Why Fearful-Avoidants Struggle To Move On (And What To Do About It)

Being perceived as someone that is really open by others while fully knowing that you only share things that you already know how to contain and never sharing anything that feels truly vulnerable is such an isolating thing because people don't know that there's this whole hidden side. Being fearful avoidant it's a special kind of hell.

This is so so so on point. Very affirming. I never knew how to put that in words but people find me very warm and “emotional” and im very comfortable talking about vulnerable things but it’s NEVER the stuff I’m still struggling with, it’s stuff I’ve already processed and overcome.

The part about leaving while still in love and then struggling to scrape myself off the proverbial bathroom floor, hit home really hard.

Not "leaving while you're in love" is a game-changer for me. Thank you.

Lots of fearful avoidants also project their fears even if theyre not always the full picture and run away from doing the real communication work necessary for many relationships esp when there is true love there

EVERY time I think “this video isn’t really about me but I’ll watch anyway because I know I’ll learn something “ -- its always about me. I don’t know if I can thank you enough Heidi Priebe. ❤

One of my biggest problems, is that I don't have any friend who can help me make a decision when I'm disorientated between my thoughts and feelings. All they ever say is "block him!" and blame EVERYTHING on the man. It doesn't help me whatsiever and has caused me to shut down even more.

This is the best video on FAs that I’ve seen on KZhead, and I’ve watched literally hundreds of them. Thank you, Heidi.

Holy cow, multiple times in this video where my jaw dropped because it was the first time anyone had ever put to words experiences i've had and feelings i've felt. Particularly when you mentioned the disgust response, I've experienced that with all of the (very few) partners I've had and could never understand why. To jump from fawning to literal disgust within seconds is an absolutely bizarre experience. It's also particularly relevant as last year, my ex abrubtly ended our relationship by telling me he had to move because of work/home reasons as well issues with his citizenship. At the time even though I was heartbroken, I was in the middle of a disgust response and that lead me to feel a sense of relief about our relationship ending. I don't know if I'd say it made the grieving process easier, but it definitely made it a bit shorter than my usual. Anyways, an entire year goes by and I haven't heard from him at all, I had actually had him blocked on all social media as after our relationship ended, at some point the narrative i told myself about the relationship and the break up turned into a villain/victim narrative with me being the victim. I get a text out of the blue from him about 2 weeks ago, it's the sweetest, kindest text I've ever recieved. he told me he misses me and thinks of me every day, he still loves me, he hopes im surrounded by people who love me and happy, it was genuinely so kind and didn't have any hint of romance or flirtiness to it at all, just mature kindness. but it suddenly brought back all my feelings of heartbreak and loss that i felt the day he told me he was leaving. I suddenly believed that I was still in love with him and started a limerance fantasy with him in my head where im fanatasizing about him coming back constantly. It's so hard to discern between what is true genuine emotion and what is just my attachment style acting up.

I broke up with my ex 6 months ago. At the point of making the decision I was certainly perceiving our relationship as a burden and a limit to experiencing other things in life. 2 weeks passed and I was already missing her and trying to find ways to get her back. 3-4-5 months passed and whenever I would get into a bit emotionally more anxious state I would immediately badly miss her. And this certainly switches around - sometimes I am like I am fully over her, don't miss her at all and sometimes I am like "she is so fucking attractive" "I miss her so much" "I really want the comfort which she was giving me". I am certainly not 100% over her. And at the same time I can see that she is actually doing better then before or at least claims that - even though she was the one behaving anxiously before we broke up. So yeah, I left while I was in love with her, I was just deactivated because of all of the pressure. For the last year I have been working hard to expand the number of people who I feel comfortable with asking for deep emotional support. But as you said, reaching deep down and showing those parts of myself which I am not comfortable with is hard.

I just ended a relationship where I was still "in love" and it's some of the most confusing emotional turmoil I've ever been in. The cycle of "Was I the bad guy? Am I overreacting? They didn't do anything malicious so why am I running?" to "I was unhappy everytime I was with them. I was hurting and they never did anything to help. None of my friends brought out the worst in me like they did."... it's exhausting. Somedays it really does feel like I'm gaslighting myself, and the other days I just know myself to be a coward. I don't want to blame them. I don't. It feels like my fault because I never spoke up about my needs or when they intruded upon my boundaries in a way that made me feel unsafe... so can I blame them for hurting me? I brought this upon myself, and now I'm running, and I'm still eaten by this guilt that I'm a horrible person. By fleeing the relationship without saying anything, they probably hate me by now. If they don't, they should. They didn't love me back, and when I realized how much I was romantically obsessed with them and that nothing could become of it, I panicked. I was so sure leaving the friendship was the best for us both. They don't need someone who thinks of them completely idealized, and I can't have someone who fuels my idealization. It made so much sense to leave. Even now, I don't want to go back, I probably won't. I miss them, and I hope they miss me too, but we were both so incompatible, and the contempt was building for so long, what's the point of trying to fix what we had when it wasn't even worth it in the first place? What I did was beyond fucked up, I'll live with the regret and try to heal, and most of all, more than I miss them, I hope it doesn't hurt them to think of me as much as it hurts me to think of them.

All your fearful avoidant videos are brilliant Heidi, but this one is just incredibly helpful. Kinda makes me wanna cry when I think what a difference they would have made in my life 20, 10, or even 2 years ago. Your explanations are so clear and self-evidently true that they’ve given me the first enthusiastic hope that I’ve ever had that I might actually figure out how to have a non-torturous relationship before I die! So grateful 💔

Wow... this is one of the most compassionate ways someone has described what it's like to be a fearful-avoidant. Usually, all I get is hate and judgment for being flaky, indecisive, hot and cold, chaotic, heartless, mean, etc... Used to make me feel very ashamed of myself because deep down all I really want is to be kind and compassionate to people. I'm learning to shed the shame now in my late 30's. It's so fricking hard. From what I understand, the best way out is to build a really healthy foundation of self-trust. Just got to keep on working at it!

Dear Heidi, I have been reading about trauma and healing for 8 years now (I'm 26). Self help has been a huge part of my life, mostly trying to find out in "what's wrong with me" and trying to heal myself in private - so I could finally go out into the world and be "like everyone else". I cannot thank you enough for bringing a whole other level of clarity and coherence to the emotional / relational area of my life. Your videos give me a concrete framework of the emotional landscape - and they enable me to take concrete steps towards healing. While most other sources on these topics are just wishy washy. Thank you for the gift you are bringing to the world, by combining your sharp intellect and logical intelligence with the world of emotion. You are helping me (and lots of people obviously) in a significant way. Best regards David

What an amazing video!!! 😮 this just means that the FA who leave the relationship while still in love, never get over the relationship, even if they enter and exist a new relationship once in 5 or 10 years. If you havent gotten over the previous romantic relationship, you have just forgotten about it, while falling in love with a new person, which is actually a coping strategy in order to stay away from the deep unresolved pain from the first relationship! Its like loving the new person only because they offer that much of an effective distraction from true emotions and true emotional pain still present. Mind blowing 🎉

You don't fall out of love. Love doesn't just go away. It's an active choice to no longer love someone. It's not a feeling you just let go of.

The internet always “anxious/ avoidant” making me think I’m anxious but I knew it wasn’t right. Your descriptions are crazy, you’re not annoying to listen to at all and have articulated what I go through as fearful avoidant. I’ve always said things like “I am everything and it’s opposite”; “I regret it all and I don’t regret any of it”; “I trust everyone and no one” (In the moment I trust, when I think about it after I don’t.” Thank you so much. This All makes so much sense. And you’re 10 signs you might be fearful avoidant. It all lines up - a couple points are defiantly subconscious and will take some acknowledgment. The yo-yo-ing is destabilising torture. Thank you

TIL I'm a fearful avoidant. I felt so understood. You did a great job of explaining, Heidi. You have a gift.

@11:48 , yes. With my ex, I felt NOTHING for months after I broke up with him and then it all hit me like a tsunami 5 months later and i was devastated and reached out to him and we actually tried to be together again because my grief was so intense I 100% believed I made a mistake, and then after a month I called it off again bc nothing had changed. It took me about 4 years to really feel over it and then I entered another toxic relationship and a year later here we are, trying to leave that, terrified I’m going to deal with the despair and grief all over again. Thankfully I’ve been in an adult children of alcoholics group for a while now and I have them as a support system.

FA ex would say she was breaking up basically every conflict, which traumatized me as an anxious person. She finally is serious this time. And acting as if she’s moved on in a week.. and thats why these videos are so important. It helped me step back and take it less personal! It’s very comforting to watch although i am figuring out what she touched on about not avoiding pain. Definitely a great video and i see comment after comment agreeing

This is what happened to me when I lost my husband of 20 years. I had nowhere to turn for help or processing. I had to protect myself and my vulnerabilities from those around me. He was the one I leaned on in my life. His loss has been devastating.

Thank you for explaining attachment theory in a practical manner! I am constantly triggered by your videos, but I take that as a good thing, it means there is something to learn (or re-learn) and in order to do that, I need to sit with some “uncomfortable” emotions. Here’s to working on ourselves and hoping we can be more securely attached every day. We all deserve to live in peace with ourselves and others.

This is probably the most accurate explanation about FAs, I’m anxious but you gave clarity about what the person who left me was going through. I wish him well but I’m not gonna go back to to him. I can’t save him I hope he can save himself I’m still working on myself to become secure and that is not be attracted to people with insecure attachment. Thank you for this. You’re the best

can you imagine the confusion trying to figure out what the right story is after a psychologically abusive relationship? distressing for anyone, but mindblowingly so for an FA.

I love how you speak to fearful avoidant attachment without shame. I feel so open to your message knowing I can put my guard down and listen to where this lands. Thank you for the guiding light into some confusing dark places with such Love ♥️🌞🎶

Thank you for this content and the clear and compassionate way you articulate it from a feaful-avodant perspective which is often (I feel !) overlooked.

As a FA while my ex was also an avoidant… makes sense why this man still lives in my head rent free. He’s already tried to reach out to see me when he told me he got spooked for how things happened so fast… even tho I never even opened up to him due to many fears I have, & now I’m spooked about even getting into any relationship at this point.

I'm a recovering FA and have been on my healing journey for 4 years and this content is excellent. Well done. This was also terrific validation to why I've ended my recent relationship. I spent a year trying (as a much more secure person) trying to make it work with good boundaries, asking for what i needed, trying to communicate through conflict, etc. And the person whose also FA could not show up and was very volatile. I literally tried all my tools. It's nice to recognize the secure version of myself and i appreciate the validation in how i showed up and why this departure feels different. I was out of love when i left and that's very different then I've ever felt before. Thank you Heidi. Well done!🎉

I feel this so strongly. People think they’ve gotten really close to me but I think they come to realize they never knew anything about me at all. In a weird way I never tell anything about me.

❤❤❤ Heidi thank you … finally at 61 and 3 long term relationships I feel i have a roadmap to heal thanks so much

Ughhhh this sounds just like me. I think I really blew my last relationship because I ended it abruptly after asking for space because I didn't know how to respond during a conflict, process the conversation and decide how to move forward. I feel like shit

So accurate. I watched this 9 months ago (i see my old comment) and I’m back again lol - leaving a relationship while I’m still in love is something I do constantly and it’s the absolute most painful thing. Now that I’m conscious of it, I try to wait until the love is gone, but staying is so utterly, excruciatingly painful when I’m not feeling secure in a relationship

Exactly for me…I can’t believe how dead-on this is. I’m sad that the journey is such a long one and I’m where I am at 64 years old. Wish my younger self would have known this before I walked out (ran out) of a 15 year marriage where it turned out I was still in love, but deactivated. I’m ok, though afraid to be truly myself in recent relationships (all failed ones) but 14 years later, I still feel the grief of that major loss.

The more I’m learning the more I think my entire family is fearful avoidant. It makes it feel impossible to have a deep connection with anyone. People who open up to me too fast tend to freak me out and scare me off. I’ve found I have a slightly easier time building a little deeper connections with new people but I also just don’t have time and room in my life to go out and make new friends or meet people.

wow! what a beautiful video. This description my partner but in a loving and supportive way. I see the beauty in my wife and am so grateful to have access to the wisdom like in this video to shine light. With this awareness can come change. I know her path will be difficult and all the other videos just say to walk away they are toxic but i can’t do that. I need to cultivate safety within myself and allow her time to grow into the beautiful woman i know she is capable and so deeply wanting to grow into. I love my wife and i will not give up on her.

I like the line of thinking where people say it is darkest before the dawn. You don't realize how far you've come in the journey, so you feel like it will go forever, but really because you are where you are, it really is almost over. The feeling that I'm working on it is taking me farther from the shore of my security, it makes me panic, but that is how I know I am healing. The absurdity in that panic is laughable now that I see it, but it makes me cry because that panic has ruined aspects of my life I didn't want to lose for all the world. But the sun does rise.

this is exactly me :'( I was raised by a father with NPD and a narcissistic mother. this is so pervasive in my life I can't even comprehend it. it has been my whole life since the beginning. thank you so much for bringing light to avoidant attachment style, you have truly opened up my eyes

Omg. I have never heard it put quite like this in a way i can digest it : insecure attachment styles are a way to avoid pain and pain is the pathway to healing. Wow. Thank you so much, Heidi ❤

Heidi, I feel heard. I feel forgiving and compassionate towards myself, because I went through all the painful turmoil you explained - word for word. For anyone reading this, I cannot stress enough how "feeling the pain" is so helpful in taking the first step out and forward. Also, you are probably the first person to verbalize "breaking up while still being in love", atleast for me. This made me empathise with (and legitimise?) how difficult my heartbreak was for me. ♥♥

Oh my goddddd I wanted to watch this for the “leaving while still in love” tidbit not really knowing if it would describe me but that section about disorientation hit the nail on the head😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

I'm 50 now and I had my first relationship in my lifetime where I actually experienced love. I completely self destructed over why I had to break up with her a year ago (I felt utterly detached from myself). Thank you so so much for this guidance!

I CANNOT explain how MUCH I needed this video today. It doesn’t solve much but I have never felt more understood

Being in a relationship with a narcissist or somebody with Borderline will make you feel like a fearful avoidant during/after the relationship. Even when you may have been securely attached in other relationships.

The first time I actually tried being more open with someone, they used me in a way that made my fearful avoidance so much worse. I then met someone that I clicked with so well but naturally I dipped and regretted it so bad. I tried reaching out a couple months later but the damage was done. It took me so long to get over what I did and I still think about them every now and then esp when I’m rather sad lol. I never knew these feelings were an actual thing until a couple months ago. It’s nice to know I’m not the only person like this.

this has me in tears, because it explains everything between my ex and I. It was truly the most intensely passionate as well as toxic relationship i’ve ever experienced, on and off for almost three years. every single point you made described us, ALL of it.

Heidi, this is earth-shatteringly eye-opening for me. I just wish my younger self had access to all this rich psychological content available today. I suffered so much alone on my fearful avoidant island not understanding a blessed thing about myself and my behavior. 😊

My ex avoidant said I was too demanding when I asked him at 6'4'' to reach something on a high shelf. When he stomped his feet like a child, I realised what a lost cause the relationship had become. Fair to say, I use a step now to reach whatever I need and I don't have a 6'4'' useless individual taking up space in MY home!

A fearful-avoidant going through a breakup here. God can't wait for it to suck less

Can't deny a single thing in this video. Thank you so much. You are enlightening and you are saving lives Heidi ❤

As a FA, I completely experienced #2. I asked him to move out. I’m now working on myself while we’re working on our relationship. He, not surprisingly, has issues with alcohol abuse, and I’m figuring out where my boundaries lie with that.

I'm convinced that this is what's happening to my (ex) girlfriend. The constant switch between activated and deactivated makes me nauseous. Hope she's going to figure herself out sometime soon...

I relate to this HARD. Now that I understand boundaries and that I had a huge aversion to conflict I'm wondering a bit what could have happened in my major partnerships in the past if I'd known to work on these things. Every time I've left a major relationship I've still loved the person very much. I put a lot of pressure on myself to not go back on that choice because I don't want to jerk the person around but I have definitely gone back at least once every time wondering if I could have worked it out with the person.

INFP male in my 40s. Being misunderstood has been my reality for years and finding people who do accept me as I am has been unbelievably challenging. I seem to keep gravitating towards people who want to either fix me or save me. They basically wish I was more exciting and extroverted and also want to jump in and fight my battles for me when I face difficulties with others. I would admit it most likely is the very reserved and conservative energy that I emanate but in truth I really don't need saving or fixing and on the inside I am actually quite content with the person I am but it's still difficult when I become attached to people who are more about tolerance than acceptance.

This is the third time i watch this video. I think this is the norm for me. Almost all my relationships ended when i still had feelings for the person. But the relationship was either toxic or so full of problems that we simply could not go on. Now i have a normal relationship with a secure person and I feel like i could stay with him forever, i could marry him... and I'm afraid about him leaving me or stopping loving me. That scares me way more than problems cause if it ends because of problems, then it's not my fault, then it's not me being unlovable. I think I chose the most difficult situations (people with alcohol/drug issues, people with severe mental illness) to protect myself from this... I chose relationships that were doomed from the beginning because I was so afraid to discover that i was unlovable, that i wanted to have another reason to get out

Wow! You named it. I left my relationship when I was still in love but could no longer tolerate the chaos and dysfunction . He had an AP attachment style and I’m FA. I didn’t set good boundaries and he didn’t respect them. It was a recipe for disaster.

I wrote in my journal "why can’t I just let go?" and then this video popped up. Cried the whole way through. Thank you for these insights.

Bloody hell (pardon my French). Years of therapy and self analysis including some truly excellent somatic processing in the past two years, but this explanation was spot on. Hadn’t labelled myself “fearful avoidant” yet but this explains pretty much my entire relationship history. Haven’t been able to leave my neglectful marriage, even while I bonded with somebody else after separation who actually took care of me and ticked all the boxes. I just keep going back because of the acute disorientation and enmeshment Heidi speaks of. Wish me luck, good luck to all my fellow fearful avoidants and heartfelt thanks to Heidi!

It's not a romantic relationship that struggle with but my adult son. (We have no other relatives. ) However all the same dynamics are in play. We are both fearful avoidant and experts at playing the drama triangle. I'm working really hard to developed some health in this relationship. Having to look at my behaviour as a parent, see the damage, experience the pain and forgive myself then try to change and heal feelslike an agonising slow process. My therapist assures me I am moving mountains 😁. Thank you for your compassionate style and language of explaining my world to me. 🙏 In my healing journey I Ilisten to you rpodcasts 4 times a week and discuss with my therapist😇 As I grow and understand I model and talk about the things I am learning. I live in a small town and see the changes in me making change in my community all the way down under in NZ. Thank you Heidi.

I watched dozens and dozens of other videos, trying to understand these attachment styles, and understand what it all means and you’re the only person so far that’s been able to spell it out and make me get it. Edit: I just found this comment that I left within the last 4 months. I find it very interesting that KZhead lists the original comment was left nine months ago. I didn’t even know my ex girlfriend 9 months ago!

I hope my fearful avoidant ex has a looong sweet time trying to get over me. The way avoidants hurt well-meaning love interests is abhorrent. I was crying every time my new man showed me kindness because I had to beg for it before and live off empty promises.

Heidi, you are so brilliant explaining these ideas. It is uncanny that the past few videos have directly applied to me in the present moment, and each has helped me process my current situation. I have opened up to only two people (in 50 yrs). One passed away, and one recently betrayed me. Unfortunately, that person represented too many things, so yes, the loss feels magnified. Thankfully, I have an excellent therapist and your videos to help me process. You are a gift! Seriously, I have even journaled my reactions to your videos. They have really helped tremendously! ❤ I told my psychiatrist to watch them and she is going to use them as a resource for her patients. 😊

You are incredible. This is your gift. I so relate to all this. My 12 Step group for addiction has actually been helping with this. Your explanations make me aware of this. I like how there is no shame in this, and that there's hope to heal. All i know is I've done yoga and meditation, but have only seen results with the 12 Steps. Looks like they help heal attachment wounds, which i never would have guessed. Yet, at the same time, i am needing more help, and this is framing where i need to get conscious. Thank you

Thank you for putting this video out! So helpful for me! 💖

Yet another amazing video! I’m in awe of how applicable and relatable Heidi’s content is.

Thank you for this Heidi, for the last 4 months I’ve been trying to understand myself and my attachment style couple with many other trauma triggers I have. Started from the person I was with for 3 years and finally noticed why we keep repeating this anxious/avoidant attachment dance. This opened my eyes more about what she is going through.

Thank you! This is illuminating 💚

I believe my (ex?) girlfriend is FA. She caught COVID and we didn't really see each other for a few weeks. When we could finally get back together she finally followed through on breaking up, even though she's completely in love with me. I treat her so well. We co-regulate so well. I'm so in love with her. She wants to break up because she wants space and I'm telling her ok let's have a little more space. She says "healthy couples don't want space", I say "yes, they completely do". She's breaking up with me and it's devastating for both of us and I've tried so hard to tell her it's the wrong decision. That each of us can heal our attachment challenges within a relationship with space instead of breaking up. But she is convinced she cannot have time to devote herself to personal growth and building a life she wants while in a relationship. So if she breaks up with me and suddenly has a ton of time to herself, she'll find herslef believing she was right all along. I'm so sad to think of her repeating this process again and again. I love her unconditionally. I see her inner child desperately searching for some sense of order but not knowing what order looks like even though it's staring her right in the face. All I want is to be her rock. IT would be so much easier if the relationship was toxic but our time together is wonderful. Thank you for these videos. They are really helping me make sense of this all and approach her and myself with compassion and radical acceptance. She is convinced she'll fuck up and alienate every relationship she ever has but I'm gonna blow a hole in that belief shen I tell her no matter what she does and what becomes of us, I'll never hate her, I'll always love her, and she didn't fuck up anything. Take *that*, harmful narrative! 😈

This was SOOO AMAZINGLY HELPFUL for me atm ❤THANK YOU 🙏😌💕

This was amazing! Thank you so much! I have read and listened to so much about being a FA but you hit the nail on the head with all 5 points. Thank you ❤

Oh my gosh. I have been in therapy for five years & didn’t understand why I was always looking for the how & why of my past breakup. I couldn’t compartmentalization it into he was bad because one day I would feel so much guilt & shame & then the next day I would be like well no, because x,y & z. I need to integrate it all. Thank you!!

Wow, this explains everything about a breakup that I can’t get over years later. I usually feel so hopeless about my attachment issues but this made me feel hopeful - thank you. (I just wish I could go back in time and employ all of these tools then!)

The sense of ease that washes over me after listening to your FA videos is truly a gift, thank you for sharing this incredibly valuable information and lived experience in such a meaningful, sincere way. Having more understanding around the ricochet experience and why I sometimes don’t have access to feelings I know I’ve felt so deeply before relieves so much pressure and will help curb my propensity for self shaming. It’s been 10 months since my long term relationship ended and your insight is helping me make sense of why it’s felt wildly painful, confusing and exhausting. Thank you for offering these really helpful, constructive steps towards living a more securely attached life. I’m so so so grateful to you Heidi.

Ive not experienced the disgust response thougj i know what you are talking about. Its not disgust for me. Its feeling overburdened like there is no way i can provide for the needs that this person is asking me for. Its more like helpless despair and just detaching because i know i cant do it.

This was incredibly accurate for me. Ive been aware of myself as a fearful avoidant and consciously doing a lot of healing work in the last few months and if i had seen this video a few months before I would have been BLOWN away and assumed you were talking about me specifically. This is so helpful, thank you so much! 💗

Wow!! Exactly what I've been experiencing. Thankyou for the clarity

Heidi, you are seriously amazing. Really. I've been looking gor answers for years. I'm 32, been dating since I was 19, and have never had a long lasting relationship. I've been to therapy throughout those years, and am pretty aware of the pattern, but I've never heard anyone explain fearful avoidant as accurately and as in detail as you do while also giving the best advice. I know ther's still a long way to go, but your videos are giving me a lot of hope. Thank you so much❤

I think you just explained so much about myself to me. Thank you so much.

You do an excellent job of walking through these emotional mechanics. This was very helpful understanding my previous partner and building insight and compassion for their experience. Thank you.

Your last couple of videos have really hit the mark. Thank you and well done!

I love watching your videos, I find your voice and way of explaining things very calming. It’s amazing how you structure the content, it makes it easy to follow and to understand. You can be really proud of yourself! Also thank you so so much for putting words onto how I’m experiencing life, it actually sometimes made me laugh how accurate you described it and how relieved and happy I felt to finally have found the right words for it

That all felt incredibly close to home and very helpful as a clear and structured explanation for things that I've struggled to make complete sense of

….. only thing this video lacks is a mic-drop at the end. You are a true gem Heidi, absolutely crying my eyes out listening to this. ❤️

AGHH!! amazing. crying a lot, don’t have the words, just mind blowing. I watch your videos on this topic every now and then, and they hit, but sometimes, like now, they hit REALLY HARD. It is what I need to hear, I feel courage, and throughout this video I’ve felt a reconnection with my real pain, leaving the various narratives I came into this video with behind me for now. I’ve been in a very deactivated state for a few weeks now, and considering leaving my relationship, secretly already knowing I’ll regret it and miss her if I do. Feeling incredibly stuck. With these harsh structures in my mind, I’m not easily convinced, but I have again and am leaving this video with a little more hope.

That was INCREDIBLE FOR ME. Thank you Heidi ❤

Your videos are so helpful & clear, thank you!

Heidi! From the deepest part parts of my heart I say THANK YOU! ❤ This one video gave me so much clarity as to why I was feeling so in and out with my most recent partner. Knowing I truly loved her, recognizing some distrust I had toward her revolving around finances and the amount of affection shown toward me. The toxic shame and unconscious pushing away I did based on differences in culture and physical appearances… I now see a large portion of the dysfunction in our relationship (on my side) has steered from my family enmeshment traumas and not knowing how to truly set boundaries for myself and the toxic shame of wanting to be my own individual with my own preferences but it being shut down by my caretakers both overtly and subtly. I love your videos even though they can be tough pills to swallow at times; but, they help those of us who need to see the unseen dark spots of our own psyche. Much love and success to yo!🌹 Looking forward to seeing the video on enmeshment in romantic relationships 🙂

I started following you due to MBTI & I'm thrilled what you are sharing these days. It's extremely important.

Wow this helped me in so many ways. I tend to gas light myself a lot, it's exhausting being so back and forth. I really do want to change and heal this pattern from childhood. A month ago I went through my breakup, and I'm finding it hard to get over him. He was the person I have been the most vulnerable with, and I miss how he could emotionally regulate me. When he triggered me the only way I knew how to regulate myself was to go into a meltdown. It's truly exhausting staying this way. I did abruptly leave to, but he couldn't say he loved me back. That really broke me because I was still in love, so I ran before he could. He's a dismissive avoidant. I think why I didn't stay consistent with my boundaries was because I understood the avoidant side to things and I let a lot of shit slide that was straight up disrespectful. Anyways this insight helps.

thank you sm. these videos have helped me so much over the past 8 months. you have no idea 😞. from botswana !! :)))

Such a wonderful video. Thank you!

This was so helpful exactly today. thank you so much

Every video that I watch with you Heidi about FA, makes me feel so seen. 🥺Thank you Heidi! You’re the person that has helped me the most. You have so much insight and grace, as a FA your content has helped me so much.

Easily one of your best videos yet. Thank you!

27:11 clean pain from breakups when securely attached. Wow. Clean pain because of understanding. Mind blowing

Heidi, thank you for your deep analysis on these subjects. I'm learning so much

This video gave me the clarity and peace I’ve been craving for months. I now understand myself better after my first breakup. Thank you.

This entire video describes me to a T. Your channel is one of the best around and I have learned so much from it over the past several months. Thank you.

Wow! Simply amazed by how much you can express the way we are feeling things in a way that is way more organized than our thoughts. I'm feeling so undertood and happy to clarify the events. This wasn't simply "another video", that was a huge lesson! Thanks a lot for sharing those points of view.

This was so helpful and confirmed I’m on the right path to healing. Thank you!!

you really are astonishing, Heidi. you should get the nobel prize for psychology. this is all very enlightening, sadly only with respect to my past, but that's certainly something! and you're probably helping a lot of lucky people who are learning from you when they need it most in their life.