least drama or conflict. She never jumped into the deep end with people first thing. Her teacher told us that was a very unique quality in a child and a very good one,too. I mean we really didn't worry she'd ever wander off with a stranger like her extraverted brother. We had to watch him constantly. He'd chat with Satan if he came along. I hope you are well. Keep in touch if you want a friend. I like the way you describe the feeling. It helps me know my beloved brother and daughter better and better ways to help them be comfortable. So, look, you did good in the world!
I watched this because my boyfriend in retrospect clearly suffered from avoidant personality, long story short he died by suicide 17 years ago, mental health was not as accessible as it is now, to even begin to understand what he was going through at the time. After his death I talked to people he went to school with, extended family members, coworkers, and found out all this stuff about him I never knew, like putting together a puzzle, no one knew everything, no one was close to him, I was the closest and even then he kept me at arms length, but as I began to piece all of him together, the things that I would imagine he was ashamed of, or that he thought reflected badly on him...I had such empathy for, and felt so defensive of him, so the funny thing is, the more I found out about who he really truly was, the more I loved him, and I already loved him, so knowing his pain and the things he was burdened with, it just made him more real, and human, and never did I judge him or think badly of him, or less of him. This is just to say, the things you want to keep away are the things that make you loveable, just human stuff that everyone experiences, you deserve love. You are worthy.
God in heaven above I want to believe that, it's hard to hope that big anymore.
@@blkbrdmntrvimes6438 you know if your judgment is that this is a good caring person, then it’s worth making yourself vulnerable, I think, quite humbly, that falling in love is actually that really exciting and intense thing that happens when two people are incredibly interested in getting to know the other person deeply, like you can think someone’s really hot, but if your relationship never goes past the surface, you’re never going to love them, or feel loved by them. And then the opposite is true you meet somebody they’re nice but you don’t think they’re hot, but then the more you get to know them, the more you crave knowing about them, you keep getting closer and closer to knowing these fundamental things that you find are so similar to your own fundamental things, and then boom you’re in love... this was a long drawn out answer to say no one should go exposing their deepest darkest secrets to just anybody, there are a lot of jerks out there, but when you find somebody that you connect with, you should be willing to at least try to go a little bit deeper, and a little bit deeper, And then deeper, you got to challenge yourself past those points where you start to feel like shit I’ve revealed too much, now this person will never understand me or care about me, because the chances are they will. This was a long reply, I’m still in most mostly isolation for the pandemic, so humor me
@@alv134mommy no worries I agree with a lot if what's written here. It's hard for me to hope like that because it's a big damn hope. Haven't messed with big hope in a long time. I still hope just for smaller things, things that seem capable of happening. I can't be sure if my judgements are any good because my track record being absolutely drek. Last 3 attempts unintentionally creeped them all out , and in turn went silent and straightened out any problems and phased me out quickly and quietly and leaving me feeling foolish. In the past I was vulnerable still am in many ways, just lost any ability that I was flirting or acknowledge it in anyone else unless it's aimed at someone else . Couldn't tell I was being hit on aggressively until I had officially blew it and she focused on my co-worker. Also have a solid way 5o.make money Sort of good luck chuck just w/o sex I show interest they're married 3 weeks later and blissfully happy . I'm happy for them just curious why my suffering seems to grant them happiness. Have a great day
@@blkbrdmntrvimes6438 that is some bad luck, I will grant you that, but i don’t think I would want to marry someone after 3 weeks or you know a short period of time, so I’m thinking you dodged a few bullets there, and don’t get me started on an anti marriage rant...but you know the things I found out about my boyfriend were embarrassing and humiliating and I know must have been torturing him, would I have been scared off if he shared those things 3 weeks in...im not perfect so maybe? But you know somewhere within our 7 year relationship it might have been good for him to have shared with me...because you know, obviously. So that is just your judgement call, but I do think being careful at first is good, normal, appropriate so I don’t think you did anything wrong you know...obviously I do not know these people but you wouldn’t want to be in a marriage of obligation or meeting expectations TRUST ME, there is nothing lonelier than that! I have never been in love again since my boyfriend that died, and although I do keep mostly to myself and I am married, so that might be why, I also have never encountered someone I felt that drawn to, curious about, in sync with...so I think real love is not common, like it just doesn’t happen every day, which sucks when you long for it but also that’s what makes it so amazing, right, it doesn’t just happen all the time. But being yourself and pursuing your own personal interests and passions, I think being the you that you want to be will bring you into contact with people that you can truly connect to, I mean that goes for everyone...like what are the odds someone you work with is someone you can have a deep connection with? Like it’s possible but you know if you work in an office or something, it’s unlikely...at least that is my opinion based on my highly limited perspective!
@@alv134mommy agree completely I feel I didn't explain the glcns properly not that they're actually married across the board but the chemistry between them is palpable. the few I've tried to date, let alone talk to, couldn't be bothered for either of the 2 things I ask for. 1. An honest chance. 2. An honest reason why not. The second one is so I don't keep making the big mistakes . Truly I'm sorry for your loss wouldn't wish that on most of my enemies.
My sister doesn't speak English and I wanted to share this video with her, Thank you so much for the Arabic subtitles, You have no idea how helpful that was.
Speaking from my own experience, this is an insurmountable problem. I was a straight A student but I essentially dropped out (actually got kicked out) of high school for non-attendance because I couldn't overcome the social pressure and had absolutely no support system whatsoever. I was extremely lucky to find both a well suited & well paying job (3rd shift, no social interaction) but that was it. Been in and out of therapy my whole adult life, yet I have not changed at all and am still basically right where I started from. Last time I had an intimate partner was six presidents ago. When asked 'On a scale of 1 to 10 how would you rate your self-esteem?' I always answer zero. Which means if I doubled, tripled, or increased it ten-fold, it would still be 0..
I feel you so fucking much... Could u tell me what u mean by "support system"?
@@mattb.7079 - No close friends, just acquaintances, never stayed in touch with anyone after high school, wasn't 'in touch' with any of them _in_ high school, no close family, never spoke a word about anything to anyone until seeing a therapist in early adulthood. Medication helps me forget, and therapy helped me vent, but still have zero self esteem. Never had a real girlfriend, no goals, no expectations, no plans, no hopes, no dreams, just coasting aimlessly. Self confidence and self-esteem cannot be created from nothing. 'Fake it till you make it' is a meaningless expression said by people with real self confidence who cannot believe or even conceive of not having any. Similar to saying 'Until you believe in yourself no one will ever believe in you' which I hear as 'No one will ever believe in you'. And it's correct, no one will ever be capable of believing in me. I see it, feel it, experience it every moment of everyday..
@@HailAnts am almost exactly the same, except I have some things I feel like I still have to do. Wanna write some stories, express all (or most of) my feelings out my chest in that way since i don't see how i could do it any other way.. hope u'll find sth stimulating enough to keep you going m8
@@HailAnts i think im experiencing the same. I want to get help But because I have a past history with addiction, psych arent taking me serious:/ how’d u get help
my life has practically gone the same - i graduated last year, BARELY, with 33 unexcused absences and many days having to make up hours… and i used to be in the top 10 of my entire class. it feels so fucking terrible seeing all my friends go to college and im stuck working a 3rd shift job because the college environment is too scary and i threw my acedemic career down the drain :(
When I dont avoid people, I end up having highly awkward interactions 😭 Im avoidant because I KNOW Im awkward af and I hate it so much
Same I just can't stand the awkwardness.... Sometimes I just wished I could befriend someone without talking.
Same here, but I'm in a job where I can't avoid interaction with people.
I got over it somewhat by forcing myself. I became an English as a foreign language teacher. I now give classes to 30 or more uni students at a time. Strangely, this is now easy, but social situations are still hard.
Totally agree! It’s weird though because some people I can be completely comfortable around, but others I feel like a freak.
maybe you're assuming what you're feeling is what the other person is experiencing too, and that's not the case. so what may in actuality be a little awkward to them (and that can even be attractive, i.e., shyness/nervousness) may feel to you like horrible awkwardness that you're projecting onto others in the situation. it's important, i think, to differentiate your experience of an interaction from others' experiences of the same interaction. i speak as one who's been involved intimately (over and over again it seems!) with avoidant personality types, i think, perhaps b/c my mother was avoidant and i am very empathetic and know not to push.
This is me. This is so me. I'm pushing 50 and I have never been in a relationship. I have few friends, hate crowds, terrified of being awkward or silent around people. Quarantine has been the best/worst.
Know you're not alone.
Me
I am 55 been in few satisfying relationships but know I am a coward and avoidant... I really nee dto tell certain people to go f--- themselves
i'm 28 and that's me too. i'm happy i'm not alone. i wish you the best
Good for you that you have friends.
I been behaving this way ever since i was a child. Now i'm 23 and don't know where to start. I basically gave up on all of my relationships, it's really hard for me to cope. Your explanation at least gives me an idea of what my issues could be. Thank you.
I’m 22 and now I understand why I felt so different from everybody in my life. This shit really hurts
I'm over 60 and have given up. No wife, girlfriend, or life. I've lost many jobs because I couldn't work with groups. This doesn't get better, the best you can do is take acting classes and act like you're fine and feeling comfortable with people. But in the end, you'll feel better being alone, even if you're miserable..
Have you tried therapy though? I’m sure it’s possible to change this right? Or take steps to mediate it. It’s never too late.
@@j-vic07 Yes, it's just my personality, nothing to "correct". In short, if you want to change, you have to pretend, to become an actor. But you never stop feeling the way you do, it's part of you..
@@kgdonna I’m 22 and relate to most of what you say. But I have to believe there’s hope, and little steps can help me/us change for the better. Sending you good vibes.
55, about to give up as well 🍻
I'm 48 and I've given up on all people now. I have zero people in my life, except for mental health workers.
Did KZhead just diagnose me through the recommendation algorithm?
I want to say yes, but I'm too reluctant to talk to you.
Yup
😂😂😂. ✌&💚& Blossom🌹.
Yes
Oh my gosh, same tho :o
I don't want to be like this anymore :(
Me neither sis
Same here. Stick in there, you arnt alone ❤
me either
Have you made any progress kn the ten months since you wrote that? I could be avoidant myself - but that may not be precisely right.
Me neither, but it is what I am comfortable with, for now.
I feel like I've made so much progress in my view of self worth, yet still whenever a conversation gets too personal I just freeze. Like, thses people are genuinely interested in me and I can't possibly fathom why.
Thank you, Tracey Marks. You gave me the strength to push past my fears and go see a psychologist and psychiatrist. I appreciate you.
Wonderful! I'm so glad to hear that! All the best to you 😊
People with avpd are actually avoiding their true self, they're hiding so well their truth because of childhood trauma. Later in life that's why they have problems with relationships, cause it's a self sabotage
I am my own worst enemy, that's for sure. Self sabotage seems to be my specialty. 🙁
true..
Agree totally, I've got this around overly judgemental family members who psychologically abused me my entire childhood.
@@Bettinasisrg I can feel you!! It's never too late to heal yourself and trust people again, the right ones though 🙏
@@Bettinasisrg same! I’m 34 and didn’t know I was suffering with this disorder😩 till this day some of my family members still judges me😢
I'm diagnosed with Avoident personality disorder and I actually don't think people suck. The hard thing is if I worry about work or paying bills I start avoiding everything in my life and isolate myself in my apartment. It's a scary disorder that also makes me question who I truly am since I'm constantly trying to please others rather then being honest with myself.
Are you me? Your comment describes me in an incredibly accurate fashion.
Same gurl
I HAD this condition until I started listening to subliminal affirmations. Changed my life entirely.
When I was a kid in the 70s I had a serious learning disability. I was picked on sooooo much that it crushed my self esteem and self worth. Now at 56 I can honestly say I’ve got this avoidance disorder. I’m so afraid of being crapped on and laughed at that I quit functions that could seriously better my life. Im married now but my dating life was a complete disaster. Woman after woman after woman came into my life and I just wasn’t up to the constant teasing and subtle ribbing I’d get for being different. This disorder is very frustrating.
"Unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked." That's my dating life in a nutshell.
🤔
Good doggo
Dude tried to get close to someone without certainty she liked me. Turns out she didn't and hates me now. 2/10 will never try to get close to anyone romantically unless they literally beg to suck my cock.
Saaame. I waste my time looking at those “how can you tell someone likes you” articles and think about it non-stop instead of just. Going for it? 😆
Unwilling to get involved with people. Full stop. That is my life 🙃 But I am very willing to spend my time with birbs 🦜🐦🕊️
Living in a dysfunctional society is the reason why others including myself are avoidant. Society is chaotic and seems it was designed that way on purpose and I am not crazy if I decide I dont want to be apart of it. I separated myself simply because I cant handle the lies and fakeness of life.
Society in controlled by women go figure.
I've always seen others who still take part in society as brainwashed and just unaware. Maybe they don't care and use this to their advantage. Who knows. I care about people I am close to but I certainly don't just open up to new people irl. Much easier to talk for a bit online then open up.
Ameris- I totally relate
Then you do not have avoidant personality disorder
Honestly, you haven’t found your community yet. So many people are not fake and are very real. This could be your brains way of justifying your avoidance.
Your talks are very interesting. Sometimes I'll click on one because I think it's me, only to discover that no, not me. But we all have a little of all the disorders or deficiencies in us. I like visiting with people and I have lots of questions for people I'm getting to know, but I'm recharged by being alone. Alone alone. With nothing on my calendar for days. That's why I thought this was me. Reassured. All is well.
My cousin was emotionally hurt by mean girls now she finds it hard to talk to women!!
This has been my issue since very young, probably induced by neglect and abuse. I feel much more safe just being alone.
Sabrina C I can understand why you feel safe alone, me too, and for the same reasons you give, it's very simple, if you are alone no one can hurt you. When I was a little girl the only time I Felt safe was when I would go and stay with my Nana (this was in the 50s) and I would stay with her for the Summer Holiday, I got breakfast, lunch and dinner, clean clothes and a three wheeler bike to ride round the block (all day) and my own bedroom. I hated going home to my negligent parents. Good luck Sabrina btw lovely name.
Honey Bea Hi, I think there are a lot of us out there who feel the same, I just can't tolerate people who have asked me what are you trying to prove by isolating yourself, it's interesting that people want to rewrite history and "move on", well I don't. I would never suggest that someone should live by my rules and yet I'm supposed to "fit in", which in their eyes makes me a misfit. My Son had a lovely childhood, we made sure of that, we had a long talk some months ago because I wasn't going out and he said it wasn't normal. I made it clear that we will always have a close relationship but I was allowed to choose what I do, he gets it (Now), so wishing you the life you want and it's not necessary to go with the the flow 🌹🌹🌹
So true it's the only time I'm safe
when i am forced to be with ppl socially i fantasise about being at home with my cats with a cup of coffee and a book
Shanto Lion Oh I get that, I haven't been out (anywhere) since New Years Eve, so nine months, and I like it that way, I have no desire to go out so I don't, I'm not concerned with what people think, that's their business. Always do what you want and not worry about people's opinion.m❤️
Sometimes when I'm talking to someone a thought just crosses my mind that the person I'm talking to is judging me, or doesn't want to be around me. When the though comes I just draw a blank and forget what I'm talking about because all I can think about is how much the person probably wants me to go away. At that point the only thing I want is to get out of the conversation and be alone.
Yes! I have these thoughts too. I can have a perfectly normal interaction with say, a family member but then suddenly I feel as if I'm being a pest or that the person I'm talking to has become disinterested or is "faking" nice. Its tolling
You might just be good at reading the situation lol. I tend to avoid conversations that are not natural.
The most liberating moment I have ever had in my life was when I stopped giving a crap what other people thought of me.And maybe it's about getting older and or looking back and seeing how much I have been through and survived.
Yup
Mary Bailey-Gates Yeah but that is the whole point. I desperately don’t want to give a fuck but there is this trigger in my head that overwhelms me with shame and anxiety.
My best-friend sent me the link of this video, just randomly. His diagnosis of my Avoidant Personality is top tier. As I am getting older (just turned 33), I am getting more & more reluctant of being in social settings and avoid being active in relationships. I feel so awkward, perceive myself as incapable to a point I question my intellect. All this has been internalised for so long that my attempt at building a high wall has secluded me from enjoying and experiencing life.
My pattern is performing tasks. It's most consistent when I need to do a task VS just interacting with someone. I can easily do a relaxing weekend around town and not too concerned with anyone's opinions of me. But when it's about a job, or really, when someone who has experience with something has the opportunity to watch me. I freak.. I avoid them. I'll put that item away or stop participating until I feel safe continuing. Simple tasks.. sometimes they seem so bizarre, I think it's a form of OCD. I recall as a teenager, I couldn't mow the lawn if the neighbors were out. I'd wait until they aren't home. Or wearing a bike helmet was embarrassing, so I'd put in my backpack until I was a few blocks away. Now it's things like..hard to advertise for my business and "compete" against other businesses. Even a logo on my vehicle is something I am avoiding.
Why are therapist so expensive? They are greatly needed in todays world but the average person can't afford them..
YES YOU'RE SO RIGHT, THE AVERAGE PERSON CAN HARDLY AFFORD REGULAR SESSIONS FOR A LONG ENOUGH PERIOD OF TIME
Well I don't trust them anyway. So I can't go because I always end up lying. Because I'm afraid they won't understand or they are bad at their job. I don't have money for a trial period.
Because they can help fix the thing you most need fixing and have spent years and years studying your ailment. Why shouldn't they make their money?
@@mjt1517 Your money over people argument is shyte
@@keerya4179 I don't trust them either. Especially state mental health workers. They are crazier than they tell us we are!
I feel less lonely reading this comment section ;-)
One of the best I've read!
I feel more lonely around people .
We accept you!
Me too, I learn to imagine you all out there are somewhere! How to meet?
Same, I'm literally here after having a mental breakdown over this
I have had this for years. I know what all of you that have this have gone through. One thing, don't trust your initial "reading" of people. Learn how to not give a dam . About what you may think others think about you. Just be as kind as you can. But don't take it upon yourself to feel obligated to interact. Especially if you are young. You are you. There's nobody like you. And you were meant to be here.
Well I was sexually harassed at 3 jobs. Each time it started from others, not me. As in I was just minding my own business, and some specimens found it fun to pick of me. I was also sexually assaulted by a male relative which made it almost impossible to trust men. I had "friends" who would start making fun of my accomplishments if I got too happy or too far ahead of them. I also found out they were spreading rumors behind my back. So...it kind of reminds me of that meme that said "before you diagnose yourself with depression or anxiety make sure you're not surrounded by a-holes"
And you just got to the point of why this video bothered me. Avoiding mean people and their ab usive behavior is a "personality disorder." As usual, the recipient of bullying is made into the problem. Even among the medical community, it would seem.
@@davezad yes, my avoidance of people stemmed from them making fun or degrading me because of my background.
@@davezad you're wrong about this. I've never been abused and yet I'm still an avoider
"take an inventory of your relationships" This exercise was over before it started.
😅😅😅
Loooool
Gotta love using humor to hide the pain... I'm the best at it!
It hit the toes so hard...
I internally laughed at that one
I identify with most of this. I am very lonely. However, recently I just kind of realized that I don't like most people. I don't know why. I sometimes attempt to make friends, but then realize I don't really care for the other person or what they have to say and then I don't follow through. I know that sounds shitty of me. I wish I could fix it. It sucks because I really do want friends, but for some reason I just don't seem to connect with anyone at all...
Same here! Personally, I just know I have low empathy and it's hard for me to actually relate to others and feel what they feel unless I put in effort to sympathize, and even then I can't sympathize with everyone. I'm also pretty sure I'm on the autism spectrum which explains this. Of course I'm not proud of it, but I can recognize it, and that's something, right?
I work as pharmacist which means that I have a good empathy (so that I can talk to so many patients everyday) but I still feel that way. I think it's not the matter of empathy, but the prejudices you have against other people working as barriers. You are like a scared little puppy and not putting you as the same level as others you are facing. Friendships only form if both parties are equal and they feel so. It's different from empathising. Do you think you are scared to take actual care into people and later they don't return the same interest in you? That's how I think. I think that there are so many better friends material out there that even if I take care into other people they will appreciate this at a very little level and then when other friends materials do the same act the effect will be much bigger and meaningful to them. That is why I fear into taking interest in others because I know that I don't mean anything to them. However, if someone wants to get close to me, I regard this as a nuisance and think that they want to use me to kill off boredom or use me to record moments in instagram. That's my thought process. Till now I don't know if it's wrong thing to think this way or not lol.
@@yeongseolee Same here, I thought everyone felt this way, but really most people don't. So I avoid anyone that shows an interest bc they'll figure out I'm too boring anyway and leave. Just always happens. Abandonment issues and self-sabotage basically define me along with depression.
You may be a loner but your not alone. Thats corny as f* lol.
I feel this way a lot. I try not to because I don't want to be some stuck up person. I often think other people are interested in the most stupid things, and those things don't interest me at all. And I most certainly feel that way about drug users (sorry to present company who uses), but also people who like shitty movies or tv shows or shitty games. And I know I shouldn't be that way. I sometimes like corny, shitty movies, though they tend to be older ones. I try and I try, but I can't find any interest in modern movies.
I am turning 20 in a few months and for years I thought I just had major social Anxiety but knew I could talk on a surface level to many different people but Never would want to share anything personal. I would hate the feeling of getting too close bc my fear of judgement and abandonment. I never heard of APD until I came across this video and seriously resonated to ALL SEVEN of the traits. Thank you for this.
Wow same and I just turned 19 a month ago.
@@ehhdt.3909 what state are you from?
I actually think that is great. Not that you have these avoidant feelings. But that you better understand them. I'm nearly twice your age and hearing of avoidant personality disorder for the first time just yesterday. It does gives me a small amount of relief knowing there is a name for this group of difficulties.
Same here
@@ehhdt.3909can you help? My 19 year old son has the dismissive rather than anxiety part. He has not called me for two month. He started not answering my calls once he went to college and lived on his own. Now his behavior is spilling over to his siblings. In his place, what would you want me to do? Forget about you? Call you? Visit you and hug you and try to reason with you. God damn it I feel I have lost my boy; this just can’t be
All this time I thought I was JUST an introvert and everything I’ve suffered was because of it. I am starting today towards change that now I understand how I act because of this. Only thing my avoidant personality helped me is to be more reflective with myself and I will use it towards change. I hope I will never have to think more than once before I speak about my emotions.
Im literally lowering the volume when someone passes me because they might judge me for watching these kind of videos
I used to hold my breath everytime people walked past me because I was afraid they were judging how fast my heart was beating or how labored my breathe was.
Stop caring about what they think…are they better than you ?
@@artwithmamafairybreadd This is akin to saying 'just stop being depressed bro'. It's never that simple. Every action in our lives is dictated primarily by a perceived notion of what others are thinking or may think.
@@acrophis of course it’s not that simple…it can take years to learn to have self esteem and self luv and self respect…once you have these on a healthy level…it heals you, AND THATS WHEN you learn to not give a toss to others perceived image of you… Or you at least learn to not let it effect you much….and to get all the self luv and esteem you need…you gotta work at it, just like you gotta work getting a degree or apprenticeship…it’s the same deal…. But you’re not going to be ok at Anything (including your degree ) if you don’t have the above 3 things I mentioned….so you have to get with it and do something about it and IT CAN BE DONE if you really want it…..it’s never too late…..
@@artwithmamafairybreadd Anecdotally I can agree with this to some extent. The automatic judgemental thoughts do have their edge dulled over time as you get older. 34 years on for me and I still open my blinds in the morning and assume the people across the street are watching and I make an effort to not do anything that could be perceived as weird in their line of sight. This is probably more of an extreme example but as I say it's purely anecdotal and not representative of the condition as a whole. I would take having a mind clear of these thoughts over winning the lottery any day.
To those of you who say you love being like this and are an introvert, that's fine. I used to say that until I realized I didn't really want to be like this. I chose to be like this because of anxiety I have around others most of my life. I was always in my head and correcting or shaming myself. So because of the work it takes to socialize, I hid behind the "introvert" label. But deep down I was really, really lonely and longed for connection. I just didn't think I was capable of it and I always focused on the negative things about others. As a result, I never had many close friends. Just acquaintances. I think it's important to differentiate between a happy introvert and practicing avoidance based on anxiety. There are some people who function as an introvert and still have balance, love and happiness. That wasn't me. I was an introvert but was always anxious around people and had a negative view of most people. To me, that's not OK and I had to realize my inner self talk was what was keeping me in social prison. We need to stop chalking everything up to being an introvert. For some, that's all it is. But if you have a negative view of most people, suffer from anxiety and depression, constant self doubt in social situations, and have a negative inner dialogue about yourself..... something else is going on you might want to address. My guess is you've had a long-standing inner dialogue that is defeating you and so you choose to be alone. It's become so habitual that you have convinced yourself it's your normal. I was a people pleaser since birth, so I was always putting people's needs in front of my own. So I was suffocating and found myself in boring conversations and activities I didn't want to be in. I bought the book "Not Nice" by Aziz Gazipura and I started to learn how my "niceness" and inauthenticity around others kept me in prison because I felt controlled by everyone's opinions of me. People drained me because I allowed them and didn't know how to assert myself and attract the right people who are a natural fit. All I'm saying is we are all different, and it's important to really understand if your "normal" is what really makes you happy or if that's what you chose based on feeling anxious, self conscious, etc. And in reality you really want to learn to connect. I was the latter but had convinced myself for years I was happy by myself because people suck. But it's not that people suck. Yes, some do but not all. I was just attracting the wrong people based on how I felt about myself and my inability to speak up and be myself. Once I realized that, I started being conscious of how I sabotage myself with inner dialogue. When you do that, you start attracting different energy and people into your life. It takes time but it starts with awareness and honesty with who YOU really are. It's ok to be an introvert, but if you are deep down truly unfulfilled and have negative thoughts and energy.... you may have just convinced yourself this lie for so long, you believe it's the truth.
Wow, that description sounds a lot like myself. I've wasted so much time wondering and being paralyzed by what others think. It's good to know there are others who have the same problem.
@@alanhowitzer Yep! I am a full grown adult and realized how many years this has sabotaged my life. I hope others can realize it at a much younger age than I did. It literally would have changed the trajectory of my life from the job I chose, friends, etc. It was time for me to stop hiding behind the introvert label and realize I was just afraid of not being liked so I kept to myself.
@@quickpstuts412 I feel exactly the same. In my early twenties I suffered depression and eventhough I knew seeking help from a therapist was the correct thing to do, I didn't. I self medicated (by spiritual means) and thank goodness I got to recover. However, if I had gone for professional help then, my life choices would've been so different and I wouldn't have been in the binds I lived through most of my adult life. I urge young people to get help. Don't let life pass you by.
@ Quick Ps Tuts, Where are you located? I'm in MICHIGAN! I know you said alot already, but pls help me further. If you could somehow take me thru the journey you went thru, I would so appreciate it. I am everything you decribed and I want it all to stop. I want to live and not just exist. Pls HELP ME!!!
@@jilliandavis5691 I'm in Texas. Definitely get the book I recommended called Not Nice. I got it on Amazon. If the description in the book fits you and you are a people pleaser/always caring what people think then this is the book for you. Of course everyone has different reasons why they are the way that they are. So I'm not sure if that's the same for you. But if you are constantly caring what others think and you are uncomfortable in social situations, find yourself agreeing to everything, caring what people think... this book will guide you. Good luck!
This is it ...this is it 😢😢😢😢I'm in tears listening to this video ..I've just isolated from everything
Thank you for posting this ❤🫶 avoidants are constantly trash talked on social media without any real basis in the psychology of the disorder. I know I have this. I don’t want to have it. Those are two very distinctive things.
Avoidants? Am just becoming aware of that term. Looks like that's what I am😑
I want to have friends, i want to make connections and reach out to others but at the same time i can't bring myself to do it, i'm always so scared to say the wrong thing or to appear ridiculous and stupid, i'm scared of smiling in front of other because i think my smiling face is weird, off-looking, and the more i try not to smile the more i don't know how to, i see my class chats and i want to join in, but i hesitate and the more i hesitate, the more time passes, the wider the gap between me and them becomes, especially now where the only contact i can have with other is online, i also avoid facetime because i fear i may look horrible on cam, i fear judgement of other to the extreme, can't stand whispers of others, and all of this coupled with my some of the secrets i keep from other makes me frustated to anyone, to reality and to myself.
That is definitely AVPD. And I have never related more to anything else in my life. Before I say anything, I’ve found that developing a system of logic that rationalizes your actions help tremendously. That way, people are judging facts and not you. How are they going to judge anything in good conscience if it’s as obvious as 2+2=4? It helps me, anyway. I struggled with the same thoughts in the same situation just before quarantine. And before that, and before that, etc. I can never know what to say or how to act without worrying over how weird I am or look when try to socialize. It just ends up making myself feel pathetic and stiff, not myself (but can I consider that myself when I’m never like that anymore?), and I’m left reeling from those failed encounters from as far back as 5 years ago. Just at random. Like, a memory will hit me like a truck out of the blue, and I’ll physically wince. So, I just learned to avoid it all together because it makes things worse, even when I want nothing more than to participate. I can be a stupid, ridiculous person, good naturedly of course, so I always have the same worries that people will think I’m being serious and believe I’m just that dumb. Doesn’t help that I look like someone who has the opposite of my personality. It hurts being something you’re not, but are, because you wouldn’t be you without feeling the need to act like you’re acting. (Clarification: I’m a Jack Sparrow fan). The only person I can consider a friend literally chased me down and hounded me for friendship until I accidentally let myself relax in front of her because she was always there and I forgot she would pay special attention to me. Eventually, I realized she liked my sense of humor, we shared the same moral views, and she feared false judgement as well, so I ended up adopting her. She understands and even puts up with my insecure phases, in which I avoid contacting her, because I moved away a while ago. Which aggravated every negative aspect of my life. My life would be indescribably tougher without her, and I can’t worry about bothering her when she worries about the same things as me, so I can only hope you have someone like her in your life. I relate to the smiling thing so much it hurts. My mouth stretches past my irises and it is the definition of ‘unsettling.’ I look psychotic when I’m genuinely excited over anything, so I try not to smile unless I’m going for manic mad scientist. I know I’m ugly, it’s a fact that doesn’t need to be discussed, and when other people ask me why I don’t do FaceTime, I avoid, deflect, or make a half-assed excuse, assuming anyone has to even contact me. Whispering hits home. Experience subconsciously dictates thinking that probably isn’t true at least a quarter of the time. Plus sighing. I can’t stand sighing; whenever someone sighs I automatically assume it’s annoyance directed towards me. All I feel I can do is wallow in internal shame. I also have some secrets surrounding myself that creep into my subconscious as shame and guilt. So I understand that too. I feel even more worthless over feeling worthless because of these same thoughts, so I just thought I’d let you know you aren’t defective or extraordinarily screwed up over nothing or weird and alone. People like myself experience varying levels of the same thing every day. I’m sorry for rambling so much if you decided to read all of this. I hope any of this helped. If it didn’t, I’m sorry and am glad you don’t know my face. Please don’t live in the US.
@@apple_piethief9750 Hey, many thanks because you wanna share these all. I've been in my worst time until now. But your explanations is reeeally eyes-opening and I know I still have hope. Thank you again my friend (^_^).
I'm the same. But humour has helped me to loosen up a bit. But I'm still far, faaaar away from cured.
In desperation I googled “being on a loss” and found a Benedictian monk. For decades he counseled people.: to get in touch with our very soul, to listen to ourselves. For community he talked about his experience of more than 50 years living in a monastery. Their founder Benedict created in the 6th. century a “rule” which they still follow. I have so severe problems in ALL my “close” relationships. This monk says, to get along with the most difficult “brothers”, they are asked to “stand” as well what we dislike. Uff, I had heard that in be-hated group therapy. I am 57 and willing to change for a “while. I learn that I suffered from a narcistic relation which came with triangulation and mobbing. Try and error becomes more difficult after the years. Thank you all, that I can leave my “ruminating” here in the comments. Wishing you all good luck. Happy 24 hours
Hey, i was this way. Have to talked to a counselor? It helped me, after learning how to work with my stuff and get to the point where (yes i still have qualms about my appearence) but i can be on cam and feel fine.....
Ok. now i'm 100% sure that google is spying on me like nobody's business.
yup - facebook, too. they write up a profile on you tailored ads.
I'm thinking the same thing 🤔
Same😒😒😒
Google has become my girlfriend. It knows me better than any real person. My porn habits, my disorders, my interests, everything.
it's not spying, it's machine learning
I have this disorder 100%, so much i wanted to leave without a single comment. Soo... i want to say that you're awesome and thank you for this direct and clear video, it helped.
This randomly popped up in my suggested videos - and it's literally talking about me. I've always felt that what I experience is not typical social anxiety. This explains it.
There are so many like minded people here. If we had to socialize with each other we'd probably be fine! It's tricky finding people who get you. How about an Avoidant Personality support group? Could be a game changer.
I know right!
There’s one on Facebook!
I’d Be Down For It !
Nah I’m gonner give it a miss 🤦🏽I think
interested too
I am 65 years old, and suffered from this most of my life....I am functional now, but I was kidnapped as a boy, and never trusted people after that....still struggle, but force my way through it...my wife and grown kids understand, and gently guide me back into society . And for the most part, have survived it...
I just wanna give u a hug. I'm really sorry that happened to you and so glad you found a circle of love ones to be surrounded with ♡♡♡
@@HousewifeInTheWoods thank you so much for the kind words.....God bless you!!!
Apparently some African children are kidnapped and pressed into an army and forced to kill and torture people or kept as sex slaves.
I remember in school I took a few psychology courses, and the teacher warned us that when studying mental / personality disorders the student always thinks they have what they are reading about. I have lived a solo life and I am OK with my decision. I genuinely enjoyed doing things alone, and found the solitude liberating. There have been very few people in my lifetime that when I was around them I became happier, or once they were gone I was craving being around them again. It was always once they were gone I was relieved, and began to view socializing as some facade, a fake face to put on depending on how the person you are talking to needs to see you. Honestly, it takes alot of introspection to understand our own personality and mind, let alone take on another person and unite with them. If you are more social so be it, to each their own. I just truly am a loner I think.
This resonated with me so much - almost every single point. And I've never heard of this description before. Thank you.
If my phone rings I get anxiety, especially if it's a family member that I dont normally communicate with. I know some people are annoyed by my " loving from a distance" method but I feel like I'm protecting the both of us from getting hurt in the long run. 😪
That's me. Most of the time I don't answer the phone. Even texting gives me anxiety. Been going to therapy, it helps some what
this is so incredibly relatable wow
The worst thing is when you're loving from afar and your loved one gets very sick, like terminally sick. It's a nightmare. If this person is a parent, you will probably be responsible for them. Even if you have a sibling or two...you will still be expected to help. Doctor appointments, hospital visits, and when they get more incapacitated as the illness gets worse, you will be expected to stay with them. If you don't, you will be judged. Then there's the end...traumatic, sad, heartbreaking, and you will be surrounded by others during this awful time. Avoiding it isn't an option.
I don't have a phone and I'm happier without it because no one can call Me 😊 No landline No Cell
Yes
I *LOVE* that she's a psychiatrist who often doesn't mention medication, at all 😇💕
She says personality disorders don*t respond to medication, clinical depression and anxiety disorders do...!
Because it is Personality Disorder. Not schizo, not Bipolar, nor clinical depression, etc.
@@Mor2gain_760 medication definitely helps the fallout(depression, anxiety) from personality disorders though. I’m definitely pro-medication when it comes to mental disorders period
@@billsimms2511 Many people with personality disorders find that they do not works but for a short high & only alter your thoughts & sleep & mental abilities & not in beneficial ways... Those are the people who hate mediation for the most part... I was on it for years, but it does not fix though patterns, I personality believe mediation is an expensive, yet easy way to neglect the real issues... If someone was being hit in the head everyday, by say... a low hanging lamp in their home and they just take headache mediation... How does that help ? How does that make sense ? I can identify with this metaphor because of the home entertainment I grew up in... I was the only one who was being put in counseling, when we all needed "therapy".... mediation will not help a situation & will not help thought patterns & processing... The side effects are often worse than the treatment... many people go down the path of finding the right mediation instead of the right ways to process their thinking or changing their situation... And for those who are suicidal, mediation in the home can easily open that option up easier and faster... Anyhow, everyone has their own opinions & I just don*t believe in mediation unless it is the only or last resort to get someone thinking better... bit it is still the "easy" way out & causes the wrong search for healing... In my opinion & experience...
@@Mor2gain_760 thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I am glad I found someone think the same way as me. I am the kind of person who, despite of some mental issues, will avoid medication or drug at all costs. Maybe because of the fear of new activities in the 7th trait mentioned above. Instead, 3 yrs ago, I chose practicing martial arts, even though It costs a lot, I believe it's more beneficial and less harm in the long run. And I am thankful I did. I still have negative thought pattern sometimes (like now, that's why i search for these youtube videos), even suicidal thoughts, but it's easier to control and bounce back since I built resilience. I never thought about seeing psychiatrist, but I am planning to do counseling soon, hopefully it could help me with managing the distorted belief about myself better. Thanks again for your perspective.
I watch your videos a lot. They have helped me identify areas which I have been struggling all my life which have turned out to be ADHD for which I am now awaiting treatment. So I’d first like to say thank you for this. What a world we live in that can allow us to help a perfect stranger who we have never and likely will never meet in the way that you have helped me. There are people all over the world, in their millions (It would seem) to whom you have had a marked positive and critical effect on their lives. I just wanted you to know this and thank you for pushing yourself to start creating these videos. But I started to comment on this video particularly because the advice that you gave at 9:41 regarding the type of people who would make an ideal partner for people suffering with avoidant personality disorder was so insightful. I don’t suffer with this as a disorder. However, I do have very strong avoidant qualities in relation to my ADHD and resultant anxiety and panic disorder and so when I heard this advice, I just found myself nodding along in recognition of the fact that not many people would know to point this out as being helpful, and perhaps think of it more as an enabling factor for an avoidant personality. As well as the fact that advice like this for people, suffering with something that is extremely difficult to articulate and get other people to understand the reality of it, it gives people a little bit more permission to be accepting of this part of themselves enough to allow them to put themselves in situations which works with the disorder, as opposed to against it or ironically avoid it. Essentially, I just found the advice to be incredibly validating.
I've just discovered Dr Marks videos & have to say how helpful I am finding them. Dr Marks really seems to get what goes on in sufferers heads - I feel blessed to have discovered her videos - thank you
Number 2 resonated with me because I can have a ton of friendly acquaintances and I can handle crowds and even public speaking. I panic when the emotional intimacy reaches close friend level. My avoidance personality tells me that as soon as I let people really get to know me, they'll reject me and use whatever they found out about me against me.
As someone who has had everything I've done wrong used against me countless times I just avoid making close friends. Everyone is kept at a distance. People think I'm a massive dick but in reality I just dont know how to get close to anyone anymore. After my failed marriage nothing has been the same.
Just go buy a bag of weed and literally don’t give a fuck what anyone says, from your perspectives every single thing happening in this universe is not as important as what you do. I had so much social anxiety but eventually I learnt people aren’t shit, most people are assholes and most are really fucking dumb, don’t let work or awkwardness stop you from doing things to make you comfortable. I’m so unfazed now I will gladly speak up about allot of things I wouldn’t have done before. Also who gives a actual fuck what people think of you, most won’t see you ever again in life or won’t remember your interactions with them unless they friends
@YAMBAG84 maybe therapists will disagree but it's not meant to be taken that literally. It's totally fine to keep people, even most people at arms length. As life goes on, you usually end up with a family and a couple close friends because they've survived your selection process. The problem with apd I suppose is that you're psychologically controlled by fear itself and you can't actually learn how to make these selective decisions because you can't exert your will so it acts effectively like a learning disability. Been having similar experiences myself since middle school, never dealt with it into my late 20s and now doing anything is a nightmare. Constant socialization and communication seems to become more and more imperative every day, resulting in widespread narcissism, resulting in more competition, etc. Covid was refreshing for me....
my family has always actually done this so its not too far fetched.
Because they WILL use what they know about you against you. Friends, family or peers will attempt to control you or get what they want through you by exploiting your vulnerabilities and traits. You are never safe around your fellow humans.
I feel real guilty all the time because I can't give people what they want which is me.
I feel the same way.
That's true! Never thought of that
At least they wanted you. Try always coming up short, never really being what anyone had in mind 46 I'm still single and sexless for more than half the time Not trying to one up you , haven't been wanted for a very long . A bit jealous if I'm honest
I also feel the same way😔😔
same 😬😬
I've come to enjoy my alone time. The peace and tranquility from removing the "noise" is utter bliss.
Silence is golden as they say :)
Thank you Dr. Marks for such an insightful video! I have been diagnosed with Avoidant Personality and all of this rings so true to me.
The trouble is, I have been mocked, bullied, and ostracized multiple times by multiple social groups/friend groups, over 3 decades since childhood. I can't break the cycle of avoiding people and being afraid of them and being around them, socially, despite being very lonely and wanting to be social/have friends, because my history proves avoiding them is the better and healthier policy for myself. :( I'm stuck.
Same here. I feel like trying to get too close to people will eventually end in some kind of disaster, as I have had mostly incredibly painful experiences involving people I got too close to before...
Me too.
Same
Im frequently alone, i dont have friends, becoz i feel like when they know all about me, they are going to.mock and.criticize me, usually i keep myself quiet and doesnt express myself conversationally yet still being notice in some forms of teasing and humuor.
Same. And once acquaintances, or guys in social groups like golf or poker, got to know me I was not liked. Was just unfortunately dealt a bad hand genetically. Spent my life trying to overcome it, with VERY limited success. Tried and tried and tried. Choosing to avoid, while sad and lonely, was and is preferable to being rejected.
this was like a gut punch. every place i've worked at, i worked hard at being invisible, which makes it easy to lay me off when times are tight. i usually scorn people who strive for limelight.
Sounds like a no win situation thinking that way 😕
@@lisajohnson6351 yeah...
I’m avoidant (intimacy, vulnerability, strong emotions) and an extrovert/in the limelight at work at the same time 😬
My major deal breaker is when relationship tends to limit my freedom. I walk away from people that threatens that. On the other side as another comment said, I need to learn to impose limits and boundaries and thats exhausting. Big point of attention is for me to not trespass other people boundaries. Still learning. Peace and growth for all.
The obsession with not setting boundaries is kind of the problem idk
I have social anxiety disorder, but I resonate with every word you said. I always tell myself I’m a bad communicator and that I can’t speak my thoughts, but my therapist says I speak my mind just fine, and can articulate my thoughts very well.
I always feel that because I have this, who will celebrate me at my funeral or life celebrations. I dont want to be lonely
Same, I’m afraid I’ll die alone and tbh I don’t even look forward being old and retirement.
Everyone dies alone, doesn't matter your relationships, when you die you do it alone.
NOOOOO YOU REALLY GOT TO MAKE ME THINKING SO HARD
How do attractive people become avoidant?
I always wonder this about my future wedding. Who would be my bridesmaids? Who would even marry me for that matter?
I’ve always had this belief that I have to master something before I do it with others because I could fail. This has always held me back from gaining new skills.
Ooo Wee, i can relate to that. Even though i overcame this (and i had almost all of 7 criteria, not anymore!), there is still some of it that remains.
But wait... You still can gain new skills unless it's a team game. But... There are some activities that requires another person. But you can still be prepared. Proper preparation prevents poor performance.
Insight is the biggest hurdle. Now that you jumped pass that here is the the last one: accept that failure is another way to learn. It doesn't mean that you're diminished by others.
This is how I feel playing guitar
Same..
This video is a blessing right now. Understanding is soothing to the soul.
Thank you so much for this video. I've only just discovered your channel. I'm approaching 70 and I'm only just beginning to learn about myself. You have shone a bright light into a dark area for me. Thank you.
I’ve never once heard a description of a disorder that resonated so well. I’ve always felt on the outside of friend groups, and when I tried to push myself to be more engaged, I would always feel so judged and perceived. I’ve had stomach problems my whole life related to anxiety and I’ve tried just relaxing, but I always feel like I have to be on edge, like a rabbit sensing whether there is a predator around, I’m not kidding. And I always feel like I want to be friends with people and have fun, but any time I’m actually there at a gathering, it feels so wrong, like I’m not meant to be there, and I have to think about everything I do or say because I’m worried someone will judge me or think I did something wrong. And even if I am doing that, constantly going over what I’m doing, there is always something that happens that I go over in my mind a hundred times after and when I get home because it wasn’t EXACTLY what I wanted to do/say in the moment. I feel lonely but simultaneously at ease when people leave me alone and don’t force me to talk or do things. I’m constantly at battle with myself on what I think will happen versus what actually happens. It’s exhausting, and it never happens when I’m home alone. I also have a HUGE problem with rejection sensitivity, even if there is no reason for anyone to be rejecting me, I have such a huge fear of people disproving me for my choices, anytime someone asks me about my life, like university, future jobs, interests, relationships, anything that makes me different from other people in some way, I start tearing up, everyone always assumes it’s because I’m sad about what I’m talking about, but truthfully it’s because I’m beyond terrified of that person I’m talking to, to say ANYTHING at all. Literally anything, positive or negative, because then they would be acknowledging me and my choice, good or bad, but the attention is on me and that is the worst part.
I can relate to this. For me it's just that I find myself extremely uninteresting as a person, that I always try to avoid talking about myself at any costs. Never had a really really close friend tbh... I liked a girl once (who I met in a online community) but she also had serious problems herself and was suicidal. She also liked another guy (who also had many problems), but I and her used to be very emotionally close as well. However, eventually she got kinda angry at me for not talking to her frequently, as I most times didn't have interesting topics to talk about, because my life is just sooo boring. Eventually we stopped talking to eachother and since then I have been extremely afraid of getting too close of people again (I also suffered a lot of bullying back in school).
Teared up a bit. I am feeling you a 100%. I have friends, many i would say, but the longer i have them the more weird i feel. They always seem like a group and i am the add-on. Like i am not fitting in.
Same
And yet, you open up and share your thoughts, risking the trolls of internet to judge you. I think that is quite brave.
Facts and when i do speak it always seems to be the wrong thing and i get reprimanded. Even if my intention was to be friendly. Sh*t makes u give up hope.
The thing I struggle with is getting a job. How can people with avoidant personality disorder go through job interviews if they fear criticism and rejection? I also suffer from depression, so even making the first step, i.e. applying for a job is very taxing. Then I go for the interview and there I feel extreme social anxiety. Will I ever overcome this? The worst part is that people think I'm lazy or less than them, and I end up believing them. My life is a self-hatred nightmare, why would I ever consciously choose this over getting a job like a normal person?
PuzzleMessage I completely understand. I feel like I might have avoidant personality disorder. Jobs are terrifying. I also have depression and anxiety. As well as an unspecified seizure disorder. I quit 3 jobs last year just because I couldn’t do it. I would sit in the car and just cry because I was scared to just be around people. When other people find out they got an interview they get excited, I have an anxiety attack. I hope that you are able to find a way to overcome this!
The mantra “assume positive intent” has been helping me.
@@brennalucas1302 thank you for sharing, good luck to you too!
Job interviews? You even afraid to work becouse of making mistake and being critisized or ashamed
Im in the exact same boat my family thinks im a loser and entitled but everytime i apply for a job i rarely get an interview and when i do i never get hired. Even if i get the job i feel like an alien, and my co-workers assume im an asshole.
I appreciate you Dr. Marks, rarely do I post comments on social media platforms, but this information moved me to respond. First, I would like to thank you for your research and bringing awareness to “Avoidance Personality Disorder,” as well as the treatment’s. I’ve been in a 17-year relationship with someone who suffers from this. My significant other does not have relationships with anyone. She has figured out clever ways not to have positive relationships with family and other. There is a consistent tendency to assume bad thing about peoples character when they have shown nothing to indicate negativity, all in an effort to justify not putting in the social work to connect. This has been one of the biggest challenges me lately, because I absolutely love people, and helping them. That’s how grandma raised me, it’s becoming increasingly more difficult to continue a relationship with this person. I’m grateful for the information, now I have a starting point on what I can do to deal with this. Thanks again, Dorian
I was diagnosed with this in my 20s but it started as a child. It's enraging, wanting to be social but not even being able to take the first step and introduce myself because of how much of a pathetic loser I feel like.
Oh yes. The frustration feels trapped within.
"it's the lowest hanging fruit that he'll ever have and he just can't reach for it. He already knows it will turn into a disaster that he won't be able to recover from emotionallly"
Get that mirror away from me!
The best part about COVID was having an excuse to stay home. I still use it and act more concerned than I am so that nobody will bother me
Lol
You and 10000 others whatever you're feeling you're not alone you're not the only one
Frfr
Yes 👍
LMFAO. me.
Thank you so much for this video. 💗 This is something I have been suffering from for years.
Yes. I always felt like there was something wrong with me. Like a deep seated belief that I was some lower level of person. However, I’ve always been picked apart. When I’m quiet people complain about me not saying anything. When I talk people are either criticizing what I’m saying or when I was younger I got made fun of for how I sounded. People would ignore WHAT I was saying and laugh at the sound of my voice.
I've become reclusive mostly because other people are disappointing. So many are so shallow.
Corinne Fitzpatrick exactly my feelings
Oddly though people are said to be shallow, but they're so complex at the same time! You never know what they're thinking or imagining. It just wears me out
Exactly.
Corinne Fitzpatrick make a pen pal overseas. Relearn the language you picked up in high school or college, if any. Or get out of the big city you live in. The smaller the hometown, lower income, the more humble a person can be.
Charles Lee Ray righto. Sad that I’m not even 40 and I clearly remember a time when people were more loyal, more honest, decent, more moral...
I 'handled' my problem by rarely speaking and showing no reaction to anything. I also put out an unfriendly vibe so that people would stay away from me. I had people tell me that they wish that they could be like me because nothing ever bothered me. Little did they know. :)
Haha 😁
@86sith That don't work for me unfortunately. I get unwelcome comebacks like "what side of the bed did you get out of?" Or "smile" in a bolshie or sacastic way. Totally annoying, and makes me frown more
I'd love to befriend any of you like minded people. My contact info is on my KZhead channel.....🥰
This is THE BEST video I've seen on APD. Only recently have I come to realize Cluster C fits me perfect.
Dr. Tracey, I am so glad I found your channel. You absolutely rock! Thank you, I am learning so much from watching you.