Why narcissists target "open" people
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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Narcissists are predators. They have an amazing ability to key in on traits that they can exploit.
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I have a lot of family with various narcissistic characteristics but I don’t feel they each have enough (except one maybe) to get an actual diagnosis. It’s so chilling when you notice some of the most predatory ones like this one in a person (they live far away so i only see them once a very few years and it takes a while)
Excellently stated 💯👏🏻💯👏🏻💯
Exactly. Everything is viewed, studied and put into action to feel worthy. Anything to not feel less. They have less brain gray matter due to their abuse. The gray matter is the empathy etc… They never felt compassion as a child therefore they are unable to feel it as an adult for another. They are older children who feel worthless and live to feel like someone very worthy. When you don’t have it you can’t share it. They chase their supply/good feeling of worth like a crack head chases his first crack high. It isn’t there for them cause it is dependent on the approval of others, not from within. If coming from within like healthy people it’s there 100% of the time. But relying on others it comes and goes so they chase it. They can’t be happy. They are the only disorder that can’t helped. Can’t help someone who doesn’t see themselves as unhealthy. I say ok suffer and die.
My vulnerability is a gift. I will never let the narcissist take it away from me. I’ll just be careful with who I give it to.
Me too
No matter how careful and cautious you are, the narcissists will still find a way to get you. Being in a society with tons of enablers makes it all easier for narcissists to prey on us.
@@izzylandyt Very, very true! I regret my decision to remain vulnerable every single time I interact with people other than my husband and daughter, but still make the same conscious choice again every time because 1. It's the right thing to do 2. It makes my life reacher in emotional experiences, even if a higher proportion of them affect me negatively 3. My choice may cause one person to slightly change one future interaction with another human being, and that might make the experience slightly less horrible 4. Rings in water. That is the one way I know that I can improve the world for all future generations
Yes! Well said, and I agree!
@@izzylandyt Narcissists only have power over us if we give it to them.
Open people are likely to give a narcissist lots of information that could be used as a weapon by misrepresenting that information to someone else later.
This 😢
Don't let the ugly in other kill the beauty in you 🙏 you look beautiful by way Dr. Ramani ❤
My narc mother brought me up to be "open", "honest" and "agreeable" and it destroyed my life. I could never understand WHY I was ALWAYS a target of bullying and the fall guy. I was never taught to keep the vulnerable parts of myself back from people which meant I was always the target for exploitation. This has also meant I don't have the tools to protect myself in organisations where politics is the way to get ahead and in life in general. We are brought up to be repeatedly destroyed.
I could have written these words myself!!!! Thank you for sharing!!
Your comment just gave me a whole new perspective on what's been going on with me. Thank you. Sorry to hear you're going through it too though.
You live in a sick society.
Yes these narc parents "raise" their Scapegoat child to self sabotage and to be easy prey for predators. Because the narc parent (usually the mother) does NOT want that child (usually a daughter) to outshine her in any way or to make her look like the liar she truly is!!!
A narcissist may tell you that you need to be more open or flexible, as they try to manipulate and gaslight you. I was like this as well, but I’ve learned to pay attention to my gut instinct and it lets me know when I need to pull back on that openness. It makes me sad because I used to be excited about meeting new people.
Always trust your gut. Don't disregard your brain and heart but always trust your gut over the other two.
Reminds me of the snake in Jungle Book going “truuuust in meeeee”
Yes, this happened to me too. They push and manipulate way past comfortable boundaries. I learned to be very careful if I opened a door a little, they’d push the door wide open and never let it close again, no matter your feelings.
I can relate to this. I've always been more open minded and curious though. After going through a few relationships with narcissists, I feel a bit closed off emotionally but still open minded and tolerant of differences in people. I love beauty and art. My heart is still pure...even after everything I've been through. I've learned to be more self reliant and self loving. That's the good that came out of it, and my daughters. I love my kids. I'm grateful that they're grown though, and I don't have to deal with their fathers.
It totally sucks to be in your position! Your brain is just trying to keep you alive, but it sucks so much joy out life
Open, creative, sensitive, emotional...i used to feel bad about my qualities- now, i cherish these traits.
Always been an open book, agreeable, flexible. accommodating peacemaker. I am that tree hugger, nature lover that can literally feel energy. EVERYTHING in my gut told me upfront that something doesn't vibe right, but yet he somehow managed to talk me into bypassing all rational and gut "feels". Got sucked in because he had "been through so much" (or so I was told and that was a lie). Being an empath is a gift. I will never stop being that person, but also, PLEASE know that openness & empathy make you the ultimate supreme target lock down for a narcissist. If your gut/vibes/spidey senses/rationale say "RUN", for the love of YOURSELF, listen and RUN! Don't waste your life on a "masked-man" (woman) that isn't and will never be real, open or honest.
You are, in my opinion, a super empath! I resonate with all you say! Being so open, reading between the bs, yet letting things run ‘3 strikes’ and then I speak mind! My pride has also been ‘my downfall’ but I stand by ‘being real’, honest and high,y empathetic! At my mature age, I’m still learning but I am dealing with the biggest challenge yet! It’s cost me everything and almost my sanity AND it seems Narcissists can be complete strangers, who want your ‘power’… and when challenged seek revenge on a grand scale! I WILL NEVER LET THEM PUT ME IN A CORNER! Positive is… I now understand why I am the magnet, and it’s a ‘lonely’ (being misunderstood) place sometimes!
Yes. Trust your instincts, they are a survival mechanism. If your situation feels like something you'd expect to see in the backstory segment of a 48 Hours episode, your pattern recognition system is telling you now is the time for the trespass/TRO if you don't think you can safely escape by breaking off relations in person. However you do it, get help and get out.
@@jacquib256 no doubt I will be ascending into the "lose everything at a seasoned age" scenario. A lot of effort and years of hard work down the drain. That being said, what is the value of my health, my sanity? Priceless, and irreplaceable. The "education" that comes the hard way from living many years with a narcissist costs much. Dr Ramani's videos are battle reinforcements that educate folks on how to never let one side-wind up on us again. Thank you Dr Ramani!
@@CatBites20 I’m so relieved to have found Dr Ramani recently… she saved my sanity as I knew I wasn’t nuts, as judged by others who can never understand how isolating it is - and tbh I now love isolating after being that over sociable person in the room 🕺
I was very open plus projected my goodness onto everyone, then I closed up too much. Now I am learning discernment and not fearing anyone.
True. Narcissists should target narcissists. Can you imagine that?!?! 😅😅
Morning everyone have a blessed day
You as well 😊 healing blessings to everyone
❤🎉
You too!
After 9 years, my covert narcissistic “best friend” discarded me for not being open and honest enough.
Because the narc could no longer "feed" on you....
My personality is high in openness. I love traveling, exploring, learning about cultures, languages, art, interested in human rights for everyone etc. Yes, I have to be aware and keep an eye on predators. Oftentimes “open” people are also kind, and the narcissists takes this as a weakness or lack of intelligence when it’s actually the opposite.
Yeah I hate that everyone assumes I'm so stupid.
I agree!
This is me for sure. This and being too loyal. On top of that I had someone telling me to forgive and excuse bad behaviors. All of this kept me in relationships way longer than I should have been. Giving too many chances. Accepting less than I should have. So many factors came into this, many of which I had control over. Even not being judgemental, which can be a good thing but in this backfires. 🤦🏼♀️
I’m the exact same way! I’ve made this precise observation about myself, too. I expect far too much from myself as well. I somehow think it’s my responsibility to fill in the gaps in these less-than-reciprocal relationships. I’m learning though!
So this comment section is where we find each other and realize that we are not THAT abnormal that we deserve to be judged negatively
Same!!!
Thanks to the Almighty for all those experiences. I feel like I'm getting somewhere now. Thanks doc, I'll order a pot of tea when I see you or any of the open people out there!! ☝🏽💖🌌💫
@@bbdn5123 That's funny, I was going to say, tea for me instead of coffee too. I've had people get mad at me for ordering herbal tea when we've gone to a coffee shop together. They say, "Who orders tea at a coffee shop?" Well, I do, dangit. Believe me, you don't want to be around me if I've had any caffeine at all - even just a sip. I feel more relieved about how I am after watching this video as well.
Wow! This one hit me right between the eyes. It filled in every tiny blank and crack of confusion about why I seem to be such a magnet for the narcissistic predator. Proceed with caution fellow open minded souls, but don't EVER let anybody kill your curiosity and geniune interest in the world and what makes it tick.
You can't let it go. So how could anyone else 🤣
@@chayo4537 Spoken like a true gaslighter....😄
I'm pretty open, but thanks to this channel now when meeting new people, if their values aren't in line with mine, I just stop engaging and move on. I pay close attention to what they talk about because it's what they think about. I avoid them if all they ever talk about are material things, sex, being superior to others or how inferior others are to them, and other shaming and insecure behaviors. I am reassessing my old friends as well.
This is me, openness, silly sense of humor. I sure do attract them. I’ve had to struggle to learn boundaries but I just can’t change who I am. People can be open with me which can be rewarding. Thank you for your videos. I have some of your books.📚💚📚💚
This is so on point, my openess is super high. I'm creative and everything that comes with the openess by nature, and that's what got me, listening and empathizing and tolerating my dad's grandiose bs stories. And kept me doubting what I knew for way too long. And he was a self righteous grandiose type.
Yeas sis 💗 I'm figuring so much out. Take care ☝🏽💖🌌💫
You could be describing me and my life!
Openness is good, as long as it doesn't prevent autonomy. ☮️🙏
Lightbulb moment for me. I can see now how my moderate openness to new experience allowed me to tolerate my self righteous and grandiose ex’s weird behaviors far longer than I should have. Thank you for this topic on personality styles of people who attract narcissistic individuals. Self reflection is crucial to healing.
Openness can also be your superpower in narcissistic relationships. I was really open from the time I was a kid. My friend base included anyone I thought was interesting, so I never fell prey to conforming clicks or groupthink that led to bullying of others. While this has sadly led me to narcissistic partners, it has also prevented me from staying super long. I may have lost a year or two to figuring someone out, but never decades, this is because being open helped me to not be afraid of change.
I enjoyed this video! High in openness and agreeableness. It was fun in my 20s…I traveled the world, lived abroad, and owned only what I could fit in two suitcases. But no matter where I was or how much fun I was having, I would always gravitate to these terrible relationships (that started off so quickly and romantically) with controlling men who seriously devalued me (like my mother). Now I’m in my 40s, and I’m trying to get a handle on what personality traits I display to the world so that I don’t look like a walking 🥩 out here with these vultures. It’s not even just narcissists who will exploit people… many types of people will exploit you for many different reasons. I read a really good book called “women who marry psychopaths,” and it shared some of these very positive traits which get exploited and turned against us.
@Miriam Collins I absolutely agree with you How very well articulated
I feel like openness for sure relates to agreeableness, not wanting to be ‘judgmental’, and being told to be ‘nice’, and not being taught that you’re allowed to have your likes and dislikes, and boundaries. I’ve learned these lessons the hard way. Staying strong in who I am, what’s good and healthy for me, while being open to new experiences that are safe and what I want, knowing I’m allowed to say no. ❤
It is all about balance.
Yes ma'am, this video is spot on! I'm high on openness, and it has definitely been a huge factor in me getting involved with narcissists off the tracks. I once saw a plaque that said " Don't be so open minded that your brain falls out." I knew that was for me. So, openness and agreeableness is still for me. But it's best tempered with taking pause and observing people and screening them for truly toxic behaviors.
" Don't be so open minded that your brain falls out." Luv it!
The teacher next to my classroom had that poster on her wall and every time I saw it I thought that it meant not to believe ridiculous things. I should have taken it the way you did but I had no idea I was so much more open than others back when I was teaching. Isn't society always pushing everyone to be more open and agreeable? Especially for females? I like your strategy to temper our openness with being more discerning. I added your idea to my notes on the Temperance Tarot Card: "Be discerning of Other People and Screen Them for Toxic Behaviors/Moderation/Patience/Calm/Time/Balance/Rational/Practical/Forward Measured Steps/Don't Get Too Excited/Keep Our Expectations Reasonable" Now I realize that Temperance card can be meant for people like me with this openness issue.
I found out I rush to be nice to the people and since I realized I will start to be careful
It's very therapeutic to listen to Dr. Ramani daily and read so many great comments. I'm still creative & open. But now, I have this awareness of what got me in trouble in the past. When I recognize red flags, I look squarely at the person I'm chatting with and say:. Do I have the face of a fool? It really throws people off and they trip over what they were saying and clarify to cover themselves.
Wow. I am in awe. I could never do that. People would say that I do. 😂
@@websurfer5772 there are 2 videos on KZhead on Assertiveness Training. One is better than the other. I listened over a year ago and got a lot out of one of it. I practiced when I was standing in line at the convenience store/gas station. Each time someone just walked in front of me, I'd speak up. Asserting:. Excuse me, did you not notice I'm standing here. Saying it loud enough to make them feel like an a$$. I was at Walmart at the self checkout line. A guy had his cart on an angle so no one could get by. The Walmart lady said to me you can just go around. I said no, he can be courteous and move his cart. Then louder till he moved his cart. I just keep practicing every chance I get. So now if I'm just hanging out at a coffee shop and end up chatting or in other situations when someone is try to take advantage, I give them that look and say something. It gets easier and more natural each time. I'm 5'3". I know I have a look on my face that says:. I'm a nice person, walk all over me. Try it!
@@websurfer5772 Then you tell them they need to go find another one. That you aren't buying what they are sellin.....😗
@@reesedaniel5835 I love it! Yes! It's hard for me to come up with a comeback on the spot so I appreciate this.
Being vulnerable is not weak. It's actually very powerful and opens your mind and eyes and allows you to feel comfortable but with narcs keep things to yourself.
Agreed however narcs are great actors. It's usually only AFTER you have been vulnerable and open that they remove their mask.
This was so me. I was pretty much up for anything in my younger days - within reason, and I had a pretty wide latitude, except that I did have a conscience and morals. As time went on I realized l was attracting some of the wrong people (ie narcissists) as they mistook my openness for amorality. I had to learn to really be a lot more cautious about showing my open side and only to trusted people. Narcissists can definitely read “openness” or natural curiosity as being places you absolutely DO NOT want to go.
I am definitely an open and adventurous person. That is what attracted me to my narsasistic husband in the first place, because we did interesting things in the beginning. But after a while I realized that although he was was also an outdoor person, his outdoorness stuck to one area and got boring after a while. And no matter how hard I tried to get him out of his box, he was unmovable out of that one area. Doing the same thing over and over again. Year after year. Ind I fell into depression for being stuck with him in his small world. 😢😢
I heard someone say that we should be open minded, but not to extent that our brain falls out. I'm trying to live by that 😊❤️
I’ve never heard openness talked about in this way before. I find this to be accurate. Thank you.
Every time I watch one of these videos, I'm reminded of how much I fit the profile of the person a narcissist would target. To this day I find it so strange to believe that this person I knew for 12 years wasn't real. And that way she can change into a different person with different interests and mannerisms depending on who is around is so unsettling. After she was found out she stopped hiding her duplicitous personality from me, but she does hide it from the new people in her life. I see her doing the same things to this new guy she is with and I am still bewildered. It's like she can't help herself and she's just going to do this same thing forever.
Be thankful it's not you anymore. You dodged a bullet.
Being open and setting firm boundaries can go together perfectly. If someone is trying to put me down, I'm happy to get rid of them. Openly.
For me, being open and agreeable is a balancing act. As I've matured, I've looked back and see where I was open and agreeable, but I was also naive. I thought love was being open. I realized I skewed the concept of love because I didn't know better. What I was doing was not being loving to myself and I was letting others' ideas top mine. Now that I'm older, I can see how many people are at different stages of getting to truly know themselves. People are looking for happiness and sometimes in all the wrong places. Living in Hollywood and going to a fashion design school taught me that the human imagination has no limits to openness, and sometimes, that's not the best. I've seen so much. And many open people also destroy themselves when they don't balance out that openness. When I pulled myself away from there to get a different POV, my eyes were open to how subjective openness is. The lovely thing about life is we get to choose how open and agreeable we want to be for our own lives. I've learned that it is called boundaries.
I so resonate with this.❤
Can you give us any examples of how people wrecked themselves so we can all learn from them? I've discovered that one of my main life missions is to create strong boundaries with others and on myself.
Beautiful comment 🌸
this!! love this!! so true.
@websurfer In the city of Hollywood, I became friends with people who were so open to anything that they would participate in the wildest things. From drugs to obscenities and wild lifestyle choices, I saw so much. This was the 90s, and we didn't have the internet. I was introduced to some extreme things in real life and not on a screen. Some of those people became hardcore heroin or cocaine addicts. Some mutilated their bodies with excessive body modifications and even changed genders. I can't even tell you what I saw. It was so extreme. And there I was in the middle of it thinking I was being non-judgmental. What I didn't realize until many years later was that many of those people were suffering from untreated mental disorders, and most of that behavior that I accepted as cool really was not. I mistook their mental illnesses for being cool, creative, and free spirited. And I dont know how to say it, superficially, they seemed happy, but in truth, internally, there was lots of chaos, and living amongst that there was a lot of drama and self centered narcissism. And there I was, all because I was open and non-judgmental. Instead, I could have said, "I don't have to be here. This is not healthy, and I'm not a mental health provider. I can't fix their sadness. This doesn't have to be accepted." I gaslighted myself back then. Some of those people died young. They were depressed or got caught up in crime. A few became homeless and left to Venice and Santa Monica. I remember thinking at 21 years of age, if these lifestyle choices ever become mainstream, our society is doomed. And yet, here we are. So many of us are accepting mental illness as normal. We are being open to differences that are so extreme, but mostly because we are getting the internet version of these things. The candy coated version. Now, I watch from a city far from Hollywood. I see the spreading of the mental illnesses that I saw up close and personally. And what I see on the internet is a romanticized, happy version of many mental illnesses. They're not showing what I saw. They're not showing what I lived on a daily basis.
They underestimate people as well.
This is SUCH a valuable topic. It answers my burning question about why people want to talk to me - and tell me their life story. Or recite a poem. This is usually a great trait. But when someone starts a BS routine, I'm like WHAT?! I mean, they started with someone who is open, but not gonna be nice. And I also learned in this video not to hate my openness, because the sense of wonder and resilience are a great part of this personality type..
When I was involved with my family of origin, I displayed a high level of openness. My mother and my sister were more rigid, into authoritariasm, judgemental. Guess who became the family scapegoat???
I’m the family scapegoat but I’m the rigid/judgmental person . My mother and sister are high in openness (and yes become easy victims of a narcissist). I’m still the scapegoat because I’m rigid and judge people the moment I meet them which my family thinks is crazy .
Same
vanilla? 😉 -- No. I know it was you, chocolate. Dang. I was a ready-made scapegoat too.
This video explains a lot for me. It explains how come I keep attracting narcissists and it explains why I frustrate the heck out of narcissists. Thank you.
I was an open book with him, as well as open-minded - to a fault. We met as basically kids (age 20). It was only 11 months later we were married. I transposed My idea of love, connection and friendship onto him. He took full advantage of me and used my uniqueness as his own AND he used it against me.
Yep. Sounds familiar.
Same here
Thank god someone said 20 is young my narcisitic mother's been trying to make me feel shit about it I m 21/22
Same
@@aena5995 Don't listen to her, you're a young adult until you hit 40 these days. That bar keeps moving. I'm almost 60 and when I look back I was still just a babe in the woods when I was 25. I had soooo much to learn! lol Enjoy your young adulthood as much as you can. That's when you can have the most fun with everyone your age who are also in their prime. For cryin' out loud, you're just now old enough to order alcohol when you're out.
I am an extremely open person. My narcissistic sister is very set in her ways. Because I am open, I don't put up with people's closed beliefs, like racist, sexist, misogynistic, etc beliefs. My sister knew this and used this to pick fights and then blame me for the fight, saying that I am unwilling to accept other people's opinions. No, I won't accept her racist, sexist, etc opinions. She can hold that opinion, but I won't agree with it. Because she kept playing this game and other stupid narcissist games, I eventually went no contact. Best thing I ever did.
This pretty much sums it up for me: almost everyone I've been surrounded with my whole life has either been a narcissist, or a toxic enabler, and they've either been covert or grandiose/communal. Makes perfect sense now, as I'm a very open person (despite being Autistic, and having semi-rigid preferences; it's kind of a "you do you" thing, for me) who values the truth above pretty much everything else.
Does valuing the truth make us more vulnerable too? I hope not. 🤞
@@websurfer5772 that depends on how desperately you value the social setting, I think. If you're trying to get deep, meaningful connections with most people--and in groups, especially--yer likely barkin' up the wrong tree. It simply depends what you're after regarding the social experience.
@@KingRandor82 Yeah, I agree with you. After writing that question I've been giving it more thought. Of course Ns hate the truth as they are the People of the Lie. It's also the truthtellers of the family who are often scapegoated. I'm still trying to wrap my head around all this as I learn a bit more every day.
@@websurfer5772 I wouldn't say they hate the *truth* so much as whether or not it's within the context of their standing within the matrix "social system". They're taught everything comes down to social currency, and if you *dare* rock the boat--unless you're told it's acceptable to do so--you risk losing everything. People who can stand on their own two feet won't fear this, but many do not have the willpower to do so.
@@KingRandor82 That's informative for me. Thank you.
I'm a very open minded person and I've learned to have better boundaries. I overlooked a bunch of red flags with people . Caused a lot of hurt
GIVE THIS WOMAN A RAISE!!! All of this is relatable…had to find my boundaries and learn not to be Too open to others although I’d like to be, past experiences taught me that that can be a bad thing in the presence of the wrong people. It’s deep
Thank you Dr!!! I needed to hear that this morning. I consistently asking myself why I attract these types…I am open!!! Agreeable and down for different perspectives and experiences. Comfortable with myself and my humor and quirkiness…it’s just something about attracting these types that makes me feel weak, targeted, hunted…its hard to shake sometimes. Thank you again for all your education and decision to this subject. 🙏🏾❤️
I keep trying to remind myself although these types may be attracted to me, I don't have to be attracted to them. I think it is a little dangerous for our own mental health to see ourselves as somehow attracting this dysfunction.
@@michelecraig9658 Ticks are attracted to dogs. Predators are attracted to prey. Doesn't mean there is anything wrong with the mental health of the dog or the prey.....
Now if I feel a pull to being more open then I feel comfortable with it’s a red flag for me, and alarm bells go off. I feel like it’s sometimes the narcissistic wanting to suck me in for supply. Like an ‘energy vampire’. So learning to be more discerning with people in that sense, while being open to new positive safe experiences that feel good to me. Thank you ❤
Narcissists believe that nice people are dumb people. They believe that their victim is the reason why they take advantage of them. They believe that they haven't done any wrong before. Such people are like monsters in human skin.
Totally me. I’m extremely high in openness, creativity, imagination and curiosity. I’ve had to use all those traits to develop better boundaries to protect all those characteristics so they can flourish. Despite the fact that I’m a large, middle aged, rough looking, get dirty for a living tradesman these are my dominant traits and it’s helped me to understand why I’m a constant outsider in both the trades and the art world. I guess people see me and make their assumptions as we all do then the things that come out of my mouth conflict with their assumptions and then everyone at the party or networking event have their backs to me by the end of it. This is a real bummer but the more I understand the better I can bare the results of just being me. The thing with the boundaries and holding back is that I do find it exhausting to not say the first things that are coming to my mind till the person proves themselves not a threat let alone an asset. I grew up in a narcissistic family system. Despite always being ridiculed for being me by my family and friends, I really like to share ideas and concepts, it’s just holding it all back is very difficult. I was exhausted trying to be a bit more of what everyone wanted me to be but they were never putting in any effort in our interactions unless it was to devalue me or crack jokes on me so after realizing this I separated myself from all of them some 15 years ago. I have learned recently that being to open with people is codependent behavior, so there is more work to be done as always. I’ve tested multiple times and am an INFP and that helps explain things as to why I do a lot of what I do unconsciously. I’m just trying to tune it to have successful social endeavors at least once in a while. I am grateful for my wife and son, they are the only people that SEE me for who I am and want nothing more or less of me.
You spoke my reality thank you… it’s a lonely path being misunderstood and yes definitely when you were brought up with a narcissist parent
Dang - I didn't think guys like you had any problems like this. Well, we're all here learning together. I sure am grateful to the internet for helping me learn so much about myself and how to understand others.
@@jacquib256 I’m learning a lot but I think being raised in by narcs in a narcissistic family system is whole different ball game than regular narcissistic abuse. The abuse, the grooming, the intermittent reward, the false empathy, the neglect, the brainwashing, the learned suffering, the pre verbal trauma is completely different, we were completely defenseless, not an naïve adult that made a mistake. The stuff we carry in our deep subconscious is far more challenging. Be patient with yourself and persistent.
@@websurfer5772 I guess that’s what happens when we assume(as the saying goes”when you assume you make an ASS out of U and ME”) we all do it, I’m the worst at making assumptions, I’m always catastrophically wrong all the time but I still do it. We are all learning, I get as much info out of the comments as I get out of the video.
@@sawdustadikt979 Thank you. It sure has been one major rocky road.
Openness - that's me. And that's why I must have been such a superlative narcissist magnet. I have to say these experiences absolutely show me that this trait needs to be balanced all the while avoiding going to paranoid extremes. Thank you so much for this video.
This is me , I am open and I now stuck in narcissistic relationship
My experience is that high openness also makes you more able to recover. More open to changing your perspective on what the last X years actually meant, and moving on with someone new without looking back.
👸🏽Hi Dr. Ramani. Your "vibe" gave me chills and hope to see you one day too. It would be great! 😍💕🥰
Man, this really hit home. I'm about 70% agreeable, which is definitely high enough to be problematic for attracting them (I think I used to be even higher, but have really worked on boundaries and taking care of my own interests, in my early 20s I was a bleeding heart); but my Openness is high 90s...and I cannot seem to adjust the scale of this trait whatsoever. It feels much more *fixed* in my psyche than agreeableness, conscientiousness (mine is in the 30%, I'm trying to improve and be tidier) and even introversion (I can force myself to be outgoing for a little while). I don't know if others relate, but my Openness is SO prevalent that I don't even realize it most of the time. I was really disdained by churchy Christians for being odd/eccentric. They made me seem like I didn't care, and I attended 2 separate churches where I was slandered heavily by low-Openness narcissistic people (one was probably a sociopath) . I love this videos even more than all your others, which is saying a lot. You're so specifically accurate and everything is totally spot on! The incorporation of Big 5 traits into how they pertain to Cluster B people is just brilliant, and I personally believe this is going to help a lot of victims. I hope more psychologists adopt the same process of viewing these dynamics!
I feel like my openness partly comes from being so gaslit and scapegoated, with being dismissed and invalidated so making me second guess my perspective and also being encouraged by enablers to ‘see the other persons point of view’ even though I was being abused by the narcissists. It’s a mind mess. It made me question my opinions to try to be ‘open’ to different things and others views. Which is ok sometimes but not ok always. I also had a narc use his ‘openness’ sexually to try to shame and force me to do things I didn’t want to do. So I feel like he used his openness as a weapon against my boundaries. Growing up my family was super judgmental and conservative, so I also felt that was wrong and wanted to be more open to different things. Learning to validate my opinions and boundaries, choosing what I want to be open to as long as it’s safe and healthy for me, and to have a healthier balance with it all to protect myself. Thank you❤
This is absolutely tremendous, Thank you so much for sharing this, I understand, Peace, love to you 😀😀😀🥰🥰🥰🥰💞💞💞💞💞
If you hand a mugger your gun you are probably getting robbed. This is what being open and honest and communicative with a narcissist is, except in the emotional and social realm. They will mirror you and you will feed them everything they need to destroy you.
OMG you're right.
Ooh. Wow. You've explained so much! I couldn't help but come to the conclusion that I am damaged because of the way narcissists gravitate to me. This makes sense. 💜
My focus is on living a quiet, moral life.
I was like this before my first N relationship years ago, so open so curious always saying yes to people and sucking it all in. I was like a sponge and up for anything, naive as well I would say. A walking target for these predators, looking back. Then after this first experience I closed down a lot. I worked on myself and finally thought I had found the right balance between my own openness and having healthy boundaries, checking out people a bit better before I jump right in. But after covid, I was so happy to be back 'out there' after the lockdowns, bursting with my good old enthousiasm. So when I met my next N date, my guard was way down once again, it was like I had forgotten all I had learnt. I was fascinated by him and happy to feel so alive again with him. I guess this was his way in, to my detriment.
I'm so sorry to hear that happened to you. What a drag. A couple of books that really helped me, (I'm female), were Women Who Run With the Wolves which taught me how to listen better to my intuition, and Mars and Venus on a Date. That 2nd book is not old-fashioned in a bad way, though some will say it is. John Gray is giving it to us straight because men really haven't changed, so it's a good idea to follow his advice to save your heart from getting broken. I didn't want to, but I decided to follow his advice just to see what would happen and I ended up happily married. Now, dealing with N inlaws is another story. Watch out for them. You might like Fascinating Womanhood here on YT too. They agree with the info I got from the books above as well.
*@llse V.* I'd go on as many good courses as it's harder 2 combat narcs behaviours on your own. I would attend visceral trauma courses & trauma causes.
After a lifetime of narcissistic abuse, I knew better than to allow psychopathic tyrants to make me "lock down".....I walk at liberty because I seek GOD's precepts.....Psalm 119:45 "The welfare of humanity is always the alibi of tyrants." Albert Camus Quarantines are for SICK people. "Lock downs" are TYRANNY. Stop complying to their BS. Also I never wore a muzzle (mask). Humans are the only animals stupid enough to block their own ability to BREATHE because some lying govt tyrant told them to do it. The government does not care about anyone's health, never has, never will. It's about CONTROL. DO NOT COMPLY.
I have a very open personality (hopefully relatively healthy 😅) and I do attract grandiose narcissists at first but I really irritate the covert types, they dislike me right away!
Why dislike u
this has been so helpful.. because I always wondered why those people always target me. Started to think there was something wrong with me.
I also thought maybe there was something wrong with me. I was unwilling to give up my openness. But I stuck around too long thinking there had to be something fundamentally wrong with me at my core that I just hadn't yet been able to understand.
Can you speak to how Narcissists and ‘ Open people’ using dating apps to meet and how best to read the profiles?
Running into Dr. Ramani in a coffee shop would be so fun!!!
I learned to take the target off my back, forehead, etc. Took a long time to realize my weaknesses needed healed. Once that is done, you can avoid most narcs, only took 50 years to do ....
Openness and agreeableness! That's me! 😁😁 Hearing my personality described as "magical" is gonna keep me going for months, hahaha. Still looking for another like me! It's taking more years than I thought 😂 Maybe these traits are actually what got me through the narcissistic relationship implosion and fallout... I picked myself up and radically transformed my life and I'm having a lot of fun now, my life is so much better than it ever was. There's hope, people, keep going!
🎯🎯🎯 Dr Ramani. You described me. I’m awake now. No grudges. No regrets. Forward
OMG!! I m one of these "openess" persons.....linked with being empathic, I guess I m a good target that's why I got "hooked"...
Thank you dr Ramani. It sounds like you've described half my life. But it's still good to have it validated.
I don't know if I can agree with the notion that those who are more open are more successful. In my experience, those who are promoted to leadership positions are narcissistic because they have no problem treating others like mere resources to be shuffled around and replaced.
That is me DR. RAMANI! Thanks for explaining what I have been but not with the narcissist ever again. I am and have been Too Open! But I can spot them miles away! My problem is I tell them off for their need to control me! Thanks for all of your knowledge and help through the hell I have been through!
@susanne hunter, I used to tell them off, too, but they just look shocked and tell me it's all in my imagination, or, "that never happened." Now, I wish I'd just changed myself and my behavior without explanation. That's what I'm doing now, and they're noticing. They don't like it, and they act confused, but who cares!? It's very freeing, but now they are the ones who have lost me.
@@notagain779 Yeah I tried practicing being a gray rock with my husband without telling him and he didn't like it at all. But I had to practice for being around my N inlaws and who else can I practice on?
@@websurfer5772 , That's a good way to look at it!
I'm most definitely an open person. I'm full of curiosity and always wanting to experience new things. I love to learn about other cultures and people. If I ever found Dr. Ramani in a coffee shop, boy would I love to talk to her.
I always have a high level of openness for a Dr. Ramani video!🥰
At last I hear something for and not against my personality 🙏
Refreshing isn't it 😊
@@donnaroosa4469 No. I found out that what I thought was a good trait has been used against me my whole life. But boy, am I glad I found out! Better late (in my case) than never.
I think it's a good trait to be open & honest with respect... the problem is is the world can't handle the truth
@@donnaroosa4469 Yeah, I can see that they can't handle the truth ever since 2020, which was another revelation for me, but how is that linked to me being open?
Wow this one was amazing! I have always hit the roof on openness on psych-tests. I think my curiousity brought me into the my career as a designer, embracing new technology. But, it also brought me a few relationships with narcissistic men, I suspect. But as Dr. Ramani states, I would not take too much crap. I could not tolerate invalidation for too long, but broke it off. Maybe, just a thought, the trait of openness makes you susceptible to narcissists, but also, will not take the bad shit that comes along for too long? That's my journey I believe. Very open and curious, but when I get treated badly, I will not take it for very long.
Add empathy with openness and agreeableness and you've got one big sucker that falls right into a users trap. Here i am! 🙋♀️
I think he was shocked that my tolerance ended at physical abuse and that openness gave me resilience to leave and move on!
This is it’s important to be cautiously optimistic.
Ok, now I’m thinking about my big five scores and my recent trauma with two cluster Bs… Extremely high openness, like, the maximum possible. When I met her, I found her strangeness fascinating. I even justified a lot of the red flags by thinking “well, she’s a hippy girl, it’s a different subculture…maybe it’s a bad match, but if it could work out it would be good for me…” The only thing I couldn’t justify was drugs, once that came increasingly into it, although I kind of did when I thought it was “in the past.” Then her cruelty I refused to tolerate, but only when I saw it was a pattern and not an anomaly. I’m high in agreeableness too, and kept hearing all these things about how “nice” I was. “Much nicer” than her ex boyfriend. Of course, they tested my boundaries and kept pushing back further and further and I let them. Looking at the internals of the test I took (after the trauma) I was high on compassion, etc. -BUT! I scored almost a zero on trust! Maybe as a result of life experience. Anyway, my guardedness did keep me grounded and from being played for too long, even though I did trust too much at the beginning when I was desperate to believe in someone. I guess I’m also a rare combination in that I’m extremely high in neuroticism along with openness. It’s been exceptionally difficult getting over this trauma. Eight months or so, after a six week incident. Incidentally, I’m also very low on extraversion, which I think she (and the other narc) eventually found boring, and helped her lose interest in me. But it was my low-moderate conscienciousness (I’m spelling that wrong) that made her turn on me most spectacularly, because it made her stop idealizing me when she realized how much of a schmuck I am! The criticism! I wasn’t willing to put up with that for too long, but it still had a terrible effect on my self esteem. Long rambling post, I know
Thank God you didn't marry her though. You really dodged a bullet.
Having been an open person my whole life, I'm here to tell you I learned it's not safe to be open. And do yourself a favor and eliminate the 2nd chance theory. No it's a lie. When a person shows you who they are believe them. They DO NOT CHANGE because you give them a 2nd chance. Literally, 2nd chances sets you up for "Ground Hog's day. "
This was me! Who cares where we go on vacation? As long as we are going! I never cared where we went for dinner, I was excited we were going out! Then there were the looks when I would say things like "I don't want to talk about other people, I want to talk about ideas and places!" No wonder they loved to hate me, I must have annoyed the heck out of them.
It's their loss. You really were too good for them.
@@websurfer5772 It doesn't feel that way, it feels like I was an idiot to not see I was a tool not a person to them. Ya know?
@@GenXHeart Yes, I totally get how you feel. I hope you can heal from it completely in the future.
This is definitely me! Awww thank you for making me feel really good about myself, Dr Ramani ❤❤❤
I am very open, and usually agreeable, and also neurotic. 😅 I am working on emotional regulation and I do recognize some of the more compulsive thinking patterns, but I have spent many years being bullied by my mind. I have found with time that my openness can lean unhealthy. I have been in situations where I did try my best to entertain ideas that were not okay, and even if the thing didn't actually unfold, I felt sick that I spent time around the people who were promoting or pushing for that sort of thing. They took advantage that I tried to regard everyone's point of view with equal weight. I am learning about my tolerance levels and as much as I like straightforward and direct communication, it reassures me that if I pay attention to my body, I will get a heads up to remove myself.
OH MY GOD I AM AVERAGE IN OPENESS AND HIGH IN AGREEABLENESS OH MY GOD THIS IS WHY
I was ‘open’ to give my an old guy friend a second chance as I always thought there was something more between us. I felt some potential yellow/red flags in the beginning, but tried to stay ‘open’. Only to be hurt in the end as he was not totally up front about having a girlfriend, and I wonder if he may be a narcissist. It’s hurtful and disappointing, but proud of myself that I kept my boundaries with him and got to know him slowly, as eventually the truth came out. I am learning to have a better balance with it all. Thank you ❤
I never had a professional evaluate my personality traits, but I took a couple of online tests. One of them indicated that I was in the top 0.1% in terms of openness. Agreeableness was almost as high. Turns out I'm an absolute treat for narcissists!
I have this quality and it has provided me with a lot of experiences. Fortunately, my Self that knows is always there too, so I usually know when to back off.
Sis you are looking much healthy and happy hope all is well with you. Thank you for opening my eyes to a malignant narc wife of 29 yrs. It all makes sense that one day soon i sail away to fulfil my dream of hiking in sicily and tending olive groves
Thank you for talking about the victim's personalities this helps us to understand ourselves and understand how we can become prey.
You just described me! Edit: In some ways, I've been too "open." ... Or "tolerant of BS."
Thanks Dr and community. I recently left a narc situation and was determined to find out what I was doing to keep ending up in relationships like this. My research found 'narcissism' - I had no idea! But I am educated now. Topics like this vlog are helping me put all the pieces together. This vlog is describing my personality. But I am finding that it is possible to be too open and tolerant- so I continue to educate and work on myself to find a healthy balance. Here's to freedom, to people who appreciate you, kindness and respect. Thanks to all.
You basically described my last relationship perfectly. Even knowing everything I know... I still struggle with blaming myself for the fall out. It's an odd battle. She made me out perfect, and the love bombing was there. I saw some redflags l, but ignored them because she convinced me it was in my head. Then then she stopped answering phone calls, and called back whenever she felt like it. The text stop coming in like they used too. She would show love here and there just to keep me around. I stayed around in hopes we could recapture what he had in the beginning. It never came and somehow she blamed me. I eventually got sick and ended up in the hospitals for 3 weeks. That's when she broke it off and wouldn't answer my calls or text. I do have all the text saved "thank goodness". It has helped me see narcissistic behavior. I was way too open and I was willing to look pass certain things. I learned a hard lesson.
I was expecting 'openness' to mean non-secretive when I first tuned in, so this was very interesting. I am open in terms of being receptive to new ideas as well as being non-secretive. These two qualities probably attracted a lot of narcissists into my life: the non-secretiveness meant they could take note of my vulnerabilities and the openness to new ideas means I am willing to try new things. Yikes! More good qualities can be used against me.
Dr. Ramini, you make Me feel so good about myself while recovering from Narcissistic abuse x3! I’m highly open, agreeable, curious, and easily fascinated. The Ex HATED it! But of course it drew him in, too. I was convinced I was too sensitive, and “free-spirited”. But now I’m falling back in love with those traits! If I see you anywhere near a coffee shop I would for sure absolutely ❤❤❤ to have a delightful chat! Thanks for all you do
Yeah, I’m definitely the, “isn’t the universe a beautiful mystery, let’s go make beautiful things…” type of open personality. My sister is married to what I call a murderous, malignant narcissist and he hates my openness. He feels it may rub off in his wife. But the guy I got involved with was a communal narcissist and it was like we fed off of each other and I thought I found genuine connection in another human being. And really I miss that connection, but realize the connection was fabricated. How do you miss something that wasn’t real? It’s painful, really. I didn’t expect for him to turn out to be a narcissist because the one example I had of a narcissist was so negative. How could a person that seemed so loving also be a narcissist? I feel foolish for not getting it earlier.
You're not foolish, coming to terms with this is hard.
That's me, Ms Openess... I was open with the technician about my dentistry and he used it against me,
This is so me 😅 he talked about his past dealings with drugs but he’s a “reformed” person. So I thought let see where this is going but his behaviour and mannerisms raised a lot of questions. So I asked he became defensive. I got discarded. I got hurt but it’s a lesson learned. Your videos help me to understand what was going on and I learn about myself from each of your video. They help me to not get into that situation the second time. It builds my resilience enormously.
This makes so much sense now, Dr. Ramani. I'm very open and agreeable, I could see myself described in this video. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, I would love to meet you if I could. I'm in Kingston, Ontario, Canada. Sending you a big thank you and a hug for all your help. Have a great weekend, everyone!💕💕💕
You are describing me. If one is very open we have to maintain a very tight gate and always observe the person. It is like surfing. We keep our distance, but we never let the wave overtake us.
Thanks for this perspective. I think this allows me to figure out how I got into (and out of) this kind of relationship. First, I was open and tolerant of the crazy ideas and behaviors. After a few years though, it came to the point where I felt forced to adopt the crazy ideas and behaviors as OK or my own, if I didn't want a huge fight and the subsequent gaslighting, shaming, and silent treatment for days. Like you said, no one wants invalidation. Being an extremely curious person, however, I definitely got something out of observing the behaviors, like a scientist in a lab coat, and trying to figure out the patterns. It was at least an interesting intellectual exercise for a while.
I am crying listening to these videos and it’s all very confusing. I stumbled on an npd expert watching a civil trial and all of a sudden I realized that it explains my situation with my sister. My sister has an obsession with normal adult life tasks/responsibilities being unfair among a long list of other things that have always caused me to think that they just don’t make any sense for the different diagnoses she has explored (Punching walls if someone tells her something she doesn’t like, thinking she’s entitled to keep her job even if she takes an extra vacation day she doesn’t have, or isn’t willing to help a co-worker if she finishes early and then mention it over and over again in inappropriate settings, dumping dark thoughts on us all the time but believing it’s unfair she has to go to therapy because she should just have to get her meds right). In fact, I watched the covert narcissist video and what she says, how she says it, and how she responds to even constructive criticism is all there, and even the way that I’ve been reacting to it clicks. I do not live with her, but I have been supporting her emotionally as often as I can for many years (discording all the time, texting, visiting) Recently I’ve realized that I’ve lost myself tiptoeing around her and trying to tell myself her behavior toward us and worldview is just because of all of her diagnoses and trauma and she can’t help it so I just try to stay neutral whenever something happens or is said that feels crappy. A while back one person said something along the lines of “if that isn’t working stop repeating and try another direction” and she told us all that we have to be nice to her and just keep our thoughts to ourselves because she is too depressed to handle them, but it wasn’t mean in any way! I have always considered myself to have a “long fuse” and am always hyper aware of what I say and how it affects others (being in HR has made me almost a poster child for “pc” quick lol) so to any of my other friends something that would be said as a part of a constructive conversation is escalated to me “insulting” her or saying something unfair because “no one will ever understand what she’s been through” when people are just trying to offer advice to someone who is always repeating the same complaints over and over and not making any adjustments for improvement. She always points out she’s an empath but when I told her (after years) of my frustration with not being able to sit by and listen when she says things that are harmful to others and enabling some of her behaviors (the word “unfair” is used a ton, and I understand she had a terrible childhood but some of the things she views as unfair are just facts of life we have to deal with: credit card debt, working 8 hours, etc. - of course i did not point these out, just said I can’t continue to stay quiet when I know some of the things she says are hurting others especially on big group discord sessions). But I did specifically point out that her stating she is only living for her dad to me over and over again hurts because as much as I try to support her I know that I don’t matter in her life. Her response was that she’s sorry I feel that way and it’s just how she feels, but the context of the conversation to her was that even if she feels something she needs to know how it affects the people around her when she says stuff like that but she didn’t seem to get the point. She has entered a program and I thought pointing out some of these behaviors could help if she can get down to why she thinks she, for example, reacts with rage over minor issues but I learned too late that you’re not supposed to do that. She wouldn’t have a conversation with me, but instead I got a wall of text telling me she was yelling at her boyfriend and punched a wall because of me and I am wrong and “literally no one agrees with me” and that I unfortunately can’t be in her life anymore. She told me I drew a comparison to her being like a step-parent that’s viewed as a narcissist (the grandiose “I’m better than you” type) and I responded that wasn’t my intention blah blah (trying to back pedal to diffuse the situation, never mentioned that person’s name once or even thought of him at all when I approached her), so she called me scream crying that I angered her and as soon as I was able to speak she screamed more and ran away from the phone. She then re-solidified that I can’t be in her life and I tried to explain more (now I know it’s a no no) and ultimately told her I was OK with being viewed as the bad guy and stepping back if it meant anything could be useful in her mental health journey. The next day I learned from my brother (who I warned to stay out of it and not to feel any need to defend me because it wouldn’t end well) that she spoke with my mom who gave her the idea that this wasn’t like me and I was probably working through my own issues and projecting (I hate to say it but I kind of am, but my issues are with being a party to her behavior and wanting a more open relationship). She told my brother she thinks that I hold grudges and that I’m being the narcissist in the situation because I won’t drop it. Then later in the day sent me another wall of text starting with she punched a wall again and doesn’t want to lose our relationship over this. She doesn’t know if I’m going through something and lashing out but if this is the new me she doesn’t think she wants to be around it, but she will always be there for me when I’m ready. I didn’t want to respond, but I know if I didn’t it would be worse for me as it comes to what she’s saying to family/friends so I explained our relationship has been hurtful and feels one-sided and I want us to be able to discuss hard things without there being a blow up and if she isn’t ready for that kind of relationship then I am OK stepping back. I cried a lot, I re-worded it a lot, caught myself trying to apologize a lot and honestly it’s hard because I know she’s depressed and has gone down dark paths and I don’t want to be the reason to send her over the edge. Maybe I’m very wrong and it’s just ptsd causing it (from step-parent mentioned earlier) or something else, which is causing my fear, but I swear out of all the avenues I’ve gone down to try to figure out why she does these things this is absolutely the only one that explains everything. It’s like 6 diagnoses that she has that could almost all be explained by 1 and she is absolutely obsessed with wanting a diagnosis. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to support now that I know, and I think I’m going to be losing a lot of friends because I’m not willing to take everything back, and if I do just continue to feed her what she wants to hear then I’m not being true to myself. I’m the oldest of 7, and very type A so I guess you can call me someone who wants to “fix” but now I don’t know how to fix myself. I’ve been distant from my fiancé in our own home because I feel like I need to get on discord with her when she asks (if I go too long not responding or a couple of days not being on she thinks I’m mad at her - in fact, when I was on vacation (which I told her) she called me a ton of times and sent a ton of messages and also had my brother call one night because she thought I was angry and then finally recalled that I was on vacation - I was being proposed to and didn’t have my phonr on me when we went to celebrate, but now that day is shrouded with me feeling terrible that I made her feel like I was upset with her). And I feel terrible saying it because I hate the idea of blaming an issue on someone, it feels cruel to me to even say in my head. This has been overwhelming and hard to parse and I simply am having a hard time figuring out the correct path forward. Thanks for reading my personal “wall of text” vent if you did, this was actually really cathartic for me to get out and I hope we all find a path forward ❤
🙏
@@maggamoosie801 this is everything! I feel awful that I “blew everything up.” My brother even mentioned, probably over a year ago, that he purposefully keeps his distance mentally/emotionally from her and takes the role as just a sibling to have fun with because it was too draining and he was happy I was willing to take that role. But now that I think about it, when my youngest sister ran away from home last year (she had been stuck with this step parent for the longest) and we all banded together to finally get both my mother and my sister, who is a minor, out of the situation my brother took temporary custody of my youngest sister and the sister who we are talking about allowed my mother to stay on her couch for a few weeks things. It completely blew up between her and my brother! My brother, who was 21, was trying to take care of a very defiant teenager and took on a role of having to discipline and set actual boundaries she never had and didn’t care for (understandably, it was a shake up), and all this sister could do was complain to me about how my brother was constantly talking to her about being overwhelmed and how she felt like he was overlooking just how hard it was with her having our mom on her couch. I was on some of those conversations, he always listened to her! Always telling her her feelings were valid, always saying he’s sorry for the situation she was in, etc. but even if he listened and then also wanted to talk about and get advice on what he was dealing with she would get pissed off. In fact, at one point she told me that she used to think she was also “staying alive for my brother” (rather than just her dad) and was always so focused on him getting out of the situation (he left that household on his own at 17) because of this she didn’t feel that way anymore because “she’s done so much to support and be there for him and it’s unfair that he isn’t there for her.” He is and was! He just wasn’t hyper focused on her feelings like usual because he had a lot going on himself but she was still pissed he was confiding in her because “she has her own problems.” They literally didn’t talk for months after that and ever since then he set this boundary, which has been really good for him. The only terrible thing is that when this whole scenario came up over the weekend, when my sister didn’t get the response she wanted out of my brother about me (he stayed neutral, as he should) she went to my mother who, is the “everything is roses and butterflies” type - absolutely clueless about the trauma she caused in her children’s lives - and being her, just trying to say anything to put my sister into a happier mood, told her that I definitely must have terrible things going on in my life and I’m projecting on my sister about them. That what I was talking about couldn’t possibly have any truth to it, that it was “out of thin air.” When I take a step back, even though my sister thought she “saved” my brother, he has truly been the strongest and most resilient of us all. I am also getting the vibe that I need to “stay in the ring.” I keep being told by her boyfriend every time there’s even a minor disagreement “well when it comes to her you have to understand that xyz triggers her or xyz makes her think differently about that.” I know that and I’ve been accommodating and very sensitive of it for years, before he was in her life, but I’ve been questioning WHY. I should be able to respectfully say anything to any of my friends or siblings and have a real conversation, and if that “triggered them” disproportionately they should dig deeper into why with their therapist and figure out the root cause but instead anytime something happens she makes a spectacle of it and pulls everyone into it other than her therapist. I told her, that if literally anything comes of this I hope that she tells her entire group straight up that I called her a straight up “narcissist” (which I didn’t, but she’s hyper aware so anytime she thinks someone feels that way she usually goes to someone else to tell them how she always buys gifts for people and is an empath 🤦♀️) and hopefully literally anyone will help her through why she is feeling those feelings. I just want, more than anything, for her to find some relief from her darker feelings so I can be released from this grip she has on me. I can’t say if she texts me again (because everything is text, she can’t actually talk to me) that I won’t just forgive her for the sake of being afraid I might be the trigger for her doing something stupid. I’ve already found myself considering it, but I’m thinking now that I made my point clear to her that she will think I am no longer useful in her life and will just leave me be.
Thank you so much for this video. This is the missing puzzle piece for me. For so long, I've wondered why me? I tend to keep my head down, do my job, go about my life, mess with no one. Why am I the target of narcissists -- both of their love-bombing and also of their derision? I see it more clearly now, and it feels like vindication. Please keep making these videos.❤
Neurotic, agreeable, open… those are my top 3. Hearing you explain openness this this way, makes me understand more of the dynamic i had with the ex ( consent clown). It was a 7 year mishmash of psychedelics, sex and trips to the desert… added to that is the a joie de vivre about me…can’t help it…. I feel like it’s helped me through the worst of times.